Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Greg Davies, Simon Evans, Micky Flanagan

1 Programme contains some strong language.
Read about the things that happen throughout the world Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Simon Evans and Micky Flanagan, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here's a picture of the Lib Dem top brass recently but what does CRCT stand for? Is it Cable Reaches Centenary Today? Cable Remembers Crimea and Trafalgar? He's got his finger pointed at Clegg.
Is it Cable Reveals Collaborator, Ta-dah? Is it Clegg Regrets Couples Therapy? Is it what happened next? Is it Cable Reaches and Caresses Tenderly? Is it Cable Resembles Crinkly Testicle? Could it be Can't Remember Choosing Them? Is it Cable Realises Clegg's a Tory? I think "tosser" would have got a bigger Yeah! Shall I have a crack at that one? You make it political, I'll make it funny.
Does anyone have the correct answer? Is it Conference Reveals Coalition Tensions? Exactly.
Thank you very much, Andy Parsons.
Yes, the answer I was looking for was Conference Reveals Coalition Tensions.
This is the news that the Liberal Democrat conference has exposed growing tensions within the coalition.
The latest claim comes as the Party's President, Tim Farron, says the Lib Dems have become "tainted" by their association with the Conservatives, comparing the coalition to a marriage heading for divorce.
- Who has come out fighting this week then from the Lib Dems? - They all have, haven't they? - Yeah.
Did you see what the slogan was for the Lib Dem conference? "In Government, on your side.
" and I was thinking, surely a better slogan would be, "In Government, still can't bloody believe it!" It's a very fighting talk kind of conference.
"We're not the Tories! Oh, we are showing them every day!" What they actually said was, "We are blocking Tory laws every day.
" Like they're ninjas and things are being flung at them! There's going to be the biggest divorce since Paul McCartney dumped Heather Mills.
Although, unlike the Tories, Heather Mills does lean slightly to the left.
The tragedy of it is though, it's on the telly, isn't it? And these are a party in power, they're sharing government and the conference is on.
And when you turn on the conference you don't think, "Ah, look, I really must listen to all these arguments.
" You think, "What have they done with Diagnosis Murder?" It's the language the press choose to report it in that's amazing.
The Daily Mail always choose words to make the Liberals look more ridiculous than they actually are.
They said that the Liberals were threatening to "flounce out" of Government.
"Come on Vince, get your red box, we're leaving.
"Talk to the hand, the legislative agenda ain't listening.
" And they said, "We're punching above our weight.
" Where I come from that's a really bad thing.
"Oh, you're punching above your weight a bit, aren't you?" Yeah.
In my town, you're punching above your weight if your wife hasn't got a beard.
What proposal has Energy Secretary Chris Huhne announced this week? He's going to try and force energy companies to reduce prices.
Something about He is, yeah.
He thinks people aren't getting the competition they deserve.
The problem there is that people don't understand "energy supplier".
The phrase.
Particularly teenagers and stuff.
You say, "Have you switched your energy suppliers?" And they probably go, "Like I was on Lucozade and now I'm on Relentless!" That is the voice of young Britain right there.
I'm, in fact, on Economy 7.
And that's supposed to save you money because the idea is that you do things overnight but I'm not sure that it does actually save you money because you tend to put the washing machine to go on overnight and then you actually forget that you've put it on.
two days later you go back to the washing machine, smell the clothes and go, "I'd better put those on again!" Is Economy 7 saving you money so long as you're using it in 1986? Not that I'm aware of! I would say to you, Andy, that cook, cook, cookability is the beauty of gas.
If you want to save energy, Andy, you want to fit the best.
Fit Everest! It's called Economy 7.
I've got something to say to you.
Boom boom boom boom Esso Blue.
Leave him, don't take the piss out of him, he's got a tiger in his tank.
I don't get any of these jokes! Because I grew up in Ireland, I don't get any of these jokes.
How about, "fiddle de dee, have coal!" That wasn't a popular ad in Ireland, thank you very much.
It would make things a lot easier if there was an actual difference when you switched supplier.
If they went, "I've gone from EDF to British Gas and now, I don't know, it looks a bit French, or something.
Do you know what I mean? If it had something about it, it wasn't patently exactly the same gas and not just a different bill.
You think the gas should come out a different colour? Yes! Or shape or something.
Oh, I like this! This is new, ooh! Dun, dun, dun, dun, du-rah! Every so often a son et lumiere show would go on.
My father is convinced that since they switched to a French-owned electricity company that it's coming through slower, he is sure of it.
