Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Milton Jones, Ava Vidal, Mark Watson

Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Chris Chris Chris.
Hoogenband Hugh Mark Dennis and Milton Jones.
Before we start I should point out that this is our 100th show! Yes, hallelujah! Episode one went out in June, 2005.
Here is a picture of how Andy and I looked back then.
I do look like an IRA political prisoner! I look really like my own grandmother! So, the questions tonight, Hugh, by the way, is the only person who has been on all 100 shows, well done to Hugh! APPLAUSE You may have to work on the timing here! APPLAUSE There you go! Andy's on 95, but he will never make up that five.
It was a different time.
2005, a different time.
You can't go back.
Well, you can if you watch Dave.
Pre-Twitter, what did people do? Did they open the windows and go hahaha! LOL! Any way, we start tonight, however, with the 100th show with a round called Picture of the Week.
So, who is this and why is he in the news this week? That is Bob Diamond.
Who is Bob Diamond? He is the CEO of Barclays.
Why is he in the news? He resigned.
Why? Because he's been a bad boy.
He massaged the interest rate.
He manipulated the LIBOR.
That is what the Labour Party is called in the Midlands.
What I love is the chairman resigned, he is named Marcus Agius.
Who is he, commander of the armies of the north? General Phoenix Legion.
He was preparing for the Conquest of Gaul! And I am Marcus Meridius Agius, I will have my fiscal bonus in this life or the next! And a disgraced Roman empire, should he be surrounded? Are should Marcus Agius when he walks into the room, should we be going This is one of those scandals when everyone is furious, but nobody knows what they are furious about.
All we know is that Barclays has done something bloody awful and that man should go.
I don't know why? But I think I am furious about the whole thing.
What is it? They dabbled in LIBOR, the London Interbank Offered Rate.
They managed to drive it down.
Drive it down? How dare they? Well, that meant the interest rates were lower than the mortgage.
Oh, oh, conflicted now.
I found out that my bank were fixing the loan rate.
I went there every day to shout at them.
Then I consolidated my anger into a monthly outburst.
APPLAUSE If there is one thing I want to say, I am shocked about Barclays.
They have been dodgy, they refused to boycott South Africa a few years ago, that is why I boycotted Barclays.
That is why I also don't bank with Barclays.
I feel that I did my bit.
When I was little I did not eat South African apples, I feel I have done my You were mentioned by Mandela yesterday! Well Parsons got me through the hard years.
It was easy for me, I did not like apples, had it been Sherbert Dib- Dab.
I bank at Barclays, when I moved over here I went into the Lloyds, they were the first bank that I walked into as I walked past, but Lloyds don't accept Irish patriots as a form l form of identifies.
China accepted it! They are going, "I don't know who you are.
" In other news, who took his -- whose wife took him business surprise? Not mine.
Tom Cruise's wife asked him for a dwors.
Is anyone shocked about this.
If a fake marriage is not going to last, then what hope is there for the rest of us? I hope that Tom does not do anything stupid.
You know when you are vulnerable when things go wrong with a relationship.
You may end up joining a cult, that sort of thing.
It is a shame for him, he thought it was a marriage made in Lcuh Manar! I found out that apparently he proposed to her, standing on top of the Eiffel Tower.
Now I know he is paranoid about his height But that seemed don't know much about it, but I can't take it seriously.
It sounds like the kind of word your uncle would use if you are talking about careers or something.
So you doing maths, yes, you are doing physics, well, why not become a Scientologist! That is a career.
It sounds like a word that the cosmetics company uses.
The Pantene Pro-V company.
They dropped him in a vat of this, it kept his skin lovely and smooth.
Do you know why it is treated as a religion? It is because of tax purposes.
That is something that Jimmy Carr could look into.
They don't worship me, they just laugh a lot.
When he first announced, his excitement about Katie Holmes, he went on the Oprah Winfrey Show.
He jumped up and down on the sofa.
Even that was calculated.
It is hardly a risk jumping up and down on the sofa.
If it can take her weight! The Oprah fan club are out tonight! I was not thinking she had that big a fan club.
You can say what you want about Tom, but don't go after Oprah! Would you trust a man who had been on three missions, which he said were impossible? The points there go to Chris, Hugh and Milton! Now, we play a round called Wheel of Cruise: Marriage Impossible III! This game involves Milton and Ava.
So make your way over to the performance area please.
Where the wheel chooses to stop, one of our performers has to step forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
The first one is animals, who wants to come in on that? Ava.
I recently found out there was a mouse in my flat.
Don't look at me like that, I am not dirty.
So I called the guy from Rentokil.
He comes along.
There is something weird.
They don't tell you anything that comforts you.
So the guy says that they have to block all of the holes in my flat.
