Misfits Episode Scripts

Series 4, Episode 2

Who are you? We're here for our community service.
I have x-ray vision.
I'm your new probation worker.
You cross me, and I will fuck you like you have never been fucked before.
Sadie? I'm home.
How was your day? I love you.
I love you so much.
I don't want to keep you like this any longer than I have to.
I'm doing it for us.
Imagine you were a heroin addict.
People tie them up and keep them captive all the time.
Think of it as going cold turkey.
I mean, what you have is a disease.
And I'm going to find a cure and when I do, we'll look back on this and laugh.
Make love to me.
Really? Won't that be a bit weird? OK.
Why not? I have thought about it.
We both have needs.
This is good for us.
I'm nervous.
Why am I nervous? What are you doing? Sadie, don't do this! Oh, no How could you do that? Let me go! I am trying really hard to make this relationship work.
I'm too angry to talk to you.
Do you need the toilet before I go? So the angry, beardy man from the council, he's all like "When are you "going to pay your rent?" I was all, "I ain't going to.
What are you going to do about it?" Well, quite a bit, as it goes, cos they've kicked me out of my flat and they've repossessed it.
So where do you sleep? Oh, so I ended up wandering the street like the Littlest Hobo, get talking to this girl, turn on the old Rudy magic, end up going back to hers.
When I say hers, have you ever shagged an homeless girl? No.
It's like camping.
Honestly, it reminded me of being a boy scout, looking up at the night sky, all the twinkling stars there.
Well, she Oh, she sat on my face.
Where am I going with this? Can I stay at yours for an indefinite period of time, rent free, please.
No.
I'm very tempted.
Um I guess my question is Would we get to have regular sex? That could certainly be arranged.
Get off, you're being sarcastic.
You're very hard to read.
You can't have me wandering the streets, man.
You know what happened to the Littlest Hobo? He got raped.
I'm making that up, he didn't get raped.
It was a kids' show, can you imagine their little faces?! "Don't rape the Littlest Hobo, he's only got a tiny sphinc" Woah, what time do you call this? I I had to take my dog to the vet.
Did you? Did you now? Sounds like bullshit, and I hate liars.
Oh, dude, I'm joking.
Who gives a fuck? Jesus Christ.
What's that on your neck? Nothing.
It's all scratched.
It's a scratch, people get scratched all the time.
It happens.
What have you been doing? Nothing.
Maybe he was trying to hang himself.
Why would I try and hang myself? Because you are short.
Don't do it.
This is a sculpting class for the blind.
And you, God help them, will be their models.
Prepare to remember this moment for the rest of your life.
That zip goes down one more inch and me and you are going to go toe-to-toe.
Denied.
Gutted.
They might not be able to see you but I can.
I can see into your souls.
Hi.
Is everything all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's all good.
So, you're going to be sculpting me? If that's all right with you? I'm Ally.
Curtis.
It's my first time doing anything like this.
I think I'm supposed to feel your face.
Go for it.
You've got lovely skin.
You are bang out of order, mate.
Yeah? And how's that? Because you're exploiting her disabilities and you're playing your sick little mind games, trying to get your stinking little fingers into her lovely, creamy knickers.
There ain't no law against shagging beautiful blind girls.
There is, there is a law! Dude, there's a law, it's called Rudy's Law.
You know what it says? No.
It says Now, now, now, look.
Settle it like gentlemen.
And how's that? A game of Penis Scissors Twat.
Is that like Paper Scissors Stone? They stole that from me.
The question is are you a man or are you a vagina? Well, I think we have our answer there.
You, sir, are a vagina.
Can you please stop saying vagina? What do you call yours? Forget I asked.
All right, let's do this.
Best out of three.
One, two, three.
That's the vagina, swallowing your scissors.
Come on, again, again.
One, two All right.
All right.
One, two Who's he? Alex, he just started working here.
Come on.
One, two He is fucking gorgeous.
Woah! Please! A find your objectification of men more than a little offensive.
And secondly, I thought we really had a bit of a will-they-won't-they, yeah-they-probably-will sort of thing going on.
