Misfits Episode Scripts

Episode 2

What is that? We should be dead.
- Something is happening.
- Have you been sniffing glue? The storm, that lightning, I dunno, it's done something to us.
He's going to kill us.
All this.
It's already happened once.
Time went backwards.
What? You turned back time? I want to rip your clothes off and piss on your tits.
What's happening to me? - You killed our probation worker.
- If there's no body, there's no crime.
I'm sure this breaches the terms of my ASBO.
What if we're meant to be like superheroes? In what kind of fucked-up world would that be allowed to happen? And what? Cos you're all special, and I'm not? Well, I doubt it.
You can think what you like but I have a super power and I just need to find out what it is.
Maybe you're just super-retarded.
Maybe I've got a Spider-Man vibe going on.
Maybe I can climb stuff and do spider shit.
That makes perfect sense.
Why would you be able to climb stuff? I don't know.
How is it that you can turn back time, apparently? And weird kid can turn invisible? It's not like this whole situation is backed up by a wank-load of logic.
What is that? Is he breathing? Nude guy! You're naked! You! Do you want to tell us who that was? He's my mum's He lives with my mum.
Your stepdad has got a massive cock.
Jesus! And he's not my stepdad, all right? Did you see that thing? That was monster big.
Your mum'll hurt.
- Shut up! - Why's he naked? He's obviously some kind of pervert or he's gay.
That follows.
He was cruising for rough trade.
They love that shit.
A little light homophobia.
Go for it.
He could be a rapist.
- There's loads of them round here.
- Maybe he's a werewolf.
Twat.
It's what happens in films.
You turn into a werewolf, you kill someone, then you wake-up somewhere, naked - like a zoo.
- He's not a werewolf.
OK? This guy is such a pussy, he needs my mum to open jars for him.
If was a werewolf he'd be able to open a jar of peanut butter for himself.
What happens if the storm messed him up? That's bollocks.
What are the chances? Help out.
Talk to them.
Make sure everyone's having a good time.
Move! Is he dead? I think he's dead.
She's stealing your pension! He's fine.
My mouth's as dry as a badger's chuff.
D'you want a cup of tea? Bugger me.
Perhaps you'd like to dance with someone? - You've got to be shitting me? - No, Alisha.
I am not "shitting you".
Come on Harry.
Alisha was wondering if you'd like to dance with her? It would be an honour.
Let me taste your sweet cherry lips.
I'd give my life to spend a night between your dusky thighs.
Let's find you a chair.
You go and help make tea.
Just keep out the way.
OK, Joan.
Let's pick up some speed, let's get that wind flowing through your hair.
Let's get that wind flowing through your scalp, come on.
Thanks.
So are you like a member of staff or something? - I'm a volunteer.
- Volunteer? I love to volunteer.
Is that why they gave you community service? Could be, could be.
I'd probably just be here anyway you know, helping out.
Old people.
They're so they're so They're old you know.
So what did you do? I sexually assaulted a 90-year-old woman.
That's funny.
She didn't seem to think so at the time.
God rest her soul.
- Jesus! - No, no, the truth is, I was just done for eating some Pick'n'Mix.
Right.
Of course you were.
Such a liar, pass me those sausage rolls.
I think she wants to dance with you.
That's nice.
Fuck off.
Someone knows.
They know we killed our probation worker.
Is this a wind up? Is this you? If I was trying to wind you up, I think I'd be a little more creative.
"I know what film you saw last summer.
" This isn't funny? If I wanted to freak you out, I would've dug up the body and stuck that in your locker.
If it wasn't him, who was it? - Well, we've all done stuff.
- They could be talking about anything.
It was in your locker.
This was meant for all of us.
They're talking about the probation worker.
Let's say you're right.
If they actually knew anything, they wouldn't be dicking around sticking notes on lockers.
They would've gone to the police.
And we'd all be banged up in prison, getting gang-raped in the showers.
But this, this means that they have no evidence.
No proof.
Nothing.
I'm guessing it's about some other totally unrelated shit that you've done.
So, if we're all done freaking out here, over nothing, there's somewhere I need to be.
Please tell me you don't actually believe that prick? Whoever did it is just trying to freak us out, we just act normal.
Did you get my messages? I need to talk.
You're not moving back in.
It's not about that.
It's about Jeremy.
No.
Just listen.
This morning, I was doing my Community Service.
We found Jeremy in the car-park.
He was bollock naked.
I swear.
On my mother's life.
- On my life.
- You're doing it again.
- You're lying.
- Right.
How come I know he's got a massive cock? How would I know that if I hadn't seen him naked? I don't know! Maybe you watched him taking a shower? Cos that sounds like the sort of thing I'm doing now, watching men showering? Mum, he was out there, running around, naked, like a wolf boy.
- What's a wolf boy? - It's a boy, raised by wolves.
You know, the little hairy kid in Siberia.
We watched it on Discovery.
Why can't you just be happy for me? Because your boyfriend is some kind of psycho, rough trade, gay, rapist werewolf! Every man I meet.