Does he think it's kinda coming, in a kind of French "Bah! I'll be there in a minute, "why are you so desperate to have a cup of tea over there?" I'm still distressed to find out that my Economy 7 only existed back in the 1980s.
In other news, what's going on here? "Here's Louis with the over 25s.
" Is it the eight stickers I need to complete my Panini Amish sticker album? Got it, got it, got it! Are they the victims of a ninth man who has been gluing people to rulers? This is a campaign against selling Stella Artois.
These are the women you end up sleeping with.
Or, in fact, these are the replies that convinced me to cancel my subscription on match.
The bloke on the top right definitely used to have his head slapped by Benny Hill.
I know, it's a poster for the new movie The Unusual Suspects.
They are all Amish, in Kentucky they have been jailed for non-payment of fines after they refused to put reflective safety signs on their horse-drawn buggies because they're too modern.
It wasn't one of the better University Challenge episodes.
Amish University A versus Amish University B.
Sorry, I do love the idea of it being University Challenge.
And the scores remain zero because neither Amish team wishes to use the buzzer.
He looks so much guiltier, that bloke in the top right, than all the others, doesn't he? It's like Father Christmas has been hanging out with the wrong people.
Room for one more? Yeah, let's have a close up of one more.
Ha-ha-ha-ha(!) You had this up your sleeve, how I would look as an Amish.
You look like a young Ken Clarke.
Are you sure it's not an advert for Regaine hair foam? It'd be a warning ad.
"I smeared it here and it came out here!" OK, at the end of that round the points go to Chris, Hugh and Greg.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Tinker Tailor Soldier Stand Up.
This game involves Simon, Greg and Micky.
So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand up challenge.
I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
OK, here we go.
Let's spin the wheel.
The first subject is fatherhood.
Who wants to come in on that? Greg.
My father has taken fatherhood in a very strange direction in the last few years, and it started about three years ago at Christmas when he announced to me, and this is a quote, and all of what I'm about to tell you is entirely real, it happened.
He said to me, "Son, I'm 72.
" I said, "I'm aware of that.
" "I've decided from now on I should start behaving exactly as I see fit.
" I said, "I would welcome that.
" He said, "I'm glad you agree "because when you come home for Christmas you will discover this year "that I am wearing a Christmas outfit.
" I went, "All right then.
" I got home and true to his word he was wearing a Christmas outfit.
I swear to you it was one giant pair of white underpants that stretched from his knees to just below his nipples, with a novelty Santa hat with a flashing bulb on the end.
And he came downstairs, and this is a quote, "Do you like?" I said, "I find it a bit challenging.
" He said, "I don't give a shit what you think.
" And he went off to eat some cheese.
This is where it gets weird.
I went out that night with some of the people in my home town.
Midnight, anticipating me coming home, my mother tells me he did this - he went upstairs in his "panta" outfit .
he went to my mother's sheet drawer, for she has one, he took out a double white sheet, he placed that over his head, he went out into their garden and he hid in a bush with a view to giving me, his then 40-year-old son, "a bit of a scare.
" Presumably, my mother is so sick of his shit she decided not to tell him something that she full well knew, that on that occasion I stayed over at a friend's house.
Well done.
OK, let's spin the wheel again.
And the next subject is "class".
Who's wants to come in on that? Er, class, yes, this is a society our country is a society riven by class.
I was very much aware of this when I lived in Brixton for many years LAUGHTER .
yeah, exactly.
So, seriously, the streets of Brixton are littered with homeless people, vagrants, derelicts of one kind or another, it's very distressing if you're trying to pursue a middle class path and, you know, I could blinker myself to them when I was a young man, but when I had children it became more difficult.
We had a three-wheeler, we could get over most of them, but it slows you down.
And it would puzzle me why they were there, to be honest.
Homelessness is very sad but if you're homeless, why would you choose to stay in Brixton? The one advantage of being homeless is you can choose where you live.
You can be in the countryside.
A couple of vouchers out of the Daily Mail and you could be in the South of France by the weekend.
Pick up some cheap booze on the ferry, they like a drink, the homeless, as a rule.
I don't want to tar them all with the same brush although if you sleep on the road, that will happen, sooner or later.
I do think it's a bit ironic that the favourite drink of the homeless should be a beer called Tennent's! Micky, let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the subject is "fashion".
LAUGHTER Now, I'll tell you about fashion.