Are you actually mentally ill? I could be.
Is that your thing? You need help.
I need a piss.
Definitely.
Look who it is! Dude! Sethlington! All right.
I need to come by the community centre tomorrow for Kelly's things.
Come after five, the work should be done by then.
Nice one.
Some guy was in here looking for you.
Said he had a power to sell.
I'm retired.
What's he like? Mad, mad Catch you later, G What's that about a guy with powers to sell? Seth used to deal powers on the estate.
.
What do you mean, deal powers? Dealing, giving and taking them for money.
You can take over people's powers? He took mine, twice.
A fucking mistake both times.
I've just remembered, I need to go home.
To let the dog out.
Fuck, man! Dude, that is a euphemism if ever I heard one! Let your dog out, let it off the leash, grr! See you tomorrow.
Dirty bastard, off home for To be continued.
Whatever.
There's this dealer guy, Seth.
He can take people's powers.
He's the cure.
It's all going to be OK.
We're going to be OK.
Evening.
What are you doing here? In the neighbourhood.
How do you know where I live? Instinct.
That was a lie, that.
Here's the thing, I followed you home.
I figured that if I just turn up on your doorstep, you'd have absolutely no choice but to let me stay, so Psychology, it's clever.
You can't stay here.
You don't mean that.
I do, you can't stay.
I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that.
Invite me in, you prick.
You're not invited.
I'm inviting me.
I'm uninviting you.
I'm reinviting me.
Get off.
Get off me.
You're on me! Thank you.
Invitation accepted.
Is that mine now, with all the bolts and padlocks on it? No.
That's, er It's that one down there.
Get on, then.
You can't keep me tied up forever.
I'll let you go as soon as we get it sorted.
When will that be? Soon.
Really soon, I promise.
Morning.
I thought you were asleep.
Yeah, well The early bird catches the worm.
I like to shit in a bucket.
Well, that's strange.
It's my flat.
I can shit where I like.
I should probably flush it, it's a bit of a stinky one.
He shits in a bucket? Well, more to the point, what if it isn't his shit? Whose shit was it? Right, well, he's got this door he keeps locked.
I keep hearing all this talking through it.
Where the fuck's this dog he keeps going on about? I just think he's got some sort of We need to change things up.
Ally's asked for a different model.
What? Why would she want a different model? Are you questioning me? You don't get to question me because as far as you're concerned, I am God.
And you know what happens when you fuck with God.
There is an almighty shitstorm.
Now swap with this bellend, if you think you can manage it.
Want to know why she wanted to swap? Because even though she's blind, she can still see my inner beauty.
Hello.
Hi.
It's Curtis.
From yesterday.
Why did you ask to change models? I don't have to explain myself to you.
Did I do something to offend you? It's obvious you've got some problem with me, so why don't you tell me what it is? I think that people like you and people like me should stick to our own kind.
You're racist? That's your word.
You can call it that if you want.
I call it that because that's what it is.
She's a racist.
What? No.
Ally.
No.
Lovely blind Ally with her shiny hair, she smells of roses.
No.
She asked to change models cos I'm black.
She's a racist.
She's blind.
I think that cancels it out, does it not cancel it? There is no cancelling out.
What about Stevie Wonder? What's your point? Blind and black, you idiot.
Ebony and ivory.
Why can't we all just stick together? In perfect harmony! With Paul McCartney, who was a vegan.
He weren't a racist.
I've no fucking idea what you're talking about.
Stevie Wonder.
Old wobbly head, that's my way in.
To what? To curing her of her terrible racism.
Is it all right if I go home to let my dog out? What's it worth? You want me to pay you? Well, you're asking me to risk my job, my pension, my reputation, so, what's it worth, dipshit? About £2.
86? Fuck off.
Does that mean I can go and feed me dog? No.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I believe I am, yeah.
He is keeping a talking dog prisoner.
Hi.
I was just How are you? I'm all right, just getting Kelly's things.
Here's a purely theoretical, hypothetical question.
But say there was someone I needed you to take a power from.
