Misfits Episode Scripts

Series 2, Episode 1

- What is going on with this weather? - What is that? The storm, that lightning, it's done something to us.
It's happened to me, I'm invisible.
Look at me! - Time went backwards.
- What, you turned back time? - I've got to have sex with you, now! - What is happening to me? Everyone can do something except me.
You killed him! If there's no body, there's no crime.
This breaches the terms of my ASBO.
Don't use your power on me.
I'm already there.
Do you want to go for a drink? I'm your probation worker.
You were just using me.
Save me, Barry! You've gotta save him, he's not allowed to die! I've got a power! Who's laughing now? Help! I'm alive! You buried me alive, you dicks! You fucker! My fucking eye! - Misifts 2x01 - Blackart, DuDuDu, Strex Trad : DuDuDu, ricorod, Strex, tactactac Relec : Batefer - It could be a trap.
- Right.
We're here five minutes and someone's setting a trap for us.
It's too early for this bullshit.
It's a wind-up.
Who uses a paper aeroplane? - They're going to get a slap.
- I don't think you should slap them.
It's like saying hello.
- Are you trying to say something? - No.
Who are you? I'm your new probation worker.
What happened to the other one? Apparently she's missing.
Now, this is where I'm supposed to make a big speech about you paying your debt to society and making a difference.
But seriously, we've all got things we'd rather be doing.
See your mates? A little drug use? Making love to your beautiful Italian girlfriend? I'm talking about me.
Now, let's just get through it and get out of here, all right? That's different.
Who are they? It's an art therapy class.
They're mentals? You want to say that a bit louder? I don't think the weird-looking one heard you.
Just try and treat them with some sensitivity and respect.
Even that one Think you can manage that? So, what do you want us to do? For starters, paint over that piece of shit.
I can't believe it's you.
I tried to see you after you'd left the unit.
They wouldn't give me your phone number.
Didn't you get the letters I wrote you? Why didn't you visit me? They said I shouldn't have any contact with the patients.
I knew it.
I knew you wanted to see me.
I think about you all the time.
Do you think about me? Come see me tonight.
I'm busy tonight.
You have to come, there's so much I want to tell you.
Promise me.
I should go.
I miss you.
It's good to see you.
This is a complete waste of time.
Take it to the edge.
Pull it back, pull it back make it last, you little tease! Crank it up! You love it, you beautiful bastard! He's alive.
- He's dead.
- I heard him.
He was knocking one out.
That does sound like him.
You just wanted to hear him.
He's gone.
What the fuck? You should see your faces.
Classic! Guess what? I'm immortal! Can you believe it? I told you I had a power.
Looks like they saved the best for last.
Immortality.
That's off the A list.
You stupid wanker! - Stop hitting me! - I thought you were dead! I thought I'd never see her again.
So if you're not dead, how come you smell so bad? I have shat myself.
- Were you having a wank in there? - So what if I was? A man can't enjoy a quick shuffle in his own coffin? It's not like I was expecting visitors.
And you, you little freak! What was that on the roof? I tried to save you.
You failed spectacularly, didn't you? I need to eat.
Has anyone got a kebab? Do you want some chewing gum? Tutti-frutti? I like it.
That was a bad scene in there.
I thought I'd starve to death.
You're immortal, you can't starve to death.
You're an expert? So, what are you going to do now? I should probably tell my mum I'm immortal.
Catch you later? So, my mum opens the door and she's like: I'm like, "I'm immortal!" Then she fainted.
Faceplants on the radiator.
There's blood and teeth everywhere.
- Is she all right? - Yeah, she's fine.
Apart from the whole face.
Kinda put a downer on the whole thing.
- How did you tell it to your dad? - I told him I faked my death as part of an elaborate life insurance scam.
He was not a happy man.
Who are you? I could ask you the same thing.
I'm the probation worker.
Nathan Young.
They told me you were dead.
Really? Apparently not.
Could a dead man do this? Well, I'll put you back in the system.
What? I was out of the system? I was a free man? If I didn't show up, no-one would've look for me? We thought you were dead.
You prick.
Where were you? I waited for you.
You promised.
There was something we had to do.
Were you with them? I should - Do you know her? - No.
- Are you trying to shag her? - She's not that mentally ill.
- Or maybe she is.
- Shut up.
No offence.
A lot of people say I'm mentally ill.
Obviously I'm not, cause I'm here, and you're there.
With the other crazies.
What are you doing? I'm seducing you.
I'm being all slutty, and horny.
You're with Curtis.
Curtis and me are over.
He didn't satisfy me.
Sexually.
What're you doing? I don't think you should be doing that.
You shouldn't be doing that.
Hello, big boy.
Catch you later.
So did you cry at my funeral? I bet lots of girls were crying, wishing they'd shagged me while I was alive.
Too late, ladies.
This ship has sailed.
- You're such a dickhead.
- I missed you too.
I'm no good at this serious, girl stuff, feelings and shit.
I fancy you.
Thanks.
And obviously you fancy me.
