Misfits Episode Scripts

Series 3, Episode 7

You keep looking until you find it.
Who is she? She was my girlfriend.
She died.
I thought we could go away together.
Like a holiday? I was thinking Morocco, somewhere like that.
What, you found it? I thought you'd be a little more excited.
It's complicated.
If the probation worker goes missing and we don't turn up to community service, it looks suspicious.
Something's going on with my power.
I can't switch back.
I'm stuck! I can help you, but I need you to do something for me.
I'll do it.
I've got another power, and you'll have to use it for me.
The power to bring people back from the dead.
Like who? My dead girlfriend.
What's she going to be like? Jesus, what's she going to say? She's going to freak out.
What do I say to her? Well, have you got any advice? I guess you play it cool.
Play it down, like hi.
Hi?! Well, I don't know.
I've been mixed up with some seriously weird shit, but this this is definitely out there.
You don't tell Kelly I was involved.
Let's go resurrect my dead girlfriend.
Are you sure you want to do this? Do it.
(PANTS) What the fuck is going on? Hi.
The city breathing, the people churning The conversating The price is what? The conversating This place is heaven And if you see them Are you OK? Shannon? Sorry.
I made your favourite - lasagne.
Well, I say I made it I bought it and stuck it in the oven.
So how've you been? After you died the funeral and everything I was a mess.
I should've never have let you have the gear.
I could've stopped you.
You didn't force me to take it.
Yeah, well, I'm going to make it right.
We've got a second chance.
Are you OK? I'm tired.
I'm going to bed.
What about dinner? I'm not hungry.
I'm sorry.
It'll be OK.
I promise.
PHONE VIBRATES Are you all right? He's dead.
Mr Miggles.
A car hit him.
He's dead.
Do Do you want me to take a look at him? What are you going to do? I'm a vet.
You don't look like a vet.
You don't think black people can be vets? No, no, no, no.
What are you doing to him? Well Well, CPR, innit? You never watch those hospital shows on TV? Well, back up! Give me some space.
CAT MIAOWS Mr Miggles! Mr Miggles! Thank you.
I want to kiss you! Oh, no, no, you're all right.
Would you like a cup of tea? No.
I have to go.
What about cake? I've got a Victoria sponge.
Please! All right.
I'll take the cake.
You will promise to bring my cake tin back, won't you? Yeah, yeah.
I'll bring your cake tin back.
NICOLE SCHERZINGER: Poison I'll abuse it tonight Cos tonight got poison on my mind That power I got, you'll be mine when I strive Feel alive Got poison on my mind I got that poison, uh-huh I got that poison, uh-huh I got that poison Is this turning you on? No.
You should get her one of those costumes, mate.
One of those short little skirts.
I'm not dressing as a cheerleader.
All right, maybe I'll do it for your birthday.
Cheerleaders? Sweet! My sexy little dirty scream Yeah, it's on What's that? Victoria sponge.
Why have you got a Victoria sponge? I baked it.
You baked a cake? What, you didn't know that about me? I love to bake.
Fucking voicemail.
It's me.
I've left four messages.
What's going on? Where are you? Just give me a call, yeah? Morning, my lovelies.
Got poison on my mind I got that poison, uh-huh Jesus! I got that poison, that poison Fucking cheerleaders! How are you feeling? I'm sorry I was so weird last night.
You were brought back from the dead.
You're entitled to be a little bit freaked out.
It hasn't changed.
I still feel the same way about you.
HEARTBEAT RACES Are you OK? Yeah.
I won't be long.
Hello? Hello? Are you OK? HISSES HISSES CAT YOWLS YOWLING CONTINUES You're not going to believe this! Is there something up with your phone? I've left loads of messages.
I can't see you any more.
What?! I'm sorry.
You're dumping me? I have to.
It was a mistake I'm a mistake? Fuck you, you prick! No.
I didn't mean it like that.
Kelly, I really like you.
So, why are you dumping me? I found someone with the power to bring dead people back to life.
What are you talking about? I brought her back.
Shannon's alive.
I had to.
It was my fault she died.
How could you do that to me? I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, you did it.
And you can fuck off back to your dead girlfriend.
Just fuck off! Go! Fuck off.