How would that work? It wouldn't.
I'm retired.
Retired? But you're so young and handsome.
So much more to give.
Are you coming on to me? No.
What's going on? I think he's asking me to take someone's power.
Asking you to take someone's power? That's hilarious.
Right, I know what is going on at home.
What do you mean? Your home? Stop lying! It's wrote all over your monkeyish little face.
There, there! There! I know it looks bad, keeping someone a prisoner like that, tying them up and making them shit in a bucket, but it's not what you think.
She's my girlfriend.
Girlfriend, girlfriend? I didn't see that coming.
She's got a power.
She can make me into a perfect boyfriend.
Whatever she said, whatever she told me to do, I did it.
I stopped drinking, I stopped going out with my mates.
All I cared about was making her happy, endless presents and flowers and pampering, the conversations.
We had to discuss everything.
My jaw physically ached from all the talking.
That and the hours of cunnilingus.
I practically lived with my face between her thighs.
Some days I felt like I didn't see the sun.
Oh, man, that is just There's no man that could live like that.
A few weeks ago, she went to Ibiza with her friends, leaving me to deep clean the flat.
With her being away, her hold over me faded.
I realised what she was doing and I did the only thing I could do.
I tied her up and gagged her.
To stop her using her power on me.
Why didn't you just leave her? Because I love her! You can't just tie people up and keep them prisoner.
It's weird and it's just fucking creepy.
I was only doing it till I found a cure.
Then we could be together again.
It's going to be like it was.
You don't think she's going to be a tiny bit angry with you? Maybe, at first, but what was I supposed to do? Just give up on her? It's easy to walk away, isn't it? I won't do that.
We'll get through this, so you can fuck off judging me! You think this is easy, you think I'd do this if I didn't love her? Come round, wipe her arse, see how much fun that is.
You have no idea.
So fuck yous all.
It's You should probably know that the other me, he's gone round your flat and he's breaking into the room where you've got your girlfriend all tied up.
You know, I thought it was a talking dog, me, haha! Hello? Help, I'm in here.
Are you a talking dog? We all die alone.
No, no.
You sick psycho! It wasn't a talking dog.
Dude, it was his girlfriend.
He's had her tied up.
You've had her pooing in a bucket! Yes, and with very good reason.
She has been abusing him, she's been pussy whipping the hell out of him, man.
What? Where is she? She was having trouble walking.
Her legs weren't working properly, they've gone all wobbly, you've had her tied down for so long.
I rang her a taxi and Well, she's gone, man.
I'll go and stick the kettle on.
It's over.
She's never coming back.
I've lost her.
I was so fucking stupid and now she's gone.
I don't know what to do.
Hmm? Oh, come on! Look on the bright side.
In the not too distant future, I'm pretty sure I am going to be having sex with a beautiful blind girl.
Oh! Shut up.
In the words of the great Lionel Richie hello! You're a friend of Curtis, right? I know him from Community Service.
You're on Community Service? Seriously? You don't look like the type.
What type do I look like? Like a nice, normal girl.
Looks can be deceiving.
I've heard that.
So, er, what did you do? I sexually assaulted a hot barman.
That's six quid.
Erm, that was a joke.
Obviously not a very good one.
I never sexually assaulted anyone.
Right.
Don't take it personally.
I see all these girls coming on to him.
I wasn't coming on to him.
What's your point? He knocks them all back.
I think he might be gay.
Oh! Oh! It's a tragedy you've never seen them! Fuck me! I will fuck you, in the words of Lionel Richie, "All night long.
" All night.
Have you got a condom? Of course, of course I've got a condom! Of course I have, yeah.
Because I always say, better to be safe, than contract HIV.
Just a second.
Just going to get this out the packet.
Get the old fella ready.
Getting ready to play, that's all.
There we go.
Ribbed for your pleasure.
No, no, no.
It doesn't feel right.
It doesn't.
What is all this about you being a racist? Oh it's just how I feel.
But what about Stevie Wonder? What about him? Bloody blind and black! Ebony and ivory and I'm not going to change my beliefs for a shag.
