M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e14 Episode Script
T414 - An Eye for a Tooth
[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
Heartfelt thanks to everyone who made a rousing success oflast night's party celebrating the first anniversary of the Officers Club.
Volunteers are now needed to help rebuild it.
There's only one thing worse than death life.
What were you boys chastising yourselves with last night? - Potato daiquiris.
- I think we left the eyes in.
[Margaret.]
Good morning, everyone.
! - Ah! Cheerful person at 4:00.
Take cover.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
Margaret, stop smiling.
The corners of your mouth are meeting in back of your neck.
Gentlemen, today is a day that will live triumphantly in the hearts of freed women everywhere! - Bravo! Bravo! - [Pounding Table.]
- Will you quit? - Now, what are you chattering about? My attorney has forced Donald Penobscott a.
k.
A my two-timing, cheapskate ex to release my half of our joint savings account.
- I'm glad for you.
- Very good.
Thank you, thank you.
I deserve every word.
That's wonderful news, Margaret.
Now can you loan me some money for my funeral? - Oh, cheer up.
[Blathering.]
- Don't.
Get away from me.
Father, you asked me to tell you when the promotion list came in.
Oh, yes.
I was hoping that this time I might get my They passed you over again, Padre.
Oh.
Oh, they did.
Well, I wasn't really expecting anything.
Still, it would have been nice.
I'm sorry, Father.
Maybe next time.
You know what the trouble is, Father? This is a war, and you're in the peace business.
If I didn't feel so darn good for me, I'd feel really lousy for you.
- Sugar, sourpuss? - Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
You know You know what, Father? Other cheek and all that aside I think you ought to find out why they passed you over again.
Yeah! And get tough with them.
There must be a Biblical precedent.
Yes.
Well, when Samson got angry he slew the Philistines with the jawbone of an ass.
But that's really not my style.
- Oh! - Feel better? Maybe a little more sugar.
Oh, you wanna play, huh? - Oh, yeah? - [Screams.]
Margaret, give me a break.
You're supposed to be mad.
- I am mad.
I am.
- [Helicopter Whirring.]
[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Choppers, jeeps and ambulances.
A regular convention.
Well, let's get into our funny white suits.
[Margaret.]
What's he doing? He's not gonna make it to the pad! - I hope he makes it to the ground.
- I'm afraid he is.
Hey, watch it! - Some landing.
- Get those ambulances.
Margaret and I will take care of this.
All right.
Some of you come with me.
- You okay in there? - Do I look like I'm in trouble? - Nice of you to drop in.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
- [Pilot Speaking Korean.]
The guy woke up and tried to take a walk in midair.
If I hadn't brought him down quick, his first step would have been his last.
Head wound.
Get him into pre-op, stat.
Best flying I've ever seen.
- It'll do.
- I'll get the guy on the other side.
I'll have you outta there in a second, fella.
What is this? That's my dummy, Little Mac.
Named him after MacArthur.
- It's a shame they can't trade jobs.
- He's a counterweight.
Whenever I pick up just one casualty he rides the other pod and keeps this thing balanced.
Otherwise, he stays inside with me.
- He's my good-luck charm.
- Little Mac! Of course.
You're Captain Toby Hill.
I read about you in Stars and Stripes.
Over 300 casualties flown in out of combat.
- Three-fifteen as of last Monday.
- But who's counting? - Let's go.
We got casualties.
Come on.
- It's a real honor to meet you.
Major Margaret Houlihan.
It isn't very often we get to say hello to a bona fide hero.
Let's go.
You can kiss his ring later.
[Charles.]
All right, Margaret.
Let's see what we can do about patching up this leg.
Right, Doctor.
- [Chuckles.]
- You think this is funny? No, no, no, no, no, no.
I was just recalling you this morning.
- You with that blob of oatmeal.
- [Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
How humiliating.
- I wasn't humiliated.
- Oh, Margaret.
Whether you realize it or not when you are sitting there with a blob of oatmeal on your face and people are laughing at you, you are humiliated.
- Father, hold this a second.
- Got it.
There.
You're pretty good with your hands.
When you've fingered as many beads as I have, they become quite nimble.
You know, I'd like the promotion board to see you in here working your butt off.
Thank you, Colonel.
I just try to beJohnny-on-the-spot and help out and do my part.
Father, if they gave out promotions for modesty, you'd be a four-star chaplain.
