Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Gary Delaney, Marcus Brigstocke, Zoe Lyons

1 Read about the things that happen throughout the world But don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .
Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstocke.
Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE INAUDIBLE CHAT We start tonight with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Gary, which would you like? I would like Home News, please, Dara.
OK, the category is Home News.
And the answer is 35 billion.
What is the question? Is it, how many times have people hit refresh on the NatWest website this week? LAUGHTER Is it, in fact, how much I told the NatWest call centre I have in my account at the moment? Is it, what is God's next significant birthday? Is it, how many days do we have left of the Olympic torch relay? After how many years does a bottle of Cillit Bang become safe to handle? Is it how many calories there are in a cheese and Eric Pickles sandwich? Is, in fact, if you borrow a pound off Wonga.
com, how much you will have to pay back? Is it, according to the Daily Mail, how many children does an average Somalian family have? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it, how many episodes have there been of the long-running drama, Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You've got to stop going on about that, Hugh.
You've just got to CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN: .
buck up.
Is it what number Dappy from N-Dubz is in line to the throne? Is it, how much will I win if War Horse wins the Derby? LAUGHTER Is it, how many years older than her face does Madonna's neck look? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it, how many extra tissues have been used worldwide since the publication of Fifty Shades of Grey? Is it very moving, then, is it? Makes you cry, does it? I've not read it.
I'd like to move towards the correct answer.
I know the answer.
How many comedians have phoned their accountants this week? Is this, actually, how much is our tax gap in the UK? Absolutely right.
Thank you, Zoe Lyons.
Well done.
Very good.
APPLAUSE Yes, the question I was looking for was, how much money does the Treasury lose due to tax avoidance in a year? This comes in a week when a number of famous faces were linked to tax avoidance schemes.
Prime Minister David Cameron was criticised for singling out comedian Jimmy Carr's behaviour as "morally wrong," while remaining silent on other individuals' questionable tax arrangements.
So who wants to comment on this? Who wants to get onto their moral high horse? The thing was, the viewing figures for Eight Out Of Ten Cats - doubled last week? - Yes.
So I think it's only fair, you, as the host of Mock The Week, either you need to do some dodgy accountancy practices or maybe just host a prostitute-Nazi party and we'll all expect an invite.
Can I do plan B? I've got a brilliant tax avoidance scheme that I use personally.
It's just, earn sod all.
That's how I This scheme basically, the K2 scheme, is where they sort of hide your money for a while - and then they give it you back at a later date.
- Yes.
There's a much easier way of doing that.
Just bank with NatWest.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I feel sorry for Jersey, because they're now trying to shake off the, sort of, tax avoidance tag and get back to their traditional reputation as Nazi sympathisers.
They all have really aggressive names.
They're called K2, and Peak Performance and Ice Breaker.
It is very difficult to tell tax avoidance schemes from protein shakes.
They do sound like something that will both save you money and build muscle mass.
Do you know who I feel really bad for? Who I think suffered the most? - Is it the children? - No, not the children.
Why don't you care about the children?! What the hell?! - You're heartless! - I don't NOT care about the children! Do you know who I feel sorry for? Alan Carr.
Alan Carr has probably in the last week fielded any number of questions from people who didn't quite know which one it was.
Alan Carr has just about shaken off people going, "How do I stop smoking?" And now he's got to talk about tax avoidance.
The person I feel sorry for is the lady who's apparently got the @NatWest Twitter name, a lady called Natalie Westerman.
The amount of abuse she's had this week! None of us can claim complete cleanliness in terms of tax avoidance, particularly if you're self-employed, because there are schemes, film investment schemes, for example, that a lot of people have put money into.
I myself, I have to say this, am part of a film investment scheme.
I have put all my savings into the big budget production of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
Well, I think that's very wise.
I do.
Well, you're involved as well.
I mean, because, I play the role of Morag, the nurse.
in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think we're going to make a lot of money back.
Me and Hugh are involved, yeah.
CHRIS: Does that say, "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock?" It's nice to know where the budget for this show goes, isn't it? I want it noted how well I look as a nurse.
