Misfits Episode Scripts

Series 5, Episode 3

How do you smell so nice? Right.
I'm not being funny.
You're, like, proper strange.
It's cos I don't know who I am.
No, I lost my memory in that weird freak storm.
I've tried to find out who I am but no-one's looking for me.
I'm Laura.
I'm Abby.
Is that what I think it is? Sorry.
It's a support group.
It's for people with powers and I just think we should go.
Hi.
My name's Sam.
I can fly.
Oh, hello! That's Abby's locker.
Does this explain why that dewy-eyed my-little-fuckwit isn't turning up for her community service? She likes to rave, does she? She off her face in a field somewhere, dancing with the little bunny rabbits? Aceeed! A-a-a-aceeed! Aceeed! A-a It's sherbet.
Think of her as your child.
This precious little life, those eyes staring up at you.
So full of love.
Her mouth puckered around your teat.
I'm holding each and every one of you personally responsible for her.
So when was the last time anyone actually saw Abby? A couple of days ago I saw her leaving the bar with some girl.
And no-one's seen her since? This other girl - d'you know her? I think I know which block she lives in.
What's the plan? Well, we ring the doorbell and when she answers the door, we ask her if she knows where Abby is.
That could work.
Morning.
Who the fuck are you? Everyone, this is Laura.
Laura, this is everyone.
Hi.
Hello! Hi, Laura.
You all right? All this time, I've been searching for something - a connection.
All those random guys and cocks and all they did was make me feel even more empty inside.
With Laura, it's different.
She makes me feel complete.
So that's the big mystery solved, then.
You're a lesbian.
Hi, I'm Abby, and I'm a lesbian.
Well done! Whoa! Are you and the big guy You still involved? Romantically? No.
We never were.
NEVER were.
You shouldn't give yourself up so easily.
OK! Er What do you say? Thank you.
Shit! Who's he? Boyfriend.
Ex-boyfriend.
Does he know about the ex-bit? Everything's happened so fast.
Where you been? Hm? Why aren't you answering your phone? Who's she? Hiya.
I'm Abby the lesbian.
I'm her new girlfriend.
You've been dumped.
What the fuck is going on? Since when were you a lesbian? I'm not.
It's her.
I've never felt this way about a girl before.
I love you.
How weird is that? I love her.
You stupid bitch.
You're scaring me.
What the fuck? You hurt her and I'll fucking kill you! Scary's here.
He's under the bed.
Abby? Are you all right? You must think I'm a total psycho.
He was going to hurt you.
You were scared.
I had to protect you.
You made me feel safe.
I liked it.
You make me feel safe.
Scary's coming for me.
Scary's coming for me.
Don't be scared.
I won't let him hurt you, I promise.
Scary's coming.
Huh? What? Scary's coming.
What? How d'you know about Scary? I I'm having these flashbacks.
There's this girl, and she's holding your cuddly toy monkey.
I think it's you.
Who's Scary? When I was a little girl, that's the name that I gave to the Bogeyman.
There's another little girl.
If I'm remembering it, it must be me, right? We must have been friends when we were little.
There's only one other person who knows about Scary.
Yeah, it's me.
I'm her.
You can't be.
She didn't exist.
She was my imaginary friend.
What was her name? It was Abby, wasn't it? What the fuck is going on? Were you in that weird, freaky, mysterious storm? Um I thought I was a lesbian with acute memory loss, but I think I might be your imaginary friend brought to life.
Mmm.
You should probably stop going down on me.
Yeah, yeah, right.
I found out who I am.
Guess what.
I'm imaginary.
What? So you find out she's imaginary and you squeeze her breast? Look, it just seemed like the only logical thing to do given the circumstances.
I'm a creature of instinct, aren't I? What? So if in doubt, squeeze breast.
Abby is confused and upset.
And what's Jess supposed to think? Dude, you're touching up girls right in front of her.
Shut up! Why would I? Why would I care what Jess thinks? Cos I fucking I don't.
I do not care, not even a little bit, so just shush! Why can't you just admit you like her? For the love of God, can a ridiculously handsome man not do anything in peace? Eh? You've discovered my little secret.
Sit.
I won't ask you again.
Such a beautiful instrument.
Elton John seems to like 'em.
The pianos.
He likes the pianos, doesn't he? So do I.
Closer.
Relax! Loosen your wrist.
It's loose.
It's loose.
The power of love The power of love A force from above Cleaning my soul Sing.
Sing.
Power of love A force from above Cleaning my soul Beautiful.