Margaret as a very wise man once said "Love may be what makes the world go round but revenge is the axle upon which it revolves.
" - What wise man said that? - Me.
And close.
Will you bandage for me? Oh, Hawkeye, what do you think Margaret should wear for lunch? The peas? - No, something more in the line of an off-the-shoulder stew.
- [Chuckles.]
- They're baiting you.
- Have any suggestions? Let me give it a little thought.
- Hey, mail! - Oh, let me at it.
Scented mail.
I wonder who scented it.
Mine's from the Department of the Army.
Junk mail.
- Doris Weems? - Which Doris Weems is that? - There have been so many.
- [Envelope Screeches.]
[Screams.]
- Look at this.
- What did you ever do to Doris? - You better open yours from the end.
- Yeah.
Sounds safe.
Can't hear the ocean.
[Cackling Laughter.]
You realize this is no longer good clean fun.
- This is full-scale practical joking to the finish.
- Well, Doris asked for it.
Hey, buddy.
Save a little hot water for me, huh? Oh, yes.
Almost finished.
Listen.
Have you been around here for a while? Um, seems like years.
- As a matter of fact, it has been.
- [Chuckling.]
- Then you know everybody here.
- Intimately.
[Chuckles.]
Even better.
You see, I got a heavy date with a nurse tonight.
The question is which one? - I beg your pardon? - I'm taking a couple day's rest here and I don't wanna waste it you know what I mean.
Perhaps I should introduce myself.
I'm Father Mulcahy, the chaplain.
Ah.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Father.
I didn't realize.
It's quite all right.
It's difficult to tell in here.
- Captain Hill.
- Oh.
- Toby Hill, the pilot? - Yeah.
- Oh, you're quite a hero.
- Yeah, so they tell me.
- Does that bother you? - I don't know.
Lately I've been getting the feeling that I'm not doing my job so much for the men as I am for all the glory that goes along with it the promotions, the medals, the fame.
My son, you deserve the glory the promotions, the medals.
- How many promotions? - I'm ashamed to tell you.
- How many promotions? - I'm ashamed to tell you.
- I'd really like to know.
- Two in the last six months.
From second looey to captain in six months? - Yes, Father.
Isn't it awful? - Yes! I mean, uh, no.
I mean, uh, I have some business to attend to.
Colonel, while it's true that the meek shall inherit the earth it is equally true that the Lord helps those who help themselves.
Yes, sirree.
So? So, I feel I deserve a promotion.
And Lord forgive me I want it! And I want you to help me get it.
Easy, Father.
You're dripping on my signatures.
I know how you feel.
If I was in your place, I'd be red around the collar too.
And if I was in your place, I'd be on that horn raising a royal rhubarb all over "l" Corps.
- I think I'll put a call through.
- You do that! [Sighs.]
Listen to me, will you.
I'm unrecognizable.
Colonel, I understand Major Houlihan's a divorcée.
- Brand-spanking new.
- The best kind.
She's also a bit gun-shy, if you catch my drift.
- Not sure I do.
- She's been hurt a lot.
Let her heal, huh? Got ya.
- Did I get all the powder off? - You missed a little.
- No, that's just mold.
- That we won't blame her for.
- Fresh canned peaches, sir? - Hold the rust.
Nothing like a good vendetta to build up your appetite.
Well, Margaret I think your postal prank had the desired effect.
Tom Swift and his electric cohort appear to be miffed at you.
- Charles, I forgot about that already.
- Margaret, Margaret.
When will you ever learn? The nectar of revenge is to be savored slowly.
That's why it's sweet.
Excuse me a moment.
I'm gonna get a refill.
Would you like one? - Nothing for me.
Thanks.
- No? No.
Gentlemen, I have been listening to Major Houlihan's incessant gloating over her recent mail delivery.
Now, I hold no brief with either of you but as a member of the same sex, I am appalled nay I'm outraged at your meek acceptance of this gratuitous insult.
Well, Charles, since you put it that way what do you mean? I mean, Captains Milquetoast and Wet Noodle that I have taken the liberty of retaliating for you both.
You mad impulsive fool.
What have you done? Observe yon Lebanese flunky.
I touch my nose and directly on cue he picks up a delicious lemon-meringue pie the like of which has rarely been seen in this hellhole and he presents it to - Major Houlihan.
- Major Houlihan, I have a pie for you.
