Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ed Byrne, Rob Beckett, Ed Gamble, Sara Pascoe, Romesh Ranganathan

1 This programme contains some strong language.
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APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Romash Ronganathan, Sarah Pascoe, Rob Beckett, Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Ed Gamble.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING We start with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Ed, which category would you like? Sport, please.
OK, the category is Sport.
And the answer is "33".
What is the question? Is it how many pages in a Game Of Thrones script are just the word "tits" in massive letters? LAUGHTER And "death" for the other 27 pages.
Is it what is the emoticon for two women in a queue? Is it the number of names that Prince Philip has for someone from the Indian subcontinent? What's the retirement age in Athens? No? GROANS AND LAUGHTER Never underestimate the British desire to root for the underdog.
- Yes.
- Is it how many times at Wimbledon Lewis Hamilton said, "Do you know who I am?" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Is it, as an Irish person living in Britain, what is the most hilarious house number I can have? Oh, I know.
Is it the number of women I slept with in my 20s, plus 32? LAUGHTER Is it how many children you have to have to qualify for a family ticket in a Mormon Center Parcs? APPLAUSE Is it after how many miles did one of the Proclaimers ask if they were nearly there yet? Surely they'd go, "Why are we both going? "You're the only one who's going to shag her.
"Why am I joining you on this 500-mile journey?" You promised me she had a friend.
Is that right? Is it, in bingo, which number is known as two juicy nut-sacks? LAUGHTER But they're never looking for that to come out, are they? - Why do you have to qualify that they're juicy? - Well because if you look at them, they are, aren't they? They're plump.
What I'm saying is if I was choosing an adjective, I'd go like "hairless".
That And that's why you're not allowed to call bingo any more, mate.
Is that how you got sacked from your job as a teacher? Doing bingo again, kids! Creepy bingo with Uncle Romesh.
Is it, in the original script, how many times did you have to say "Candyman" before he appeared? OK, yeah.
If a mini-cab says it's five minutes away, how many? LOUD CRACK Holy! Don't talk bad about Uber.
LAUGHTER Well, the mini-cab industry has long fingers, hasn't it? We've all learned that today.
Little bits of glass.
Well, from now on I'm taking a black cab.
So, you want us to carry on? That's so easy for you to say - we're being shelled here! Not a single request to check the rest of the bulbs.
Is that right? What was really weird was how loud that noise was and yet the light stayed on for ages afterwards.
That's because it was very, very far away.
Nothing has fallen down, nothing fell down.
No glass has showered down.
Is it how many people are going to be sacked after that light explosion? If they just let me get on with it.
OK, so can anybody actually tell me the correct answer, so we can finish this thing and get somewhere safe? Is it at what age is Serena Williams now the oldest Wimbledon champion? Absolutely right.
Thank you very much.
Well done, Ed Byrne.
Yes, the question I was looking for was, how old is the new women's Wimbledon singles champion Serena Williams? Williams, who turns 34 next month, became the oldest player to win Wimbledon in the Open era, when she defeated Spaniard Garbine Muguruza in the final on Saturday.
Were you all watching Wimbledon? Did you enjoy Wimbledon this year? I'm just a bit nervous of saying anything.
Federer could have won at 33 as well.
- He's 33, but he didn't win, did he? - He didn't win.
I feel sorry for Venus Williams.
She's won Wimbledon five times and she's still not the best at tennis in her family.
Do you think Serena just rubs it in as well on Christmas Day? You know, "Pass the potatoes, Serena.
" "Well, you didn't have to pass it on the Championship plate, did you?" That plate is for winners, Serena.
It's interesting about Federer, it said in the papers, if Federer had won, he would be the oldest Wimbledon champion.
Yeah, but he didn't.
That's not news.
If I'd won, I'd have been the oldest Wimbledon champion.
I fancy her a bit, but I find her a bit scary, because she's so big and strong.
Imagine her grip She'd pull it off! Are you talking forehand or backhand? I don't know.
What I am wondering now is how you can say something like that and a light doesn't explode.
So, Djokovic, he's the guy who won the men's and then he ate a tiny bit of grass, did you see this? And, apparently, he promised himself when he was a child, that that's what he would do if he won Wimbledon, but I don't think we should keep promises we made to ourselves as children, or I would be living in an ice cream van, fattest ballerina in the world, married to my dad.