Surprisingly fitting.
Big shoulders, er GARY: You've got a hint of the Readers' Wives about you there.
If you turned up at my bed in a hospital I'd discharge myself straightaway.
Listen, I have no doubt that you'd discharge yourself.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Why have Michael Gove and Nick Clegg clashed recently? It's Gove, as in move.
It's pronounced, "Goove".
- "Goove"? - Yeah, Michael "Goove".
- It's Michael "Goove"? - It's Michael "Goove".
- You say this and I'd have to go with it, because I've no idea.
It's true.
It's pronounced, "Goove".
OK, why have Michael "Goove" and Nicholas "Claig" Why have Michaelthing? Because, Michael "Goove" announced a massive education reform proposal and didn't tell either David Cameron or Nick Clegg, or anyone else, including his friends and family.
They're looking to sort of bring back O- and A-levels, because they think that GCSEs have been devalued by people getting too many good grades.
I don't think that's the issue.
It's just that they've just moved the marking centre to Liverpool, so now it's all LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "A, A, A, A, A!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE After tuition fees, though, Nick Clegg talking anything about education is somewhat tricky, isn't it? And obviously, you know, I feel that students will never, ever forgive him for his U-turn on tuition fees.
So maybe he should just go the other way, and actually have MORE of a go at students, because I think it could be a vote winner.
So maybe try and tax Lynx aftershave, tax Super Noodles, tax people with their pants showing.
I think it could be, could be on to something.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it weird, because I didn't come through that system.
is it.
? No, and I think it shows.
I think it shows.
I did come through A system, thank you very much.
What system did you come through, then? I came through the Irish education system, where we don't tinker quite as much as you do.
Don't make that joke! Don't make that joke! It's been the same for years, the Irish education system.
Because you're graded from too-ra-loo-ra-As down to fiddle-dee-Ds.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Applause?! - ANDY: We're all looking for the Chris Addison Dublin gig on the next tour.
No, going with the O-levels, was there some special magical time with the O-levels? - HUGH: The O levels? - Yes.
It was a magical time, but it was roughly the same time as I lost my virginity, that's why.
That was a hell of a French oral.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is calling for the O-levels the political equivalent of going, "Oh, I wish they'd put Top Of The Pops back on.
" Yeah, spinsters on bikes.
He basically wants the '80s back.
He wants everyone driving an Austin Allegro, because they were great.
I get the impression you lost your virginity in an Austin Allegro No.
I think you lost it TO an Austin Allegro.
My, that exhaust pipe was hot.
I lost mine to an escort.
Does that count? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE At the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Our next round is called Newsreel.
We play in a recent piece of footage featuring people in the news, and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
This week's clip features the Prince of Wales.
HUGH AS PRINCE CHARLES: Right, here we go.
Next pub.
Five down, four to go.
Six pints in each.
- HE LAUGHS - Oh, what an enormous television! I can put my hand right through! How do you do that? Is it 3D? It's very real.
We're a serving hatch in a pub.
Yes, I knew that Anyway, I tell you what.
I'll have a pint of that, please.
That is a charity collecting tin.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Is it? I knew that! I knew that! In that case, I'll have whatever's in the barrel.
A pint of Clungeplunger, please.
And a packet of porky scratchings.
Unless you've got any biscuits.
Duchy Originals.
I don't have to pay for them, you see, because I own the company.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - I was saying to these fellas, I only drink warm bitter at the moment.
Well, you would, if you'd spent four hours on a sodding royal barge Yes, feel that.
Still freezing.
It's weeks ago.
Freezing! Feel my hands.
Still freezing.
Oh, look! Lovely.
A pint of bitter.
I love bitter, don't you? It's almost as British as will.
am wants to be.
- AUDIENCE LAUGHS - Anyway, down the hatch.
Get it down you, Zulu warrior! Oh, no, that's a bit off, I think.
Yes, I tell you what, I think the old pipes need a bit of a clean.
As they said to Prince Philip.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS I tell you what, here's a question.
