Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ed Byrne, Stewart Francis, Adam Hills

1 This programme contains some strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Adam Hills and Ed Byrne.
Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called Headliners.
Here's a picture of the Prime Minister with two colleagues, but what does CAFS stand for? Is it George Osborne's middle names? Crepuscular Addendum Fandango Sousaphone? Is it couldn't arrange a fondle in a strip club? Cocky, aristocratic, foppish and smug.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Could it be Charlie's Angels, the failed sequel? Is it cruising area for sex? Is it, in fact, from left to right, clueless, albino face, slaphead? APPLAUSE That's just abuse, by the way you're applauding there.
That's not actual satire.
That's just being rude about him.
Is Cameron simply saying, "Crikey, a fox.
Splendid!" Written all over the toilets here is "Chris Addison fancies Stewart.
" I'm going to move towards the correct answer.
- OK, is it Cameron apologises for sexism? - Yes, it is.
Well done.
Thank you very much.
Yes, the answer I was looking for is Cameron apologises for sexism.
This is the news that David Cameron has apologised for remarks he made in the House of Commons that were interpreted as being sexist.
Speaking before the Conservative conference, he said he screwed up and must do better.
The apology is seen as a way for him to woo back female voters.
Now, do we know what the incidents were? Yes, he said apparently to one of the MPs in the house, "Calm down, dear.
" - Yes.
- Now, that is a sad thing when you've got to basically impersonate Michael Winner.
Meanwhile, George Osborne is behind him going, "What we need to do is stimulate the European meerkat.
" He's apologised for them and he's actually said now to woo women voters that he doesn't regard women as beneath him.
He doesn't want them to do menial jobs like making tea, because he's got Nick Clegg to do that for him.
He apologised later in the Sunday Times.
These are his exact words Even the fact that one of his best friends may have been a woman till he totted it up in his head and went, "No, I can't back that up.
" As the closest thing to a woman on this panel LAUGHTER .
.
Chris, is what Cameron said offensive? Speaking for the sisterhood Cameron talked about his problems with women to Andrew Marr.
Now, there is a man who would understand that.
A man who took out a super-injunction to prevent people talking about the fact he was having a fling with a journalist.
If you're going to have an affair, don't have it with somebody who writes for a living.
Have it with Wayne Rooney.
He's never going to write about it.
You think Rooney has days when he's got to write down his own name, he has to check the back of his shirt and even then he writes down "ten.
" There was another comment he made to the MP Peter Bone, who apparently has tendencies to ask questions referring to his wife.
Saying, this would certainly make Mrs Bone and would use her as an every woman in the questions.
- But he referred to her once after one question.
- Cameron said I think Mr Bone has a point.
I tried to look this up and I Googled "Peter Bones wife" and I didn't get anything done for the next two hours! It does sound like a child's pornography book, doesn't it? See Peter's wife.
Peter Bones' wife.
He also said, a quote from Cameron, "I'm aware that women are not as supportive of the coalition as others.
" Now, who are these others? He means men.
He can't even be bothered to call us people, can he? Moving on, what did Cameron say in all these interviews that the British were very good at? - Inventing.
- Inventing, yes.
An actual quote from him was: I don't know what we used to do before you invented DNA here.
What he doesn't realise is, in Australia, the DNA spirals the opposite direction.
APPLAUSE Don't you just refer to it as AND? It's worth remembering you can invent something and not be good at it.
Like Britain also invented rugby and cricket.
AUDIENCE GROANS Who did win the last two Ashes? APPLAUSE Please, please, we are not going to let any of that childish name-calling from an Australian If this was about the hurling, you'd be all over this shit.
I was actually going to point out that Ireland beat Australia but what the hell? I would just like to mention that I was out there for the cricket over the winter.
Very enjoyable.
And nothing better than hearing the Barmy Army sing to the Australian fans, Send her victorious Happy and glorious Long to reign over YOU And follow it up with, Your next Queen is Camilla Parker Bowles Camilla Parker Bowles You very much brought that on yourself.
- Who might George Osborne have offended during his speech? - Eric Pickles? - Yes.
LAUGHTER All right, it's not a great photograph of poor Eric Pickles.
Find a great photograph of Eric Pickles.
He's so Dickensian.
In every photograph he's, "Good evening, Eric Pickles here.
You shall work on Christmas Day!" "You should be glad of it.
Have some coal.
That's all you're getting.
" You expect him to lift his hat and a little ham sandwich to fall out.
He's always referred to as Eric Pickles.
Never as Mr Pickles.
And that is possibly because Mr Pickles makes him sound like a cat.