There's always a reason you take against them.
It's like when you said Richard was sexually abusing you.
It's nothing like that.
This is true.
There is something weird going on with Jeremy.
This conversation is over! Hello? - What're you doing here? - I left my bag.
Left your bag, did you? Of course you did.
You sure you didn't come back to see me? I didn't know you'd be here.
Why are you here? I'm volunteering.
I'm just giving and giving and then I just give some more.
- Is this a burglary? - No.
I could say the same to you.
Except I've got keys to the building and permission to be here.
D'you want a drink? So now it's a burglary.
You all right? I want to get a photo.
A naked man with a huge cock just ran past.
It's him! - Who? - It's my mum's It's the guy who lives with my mum.
Quick, give me your phone.
Did you really think I was going to let you get away with this? That's my mum, you sick bastard! We can do this, the hard way or the there is no easy way.
Game over.
You're screwed.
Jezza? Maybe we should talk about this? Over a coffee? All right! You look like you had a good night.
It was all right.
Don't that tag mean you've got a curfew? I'm not going to let a thing like that stop me from enjoying myself.
You should come out with us sometime.
I would you know, but my mum told me to stay away from girls like you.
Your mum has never met a girl like me.
It's him.
It's the guy who lives with my mum.
This is evidence.
What am I looking at? Cock, anus, bit of ball-sack.
- What's that? - That's ball-sack.
It's from a low angle.
Jesus! Where were you last night? Oh, shit.
She knows I'm a homeless.
Here, look.
- Cock, anus, ball-sack yeah? - What's that? That's cock.
Look, this guy is living with my mum.
We've got to do something.
Like what? - Can you get me a gun? - I ain't getting you a gun.
C'mon.
Just a little one.
Nothing too lairy.
There's no way I'm getting a dickhead like you a gun.
You can get a gun off the internet.
What if we go round there tonight, talk to him? We'll be mature and polite, yeah? Then we'll just tell him to fuck off.
What if he says no? I don't know.
We'll improvise.
So, who's with me? It's like that, is it? So much for being united by a horrific, life changing, shared experience.
Last week? You know? The situation We killed our probation worker! God, you're such a dickhead.
That counts for nothing? I'll come with you.
You know, if you want someone to go with you.
I'll come.
I'm not being funny but, me and you, buddying up kicking ass! I'm just not feeling it, but, hey.
Lovely thought.
Cheers.
Did that hurt? Yeah, hurt like a bastard.
I only got it done cos my fiance wanted it.
- Are you engaged? - I was.
I'm not any more.
Why, what happened? I could hear what he was thinking, yeah? And he wasn't exactly being romantic.
Have you been with anyone since you could do your thing? No, not full on.
I've tried it out, just for a second.
They were proper horny.
One was quite fit, actually.
Have you shagged anyone? What d'you think? That's right.
Your number's up, you psycho nudist freak.
I got you now, baby.
See anything you recognise? What am I looking at? Cock, anus, ball-sack.
Is it? It's from a low angle.
It's you, last night.
George Michael gets away with this, but he was in Wham.
Who are you? I don't remember what happened.
How very convenient.
This happened.
I show this to my mum, you're history.
So just take your crappy shit.
And go.
That's your mum's.
I'll buy her a new one, that's what sons do for mums.
Look don't make this any harder on her.
Just go! No, you go.
Your Mum doesn't even want you here.
You prick! - What are you doing? - You made me do this! You wouldn't listen! That psycho was out last night.
Tell her you sick bastard.
- Tell her! - He already told me.
He told you? So, what the fuck? It started after that storm.
It did something to me.
Sometimes it's like I'm a dog.
When I was a kid, we had this Jack Russell, Billy.
We did everything together.
That's weird.
- He was my best friend.
- That's really weird.
Whenever I see a Jack Russell, it it brings back all these feelings.
And next thing I know, I'm waking up, naked.
It's true.
I didn't believe it at first.
But I've seen what he's like when he changes.
Just are you honestly telling me, - that you're OK with this? - If that's who he is.
I've got to accept it.
Some men dress up in women's clothing They're just sick perverts.
He's dangerous.
I would never hurt your mum.
I love her.
You've broken his nose! It's not like you can enter him in Crufts.
I got your address from the community centre.
I just thought you might want your phone back.
Oh, there's probably a photo on there you want to delete.
It's just a It's a shot of some ball-sack.
Anyway, just, I'll see you around.
Are you OK? She's never hit me before not even a smack when I was a kid.
What d'you want from her? Would you be happier if she was on her own? But it's horrible being on your own.
You want her to be miserable? You don't want your mum to have anyone in her life because that means she's not there for you.
Don't try that reverse psychology A-level bullshit on me.
I'm fine.
You're living in a community centre.
You're doing great.
The only thing worse than being lonely, is other people knowing you're lonely.
No-one wants to look like a cunt.
You can't give your mum everything she needs.
Don't be so selfish.