Are pints getting smaller or is my hand getting bigger? Show me the way to go home Can you show me the way to go home? To be honest, it could be almost anywhere because I have an enormous number of homes.
I tell you what, why don't you join us on the next stage of the pub crawl? I think it might be The Crown and The Sceptre.
That's as close as I'm going to get to either of them.
- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Well done, Hugh! Well done! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, now we play a round called Shut Your Loophole.
This game involves Gary, Zoe and Chris.
So, if you could make your way to the performance area.
This is a stand up challenge.
I launch the wheel of news and wherever it chooses to stop, someone must step forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
- Here we go.
Let's spin the wheel.
- WHEEL WHIRS First subject is the internet.
Who wants to come in on that? Zoe.
Ah, the internet! Love the internet.
That actually reminds me, cos I've got to keep an eye on the time.
I'm bidding on something on eBay this evening.
It's Greece.
LAUGHTER It's just me and Germany going head-to-head.
Fingers crossed! I've got one of those Twitter trolls.
I'm hip with the kids.
I've got a Twitter troll.
They're horrible things, though, these Twitter trolls because they send you abuse online.
The thing I really hate about it is it's anonymous.
That's what really annoys me.
It's the awful things they say.
"You're not funny, Zoe Lyons.
" "Call yourself a comedian?!" "Of all of my children, you're the least favourite.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I get a lot of junk mail as well.
People find it annoying, but I think it's always worth going through.
You might miss a bargain.
Only this week I went through my junk mail and now I have cleverly consolidated all of my bank accounts into one Nigerian account LAUGHTER .
and I have a much bigger penis.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, let's spin the wheel again.
Who wants to come in on that? - I'll do that! - Chris! It's getting very expensive to travel abroad.
I don't fly abroad any more.
You could go by easyJet, but I don't fly easyJet.
I'm too scared to fly easyJet.
I'm sure they're perfectly safe.
I'm sure their pilots are second to none, best planes you could ask for, but imagine if you were on an easyJet flight, and you did crash on a snowy mountain top and you all survived.
Would you want to eat those people? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I won't have a shepherds pie from Asda.
I'm not having some woman in cerise leggings.
It's not happening.
easyJet is essentially a middle class plot to keep BA to ourselves.
It's the same reason we're opening up M&S Food on the motorway.
That's so we've got somewhere to stop where you're not sat next to someone going, "What's a COCKING panini?!" And now, thank God, Waitrose on the motorway.
I was in Waitrose not on the motorwayI was in Waitrose near where I live, and there was a woman ahead of me in the basket queue.
She had two items in her basket.
She had a tin of SlimFast and a pregnancy test kit.
LAUGHTER She was thinking, "Well, it's one or the other.
" APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Chris.
Well done.
OK, that leave us with Gary.
Let's see what topic you have.
Let's spin the wheel.
And it's Relationships.
It's good to be here.
Last time I was here, a girl asked me for sex.
I had to disappoint her.
We had sex.
I'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover.
I got a DVD, How To Improve Your Foreplay Technique.
It was really good.
I had to fast-forward through the boring bit at the beginning.
I couldn't be bothered with that.
Last night I had beef stew with dumplings.
I shouldn't call her that, but she's a big girl.
I went to see the stalactites at Cheddar Gorge, and our guide asked us not to try and crack one off, and she wasn't even that attractive.
I still managed.
It was very dark.
This morning, I went to a meeting of my premature ejaculators' support group.
But it turns out it's tomorrow.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think a few men started clapping before the end of that joke, by the way.
My girlfriend's dog died.
So to cheer her up, I got her an identical one.
She was livid.
"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?" A friend of mine had a penis extension.
Now his house looks really stupid.
At the end of that round, the points go to Gary Delaney! Well done.
Come back, come back.
Our next round is called Headliners.
Here's a picture of the England football team, but what does PHFE stand for? Is it everything that the England football team are no good at? Passing, Headers, Footwork, Everything.
(ANDY PARSONS) I think if it's to do with Rooney, I reckon it's Potato Head Fancies Elderly.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it what Steven Gerrard thinks is wrong with the team.
