Misfits Episode Scripts

Series 2, Episode 3

What did you see when you went forward? I was on the roof dressed as a superhero.
Yeah, then what happened? Nothing.
Who is this guy? I don't know.
He's following me.
What does he actually know? He seems to know everything.
We need to find him.
I'm going to take a shit in his bed.
Who are you? Why are you in my flat? It's you! Give me the bag! Ow, my necklace! Give me the bag, bitch! You're touching me? Who are you? # The city breathing # The people churning # The conversating # The price is what? # The conversating # This place is heaven And if you see them # Right.
Put all this shit in that skip.
Would it kill you to dress it up a bit? Put all this shit in that skip, please.
Sometimes I wonder if you take this job entirely seriously.
I'm 100% committed to your ongoing rehabilitation.
It occupies my every waking minute.
Er, where are you going? For a coffee and a Danish.
Smug bastard.
Well, this is a big load of wank! Ah, ha, ha.
Nice.
So what are you doing later? I'm going to get my tattoo touched up.
Sounds painful! Maybe I should come along and hold your hand.
Yeah, all right.
'Those two going together.
How's that ever going to work?' Have you seen any more of that guy in the mask? Not since last week.
Why do you think he lead us to that girl's flat? Maybe he wanted us to know that he knew that we were on to him.
Or there could be another totally different explanation.
You're supposed to know about this stuff.
Why are you interested in him? Because I just am, all right.
What? I've seen some weird shit over the last few weeks, but this This goes against the very laws of nature.
It's very wrong.
It looks like it's fading or something.
Yeah.
It just needs a little touching up, no? I can do that for you now if you want? Yeah.
Nice one.
Hey, Simon.
You should get one.
I have a phobia of needles.
Listen, I haven't seen you around town lately.
Nah, I've got curfew.
So, whose cock is this? That's mine.
Really? I'm not being funny but, why would you do something like that? It expresses how I felt about my girlfriend when she left me.
You couldn't just get drunk and sleep with a prostitute? Each one of these means something to me, my friend.
When I ink my skin, I feel it.
Hey, man.
Whatever gets you off! Listen, when your curfew ends, give me a call.
I'll buy you a drink.
Hey, Kelly.
How about this one? Would you fancy me even more if I had this, or does it look a bit gay to you? Oh! I mean it would look gay on me, just because I've got a beautiful face.
You get away with it, with your face.
I'm not saying you're ugly.
You've looked in the mirror.
No offence, man.
None taken.
So, how about you and me go get a drink? Where do you want to go? Who's asking you? I'm talking to him.
Look! This is more of a boy's night.
We're talking some quality man time.
Beer, football Maybe some wrestling.
Why are you being such a dick? Come on, man.
Let's go watch some wrestling.
We don't need her.
I thought we were going to a bar to watch some wrestling? Nah, who wants to go to a bar? We've got everything we need, right here.
Come on.
Make yourself comfortable.
Take off your jacket.
Relax.
So, this is really cool, huh? A couple of good looking young fellas, a few beers.
That's good times.
Hey, why don't I put some music on? Oh! Oh, yeah.
# GEORGE MICHAEL: Careless Whisper Wanker! Are you talking to me? Yeah, that's right.
Talking to you, you ugly, rat-faced fuck.
You're going to get a slap.
Come on then.
Save me, you prick! Where you going? Come here! (SCREAMS) I just want to talk to you.
Really? I thought you might want to break into my flat and shit in my bed.
That wasn't me.
We got the wrong flat.
You tell your little friend, he owes me a new mattress.
He wiped his arse on my pyjamas.
That's the kind of thing he does.
He's not right in the head.
What? I know this is going to sound weird and crap but I feel like I know you.
You feel like you know me! You smooth bastard.
Well, you can help yourself.
Just pull my knickers up when you're done.
I'll order a pizza.
Are you always such a bitch? Are you always such a weird twat? Are we done? Yeah.
I want to know everything there is to know about you.
Like what? Anything.
I just bought the Battlestar Galactica DVD box set.
Tell me about your first sexual experience.
Do you want to hear about mine? It was a family camping holiday.
