Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - James Acaster, Ed Byrne, Gary Delaney, Sara Pascoe

1 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # But don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read all about it # Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and James Acaster, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Sara, which category would you like? I will have World News, please.
OK, World News it is.
The answer is 1.
6 billion.
What is the question? Is it, how many immigrants are so lazy they haven't even bothered to come over here Is it what, in decibels, is Brian Blessed? Is it, when they go back to it, how many drachma will there be to the euro? For about a week or so.
Is it how many Scottish people now say they voted yes in the referendum? Is it, what was the crucial missing ingredient from England's bid for the 2022 World Cup? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it, how much are cats owed in YouTube advertising? Is it, when I went on Dragons' Den, how much did I want for a 2% share in my body Hoover business? AS DUNCAN BANNATYNE: James, James, James.
Talk numbers.
- How many? What's your turnover? - Well Well, Deborah I haven't really got the numbers in my head - - that's what they say, isn't it? - Right, I'm oot.
Is it, what is the Count in Sesame Street up to now? Do you think he's just somewhere in a bar, just still counting? This tiny, Transylvanian puppet in a bar.
5 - ah-ah-ahhhh!" If you go and use a Glastonbury toilet, is it, how many people seem to have used that toilet before you have? Is it, what number, when typed into a calculator and turned upside down becomes "OooooooooGI!" Is it, after you've popped, how many Pringles can you eat before you MUST stop? Is it, since I started this sentence, how much further has Greece got into debt? SARA: To do with Greece, isn't it? It's to do with Greece, yes.
We're dancing round it.
What has 1.
6 billion got to do with Greece? This is the amount in euros that Greece is supposed to pay back to the IMF by the 30th of June.
You're absolutely right.
Thank you very much, Sara Pascoe.
- Well done.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The question I was looking for was, how much money in euros does Greece need to repay to the International Monetary Fund by the 30th of June - that's next Tuesday - or risk crashing out of the Eurozone.
But it is a loan, isn't it? What they've got is a loan.
I think it might solve itself.
Are we certain they haven't got PPI? Do you think? Wouldn't that be great? Just on the day before they have to pay back, Alexander Tsipras, the Greek Prime Minister, gets a phone call saying "We have been trying to contact you.
" That's the Greek PM.
He seems thrilled with that particular development.
He looks so coy.
He literally looks like That is the face that people do when you go up to them and go, "Where's my money?" He's like, "Money?" There's lots of ways of raising money, aren't there? I'd have thought.
They've got lots of stuff.
They could have a big episode of the Antiques Roadshow, they'd raise quite a lot of money.
They could use plastic plates at weddings.
That'd save a lot of money And then if they fail If they fail, what's the term called for what will happen to them? - Grexit.
- Grexit.
- I like that.
- It's a great term, isn't it? I just don't like it being shortened.
Cos I like it when the papers call it "a messy Greek exit", cos that sounds like a pornography description.
I like when they say, "The Greeks have been warned of Grexit," like Grexit is this thing which is going to emerge from the sea.
In a kind of With his eyes so red, and a scary nose And a horrible wart and his horrible toes The Grexit! Greggs-it just also sounds like the door on the way out of a Greggs, doesn't it? That's what confuses me about it.
Don't they have that above the door in Greggs? If you eat yourself to death on pasties, that is a Greggs-it, I think.
This, by the way, is not a Greggs in Athens.
This This is people going, "Er, my money please.
" I've seen queues like that in Leicester Square on a Saturday night.
Not into a bank, presumably.
I've seen long queues at cash machines, just on busy nights.
- They might be going for a bed - Many times.
It means nothing! You're playing into the hands of the European Commission and their misinformation! Shit, I don't know what happened there.
You're telling me that, essentially, all these people are on a night out, and they just want a few quid? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE There are crisis negotiations taking place between the IMF and, well, the troika of different bodies that have lent money to them and the Greeks, and I think the Greeks will win the negotiation.
