Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Andi Osho, Alun Cochrane, Stewart Francis

This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain and joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Andi Osho, Alun Cochrane, Chris Addison, Hugh Dennis and Stewart Francis.
CHEERING We start with a round called This is the answer, what is the question? On the board are six categories.
Andi, which category would you like? Sport, please.
answer is 11 days, what's the question? Is it how many days has it taken Madame Tussaud's to melt down their Pavarotti waxwork? AUDIENCE GROANS He was a big man! This is a big opera crowd.
Is it how long did I have to spend at the hotel pool this summer before I saw a lady who wasn't reading Fifty Shades Of Grey? Is it how much of the last month does Prince Harry remember? LAUGHTER Is it when are G4S's security staff going to turn up at the Olympic Park? Is it who was at Darren Day's family reunion? Is it what reaction time is definitely too slow for a fighter pilot? APPLAUSE Is it how long's just right for a holiday? APPLAUSE Because 14 days is too long isn't it.
But if you go for two weeks, you spend the last two days going, "It's too long isn't it?" Is it how long have I had this pesky erection, ladies? How long did it take before the Essex lion got a vajazzle? it how long does it take to watch 12 series of 24? Because they're slightly shorter for the adverts, you see.
When you watch the show, is that why your holidays feel slightly too long? Is it according to his tax return how many days work did Jimmy Carr do last year? APPLAUSE Hey Jimmy, we're all there for you.
How long should you cook a mammoth LAUGHTER In a category D oven? Is it how long, now that he's not famous, does it take Craig David to woo a girl? APPLAUSE Does anyone have the correct answer? It's very straightforward.
Is it how long does the Paralympics last for? Very good.
The question I was looking for was how many days of sporting action are there in these record-breaking London Paralympic Games.
The London Paralympics look set to be the most successful ever, TV viewers are in their millions and tickets are selling out within mints of being released.
But watch the Paralympics? The opening ceremony, I loved that.
Ian McKellen on stage.
I did think it was bit of a risk book Magneto when there were so many wheelchairs around.
I saw the wheelchairs flying in the air and I thought, he's up to his old tricks again.
I saw Stephen Hawking there as well and I wondered fit was him or Professor X in surprise and Stratford would be reduced to what it looked like seven years ago.
Was it just me or was Hawking sin.
Ing? There is an issue of tone here.
You've got to come with us some of the way and then let the Daily Mail decide.
One of the most astonishing things is people are saying, this is incredible, this is really good sport.
Of course it is.
These are elite athletes.
Not not a charity day out for these people.
These are highly competitive people.
You think it is competitive in the field, shoe see it in the athletes' village where they are fighting for the disabled car parking space! watching it and loving it and it is fantastic, but I'm finding the classifications a bit confusing.
Until last weekend for me an F42 was a fighter plane or a night bus to Brent Cross shopping centre.
did you go to a shopping centre at night? The thing about the classification, it is confusing, and they start from quite severe disabilities all the way up to the minor stuff.
I think they should give some able bodied stuff, a really forgetful gymnast who forgot the review Toon and went ta-da! They never go, "Ta-da!" They should.
I've been thinking about.
This I would like to see some cheating in the Paralympics.
In the Olympics cheating is boring, it is doping.
But in the Paralympics there is so much scope in cheating, really Wacky Races stuff.
I would like to see somebody win by coming from behind with a chin that shoots out on a stick.
A wheelchair with a fly wheel inside of it, like a wind-up car, so that one of the people suspiciously is backed into his starting bay and then shoots out.
APPLAUSE Wait a minute.
Of all the events that have been fantastic, the wheelchair basketball, this is a Jen wine, this is a sport that these are the best people at the world at, but it is properly brutal.
If for no other reason you knock somebody over, the rest of the team just leaves.
There's a guy like, "He's gone, he's dead to us, leave him" They just spring back up.
I've never seen anybody do anything quite like it.
Where you do see somebody in a wheelchair falling over and everybody goes, "No, leave him.
" You say, that but I live in London.
My favourite event is the blind running.
When they run with a guide.
That is fantastic isn't it? You are thinking, obviously what happens the people who can see have the tell the runner who can't see, to tell them when to overtake.
What happens 2010 blind runner is full of running and the guide is knackered? No need to overtake just yet, no, you're doing fine.
In fact we are in the lead! LAUGHTER I'm sorry.
We came fifth.
Those guides, I saw Libby leg, a visually impaired runner, she runs with a black guide.
Not all of them run with guides, so it feels like an unfair advantage.
She's basically being dragged round by Usain Bolt.
Somebody said they are being pulled by faster runners.
You don't see eight blind people being dragged over the line.
Horse racing, that's clearly cheating, because the jockeys have massive horses underneath.
My favourite bit of commentary was an interview in the proper Olympics, with a guy called Ross Murray I think, a British runner who had not qualified for the semifinals of the 1,500 metres.
He was a protege of Steve Cram.
He came 6th in his race.
