Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Milton Jones, Ed Byrne, Holly Walsh

1 This programme contains some strong language.
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Don't believe everything you see or hear Read all about it.
Read all about it.
News of the world News of the world.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Holly Walsh and Ed Byrne, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here's Labour's two Eds, Balls and Miliband.
What does LAPM stand for? Is it "Look a pair of Muppets"? Is it every train traveller's nightmare? "Lardy arse and prat on mobile.
" Is it "lovers avoid public meeting"? Miliband is thinking, "Labour actually picked me?!" Or is Ed Miliband making his most important decision to date? "Large American, pepperoni, Margarita".
Is it just a state of the Labour Party in general, just "lumbering along pretty miserably"? Is it "Linda and Paul McCartney"? I haven't got my glasses on.
Is it "last administration pissed money"? That close to satire.
LAUGHTER Is it simply "lengthy article perplexes moron"? OK, let's get the answer.
Labour admits past mistakes.
Well, done.
Thank you very much.
CHEERING Yes, the answer I was looking for is Labour admits past mistakes.
This is the news that Labour has apologised for some serious failures during its 13 years in power.
Adopting a mea culpa strategy, Ed Miliband said the party got it wrong on immigration and Ed Balls apologised for their role in the banking crisis.
- Have you been following the conference? - Oh, yeah, avidly.
Ed Balls said that the financial crisis caught them by surprise, which is odd, because if there's one thing that balls do it's warn you there's about to be stuff coming.
LAUGHTER AND GROANS - Satire.
- Labour actually apologised over immigration as well.
- Yes.
Turns out that when they were in charge, when you were coming into the country, they had no record of who was leaving or coming into the country, which seemed like madness.
Whenever you came into the country, you had to give your passport in and they went bip.
I assumed that meant they knew when you were coming in.
Apparently not.
It didn't say, computer says "yes" or "no".
It might just as well have said, "Bip.
Baked beans, 39p.
" The last time I came into Stansted, I waited for ages in a queue.
I got to the front and I handed my passport to the guy.
He stared at me, like that.
Looked down, looked up.
Then he went "Can I have your autograph?" LAUGHTER My brother had to renew his driving license.
He had to get a photograph taken for that.
He went out the night before and he got absolutely wasted so when the photograph was taken, he was drunk.
I asked why he did it and he goes, "In case I get pulled over for drink driving.
" So they go, "No, no, that's what he looks like.
Drive on!" Still wearing the party hat! How did Ed Balls relax during the week? Football.
Playing football.
Photographs appeared everywhere of him playing football.
You know, granted It's not the most dignified at times.
He says he's committed.
There's gusto there.
He says he's not going to run for leadership.
Looks like he could waddle for it.
The photographs features this Making it look like midway through the match he stored nuts for the winter.
They were chanting "He's fat, he's round, he devalued the pound.
Eddie Balls!" The sponsorship logo is the National Grid.
Why are National Grid spending money to sponsor? What is our other option to get electricity around other than National Grid? Why do they need to advertise themselves? What else are we going to use? "This is the National Grid.
Do you get electricity from a guy with a bucket? "Don't do that.
Use plugs.
Plugs connect to us, the National Grid".
This is a football match between Labour MPs and journalists, apparently.
In the match report, it says that Labour had a disappointing left-wing.
That close to satire.
How popular is Miliband at the moment? How long is a piece of shitty string? Part-rhetorical but with the word "shitty" inside.
So, any idea where he is in the polls? He has a difficult job.
He has to keep the unions on side.
We don't want a coal strike like 1974 because that year there were a lot of snowmen without eyes.
LAUGHTER Isn't it that his personal rating is at an all-time low? It's minus 33 at the moment.
Does that mean 33 people have to like him for him to say, nobody likes me? It's a good line actually.
It's 16 and a half really.
It's a swing thing.
It's a good joke but mathematically, I can't let it pass.
Don't take this wrong, but fuck off.
At the risk of going off on a tangent LAUGHTER I am impressed with the TV coverage of the Labour Party conference, particularly Paxman.
He's come a long way from trying to eat dots and being chased by ghosts around a maze.
Never happier to say this.
In other news What is David Cameron doing to improve Britain's image abroad? David Cameron has decided he wants to put the "great" back in Britain.