LAUGHTER He's probably quite the catch.
I've seen a documentary about that on Channel 5.
I can do better.
The coverage was quite celeb-heavy.
They really have gone big on it.
What I really wanted to happen there Benedict Cumberbatch and Hugh Grant were watching.
What I wanted to happen was, towards the end of the fourth set, when it was obvious Djokovic was going to win, was Benedict Cumberbatch to say to Hugh Grant, "I think that's it for Federer.
" And Hugh Grant replies, "No shit, Sherlock.
" It'd be a lovely moment.
I hate it when there are comedians in the audience, particularly when they're in the Royal Box, cos my wife loves the tennis, absolutely, and she's glued to Wimbledon every year, and every time they cut to the Royal Box and Michael McIntyre or Stephen Fry is in there, I can just feel my wife's eyes on me, like, "If you were just a bit funnier.
" LAUGHTER Who missed the men's final? Oh, I love this story, Lewis Hamilton, he was like bragging on Instagram with pictures of the invitation to the Royal Box and then there was this empty chair and I think the commentators were, "Where's Lewis Hamilton?" Apparently he turned up not in the right clothes.
I'm picturing him getting straight out of a racing car wearing his helmet and walking up, going like, "What?" And putting down his visor to hide his tears.
Yes.
Those were the clothes he arrived in.
He wasn't wearing a jacket, he wasn't wearing a tie Why did he have to miss the whole match? Surely if anyone can drive home quickly and grab a tie and come back He can change in 7.
8 seconds.
It's just royal etiquette though, isn't it? It's all very well laughing at Lewis Hamilton because we know Lewis Hamilton.
But this is us then coming down on the side of the man going, "I don't care who you are.
You're the World Driving Champion, well "I'm the sub head of the Royal Box Seating Committee.
"So who's got the real power now, Mr Vroom Vroom?" There's a lot of royal etiquette like that.
It is a royal rule that you're never allowed to turn your back on the Queen.
Did you know that? I don't know why - she's very unlikely to nick anything.
She's making it very difficult for her chauffeur.
Yes.
"Allo, Your Majesty.
" Does she sit on his lap? Exactly.
APPLAUSE Maybe it's not having your back to the Queen, it's turning your back to the Queen.
Maybe she had a really bad experience with a kebab rotisserie.
She doesn't want it brought back, the memory.
She'd struggle if she went on The Voice.
LAUGHTER In other news, what new tax are doctors demanding? It's on sugary drinks isn't it? - Yes, it is, yes.
- Oh, yeah.
20% tax they want on Yeah, added to all of the drinks, fizzy drinks.
- It's just exactly what you said.
- Yes.
Just in case anyone missed that.
"Sara Pascoe, she looks at the stories behind the headlines.
" I think this is to do with the 20% tax on sugary drinks.
They want to use the tax money they've raised to reduce the price of fruit and vegetables.
- Yeah.
- Which is just such a crap idea.
Because 20% off a turnip doesn't make a turnip any more attractive.
"What, 70 pence? I don't think so.
I think I'll have some "cauliflower instead.
Yum-yum-yum.
" Well, they say it's because of obesity and tooth decay, and I'm on 16 cans of Coke a day just to get mine smaller.
You've got perfect teeth and you need to stop putting yourself down.
You've got very beautiful teeth.
No, they're not, they're ridiculous.
LAUGHTER I think that part of the problem is that, you know, the reason that kids don't care about their teeth any more is that tooth fairy money has gone up so ridiculously that there's no incentive for kids to keep their teeth any more, do you know what I mean? You're going to get kids going, "I've got £3 in cash and 50 quid, "but it's all tied up in my mouth.
" Does your tooth fairy pay in euros or pounds in your house? I pay them in pounds, because they live in London.
I feel like that would be unnecessarily confusing.
"Ah guten news.
" Angela the tooth fairy.
APPLAUSE I remember arguing with my dad about the value of my tooth as a child.
I'd lost a tooth and my dad said, "How much do you think the tooth fairy is going "to give you for that?" I go, "I'd say 50p.
" My Dad went, "I don't think that tooth is worth 50p.
"I think that tooth is worth 20p.
" And I remember saying to my dad, "It's not up to you, "it's up to the tooth fairy.