One of my mum's friends came with us and one night I felt her hand sliding into my sleeping bag, like a warm, friendly snake.
Sss! Then she grabs my cock and starts wanking me off.
She had lovely little hands.
Like a midget's.
Your hand's on my leg? Shh.
What are you doing? You don't know how much I've always wanted to do that.
Feel my heart.
It's racing.
It's OK, it's OK.
I'll be gentle.
Why don't we slip your trousers off? It's OK, we don't have to fight any longer.
I want to see it.
Simon.
Simon, don't go.
We don't have to go all the way.
We can just cuddle.
And when you're ready, we can do some dry humping.
Call me! How's your head? What the fuck is going on? Since when did you run around, jumping off buildings? Ever since I travelled back from the future.
Really, did you? Yes.
Seriously? How does this work? There's two of you.
There's the Simon you know, and there's the future Simon.
Me.
You're so different.
A lot happens between now and then.
You touched me.
Why doesn't my power work on you? Things are different in the future.
What's with all the photographs and clocks and There are things that need to happen at certain times.
I'm here to make sure they do.
Does it hurt? I should go.
No matter what happens you can never tell Simon I'm him.
You can't tell any of them.
Not Curtis, not anyone.
It could change anything everything.
Promise me you won't tell.
He kissed me.
Nathan kissed you? He put his tonguein my mouth.
He's a dickhead.
He's winding you up.
He tried to take my trousers off.
Are you taking the piss? He said he wanted to do some .
.
dry humping.
What did you do? I left! Very quickly.
If you open your heart, I know we could have something really beautiful.
Yours .
.
forever, Nathan.
Jesus! Stop kicking me! What have I told you about dicking around with Simon? Who's dicking around? You put your tongue in his mouth! Ow! Jesus! All right.
All right, so I got a littlebit fresh with him.
I was staring into those big, beautiful eyes.
He's like a He's like a handsome shark.
I couldn't help myself.
I love him.
You're a dick! Do my feelings for him offend you? I'm sorry.
Because they're true.
And pure Well, they're true.
I can't pretend any longer.
I won't.
'I never felt like this about anyone.
He completes me.
' Er, that's from Jerry Maguire.
Yeah, I know.
I've watched it four times last night.
It's like he's Tom and I'm Renee.
Someone else is the ugly, speccy kid.
Are you trying to tell me you're gay or something? Gay, straight, retarded.
Why do we put labels and everything? We do, all right? Or else no-one will know what the fuck's going on.
Is this why me and you haven't got it together? Maybe he's what has been missing from my life.
Why do you think I was always so mean to him? Because you're a wanker.
No, it is because it's much easier to humiliate, degrade and just generally shit allover someone than it is to admit that you love them! # You won't believe what love can do # Until it happens to you.
# Hi.
I got you a drink.
It's just a drink.
Thank you.
Do you ever think about the future? Do you think about what's going to happen to us? All the time.
And we need to be ready.
What for? One day someone's going to find out about us.
Everything will change.
I know you've looked out for us.
Killing the probation worker.
The second one.
I've never thanked you.
I wanted you to know.
Thanks.
Why are you being so nice to me? I can be nice.
Sometimes.
Look, if I've ever been a bitch to you I'm sorry.
I've never thought you were a bitch.
Sometimes I think it's difficult for beautiful girls.
People don't see past their looks.
I should go.
What's this? Read it.
We'll take things slowly.
When you're ready to develop the physical side of our relationship, you just let me know.
No pressure.
Thanks.
It's just so hard when you're so cute, and I'm so horny, and there's only a couple of thin layers of cotton separating our genitals.
Did you know that he had a tattoo done with your name on it? No.
Hey.
Hiya.
Everything all right with the tattoo? It's fine.
Know that guy I was with yesterday? The gobby one? Is there something wrong with him? I think there probably is.
Did you tattoo him? No.
Why? Because he's got this tattoo and I thought he might have come in.
'She knows I did it.
' You tattooed him, didn't you? Did you turn him into a gay? I always liked you.
What? Why do you want to be with a gobby little shit like him? Hm? Now, I can make you happy.
You're just being weird.