And I'm willing to go on the line for this because, with only some time to go during the negotiations, with the Greeks going, "Please, give us Bail us out, bail us out, bail us out.
" All they need to do They've got one card the Greeks can play, which is they can play that music which means you will eventually Cos it starts It starts just quietly, in the background, just slowly MUSIC: Zorba's Dance "Give us some money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" And then, over time, slowly, the pressure builds on this music until eventually, it's like MUSIC SPEEDS UP "Give us some money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" Eventually, I believe, it gets faster and faster until MUSIC GETS VERY FAS "Give us money, give us money, give us money, give us money, give us money.
" And they go, "Have the cash.
Take the cash and go.
Leave me alone.
" APPLAUSE Really, I just wanted you to spend the rest of the evening going - LIKE ZORBA'S DANCE: - "Doing, dang-dang-dang-dang" - Could you hear that as well? - Yeah.
Oh, thank God.
I was worried there for a second.
So this is all I find it really confusing when it's like the money and the economics of it.
So, actually, it becomes a lot easier if you convert it to alcohol, and think that the ECB is a brewery and the EU as a pub and all of the countries put their alcohol behind the bar, but we need more drink.
The only way we can make more drink is we water it down.
And Germany won't let us do that, and they're in charge cos they make the best drink, which is beer.
Greece only have ouzo, which is the worst drink and we knew they only had ouzo, we shouldn't have let them join the pub, but we did because we were hammered.
And who hasn't let the wrong person in when they were drunk, eh, girls? So And now, Greece has passed out, it's too drunk, and Germany is trying to sober them up.
"And why can't we just kick them out of the bar?" "Oh, because they've started a tab, and not on their card.
"We all started a joint account for some reason.
" And this is supposed to have simplified things in your head? APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH It's all much neater now, and the solution is, we should let Wetherspoons sort it out.
Did they not withdraw 4 billion Euro or something last week? - It's a real genuine problem, isn't it? - People taking all their money out, yeah.
And then they started hiding the money.
Everybody started hiding cash.
And they say "in secret places.
" They're hiding their money in frozen chickens.
This was the strangest hiding place I heard about.
They put them in the freezer.
They put the money into the chicken.
We shouldn't know about that.
That's The whole point of hiding is it's a secret.
We live in England, and we know where they have had their money.
It should not have got back to me.
- Can we play the music again? - I love the music.
One more time.
MUSIC: Zorba's Dance Does the show start again? SARA: Oh, my God! This is so fun! AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME Are they going faster than us? They're going too fast.
MUSIC AND CLAPPING SPEED UP Does this table take our combined weight? We can all get on it.
CLAPPING DROWNS SPEECH I'm sure the people of Greece will be absolutely delighted.
There is an issue of how it will affect holiday-makers and British tourists going over.
There was a statement that said that holiday-makers should bring over cash, and the statement came from muggers.
Travel agents suggested people bring cash and credit cards or debit cards.
So there goes my plan to use magic beans as currency.
What did you think we were bringing? Also, guys, if you're planning a holiday, think about getting a passport.
If you arrived in Athens customs and said, "Do I have a passport? No.
"But I havemoney! "Making it rain! Making it rain!" People scrabbling around with their chickens.
You wonder why people are going on holiday to Greece.
People going, "Oh, well, it's cheap sunshine.
" But you're thinking, "Well, Syria is cheap sunshine, isn't it?" OK, you don't maybe get the level of service there, but just think of the number of people that will be at the UK airport to greet you on your return home.
It has got fantastic weather, it's got beautiful beaches, it's got fantastic food.
And if you are eating out in Greece, my advice would be: try the chicken.
I'm sure the people of Greece will be absolutely delighted.
Well, I'm sure they're going, "Well, the one thing we have is Mock The Week.
" Click.
Oh, for fuck's sakes! "During this difficult time, "the one thing we've always been able to rely on is "Oh, but now they're doing our dance wrong.
