Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Rob Beckett, Miles Jupp, Romesh Ranganathan, Tiff Stevenson

This programme contains some strong language APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello and welcome to Mock the Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson and Rob Beckett, Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Miles Jupp.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What is the Question? On the board are six categories.
Tiff, which category would you like? I'll go for Home News.
OK, Home News is the category.
The answer is one third.
What is the question? Is it how much of a bottle of vodka I'd have to drink before I found Lewis Hamilton even vaguely interesting? Is it how many of this week's news stories lend themselves to comedy? Been like that for three weeks, really, hasn't it, Andy? Yes.
Is it how much of Greece can you buy for a pound? APPLAUSE Is it how much of Kim Kardashian is made up of arse? Is it, of all of the children that I taught maths to, which proportion of them genuinely had a future? Is it what emoticon would I use to tell someone that I've wrapped a rubber band around my scrotum? Is it what I'm always missing from a threesome? APPLAUSE Is it FIFA's target survival rate for stadium workers at the World Cup? AUDIENCE GROANS APPLAUSE Is it, according to legend, how much of you is your head? Yes - should be noted.
- I tell you what it could be the answer to, what proportion of that team have I seen completely butt naked? WOLF WHISTLE APPLAUSE Yes.
Has anybody got any answers to the question I feel I asked about ten minutes ago? Is it how many of the words spoken by Kanye West are about Kanye West? The way you pronounce "Kanye West" is incredible.
It's like you're asking somebody if they're able to west.
- APPLAUSE - Kan-yee west? Is it think of a fraction that rhymes with the word "bird"? It's not, no.
Is it think of a fraction that rhymes with the word "heard? - No.
- Is it think of a fraction that rhymes with the word "interred"? - No.
The - Think of a fraction that sounds funny if you say it with an Irish accent.
That's exactly what I was waiting for you to do, yes.
Think of a fraction that I say as "one TURD".
What a funny country.
It is, isn't it? You're not You're not on Radio 4 yet, man.
I think this is genuinely the correct answer.
Is it what proportion of the works planned by Network Rail have already gone wrong or are over budget? That absolutely is the correct answer.
Thank you very much indeed, Hugh Dennis.
I wouldn't have got that, mate.
I wouldn't have got that.
Yes, the question I was looking for was, how many of its targets has Network Rail already missed one year into a five-year rail improvement plan? This is the news that a large part of a £38 billion project to modernise Britain's railways has been put on hold as a result of delays, missed targets and overspending.
How bad is the situation? The one thing that I sort of I don't know how many of you use the train all the time, but it is such an infuriating service, and so infuriating that if you go to any station, they have signs up telling you that they don't accept abuse of the staff, physical or verbal or whatever.
They are offering a service that is so shit, they have to remind you not to kill members of their staff.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So basically, 30 years on, we've realised privatising the national rail service wasn't the right thing to do, was it? Nice one, Thatcher.
Yeah, man, I wouldn't like to be Margaret Thatcher right now watching this show! But not all of the money that we've put in actually goes to improving the rail services.
Some of it goes to improving people like Richard Branson, who's in fact had so much of our money, his firm shouldn't be called "Virgin", should it, it should be called "Slag".
The guy that they've got to take over, because they sacked the network chief, didn't they? - Yeah.
- And they replaced him with a guy called Sir Peter Hendy, right, and his they've put him put him on half a million a year salary, and his instructions is to get a grip on the spiralling costs of improving the rail network.
How is he going to know about money management, right? His grandfather was a baron, he's from an estate not that kind It's kind of like hiring 20,000 pigeons to work out why Nelson's Column is covered in shit.
APPLAUSE Here's another tip, you know.
If you're going to be head of the railways, don't dress up as The Fat Controller.
In sports news, who denied cheating before Wimbledon had even started? - This is Novak Djokovic - Yes, it is.
who had been accused of being coached during matches, and you're not actually allowed to be coached from the sidelines during matches.
This was actually a rule brought in to protect British players during Wimbledon to prevent them getting worse during the actual games themselves.
How is it cheating telling him what to do? What is he telling him that he don't already know? "What you want to do is, "hit it back really hard where he isn't standing.
" "Oh, cheers, mate, I didn't think of that, thanks!" There's always loads of cheating in tennis, though.
I remember once I saw a man who was actually keeping extra balls in his pocket.
Wimbledon's so posh, though, cos even the ball boys who have the balls are posh.
When they pick the balls up, they just go What's that? Why can't they throw it back to him? He gets the ball, he goes What's all that about? The thing I love is if the ball boys, if they had to do it, like jury service, where anyone just got picked at random to do it, rather than these little posh kids.
Rude boys going: "Leave it out, bruv.
I ain't getting your fucking ball.
" "It's 30 degrees, bruv.
" How might this tournament make history? - Heat wave.
