Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Seann Walsh, Zoe Lyons, Milton Jones

1 Read about the things that happen throughout the world Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world, news of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Howard, Seann Walsh, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
A typical picture of Peter Mandelson - but what does M.
stand for? Is it, Mandelson Blatantly A Lizard? Is it, My Briefs Are Leather? Is it everything he enjoys? Is it, Muck-raking, Bullshitting And Leaving? It's actually his nicknames for Brown and Blair.
It's Man Boobs and Ladyboy.
Is it just a list of his favourite things? Is it, Millionaires, Billionaires, Aristocrats and Lords? Is it, Mandelson Burns Adorable Labradors? AUDIENCE: Oh! What is that? What is that? - Look at him! - It's just a joke, he's not actually doing it! Is it just simply, Mr Bond, At Last? I know what this is - it's what he requested on Desert Island Discs.
It was, Michael Buble And Lubrication.
APPLAUSE How gutted would he be if "lubrication" were like a jazz band? I reckon it's, Mykonos? Booked Already, Love.
Mandelson Burns A Leprechaun? - Certainly not.
- Sorry! Sorry.
I'll look for out for you all.
I'll look out for you all.
Nobody will be burning you on my watch! Oh, no, I've slipped into a stereotype.
- I love the fact - I'd like to apologise to the people of Ireland.
Anyone know the correct answer? - Mandelson's Book Angers Labour.
- Congratulations, very good, well done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, Mandelson's Book Angers Labour.
The story that Lord Mandelson's newly-published memoirs have rocked the Labour Party by revealing how little faith the Cabinet had in Gordon Brown and by revisiting the war between Blair and Brown.
But the thing is, have you read any of it? We were promised juicy gossip.
What was the first revelation? Brown and Blair don't get on.
Really(?) We want juicy details.
What I want to know is, how mad was Brown towards the end of the election? I bet you there was one day where they found him in his room, surrounded by dead weasels, and he was just dressed as Lady Gaga.
But various members of the Labour Party said they were going to try and stop him publishing his memoirs.
But, of course, the only way to stop Mandelson is a little bit of garlic and a stake through the heart.
That man is so oily that if he went for a swim in the Atlantic, BP would be off the hook.
APPLAUSE Hang on a minute, Mandelson appears to be dressed as the Compare The Meerkat, for some reason.
Yes, this is the notion he advertised them - they were serialised in the Times, and the advertising for it It was pitched as a fairy-tale.
There were these two mighty kings Who are we in this situation? Are we the villagers in this story? I am Shrek, I know.
I'm not an idiot, I know where I fit in the fairy-tale scheme.
It's weird to think he's the son of Nelson Mandela.
Grandad, we love you! I find it really difficult to take seriously, because that bit, I don't know if you've seen the advert, but he says, "Are you sitting comfortably?" The trouble is, I was thinking, my mate Tom at school, he was about seven, and the teacher went, "Are you sitting comfortably?" He went, "Not really, miss, I've got worms.
" What did we find out about the coalition negotiations? I mean, there were some revelations.
We found out apparently that Clegg told Brown he had to go.
But it hasn't done Clegg any favours, has it? He's now more unpopular than he's ever been.
He couldn't have been more unpopular if he'd formed a coalition with North Korea, Fabio Capello and Piers Morgan.
Yes, Clegg was the executioner.
Clegg went into a meeting and told Brownyou have to go.
And Brown said, "I will only stay free year.
" Then he said, "I'll go in October.
" Then he said, "I'll just hang around for the transition until we get "a new leader.
" Short of the point where he went, go! He's going, "You'll not notice me.
"I'll just be in the corner.
"I'll just hover "I'm not even here.
" What we wanted to know is, what pranks did Brown leave behind? Because you would totally mess around.
If Cameron was coming in, right, clingfilm over every toilet seat, change all the phone numbers to sex lines, put some prawns in the curtains, everyone stand back, I'm going to curl one out on the desk.