You can't make people gay just because they're dickheads.
What are you doing? I'm going to make you so happy.
Hi.
Were you sniffing my knickers? You think I risked my life travelling through the dimensions of time so I could sniff your knickers? I don't know, did you? No.
I've got something that belongs to you.
I thought I'd lost it.
You told me I was beautiful today.
I know.
Everything that happens to Simon, it's already happened to me.
You made me feel Ever since I got this power, blokes, you know It doesn't make you feel very good about yourself.
It's not down to you.
None of us asked for this.
What d'you want from me? Why are you here in this time? I came back for you.
Are we together? We will be.
That's why I'm here.
You and me? Seriously.
How is that ever gonna happen? You fall in love with me.
You can't say stuff like that.
You know what happens.
And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, and it's freaking me out.
You You need to go.
Don't.
Will you please fuck off! Hi.
Come here.
I don't feel like it.
C'mon.
Let's go to the storeroom.
Can we just leave it, yeah? What's up with you? Nothing.
No, no, you've been in some kind of weird mood.
No, I haven't.
Now you don't want to have sex? We don't have sex.
What's that supposed to mean? Well? What? Is this it? Is this the best I get? Wanking myself off in a storeroom.
It's not my fault I can't touch you.
So it's my fault? No, I didn't mean that.
You think I've asked for this? No.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I deserve all this.
But I need you to make me feel like I don't.
Alisha, I didn't mean that.
Alisha.
And don't even think about using your power to fix this.
I want to know what a prick you can be.
I don't even remember having that done.
No, neither do I.
I don't regret it though.
Not one little bit.
I think the tattoos are controlling you.
That tattoo guy must have done them.
Er, Vince wouldn't do that.
He loves me.
That's your tattoo talking.
Cute and clever.
And that's yours.
Hi.
Are you coming in? I don't even know if what you're telling me is true.
You say all these, things.
You tell me I fall in love with you.
How do I know it happens? You can't do this to me.
I have to go.
You touch me like that and then you tell me you have to go? There's something I need to do.
Wait here.
What am I doing? It's going to be all right.
I should know.
I'm from the future.
We need to get him to remove the tattoos.
I really don't think he did it.
I need to find Alisha.
We had a big fight.
Hey, man.
Love hurts, OK.
It chews you up and spits you out like a big ball of mucus.
Oy.
It's him.
We can see that.
What does he want? Hi.
You all right there, fella? He's got a gun! It's peanuts.
Dry-roasted.
All that drama, he drops off a snack? Why is he giving us peanuts? Maybe he knows I missed lunch.
I suppose you've got a better explanation than that? Anything, anything you could possibly come up with would be better than that.
All right, touchy.
Just cos you and your girlfriend split up.
We didn't split up! All right.
We should go to the tattoo parlour.
Are you coming? Let's just get this done, all right? Oh, there he is, Mr Dick.
Because of the tattoo, on your cock? So what is this? We know about the tattoos.
I told them that you didn't do it.
Just get rid of the bullshit tattoos, yeah? Or what? Or get ready to feel the pain.
You're not gonna hurt him.
You're on our side.
He's so fit.
Lose the tattoos! WHIRRING You stabbed me! Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah.
She stays.
You go.
Don't just stand there.
Right, right, right.
What do we do? Remove the tattoos, or I open the nuts.
He stabs me and you're offering him peanuts? Nuts are his kryptonite.
Like in Superman.
Listen.
Sure we can work this out, yeah? Don't open those nuts.
You want some? Dry roasted.
So butch.
Listen! Drop the nuts or I'll take her eye out! You're so sexy.
Let her go! Put your nuts on the floor! Don't make me do it! Drop the nuts! Drop the gun! Will someone tell me what's going on! I will shoot her in the eye! Let her go! AAARGHHHHH!!! (CHOKES) Simon! Please don't kill him.
My beautiful boy.
I will neverlet you go (COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS) Removethetattoos.
Inject me.
Do it! If you want to spunk all over a girl's tattoos, just ask them, yeah? What do you want? I bought you some pyjamas.