- Heat wave.
It may be the hottest ever, yes.
It's so hot they're advising nans just to wear one coat.
Pretty warm.
The Wimbledon authorities, apparently, are going to take extra care of the elderly in the crowd at Wimbledon, but obviously, not the same at Glastonbury, is it? There they make the elderly actually get up on stage.
I love it on the weather, when it's hot, they always go, "Oh, Hull is actually hotter than Marrakech.
" Yeah, I'm still not going there on my holiday.
In other news, who is a big hit with Japanese women? Japanese men.
No, actually, surprisingly.
Is it the gorilla that's really fit? Yes, it is, yes, it is.
There's a fit gorilla.
There's a gorilla who moved from Australia to Japan in 2007 and has attracted a lot of admirers among young Japanese women, who've described him as "too handsome".
He's often referred to as an "ikemen", which is slang for "handsome guy".
I find it a slightly creepy story, but the His name is Shabani.
I mean, all you really need is like a slogan underneath that goes, "Which one of us is really in a cage?" And And this is another one of him lookingyou know? I mean, this is a good-looking gorilla, you know.
"I dare you to swipe left.
" Write that underneath, and then There's another one of him here.
ALL EXCLAIM He's got some junk in his trunk! He's not necessarily sexually attractive, but it would be nice to be held by him.
If I had to have sex with an animal, I'd have a flamingo.
I'm a leg I'm a leg man.
Do you particularly like if one leg is like up underneath the It's a bit saucy, isn't it? It's like, "Ooh, come and see where me other leg is.
" "I know where your leg is, don't you worry about that" Marshy.
"You ain't got one leg, you slag.
" Can I just say, we're totally objectifying this gorilla, and I'm loving it.
It looks like he's about to go, "Yes, Sigourney Weaver was wonderful to work with, yeah.
" "Part of my craft is, I'm the weaver of stories and the teller of tales.
" At the end of that round, the points to go Rob, Tiff and Andy.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Now we play a round called It's Getting Hot In Here, So Take Out All Your Jokes.
This game involves Tiff and Romesh.
So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is Magazines.
Who wants to come in on that? - OK.
- Tiff.
As a woman, most of your life is designed to make you feel a little bit shit.
And magazines are responsible for that, magazines like OK, which I look at on the shelves and think, "When are they going "to stop putting people on the front of that who are quite clearly not OK?" Magazines will recommend that you have plastic surgery, that seems to be everywhere.
Too much plastic surgery these days.
I think that's why they've invented emoticons.
They're for women who have had too much plastic surgery, so you can just hold up an iPad and say, "I feel happy ".
I feel sad.
I feel like a smiley poo with eyes.
" I think the worst thing that magazines do is they perpetuate trends, really bad trends, right.
I don't know how you guys feel about vajazzling.
But I genuinely believe it is a plot by religious groups to get gay men interested in vaginas.
By making them look like disco balls.
I told my mum about the vajazzling.
I said, "Mum, they do this thing "now where they put diamante on your downstairs.
" And my mum just went, "Vajazzling?" "Pfft, in my day you were lucky if you gave it a wash!" APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Tiff.
OK, that leaves us with Romesh, let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the topic is parenting.
LAUGHTER I'm a parent.
You know, we had our first child and our first child is such a lovely kid.
He always says please and thank you, he is such a wonderful, wonderful little boy.
I said to my wife, "Do you know what, "I think we might have mastered parenting.
" HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH I think it's just about setting clear boundaries and being consistent.
EXAGGERATED CHORTLE The second one - feral.
I love him, but what a prick this kid is.
I love him, but what an unacceptable human being, like, I love him, but I don't like him.
You know, that's I'm going to have to say to him one day, "You're a mistake.
" And not like in the way that the contraception went wrong, like, "The decision to have you was a mistake.
" Sometimes I want him to get hurt, there you go, I said it.
Listen I don't mean really hurt.
I don't mean really hurt.
I just mean a little bit.
You know, because he doesn't listen, this kid.
When I say to him, "Don't do that, dude, "because if you do that, you're going to get hurt," and then he does it and he doesn't get hurt .
that pisses me off.
Right? Because that is life telling him that I'm full of shit.
This kid is running with scissors with no consequences, do you know what I mean? Thank you, Romesh.
Very good.
At the end of that round, the points go to Tiff Stevenson! - Come on back, both of you.
- CHEERING Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So what's going on here? Has he just realised he is the only black person at Glastonbury? He's certainly finding that desert camouflage wear is ineffective in Somerset.
He has rather unusually gone for the triple denim.
Which is a look that no-one has gambled with before(!) Is it, "man survives nuclear holocaust "by offering oral sex to strangers"? Is he rocking triple denim? Yes, I just said that a second ago, yes! Sorry, I've only just realised.