What's all this about a cat? Curtis says he's trapped in the bathroom.
There's a crazy killer cat in there.
Oh, now, come on now.
Nobody told me we were getting tooled up.
Can we just go and kill this fucking cat? (RUDY) "Crazy killer cat" - it sounds like the sort of shit you'd use to lure someone into a surprise birthday party.
He's probably waiting in there with a load of his mates, some party poppers.
Maybe not.
Curtis! THUD What happened? It was her cat.
It was it was eating her face.
Well, it came after me.
It's gone psycho! It's in here somewhere.
Mr Miggles? Here, kitty, kitty.
He's under the sofa! (WHISPERS) The blanket.
That blanket.
MR MIGGLES YOWLS HISSES Now what are we gonna do with it?! We kill it.
I can't do it.
(RUDY) Aw.
Why should I do it? I'm not doing it! No way! It's bad luck to kill a cat.
Now, come on.
You can kill numerous probation workers you can't kill one cat? Probation workers don't count.
Well, then, it's your lucky day, because I hate cats.
All that fucking miaowing.
Here you are, man.
Right.
No, no, no, no.
I can't kill a cat, man.
It's just It's out of order, innit? Oh! What are you doing? We thought Mr Miggles killed you! He attacked me.
Yes, he has! He's eaten a bit of your face there.
Cornetto? No? (GROWLS) Oh, ooh! Get her off me, man! (ALISHA SCREAMS) Oh, Lord God! Huh? Oh, mate! Oh! (STRAINS TO MOVE) Urgh! What the fuck is going on?! Mr Miggles got hit by a car.
I brought him back to life.
It was you? You brought Shannon back, didn't you? It was the only way to get rid of my old power.
Otherwise I would've been a girl forever! I got dumped because of you.
Thanks a lot, mate.
It's like a zombie film.
Never watched one, mate.
I'm more of an ET man, me.
I fucking love that little cunt How do you mean, it's like a zombie film? Anyone who was brought back to life, it's like they need to feed.
It's infectious.
If you get bitten, you become one of them.
Hang on a minute.
He brought Shannon back from the dead.
Are you saying she's a zombie? Who's Shannon? Wait, Kelly! MR MIGGLES HISSES What are we gonna do with this frigging cat? HEARTBEAT THUMPS DOOR OPENS You OK? Just tired.
Have you seen Iggy? Shit.
Must've got out.
HEARTBEAT POUNDS KNOCK AT DOOR Where is she? Kelly, don't do this.
She's a fucking zombie! What?! What are you talking about? When you bring people back from the dead, they turn into a zombie.
We just had to kill some old woman - a cat ate her face.
Curtis brought her cat back from the dead.
It went zombie.
Who's she? I was his girlfriend until he dug you up.
Look, it's not like you think.
What's she talking about? It's nothing.
You're a zombie! I'm a what?! You have to kill her before she bites you.
Right, get out.
You've got to kill her! She's gonna bite She's a fucking zombie! You stay away from her! She's a zombie and she's going to kill you, Seth! Open the fucking door! (KELLY) Grrr! We only got together when I thought I couldn't bring you back.
Just stay away from me.
Shannon! CHEERY WHISTLING WHISTLING CONTINUES Ahh.
Ahh.
MR MIGGLES MIAOWS Whoa! Easy, tiger! For crying out loud.
WHISTLES Have you got any change for the vending machine? Just fuck off! No, no, no, no, no, don't touch me! Don't touch me! Fuck off! Fucking fuckers.
Are you OK? (EXHALES) I was 13.
I'd just come in from school, so I poured myself a nice, cold, nourishing glass of milk.
Head into the lounge to watch Blue Peter, good, wholesome family entertainment.
I open the door and I see my dad.
And he is just he's just fucking the hell out of my mum.
Faces all, like, contorted, like that.
Like a wild animal.
She was dressed like a cheerleader.
Little skirt pompoms, everything.
Is that it? Whoa! That image haunted me all the way through puberty.
I can't even sit down and have a relaxing wank without it popping into my head.
Every time I shut my eyes.
It scarred me.
It scarred me.
You know some people are scared of clowns? For me, it's cheerleaders.
No-one's scared of clowns.
It's called coulrophobia.