Grow up.
What's that supposed to mean? - D'you want a drink? - Yeah.
Whose house is this? It's my Gran's.
I'm staying with her.
Is sherry OK? So what happened to you? I came back last night and you were gone.
You seemed more interested in chasing a naked man around the car park.
What would've happened if I hadn't gone chasing a naked man around the car park? I'm guessing, you would have had some pretty amazing sex.
Really? Your gran's not here, is she? Well, that's embarrassing.
Oh, come on! It's been a while, OK? How about a little sensitivity? It's not that.
Do you always pull that face when you have an orgasm? What is wrong with my cum face? It's really bad.
Well, I'll work on it.
D'you want to try again? I'm here.
You're here.
We're both naked, consenting adults Hello? Hello, can I help? Is everything OK? Do you need any help? I'm coming! Are you OK? Well, you were What the fuck What was that thing? It was the storm.
I just wanted to be young again.
You complain about my cum face.
You should see yours, love.
Trust me.
It's a shocker.
Do we have to talk about this through the door? I'm coming out.
Move away from the door.
Back off, Back off! Exactly how old are you? I didn't mean for this to happen.
It felt so good to be young again and I liked you.
I shagged someone's gran.
I haven't got any grandchildren.
That's OK then, cos that could have been really awkward.
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry? I'm gonna need counselling now.
I'm damaged goods.
Where are my boxer shorts? Oh, c'mon.
Don't go.
I'm not waiting around for Granny Fuck Me to make another appearance.
Something's wrong.
I'm changing back.
I think I'm growing old again.
I'm scared.
This is the fifth time you've broken your curfew.
What's the problem? You can't go out any time you want.
It was my friend's birthday.
What had I to do? - Is that a joke? - Am I laughing? I'm arresting you for breaching the terms of your ASBO.
You're not serious? Oh, I want you so bad, I need your lovin', you sexy little minx.
- Shit! Let go of me! - Let's do it on the desk.
- Get off me! - I'm so hard for you.
That's five and a half inches of pure pleasure.
Fuck off! Get off me, you pervert! I have no idea why that's out.
Are you OK? I'll sort all this out for you.
If you want to complain I'll back you up.
I just want to forget it.
You seem to have quite an effect on men.
You're a very beautiful girl.
It's not my fault if they can't keep their dicks in their trousers.
I am here.
You know, if anything like that happens, or if you're worried about anything.
You can talk to me.
I'll give you my mobile number.
No, you're all right.
What happened to you? I will not be in a room where that song is playing.
Line in the sand, my friend.
Some old woman was looking for you.
What if Ruth's told someone I had sex with her? Oh, shit.
No.
You shagged her! Yeah.
Yeah, nice one.
I gave her a right good seeing to.
You totally screwed her.
You nailed that old woman? That is wrong.
- Did you enjoy it? - Shut up, you little freak.
- I think he did.
- Are you into that? She didn't look like that when we started, OK? You remember that bird Ruth, from Tuesday? Beautiful.
That wrinkly old bint that's her! It was the storm.
It made her young again.
Please, please tell me you didn't He did! He did! God's sake! Nathan wait, look I didn't mean to tell them.
It just came out.
Well great job.
Nice one.
Well done.
And stay out of my head, OK? Granny fucker! Hello? Ruth? Oh, Jesus, no.
You little tart.
I'm sorry.
I suppose you're going to tell me you love him? But it doesn't change how I feel about you.
I'm so sorry I hit you.
I punched the guy you live with.
Your I can't call him your "boyfriend", or your "partner", it's too pathetic.
You can call him Dad, if you like.
That's funny.
I've been worried about you.
Where're you living? I've got a flat with some friends flatmates.
If you try to get on with Jeremy, I mean, really try, maybe you could move back in.
I'm not being funny, a woman your age If you don't settle down before your looks go, you've got no chance.
Thank you.
I can't be looking after you when you're 80.
You'll be phoning me every time you want to change the TV channel.
No, too painful.
I've got my flat.
It's better for all of us.
Come round for your tea sometimes? See you, then.
If you ever hurt her, I'll take you up the vets and have you put down.
I told you there'd be other people who got messed up by the storm.
- And you didn't believe me.
- Yeah, well, I was wrong, wasn't I? There's a hurricane of weird shit out there.
Another oral sex gag.
Brilliant.
We need to be ready for when they come after us.
What're you talking about? The other people, who got caught up in the storm.
Why would they come after us? Because that's what people do.
Yeah, well, if they do, we'll just tell them it was all your fault.
You know that note you found in your locker? I think it was talking about the probation worker.
Holy shit.
I've got a power.
I know it.
I can feel it in my balls.
- I know you want to.
- Don't.
- You can't be doing that to people.
- Trust me, you enjoyed it.
Tony's alive.
He used his credit card to book a flight.
No, it's not him.
It can't be.
We're a bunch of young offenders.
Not one of us knows how to steal a car? They're going to dig up the bodies! We need to move them.
=HKKS=