He is worried after the riots people think it's called "Great" because it's the best place to start a fire.
It's a very clever joke, that got absolutely nothing.
LAUGHTER He's trying to promote Britain abroad.
He's trying to encourage people to come and shop in Britain.
They're worried that the rioters might have given a negative image to Britain abroad.
I think if you wanted to come to Britain for shopping, I don't think the riots would have put you off.
You'd have thought, brilliant! I can go shopping and I won't have to pay for any of it.
In this campaign, the posters include images like Richard Branson, Wallace and Gromit and Henry VIII - Yes.
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because it's what makes Britain great - late trains, wrong trousers and murdering your wife.
LAUGHTER I'll show you the posters, released by the Department of Culture, Media and Sport.
Countryside is Great (Britain).
It's difficult to even read them out loud.
It's GREAT (Britain).
Heritage is another one.
Henry VIII.
And my personal favourite is Green is Great Britain, which is clearly written by Yoda.
"It is Great Britain.
" And you can do it.
We banged up a couple just yesterday in the office.
I like this one.
It took two flushes, now I feel GREAT.
LAUGHTER Another favourite of mine, "Thanks, love, that was GREAT ".
That one with the trains is right because the trains are what makes Britain great.
They provide unparalleled views of the British countryside and they often provide them without the blurring effects of velocity.
LAUGHTER It's not very imaginative.
It's just nicked the idea from Frosties basically.
What next? "The Thames, it's so full of sewage it even turns the water chocolatey.
" LAUGHTER At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Holly and Andy.
APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Chortle Combat.
This game involves Milton, Holly and Chris.
Make your way to the performance area please.
This is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it stops, one of the performers steps forward and talks about that subject.
Here we go.
Spin the wheel.
The first subject is modern living.
Who wants to come in? Holly.
I recently changed where I live.
I moved house and I've moved to an area that I think a lot of Britain is like.
It's nice in some areas and scuzzy in others.
If you see a white tent on the side of the road you're not sure if it's a crime scene or a farmers' market.
When I bought it, my parents came to visit me and they gave me the most middle class moving-in present.
A visitor's book! That's really sweet.
But I live in a one-bedroom flat in Peckham.
If you come and stay with me, you have to stay in my bed.
And I'm not sure I want those people signing a book .
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with a comments box.
People seem to celebrate in really odd ways now.
People are into fancy dress.
That used to be a really American thing.
The British are really getting into it.
I hate fancy dress, I absolutely hate it.
I've had bad experiences.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as the Grim Reaper.
That's a pretty common choice of costume.
The only trouble is, I got the wrong address.
It was bad for me, even worse for the old lady who opened the door.
The harbinger of death standing apologising for being early, with a bottle of archers.
Thank you very much, Holly.
OK, let's spin the wheel again.
And subject is weather.
I'll do it, I've got this.
Weather is one of the things that shows the British are great big Jessie's.
Not the British people, there's a split here.
When it snows, Scottish people do this "Oh, look love, snow.
See you later.
" English people go, "Aahhh, God, this is the end of days!" When it snowed last year, the BBC were going, "Don't go out, it's minus two.
" "We don't know if humans can live in that temperature.
" "There are men made of snow with outstretched arms waiting for you!" "Don't go out!" The news always talks it up.
We're woefully under-prepared, woefully under-prepared.
Where's the salt? Where's the salt? Where's the salt? We're never going to run out of salt in this country, as long as supermarkets continue to do value meals, we'll be fine.
Fling a few lasagnes up the M1, you'll be grand.
Chinese meal for two, good for 40 miles, I should think.
They massively overplay this.
The news are the worst at it.
I was watching Sky News on the day after it snowed, the day of the lethal compacted ice.
Reporting from a rural spa where supplies were running low.
In an attempt to ramp up the tension, the reporter said, "This place is down to its last pack ".
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of croissants! Oh, the humanity! "Forced to eat pain au chocolat.
" Thank you very much, well done.
OK, that leaves us with Milton.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the topic is careers.
At college I studied agriculture and communications, specialising in sheep.
In the end, I came out with a BAA.
After that, I set up the British sheep census, but I fell asleep halfway through that.
At the end of the day, my dad goes round pulling out the plugs and turning out the lights.
Very safety conscious.
Why he got the sack from air traffic control My nephew, when he grows up, wants to be an accountant.