You wouldn't? That's the first thing I'd do! All the others are pranks.
All the others are like But pooing on the desk is not a prank.
You are massively reducing your chances of ever selling a house.
Which senior Conservatives came under attack this week? - Is it Michael Gove? - Delightful.
He's a very weird-looking man.
He looks to me like a cross between Skeletor, ET and Stewie from The Family Guy.
He looks like a balloon whose cork's come out, and you're expecting him to go round the room, going He's basically produced a list of schools that are actually going to lose their buildings or aren't going to have new buildings built.
And it turned out it had 25 mistakes on it.
Now, as the Education Secretary, I think he should write that list out 100 times until he gets it right.
APPLAUSE How has David Cameron irritated teachers this week? Cos he said that he's terrified of state schools, he's terrified of sending his kids to state Which is fair enough, because if Michael Gove carries on the way he is, quite a lot of them are going to be structurally quite dangerous.
What he needs to do is to get Nick Clegg's son at the same school as HIS son.
And then David Cameron's son would have a little servant.
They did reveal, didn't they, that apparently only 18 teachers in the last 40 years have actually been sacked? You're thinking, that's an amazing thing, they'll have to change that saying - those who can do, those who can't teach, and those who can't teach, they teach as well.
This week, a woman from Ofsted let slip that she thinks it's an excellent thing, bad teachers.
- This is incredible.
- That's right, she said, didn't she, that every school needs one shit teacher.
You're thinking, if that's the case, we have got a lot of schools that are centres for excellence.
It was an Ofsted woman called Zenna Atkins, who's quoted in the Sunday Times as saying Adding It's the first time that people can get a job whilst telling the truth on their CV.
Interesting hobbies? Drinking.
Why do you want this job? So I can pay my bills and get Sky+.
Why do you think you're good for this job? I'm not, I'm shit - both on my own and as part of a team.
How can you be a bad primary school teacher? All you've got to do is a bit of a collage and read them a book.
But I also remember there was a lot of going to sleep on the desk, where they get the entire class I don't know if this happened They get the entire class to put their head on their hands for a long period of time.
And they're going, hang on, was that a hangover thing, or was it like them going, "I'm sick of these asshole kids"? But, apparently, it teaches you to deal with incompetence, that's what she's saying.
Because if you know what incompetence is when you're at primary school, you're seven years old?! When I was seven, I wanted to be a cat.
You can't deal with incompetence - you believe anything an adult says.
My mate, his mum had a lock on a cupboard underneath the stairs.
She told him there was a bear under the stairs.
Whenever he was naughty, she'd get a key out, go towards it.
He'd be like And years later, he finally opened it, he was about 14, he was genuinely going, "What if there IS a bear?" That feeling, it might be a bear.
Went in, there wasn't a bear.
So do you know what he did? Genuinely true, he got some rope and a bear costume, and he made it look like the bear had hung himself - and then locked the cupboard.
- Do you know what that is? That is a prank, my friend.
APPLAUSE The points are going to Russell, Zoe and Andy.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called Newsreel.
We play a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
This week's clip features Boris Johnson and David Cameron.
In this time of cuts, I tell you who really should be cut is that bloody David Cameron.
Completely useless, not nearly posh enough.
Oh, bollocks.
The, er - I do hope you didn't hear what I was - Yes, I did, actually, Boris.
Try not to walk into that wall, look more of an idiot than you are.
Remember our deal, try not to say anything for the next four years.
- Off you go.
- Well, I would, but somebody's stolen my bloody bike.
Where's my bike? Somebody really ought to sort out bike crime in this city.
Who do I talk to? Off you go, Boris.
Off you go.
Lovely to meet you.
Lovely to meet you too.
Incidentally, I've cut your pension by 90%.
Yes, you'll barely have enough to live on, but remember, we share your pain.
I wonder if Samantha's cooked quail for lunch Hang on a second.