Yeah, well, so, imagine your dad is dressed as a clown and he's fucking your mum, like that.
Why would my dad be dressed as a clown? Well, I don't know what he gets up to in the privacy of his own home, sick pervert, do I? Fucking cheerleaders, man.
(SHUDDERS) Fuck.
It's the only way he'd take my power.
I couldn't have a baby.
How the fuck's that gonna work? I'm sorry, yeah? So, what happened when you went down there? He didn't believe me.
He's just acting like nothing's wrong.
What are you gonna do? I should let her eat the prick.
He thinks I'm saying it cos I'm jealous.
It's him I'm pissed off with.
I'm not some nasty, jealous little skank.
I hate that.
I'm gonna have to fucking kill her, aren't I? Do you want a hand with that? HEARTBEAT POUNDS DOORBELL CHIMES Hi.
I, er I live next door.
I was just dropping this back for Seth.
Er Seth's in the kitchen.
Come in.
HEARTBEAT POUNDS What are you doing? Get off me! Argh! (SCREAMS) GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS (SIGHS) What did you do to me? I'm sorry.
I couldn't help myself.
Oh, fuck! You bit me?! Oh, you crazy bitch! METALLIC CLANG What are you doing?! Well, it beats a fucking Cornetto, doesn't it? Shannon! We have to go.
What's going on? It's Kelly and her mates.
They're coming for you.
No! Don't.
You can't.
Shannon, they think you're a zombie.
They're coming to kill you.
We need to hide in your flat.
SCRAPING What?! You try carrying it up all them I can't feel my arms! Eh? What's going on? Shh.
SCRAPING DOORBELL CHIMES Smash it down.
A-ha! Now, who's the big man with the bloody great hammer? Eh? Is it you? Shouldn't be a Shouldn't be a problem.
So Jesus! Miss.
One more.
Hmm? What the fuck is going on out there? Some people are after Shannon.
CRASH THUD HEARTBEAT POUNDS Oh! Hang on, guys.
Oh, man.
Give me a minute! Fuck's sake.
Oi, it's harder than it looks.
It's hard, man, it's really hard.
We could try his office.
So, now I have to carry it back down to the car.
How is that fair? I carried it up here! HEARTBEAT POUNDS Sorry, man, there was nowhere else to go.
I owe you one.
SNAP Argh! It's like a hunger.
Ever since you brought me back.
I've tried to fight it.
At the start, I could control it, but it's too strong.
I need to feed.
Iggy! I had to.
It was the only way that I could stop myself from feeding on you.
This is my fault.
I did this to you.
You didn't know.
Right, I'll find someone with the power to fix this.
There's powers for everything.
And, until then, what do we do? If I don't feed, I won't be able to stop myself.
I'll kill you.
I'll go to a pet shop.
What are you going to get me? What do you mean? What are you going to get me to feed on? Dunno.
What do you want? Gerbil? Puppy might be better.
It's bigger.
Don't go out.
I won't be long.
CAT HISSES He wants blood.
Let's get him a mouse and let him chow down on that little fucker.
And then we'd have a zombie mouse as well.
This is just getting like a zombie Noah's ark! Right, let's pull straws.
And someone is going to kill this cat, cos I am sick of carrying it around now.
YOWLING (SIGHS HAPPILY) Will you just pick one?! All right.
Come on Get in! Fuck you, you fucking loser! It's not about the winning.
Is it? It's about the taking part.
Go on, kill the cat.
Go on.
That bad girl power I got I'll abuse it tonight Cos tonight, got poison on my mind Is Kelly here? Not yet.
You know, I think this new power you gave me has some pretty serious side effects.
How's it going with Shannon? So, it turns out she's a zombie.
She's killed my neighbour, my pet iguana.
She's killed your iguana? Drained him dry.
Shit! I need to ask you a favour.
I need you to kill Shannon.
I can't do it.
I can't kill her.
Mr Miggles escaped from his cage.
Shit! You keep someone in a cage? It's a cat.
A zombie cat.
CHATTERING HISSES We can't let Mr Miggles get out of the community centre.
Right, well, put yourself in his paws and find out where he is, yeah? SCREAMING I think we can probably guess where he is.
SCREAMING (GROWLS) What's happening? Well, let's just say it's not good.
