Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Greg Davies, Gary Delaney, Jo Caulfield

This programme contains strong Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O'Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Jo Caulfield, Greg Davies, Gary Delaney, Hugh Dennis and Chris Addison.
We start with a round called if this is theance, what is the question.
On the board are six categories.
Gary which would you like? Media, please.
OK, media.
The answer is 600 metres.
What is the question? Is it if Kelvin McKenzie was to do a bungee jump from a height of 500 metres, what length rope should he be given What head start would I need if I was complete peeting against Usain Bolt in the 100 metres.
Is it how big in the 100 metres.
Is it how big are some trees, Dara? No, no, no trees are 600 metres.
Is it how far is the Queen's bed from her en suite bathroom? Is it how far away can Boris Johnson smell a Custard Creme.
Is it in fact how far with The Proclaimers walk now.
Is it at what distance is Theresa May attractive? None of the rest would do that - good to have you on board! Is it when kicking Chris Brown in the bollocks how long a run-up should you talk.
Is it proportionally if a clown's nose was the size of Dara's head, how long would his shoes be? So rude! Is it how long was the longest runner bean ever grown at the Fukushima nuclear plant? Was it in fact how long would your penis be if all the products in the spam emails worked? Is it what is the delivery radius of a relatively unambitious company? Is it the distance that Prince Philip sprinted to get hold of a copy of the French magazine Closer? Am I close? You can be Closer! it in fact the distance that they were taking shots of Kate topless? That is absolutely right, thank you very, very much, Andy Parsons.
Yes, the question I was looking for was, from what approximate distance did the photographer take pictures of Kate topless.
This is the news that the Duke and Duchess have taken legal action against Closer.
A French court has blocked future publication of the pictures in France but they've already been published in Italy and Ireland.
There's loads of Royals who've been snapped naked.
Harry, Kate, Andrew before that, Charles before that, Countess of Wessex.
I mean there have been in fact so many of them.
I think they should persuade a few more to do it and then they could release a charity calendar.
thing is, it's terrible, unjustifiable and immoral but I quite want to see the pictures.
haven't seen them yet? Fuzzy versions.
They are all fuzzy, they were take foreign the Hubble telescope.
From the Hubble Hubble telescope! What I found intriguing was, I don't know if everyone was, but I was waiting for the next time she appear md public to see if she'd acknowledge what happened to the cameras and she just did the same smile.
If someone photographed me meat and two veg, I would have probably come out and gone The whole thing is making a mountain out of two mole hills.
That's a good point.
Probably better I think the BBC would prefer it if we didn't judge the woman's breasts.
That would be the incorrect direction.
I think she's annoyed.
I've looked at the photos and they're at that awkward angle when you're topless.
You have to stay at a certain position and it's not that attractive and she's reaching for the sun cream position.
That's what she's annoyed about like my uncle Terry when he popped out of his shorts.
Is I didn't see that edition of Closer, Jo's uncle Terry pops out to the shops and his shorts.
Do you think she's genuinely worried about it? Do you think there's one bit of her thinking, where's my sister's arse now then?! APPLAUSE No British newspaper editors have published the picture although they have had a proper think about it.
The massive hypocrisy of it is astonishing.
I like it when The Sun gets on its high horse, they say no responsible paper would touch this with a bargepole.
Two weeks ago you were doing everything you could to show us Harry's bargepole.
Which magazines have published it? Closer.
The Irish magazine because she's not the future Queen.
And the Italian one.
The Italian excuse is that they are young, beautiful and in love and the Irish go, she's not our Queen.
They publish faces like that, topless photos in magazines shot with a long lens, kissing and cuden in the pool, then they are putting sun cream on each other -- cuddling.
These are meant to be sexy.
There's nothing less erotic than putting sun cream on your partner's baca, is there? It's just something you have to do.
You have to do, yes.
The reason you have to do it is because you can't put sun cream on your own baca so you have to reach a deal with the person that you are with.