" And do you know my Dad correctly predicted what the tooth fairy would leave! Very wise, your dad.
- Very wise.
- I don't think this is that bad cos my uncle's got no teeth and he's fat and he's quite happy.
But it's probably the meth.
LAUGHTER At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Sara and Romesh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
Now we play a round called Grand Slam, Thank You, Ma'am.
This game involves Rob Beckett and Ed Gamble.
So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand up challenge.
I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop, one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go.
Let's have a look at the first topic.
The first topic is Health.
I had to have my penis looked at.
By a doctor, I didn't just wake up one morning and go, "Oh, more people should be looking at this, quite frankly.
"I should spend an hour a day at my bedroom window with it pressed "up against the glass.
" It was a scary experience having to go to the doctor's.
I thought I should build up the courage to get down there and have it looked at.
When I went in there, my courage flew out the window like a little bird.
As soon as I went in there I found out that the doctor who I had an appointment with was a lady doctor.
Now I obviously don't have a problem with ladies being doctors.
In fact, give them the vote, that's what I say.
But there is a worry if there is a lady poking around down there, in that context.
What if your nethers decide, "Ooh, I think it's time to go to work.
" Luckily, then, I remembered I'm not an Alsatian whose lipstick pops out at the slightest whiff of an undercarriage.
I needn't have worried because she was a good doctor, she was a great doctor, she put me at ease straight away using one word.
This is what she said.
She said, "OK, Mr Gamble, just go behind that curtain there "and pop it out for me.
" There's the word.
"Pop.
" Now "pop" is a lovely word.
As soon as I heard that word I knew everything was going to be fine because she was not expecting anything big in that area at all.
Because the word "pop" is reserved for very small things.
No-one has ever said, "Come in, help me pop the elephant in the van," have they? So I was relaxed.
Better than me going in there and her saying, "OK, just heave yourself out of your trousers for me.
" "Just haul yourself out of the front of your trews.
" "Just swing yourself over in my direction.
" "Maybe I can bring out this Shire horse and "he can drag your junk over towards my work station.
" "Or open this corner cupboard "and bring out a team of pantomime dwarves who can "shoulder your meat and waddle over towards me like "pall bearers at a weird circus cock funeral.
" Thank you.
APPLAUSE Thanks, Ed.
OK, that leaves us with Rob.
Let's see what we've been left with for a topic.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the topic is Growing Up.
Yeah, I've had a big year, I've been growing up, I got married CHEERING And I live with her as well.
Nice, I like it, it's exciting.
She's pretty happy about the marriage.
Yeah.
She's got a passport now, so But, it's weird, though, like when you get You grow up, your friends all get in couples and stuff like that, they always go, "Why don't we do Come Dine With Me?" No.
If we're going to do a television programme let's do Total Wipeout.
It's much more fun, innit? I don't want to just cook more.
It's weird though because my mum did different things when she was growing up.
She used to do Tupperware parties.
And these don't exist.
This is where groups of grown women used to buy and sell lumps of plastic.
What kind of a night in is that? Like, the only thing that ever got bought at a Tupperware party was a big bowl, going to be used for salads in the summer, just turned into the house sick bowl.
LAUGHTER Everyone's got one of these horrible bowls in their house.
It's a bowl you keep in your house that every member of your family's been sick in at least once.
What kind of life's that for the bowl? He's at the Tupperware party, I'm a big bowl, going to see some salads in my time.
No mate, sick forever.
The thing is, well, I used to come home from the pub, not even going to be sick, just a bit pissed.
Mum goes, "Get in the sick bowl, you need the sick bowl.
" I don't need the sick bowl, Mum.
But I get the bowl, I look in it, get flashbacks, I'm sick everywhere.
LAUGHTER There's been three generations of sick in that bowl.
It's the closest we've got to an heirloom.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well done, very good.
Well done both of you.
Points for both Rob and Ed.
Come on back.
APPLAUSE CONTINUES The next round is called Picture of the Week.
I show the panel topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, teams, who is this and why were they in the news this week? Is he saying, in Greece we play air bouzouki? I think he's probably saying, "That referendum, Alexander, that was a pointless answer.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I think he's saying, I know we're in a lot of debt, but at least, can I just have some water? LAUGHTER Come on, people.