That a mouse can collapse its vertebrae and squeeze through a hole the size of a pencil.
I thought, gosh, if you have to collapse the vertebrae in order to get in somewhere, perhaps you should not be there.
It is extreme! I will not stay in a house that has mice in it.
So I move to my friend's house, before I go, the man tells me to leave the TV on as the mice may laer it and think that people are there.
As I was staying at my friend's house, it was past midnight.
I was on the sofa, I could not sleep.
I started to get angry.
Here I am, that creature is back in my flat sitting on the sofa, watching Rastamouse! I did get rid of them.
That was great.
It was the worst thing that could happen to me.
I hate mice so much.
I only ever wear make-up that is tested on animals.
That leaves us with Milton.
Let's see what you have been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
The topic is nationality.
If you're addicted to Mets, you are either an alcoholic or a South African with a real love of numbers.
I've got a friend who got caught shoplifting in Saudi Arabia.
Fortunately, he had tonen a prosthetic hand.
Unfortunately, it was a second offence! So, I'm in France, I see an old lady snithing in the town square, I say voulez vous crochet avec moi? I used to teach English in Germany, first day I taught them everything beginning with A, the second day everything beginning with B, D-Day was tricky.
So, I'm in a disco in Tehran All of these women are dancing around a handbag, singing Iranian men, hallelujah! Recently, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck.
It turns out, I had phoned Dial-A- Llama.
Thank you very much.
You are welcome back.
APPLAUSE Our next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? What answer would you like, Mark? Sport.
The answer is how many times has Usain Bolt won the 100 metres.
Is it, if I told you once, is it How many cocktail sticks do you have to glue to a mouse to make it into a hedgehog? Is it how many years of hurt do we have to sing about, if we ever re-relaes Three Lions? Is it how many days of rain fell in June? How many miles did the Proclaimers walk before they realise that the girl was being high maintenance? Is it how many Sugababes are left? Is it what do three baby eagles look like when only one of them has hatch snd hatched? Is it after Jay-Z's girlfriend first heard the song when he refers to it as a bitch, how many problems did he then have? Is it how many years since my grandfather launched the first motorised iceberg? Is it too soon? It can't be off the menu now?! did not know Oprah Winfrey was on the Titanic? That is what sank it! Oh! A perfect storm of horror.
Is it what percentage of the Conservative Party think Fifty Shades of Grey is about John Major? It's about the Olympic budget, isn't it? It is.
Was it how many percent was the Olympic budget over budget? You are absolutely right, Hugh! APPLAUSE Yes, the question I was looking for was, by what percentage is London 2012 expected to be over budget.
This is news of the sports-related costs of the Games is to reach 8 .
4 billion -- �8 .
4 billion.
It is due to be the most overbudget Games since Atlanta, and the most expensive Games ever.
It was alarming after Atlanta, they just sank it under water.
If you want to build something efficiently and cheaply, not in east London, "That appears to be a lovely Olympic Stadium you are building, what a shame if something were to happen to it ?", "Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, your velodrome appears to have gone missing overnight.
" Every week Sarah Beeny says you have not budgeted enough.
People were not paying attention as Sarah was increasingly pregnant, not pregnant, pregnant, not pregnant.
What sair -- Sarah would do? She would say get gold metal plating.
Well, you don't need all of those seats, nobody can get a ticket.
Stop whining, it was a computer driven lottery.
You were not singled out.
The computer did not go, "Mark Watson, don't like.
" going to three events! You were playing them like a violin.
What are you seeing? Boxing, that is close to my heart.
I got tickets, sweet tickets.
I'm going to the water polio ground for two matches.
Thank you! Kazakhstan versus either Australia or Austria, I can't work it out.
I would have thought Kazakhstan versus Australia in water polio, it is fairly clear? You don't know! is a central Asian land-locked country, versus people who live by the beach! People who live by the beach don't use swimming pools as much as those who are land-locked! People who are land-locked don't have the beach.
All they have are pools.
Australia don't need to put a great whait in before they feel at home! There is no water in Kazakhstan! There is rain in Kazakhstan.
rain, let us practise! Look, a water bottle! The spelling of Kazakhstan Or possibly an H after that, I'm not sure.
I'm going to do this phoneticallygive me a KA.
Give me a ZAC, give me a HSTAN.
Other news, by the way, my favourites during the week are of the procession of the torch, the endless procession of the torch, it is with Jill Makinson-Sanders, the Mayor of Lincolnshire, who decided as the torch was passing through the town to dress up as one of the local products of Louth in Lincolnshire, here is how she decided to dress up, one of the local products, a sausage.
She ran alongside the torch as a giant penis down the streets It looks like you! It does not look like me! It is nothing like me! My arms do not start above my chin like that?! The 100th programme and the first time we have been heckled by the audience.
