Misfits Episode Scripts

Series 4, Episode 4

My flat's been broken into.
I have to go.
All these girls come onto him.
He knocks them all back.
Come over and watch a DVD.
It's cos you want to get in my knickers, right? I'll settle for a kiss.
I've got another power.
A power to bring people back from the dead.
It's like a zombie film.
I'm Lola.
I'm a trainee probation worker.
You don't act like one.
Maybe I only want to be a probation worker so I can meet bad boys.
I love you.
What's that? I said I love you.
What is it? I need some fresh air.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
Get some drinks.
Same again? Curtis? Where did you go? What happened to you? Where have you been? What do you want, Jake? I can't stop thinking about that guy.
I never asked you to kill him.
I did it for you.
I, I was trying to protect you.
And for a while you got to fuck me.
I thought you understood the arrangement.
An arrangement? Why are you being like this? I love you.
Go home, Jake.
You're not walking away from this.
If I go down, I'll take you with me.
I'll tell them everything.
Are you threatening me? You used me.
You bitch.
You fucking bitch! You want to hurt me? Do it.
You wouldn't be the first.
Fuck you.
Lola? Jesus.
What happened? He attacked me.
Lola? Are you OK? You want to tell me who he is? He's my ex.
We used to see each other.
He's obsessed with me.
Every time I try and leave him, he finds me.
He doesn't own you.
He says if I don't go back to him he says he's going to kill me.
You have to go to the police, report him.
I went to the police before.
They didn't do anything.
They just made it worse.
I'm so fucking scared.
Shhh.
Shhh.
I won't let him hurt you.
I'm not going to let that happen.
Finn! Finn! Finley! What? What? What is it? What's happening? Have you got any jelly? Have I got any jelly? Yeah.
What for? What do you need jelly for? Well I would've thought that was pretty friggin' obvious.
Check that out.
Hi.
Are you gonna? Yeah.
Repeatedly, have you got any jelly or not? No.
Shit, that's a shame.
Right, well I'll see you, on the flip side.
See ya up top.
Come on? There's no jelly, love.
Oh, my giddy I'm having a stroke.
I'm having it, I'm having it.
Cos I've died and gone to frigging heaven.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? It's my cock.
How would you like it if I was bringing girls back and shagging them in front of you? I'd fucking love it.
And what about her? I'm sure she doesn't want me there.
Eh, she's into all that er, dogging.
I used to think you had to own a dog to take part in that shit.
I made up this elaborate story this one time, listen to this.
About a cooker spaniel by the name of Bobby, got crippling arthritis in his back legs, had to have the bastards removed, replaced with a set of wheels.
He was, he was loyal, he was faithful and he got me more minge than you could shake a stick at.
I bloody miss that dog, you know.
You're remembering he he didn't actually exist? Yeah, I know, but certain slightly larger ladies that gather in certain designated lay-bys and picnic areas.
They did not know that.
We need a system, for when we bring girls back.
Are you planning on doing that? Dude, I just assumed your cock had withered and shrivelled like a tiny raisin in the hot Californian sun? There's no withering, or shrivelling.
I prefer to think of him as a tiger.
Really? Well he hasn't have fed for a while, but he is poised, ready to pounce.
I just need to find an angle.
Right, here's your angle, borrow Bobby.
You're offering to lend me your imaginary dog? Yes, I bloody well am.
If you were any kind of man at all you'd be over there telling her an heart-breaking story about a little dog with arthritis.
You OK? What? Wait, wait, talk slower.
Where are you? No, just stay there.
What is it? It came in the post.
He knows where I work.
I have to go away for a while.
Where are you going to go? I don't know.
Somewhere away from here, anywhere he can't find me.
What about us? If I stay, he'll hurt me.
I have to go.
You don't have to.
I'll talk to him.
I'll go and see him.
I'll tell him you're with me now.
You think he's going to listen to you? I'll make him listen.
No, no, no.
You don't know what he's like.
This one time we were in a bar.