So the question is, when are we going to seal the deal? Because it's going to happen.
I know it.
You know it.
They know it.
Tonight.
Really? Just like that? We're going to? You won't regret it.
What? Do you like food? Do I like food? I mean eating.
We could go for a pizza, and some garlic dough balls.
Are you asking me out? I think about you.
Not just since you You think about me? Have you been wanking over me? If you wank over someone, wank over Kelly, yeah? Freak.
Why are you doing this to me? I was just getting some condoms.
You know, for later.
So, are we just doing it the once, or will we be at it all night? Should I get two packs? It depends on how good you are.
What have you got? Let's have a look.
Get it out.
You want to see the merchandise.
I get it.
Try before you buy.
Is that it? I haven't another one.
You call that a cock? - What would you call it? - I'd call it pathetic.
I don't shag guys with tiny cocks.
Forget it.
I've never had any complaints.
Well, maybe a few.
Perhaps it wouldn't be a problem if you didn't have a massive fanny.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about your jumbo size twat.
I fucking hate you sometimes! You started it! I have feelings.
And so does my cock! Something is going on with these kids.
Their last two probation workers have disappeared.
They just vanished.
I know these type of kids.
They're annoying, lazy idiots.
They're not murderers.
I want to search the building.
- Have you got a warrant? - Do I need one? I'll get one.
You better hope they don't get to you first.
I'm shitting my pants.
What's happened? Alisha, look at me.
Look at me! Who did this to you? He attacked me.
What? Why would he attack you? I don't know.
He's insane.
I'll kill him.
What's going on? Nothing.
I should finish you! - I'm sorry! - Why'd you hurt Alisha like that? - I never hurt her - Don't fucking lie! This is going to be interesting.
- I want to get comfortable.
- Why are you looking at me like that? What're you doin'? - What happened to the blood? - What? Did you hit him? He attacked Alisha.
No he didn't.
In the locker room.
Your face was all messed up.
You said he attacked you.
What are you talking about? You hit him again, I'll kick your balls back into your stomach, mate.
I think he's been wanking over me.
I haven't! It's not very convincing.
He doesn't know Alisha gave me oral sex.
She gave you a blow job? I read him.
He says you sucked him.
What the fuck is going on? If I was going to suck someone, trust me, it wouldn't be him.
Are you going to cry? Be straight with us.
Did she give you a nosh? Whoever that was sucking your cock, it wasn't me.
Something weird's going on.
I guess it's your fault.
Is that the probation worker? You killed her? She was after us.
She was engaged to Tony, the first probation worker.
She found out about us killing him.
What, so you kill her? That's brilliant.
Problem solved! She was going to the police.
I didn't mean to kill her.
It was an accident.
You're a weird little psycho, and now everyone knows it.
Don't walk away.
This is on all of us.
I thought we were through with this shit.
I don't know what is going on with my guts.
It's all hot cross buns and Easter Eggs when Jesus gets resurrected.
- That wasn't Nathan? - Whoever it was, they know we killed our probation workers.
Did someone kill our probation worker? Seriously? I spend a few hours in the toilet and I miss all that? Life is just passing me by.
Who was that just now? I think it's a shape shifter.
They can take on other people's appearance.
I saw it in an episode of Star Trek.
You should watch more science fiction stuff might actually figure out what's going on round here.
So that wasn't you who said those hurtful things about the size of my cock? Then you're probably wondering why I said you had a huge fanny.
There may have been a bit of a mix-up.
We should set up a password, that we can say to each other so we know it's us.
"Monkey slut".
We're not having "monkey slut" as a password.
What are the chances of that being used in a normal conversation? Kinda low, no? Just go with it.
"Monkey slut".
We need to find out who it is before they go to the police.
It's the new probation worker.
It's always the probation worker.
That dead chick was the probation worker's fiancee.
What if this new one's his brother? He's white.
Tony was black.
Adopted brother? Adopted kids are nut jobs.
Or her.
I will see you tomorrow.
Yeah, good one.
Very convincing.
You think you can dick around with us! Change back into your fuckin' self! Kick her again! Kick her again! She has me! Get her off me! Lick my salty balls, you cock-loving, ball-sucking bitch! Shut up! She's dead.
We've killed him.
Look, you had to do it.
She was going to kill me.
You're immortal! I thought she'd turn back into herself when she died.
There's no way that's actually the probation worker.
I think it might be.
Can we please stop killing our probation workers? That dead chick was that other probation worker's fiancee, right? What if this new one's his brother? He's white.
Tony was black.
Adopted brother? Adopted kids are nut jobs.
Wait! Right.
I will see you tomorrow.
Good one.
Very convincing.
It's not her.
What's going on? Nothing.
You're obviously lying.
But it's five o'clock and I couldn't give a shit.
Have a good one! Where's she? She's a mouse! Get some cheese! Are you fuckin' serious? So what's the story with you and this girl? After I tried to burn that boy's house down they sent me to a psychiatric unit for assessment.
Really? I can't imagine why.
Lucy was a patient in the unit.
She's obsessed with me.