" The music comes on, I want to do lobster hands, for some random reason.
I keep doing this.
Like it's a pincer dance.
Ahhh! - They're getting closer! - MUSIC: Zorba's Dance MUSIC STOPS At the end of that round points go to James, Sara and Andy.
APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Now we play a round called Your Grexits Are Here, Here And Here.
This game involves James and Gary, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the wheel of news, and wherever it chooses to stop, one of the performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
Here we go.
The first subject is Parties.
Who wants to come in with that? James.
I went to a surprise party, recently.
For my friend, Darryl.
We were all in his living room, all of us in the dark, hiding.
His girlfriend turned to us all, she went, "Right, he's got to be here in a minute.
When he gets in, everyone jump out, yell 'surprise,' "and that will be really surprising.
" I argued it would be a lot more surprising if, instead of making all that commotion, we all just stood there in his living room in the dark, just When he comes in, turns the lights on, see how surprised he is then.
It was a good party.
I schmoozed.
I'm good at schmoozing.
Buttering people up.
I'll give you some schmoozing tips, why not? A lot of people will tell you when you are schmoozing, have a good icebreaker, break the ice.
What they won't tell you - at the end of the conversation, UNBREAK the ice.
You don't want anyone else swooping in, taking advantage of all the lovely little ice cubes that you created.
So freeze it over again before you leave.
As you're leaving, just slide something under the fence like, "death comes to us all," something like that.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
Well done, James.
So, Gary is left, let's see what topic you have, Gary.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the topic is childhood.
I didn't know what to get my little niece for Christmas, so I asked my sister what she's into, and apparently at the moment she's mad about Frozen stuff, so I got her some oven chips and peas.
They love that.
Every Christmas Day we'd always have pigs in blankets, or, as you probably call them, relatives sleeping in the spare room.
"Winnie the Poo" - possibly the most vindictive chapter in Nelson Mandela's autobiography.
It was only after I shot the fifth zombie that I started to wonder why they were all carrying bags of sweets and ringing my doorbell.
I've been trying to recapture my lost youth.
I really must get that cellar door fixed.
One time, when I was a kid, I bought a chocolate bar.
On the inside of the wrapper it said, "You're a loser.
" I wouldn't mind if there had been some sort of competition on.
To make things worse, it was a Boost.
As a family, we couldn't decide whether to have Nana buried or cremated, so in the end, we let her live.
My 13-year-old cousin has already started taking heroin.
It's amazing, isn't it? They shoot up so fast these days.
Well done.
Very good.
Points there for Gary Delaney.
Everyone come back.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening, so what is going on here? Is he going, "Do you want to know why I'm called Trump? "Pull my finger!" This is taken at Comic Con and this is actually a guest appearance by Sloth from The Goonies.
Are you sure he's not just showing how he got the money into the chicken? "I've really got to get up there.
"Right in there.
Just got to get it up there.
Up there! That's it.
" They've asked him, "Donald, how many Mexican immigrants is too many?" Is the caption, "What's orange, angry "and never going to be president?"? No, the picture is Donald Trump has announced he is standing for the Republican nomination as president in the election this year.
Did you watch the speech? His magical, glorious all-welcoming speech? The people who came really badly out of his speech were Mexicans, weren't they? He's like Nigel Farage.
He's really worried about immigration, so his plan, if he becomes president, is he's going to build a 2,000 mile-long wall between the US and Mexico, so he's going to build a great wall to keep people out and, at the same time, his next point was he's not going to be influenced by China.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Who is he going to use to build the wall? He said other stupid things.
He said that all of the women on The Apprentice were either flirting with him consciously, or unconsciously, and Genuinely, he said that, and a word of warning, if they're unconscious, they're not flirting.
That's an important lesson.
Ultimately, it's going to come down to Bush versus Clinton, isn't it? In a nation that fought a war to rid itself of hereditary rulers.
Jeb speaks fluent English, fluent Spanish, doesn't he? So, two more than his brother George.