One of those overweight cats that has to back itself into a corner to clean itself.
LAUGHTER Moving on.
Please, move on.
- What's happening to the traditional police station announced this week? - It's closing.
- No.
- They're not all closing.
- You make it sound like there's one.
There's one traditional police station and we've decided to close it.
It was like they were getting rid of all police.
They are getting rid of the public counter, where you go to get your passport photo signed.
Now you phone up and you use the automated phone system.
It's not like phoning for cinema tickets.
It's not like they are going to go, "Did you say London?" "If you are being stabbed, press two.
" "Did you say there was a bugler in your house?" "No, not a bugler.
" "If there is a bugler in your house tell him to stop bugling.
" "Bugling loudly in a house after 11pm is an offence "and you may be arrested by the police.
" "All right, send them!" Basically, they should do what they did the post offices.
Just put them in branches of WH Smith.
"Thank you very much for reporting this murder, ma'am.
"Just before you go, would you like a massive Dairy Milk for a quid?" The grey area is, what is and what is not an emergency.
Are you going, "Aaargh" - emergency.
No? Not emergency.
Are you speaking really quietly because someone's in the house? PLAYS IMAGINARY BUGLE I'm being attacked by the man from Lurpak butter! That would be really weird if the guy from Lurpak butter attacked you.
MIMICS TROMBONE "I think I can hold him off until the heating kicks in.
" Imagine waking up and going, "Is this a non-emergency number?" "Yes, there's been a burglary in my house.
" "Why is it not an emergency?" "Oh, I shot him, so take your time.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "He's not going anywhere.
" OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Adam and Andy.
Now we play a round called Thinking Outside The Mocks.
This game involves Stewart, Ed and Adam, so if you make your way to the performance area, please.
This is a stand-up challenge.
I launch a wheel of news and wherever it stops, one performer must talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is - Kids.
Who wants to come in on that? - Sorted.
I know about this now.
Ah! Yes, kids.
I became a dad nine months ago and I haven't let it change my life completely.
I don't want to be one of those people who prefaces a statement with the phrase, "Speaking as a parent.
" Speaking as a parent? Gather round, everyone, he's speaking as a parent.
Bring the people from the other room.
He's speaking as a parent.
No, he was only speaking as an arsehole before.
Now he's speaking as a parent.
So, sage one, speak.
Tell us your wisdom.
Impart your knowledge.
Speaking as a parent.
Doesn't that make you want to stab them as a maniac? The thing is, you read the books.
There's loads of books you can buy on being a parent.
That's why I get really annoyed when people use that excuse for their bad parenting.
They always go, "Kids, they don't come with an instruction manual, do they?" No, you have to buy one.
They're, like, seven quid.
One thing the books warned me about, it hasn't turned out to be a problem, books warned me that sometimes the man can become jealous of the affection the woman gives the child.
The only issue I've had in that direction is that when I burp I get frowned at.
And when he does it, he gets a round of applause.
It's not fair.
Why is his wind so much more exciting than mine? My wife spends an hour getting wind out of him.
Will she pull my finger? No, she will not.
Thank you very much, Ed.
OK, let's spin the wheel again.
The subject is Travel.
Who wants to give me that? Adam.
I'd like to say something, because Stewart Francis is here.
I love Canada.
I like it.
CHEERING Canadians are normally politest, quietest people on the planet.
The first time I went to Canada, I went to Toronto.
In Toronto, they had the world's tallest tower and were half an hour from Niagara Falls.
Not one person boasted about it.
If I landed in an American city with the tallest tower, it would be, "Good afternoon.
Welcome to Boston.
"HOME OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDING!" The only reason I knew it was Canada was, I went to the hotel reception and went, "What should I do today?" The guy went, "Maybe check out the CN Tower?" Oh really? Why is that? "Oh, no reason.
" "I just think you might like it.
" I go to the top and it wasn't even a big thing.
Just a plaque that went CN Tower, world's tallest building.
I went back that night and went, "It's the world's tallest building!" And he went, "Oh, that's right.
" "Thought you might like it.
How do you feel about waterfalls?" The thing I love most about Canada, is they have Braille on their banknotes.
Canadian money has Braille on it so blind people know how much money they give over.
What an amazing country.
They are bilingual, have same-sex marriages, and they have Braille on their banknotes.
Canada's the only place where blind French lesbians can get married and pay for it in cash.
Thank you very much, Adam Hills.
OK, that leaves us with Stewart.
Let's see what topic you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
It's Romance.
That was terrific, by the way, Adam.
Oh, thank you, Stewart.