This time we go sublime Lovers entwined, divine, divine Love is danger, love is pleasure Love is pure, the only treasure I'm so in love with you Purge the soul I have to I have to I have to go.
I have I have herpes.
Shit! I've said it.
It's out there.
So I'm gonna I really should go just to take my medication.
Hiya.
If you've come to feel my tit, I'm not really in the mood.
No, no, no, it's not I'm I'm the other one.
I'm Rudy 2.
Look It's just that I remember when I was first created, you know, you have all these questions spinning round your head.
You know, what's my place in the world? Am I a person in my own right? Will I ever find true love, sort of thing? And what did you do? Rudy 1 told me to stop being such a vagina.
Only he didn't say "vagina".
I bottled everything up and I thought I could fix it with anxiety medication and sleeping pills and stuff.
But then we found somewhere I could go and It's like a support group, you know, for people like us, me and you.
People with powers, you know.
And nobody judges you.
We all just sit and listen, so You can't tell Rudy 1 where I am - he thinks I'm doing the laundry.
I do the service wash.
But you should come.
Or definitely think about it, you know.
You're nice.
Uh-oh! What's up with you? I think the probation worker fancies me.
Oh, for God's sake, Finn, you monkey-faced prick, does he heck! I'm serious.
I I think he's in love with me.
You should see the way he looks at me with his with his hungry eyes.
Was he looking at you like this? Cos this is me thinking that you're a little twat.
Am I? Well, he gave me a finger of his KitKat.
Oh, dear God! Just snapped it off.
Finn, it's the oldest trick in the book, you douche.
You don't underst Come on.
Really? You just You take the finger of the KitKat, you insert it up your anus, you give it to the unsuspecting victim, that's good times.
It was a more innocent time, I'll have you know, when children were allowed to be bloody children.
Thank you very much, judgy.
I smelt it.
And either the probation worker's arse smells of chocolate, or it hadn't been anywhere near his arse.
So what did you do with it? Ate it.
Oh, God! Fuck me! Scary's coming.
Ex-boyfriend, what are you doing here? Laura asked me to come round.
She don't wanna see you, all right? Just go.
But she can't not see me.
She created me.
I know who you are.
She told me everything.
Stay away from her.
What are you gonna do about that? Laura! Laura? Laura! You can't do this.
I brought you a swingball.
I love swingball.
Laura! Hi.
What are you doing? I climbed in through the window.
I was gonna wait until you had your wee.
If it's a shit, I'll wait outside.
No, it's just a wee.
Why don't you wanna see me? You're not real.
I am fucking real.
It's too weird.
It's too weird.
See? I'm as real as you are.
Laura, who are you talking to? You're crazy.
I'm how you made me.
You wanted me.
Laura, open the door.
I don't want you here.
You made me.
Laura! Just go Go! If I don't have you, I don't have anybody.
Please Rob! No! Fuck off! You cut me.
You stay away from me.
Stay away from me.
Hi.
Have you been drinking? Is that allowed? It's the magic hour.
I am no longer your probation worker.
You are no longer on community service.
We're just two people with hopes and dreams.
Aye-aye-aye-aye Feels like fire I'm so in love with you They keep bad at bay, bad at bay Love is the light Scaring darkness away I'm so in love with you You've got it all wrong.
I'm not gay.
Purge the soul I look gay.
But I'm not.
Make love It's probably because I'm petit.
Some would say dangerously boyish.
Your goal Lovers entwined, divine, divine We are not lovers! There is no entwined, divine, divine.
Love is danger, love is pleasure Love is losing your job and your pension.
Think.
Think about that.
What? I am so full of love.
I won't hide it any more.
I can't.
It's seeping out of me.
Out of my pores.
It's it's beautiful.
It's pure.
Smell my love.
Fuck off! Are you OK? Jess? It's me.
I'm at the Community Centre.
And there's a situation.
So we're gonna need your car to move the situation.
Call me.
What the? Finlay, what the fuck? What've you done? Nothing.
Did you kill the probation worker? No.
And yes.
It was self-defence.
I told you he fancied me, but did yous listen? No! This is all on you.
What? No, it isn't.
Some of it's on you.
Not really.
A little bit.
No.
So, erm Do you want to say a few words? Er Thanks for the memories.
Ugh! What are you doing? I'm fucking panicking, aren't I, Finn? Jesus! So you didn't check for a pulse, then? I'm not a doctor! Dude, get in the fucking hole and check for a pulse.
Jess? I found the situation.