All right.
Well, that's a shame, because I will not leave my cock in a racist vagina.
Yeah, I'm a man of principle, love.
Are you using Clingfilm from a bowl of dog food as a condom? No, I am not using Clingfilm from a bowl of dog food as a condom! Who do you think I am?! Honestly, I'm offended.
That was one of the rubber bands that you used to fasten it on with! You sick bastard! How did you know about that Clingfilm? Barney told me.
He was in that storm.
He can communicate with me telepathically.
You sneaky little bastard! Get out you prick! I'm going, I'm going, I'm gone.
We've been together since we were 16.
She was 15.
Technically, that makes it statutory rape, so that's nice.
She's the only girl I've ever been with.
I don't know how to be with other girls.
I only know how to be with her.
You know the worst thing? I really miss her.
Why do you want to be with someone who wants to change you? If the only way you two can make it work is either her using her power on you, or you keeping her tied up and making her shit in a bucket, you're probably not meant for each other.
That's not true.
We're just going through a rough patch.
She is going to feed you your balls.
Oh, Jesus.
I can't go home.
You can stay at mine if you like.
Just as long as you promise not to tie me up and make me shit in a bucket.
OK.
Thanks.
No buckets.
Come on, then.
Oh, hello! Me yolks! That's a tragedy! Where's Finn? You stay away from him! Do you hear me? Uncle Rudy knows all about you! If I had it my way, I would have left you tied to that bed, shitting in a bucket.
One sec.
Up you come, my beauties.
Good as new.
What are you doing in my flat?! I am staying here, for an indefinite period, rent free! How do? Have a guess where I spent last night? Oh! Did you get a photo of her little furry friend while she was sleeping? What? No! Nothing happened.
Well, I say nothing.
I did get a little flash of nipple when she was wearing her pyjamas.
Which got me thinking, about other girls, moving on.
A little flash of nipple.
Maybe that's all it takes.
Which is actually really pathetic.
Nipples.
Little pink devils.
What's going on? Your girlfriend's kicked me out the flat.
She's got quite the temper on her, hasn't she? Sadie? She's at the flat? Yep.
She is not a happy bunny.
When you're done creeping around, I'm in the lounge.
Aren't you going to shout at me? I assumed there'd be shouting.
I'm tired of shouting at you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy in all this.
You you were controlling me.
Yeah, I was making you tidy up after yourself.
I made you thoughtful and kind and considerate.
I made you buy me presents on my birthday.
I am such a bitch! You couldn't just nag me, and go on and on and on about stuff, like a normal girlfriend? You never listened.
I only used my power on you because I had to! I'm a man! I've got testicles and free will! I'm sorry if that offends you! The free will to piss in plant pots? I only did that once, I was drunk! I only did that three times.
How d'you even know about that? I know about everything.
Just go.
It's my flat.
Your flat? I found it! I paid the deposit and the rent.
I decorated it and cleaned it.
I found all the furniture.
I made it into our home.
What did you do?! Provided the humour? Yeah, well, no-one's laughing any more.
If that's how you feel, I'll pack me stuff and I'll move out.
I'm moving out.
This is me going.
I'm walking out to pack me stuff.
And I'm moving out.
Going.
Going.
Are we breaking up? Are you breaking up with me? I can't do this any more.
Don't! Don't! Please! Don't break up with me! I'm sorry.
Have you got everything? I think so.
There were a few things I didn't know whether you wanted them.
Probably not the bucket.
I'll sort them out.
I love you.
I don't want to go.
Give me another chance.
Please.
Finn, I can't.
You don't need to use your power on me.
I can change.
I'll be better.
I'll do better.
Anything you want.
I'll do it for you.
I don't know what I'd do without you.
I'll change.
I promise.
I love you.
I need a piss.
Are you wiping your dick on my top? It probably needed washing anyway, didn't it? It's not funny.
Lionel Richie wouldn't like that.
So why does she think you're a cunt, apart from the obvious? We had a minor disagreement regarding contraceptive methods and I don't want to have to go into it.
