Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Josh Widdicombe, Milton Jones, Chris Ramsey, Ed Byrne

We have rain coming our way this evening.
Some could be heavy.
Blowing through on gusty winds tonight.
Welcome to Mock The Week.
I am Dara O Brian.
Joining me this week, sitting in as a replacement for unwell Andy Pars sons, Josh We start with a round called if this is the answer what is the question.
Which category would you like? Sport, please.
The answer is 736.
What is the question? Is it Tom Daley's bedtime? On which page of your home insurance does it say they never pay out for anything ever! How many hours in a row has Clare Balding now been awake for! Is it the only item at his local take away that Eamonn Holmes hasn't ordered.
That is spring water.
How many people have seen Keith Lemon the movie.
If you saw a spy thaing Russ in concert, name one of the old numbers he might try and do.
-- Pythagoras.
Is it how many Cocoa Pops does Rain Man have for breakfast.
Is it the number of Americans aware of the Paralympics? Is it what would Emile Heskey's squad number be at Barcelona.
Is it how many energy saving light bulbs do you have to turn on before you have to turn on an ordinary one.
How many calories does the average man burn off while having a proper think about Jessica Ennis.
APPLAUSE A new phrase, a Proper Think.
Nothing worse than getting caught by your parents having a proper think.
I thought you were studying for your exams, but no you are having a proper think.
When reading the letters page of the Daily Mail, what year does it feel like it is.
Is it the amount of athletes that took part in the parade this week? Absolutely right.
Thank you very much.
APPLAUSE The question I was looking for is how many Team GB athletes took part in the Olympics victory parade.
736 athletes celebrating their record- breaking medal haul.
It was made up of 21 floats and featured a fly- past by the Red Arrows.
What else can the Red Arrows do if they don't fly past.
They could walk past in full formation.
Everybody loves the Red Arrows.
I went to the Paralympics.
It was quite complicated.
I didn't know anything about T the first race I watched was the - they had those grades, I watched the S 6 swimming.
I was like, they Sid it, I was like the S 6 swimming? That is frowned on to be from Essex, but it's not a disability! She is slower because a vajazzle will hatch in the water.
I thought Lord Coe's speech, I find Lord Coe, it is ironic, it sounds less posh when you call him Lord Coe than when you call him Sebastian.
He's downgraded.
hammered home the made in Britain thing in his speech.
It is a stamp of quality.
Stamped on this Olympics.
London 2012, made in Britain, I thought it was ironic when went lock and mannedville toys -- went lock and mannedville toys were made in China.
Do you think they are going to break into the stadium and sit in silence and sigh.
A furry tear.
People say they really enjoyed the Paralympics but I didn't actually see a ghost.
An Olympics in which the javelin appears to throw itself.
I was going to the Paralympics and I had one of those lan yards you have to have and I went for a Friday up at lunch-time and I sat there and the guy came over and I said time going to the Paralympics.
He said what are you competing in? Clearly I'm not a Paralympian.
number of just, the shudge roll call of new heroes.
Watching incredible humans, David Rudisha's world breaking run.
How does a human being learn to run 800m that quickly.
You find out he was trained by an Irish frees and you - - Irish priest and you think, yes, that would do it! Some things don't get medals at all.
I get upset by in the showjumping, that the horses don't get a medal.
You lack at the horse and you think -- you look at the horse you think mostly the horse is doing most of the work.
It is no wonder they knock other the fences because the horse is thinking, what is in it for me.
"I won't get sports Personality of the Year.
They can't text the number.
It is rare they have horse voting.
I didn't know about the steeplechase before.
It is now my favourite race on the track.
You go round the track and eventually somebody puts a fence in your way and you have to leap over it into water and off you go.
It is like the crazy golf of the track.
They should completely embrace that.
There should be a windmill that you have to run through and avoid the sails clashing you, a rotating Boris Johnson head half way down the track.
Mouth opening and closing.
I loved the open water swimming.
But I thought it was one of the few events Rio are going to do better.
There is a lot more stuff in the water there.
Did you watch the sailing at any stage.
You would be watching there he goes and then another boat would go across like that.
You would think somebody has lost now.
The Paralympic sailing and I thought it was boring until I realised I was actually watching a repeat of Three Men In A Boat.