He is rocking the triple denim look.
I tell you, I've just noticed something.
He's wearing triple denim, isn't he, Dara? DARA SIGHS Have you seen that, Dara? APPLAUSE Has somebody just asked him if he is able to West or not? And also, I'm not sure this is relevant to it but I'm almost certain that Kanye West was one of Labour's target seats in the last election.
Is it a brutal moment of self-realisation, is this the exact moment when he suddenly thinks, "Am I a dick?" LAUGHTER AND CHEERING APPLAUSE I'm not being fair, I don't really know who he is.
Is it Kanye West's controversial headline set at Glastonbury? It is, of course, thank you very much, absolutely right.
CHEERING Yes, this is the picture of Kanye West performing at Glastonbury Festival this weekend.
He headlined the Pyramid Stage on Saturday night.
The rapper told the crowd, "You are now watching the greatest living rock star on the planet.
" GROANING To which the entire crowd went, "Oh, my God, who's dead?" He wasn't the biggest rock star in Somerset.
Yeah, he wasn't even the biggest rock star in that field - at that time.
- Literally.
- Let alone the planet.
Also described himself as the new Warhol, and I think we misheard him a bit there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 130,000 people signed a pledge, didn't they? To try and get him replaced.
And there was a moment, wasn't there, when that crane hoisted him above the crowd that I actually thought they had achieved their aim for a moment.
On the coverage of this, on the social media coverage, there was one bloke, he said the only way he got through his set was when he realised that Kanye West is an anagram of "Sweaty Ken".
I bumped into Rob at Glastonbury, he was so excited about being there.
- I hate it.
- You should have seen his little face.
I agreed to do Glastonbury because it said, "You're on at 12.
" What I didn't read was "am".
I was expecting a nice little mid-day gig, and I was there for 12 hours before I was on.
And if you do a poo there, the toilets, basically the toilets is scaffold over wheelie bins and there is a hole over each wheelie bin, you have to take a cup of mud with you, there's bags of mud, then you do a poo and you have to pour your mud over your poo.
I felt like a cat! Are you telling me that your cat can hold a cup? That toilet situation Just explain, you've got scaffolding and bins underneath? Yeah, one third of the toilets were kind of essentially a compost heap.
So they wanted to recycle, so they could use human waste as it, so they had people with sand or soil or whatever.
Well, why do you need fertiliser over that? Everyone's having, all weekend, cider and kebabs, what are you trying to grow with that? What are they trying to grow, people to go on Jeremy Kyle? APPLAUSE It's a joke! My mum had a house in Sri Lanka and she had one of those toilets that just, the poop goes straight into the ground and she had mango trees behind the toilet.
The mangoes were absolutely enormous, I've never seen They were much bigger behind the toilet than they were anywhere else in that whole bit, but my mum didn't allow us to eat them because she said they're "poo mangoes".
My God, if you package them up in Waitrose, middle-class people will "These are poo mangoes, these are the only mangoes I get.
" "Oh, no, I ordered from Ocado, "they substituted my poo mangoes for shitty beans.
That's not fair!" Now every time I have a mango, I'll think of your mum having a poo.
Come on, though.
That's your fault.
Hold on, hold on.
No! Hold on a second, mate.
I said I took a poo and now you've made the leap, just brought my mum into this situation.
- I assume she has shits now and again! - My mum has never shit in her life, how dare you! How dare you talk like that about my mother! Your mum's ruined mangoes, my dad's ruined baths.
Between us - we're killing this country.
- Oh, I think we've just scraped off a layer, - there are other stories from your childhood? - A couple of weeks ago Oh, I see.
Don't watch myself.
No! APPLAUSE Both the Dalai Lama and Kanye West were at this year's festival, allowing us to play a little game of Dalai Lama or Kanye, Who Said It? They have to guess which of the two headliners said this phrase, the first one is - Kanye, it's got to be Kanye.
- You're going for Kanye? I'm going for the Dalai Lama.
Being that he may be an incarnation of I'm going for the cat.
If he can hold a cup, he can say that as well! "I am God's vessel" was actually said by Kanye West.
Oh, wow.
Well done.
I think it's Network Rail! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Er, Mr Lama.
- You're going for the Lama? - Mr Lama! You're going for the Lama? That's the standards here.
"Our work is never over", of course, is the words of Kanye West! And probably one of the most difficult ones to answer is DL, mate.
DL, bitches! You think it's DL? Spit in your face, I'm Peruvian, I'm the Lama.
No, it is of course Hugh Dennis.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Which England team has made history this week? This is the women's football team, isn't it? Yes, obviously we record this on the Tuesday, by the time the show goes out on Thursday they may or may not have beaten Japan in the semifinal of the World Cup.
Either way, they'll be playing at the weekend, either for third or for first.