It's not.
Oh, my God! Oh, come on.
Give up! Oh, come on, it's over! It's over, it's over.
Urgh! Fucking cheerleaders.
Morning! What the fuck is going on?! Mr Miggles got loose.
Might've infected one or two cheerleaders.
He infected all of them.
All of 'em.
What are you doing here? What you said about Shannon I know it's true.
Well, you should've fucking listened to me, then, shouldn't you? So, what are we going to do about the rest of them? We kill them all.
We smash their skulls to destroy their brains.
That's a lot of killing even for us.
If we don't, the infection will spread.
We'll end up the sole survivors, locked in a shopping centre.
That's what happens.
There's no middle ground? We can't just keep a low profile, let it all blow over? Oh.
Oh, for fuck's sake! CHEERLEADERS SCREAM Don't let any of them go! I'm just going to go and help batter some cheerleaders.
Happy days.
Sorry.
They bit me.
Call an ambulance! We're going to have to kill her.
I can't do it before she changes.
What are you saying? I need an ambulance! How long does it take? It seems to vary.
I need help! Give her a few more minutes.
We'll get you an ambulance.
Just just hold in there.
You'll be fine.
If you were planning on bringing her back from the dead, why did you get together with me? Was I just the shag until you dug her up? No! I thought it wasn't going to happen.
And then I met you, and everything changed.
Then I found the power, and I didn't know what to do.
When you was with me, did you think of her? No.
SCREAMING Still want me to dress up as a cheerleader for your birthday? No.
Can we just find the other two, yeah? BOTH GROWL Oh, fucking cheerleaders! Urgh, urgh! Oh, that's enough! Ohhh! Have you have you finished? Nice! Eh? You got 'em.
Yes! Yes.
It's not really an 'igh-five moment, is it? It's not.
I screwed up, all right? I know I hurt you.
I'm sorry.
There you are.
Nice one.
You got one.
We got another three! You didn't do fuck all! You hid in the fucking kitchen.
So, how many does that leave? Just one.
Who are you? I'm the new probation worker.
GROWLING SCREAMING Oh, shit! Jesus! She bit me! She's been bitten? We're going to have to kill her when she changes.
So, even when we don't kill our probation worker, we have to kill our probation worker.
Oh, come on, someone's definitely fucking with us here! We should really do something about all these bodies.
So, who's going to kill the probation worker? I'll go and get the straws.
Get a decent-sized boot on these BMWs, don't you? I'll go and get the shovels.
He was mine.
And you took him from me! I didn't take him from no-one.
You were dead! He doesn't want me any more, and it's all because of you.
Look, I didn't go out to steal your boyfriend.
Other than you being a zombie, I haven't got a problem with you.
When you're like me, he won't want you either! Get away from her! What are you going to do? Are you going to kill me again?! I love you! And I loved you.
But after I brought you back, it was different.
I'd changed.
I love someone else.
You bastard.
I'm sorry.
(SCREAMS) Did you mean what you just said to her? Yeah.
Good, cos I fucking love you too.
Just don't ever do anything like that again.
I won't.
We just want you to know that, um this isn't our fault.
We're in the wrong place at the wrong time.
A lot.
We're really not bad kids.
Yeah.
In tribute to all things petite Pretty and sweet The lonely doll This verse I offer and greet In desire to replete The lonely doll We did it.
We stopped the zombies infecting everyone.
I can't believe we didn't screw that up! Are you actually saying we saved the world? We saved the world.
That is proper superhero shit.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it is! Eh? And I think I'm over my old cheerleader phobia, you know? That brutal killing's been really cathartic.
In fact, if we hadn't killed 'em all, I think I could've brought myself to fuck one of 'em.
Which is nice, so What happened to Mr Miggles? Oh, shit! I'm getting a message from the spirit world.
It's for you She's crying.
She wants to know why why you did it.
You're supposed to be dead.
I think I've come back for you.
What is it? I'd never do anything to hurt you.
Why do they come back? Usually it's cos they've got some unfinished business with the living.
What is this? Isn't that the girl who brainwashed us? Would you like to see my penis? It's the probation worker.
He's come back from the dead! He's just chased me! I'm going to need to get some new powers.