No, that was really I got that right up my crack.
So, I'm just going to go over here.
I tell you what, I'm tremendous on this thing.
I'm like Do you see that bloke in the orange? I'm going to burn him up that much, yes! No, I don't need a helmet, because a bump on the head will probably do me good.
Bloody hell, there's a lot of traffic - someone should sort that out.
Who wants an Oyster card? Tally-ho! APPLAUSE Now, we play a round called Who Will Win? Let Paul The Mock-topus Decide.
This game involves Milton, Zoe and Seann, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please This round is a standard challenge.
I launch the Wheel of News, and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
Here we go.
The first subject, please Transport.
Who wants to talk about that? Seann Erm, I have to get the trains a lot in what I do.
Not those trains, they're a bit newer.
But I do, I have to get the trains a lot, and it can be difficult on Sundays.
With this country's Sunday service.
For those of you that haven't used the trains on Sundays, I'll explain to you how it works.
Basically you pay for a train .
you get a bus.
So, sorry, if you can't give me a train, don't give me something shitter, get my a helicopter! You don't get this with any other form of transport.
Imagine - "Hi, could I have a taxi, please?" "Er, I'm afraid not, but Pete could be round in a bit to give you a piggyback.
" Remember those old black-and-white films where the bad guy would tie a woman to a train track, wait for a train to run her over? You wouldn't get that now, would you? It would be a crap film, it would just be some bloke trying a woman to a train track, standing there like a mug whilst a bus drives past.
OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is holidays - who wants to come in on that? Zoe I always think when it comes to holidays, why go to the effort and expense of going abroad when you can have just as disappointing an experience in this country? Of course, for the more adventurous, you've got the outdoor holidays, outdoor activities always seem like a good idea.
They rarely are.
I think kayaking is an ancient Indian word that means, "This will be fun for about two minutes.
" I actually went camping last year for the first time in my life, went camping - for five days, in England.
It rained for five days.
I didn't get a tan, I got mould, so You know when you come back from holiday and people go, "Nice colour.
" "Do you like it? That's moss.
"I have grown moss!" So next time I feel like going camping, I will just stay at home for five days and not have a shit or a shower.
OK, that leaves us with Milton.
Let's see what we've been left with.
Spin the wheel Relationships, Milton.
Sometimes I think I should settle down and have a mature relationship.
But then I think to myself, it's the middle of the conker season.
Never give up your seat for a lady.
That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I owe my mum - she told me there was a bear living under the stairs.
APPLAUSE My parents came up last weekend - cos I keep them in the cellar That's not true! I don't know WHO they are.
APPLAUSE I got home from work the other day, and my wife was wearing this slinky number, which only really worked when she went downstairs.
Recently, we bought the box set of Doctor Who and watched it back to back.
Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.
Thank you very much! Come and sit down! APPLAUSE Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories - Zoe, which category would you like? - Ooh, er, sport.
- OK, the answer is 15, what is the question? How many times a night does goalkeeper Robert Green wake up screaming? Is it, how many inanimate objects has Gazza spoken to today? Is it, if five pieces of fruit a day keep you healthy, how many will give you diarrhoea? Is it, what age do you have to be to think that the films Twilight are anything other than shit? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Is it - I actually think they speak to me.
Is it, how many gallons of oil are now left under the Gulf of Mexico? Is it, how many magic biscuits are there in the magic biscuit tree? I'd love that to be the right answer, I really would.
But in fact there are 19 magic biscuits in the magic biscuit tree.
Is it, how many minutes a different girl receives a text with a picture of Ashley Cole's knob? What factor sunscreen would Dale Winton take with him if he was going on a holiday for a week to the centre of the sun? What an amazing Wish You Were Here that would be.
How many crisps are there in a packet of Kettle Chips? I saw an amazing argument the other day in Tesco.
This woman said to her husband, "You've got the wrong crisps.