Jeb Bush is quite multicultural for a Republican, though, isn't he? - Yes, he is.
- He's married to a Mexican, which just goes to show that, in America, Mexicans do all the jobs that they don't want to do.
In other news, which iconic building might need to be shut soon? - It's the Houses of Parliament.
- It is.
- The Palace of Westminster.
- I never know the difference.
- The Palace of Westminster is the entire thing.
- So, the building needs repairs.
- It does need repairs.
It's all, kind of, falling apart and full of mice.
- It was originally a royal palace.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
- Are we on a tour? - I used to be a tour guide - You actually worked as a tour guide? - Yeah, for about four years.
- In there? - No, on London buses, so pointing at stuff.
- Oh, you were doing that.
Yeah, and Parliament is incredible to talk about.
It's perpendicular Gothic, which was influenced by AUDIENCE MUTTERS "Yeah, please tell us more.
This is why we came to watch Mock The Week.
" It was influenced by a tiny bit of Westminster Abbey.
There's eight Japanese tourists who haven't been getting anything else and are now going, "Oh.
Very good.
" When you say it used to be a royal palace, - are there palaces that are not royal? - Yeah.
Are there? Crystal Palace.
Yeah! Very good! - Very good! - Palace Tandoori.
That's down near my way.
What have they found inside there? - Mice.
- It's infested with vermin or, at least, that's what the rats say.
With the mice, moths and foxes.
- Foxes are running wild within the palace.
- That's not surprising! Just scavenging members of the Lib Dems who seem to have fallen away from the group.
"Well, we had eight when we arrived here, "but one has been picked off by the foxes.
" - Three billions worth of repairs that are needed.
- Yes, the very minimum.
And there's 56 new SNP MPs who've been celebrating their arses off over the last two weeks, so you're thinking, are those two things related? Three billion of repairs and a hell of a party from the Scottish MPs.
You think that 50 Scottish MPs have done £3 billion worth of damage? That'd be brilliant if they had, wouldn't it? And they're back on the train up to Edinburgh with Big Ben under their arm.
"Hey!" "Happy times all round.
I've got Big Ben!" Going up to people, "Got the time?" One of the suggestions though is to move the Parliament to Birmingham and David Cameron is all in favour of this, because that is the home town of the West Ham Football Club that he supports.
Has anyone seen anything about the new mascots? Speaking of things that are - The new mascot for Partick Thistle Football Club? - It's brilliant.
- Seen a picture of it.
- It's designed by whom? - David Shrigley.
- David Shrigley, a contemporary artist - a huge fan of David Shrigley's work - has designed a new mascot for the Partick Thistle Football Club, you know to gee the fans along, get them excited, raise the mood.
This is the mascot.
- I love it.
- There's your nightmares made real, isn't it? To think they could have just even just put some pupils in the eyes, just to give them less of an unseeing cataractblind look.
"Arghhh!" The face of eternal evil, "Stare into my void of eyes.
" The thing is, it is an important job.
Not only because you are geeing the crowd up and you keep them all entertained, but often, and this is one of my favourite things on the internet - people do collections of these - often the mascots will be required, usually because they have forgotten to get off the pitch in time, to stand at the minute's silence if a minute's silent is being held, and there is a fantastic collection of mascots who've had to look sombre or grave or respectful.
This is a particular I like this one.
That is That's the Bradford chicken.
Billy Bantam, I think he's called, looking very disappointed.
He's upset because some Greeks have just stored money up his bottom.
The next one is again very serious.
That's Baggie Bird from West Brom.
Add gimme one more.
That is That is the West Ham Hammer looking respectful, but it isn't able to change his face, which has a joyous bounty.
"Oh, I'm a quirky hammer.
I'm a jolly hammer, "but, you know, there's times for reflection, as well.
" OK at the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Gary! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, we've come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
So, if everyone can make their way to the performance area.
I'll read this week's topics, then see what our panellists can come up with.