He thought this guy was looking at me.
He nearly beat him to death.
If you go round there, he'll kill you.
I ain't going to lose you cos of this prick.
Where does he live? I bought it for protection.
I ain't going round with no gun.
If he hurt you I'd never forgive myself.
Take it.
Please.
I don't want you to get hurt.
He'll lie.
He'll try and turn you against me.
Whatever he says to you you can't trust him.
Sorry, I'm Sorry? I was just Sorry.
I'm not much company.
What's going on? Me nan's dog.
Bobby.
He had his back legs amputated yesterday.
Seriously? Yeah, they just chopped them off, replaced them with a set of wheels.
Do you want to go for a drink at the bar later? I'm not going to the bar.
I don't want to see Alex, the barman guy.
Right.
Good.
What a wanker.
Maybe a bit harsh.
I really need someone to talk to about little Bobby.
I'm not being funny but I'm probably not the best person to talk to about dogs.
I hate them, shitting all over the place and I hate the shitting.
Fuckin' shitting little Bobby with his squeaky little wheels just They should just put him down.
Can't you just oil the wheels to stop them from squeaking? Well that would be the humane thing to do.
Take whatever you want.
I ain't here to rob you.
I'm here cos of Lola.
You don't go anywhere near her.
You don't call her.
You don't send her no photos.
If she even sees you.
You even think about hurting her, I'll fucking kill you.
You hearing me? I'd never hurt her.
I saw what you did to her.
You're a big man, beating up women.
I didn't touch her.
I wouldn't do that.
Don't lie to me! I wouldn't hurt her! I love her! Whatever she told you about me, she's lying.
She's using you.
What happened? Are you hurt? It isn't my blood.
Curtis, what happened? We got into a fight.
He's dead.
What did he say to you? He said you were using me.
And do you believe him? I don't know what to believe.
I killed him.
He's fucking dead.
He would have killed both of us.
You did what you had to do.
He can't hurt me anymore.
Lola? It's me.
Where are you? I'm worried about you.
Call me, yeah? Who is it? No-one.
I'm looking for Lola.
Is she coming in today? I really wouldn't know.
Do you know where she is? No.
And shall I tell you why I don't know where she is? Because I've no fucking idea who you're talking about.
Lola.
The trainee probation worker.
There is no trainee probation worker.
Are you on crack? What?! Have you been hitting the pipe? I ain't on no crack.
So what the fuck are you talking about? Nothing.
Forget it.
Fucking crack head.
I can't be walking in on you with some girl sitting on your face.
Shit, man.
Did you know they ejaculate? Honestly, mate, the bloody female genitalia, it's like a It's like a mystery, wrapped in an hairy conundrum.
This stops now.
Honestly, mate, do not get that shit in your eye.
It stings like a proper bastard.
Quick question.
Uh-huh.
So, you're sitting on a bloke's face Hmm? Would you be offended if he insisted on wearing the safety goggles? Why would he be wearing safety goggles? Is he a scientist? He's been shagging a squirter.
Ejaculate.
What about it? Avoid the eyes.
Has any of you seen Lola? The trainee probation worker.
Do we have a trainee probation worker? Nobody tells me anything.
I'm outside the loop.
Shush.
Listen, if she's cute Dude, I saw her first, so legally, that is first dibs.
You don't even know who I'm talking about.
Yeah, I do.
I don't.
Don't have a fucking clue.
Sorry, man.
The other day, you You saw me with her in the bar.
I saw you with some girl.
I've never seen her before.
She works here.
Does she? I didn't even know we had a trainee probation worker.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Forget it.
I think Curtis is in trouble.
Curtis! Curtis, mate, we know you're in there.
We followed you.
Open this door or I am going to huff and puff and kick the frigging door down.
CCurtis! Curtis Donovan! Open this bloody door immediately.
Shut the fuck up and stop shouting my name.
Why? What are you ashamed of your name for? There's far worse names.
There's a kid at my school called Richard Cheese.