"I wanted Kettle crisps - what will our neighbours think of us?" How weird is that? Like someone's going to go round their house and go, "Marie's dead to me.
Monster Munch.
That bitch had Monster Munch.
" Crisps? No-one's fussed, are they? That would be a top quality mistake if you were sent to buy Kettle crisps for a dinner party and you brought back Monster Munch.
"They're just the same!" "They're shaped like a monster! "With little feet and everything - it's a cartoon monster! "What kind of dinner party are you going to put us through here?" You're not going to like these Alphabites, either.
It was weird with the Monster Munch, between its toes, that was where all the flavour was.
That was kind of creepy.
How did you discover that? You licked the flavour off the crisps.
Who didn't do that?! I'm sorry, is that not the way you do things here? I didn't know I was among royalty now.
Quiet time now, Dara, quiet time.
APPLAUSE I think I actually know the answer to this - how many cards were given during the World Cup Final match? Yes, well done, Zoe.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
Yes, the question was - how many cards did Howard Webb show during the World Cup Final in South Africa? English referee Howard Webb showed a record 15 cards in the final, which was one of the dirtiest and most bad-tempered ever.
He brandished 14 yellows and one red as the Dutch and Spanish set into each other.
You know when the final whistle blew, in the World Cup, if you listened, you could hear the sound of women ripping down wallcharts and grabbing back remotes, going, "Yes!" As men go, our time is over.
Which lucky punter managed to have a 100% success rate? - That would be Paul the Octopus.
- It would of course.
It says something about the quality of the football at the World Cup that the star of the World Cup is an octopus.
Given that it is essentially one animal eating another animal, it is an act of They put was it mussels or oysters in? - Mussels.
- And he had to go in and eat the mussel.
It is essentially no different to had they gone, "We've got two goats "and we've put the flag of Spain on one and a flag of Germany on the other - now release the lion!" Whichever one Simba carries off squealing.
It wouldn't be quite as appealing to watch.
"Oh, no! No! "Oh, Spain, OK, grand.
" The thing about it was that he predicted that Germany would lose in the semi-final and he got death threats from Germany.
And the Spanish Prime Minister offered him safe haven.
He said, "Come to Spain.
" Just one word of warning to Paul the Octopus - paella.
Paul the Octopus actually comes from Weymouth.
He's one of ours! The thing was, when he was here, he could predict absolutely nothing, because he wasn't given the right training at a young age! So, basically, he's a celebrity octopus now.
He's the coolest octopus on the planet.
He can go back into the ocean now, and all the female octopuses will love him.
Like this pimp.
He can go back in and be like, "Yo, girls, I want you, "I want you, I want you.
I want all the octopussy!" He's a celebrity, so that means, in 10 years' time, on ITV4 or something, they'll have After They Were Famous, and it'll just be a plate of sushi.
Just him with a fag, predicting scores.
Like Division 4 results.
You'll see him outside China White just vomiting on the pavement.
Three cigarettes on the go, - picking balls out for a lottery.
- Just hanging out with Dean Gaffney.
- OK, what have the US been swapping with Russia this week? - Oh, spies.
- Yeah.
- It's all kicking off.
- Yes, proper spies, good spies.
They weren't good spies, there were rubbish spies.
They were as good at spying as Brian Blessed is at whispering.
They Some of the spies in Russia, they had kids, and their kids had no idea they were spies.
They're living in middle America.
Imagine that, from middle America to Russia.
Middle America - Hannah Montana, Disney.
Russia - Vladimir, the boy that fights the bear.
And that's it.
I didn't think we still needed spies, to be honest.
- That is the major issue.
- With Google and Wikipedia, I thought we could just find everything out these days.
I was quite surprised we actually have to go to the effort of invisible ink.
That's how far it's moved on as well, they were working in invisible ink.