For his birthday, I bought him a great big bag of receipts.
Listen, don't worry if you don't like them, I've kept all the presents.
You know, when you're a pirate .
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and you work mainly canals .
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annoying, isn't it, when you try to get one of your enemies to walk the plank? They just run off down the tow path.
Mind you, the state of the tow path near us, I wouldn't touch it with a LAUGHTER That's the end of that round.
Come on and sit down.
Our next round is called, If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Holly, which would you like? Please may I have foreign news? Your category is foreign news.
The answer is 12 years, what is the question? Is it, how many years WKD has to be in an oak barrel before it's served? LAUGHTER Is it, how long will it take to get out of the Olympic car park afterwards? Is it, what's the record for being lost in an IKEA? What is the radioactive half-life of Cillit Bang? Is it, how long's it take to sun dry a tomato in Glasgow? How long does a minute in Jeremy Clarkson's company feel like? Is it, what did the group the Four Seasons temporarily rename themselves when they experimented with 44 extra members? Is it the average age of retirement for a cage fighter in Preston? Is it, how long can I hum for? Hummmmmmmmm! No, no it is not that.
OK, the correct answer? How long does it take to piss out those big cokes in the cinema? Is it, if someone was half my age, how old would they be? Is it how old do you have to be to think Dappy from N-Dubz is a musical genius? And finally, what age does Gary Glitter consider borderline?! Come on! You couldn't let Glitter go.
No way.
How long would Putin be allowed to serve as Russian President if he is elected next time? Yes, thank you very much.
The question is, for how many more years might Vladimir Putin be President of Russia, if he wins the next Russian election? Vladimir Putin ended speculation by announcing his intention to run for the President of Russia next year.
The likelihood is he'll win two terms, keeping him in power until 2024.
There's a huge debate about this.
There's fear in the West this will damage relationships with Russia.
Medvedev is more of a reformer.
It doesn't matter.
Medvedev, Putin, it doesn't matter who's in the Kremlin.
Whoever's in the Kremlin, you can't feed them after midnight and they mustn't come into contact with water.
May I point out to any of the agents watching, that it wasn't me who took the piss out of any of you.
There's no need to irradiate my food.
Irradiate Andy and Dara's food, they've already lost their hair.
It's a weird way to kill somebody, isn't it, irradiating their food? Irradiating sushi, in particular.
As a delivery method, a small conveyor belt seems like a random way to go, "Hee, hee "Soon he will take "No, he's left it.
It's coming back here, no!" "Which one is it?" That was David Cameron's problem.
He went to Russia about two weeks ago, didn't he? It was a difficult trip for Cameron because first of all he wasn't allowed to mention Litvinenko.
Even harder, for the whole trip he had to stop himself saying "simples".
That's the most awkward photo outside a Giggs family reunion.
Putin increasingly looks like the Terminator wrapped in the skin of Alf Stewart out of Home and Away.
That looks like a really bad thing from Madame Tussauds, doesn't it? You'd be pissed off if you paid 30 quid to see that.
It looks like Madame Tussauds by the guy who doesn't do hands very well.
I'm really good at faces, I do eyes but I can't do hands.
I just kind of hide them normally in jackets.
I prefer the phrase "chamber pot" to poo tin.
What new look has he been sporting recently? He got a face lift.
We think he did, yes.
Are we not allowed to say, "He had a face lift"? We don't know for definite.
I'm not saying this show would be in any danger, if it said specifically Putin had had a facelift.
I'm just saying she said That's all I said.
Who is this? Who is this running dog of the capitalist regime? Let's see the then and now of him.
This is what he looked like and how he looks like now.
He just has a crocodile clip in the back of his head.
It's possible he has had a face lift.
I don't think he has a Russian accent.
It's just that everybody sounds like it when their face is like this.
"Help me, I can't feed myself.
" In other news, what have scientists been worked up about this week? Apparently Einstein might be wrong and maybe something can travel faster than light.
I'm not surprised by this because I have got those energy saving light bulbs.
What I like to do is turn them all on at 2pm because that way, by the time it gets dark, they're throwing out a bit of light.
I love that picture of Einstein.
I always think they just airbrushed Marilyn Monroe out of the photo.
What they've airbrushed out of that is a nine-volt battery.