Come on! He might actually be saying, the worst thing is that the Germans have made me stand in this top hat.
LAUGHTER It looks more like Angela Merkel's playing the piano while he sings.
LAUGHTER Sing for me! This is how you shall earn back the money.
Sing it again! It looks to me, even though Angela Merkel is looking at him, he looks like he's just got there and he's like, I'd give that a few minutes if I were you.
It's this Greek food I eat! Or he's just going, sorry, can anyone pay for the cabbie? He's just waiting outside? Hurry up, the meter's running.
Look, he'll explode the light if you don't pay him.
Nice to see Angela Merkel letting her guard down though, innit? LAUGHTER She's chilled out, she's dressed as a minion.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Very ironically.
Angela Merkel dressed as a minion.
Yes, after almost 17 hours of talks in Brussels, a tenuous agreement between the EU and Greece has been reached.
- A long, an all-night thing, all night-thing - Yeah The tensest moment, by the way, of the all-night thing is when they went, Oh, my God, I'm exhausted, can someone get me a sugary drink? Yeah, but that's another 20% on the tax.
And they were like, no! We'll never be free of this.
There were all-night talks and they kept referring to them in the papers as marathon talks, which really just hammers it home for Greece.
A bit of cruel irony there.
- Marathon talks, cos the Battle of Marathon, the Greeks won.
- They did.
Well, it wasn't them, was it? it was two bits, Athens versus Sparta, wasn't it? - They were versus the Persians.
- OK, versus the Persians.
- Yeah.
At the Battle of Marathon.
LAUGHTER Can I be on that team, its boring over here.
Yeah, it really is! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Anyone know the terms, the various terms of the deal? Every time I read about it there's mentions of the Eurozone which just sounds like something from the Crystal Maze and I get all excited.
Yeah, they're bringing that back, the entireall of Greece will be turned into the set for HUMS CRYSTAL MAZE THEME The most desperate final round ever as they grab euros out of the air.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You've got 30 seconds to save your economy! They're proper struggling, though, Greece, aren't they? You can get, like, flights, and holidays dirt cheap.
I went down my local Sainsbury's and I got a moussaka40p.
They're getting rid of everything.
They keep saying things like, "Oh, holiday-makers in chaos," I think its pronounced KAVOS? Elsewhere, who broke out in style this week? In style? - The Mexican fella.
- The Mexican Fella - Oh gosh.
.
.
as he's mysteriously known! They call me The Mexican Fella.
What? Here, in Mexico? How does that distinguish you from anyone else in this country? Sssh That's why he's so hard to catch! He's a Mexican drug lord.
Look at him, looks like Super Mario.
That's what I was going to say, yeah.
- It was an amazing escape, wasn't it? He built a tunnel, at least, a tunnel was dug.
- He didn't build a tunnel.
Well, it was dug towards the prison, wasn't it? It was a kilometre long.
It had lights, it had electricity, it had a track in it.
It had a track, it had a Costa Coffee He can do what he likes, he's a billionaire, a drug kingpin, he is so cocky That is his passport photograph! LAUGHTER So, what are you going to do? Why have you put "wanted" across it? Is it as if someone's watching Mock The Week and going, "Hang on, that's my friend Terry.
" It is, like, just in case people are sitting and there's a man beside them going, "Hola que tal?" Wait a minute hold up this sign which is printed with the word "wanted", at an angle! The way he snuck out of jail last time, they rolled him up in a carpet and carried him out and that's where the idea for a burrito came from.
LAUGHTER It must have been a pretty wide tunnel to get his sombrero through.
LAUGHTER Sorry, mate, sorry, mate, mate, mate, mate Come on! It's their national hat! Ladies and gentlemen, the new host of Top Gear.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE How has internet pornography been put to good use recently? - This is the tortoise, isn't it? - Yes.
This tortoisewell, two tortoises made a run for it, didn't they? Tortei? LAUGHTER I honestly don't think it is, but Is it not "tortilla"? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE So, these two tortoises went One of them returned very soon, the other one had gone walkabout, they weren't sure where it was, so this family the kids suggested that they play this YouTube clip of two tortoises, like, going at it And then the sounds, they played the sounds into the garden and then eventually this tortoise came back.
The family decided to play you can see it on YouTube.