- She questions him as to its origin.
- What's this? He informs her that it was baked in honor - of our distinguished guest Captain Toby Hill.
- Captain Hill over there.
Captain Hill gallantly requested that it be delivered to her with the message "Sweet for the sweet.
" She beams at Captain Hill.
And then she waves at him.
Apuzzled Captain Hill waves back.
Now if my calculations are correct the denouement is at hand.
Gentlemen, enjoy.
[Whistling.]
- Captain Hill, I could just kiss you for this.
- Pardon me? You're not only courageous, but you're gallant and and boy, do you have shoulders.
- She sure heals fast.
- If you don't mind, I'd be honored to share this with you.
Sweets are not only for the sweet, they are also for the brave.
I'm getting diabetes.
Since this is your pie, I think you should cut the first piece.
What do you mean, "my pie?" - What do you mean, "what do you mean?" - [Hawkeye, BJ.
Laughing.]
They're laughing.
But I thought - No, they - Easy, Margaret.
It was just a little prank.
You fiends! - Have you about finished lunch? - Let's skip dessert.
Come back here.
! This just isn't my day.
[Both Singing.]
- It's neck.
Wash my neck.
- Huh? Yeah.
Okay, do it again.
[Resumes Singing.]
Charles! - Shh! - Is everything ready? - Exactly as planned.
Good luck, Margaret.
- Aren't you gonna watch? - I'd love to, but I'm due in post-op.
- Oh, Charles? - Hmm? - Thanks.
You've been a big help.
- Well, let's keep that our little secret, shall we? - Oh, sure.
[BJ.
.]
You always come in early.
Row, row, row your boat - Row, row, row - You came in early.
! You started late! [Hawkeye.]
You weren't supposed to come in at all.
I just came by to pick up a few things.
- Oh, Margaret! Come on! - Margaret, wait a minute! Hey! - I'll be seeing you.
- [Hawkeye.]
Margaret, please, no.
Wait.
- Margaret, no, that's mine! - Come on! Margaret.
! You're gonna look awfully silly running home to get my clothes.
The coast is clear.
- My kingdom for a washcloth.
- At least you're wearing a mustache.
- Well, shall we? - Let's try to do this with dignity.
Right.
Heads held high and hands held low.
Right.
Geronimo! [Banging Jeep.]
[Groaning.]
- [Margaret Sighs.]
- [Both Screaming.]
[All Women Shouting, Laughing.]
[Both Screaming.]
- [Women Cheering.]
- All right, all right.
The show's over.
[Chattering.]
- All you peeping tomboys, out! - Out, out.
All right, ladies.
I think we've seen enough.
I'll say.
- Padre, I was looking for you.
- I've already heard, Colonel.
News travels fast around here.
I spoke to everyone I knew.
No dice.
Every string I pulled broke.
I don't blame you for being disappointed.
Oh, no.
If I have any disappointment, it's with myself.
I'm afraid ambition kind of made me forget why I'm here.
You have a right to that promotion.
After all, Colonel, it's the job that's important After all, Colonel, it's the job that's important not the rank.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish apologizing to another commander.
Good night, Colonel.
[Chuckles Softly.]
[Sighs.]
[Door Creaking.]
[Screaming.]
Oh, somebody get him Somebody get him off me.
! [Screaming.]
- Oh, my God! - You screamed, madam? Oh, you You did it! You goons! [Muttering.]
- Corpsman, litter.
- A pint of whole sawdust, stat.
- Get him out of here! - Margaret, you seem to have things under control here.
- I'll guess we'll mosey along.
- Get out of here! - Margaret, it's not fair.
We're unarmed.
- Get out! [Hawkeye Screaming.]
Get out of here! Get out of here! [Screams.]
[Groans.]
Margaret, I heard you screaming.
Are you all right? Those animals! - Margaret, there, there, there, there.
- [Panting.]
Not to worry.
We'll get even with them.
No, we won't! I'm sick and tired of this whole thing! Of course you are for the moment.
But we'll think of something really big like like blowing up their still.
- No! - Wouldn't it be fun, hmm? You're very good at this stuff, aren't you? Look, you're in no condition to talk about it now.
A night in slumberland is what you need.
We'll discuss this in the morning, hmm? - L - Sweet dreams.
[Panting, Sighs.]
- Captain Hill? - Come in.