You're welcome.
Ladies, in bed I like to spoon.
Anybody else do heroin? Am I guilty of being romantic? You be the judge.
A bottle of champagne on ice, the dulcet voice of Luther Vandross fills the air.
A trail of rose petals lead to a bed on which I'm lying naked.
The bedroom door slowly opens and I whisper those three special words.
Happy birthday, Dad.
When women see me naked, they say I look like a Greek God.
Hermaphrodite? What's he? I like my women the way I like my skis - rented.
With a little wax on their bottom.
I'm a very lucky man, I have an amazing wife who has given me three incredibleblow jobs.
Romance! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you very much.
At the end of that round the points go to Adam and Ed, come on, sit down! Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? - On the board are six categories.
Adam, which category? - I'd like home news.
The answer is ten.
What is the question? Is it how many times does Shane Warne have to say the sentence, "No, really, I'm engaged to Liz Hurley," before people believe him? We love that in Australia.
That is our favourite story of the year.
You can keep the World Cup and the Ashes.
Done.
And you can keep Liz Hurley! Is it how many days are there in the Greek tax year? APPLAUSE Is it in what year was Jesus ten? Is it the age lover boy Dara first lost hishair? What is a cruel name to give your child if your surname is Pin Bowling? Is it in fact, how many words has Zara Phillips said to Mike Tindall since touching down in New Zealand? How many members of the House of Lords claimed for leaping duties on the tenth day of Christmas last year? Erm, no! Is it what is a cruel name to give your child is your surname is Snervous Headache? Is it how many people will be on Bournemouth beach next weekend? Is it the number of stolen doughnuts I can fit on my penis? Why do they have to be stolen? You don't want to pay for one that's going to be wasted on your penis! Don't you all pay for your penis doughnuts? What number sounds the most dramatic if you say it three times? Ten, ten, tennnn! Can I have the correct answer? What force gale comes out of Eric Pickles on Curry Thursday? APPLAUSE How many years before David Walliams gets the taste of sewage out of his mouth? How many Shredded Wheat constitute a lethal overdose? How about, how often do I have to ask you for the correct answer? Please, in the name of mercy - Is it how much do they want to increase the speed limit by? - It is exactly that.
Thank you very much, Ed Byrne.
APPLAUSE Yes, I was looking for, by how many miles per hour is the Government looking to raise the motorway speed limit? This is the news that the Government has announced proposals to raise the motorway speed from 70 to 80 miles per hour by 2013.
There will be a period of consultation later in the year and the first 80 miles per hour motorways and large dual carriageways could exist within two years.
Regardless, you will still get people driving in the middle lane when there is nobody else around.
The reason is, they think it's safer.
It's not safer, because everyone coming up behind them drives like an idiot.
Some people try to overtake on the inside, some come up behind them, start flashing them.
I saw one bloke recently, right? He overtook on the outside, then slowed down on the inside so as he could overtake on the outside again.
He started doing a doughnut around them! The idea is that they say it will help the economy, because if there are more road deaths that will lower unemployment.
How much quicker would you do a 50-mile journey? Five minutes.
People are going, "I can get there five minutes faster? "I think I'll stay in bed.
" The real problem here for the environment is that, you know, your wife comes home earlier, catches you with somebody else, burns all of your stuff and that releases carbon emissions.
If you are doing somebody else and not allowing five minutes' gap between shutting the door and you're wife arriving in, you're cutting it very fine.
You have to schedule this far better than that.
- There is a terrifying feeling of knowledge coming off you! - I can fake knowledge about anything.
Dara O Briain, agony uncle! I don't want to live in a country with average speed cameras, do you? I hate average.
I want to live in a country with really good speed cameras.
Which weather records were broken recently? This has been the hottest October since Record Breakers finished? It made lots of people incredibly happy, some just sitting in the sun, others phoning up British Gas, going, "Ha ha ha ha ha!" APPLAUSE Whenever there is a heat wave, I love you guys, you just disrobe.
I haven't seen that much skin since I was in a hot tub with Brian Blessed.
- BOOMING VOICE: - "That is a loofah.
" It was just a chance for the press to roll out their sleazy photographs again.
It's as if there's an agency you ring, "We need sleazy photographs!" "Where are the guys who do the A-level results, "they've not been busy for a few weeks.
" There's a photograph of one girl.
Do we have it? - What a photo! - The fish and chips! They're going, "It's the fish and chips you want?" "Oh yeah, love.
Yeah, yeah.
" "If you could just eat one.
" "More slowly.
In, out, in, out.
Oh, lovely chips.
" "Just let the grease drip on you.