So it's just that and the murder, is it? Or is there anything else you'd like to share? You expect me to tell you anything after how you've treated me? - The names you've called me? - What names? Weird kid.
Panty sniffer.
Virgin.
Freak.
Twat.
Pervert.
Paedophile.
Melon fucker.
I just want to be your friend.
Sure, man.
All right.
You just know Curtis is going to get all freaked out over the whole It wasn't even me! One of my exes was watching a porno, yeah? He saw a girl who looked like me getting shagged by a load of dwarfs.
Did his head in.
That was it.
Over.
So, basically, he's had a blow job off your girlfriend and you haven't? It wasn't her.
- It looked like her.
- It wasn't.
- It had her mouth.
- Not her brain.
Who cares about her brain when your balls are resting on her chin? Say another word! I dare you.
Do it.
I didn't do anything! Be angry with him! I didn't know what was happening.
She just Then she - Before I knew it, she was - Sucking your cock! You didn't know it wasn't Alisha.
You should've stopped her.
Be serious.
That requires an inhuman level of self-restraint that no man is capable of.
The siren call of the blow-job renders all men powerless.
That's how girls trick you into marrying them.
Mouse! Split up! Find her! Gotcha.
I got the bitch! Jesus, I've killed her! Do something! Give her mouth to mouth or something.
I hate mice.
The password monkey slut! What? It's you! It's not you! Guys! Guys! Come on! Monkey slut! Help! It's him.
She's Barry! She shoved me onto a pipe.
I'm not her.
I'm me.
Then I'm really confused.
Monkey slut.
Shit! Does that hurt? Only when I breathe.
Is that her? That's just a mouse.
The bad news is, the mental girl, she knows the password.
Monkey slut is blown.
She could be any one of us.
I think you can rule me out.
- It's not me.
- It's not me either.
Prove it.
Use your power.
I want to rub my cock in your hairy armpit.
Happy now? Cock, armpit.
It wasn't pretty.
Right, you're up.
Do your thing.
Monkey slut.
No way! That's not Curtis.
- I can hear her thinking.
- What? If you're you, rewind time.
You know it doesn't work like that.
I'm gonna find Curtis.
What do we do with her? Only one thing we can do.
- That's pretty brutal.
- We can't kill her.
She knows too much.
What was that? Is something happening? Who is it? It's you.
Why are you doing this? These new friends you've made They've turned you against me.
I know what I need to do now.
You're going to walk into the police station and confess to murdering your probation worker.
They'll lock you up in the unit.
We'll be together again.
I'm doing this for us.
Don't worry about me.
I'll just die again.
I shouldn't have blanked you.
I should never have done that to you.
I know how much it hurts.
I thought they wouldn't be friends with me if they knew about me being in the unit.
Do you really think they're going to be friends with someone like you? For the first time in my life, I feel like I belong.
I've never been this happy.
You murdered your probation worker.
I didn't say it was perfect.
You should have visited me.
I couldn't go back to the unit.
I can't go back.
It's where you belong.
I'm not that person any more.
I like who I am now.
Don't take that away from me.
Is there something you want to tell me? Fuck you.
Is this a wind-up? Of course it is, you prick! Get out of here, freak! I should do you for wasting police time! I'll walk you home.
So you didn't shit yourself this time? Apparently not.
So that's progress! That stuff I said about your huge vagina.
I didn't mean it.
I'm sure it's a beauty.
It's stuff you say all the time.
It's just who you are.
I can change.
I just wanted to make sure that you were okay.
Cornettos! I've got to tell you, I'm loving this whole immortality gig.
So you don't mind dying all the time? It's scary, and it's painful.
My mum still can't get the stains out of those trousers.
But there's a definite upside.
You'll have to get a job forever? You could go a hundred years without getting laid.
Everyone you love will die.
Whatever! In six weeks, it's all going to change.
What's happening in six weeks? We finish our Community Service.
- What're you gonna do then? - I'm gonna join the circus.
They can throw knives at me, stick swords in me, shoot me in the face.
People pay good money.
And I'm making serious cash.
And where the cash goes, the pussy follows.
No offence, ladies.
So who was it who saved your life? I don't know.
Some guy in a mask.
The only reason I needed saving is because you're all fucking idiots! Don't start on me, I weren't even there! It was me.
I saved you.
How? Come on! I'm joking! Seriously? Still a prick.
Someone else knows about us.
We need to find out who it is.
Haven't we done enough for one week? We almost killed another probation worker.
You had your first blow job.
I died again.
It's nearly the weekend, let's just dump her and worry about that stuff next week.
Or maybe even the week after that.
This will do.
It's time.
I'm looking for Nathan.
- Who are you? - His brother.
- How's that even possible? - We've got the same dad.
- Are you out of your mind? - Fuck you! He was there for you! You don't know how this feels! We're like the Mitchell brothers! Only we're not bald, ugly and shit! I was just thinking about you.
What are you doing? - Who is this guy? - I don't know.
He's following me.
What does he actually know? He seems to know everything.
We need to find him.