The guy said, what went wrong, and Ross, from the North East, said, "To be honest it was lot harder for me out there than it was for the Ethiopians and the Kenyans, because they've been hard at it for four years and to be honest I've been hard at it since January after two years on the lash.
" LAUGHTER I never watch any of the sports and think, I can do that.
One of the few depressing aspects of Olympics constantly watching sports and inevitably comparing yourself to the athletes.
This is hopeless.
I'm sight at home watching Usain Bolt run 100m in under 10 seconds.
My personal best at the 100m is 80 metres.
LAUGHTER I think that depression of what they achieve is even worse for the Paralympics, because they conquer so many different challenges and I watch it and it brings me down.
I think I once didn't go running because he a sore finger.
Did you watch any of the canoeing? I love the canoeing.
My favourite bit of it, there was a double kayak pair, British pair, called Florence and Hounslow.
I thought that is the most unlikely town twinning in history.
APPLAUSE We have the gallery, we have works by Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo, and you? We have a very large branch of Staples.
That round goes to Chris and Stewart! APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Oscar Pissedoffius.
This game involves Stewart, Andy and Andi.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
Where it chooses to stop, our performers have to step forward and talk about the subject.
The first subject is: The police.
Andy Parsons.
Police you say? Oh.
LAUGHTER I thought it was going to be bondage.
LAUGHTER The police.
Often into bondage aren't they? The police, they have done away with annual fitness tests.
Apparently the only people who are going to get fitness tests are marksmen and women and dog handlers.
Thur thinking, surely they are the only people who don't need to be fit.
They never need to chase a suspect do they? They can either shoot them or set the bloody dog on 'em! Also the police have been keeping our DNA for 12 years.
Even when we've been innocent, and they were quoting statistics from the Jill Dando Institute for Crime Science.
I have a few problems with the Jill Dando Institute for Crime Science, not least because they've yet to find the killer of Jill Dando.
APPLAUSE That to me would be like having the Lord Lucan missing person's helpline.
Thank you very much Andy Parsons APPLAUSE The next subject is dating.
Andi Osho.
Well, I think that dating and technology do not go together.
This is a true story, it was in the Metro, society must be true.
A brother and sister who were separated as children met each other again through a dating website.
They only found out three weeks into dating.
It was reported as a good news story, the woman was, "Oh, my God, we've got so much in common" and I was thinking, yeah, like your DNA.
You don't wand to find out like this, "Oh, my God, my brother had a mole on his dick.
What did you say your surname was?" There are some good things about technology and dating.
There is an app, Grindr, which gay guys are using.
It tells them however they are from another available gay man.
I was telling a friend this and he was like, so it is like a tracker? You are not hunting gay men.
It is not that.
And the guys have to be registered on the website.
You can't go up to someone and go You are fabulous.
But I downloaded Grindr on to my phone.
As soon as I fired it up there were 70 registered guys within 10 metres of me.
You know that scene in Aliens when they are surrounded by aliens.
10 metres, that's in the room.
You can't be reading it right.
I am reading it right.
I'm not saying shoot gay men.
There's a film called Aliens! APPLAUSE Thank you Andi Osho.
That leaves us with Stewart.
The topic is family.
I'm homesick.
Does my wife think I'm a control freak? I haven't The other night there at a party my wife got drunk and told everyone she invented the echo.
I said listen to yourself.
I am not thrilled that my wife's into bondage, but my hands are tied.
Pretty woman.
I call her doll face because she's so pretty and shy's missing an eye -- she's missing an eye.
We were both on bumper cars when I first caught my waoeu's eye.
-- wife's eye.
Now we actually met at a sushi restaurant and last week we went back for old time's sake.
Actually I don't think it's pronounced that way.
Thank you very much, Stewart Francis.
The points go to Andy and Andi.
Come back down.
Now we play a round called Picture of the Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
Teams, why was this man in the news recently? It's what happened in Vegas, not staying in Vegas.
Very much so, yeah.
Why is that.
Because he was playing strip billiards and we all found out.
It's high jinks.
It's just Harry, he takes after his dad, whoever that is.
Should they have printed the pictures? It was a weird moment for newspapers when the Sun printed the picture saying, sheer the picture you have all seen already.
It's like the opposite of news.
Royals haven't actually complained after they printed the picture, I guess they're thinking, well, if he is naked, at least he is not wearing a Nazi uniform.
I did think strip billiards sounded a bit It's hard enough dating as it is, if you are waiting for a girl who understands the rules of billiards you are going to die alone.
sounds so posh as well.
Were they done with playing spin the pauper? People were saying he was a gentleman because he had his hands over the breasts of the woman.
You are thinking, obviously the definition of gentleman has changed since I was growing up.
It's nonsense, oh he is being a normal soldier.
Yes, like all those other soldiers with their $900 a night private bungalows in a mansion.
It's bullshit.
Oerbg, they're just like us, they're not just like us, you have never accidentally ended up in a part of your house you have never been in before.
They're not like us.
The kitchen.