Here we go.
The first subject is unlikely film trailers.
HOARSELY: A man A man who only wants one thing.
BUZZ In his toughest assignment yet, Peter Parker has to pick a peck of pickled peppercorns.
BUZZ Drama, intrigue, romance, gardening, spoons.
All these and other words in Dictionary: The Movie.
LAUGHTER BUZZER All your favourite administrators are back in Human Resources 2: This Time It's Personnel.
LAUGHTER BUZZER When a hairpiece gets possessed by the devil there will be Hell Toupee.
Huh? LAUGHTER BUZZER He loves sex but he has no arms.
Which position will he choose? Missionary: Impossible.
LAUGHTER BUZZER If you see one film this year then you're probably a new parent.
LAUGHTER BUZZER It was a love story that crossed the species barrier.
He was a man, she was a cow.
Coming soon, Beef Encounter.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Coming soon, a 3D film where you don't get bored halfway through and lift up the glasses to see what the screen looks like without it.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Every Year I Love You More, starring Michael Jackson and Benjamin Button.
AUDIENCE GROANS BUZZER Coming soon, a story of premature ejaculation.
LAUGHTER BUZZER The Grand Budapest Hotel.
"Brilliant," The Times.
"Five stars," the Guardian.
"The beds weren't made," Trip Advisor.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Part man, part machine, part bird, part drum, it's Robo-Bongo-Cuckoo-Cop.
LAUGHTER Thank you very much.
A group of Greeks tried to get away with their money.
Chicken Run.
LAUGHTER BUZZER My Dad Pictures presents, Yer man, I know him from something, anyway him, and a woman, I think she was in ER.
Maybe it was House - she was definitely a doctor - join forces to fight I Know Him He's Got Awful Old Looking, Hasn't He? LAUGHTER BUZZER It's the bromance of the year.
Ed and David Miliband star in What The Fuck Was The Point Of That, Then? LAUGHTER BUZZER OK.
Next round is Mime.
LAUGHTER BUZZER I'm sorry for that small pause just at the end of that record there, only my shit took slightly longer than I expected.
LAUGHTER BUZZER This is Top DJs of the 1970s.
Prison radio has never sounded so good.
LAUGHTER BUZZER A hideous car crash has occurred at the end of the A19.
It's called Doncaster.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Another shipping forecast issued by the Met Office at 2343 on Saturday the 8th.
It's going to piss it down.
LAUGHTER BUZZER You're listening to BBC Wiltshire, because your car radio has lost reception to what you WERE listening to.
LAUGHTER BUZZER And next up on The Archers, there's an axe murderer on the loose.
Not really.
Someone argues with the housekeeper.
A coachload of origami enthusiasts has broken down on the M1 and they're all currently sat on the hard shoulder making paper models of cars.
Traffic is described as stationery.
LAUGHTER BUZZER You're listening to Saga Radio.
You're listening LAUGHTER BUZZER Lidl, Aldi, later Tesco.
This concludes the shopping forecast.
LAUGHTER Get in! BUZZER Have you been injured at work? Maybe you should turn the radio off and concentrate properly on what you are doing.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Well, you're dead.
We're all dead.
We've all been dead from the beginning.
You've been listening to the final-ever episode of The Archers.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Next up, on Gardeners' Question Time, I'll be trying not to laugh like a schoolboy when a woman phones in with a problem about her box hedge.
LAUGHTER BUZZER This is local radio.
It's 4am and no-one's listening.
let's play, Say Something Racist Roulette.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Due to tomorrow's BBC strike, tomorrow's Today programme will be today's Today programme, but called Yesterday.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Sometimes, when you listen to the radio, there's a tune that you can't get out of your head.
It plays again and again and again.
It, sort of, gets faster and faster and faster and, finally, it comes on.
MUSIC PLAYS BUZZER At the end of that round, the points go to James, Sara and Andy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Sara Pascoe and James Acaster.
Thank you for watching.
Good night.