Here, here's the thing, you know her guide dog? That little bastard is telepathic! The storm, innit, it's always the fucking storm.
It must have been the guide dog who told her I was black.
A racist, telepathic guide dog.
There's a thing.
I know we're supposed to be cool and cynical, but it's pretty amazing that they can do that.
Maybe a bit too amazing.
I reckon some of them are faking it, you know.
Why would anyone fake being blind? For the parking.
That's one, think about it.
Did you get the flowers? Because I wanted to.
All right, call me back when you've put them in some water.
Right, I love you.
Bye.
Bye, bye.
Who was that? Was that Sadie? We had a big talk.
We talked for hours.
It's great to really get to understand how she's feeling, you know, how my behaviour was impacting on her.
I was such an arsehole.
She used her power on you, didn't she? You're letting her do it.
I want to be with her.
I love her.
This is the price I have to pay.
I'm a better man for it.
This isn't you.
This isn't who you are.
I have to take this.
Hey.
What d'you want for tea? I can get something on the way home.
When's your flight? Tomorrow morning.
Kelly's texting me every five minutes.
She's worried I'm going to forget her Pot Noodles.
Oh, man, we're giving Africa Pot Noodles and Kelly.
That's a beautiful meeting of two minds and cultures.
It's like Live Aid.
Actually, dude, when you're out there, you should pretend to be Bob Geldof, innit? Why? Why? Why would anyone pretend to be Bob Geldof? For the pussy.
It's all about the pussy.
That was unfortunate timing, weren't it? D'you want a drink? A beer, please.
Where's Finn? Is he not coming? He's not allowed out any more.
It's his girlfriend.
She's got this power.
She is just pussy-whipping the hell out of him, actually.
She's got him by the balls.
And she's squeezing, dude, Seth, she's squeezing.
And she is squeezing, she's squeezing some more, look.
I'm retired.
God, honestly, man! Right, all right, let me put it like this.
What would Bob Geldof do? Take her power.
No! You stay away from her.
Get the fuck out of my flat! Do it! What are you doing? Fuck off! Don't touch her.
Ow! Jesus! Shut up! Just do it.
No! So I guess I'm all done.
Thanks.
If you ever find yourself in Uganda, come and say hello.
Sadie? Are you OK? We were happy.
It was bullshit and you know it.
Just stop lying to yourselves.
I'm sorry.
You can't say we didn't try.
So who gets the flat? So where are you going to live? Well, we have found a spacious, rent-free home with a panoramic view of a lake.
You mean you're moving into the Community Centre.
There's no flies on you, is there? Clever.
We're going to be flatmates.
Hmm? Hmm? You two should move in wi' us.
Imagine all of us living under the same roof like one big, happy family.
Like the Waltons.
I see that happening, you fucking prick.
That's a shame, and that's why you'll never be in the Waltons.
I fucking love the Waltons, man.
It's just, it's good, wholesome, family entertainment.
I tell you, the cunts don't make telly like that any more.
Who are you? I'm here for Weight Watchers.
Seriously? No.
I'm Lola.
Curtis.
So if you're not here for Weight Watchers, why are you here? I'm a trainee probation worker.
You? You're a trainee probation worker? Is that going to be a problem for you? I'll manage.
Good.
It's nice to meet you, Curtis.
Oh, mate, that's excellent.
Look at fresh meat.
Look at the size of them.
Every woman you see, they're just a hole into which you can potentially insert your penis.
Three! There's three bloody holes into which I could potentially insert me penis.
How do we even belong to the same species? As one wise twat once said, men are from Mars, and women love penis.
It's "from Venus".
Cha! Spot the lesbian.
I like watching other people work.
Now scrub the fucking wall.
Is this some kind of power trip? You could come over later and watch a DVD.
Cos you want to get in my knickers, right? I'll settle for a kiss.
When was the last time you got laid? Fuck off.
You act all tough and sassy.
I see right through you.
What's happened to you? There's three of me.
There's the two you've met and then there's me.
I'm a whole different person.
You're a fucking psychopath.
We'll leave town.
We'll do whatever you want.