" Do you think the photographer said, "Hang on, I'm going to get a 'Sepp Blatter'.
" APPLAUSE My favourite Get rid of the tits and the chips, thank you! And other things you've said in hotels before now.
"Quick, my wife is coming, get rid of the chips and the tits!" Anyway, my favourite thing is when they say, and "It was hotter than Mexico!" Like we are in a battle with Mexico! Finally, finally, Mexico, stick that in your sombrero, hotter than you.
Somewhere in Guadalajara there is a man going, "Oh, no, we have to take down the sign.
" A giant sign saying, "This many days since it was hotter in Bournemouth!" "Pedro, take down the sign, they've won, we start again tomorrow.
" I read in the papers that Jersey was boasting it had been hotter than Hawaii, but Hawaii didn't collaborate with the Nazis, so Swings and roundabouts! It wasn't good for everyone.
Tesco said that they sold 3 million extra burgers and 800,000 sausages, so while we were enjoying it, pigs and cows were looking up going, "Oh, shit.
" It made me realise why British people never plan barbecues, because you never know when it's going to be nice weather.
I was going, "This is lovely, we should have people over next weekend.
" My friends were going, "It's only going to last a day.
" I realised why British barbeques are so frantic.
"Terry, the sun's out, get to Tesco, get some sausages, "get one of those little barbecues, we've only got a few minutes.
" Barbecue - start.
People have managed to turn it round into a complaint, because it's over! People go, "It's over, isn't it? Now there's a hurricane, it's all cold," but that's life.
Everything balances out.
Yin and yang.
For everything nice, you get something nasty.
That's why funfairs are run by the most threatening people you've ever met in your life! OK, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart! OK, now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
If you can make your way over to the performance area, I'll read out the topics and we'll see what our panels come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Unlikely Instructions.
Please, do not use this electrical appliance whilst in the bath.
Actually, you know what? Go on.
If you're that dumb, we can afford to lose you.
Nick Clegg feng shui - move everything to the right for an easier life.
Pot Noodle, for best results put back on the shelf! If pain persists, see a doctor.
Just make sure it's not Michael Jackson's doctor.
To light gas, first place match near buttocks.
One of these condoms has got a hole in it.
Are you feeling lucky, punk?! Dale Farm yoghurt.
Contents may settle.
APPLAUSE Please return these assembly instructions in case you want to disassemble the furniture, when you realise moving in with her wasn't the best move after all.
Instructions for sandwich toaster - week one, eat nothing but toasted sandwiches.
Week two, put in cupboard and never use again! If unsure how to apply condom, take banana and beat erection with it until it goes away! Enjoy your animal-shaped biscuits.
Do not eat if seal is broken! APPLAUSE To reboot, pick up boots and put them on again! APPLAUSE Congratulations on your new bread maker.
Woo, I bet Kingsmill are quaking in their boots! Game is over either when one player collects all cheeses, or Daddy has a tantrum and kicks the board across the room.
Are your hands full but you want to transfer ten doughnuts? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK.
The next topic is Unlikely Things To Hear In A Restaurant.
Let's skip the pudding, you look like you've had enough already.
Wow, thanks for picking up the bill, Dara! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE No, I'm sorry, we don't have snail porridge.
No, this isn't owned by Heston Blumenthal, this is Heston Services.
How does crispy aromatic duck sound? Quack quack, but that was before it was crispy or aromatic.
Do I have a reservation? Well, I'm not sure about all these Polish people moving over here.
APPLAUSE - HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: - Table for two, please, but no food.
I'm a woodworm.
This is a traditional Greek restaurant.
So don't worry if you can't pay, the German government will cover it! APPLAUSE You'd like a Fosters? HE SNORTS Hang on, I'll see if we have any left.
Barry, any Fosters? Yeah, keg's nearly full, Jim.
Here's the tip.
If you find the rest of the chef's penis, please let us know.
GROANS AND LAUGHTER Have you been to a Harvester before? I'm joking, no-one comes twice! It's nice to see the rugby players getting along with the dwarfs.
That's an unusual taste, isn't it? what's in this death by choc It's nice to see Zara and Mike getting along.
Yes, it is all-you-can-eat night, that's why you can't come in, Mr Pickles! Oh, my God, there's a man's face in me soup and it looks just like me.
Excellent choice, sir.
This lady is much fitter than your wife.
Hmm? Rose for the lady? If you want to do something for the lady, why don't you fuck off! The points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart! That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
CHEERING Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Adam Hills and Ed Byrne.
Thank you for watching, I'm Dara O'Briain.
Good night.