I've done all I can do.
A call just came in for you to pick up a badly wounded man on Hill 503.
Just one? I can't go without a counterweight.
Where am I supposed to find one piece the size and weight of a man and right now? Well - Well, how 'bout me? - I appreciate the gesture, Father but Hill 503 is where the real war is going on.
Landing in that traffic is pretty unnerving.
Captain, we're wasting time.
Every second is another drop of blood.
- Now I'm going.
How about you? - Well, I guess I am.
First mission I've flown without you, Little Mac.
Wish me luck.
Don't worry, Captain.
What could be luckier than carrying a priest? [Whistling.]
- [Chuckles.]
Good morning, gentlemen.
- Uh-huh.
I wish you could have taken the walk I've just taken and seen the sights I've just seen.
A bird here.
A flower there.
Pieces of dummy everywhere.
[Laughing.]
[BJ.
.]
You're a real nature lover, you are.
Has Margaret's hair come down yet? You should have seen her last night when I popped in on her.
Her eyes were spinning around like phonograph records.
I haven't had so much fun since since Since your chauffeur ran over the squirrel? [BJ.
.]
Come in, unless you're a woodpecker.
[BJ.
.]
Come in, unless you're a woodpecker.
Hey, Margaret.
Who was that dummy I saw you with last night? I was willing to go along with a joke is a joke but last night you went beyond funny.
You escalated to cruel and inhuman.
- And so this morning I upped the ante.
- Oh, really? - Do we have to guess or is it gonna be a surprise? - It'll be a surprise.
Especially when Peg gets my letter.
- Letter? What do you mean? - I sent a letter to your wife, funny man telling her all about our yearlong love affair and how you didn't have the nerve to tell her it was all over between you and her.
I think that beats the dummy in the closet, don't you? - You didn't really do that? - I told her you brought us together.
- Margaret, you didn't.
- I did so! And I got the last laugh.
- This is incredible.
- Do you realize what you've done? Do you realize what Peg is gonna do when she reads that letter? - My God! My wife.
- You should have thought of that last night.
- I don't believe it.
- Damn it, Margaret.
You You have not only lost every friend you ever had in this camp but we're gonna make your life so miserable, you're gonna wish you were Little Mac.
People? People, what's going on here? - I don't believe it.
- These were harmless practical jokes.
I mean, this was all in fun.
- [Screaming.]
I don't believe it! - [Margaret Screaming.]
Stop! Stop, Hunnicutt! It was me! Hunnicutt, it was me! Let her alone.
Are you all right, Margaret? It was all me.
The lemon-meringue pie, the shower, the the dummy.
It was all me.
Margaret, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? I had no idea anyone would take this seriously.
Does that do it? Are we even? - Yeah, I think so.
- I feel pretty even.
- Did I hurt you, Margaret? - Not at all.
I loved it.
How 'bout you, Charles? You satisfied? - Yeah, he's satisfied.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You were wonderful.
What a performance! - What an idea.
- You're welcome.
- Row, row, row your boat - Row, row, row your boat - [Hawkeye.]
Row, row, row your boat [B.
J.
, Margaret.]
He came in on time! [All Laughing.]
Very funny.
Very funny indeed.
[Shouting.]
I wasn't fooled for a moment, you know.
How could anyone be fooled by such atrocious acting? I had to fight to keep myself from laughing! But I'm laughing now.
[Laughing.]
Hear that? That's laughing.
Row your boat up that stream! [Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention.
Attention.
Incoming chopper.
Medical teams to pad.
Head wound, bad.
Get him into O.
R.
Where's my AWOL priest? [Hill.]
Over here.
Except for a little motion sickness, he's fine.
It takes a brave man to be that scared and still do the job.
- It's okay, Father.
You can let go now.
- Not till we land! I'm not an angel! You're on the ground! Oh.
Colonel Potter.
Oh, good.
Funny, I can't seem to let go.
Give me a hand, Captain.
There you go.
Easy does her.
- [Mulcahy.]
Thank you.
- There you go, Captain.
- Whoa! - As soon as you're feeling better I'm gonna give you the chewing out you deserve.
But in the meantime, I'm putting you in for a commendation.
And the next time those promotions come up - your name better be on the top of that list or I'll - Colonel! Do you think you could stop swaying? Okay, Padre.