Nowa few years ago I was looking for a new image, so I started going on stage like this, thinking that will create an image for me, they'll go, "You've seen the geezer, stunning looking, top button done up.
" But I subsequently found out the image this tends to create is you're a wanker.
So I looked into the whole issue of it.
And I'll tell you the situation with the shirt button, OK.
So because people don't want to be thought of like that, they tend to undo their top button.
There we go.
That's better, isn't it? Not enough? Still a bit too high? There's still a bit of tension in the room.
What you really want is one more.
See that, it's palpable, innit? Everyone's going, "Whoa, thank God for that!" That is the level of buttonage we require for a man going out for the evening to the All Bar One.
Very good.
However .
if I go one more .
I'm suddenly back to being an arsehole again.
How tough is it being a man knowing that you are going through life only ever one button away .
from being a wanker or an arsehole? Very good.
The points there go to Simon and Micky.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Our next round is called If This is the Answer, What is the Question? Six categories.
Simon, which category would you like? World News.
OK, the category is World News.
And the answer is 328 billion.
What is the question? Is it, measured in pounds, how fat is yo mama? How many items do you get free if you buy one at Lidl? Is it, how many trailers have there been for Downton Abbey? Is it, according to the Daily Mail how many travellers are there at Dale Farm? Is it, how many press-ups would I have to do to fit into one of Chris Addison's shirts? You would have to do more than that, big fella! Is it, how many troops does President Gaddafi claim are still loyal to him? Is it, the number of pieces you get in a box when you buy a wardrobe from IKEA? Is it, how many points does Silvio Berlusconi have on his brothel Nectar card? Is it in fact, how many missed calls from Zara were on Mike Tindall's answer phone? Is it, what is the total debt now in euros that Greece owes the rest of us? That is right, thank you very much, Chris Addison.
Yes, the question I was looking for is, what is the total debt faced by Greece? This is the news that Greece is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy.
Eurozone finance ministers are in disagreement about how to bail out the Greece economy.
What progress is it making? They have given the telly back to Bright House.
It is bad news.
- They owe 250 grand each.
- Apparently, yeah.
But it is bad news.
Imagine how bad donner kebabs are going to taste when they start putting REALLY cheap meat in them?! Given the products they are most famous for, they are particularly worried about a double-dip recession.
I feel really sorry for the guy who has been charged with the job of putting all the plates back together.
They can't afford to keep breaking them so he's been asked to glue them back together again.
It's all rubber plates now.
Duh, duh, duh, duh, boing! Hey! - I'm not an economist, but they - Are you not? They shouldn't have got rid of the drachma! They've kept their own yoghurt, haven't they? They weren't meant to have that level of debt to join the EU in the first place.
It was meant to be a much lower level of debt.
But they hid all their deficits from the rest of Europe, in a giant wooden horse! What's making it worse is they are continuing to spend, that is the problem.
European finance ministers are saying they have to do some belt-tightening.
They can't do belt-tightening.
They wear togas.
They would look like they were in Howard's Way! Not only are they spending, they are also not paying any tax, any tax at all.
Corinth, the authorities have collected The amount of euros collected in the entire city in the last six months is £18,000.
According to the people claiming that, there are 12 million people, only 5,000 of them make more than 90 grand a year, they are claiming.
Nobody is admitting to anything.
They are all just going, "We are not paying tax.
" That is why the Germans are saying, "We gave you the money.
"But are you going to pay the tax?" And they're going, "Yeah, no problem, da, da, da! "What was that? "Nothing! Nothing! "We are just on the way to pay our tax now.
"My cousin has the envelope, bye.
"Da, da, da.
Ba-doing!" It is not strictly relevant, I went out with a Greek girl once.
I can't imagine how this wouldn't be relevant to a discussion of their economy.
Did you not have much money, Greg? I'm just throwing it in.
I was in a lift once in Greece, and this man turned to me, and he went, "Are you sometimes gay?" He is giving you a way out there? It went really quiet, and he went, "Are you sometimes gay?" I went, "No, never really, no.
" He went, "OK.
" OK.
In other news, who has been granted a last minute injunction? - The travellers.
At Dale Farm.
- Yes.
There is an irony in the fact the travellers don't want to go anywhere.
It is a term, it is just a term.
Let's face it, bouncers don't actually bounce! If they did, when I jokingly pushed one over recently, I wouldn't have spent the night in hospital.
You would be disappointed when you went to that swingers' party.
One of the women said, "Putting a traveller in a house "is like putting a traveller in a prison.
" But yet they are building them.