This whole thing about Einstein and the speed of light.
- Dara, you know about this.
- I do, a little bit.
The whole thing is that apparently time isn't constant.
If you're travelling, like, time slows down.
The way he proved it was based on the fact that the speed of light is constant.
So maybe How can the speed of something be constant if time itself is not? When speed is measured Yeah but this is the time outside the frame of reference of the thing that's travelling.
Is there anybody in the audience whose brain is currently hurting? If you're a beam of light, if you're the beam of light I am a shining beam of light! No, Ed, you're a beautiful snowflake.
It's all going to kick off later on.
If you're a beam of light there is no time for you.
A beam of light appears everywhere simultaneously.
What do you mean? If you're a beam of light, it is your time to shine.
I'm not turning this into Glee.
It's where you want to go with this, right? The speed of light How fast is the speed of light relative to say hot cakes? Is it What about a rat up a drain pipe? Faster or slower than shit off a shovel? Marginally so than shit off a shovel but rats still can't match it.
I heard that the neutrinos travelled from Switzerland to Italy faster than Nazi gold after the war.
While they were travelling, was time not different for them? For them Jesus! For them, yes.
Ed, don't worry your head about it.
You're a beautiful snowflake.
What I like about this is that loads of people who have absolutely no understanding of physics have had to sit down and try and work out complicated things.
Like previous to this, I thought that Einstein's Theory Of Relativity and Einstein's Theory Of Special Relativity, meant cousins, no, second cousins, yes.
I don't think light travels that fast.
I don't know if you've tried running with a torch.
It's all very complicated.
Yes, Ed, it is.
I would love that to be people's final word on the whole thing.
It's all very complicated so don't worry your pretty little head.
At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
Make your way over to the performance area.
I'll read out the topics and we'll see what the panellists can come up with.
The first subject is Bad things to say in a job interview.
When I said I was a Yale student, I studied key cutting at Mr Minute.
Why do I, we, I, we Want this job? Don't tell him.
I have to.
No, no, no, no.
I applaud your policy of positive discrimination and that's why I blacked up.
Erm, can I just check, this office is more than 50 metres from a school? What do you mean no experience? If being abducted by aliens isn't an experience, then I don't know what is.
Well, yes, I would make the perfect train driver.
I'm always late and I break down really easily.
I think I'd make a very good diplomat.
I'd like to live in Paris, with all the other parasites.
What do I see myself doing in five years' time? Exactly the same, only on Dave.
Thank you for seeing me.
I hope you don't mind if I stay sat down for a moment.
I've got a little erection bubbling away.
No, emu, no, no.
No.
What can I bring to this job? How about the photocopier from my last office? Yes, well I'm In spite of my lack of medical experience, I still think of gynaecology as a calling.
What are my weaknesses? Fat birds.
The next topic is Unlikely things to hear on a consumer programme.
This week on Watchdog, another shower of gullible twats ask us to make sense of their piss poor decision making.
Welcome to Watchdog, here's a dog But when he asked the cold callers for their identification, they shot Mr Bin Laden with an AK-47.
I would like to complain about the boomerang I bought.
I threw it, but it next came BACK! This week, we investigate bikini waxing strips.
Are they just a rip off? Tonight, we're investigating fencing and why I got tickets for that instead of the 100 metres final, which is what I wanted.
Many of you who have bought Death Stars have emailed us complaining about a security problem with one of the exhaust vents.
Although Austin the butcher claims that's his sausages are made of premium meat we can reveal that's bollocks.
The cruise had a 1940s theme and Tom and Vera were delighted, until they were sunk by a U-boat in the North Atlantic.
I didn't ask for it.
Didn't order it.
I don't even want it and it doesn't even work.
We have more views on the coalition after the break.
What was sold as a vibrator is clearly just a Taser with a stale sausage attached to it.
But something was wrong with the car.
The clock said 63,000 miles, while the milometer said quarter past three.
I would like to complain about the sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport.
There's nice big portions on the conveyor but they do taste luggagey.
Hey, Watchdog, I'm extremely pissed off with this product.
I bought Just For Men.
My wife used and now I am gay.
Identity theft is on the increase.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
We work, so he doesn't have to.
OK, points to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Chris, Hugh and Milton.
Commiserations Andy, Holly and Ed.
Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O'Briain, good night.