I'll drive.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
Heartfelt thanks to everyone who made a rousing success oflast night's party celebrating the first anniversary of the Officers Club.
Volunteers are now needed to help rebuild it.
There's only one thing worse than death life.
What were you boys chastising yourselves with last night? - Potato daiquiris.
- I think we left the eyes in.
[Margaret.]
Good morning, everyone.
! - Ah! Cheerful person at 4:00.
Take cover.
- Good morning.
Good morning.
Margaret, stop smiling.
The corners of your mouth are meeting in back of your neck.
Gentlemen, today is a day that will live triumphantly in the hearts of freed women everywhere! - Bravo! Bravo! - [Pounding Table.]
- Will you quit? - Now, what are you chattering about? My attorney has forced Donald Penobscott a.
k.
A my two-timing, cheapskate ex to release my half of our joint savings account.
- I'm glad for you.
- Very good.
Thank you, thank you.
I deserve every word.
That's wonderful news, Margaret.
Now can you loan me some money for my funeral? - Oh, cheer up.
[Blathering.]
- Don't.
Get away from me.
Father, you asked me to tell you when the promotion list came in.
Oh, yes.
I was hoping that this time I might get my They passed you over again, Padre.
Oh.
Oh, they did.
Well, I wasn't really expecting anything.
Still, it would have been nice.
I'm sorry, Father.
Maybe next time.
You know what the trouble is, Father? This is a war, and you're in the peace business.
If I didn't feel so darn good for me, I'd feel really lousy for you.
- Sugar, sourpuss? - Yeah, all right.
Yeah.
You know You know what, Father? Other cheek and all that aside I think you ought to find out why they passed you over again.
Yeah! And get tough with them.
There must be a Biblical precedent.
Yes.
Well, when Samson got angry he slew the Philistines with the jawbone of an ass.
But that's really not my style.
- Oh! - Feel better? Maybe a little more sugar.
Oh, you wanna play, huh? - Oh, yeah? - [Screams.]
Margaret, give me a break.
You're supposed to be mad.
- I am mad.
I am.
- [Helicopter Whirring.]
[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
Choppers, jeeps and ambulances.
A regular convention.
Well, let's get into our funny white suits.
[Margaret.]
What's he doing? He's not gonna make it to the pad! - I hope he makes it to the ground.
- I'm afraid he is.
Hey, watch it! - Some landing.
- Get those ambulances.
Margaret and I will take care of this.
All right.
Some of you come with me.
- You okay in there? - Do I look like I'm in trouble? - Nice of you to drop in.
Take it easy.
Take it easy.
- [Pilot Speaking Korean.]
The guy woke up and tried to take a walk in midair.
If I hadn't brought him down quick, his first step would have been his last.
Head wound.
Get him into pre-op, stat.
Best flying I've ever seen.
- It'll do.
- I'll get the guy on the other side.
I'll have you outta there in a second, fella.
What is this? That's my dummy, Little Mac.
Named him after MacArthur.
- It's a shame they can't trade jobs.
- He's a counterweight.
Whenever I pick up just one casualty he rides the other pod and keeps this thing balanced.
Otherwise, he stays inside with me.
- He's my good-luck charm.
- Little Mac! Of course.
You're Captain Toby Hill.
I read about you in Stars and Stripes.
Over 300 casualties flown in out of combat.
- Three-fifteen as of last Monday.
- But who's counting? - Let's go.
We got casualties.
Come on.
- It's a real honor to meet you.
Major Margaret Houlihan.
It isn't very often we get to say hello to a bona fide hero.
Let's go.
You can kiss his ring later.
[Charles.]
All right, Margaret.
Let's see what we can do about patching up this leg.
Right, Doctor.
- [Chuckles.]
- You think this is funny? No, no, no, no, no, no.
I was just recalling you this morning.
- You with that blob of oatmeal.
- [Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
How humiliating.
- I wasn't humiliated.
- Oh, Margaret.
Whether you realize it or not when you are sitting there with a blob of oatmeal on your face and people are laughing at you, you are humiliated.
- Father, hold this a second.
- Got it.
There.
You're pretty good with your hands.
When you've fingered as many beads as I have, they become quite nimble.
You know, I'd like the promotion board to see you in here working your butt off.
Thank you, Colonel.
I just try to beJohnny-on-the-spot and help out and do my part.
Father, if they gave out promotions for modesty, you'd be a four-star chaplain.