Are you OK? Brilliant(!) Peaches and cream(!) Can I do anything, like? You got a spare heart? What? I just erm I just wanted you to have 'em.
You know? I hope they fit all right.
Thanks.
I have to go, like.
I feel weird leaving you like this.
It's not as bad it looks.
I'll be fine.
This is where it all started.
I'm standing in the exact spot where three months ago a freak storm caused The ASBO Five to develop their extraordinary powers.
So when did you first realise you had a power? 'Well, we'd just found that other boy's body stuffed in the locker 'and then Curtis grabbed my hand and he's all like, "Oh, I want to bone you.
I want to shag you senseless.
" I mean, I guess I didn't really know for sure until I touched Simon.
LIFT OPENS You shouldn't be watching that.
Do we become famous? Do you want to be famous? It's got to be better than picking up litter.
Sometimes I think that was the best time of my life.
Does something bad happen to us? Am I going to die? I'm not going to let that happen.
So what happens now? What do you want to happen? I don't know.
# So I walked into the haze # And a million dirty ways # Now I see you lying there # Like a lilo losing air # Black rocks and shoreline sand # Still that summer I cannot bear # And I wipe the sand from my eyes # The Spanish Sahara # The place that you wanna # Leave the horror here # Forget the horror, yeah # Forget the horror # Don't take this the wrong way, but You're way better than I thought you'd be.
I had a good teacher.
You.
I never taught you how to do that.
Not yet.
But you will.
I didn't realise how much I missed it.
Being able to touch someone.
I can't believe I've just had sex with you.
You're Simon.
You're still a virgin.
Not for much longer.
Do you lose it with me? Are you jealous? Shut up.
I like it that you're jealous.
This is too weird.
So that was an unexpected turn of events.
You mean you being a big gay? I'm not a gay.
Look at me.
You sure about that? I'm about 98% certain.
Would you like me to prove it to you? Go on then.
Really? Get on with it.
All right.
Prepare to be aroused.
Oh, just kiss me, you dick! Yeah Undo this I'm not being funny, yeah, but, is this doing anything for you? Well, you know I'm a guy.
We're really not that fussy.
It just feels all wrong, like I'm doing it with my cousin or something.
Well, I could slip another finger up there.
You know, go two up? No, it just don't feel right.
You know when you just know? I just think we should be mates.
After all these weeks' build-up we're not even going to shag? Is that what you're saying? Sorry.
Yeah.
You want to take that out? Oh, yeah, OK.
Oh, I think it's stuck.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Oh, for fuck's sake! Hang on.
Hello! Mates, yeah? Yeah, mates.
Big buddies.
Pals.
Hi.
I got to go do my Community Service.
I guess you know that, cos I'm going to see you there.
So Are we seeing each other now? Yes.
I can't lie to Curtis.
I can't do that to him.
You have to.
What, you want me to keep on seeing him? The present me isn't ready for what has to happen.
You have to give me time.
Will you stop being so fucking mysterious! It goes with the territory.
Yeah, well it's annoying! You have to trust me.
Just let it play out.
What's up with you? I just realised I haven't died this week.
It's only Thursday.
There's still time.
Now why would you say something like that? Twat! So you don't love me any more? OK.
So I loved you.
Big deal.
I think we should talk about it.
I so want to hear this.
If we'd have (WHISTLES) That would've been the best sex you've ever had.
Correction.
That would've been the only sex you've ever had.
Do you ever get embarrassed of anything? Not really, no.
We done? You know that fella in the mask? How did he know that Vince was allergic to nuts? I told you.
He seems to know everything.
We need to find out who he is.
Can't we just let him do his thing? I mean seriously, who cares? That's a bald fanny! Oh, they love it! Bosh! He's going to be doing his Community Service thing with you lot.
Are you saying he's like a new member of the gang? We can't let the new guy find out about our powers.
Have any of you got one of these weird powers? Things with us They haven't been right for a while now.
You're different.
If you're done being all super-heroey with your clocks, you can come back to bed.
He's fucking crazy! Do you think he was talking about this fella? I want my money.
All we need is 100 grand.
Let's rob a bank.
This is not real.
It's just a game! You think this is a game? This is my life.