Dick Cheese, innit? Cos his name's Richard Richard Dick Dick Cheese.
So, what's occurring? I'm sure there's a very funny story behind this.
And I don't mean I don't mean funny like ha-ha-ha funny, I mean In your own time, please, mate.
I killed him.
Shit.
That's why you didn't want me one shouting your name.
Consider me up to speed.
Sorry, dude.
I wake up this morning, Lola's gone.
I talk to all you and the probation worker.
None of you even know who she is.
This guy's the only other person who knows anything about her.
You're going to bring him back to life, aren't you? No! I do not like that, man.
He'll go all zombie on us.
You know what happened last time, pal.
What happened last time? We had to kill a shit load of cheerleaders.
And a cat! I feel so bad about the cat still.
I'll ask him a few questions and then It's the only way I can find out who she is.
All right.
Gentlemen, would you like to join me in the kitchen, please? What's going on? It's just man talk.
We shall keep you but a moment, sweetheart.
Gentlemen, shall we, please? Such a twat.
What do you want? Right.
What's your thoughts on letting the little fella do the clubbing? "The little fella"? He's just getting nowhere with Mary Poppins there.
I just think if she sees him clubbing some dude to death, maybe she won't think that he's such a complete pussy.
Look at him.
It's pathetic.
Help him out.
Come on.
You're sure you're up to this? You think I can't club a zombie to death? You know the little thing at the fun fair with the little furry creatures that pop out of the holes and you have to pop, pop, pop, pop? Hmm? Well, I'm a machine.
Shall we? We shall.
Mmmm.
You do know you have to destroy the brain, right? Of course I know.
Er, I'm not being funny, but is he doing the clubbing? Yes.
I'm doing the clubbing.
Is that a problem? You know the chipmunks at the fair? He's a machine.
Don't worry about it.
Ready? Ready when you are.
You You shot me.
You died.
I I brought you back to life.
What the fuck? Will somebody tell me what the fuck is going on? I didn't mean to kill you.
It all got fucked up.
I need to talk to you about Lola.
You resurrected me? Seriously?! Yeah, he's got a power, hasn't he? It's the storm, mate.
It's always the storm.
I need you to tell me about Lola.
Tell me! We started seeing each other.
She was in debt with some loan shark.
He beat her up.
He really hurt her.
I lost it.
I stabbed him.
I didn't mean to kill him.
And then she disappeared.
She was using me.
Do you know where she lives? Where does she live? She had a flat in High Hill.
What number? Do you hear that? What is that? What number flat is it? Can you hear that? I feel really weird.
I know you do, mate.
And here's the kicker.
You're a zombie.
What's going on? Nothing.
A zombie, huh? Now there's something that doesn't happen every day.
What do you mean, I'm a zombie? No, don't sweat it.
We're going to fix that for you.
Will somebody tell me, what the fuck is going on?! Dickhead, where's the fucking light? Ow! That's me! Sorry, sorry.
I thought it was him! Where is he? He's on me! Fucking get him off me! Where are you? Get the lights! I can't see the fucking lights! I'm all right.
I'm all right, Everyone just shut up.
Just calm the fuck down.
Everyone just shut up.
Did we get him? Where the fuck's he gone? Oh, well done, mate.
Brilliant, eh? Woah.
Woah.
All right! Bloody hell.
Boy done good Eh? Get in there.
Get on one of them.
Spring bet.
All things considering, I just think that went really well.
Didn't it, eh? Are we going for a beer or what? I have to go.
Are you going round there now? Do you want us to come with you? No, you're all right.
No problem.
Anytime.
Just happy to help.
What about you two? Do you want to come for a beer? He's paying.
I'm going home for a shower.
Hmmm.
Two people both in need of a shower.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I doubt it because we're not really You weren't thinking soapy tit wank? Come on! No.
Yeah.
No.
I find that very strange.
I'm going now.
You were thinking that.
She was.
You prick.
Dude, I'm sorry.
Dude.