That's all it is.
I was photographed on a holiday once by - I was papped, yeah - I was doing exactly that and the pictures were quite shocking, I don't know if you saw them.
It was an intrusion.
LAUGHTER That wasn't on holiday, was it, Dara? That was in our house, wasn't it, Dara? That's the least erotic thing I've ever seen.
Where does a guy in the office find the source photograph? I believe he has your laptop.
Yes.
In other Royal news who's been found in a car park in Leicester? Stan Collymore.
This is Richard III isn't it? Do you know about him? A little bit yes.
We were taught a lot of that in school about the Shakespeare era.
(mimics Richard III) You cannot be saved now.
It would be quite operational when your sons arrive.
You get a different version to us! Richard III was the man who lost the War of the Roses to Alan Titchmarsh and he died at the Battle of Bosworth and Riz remains have been found in the bottom of a car park which is great.
They don't know what to do with him because he's lost his ticket and he's got six grand in payments.
He's got to pay another 50 because his body is spread.
You can't spread your feet ten feet without stepping in Richard III.
It's not a big deal is it It's not a big deal?! They find Prince Harry in a skip most weeks.
In addition to Leicester's hall of fame, they have Rusty Lee, Showaddywaddy and now him.
Gary Lineker comes up at the end.
They didn't have car parks in the olden days.
Also they found the bones in a small cardboard box labelled southern fried chicken.
They have the courage of the spine then.
People were a lot smaller then.
They weren't the size of a chicken! I have found Richard III in this box.
Just a chicken box, look at that, we didn't have to dig, it was just here.
They are not quite sure whether they think he was killed with a candle stick or led piping and they think he was probably a good King.
He said a horse, a horse, a Kingment for a horse.
I think he should be saying, the force, the Monkey.
Monkey.
Like a Chinese monkey.
This one cheaper than oda one.
You cwossm palm and I save you fortune.
You have to collect, I put down so you can get in, innit.
APPLAUSE I'm looking forward to the worldwide distribution of this episode.
We were merely doing impressions of one another's impressions.
I was quite shocked to see the picture.
I read today that he's only 3, he looks like Dot Cotton.
That's not a picture of him.
They couldn't take pictures at the time that,'s probably a painting or something.
Didn't they have paparazzi baca then if her -- paparazzi baca then, if his wife was showing her boobs on balcony, would they have got the tapestry out.
They would have just done a nipple or something.
At the end of that round, the points go to Jo, Greg and Andy.
Now a round called Titty-Titty-Ban-Ban.
This game will involve Jo, Greg and Andy.
I launch news and whef this wheel chooses to stop, one of them will step forward and talk about that subject.
The winner is the funniest one.
The first subject is sport.
Who wants to come in on that? Andy Parsons.
So, it was the Olympic parade last week.
It was great seeing it live, obviously I had to keep certain amount of a low-profile in the crowd cos I was throwing a sicky But it was great.
21 buses driving through London in a steady two miles an hour pace.
Very like a normal day in London really.
There was an embarrassing moment when one of the conductors rang the bell on the bus and then got the shit kicked out of him by the blind football team.
And I realised actually, I could get into any sport during the Olympics.
The only sport I couldn't get into, dressage.
Watching a horse walk and then reverse.
They call it horse ballet.
I don't think anybody would go and see ballet if it was just some bloke walking a bit quicker, slowing down a bit, stopping, bowing and then pissing off.
And secondly, not many people go to ballet anyway because it's shit.
Thank you, Andy Parsons.
OK, the next subject is the Internet.
Who wants to come in on that? Jo? The Internet.
You know when you buy things on Amazon and they have recommendations, you know like the person who purchased this also purchased this, I was thinking I would like to hack into Amazon and put up my own recommendations, so like the customer who purchased My Story by Dannii Minogue also purchased a length of rope and a wob by chair.