1970s joke! The troops in Afghanistan they've all come out in support by taking photos of themselves stripped completely naked.
It's basically Carry On Up The Khyber all over again.
These photos are actually taken before the Harry thing, this is just down to Government cutbacks.
They're doing it in support of Harry, they're not.
They're taunting him.
They're stripping naked in the Afghan Afghan sun going, try it over here, ginger lad.
Two minutes naked out there he would look like a Babybel.
Yes, there are websites of squaddies and families who have supported Prince Harry and decided - not saying, I am not much of a royalist, but I still still think there is an important principle here that if a man wants to be naked at a party, we should support that as much as we can.
That's why I published this particular photograph.
You have an All Blacks tattoo there.
Yes, it is actually.
I briefly played for the All Blacks before I was poorly doctored.
You think my tattoos are bad, you should see Andy's tattoos, they're terrible.
He really has Hugh, we are not saying, but you were doing it amidst foliage, which was discreet.
A growing sense of inevitability.
Chris must now realise that his is possibly the most erotic.
That is real.
That's confirmed many people's suspicions that if you see me naked there is a pussy.
Whose famous face was recently given a makeover? Is this the Jesus story.
This Spanish woman tried to restore this painting and just ruined it.
Yeah, it was in It was in Spain.
Where the Spanish ladies are! Yes.
And they do dance well.
It was in Zaragoza.
The Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza.
The authorities are cross with her, because the only people allowed to touch up in a Catholic Church are the priest.
It was a Church in Zaragoza and there is a century-old LAUGHTER.
You really brought Spain to life for us there.
You have to make an effort with foreign names.
Do it again.
Zaragoza Wanker.
The Spanish accent goes Mexican incredibly quickly.
A Church in Zaragoza.
The fresco was incredibly beautiful, they call it There was a fresco in a Church in Zaragoza.
is the fresco? In a Church in Zaragoza.
was 100 years old.
A whole 100 years old? What a story this is.
Somebody has touched up an 100-year-old painting.
It's a sleepy town.
It's much more the case that it was decaying because of where it had been painted.
This is how the fresco looked originally.
This is actually a photograph taken some years ago.
It's a fresco painted by Elisa Garcia Martinez.
Do it.
This is thousand looked just recently because the plaster had decayed.
This is thousand looked now.
A nice old lady, repainted it.
And this is thousand looked when she finished.
LAUGHTER She did a great job of it.
Here's one I sent in earlier! Old lady, Zaragoza.
I am sorry, people of Zaragoza, we cannot return your painting.
Thank you very much for sending it in to the gallery.
Because they painted it on the wall in a Church.
It actually made Jesus look like a Teletubby.
She also rounded it off as well.
She thought she had done a really good job, because everyone she showed it to went, Jesus Christ! APPLAUSE .
To Be fair we don't know what Jesus looked like.
Hello, hello! I missing in the bible where Jesus comes in after a botched face job and at the last supper everyone says, have you had any work done? No, no.
She's actually seeing the restorer next week because she has to tell the restorer exactly what materials she used and you are thinking all she's going to produce is half a potato.
The irony is, she's probably older than the fucking fresco.
At the end of that round the points go to Chris, Hugh and Stewart.
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
I had read out this week's topics and we will see what our panellists can come up with.
Here we go.
The first subject is: Rejected questions from this year's exams.
If sign A over A equals sign B over B equals sign C over C, what are the chances that you are ever going to use this in your sodding adult life? APPLAUSE.
According to Germany how much is Greece worth? One mark.
APPLAUSE exam board of Zaragoza.
Paint Jesus.
Jonathan is a Nigerian Prince, what are your credit card details? Three girls in this hall are pregnant.
Who is the daddy? Compare the following.
A, the market.
B, the meerkat.
Heat the crystals until they produce a vapour.
The exam seems easier now, doesn't Without swearing, describe Peter Andre.
Mental arithmetic.
Count up the voices in your head.
Using the paper provided, roll a joint and pass it round.
Does this look infected? In the recent Olympics Great Britain won three times as many gold medals as Australia.
That's not a question, just a statement.
One Direction are incredibly popular.
Sport, how do you spell AKABUSI.
Is it A- KAB-OO-C.
Yes or no.
If Steve eats two apples and a banana, why is he such a fat fucker? Next topic: Things you didn't hear at the Olympics.
That's another gold medal for Ireland.
One thing I grew tired of was the Canadian national anthem.
There's Prince Harry in the crowd, I would recognise those buttocks.
What an opening Germany, James Bondy, Harry Potter, Mary Poppins, showing the world that the greatest Britons are fictional.
Sweltering conditions here at the ladies beach volley tkas ball final.
But still those four blokes in the front row haven't taken their coats off.
Ta-da! That's the starting pistol.
They're running.
They've finished.
To be honest, I usually do the snooker.
Welcome to Greco Roman wrestling where a man from Greece and a man from Italy wrestle each other for the one euro coin they found on the floor.
Clare Balding there, but very slowly, and she's still got more