Mmm, that is good toast.
It's all about the butter distribution.
I hate these tossers who just stick a big lump of butter in the middle.
What do they think the knife's for? Spread it.
You need to get it right to the edges.
Morning, my lovelies! Oh.
Shit, is that - that's not marmalade, is it? What? It's just that yesterday afternoon, tea-time I might have stuck my cock in that.
The things we do for love.
Eh? I tell you what.
I feel sick.
I'm sure we'll laugh about this one day.
No, she's gone.
She's gone, dude.
Hey, listen, Emma the dogger, right, she says to me, "I fancy something sweet.
" All right, so I said "I just put my cock in Finn's marmalade and you can suck on that.
" Yes, very good, mate.
Yes! It's like you're psychic! I am never, ever playing you at Battleships.
Thank you very much.
Jess loved my toast.
My even butter distribution.
And now it will forever be associated with the taste of your cock.
You've You've completely fucked it.
I hate to break it to you but the way to a girl's heart is not through toast.
It's through inserting your penis into her vagina, mate.
Fuckin' toast.
Dude, honestly, I'm embarrassed for you, moron.
That's it.
T-T-That's it.
You're gonna have to find somewhere else to live.
Wait.
What, so are you breaking up with me, or something? I can't live like this.
Mate, don't do this.
This It reminds me of when my dad's parrot Bernie called my mum a cunt, one year.
And they fell out big time, big row.
And they cancelled Christmas and everything.
I wet my bed for a year, pal.
We want different things.
I just thought we had something special going on.
We can still be friends.
No, we can't still be friends! Because you've made a fool of me, pal! You know, I don't want to live with you either.
No, I don't! I'm gonna find me own place to live, it's gonna be like Christmas every day.
Jerk! Shit! My mum died when I was 15.
My dad went to pieces.
He took it out on me.
When I couldn't take the beatings any more, I ran away.
I met this guy, Jimmy.
I thought he loved me.
Then he started pimping me out.
If I said no, he'd hurt me.
I didn't have anywhere else to go.
Then something inside me snapped.
I seduced this dealer.
I got him to cut Jimmy's smack with rat poison.
I sat there and I watched Jimmy die.
I decided I was never going to be a victim ever again.
I would use men like they used me.
Fuck them, tell them you love them, they'll do anything for you.
They are so fucking pathetic.
And cut.
Debbie, that was great.
You really got inside the head of the character.
Take the DVD home with you.
Watch yourself.
You've got to really want to be Lola.
OK.
I'll try.
Hello, Curtis.
I saw the DVD.
You're an actress.
What are you talking about? All this.
Who you are.
It's an act.
It was the storm.
You stayed in character.
This isn't This isn't you.
You think you know me - you don't know anything.
It's on here.
"Lola".
That's your character's name.
Are you trying to blackmail me? No.
I didn't kill Jake.
You did.
Maybe I should go to the police.
I could tell them what you did.
You're not listening to me! I'm trying to help you! You killed a man, Curtis.
Can you live with that? You don't understand what you did to me.
I used you.
Deal with it.
I'll fucking kill you.
Get away from me! Curtis.
He found me.
What did he do to you? Show me.
I'm gonna kill him.
What the fuck! Fucking horrible bastard! Whoa, fucking hell.
Fucking no way! What is it? My new room is crawling with slugs.
And I think one's gone up my anus, actually.
I tried pouring some salt down there.
And I've really twisted, me neck's killing.
My arsehole stings like a bastard.
I'm not sure it's designed to have salt up it.
Will you let me move back in with you, please? I promise I'll behave myself.
I just, I just I just can't sleep on my own.
I miss you.
I miss you too.
Do you? Yeah.
Buzzin'.
Eh? Can you come and help me shit this slug out, man? No.
Man, don't look at me like that.
What, you think I like this? Fuck you.
It's not my fault.
What was that? What? There was a metallic bang, followed by an animalistic squeak.
That? Er, that was that was me.