Margaret as a very wise man once said "Love may be what makes the world go round but revenge is the axle upon which it revolves.
" - What wise man said that? - Me.
And close.
Will you bandage for me? Oh, Hawkeye, what do you think Margaret should wear for lunch? The peas? - No, something more in the line of an off-the-shoulder stew.
- [Chuckles.]
- They're baiting you.
- Have any suggestions? Let me give it a little thought.
- Hey, mail! - Oh, let me at it.
Scented mail.
I wonder who scented it.
Mine's from the Department of the Army.
Junk mail.
- Doris Weems? - Which Doris Weems is that? - There have been so many.
- [Envelope Screeches.]
[Screams.]
- Look at this.
- What did you ever do to Doris? - You better open yours from the end.
- Yeah.
Sounds safe.
Can't hear the ocean.
[Cackling Laughter.]
You realize this is no longer good clean fun.
- This is full-scale practical joking to the finish.
- Well, Doris asked for it.
Hey, buddy.
Save a little hot water for me, huh? Oh, yes.
Almost finished.
Listen.
Have you been around here for a while? Um, seems like years.
- As a matter of fact, it has been.
- [Chuckling.]
- Then you know everybody here.
- Intimately.
[Chuckles.]
Even better.
You see, I got a heavy date with a nurse tonight.
The question is which one? - I beg your pardon? - I'm taking a couple day's rest here and I don't wanna waste it you know what I mean.
Perhaps I should introduce myself.
I'm Father Mulcahy, the chaplain.
Ah.
Oh.
I'm sorry, Father.
I didn't realize.
It's quite all right.
It's difficult to tell in here.
- Captain Hill.
- Oh.
- Toby Hill, the pilot? - Yeah.
- Oh, you're quite a hero.
- Yeah, so they tell me.
- Does that bother you? - I don't know.
Lately I've been getting the feeling that I'm not doing my job so much for the men as I am for all the glory that goes along with it the promotions, the medals, the fame.
My son, you deserve the glory the promotions, the medals.
- How many promotions? - I'm ashamed to tell you.
- How many promotions? - I'm ashamed to tell you.
- I'd really like to know.
- Two in the last six months.
From second looey to captain in six months? - Yes, Father.
Isn't it awful? - Yes! I mean, uh, no.
I mean, uh, I have some business to attend to.
Colonel, while it's true that the meek shall inherit the earth it is equally true that the Lord helps those who help themselves.
Yes, sirree.
So? So, I feel I deserve a promotion.
And Lord forgive me I want it! And I want you to help me get it.
Easy, Father.
You're dripping on my signatures.
I know how you feel.
If I was in your place, I'd be red around the collar too.
And if I was in your place, I'd be on that horn raising a royal rhubarb all over "l" Corps.
- I think I'll put a call through.
- You do that! [Sighs.]
Listen to me, will you.
I'm unrecognizable.
Colonel, I understand Major Houlihan's a divorcée.
- Brand-spanking new.
- The best kind.
She's also a bit gun-shy, if you catch my drift.
- Not sure I do.
- She's been hurt a lot.
Let her heal, huh? Got ya.
- Did I get all the powder off? - You missed a little.
- No, that's just mold.
- That we won't blame her for.
- Fresh canned peaches, sir? - Hold the rust.
Nothing like a good vendetta to build up your appetite.
Well, Margaret I think your postal prank had the desired effect.
Tom Swift and his electric cohort appear to be miffed at you.
- Charles, I forgot about that already.
- Margaret, Margaret.
When will you ever learn? The nectar of revenge is to be savored slowly.
That's why it's sweet.
Excuse me a moment.
I'm gonna get a refill.
Would you like one? - Nothing for me.
Thanks.
- No? No.
Gentlemen, I have been listening to Major Houlihan's incessant gloating over her recent mail delivery.
Now, I hold no brief with either of you but as a member of the same sex, I am appalled nay I'm outraged at your meek acceptance of this gratuitous insult.
Well, Charles, since you put it that way what do you mean? I mean, Captains Milquetoast and Wet Noodle that I have taken the liberty of retaliating for you both.
You mad impulsive fool.
What have you done? Observe yon Lebanese flunky.
I touch my nose and directly on cue he picks up a delicious lemon-meringue pie the like of which has rarely been seen in this hellhole and he presents it to - Major Houlihan.