You look like a penis sausage! you want to, you probably can't do a clever thing, to disprove the fact that I look Can it be done? Just to Scotch the rumours that I look anything like a 6ft tall penis sausage?! It this why you were not allowed into the bank and use your passport photo? I look nothing like the Oh, look, there it is.
Nothing like that! APPLAUSE Bring your hands up.
And the other hand Actually! Well, somebody's got a new twita avatar! Now, the -- Well, somebody's got a new Twitter avatar! Now, to 'Scenes We'd Like To See'.
I will read the topics and we see what the panellists can come up with.
The first subject is, unlikely things to hear at Wimbledon Due to Mock The Week overrunning.
Footage from Centre Court has been cancelled.
It's out again, bigger shorts, that's what he needs.
Well, that is an incredibly strong back-hand, but he did tell the ball boy he wanted the water ice cold.
Welcome to centre court, they have just closed the roof, it's a lot lower than we thought.
There appears to be a lot of grunting in this woman's match.
If the man at the back does not stop it, we are going to have to ask him to leave.
So, that rain delay was slightly longer than we were hoping, it is now mid-August.
So, Venus and Serena, the old rivals meet again, it is the eternal question, which one would you do? So, 15.
The last time someone British won here.
And it is the Russian favourite And it's the Russian favourite 'Novak Inchinz' against the British Number three 'Absolutely Novak Inchinz.
' He is very lucky to only get to 40, I've only loved five, I had to pay three of them.
Of course, they start training tennis umpires at a very young age.
There they are, sitting in their high chairs, shouting 'Juice, Juice'.
And play has been interup theed as two players walk on to the court, saying they have it booked from 4.
00pm, it is now 4.
Fanned we have a look at the follow-through, we can see he should not have worn white shorts! The doubles have proved great entertainment today.
I've had ten of them and let me tell you, sue Barker is looking absolutely gorgeous.
Next up is 'Things You Wouldn't See On A Consumer Programme'.
On Watchdog tonight, Anne Robinson has had a seizure, but you won't be able to tell.
Dear Watchdog, these sausages are inedible, I don't know what it is, they look like someone off the telly! APPLAUSE The patio had been badly laid and three weeks later, the body popped up again.
My loft has recently been converted.
It is now Muslim and won't let me in unless I take my shoes off.
You can invest your money in a high-interest ISA, accountior can blow the lot on cocaine.
Come on, man, you used to be fun, what is wrong with you.
Tonight, we are investigating United Dairies, Roy Whiting and Cadbury's, in a feature we are calling milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, chocolate's made.
Where are the best places to watch other people having sex? We'll find out tonight on Watchdogging.
And the moral of the story, even if it is called crazy golf, don't have your Willy out, good night.
This camera we are using is really, really tiny, which is lucky, because that rogue builder is about to shove it up my arse.
He paid for the house to be pebble- dashed, but the technique was not quite what he expected.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week, now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
We tested this dishwasher against this dishwasher, and the Filipino was better.
Not only would the toilet not flush, but I am now banned from IKEA.
If it sounds too good to be true and it looks too good to be true, then it's magic.
OK, the points go to Chris, Hugh and Milton.
That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Ava Vidal and Mark Watson.
That's it for this week, but as this is our 100th show, we are going to leave you with some of our favourite moments from the previous 99.
Good night.
There is a small note from the desk that I get into my ear, Frankie, Hugh, if we can have stuff that we can actually broadcast.
Nobody mentioned that! I think that should be the antispeeding advert.
Footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
She was wearing black? Or was it red? Am I married? That is a line in the sand.
You can't even see the land in the sand.
We need action replay.
That was a lovely moment.
Show them what you did, it was fantastic.
Did I really? I do that kind of thing the whole time.
That is entirely me.
it again.
You see, you sad nan, a letter here from George, what says, please, can you bring me an early day order paper.
(in the voice of Jimmy Saville) And the band was Showaddywaddy.
Do you think that I look like Pierce Brosnan with a mouthful of sweets.
I tell you who does not hate Konnie Huq, hey, Dara? What do you mean, does she dress up for you? Well, kids TV, I like that kind of thing.
She is getting dised at the moment.
Two financial institutions in America, they are Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, that is short-hand for Federal National Mortgage Corporation and the Federal Home Loan Mortgage Corporation.
When I heard the headlines that Fannie Mae had collapsed, I thought that Kerry Katona was pregnant again.
I used to farm cats.
Let me tell you, their eggs don't taste nearly as chocolatey as they look! Miss Fat Angle, 2006.
Did you hear the woman, she went, "I put a curse on you.
" They are always giving it the curse.
The minute it kicks off, "I put a curse on you.
" I saw you coming through me crystal ball.