Is it - MOCK SCOUSE ACCENT: - Passin', Headin', Football, Ehh I think it's proof that education needs reform.
Two of those men were asked to write GCSE.
Do you know that if you dial the number on their shorts, you get through to a helpline? Ashley Cole is covering his ears as if trying to protect himself from some awful screech, so is it Player Hears From Ex? Is it just simply Players' Heads Found Empty? Is it an extract from Boris Johnson's commentary? Peasants, Halfwits, Fools, Ectophytes! I'm going to move you towards a correct answer.
Pregnant Hooker Frightens England.
Is it, as it sadly always is, Penalty Heartache For England? Yes, it is.
Thank you very much, Zoe.
APPLAUSE Yes, the answer I was looking for was Penalty Heartache For England.
This is the news that, after reaching the quarter-final stages of Euro 2012, England suffered penalty agony yet again, as they crashed out of the tournament in a shoot-out against Italy, watched by a peak audience of 23 million people.
- Were you all watching it? - Yes.
We weren't very good, were we? We couldn't hold the ball very well.
And there was one moment, wasn't there? Where the referee There was an Italian injury, and so he had to stop the play, and then he gave the ball back to the English players, but explained to them that he wanted them to give it back to the Italians.
And I was thinking, "He didn't have to explain.
They were going to do that anyway.
" "Just let the game proceed as normal for 30 seconds.
"They'll get it, they'll get it, they'll get it back.
" The whole game was very unfair.
The Italians had a ball.
Why didn't we have one? We lost on penalties didn't we? Right, which was very disappointing, and we went out.
But if you look on the bright side, really all that's happened is we would've played Germany in the next round, so all's that happened is we've lost on penalties four days earlier than we would've.
In many ways, we've got those four days back.
We've got those four days back.
I think that it was a very telling statistic, wasn't it? That England's most frequent passer was Ashley Cole, with 44 passes, including the last one, of course, to the Italian goalkeeper in the form of a penalty.
Who was their second most frequent passer? Would it have been Joe Hart, the goalkeeper? He was playing with a lot of excitement.
- Joe Hart in the goal, though.
God love him, he did his best.
- He did a great job.
He did his little kind of bear thing before each penalty.
He was like, "Rrr.
I'm your little tiger, "I'm going be a tiger, and I'm going to scare you.
" He was doing little mimes in the goal-line.
It was more like an uncle with a three-year-old.
"Oh, I'm a bear.
I'm going to chase you.
" "You want to kick the ball now?" "Who's got a good kick? Who's got a good kick?" "Ooooh.
" Oh, you have got a good kick.
My favourite quarter-final was, in fact, Greece against Germany, because I was hoping when the referee tossed the coin at the beginning, the Greek captain would nick it and piss off.
APPLAUSE It seems to me I'm a non-football fan.
The penalty thing seems a very cruel and arbitrary way of sorting it out.
Cos they could do so many exciting things, like keep playing and every two minutes, take a player off.
- Yep.
- Once you're down to five, introduce a lion.
Do you know what I mean? Just lively and fun.
There'd be a definite ending then.
And, you know, fewer players and stuff like that.
Blindfold them, or, like pinball, Two Ball Screwball.
- Every two minutes, put another ball on the pitch.
- Multi-ball.
People have suggested multi-ball in the past.
I like Zombie Ball, where you introduce a zombie and the zombie bites people and they become zombies.
And eventually you've only a few players left or whatever.
What happens if Rooney gets bitten, though? How would you know? APPLAUSE Wayne Rooney said that having an English manager made it easier to understand tactic talks.
And, er Those are not the words he'd have used, "tactics talks".
- He'd have gone on that.
- Yes.
- "T-t-t-t" Because Fabio Capello was the previous manager and didn't speak English particularly well.
But Fabio Capello then went on the radio when he heard, and said Tssss! Saucer of milk for Fabio Capello! I think there are consolations to this tournament being over.
Now at last we don't have to hear politicians talking about it, which is my least favourite thing about international football tournaments, when politicians try to be a man of the people, it's excruciating.