-- wobbly chair.
Customer who is bought the book fabulous photos of puppies and kittens also bought why men leave.
And customer who is bought Fifty Shadows of Grey also bought a great big cucumber.
-- Fifty Shades Of grey.
My grandad has to go into a home and these places are very expensive, but we found somewhere nice, his own kitchen, shower, outside space with plants and shrubs, but it's completely free.
We've left him in Homebase.
APPLAUSE That leaves us with Gary, let's see what topic you have been left with.
Family.
Family.
OK.
Old lady names are very much back in fashion at the minute like Lily, Elsie, Rose and we wanted something like that for our daughter but we couldn't decide, so in the end we called her nan.
Told her she'll grow into it.
I remember one time my uncle asked me to spell schadenfreude and I couldn't but he's dead now and I'm not so I win.
My does unalways introduces himself as Stephen with a ph, that's because he's slightly acidic.
My marryed friends tell me there's always someone out there for everyone and I think, wow, she must be a right slag.
Knock knock who's there grandad, shit stop the funeral.
Grandad asked me how to print on his new computer and I said just control P and he said, I haven't been able to do that for years.
My confirmed bachelor uncle always describes himself as ah sexual but I would also add B gay.
Drkdrka-sm sexual, but I would always add B gay.
As a child, I was always told if I touch myself down there, God was watchings, it turns out it was just uncle Peter.
Thank you.
Well done.
Gary Delaney.
Go on back.
Our next round is called headliners.
Here is a picture of Education Secretary Michael Gove, but what does GAEC stand for? Gove attends elf college.
Enet tick Is it something, something, something cock.
Is it Michael Gove saying gosh, actual ethnic children? arse to age of chair.
Is it Gove Adonis exuding charisma.
Is it adult literacy rates poor? Golam advises earth children.
Grinder adventure ends catastrophically.
nothing's going to top that.
Gove announces emergency contraceptive.
Let's have the correct answer, please.
Something about Gove announces exam change.
Very good.
Yes, the answer I was looking for was Gove announces exam changes, the news that Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced a new English Baccalaureate Certificate to replace GCSEs for 2015 student who is'll work towards a demanding three-hour exam at the end of a two year course rather than the current combination of course work and multiple retakes.
An exam that thicker kids won't be tiebl pronounce, it's the "baca "what, give me a shovel, I'll go down a mine.
If you can't pronounce that, they'll teach you practical skills like how to back a alreadyry out! APPLAUSE.
The Tories have assured us that under this system no child will be left behind.
How can we take Tory promises when their leader's David Cameron? Do you know what the abbreviation is? EBAC.
Which is when Yorkshire people make payments over the Internet.
Something from Star Wars? Yes, it was.
Bet you can't do the impression Sky Walker, your EBACs will not qualify you to run the empire now.
There is been a lot of debate about what grades have been De valued and I discussed that with my nephew Professor tummy recently.
Sorry, it's one of these things I'm always genuinely perplexed about coming from a different country with my spices and silks.
There are so many great things about it except your exams which are mad.
The education by the way is great.
I'm not saying anything about the education but the exams are mad.
People when confronted with an exam paper go to pieces and forget how to count and I think it's very unfair that they are marking the papers.
APPLAUSE There are people who shouldn't be taking exams.
My friend Carl was at sixth form college with a girl who got her A- level results and when she pulled out the piece of paper, the three letters telling her what her feature would be, she went, ha, ha, ha, that spells" none.
When it comes to exam time, there's far worse pressure on the teachers because you have to spend sometimes four or five hours in those halls just walking up and down and it's a recipe for insanity.
I had no choice when teaching but to invent a game called Camp Aisle.
It was just to see who could walk up and down the aisle the campest.
We started off just sort of slightly mincing.
Honestly, by the end of it, I was walking down a full aisle of children like this.