- Major Houlihan, I have a pie for you.
- She questions him as to its origin.
- What's this? He informs her that it was baked in honor - of our distinguished guest Captain Toby Hill.
- Captain Hill over there.
Captain Hill gallantly requested that it be delivered to her with the message "Sweet for the sweet.
" She beams at Captain Hill.
And then she waves at him.
Apuzzled Captain Hill waves back.
Now if my calculations are correct the denouement is at hand.
Gentlemen, enjoy.
[Whistling.]
- Captain Hill, I could just kiss you for this.
- Pardon me? You're not only courageous, but you're gallant and and boy, do you have shoulders.
- She sure heals fast.
- If you don't mind, I'd be honored to share this with you.
Sweets are not only for the sweet, they are also for the brave.
I'm getting diabetes.
Since this is your pie, I think you should cut the first piece.
What do you mean, "my pie?" - What do you mean, "what do you mean?" - [Hawkeye, BJ.
Laughing.]
They're laughing.
But I thought - No, they - Easy, Margaret.
It was just a little prank.
You fiends! - Have you about finished lunch? - Let's skip dessert.
Come back here.
! This just isn't my day.
[Both Singing.]
- It's neck.
Wash my neck.
- Huh? Yeah.
Okay, do it again.
[Resumes Singing.]
Charles! - Shh! - Is everything ready? - Exactly as planned.
Good luck, Margaret.
- Aren't you gonna watch? - I'd love to, but I'm due in post-op.
- Oh, Charles? - Hmm? - Thanks.
You've been a big help.
- Well, let's keep that our little secret, shall we? - Oh, sure.
[BJ.
.]
You always come in early.
Row, row, row your boat - Row, row, row - You came in early.
! You started late! [Hawkeye.]
You weren't supposed to come in at all.
I just came by to pick up a few things.
- Oh, Margaret! Come on! - Margaret, wait a minute! Hey! - I'll be seeing you.
- [Hawkeye.]
Margaret, please, no.
Wait.
- Margaret, no, that's mine! - Come on! Margaret.
! You're gonna look awfully silly running home to get my clothes.
The coast is clear.
- My kingdom for a washcloth.
- At least you're wearing a mustache.
- Well, shall we? - Let's try to do this with dignity.
Right.
Heads held high and hands held low.
Right.
Geronimo! [Banging Jeep.]
[Groaning.]
- [Margaret Sighs.]
- [Both Screaming.]
[All Women Shouting, Laughing.]
[Both Screaming.]
- [Women Cheering.]
- All right, all right.
The show's over.
[Chattering.]
- All you peeping tomboys, out! - Out, out.
All right, ladies.
I think we've seen enough.
I'll say.
- Padre, I was looking for you.
- I've already heard, Colonel.
News travels fast around here.
I spoke to everyone I knew.
No dice.
Every string I pulled broke.
I don't blame you for being disappointed.
Oh, no.
If I have any disappointment, it's with myself.
I'm afraid ambition kind of made me forget why I'm here.
You have a right to that promotion.
After all, Colonel, it's the job that's important After all, Colonel, it's the job that's important not the rank.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish apologizing to another commander.
Good night, Colonel.
[Chuckles Softly.]
[Sighs.]
[Door Creaking.]
[Screaming.]
Oh, somebody get him Somebody get him off me.
! [Screaming.]
- Oh, my God! - You screamed, madam? Oh, you You did it! You goons! [Muttering.]
- Corpsman, litter.
- A pint of whole sawdust, stat.
- Get him out of here! - Margaret, you seem to have things under control here.
- I'll guess we'll mosey along.
- Get out of here! - Margaret, it's not fair.
We're unarmed.
- Get out! [Hawkeye Screaming.]
Get out of here! Get out of here! [Screams.]
[Groans.]
Margaret, I heard you screaming.
Are you all right? Those animals! - Margaret, there, there, there, there.
- [Panting.]
Not to worry.
We'll get even with them.
No, we won't! I'm sick and tired of this whole thing! Of course you are for the moment.
But we'll think of something really big like like blowing up their still.
- No! - Wouldn't it be fun, hmm? You're very good at this stuff, aren't you? Look, you're in no condition to talk about it now.
A night in slumberland is what you need.
We'll discuss this in the morning, hmm? - L - Sweet dreams.
[Panting, Sighs.]
- Captain Hill? - Come in.