What next, two cans on a piece of string? "Can you hear me?" From the two cans and a piece of string in a cafe where everyone else is using Wi-Fi, going, "Why are they using string? "This is ridiculous!" You know when they're using invisible ink, how do they know when their pen's run out? Didn't they have to there was a code word and you basically had to go up to somebody and go, "Excuse me, didn't I meet you last April in Bangkok?" And that could be embarrassing if you got the wrong person, couldn't it? They're going, "Did it involve a Coke bottle and some ping-pong balls?" Not you as well! They were difficult times.
I think you'll find that modern spying no longer works like that.
You're basing this opinion on the one time they asked you to be a spy, aren't you? - I went for a spy interview, yes.
- And what did they ask you at this spy interview? They basically went, "Would you like to be a spy?" Did a man walk up to you, was there a letter? I got approached by someone at university, who said, "Would you be interested in intelligence?" I said, "Yes, I'd like to have some.
" And I went down for an interview in London.
And during this, I decided I didn't really want to be a spy and I turned it down.
- That was your final year at uni? - Yeah.
My final year at uni, the highlight of it, I lost my football in a hedge, I went into the hedge, and there was a Bristolian man in there going, "Get your own hedge.
" My dream, my crazy dream, was that we find out that after tonight's show, the recording, Hugh goes home, into the house, hangs up his coat, turns on the light, and then there's a man just sitting in a chair, going, "It's not a laughing matter, Mr Dennis.
"You may think it's amusing to talk about it now" At the end of that round, the points go to Sean, Hugh and Milton! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
So if everyone can make their way to the performance area, please, I'll read out this week's topics, then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
Here we go, the first subject is (HIGH VOICE:) The last time I was in this nightclub, I was still a man.
I've bought some condoms, and in preparation, I've got one on already.
Yes, I know it's only dinner, but unless you sign this pre-nup, you're not getting any! My last girlfriend asked if I could play Smoke On The Water, so I threw a toaster in her bath.
Oh, I see, so when you put "bubbly" on the advert, you meant fat? You've got good hips.
Let me see your teeth.
We'll take her.
Actually, during the day, I'm something really high up in the City.
HE MIMICS PIGEON So, anyway, so, look, listen, that's enough about me.
Tell me about your sister.
OK, I did crop my Facebook photo so as you couldn't see my conjoined twin.
Whoa! How pissed was I when I asked YOU out?! Not as pissed as I was when I said yes! I want a baby now! There's nothing you can do about it.
I know I'm going to shag you.
Er, my dating history? Yeah, erm Divorced, beheaded, died .
divorce, beheaded, survived.
OK, the next topic is From the makers of Snakes On A Plane comes Snails In A Caravan.
I want you to upload this schematic to my PDA.
II need you to send the picture to my mobile.
Ambassador Threll, are you telling me that intergalactic war occurred because one of your people said, "I'm going to the shops, "do you want something?" And another one replied, "Yes, get me a Galaxy"? Men, we are heavily surrounded, but don't worry - Gazza has arrived with some chicken and a fishing rod.
It's one storey of terror, it's Bungalow Inferno.
Listen to me, I want you to take the kids, I want you to go to your mother's, you'll be safe there.
I'm going to stay here and shag the nanny.
The boat is sinking.
There's not enough lifeboats, and the worst thing of all, Celine Dion is singing the theme tune! There is a house in New Orleans The Martians landed at around 4am in Bracknell, went, "Er," and left again.
The ship is sinking! I don't care, I'm a duck.
Yeah, er, just press that, it'll be all right.
This is a virus like we have never encountered.
the other half will be able to carry on as normal.
Gentlemen, this is man flu.
Do you not realise, if this contagion spreads, the entire X-Factor judging panel could be wiped out?! CHEERING OK, at the end of that, the points go to Russell, Zoe and Andy! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners I don't know who this week's winners are.
Who do you think this week's winners are? Oh-oh-oh! This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Russell Howard! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Commiserations to Seann Walsh, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.