I knew it was time for me to leave teaching when I got down to the end of one aisle, a kid looked up at me at the end of a GCSE and went tut tut.
Were you essentially vogueing your way? I'm not exaggerating, by the end of it I was like that.
They want to make the exams harder but surely they are hard enough already if your teacher is walking up and down camping it up? I'm still qualified technically.
We'll have to cut this bit out.
Is that your safety net? Yes.
Having seen you in Inbetweeners, I don't think anybody's going to employ you.
You've always got a trade! I did a gig at the University of Central England which is in Birmingham, that's where they are trying to hide from you.
I said, UCE, so-called, because that's the grade it takes to get in.
I had to explain it to them.
I was in an exam at school.
My mate at the back of the hall went we were all waiting to leave and someone at the end of the class went miaow and the invigilator looked and someone else did it again and again from different parts of the hall and it led to my favourite sentence ever to come from an adult's mouth which was "all right, no-one leaves until the miaowing stops".
The points go to Chris, Hugh and Gary.
Now scenes we'd like to see.
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance air yarbgs I'll read out the topics then we'll see what the panels can come up with -- area.
Unlikely things to hear on a property show.
Six months in and Mike has fallen out with the builder.
There was no window there and neither of them noticed.
With violence and strong language from the very beginning, it's A Place in the Sunderland.
Yes, it is north-facing but on the plus side, it's a caravan so you can just turn it round.
Get that fish out of here, it stinks.
Should never leave a place in the Sun.
APPLAUSE We've just one hour while Gina's at the shops to improve her flat in Luton, we are setting it on fire and moving it to Oxford.
Well, it's another setback.
This time the structure is damaged and for the first time I'm asking myself, will the Death Star ever be finished? And more information on how to get together a deposit for a house can be found in our free leaflet when will manor die? So, you bought it at auction for �100,000 but what exactly are you going to do with Middlesbrough? What we've done is we've knocked the wall between the kitchen and the lounge down and what that's done is killed all the people who're sitting in the lounge.
kitchen's done in a very modern style, we call it crack den.
We are looking at a well-equipped council house in Hull, fridge, oven, washing machine.
In fact, this is one of the nicest gardens we've seen.
This week on Grand Designs, my gran designs a house.
It will be shit, she's got terrible arbt rye it is, not even a rudimentary qualification -- arthritis.
Three coats of varnish and a new rug and Brucie is ready for his next show.
Welcome to the 74-hour long obsessive come pulsive episode of How Clean Is Your House? Knock it down, Tarmac it, fuck 'em.
APPLAUSE OK, the next topic is: Mr Parsons, your baby looks exactly like you, but mind you, so does every other baby.
There are complications, I'm afraid.
For a start, I'm not a doctor.
definitely can see the head.
You should do your flies up, doctor.
Bad news, I'm afraid.
He's ginger.
Your highness.
So would you like to hold the little fella or shall I give you the baby? Mrs Jones, I'm going to need you to push and then when we've got the ambulance started, we'll try and get you to hospital.
Oh, God, the that my baby? I've given birth to Andy Parsons.
stay up that end and talk to your wife if I were you, Mr Smith, it looks like Alien Versus Predator down here.
This is the ward for unwanted twins.
We call it the Jedward.
Very good.
Basically you just turn 'em over and slap 'em on the arse.
These nurses' parties are great.
Nice to see you again Mrs Joely, if you would luke to move along to the next window to correct your -- collect your order.
This isn't your first baby is it? You have a bouncing baby boy.
I know that because I dropped him in the delivery room.
OK big breath in, hold it, hold it and pass the joint to the midwife.
If you are not in when we deliver your baby, is it OK if we leave it with a neighbour? no, I do like it, darling, just not in that colour.
I know you're in great pain but we need to know your name.
Right.
Doctor for Mrs Fuck off.
The points go to Greg, Jo and Andy.
APPLAUSE That is the end of the show.
The winners are Andy Parsons, Jo