I've done all I can do.
A call just came in for you to pick up a badly wounded man on Hill 503.
Just one? I can't go without a counterweight.
Where am I supposed to find one piece the size and weight of a man and right now? Well - Well, how 'bout me? - I appreciate the gesture, Father but Hill 503 is where the real war is going on.
Landing in that traffic is pretty unnerving.
Captain, we're wasting time.
Every second is another drop of blood.
- Now I'm going.
How about you? - Well, I guess I am.
First mission I've flown without you, Little Mac.
Wish me luck.
Don't worry, Captain.
What could be luckier than carrying a priest? [Whistling.]
- [Chuckles.]
Good morning, gentlemen.
- Uh-huh.
I wish you could have taken the walk I've just taken and seen the sights I've just seen.
A bird here.
A flower there.
Pieces of dummy everywhere.
[Laughing.]
[BJ.
.]
You're a real nature lover, you are.
Has Margaret's hair come down yet? You should have seen her last night when I popped in on her.
Her eyes were spinning around like phonograph records.
I haven't had so much fun since since Since your chauffeur ran over the squirrel? [BJ.
.]
Come in, unless you're a woodpecker.
[BJ.
.]
Come in, unless you're a woodpecker.
Hey, Margaret.
Who was that dummy I saw you with last night? I was willing to go along with a joke is a joke but last night you went beyond funny.
You escalated to cruel and inhuman.
- And so this morning I upped the ante.
- Oh, really? - Do we have to guess or is it gonna be a surprise? - It'll be a surprise.
Especially when Peg gets my letter.
- Letter? What do you mean? - I sent a letter to your wife, funny man telling her all about our yearlong love affair and how you didn't have the nerve to tell her it was all over between you and her.
I think that beats the dummy in the closet, don't you? - You didn't really do that? - I told her you brought us together.
- Margaret, you didn't.
- I did so! And I got the last laugh.
- This is incredible.
- Do you realize what you've done? Do you realize what Peg is gonna do when she reads that letter? - My God! My wife.
- You should have thought of that last night.
- I don't believe it.
- Damn it, Margaret.
You You have not only lost every friend you ever had in this camp but we're gonna make your life so miserable, you're gonna wish you were Little Mac.
People? People, what's going on here? - I don't believe it.
- These were harmless practical jokes.
I mean, this was all in fun.
- [Screaming.]
I don't believe it! - [Margaret Screaming.]
Stop! Stop, Hunnicutt! It was me! Hunnicutt, it was me! Let her alone.
Are you all right, Margaret? It was all me.
The lemon-meringue pie, the shower, the the dummy.
It was all me.
Margaret, I'm sorry.
Are you all right? I had no idea anyone would take this seriously.
Does that do it? Are we even? - Yeah, I think so.
- I feel pretty even.
- Did I hurt you, Margaret? - Not at all.
I loved it.
How 'bout you, Charles? You satisfied? - Yeah, he's satisfied.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You were wonderful.
What a performance! - What an idea.
- You're welcome.
- Row, row, row your boat - Row, row, row your boat - [Hawkeye.]
Row, row, row your boat [B.
J.
, Margaret.]
He came in on time! [All Laughing.]
Very funny.
Very funny indeed.
[Shouting.]
I wasn't fooled for a moment, you know.
How could anyone be fooled by such atrocious acting? I had to fight to keep myself from laughing! But I'm laughing now.
[Laughing.]
Hear that? That's laughing.
Row your boat up that stream! [Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention.
Attention.
Incoming chopper.
Medical teams to pad.
Head wound, bad.
Get him into O.
R.
Where's my AWOL priest? [Hill.]
Over here.
Except for a little motion sickness, he's fine.
It takes a brave man to be that scared and still do the job.
- It's okay, Father.
You can let go now.
- Not till we land! I'm not an angel! You're on the ground! Oh.
Colonel Potter.
Oh, good.
Funny, I can't seem to let go.
Give me a hand, Captain.
There you go.
Easy does her.
- [Mulcahy.]
Thank you.
- There you go, Captain.
- Whoa! - As soon as you're feeling better I'm gonna give you the chewing out you deserve.
But in the meantime, I'm putting you in for a commendation.
And the next time those promotions come up - your name better be on the top of that list or I'll - Colonel! Do you think you could stop swaying? Okay, Padre.
I'll drive.