You could put a traveller in a lodge! - What is that character? - It's Jeanette! Sounds like one of the Terrahawks! CACKLES "Leave me alone!" They are always claiming this So many different countries covered with that accent, as well! Welsh, French! CACKLES "I'll get you Smurfs!" When I first heard about it, I thought, "I really hate travellers.
" Then I realised it is the Irish travellers, not those twats who go around the world for a year after university! I'd love to see the bailiffs going after them! "No, you will never take my dreamcatcher away from me.
" It is not a dreamcatcher, it is string.
" It would be a disappointing gap-year if you end up in Basildon! That is why the people of Basildon are so upset, they are sick and tired of these posh people moving into the area.
- Who else came out in support of them? - Loads of people.
There were two bishops and an actress turning up to a caravan site.
I was hoping for some low-budget '70s porn.
Then Gloria Hunniford, who it turns out wasn't there in support, she was there for her new show, Wish They Weren't Here! The arrival of the bailiffs was one of the biggest anticlimaxes ever.
There were 30 of them and they had one 1970s loud-hailer and the lead bailiff went, "Is there anything I can say "to persuade you to leave?" There was a Life of Brian pause.
"Speak up.
"Is there anything I can say to persuade you to leave?" There was another pause, and this woman went, "Fuck off!" It was amazing! She went, "I'll put a curse on you.
I'll put a curse on you!" They're always giving it the curses! The minute it kicks off, "I'll put a curse on you!" THEY CACKLE OVER EACH OTHER Everybody watching this has got their remote control, going, "There's something wrong with the sound.
" OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Greg! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, now we come to Scenes We Would Like To See.
If everyone could make their way to the performance area, please.
I will read this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is unlikely things to hear in a police station.
Here, the microwave has broken again, Taser that meat pie for me, will you? I know it is unlikely, I don't suppose anybody has handed in Colonel Gaddafi, have they? I noticed the burglar making his escape.
At this moment, I cursed the police cutbacks and gave chase, shouting, "Nee-nah, nee-nah.
" - CAMP VOICE: - All units be on the lookout for a purple Renault Clio.
Registration number, Saffron, Doily, Tutu, Bonjela, Chrysanthemum, Hiya! We didn't manage to evict many of them, Sarge.
But he good news is, I got some lucky heather.
No, I have not come to report a crime, it is just that I really miss The Bill, so I thought I would pop in for an hour.
Sarge, pass us the art section out of the Guardian, will you, mate? FOREIGN ACCENT: Yes, I know how identity parade works.
That's her! That's her! That's the woman I robbed! Right, we have a new man starting.
He is half-man, half horse, it is Inspector Morse! Yes, our new 50-inch plasma screen TV.
It is rather nice.
If you can't beat them, eh? I am charging you with the murder of Mrs Thompson.
That will be £7.
19, please.
Right, listen up, there is a giant fly attacking the station.
I have called the SWAT team! Thank God you've arrived, officer, some bloke jumped into the boot of my car and shot himself 14 times.
We got the tox report back.
They go straight after the ticks! I was about to arrest her, but my bottle went because she shouted out, "I'll put a curse upon you.
" OK.
The next topic is unlikely things to hear in a science documentary.
Having cloned Ian Wright we now know two Ian Wrights don't make an Ian Wrong! Erectile dysfunction.
Physical problem? Or has the wife just let herself go a bit? Well, this is incredible, this is a whole new species of miniature tiger.
Hang on, it's a cat! Now, pay attention, here comes the shampoo bit.
We discovered the source of the quark.
It's the sound made by a posh duck.
This is a red dwarf.
His name is Antony Worrell-Thompson.
Welcome to the Sky at Night.
If we look out Oh, hell, Croydon's on fire.
Despite getting a bad press, biological weapons work at much lower temperatures than non-biological weapons.
Without penicillin, well, I would still be cursing that day I went to Bangkok! Tonight we look at the Ginger community.
Physical anomaly or God's cruel joke? Ah, the Northern Lights.
Oh, no, Manchester's on fire! But will they find a cure in time? The last hope for mankind lies with scientists here at the Laboratoire Garnier.
Tonight, on Show Me The Evidence, we look at the traveller community.
Can they really put a curse on you? As the sperm swim towards the eggs, it is hard not to think that I've ruined this fried breakfast! I'm never again going to have a fried breakfast! OK, at the end of that, Micky, Simon and Andy get the points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Simon Evans and Micky Flanagan.
Commiserations to Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Greg Davies.
Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.