APPLAUSE That hurt! I thought the broadcasting was excellent.
I didn't think the BBC sent people along to events whose knowledge of the sport, whose act to communicate that knowledge was ever in doubt.
Look at the reaction of the Irish fans.
What that signifies.
Go on, two more minutes Katie.
Come on.
Jesus, the place erupted APPLAUSE Were you actually sent there by the BBC or do you just carry a microphone around with you all the time.
He asked me.
I had no idea that we were going to be handed microphones and have cameras pointed at us.
He said do you want to go and see the boxing and I said yes.
I don't know anything about sport.
Then there's cameras on us.
On TV he goes to me, have you been following the boxing.
No! I haven't been following the boxing! We have four boxing medals.
That is so stereotypical.
This is a disgraceful representation of Ireland.
Well done on your medal on not wearing a coat on your night out.
The points going to Chris, Ed and Josh.
Now we play a round called Daralympics.
This involves Josh Milton and Chris.
Make your way over to the performance area.
This is a stand up challenge.
The winner who is whoever is the funniest.
Let's spin the wheel.
Not very good holidays as it turns out.
I bought a tent to go camping recently.
I have not done this before.
A two room tent.
You get it home and turns out the two rooms they give you from your house are the bedroom and the porch.
If I was going to take two rooms on holiday with me, very low on the list would be the porch.
I would choose the bed bedroom and bathroom.
If there was no porch in the tent you wouldn't have an issue.
You wouldn't say where am I going to put my hat stand.
I need a porch.
I never went on good holidays when I was a child.
My dad was afraid of flying.
He said if men should fly we would have wings.
That is what tocknology is for.
Helping you do things you couldn't do otherwise.
If you give him a bottle of wine he he wouldn't say I'm not opening that because I don't have a curly finger! Next subject please.
Communication, now these days it's the more technologically advanced advanced form of communication, the more pointless the subject matter is.
Things like twitter, it is not real communication.
You would never tweet someone to inform them of a death in the family.
It would be slightly harsh.
Dad's dead hash tag fail.
You wouldn't show up at someone's house unannounced to tell them you had a nice sandwich.
The most pointless communication is U tube comments.
Have a look through U tube comments.
It is like scrolling the through the mind of a psychopath.
Go on to U tube, find a video, unremarkable, can't be a near death experience, it has to be boring and mundane, like a video of a cat yawning.
There are loads of them on there.
Go on, underneath sign in to U tube, comment one word "Fake ".
People lose their minds.
How can it be fake.
Cats yawn, cats yawn.
She was tired.
Thank you very much.
That leaves us with Milton.
Spin the wheel.
All my family are black and white.
I phoned my dad the other day.
He said "You left the room before I finished speaking, I wanted you to go to Holland & Barrett and get me tablets.
" He said "Where are you now ".
I said Holland.
I always left the room before my dad finished speaking.
He said why don't you go outside and jump up and down on the trampoline.
I didn't here the oline.
My grandfather was a lion whisperer, just before he died.
Hash tag fail.
My mother has got to the stage where all she does is go on about who has just kied.
-- died.
"do you remember Muriel? She's just died.
Do you remember Arthur? He's just died.
" I said said mum get off the APPLAUSE Next round is called Headliners.
Here is a picture of the Mayor of London with the Prime Minister.
What does BACC stand for.
Before and after cosmetics commercial.
it saying basically a complete cock.
Is it boring airport conversation continues.
Boris saying education policy is as easy as BACC.
Is it Boris just greeting Cameron in his normal way.
Is it Boris describing his life and he is saying birds and cycling, cracking.
I think it's banging all the Conservative chicks.
Is it the start of an alphabetical list of people who benefited most from the Olympics, Boris and Cocoa- Cola.
Cameron taking one look at Boris and saying you know bar bers bers accept credit cards.
Is it Boris and Cameron collide, clash? No.
At least when Andy is sick he has the decency to not show up.
Is it Boris and Cameron clash? Boris and Cameron clash.
Boris Johnson has declared war on David Cameron over Heathrow Airport's potential expansion.
Johnson labelled Cameron's indecision a fudge-arama.
What would Johnson rather see than a third runway.