Much worse when it's Cameron, cos he's so manifestly posh.
Hearing him going, "That's why I say, 'Come on, England!' "I shall be wearing my second best top hat and my lucky monocle "all the way through Euro 2012! "I love football, it's so rare you get to see working-class people "running about without having to chase them yourself with a stick.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE On the plus side, though, the England fans were well-behaved.
Cos there was a lot of talk about the Polish and their abusive chanting and their hooliganism.
And, of course, that's what England used to be the best in the world at.
One more thing that now the Poles do better than we do.
APPLAUSE OK, at the end of that round the points go to Marcus, Zoe and Andy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
So if everyone makes their way to the performance area I'll read the week's topics.
We'll see what our panellists come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Unlikely Things To Read On A Health Insurance Form.
Would you describe the condition of your heart as A - Very good, B - Mediumly good, or C - BOO! BUZZER Do you ever temporary blackouts? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER Do objects in the middle distance appear to be coming to me, to you, to me, to you? You may be suffering from ChuckleVision.
APPLAUSE BUZZER Are you suffering from, or have you ever had an STD? You slag! BUZZER Are you the only black guy in a horror film? APPLAUSE BUZZER Have you ever experienced a burning sensation when you pee? Were you drunk at the time and holding a cigarette at the same time? BUZZER Please describe your alcohol intake.
Moderate, average, excessive Glaswegian.
APPLAUSE BUZZER What's your blood type? "It can do 50 words-a-minute, innit, bruv.
" BUZZER APPLAUSE Buddhists what was your last cause of death? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER Do you suffer from dyslexia? If so, please put a bick in this tox.
BUZZER Do you smoke? Can I have one? BUZZER Do you hear voices? No.
Are you deaf? No.
So you do hear voices? Yes.
I'm sorry, you have lied.
BUZZER Would you describe yourself as very fit, quite fit or a bit of a minger? BUZZER Do you suffer from dizziness, double vision or seizures? Then why did you take a penalty for England? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER OK, the next topic is Unlikely Lines From A War Movie.
Bad luck, Sir Winston.
I'm afraid the Second World War's gone to penalties.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER I'm going to go and rescue a horse that's trapped in the wire.
You put the potatoes on.
BUZZER We've located the battleship.
It is in the squares B5, B6, B7, 8, 9.
APPLAUSE BUZZER I was sent upriver in Vietnam, tasked with killing a renegade colonel.
That was one hell of a gap year.
BUZZER APPLAUSE I haven't seen a case of trench foot this bad since the Isle Of Wight Festival.
BUZZER It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees.
Anyway, enough about that Tulisa video.
GROANS AND APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, if nothing else, this is going to make a lovely tapestry.
GROANS AND APPLAUSE BUZZER We're at 5,000 fathoms.
BING! The hull will never take it, Captain! BING! And you going, "BING" isn't helping either! BUZZER Louie, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.
But only if you dress up as a nurse and give me a discharge.
BUZZER Sir, new intelligence has come in from the letters page of the Daily Mail, and it seems Herr Hitler has a point.
BUZZER LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can't stand the sound of the guns.
Why did I move to Tottenham? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER In the Marines, our motto is, "No-one gets left behind.
" Private Cameron, where is your daughter? BUZZER APPLAUSE We make an amphibious landing here.
We scale the cliff, avoid the sweeper, bounce on the big balls and I'll meet you in the Wipeout zone.
APPLAUSE BUZZER Chaps, we're about to go over the top.
I have a message for you from High Command.
It simply says War! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin' Say it again now! - # War! # - BUZZER APPLAUSE Don't put your stuff in that one, it's got a really catchy edge on it.
I call it The Hurt Locker.
BUZZER Me-dic! Me-dic! Me-dic! I'll tell you what the problem is - I've been shot in me dick! BUZZER OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
Yes! And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis - and Gary Delaney.
- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Zoe Lyons and Marcus Brigstocke.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Good night.
Read about the things that happen throughout the world Don't believe in everything you see or hear Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world.