Where are you? I'm sitting on the situation.
What situation are you talking about? The probation worker situation.
What situation are you talking about? The Abby situation.
What's the probation worker situation? He tried to fuck me.
So I accidentally killed him.
At least, I thought I'd killed him, but then Rudy hit him with a spade, so now He might actually be dead.
No, he isn't.
He's alive.
He's alive again! He's alive again! What's the Abby situation? She's taken an overdose.
Well, is she OK? She's alive.
Right, good.
Well, that's a start.
Erm You take care of that situation and we'll take care of this situation.
OK, good, yeah.
Yeah.
Er Bye! Bye.
OK.
Right.
So he wakes up and thinks he's crashed the car drink-driving.
That could work.
We should get his cock out.
Any particular reason, or do you just wanna give it an airing? For the comedy, innit, you know.
It's always Come on, for the comedy.
It works for me.
Oh, it's really warm.
Adios, amigo! Dickhead! What? Fucking hit me in the face.
That's my fucking car! Shit.
Rob? Rob, is that you? Hello? Um Not sure exactly what happened yesterday, but, um if I behaved at all inappropriately then I apologise.
Apology accepted.
I don't think it would benefit either of us if, you know, we were to mention it to anyone else.
Your secret's safe with me.
Let me get one thing straight.
I do not have a secret! Right, I was talking about me.
My secret.
What's your secret? I pick me teeth.
You disgust me.
I've spent my whole life running away from trouble.
Bullies at school.
Hard kids on the estate.
Sometimes they caught up with me.
They kicked the shit out of me.
Now I can fly away.
There's no way they can catch me.
I thought it'd feel great.
But it doesn't.
I'm still running scared.
Now I'm just flying scared.
I hate myself for it.
It shouldn't be like that.
What if there's another way? Does this other way involve getting the shit kicked out of me? Sometimes.
But anything's got to be better than being so damn scared all the time.
Oh! Oh! Excu Excu! Excuse me! Hello? Where are you going now? I'm getting my car repaired cos someone crashed into it.
Right, right.
Well, enjoy.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, listen.
Seriously, if you want to use our room, you want to have a talk or just sit on each other's faces, or talk while you're sat on each other's faces I've been known to recite poetry.
Should I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and temperate.
You laughing at that? I am allowed to laugh.
See you tomorrow.
OK.
See ya.
Women are the fucking mystery.
I mean, even their genitalia's mysterious, what, with all the little different crevices and folds, different compartments, just You know, sometimes I wonder whether there's stuff up there they're just not telling us about.
What? So, suddenly I exist again? I'm real? It's not like that.
When I was a little girl we played together every day.
And at night, when I was alone and scared you were always there.
My parents didn't give a shit about me.
They were just too busy fighting each other.
You were like my best friend.
But it was more than that.
It was like you were a part of me.
I freaked out but I never meant to hurt you.
Well, you did.
It was like meeting God, my creator and suddenly my whole life makes sense.
And then God looks at you and calls you a cunt and tells you to go fuck yourself.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Jesus! Look at my teeth.
Oh, look at Mr Pickles! It's really weird how those pirates came out at night and stole him.
I'm pretty sure my parents were lying about that.
That he died.
They didn't want me to be upset.
Right.
That makes sense.
I need a wee.
OK.
Don't think I could take the pain Stay now .
.
Won't you stay another day? Oh, don't leave me alone like this .
.
Oh, don't leave me alone like this Don't you say it's the final kiss Won't you stay another day? Fuck off! There's someone under the bed! He attacked me.
It's Scary.
Go! He's going to kill us.
No.
I'm here, OK? Laura! Abby! Abby! Abby! Abby! Oi, Scary! I've gotta go.
Don't go.
Stay.
Scary's dead.
You don't need me to protect you any more.
It was never just about that.
But you're right.
It's like going down on your mum, or your sister, at least.
Maybe your favourite aunt.
Right.
I've got to go to community service.
I'm really glad I made you.
Me too.
Your money and your phone.
Now! Shit, I Don't hurt me, I've got Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No, no, no.
I need to talk to ya! It's about a jumper.
Rudy 2's buggered off and left me.
You all right, mate? How're you doing? Oh, shit! It's him.
Jesus Christ, the man's a fucking vegetable.
He's not some random old man.
He's Rudy 2 and he's a part of you.
Is that me? Think so.
Who's that on top of the building? I don't know.
Well, it's you.
D'you know what? If I wasn't such a total fuck-up, I'd probably ask you out for a drink.