Fudge-arama was a game they were forced to play at public school.
He wants another airport in the Thames Estuary.
On the thing which has been called Boris Island.
Which is just fantastic.
It sounds like a Jurassic Park, Boriss will hear you rustling.
Somebody has found the DNA of a dead 17th century baron, suppliesed with a polar bear and brought these horrific creatures back to life.
A piece of rope with no goat on the end of it.
The large Boriss have escaped.
They hunt in packs.
I didn't realise Heathrow only had two runways.
It has four terminals.
I presumed it would have lots of runways.
It has five Wagamamas.
The first I read of it, a headline says Cameron Goldsmith said he will resign as an MP if they go ahead with a third runway.
What will he do for money.
He doesn't seem commit today a career in politics, because either way he is not in it for the long haul.
I have never heard that, that is amazing.
That was like a cattle market.
How did Cameron do his reshuffle this week? He had a proper think about it.
APPLAUSE When Cameron did the - Cameron he was drinking a glass of wine at the time which became swiling, it sounds like a trough.
You're fired! They are try to go imply eenjoyed it, be denied it, but he clearly had a semi on.
That is a great wine joke.
That is a white grape.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
He chose the health ministers who believes in homeopathy and a Transport Minister who is afraid of flying.
Possibly a Chancellor of the Exchequer who knows knows nothing about economics.
Oh, hang on APPLAUSE When it comes to the Cabinet, you would rather be in opposition, which would you rather be a member of the cabinet or a member of the Shadow Cabinet? The Shadow Cabinet sounds like the puppet masters.
The Cabinet think they run the country, but really it is' the shadow cabinet.
It makes it sound cooler than it is, which is a bunch of men who pretend to have a job which they don't have.
I owe you thanks, because you you bought me a present from your holidays.
Have you brought it in? Ed was in France and bought me a present of a thermometer.
You know when you get a present and you thanks, I really appreciated that.
I had no idea why he had bought me it.
Apparently it has a vague resemblance APPLAUSE There we go! APPLAUSE The points go to Chris, Ed and Josh at the end of that round.
Now we come to scenes we would like to see, if everyone could make their way over to the performance area.
We will see what our panellists can come up with.
The first subject is unlikely complaints to TV channels.
Dear Jim'll Fix It, why aren't you replying to my letters? Dear Living TV, stop breathing on Dear BBC, I find it extremely offensive that after each scene we would like to see the host Dara O Brian appears to emit a loud fart.
Dear BBC, why have you given Andy parsons that ridiculous wig this week? Dear BBC, I recently saw something on the Antiques Roadshow, I would like to purchase.
How much is Fiona Bruce? Dear Dragon's Den, I have lost my keys and for that reason, I'm out.
Dear ITV, I just watched Loose Women in high-definition.
Please remove this option.
Dear Babe Station, sorry for the scrawl, I am having to write this with my left hand.
Dear Babe Station, I watched your channel for ten hours now and I have yet to see a film about a pig working as a sheep dog, however I shall persevere.
Dear Channel 5, I have watched Celebrity Big Brother.
I think it should be renamed Big Brother.
7 Dear BBC, why don't you get Irish comedian Ed Byrne to do a documentary about ladies' pants.
Dear Dave, have you seen Phil, Dear embarrassing bobbies, I am a man trapped inside a woman's body, I got mixed up between superglue and lube.
Dear BBC, where can I get one of those blurred number plates you always see on television? Dear Embarrassing Bodies, I think there may be something wrong with my penis, I have enclose it had in an envelope for you to have a look Dear BBC, why have you changed the name of Snog Marry Avoid to three then in a boat.
The next topic is things you wouldn't hear on a survival show.
Not all of us survived.
Last night's tropical fruit juice storm.
Five Alive.
At last I found some nuts and berries, I hate it when they rearrange the the aisles at Asda.
There are many threats to the children of the that beaut tu trial, crocodiles, snakes, Madonna.
You do have to improvise some things.
I have been using these leaves for wiping my bottom, which is why I have been thrown out of the salad bar.
And to make this wig wam I used three poles, because they are good workers and they are cheap.
It was a terrible moment when your fellow mountaineer and says he has his arm stuck in a craf as and then he turns round and says no, not