Are you taking the piss? You like to squeal? I'll make you squeal.
I'll make you squeal like you're a cute little piglet that's being raped by a bear.
What was that? Were you sniffing me? Erm I find you very attractive.
You're so butch and angry.
I like that.
You're a very attractive young man, but I'm your probation worker.
Some things were just not meant to be.
It is a cruel and bitter world.
Where are you, you little shit, come on! Fuck! Oh, for Fucking hell! Dude, you're a fucking zombie, Curtis, shit! Shit, have you got any thoughts on how you might want to deal with this one? Fuck! I've snacked up.
I ain't gonna bite you.
Are you sure, mate? I've fed.
Shit! Curtis, man.
You're a fuckin' zombie.
You can't tell the others.
We're gonna have to cave his skull in, guys.
It's Curtis.
We can't kill him.
There must be something we can do.
That's what they said about the Apollo 13 mission.
No, wait, hang on.
No, turns out there was, there was something they could do.
Which is why this, mate, our situation is nothing like the Apollo 13 mission to the moon.
It's far worse! Look, Curtis is a fuckin' mate.
But what needs to be done needs to be done.
No.
Nah.
Yes.
He's right.
We have to kill him before he infects us or someone else.
It's either that or we spend the rest of our short lives living in a post-apocalyptic, zombie-infested nightmare world.
And it's shit enough around here as it is.
So how do we do this? How do we decide who does the skull-caving? Cos I done the last guy, so that's my skull-caving done for the week.
You're not pussying out of this.
That's not what I was trying to do.
Not at all.
Hey, not even a hint of pussy.
Horrible, grievous mate-killing situations like these are exactly why God invented straws.
I ain't gonna bite you.
You tell the others? No.
I'm shocked, mate, that you would They're gutted for you.
The little fella's in bits.
I can't stop thinking about Lola.
I know I should be angry with her, but she doesn't know what she's doing.
That fuckin' storm.
I need to try and help her.
Make her watch the DVD.
I I need to do something while I still can.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! I'm all right.
I'm all right.
Oho! Is that a hammer? What the bloody hell is that doing? It's raining bloody hammers.
Whatever next?! Fuck.
Mate, it's nothing personal.
I drew the short straw, didn't I? Get out.
Whatever she's told you about me, it's bullshit.
She's using you.
I killed a guy for her.
She tell you that? She didn't, did she? I'm gonna turn round.
I just wanna talk.
I saw what you did to her.
I never touched her.
This isn't her.
She's acting.
She's playing a part.
It was the storm.
You know about the storm? I'm not gonna let you hurt her again.
She's lying.
She's using you.
I never hurt her.
Oh, fuck.
I can't do this.
Don't do this.
This isn't who you are.
Lola, you have to listen to me.
You shot me? Curtis shot you.
You shot each other, at least that's how it's going to look.
No! Curtis? I'm sorry.
Hiya, mate.
How you doin'? You mean apart from being a zombie? Fuck.
He's still a zombie.
Where are you, man? We'd, we'd love to have a little chat, just talk through these options, eh? The way I see it, there's only one option.
I'm really sorry it's come down to this, mate.
None of us chose this shit.
Are you sure we can't manufacture some sort of an happy ending? Cos you know, you know I love them happy endings.
There ain't no happy endings.
It's zombie noir, innit? We could go for a pint.
Just me and you, two boring old fuckers and talk about the good old days.
We'll just have one last pint, eh? It's better this way.
Take care of yourself, yeah? I was looking for Dan Woollaston.
That's my dad.
I think he might be my dad, too.
Do you really think you can have a relationship with some guy you've never met? He's me dad.
Tell me what we're doing here! This guy has got a date with a friend of mine.
And we're finding out if he's gay.
Why? So I can completely destroy his relationship with Jess before it's even started.
I think he's paying him for sex.
There's something I need to ask you.
Please don't fuck me sister.
I'm genetically programmed to fuck people's sisters.
You think this is what I expected when I went looking for me dad?!