But, still It's amazing they've done something that the men's football team have never done, and that is reach the semifinal of the World Cup without crying so AUDIENCE CHEER That's right.
It's the first semifinal of a major tournament and they said this is memories of 1966.
But if you look at the semifinal line-up, actually, it's England and USA versus Germany and Japan, that is memories of 1945.
It's amazing.
In other news, who or what had an emotional send-off this week? This was the last episode of Top Gear.
Yes, well, no.
It's not the last episode of Top Gear, it's the last episode of them doing Top Gear.
Then why did you say, "Yes" then? Because I caught myself and then went, "Noit's not that.
" I, like Shabani, can change my mind occasionally.
- We didn't do the look alike with that, did we? No - Let' see it.
I get the Megabus guy but I don't get the good looking gorilla.
Do it again, do it again.
When you do that hand thing it does look a bit Shabani.
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS In other news, who or what had an emotional send off this week? Well, it was almost the last ever episode of Top Gear.
Opinions differ on that.
Did anybody see it, did you see it? - It ended on a cliffhanger.
- It didn't Quentin Willson came out of the shower and said it was all a dream.
Now that it's finished, is it Clarkson or May who gets custody of Hammond? I'm presuming then that none of you saw it, cos I watch the thing, I quite enjoy the show.
At the end it was just the two of them, Clarkson obviously wasn't there, and they said, "Thank you very much for watching, "and good night," and it went to the titles and then it was like silent and the words moved up the screen on a black screen, silently, and you're going, "Jesus, who's dead?" I didn't know you could end like that, I didn't know you could do that sombre ending.
When I left on The Apprentice last year, I would have demanded that goodbye and then Russian piano music and then hundreds of black and white shots of me, with somebody going HE HUMS THE LAST POS .
people saluting as Jeremy Clarkson is lowered onto Netflix.
It was ridiculous.
At the end of that round, the points to go Romesh, Hugh and Miles.
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like to See.
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go the first subject is Roses are red, violets are blue, sorry you're dead, what can you do? Sorry you're leaving and sorry to break it to you in such a cowardly fashion.
Happy Father's Day, whoever you are, wherever you are.
Roses are red, violets are red, the greenhouse is red, I think I'm bleeding to death.
At this difficult time I'm thinking of you, wearing suspenders and a mask.
I saw this and thought of you.
Blank inside.
My feelings can't be put into words, although the judge did describe them as inappropriate.
That was a scrape Congratulations on your circumcision.
Congratulations, you did it and we'll prove it.
The Crown Prosecution Service.
It's a girl - not a woman, which is why you're going to prison.
With deepest sympathies for the loss of your grandmotherslash Happy house warming.
You've passed away.
21 years, and this time you'll probably die in prison.
To our darling son, on your 21st birthday Now get the fuck out of our house.
Please help me, I'm trapped inside a North Korean card factory.
Also, Iron Man says, "Happy fourth birthday.
" Roses are red, violets are blue, when you go down on me, please don't chew.
OK, the next topic is The dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant asteroid.
Silly them for all standing in the same place.
Does it burn anything other than Bunsen? He named the star after himself and now we find ourselves looking at Arthur Cockmonster the Third.
So it glows in the dark, and it has a half life of a thousand years, frankly I've never done a poo like it.
On today's show we'll be talking about the Jurassic period where only dinosaurs and Bruce Forsyth roamed the Earth.
He's old, isn't he? For Sarah Palin it's conclusive proof that man and dinosaur existed together, for everybody else, the Flintstones is just a cartoon.
Next biology, "Why is that gorilla so sexy?" Let the proton see the electron.
Scientists in Loughborough have found the formula to make the perfect cup of tea, which is quite controversial as the grant was for AIDS research.
You've been watching me, Richard Dawkins.
Good night, and God bless.
See, and the problem with cocaine is it's well moreish.
Well, we could ask a proper scientist about this, or we could ask Dara O Briain.
Hello, my name's Dara O Briain and to try and bring science to the masses, I'm going to appear in a programme with Stephen Hawking wearing a ridiculous hat.
Just enough withjust, you know, I love that hat, by the way.
Hello, I'm Dara O Briain and I've got a massive head and a massive brain, but all I get to do in this bit is just press a little buzzer.
Mr O Briain, I award you a PHD Phenomenal Head, Dara.
I would just like to say that I think Dara O Briain is a legend.
I work with Dara O Briain, and today my experiment is to turn this joke into a P45.
OK, well done.
The points go to Romesh, Hugh and Miles.
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Romesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Miles Jupp.
Commiserations to Andy Parsons, Tiff Stevenson and Rob Beckett.
Thanks for watching, I'm Dara Actually, no, hang on, hang on.
I didn't know you were allowed to do this.
Apparently you can do this.
We won't be back on again for another week so, you know, thank you for watching.
Good night.