Like a nature documentary-type footage of tortoises making love.
Making sweet, sweet, wrinkly love! Making really slow, slow, slow, careful, precarious love.
Really slow.
By the time they get to the money shot the currency's changed.
LAUGHTER Baby, this is in drachma.
We can show you a small Yes, this is it! You'll see some scenes of quite serious tortoise-on-tortoise action.
The man-tortoise gets quite excited and then you'll see the response of the lady tortoise which is quite beautiful.
Let's have a look at some beautiful images of tortoises at love.
TORTOISE MATING NOISILY What end's that? I know that that's tortoises I know that that's tortoises, but can you see what it's like from our point of view now? At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Ed.
APPLAUSE Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area please.
I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first topic is I cannae hold her, Captain! I cannae hold her! Oh, no, hang on, I'll put it in the cup-holder until she cools down.
Luke, I am your father I think your mum went through three Stormtroopers before me.
Good news, Lord Vader, the rebels have voted 55 to 45 to stay within the Empire.
I am Thor, protector of Asgard, God of Thunder, and I have lost my hammer.
Pray tell, where in this Wickes can I buy a new one? Nobody puts baby in a Korma.
DARA LAUGHS AS ANDIE MACDOWELL: Is it raining? I hadn't noticed OWN VOICE: And now over to Stewart with the sport.
You're right, Frodo, this is an unexpected journey.
We're on a replacement bus service.
You know what? I never liked Private Ryan.
I say fuck him.
In a dystopian future, one lone man emerges intent on destruction.
For more on the Budget, tune into Newsnight at ten.
AS AL PACINO: Say hello to my little friend! OWN VOICE: This is Warwick Davis.
I see dead people.
All the time.
I work at Dignitas.
In all the Wetherspoons in all the world, he had to walk into mine.
Tall fella.
Answered to the name of Dara.
Said I'd recognise him from the back of a Megabus.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE This is the furthest outreaches of the universe.
Alpha Centauri.
How did they get to host the World Cup? AS ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me? OWN VOICE: It's just very difficult to tell.
You've got a lazy eye.
I'm afraid it's bad news, Dumbledore.
The Ofsted inspectors have arrived.
They brought the dinosaurs back to life.
Welcome to the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
What's wrong, Batman? Well, Robin's dead.
Catwoman just dragged him in and tore his guts out and left them at the foot of my bed.
Ant-Man! GEORDIE ACCENT: It's me, Dec, man! OK, the next topic is Look at these wide, sandy beaches.
Fantastic.
And where, almost certainly, Ebola has now gone.
And the most wonderful thing about a trip to China is you get the opportunity to meet the child that made your trousers.
- AUDIENCE GROAN - Yeah, I said it! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Southend is a lot like Las Vegas.
It's the only other place in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.
This is Taiwan.
I've given him a number because I can't pronounce his name properly.
I'm Danny Dyer, and welcome to Italy's Quaintest Vineyards.
Now, if you are travelling to America, remember to pack some anti-sickness tablets, because this is where Piers Morgan lives.
Running, cycling, rock climbing - you'll do ANYTHING to get out of this shit-hole.
The accommodation, the weather, the food, all of these wonderful things help you to forget how smelly the locals are.
Yeah, I said it.
Today we've got a flavour of Thailand with just a little bit of Iraq.
I'm in a branch of Tie Rack.
This week I'm in Kyrgyzstan, answering your questions, like, how do you spell it and where the fuck is it? So here we are in Lewisham.
It is a very impoverished area but there's a lot to see and do, if what you like seeing and doing is crime.
This truly is the best way to see Portsmouth - looking at a picture of it when you're in Paris.
I'm almost certain my producer has got this wrong.
I'm on a train to Leyton with a load of football fans.
This is the Orient Express.
Something about travel.
Yeah, I said it.
This is Keflavik, one of Iceland's oldest geezers.
You all right, mate? When you arrive, why not try island hopping? Or, as it's also known, Riverdance.
When you travel, it's important to immerse yourself in the culture.
So here I am in Malia, being fingered outside the Lamb And Flag.
Very good.
At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Ed.
APPLAUSE And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Romesh Ranganathan, Sara Pascoe and Rob Beckett.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Commiserations to Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Ed Gamble.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain.
Goodnight.