Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ellie Taylor, Josh Widdicombe, Rob Beckett, James Acaster

1 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # But don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it News of the world News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week, I'm Dara O Briain.
Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor and Josh Widdicombe.
James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Rob Beckett.
APPLAUSE We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
Here's a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn this week, so what's going on here? Is this the beginning of the world's most harrowing sex education lesson? Is he actually launching the new Trident replacement? Is it just him going, "Ladies?" Did you just do that in my voice? That's what I think is a really sexy voice, Josh.
Cheers mate, cheers, yeah.
Has the marrow entered Jeremy Corbyn in a funny looking vegetable competition? Is this a photo of the last two leaders of the Labour Party? Is it Corbyn defects to the Greens? Oh, lovely work.
APPLAUSE Too right.
I reckon I think that's the first joke I've done in three years on here.
Not just on here.
Is he saying, "New debating rules - "we can only speak when we are holding the marrow"? This is a photo of a politician and a really big vegetable - two of the only things that wear rosettes.
APPLAUSE Is it Jeremy Corbyn's party piece and he says, "I intend to close the conference "by playing Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street on my marrow"? Off his mind, he's playing air saxophone on a marrow.
That would be the finest.
HE HUMS BAKER STREE It's the only way he'll join in with the national anthem is on a novelty marrow sax.
HE HUMS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN Very good! - That would be good.
- That would be great, that would be great.
- Yeah.
Is it Corbyn recreating the dick pic he sent to Diane Abbott? It looks like the massive penis of a man who is hiding in that tree.
He's got it over Jeremy Corbyn's shoulder.
Can we move towards the correct answer, please? It's Jeremy Corbyn holding a marrow.
It is.
Yes, you are absolutely right, James.
It is Jeremy Corbyn holding a marrow.
APPLAUSE Yes, this is a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn holding a marrow, presented to him by a local store in Brighton, prior to this week's Labour Party conference.
Have you been watching the Conference? We all expected more.
Me, I thought two weeks in of Corbyn's leadership, London would be burned to the ground.
Buckingham Palace would be a soup kitchen.
The Queen would be queueing in a Giro centre waiting for her benefits.
- HE IMPERSONATES THE QUEEN - "One is the Queen.
" I get the feeling though he doesn't really want to discuss much at the conference, he's just still so over-excited he got in.
He's like at the conference, he's excited he got a hotel room for a couple of nights.
On the phone to John McDonnell, going "Yeah, just put the card in "the wall and it turns the lights on! I just did it.
"We've got bathrobes, slippers - your mini-bar locked as well? "Yeah, I know, Molton Brown.
Quality, innit?" Why did one of Corbyn's shadow cabinet appointments upset farmers? Oh, his farming minister is a vegan.
She's the only politician less welcome on a farm than David Cameron.
The good thing about having a vegan Agriculture Minister is they will not talk bullshit.
They talk organic mulch.
She wants to treat meat eaters the same as smokers, doesn't she? - Yeah.
- And you're thinking, well, you know, certainly if you go into Pizza Hut and order the Meat Feast, you'll think twice about that, won't you, if you have to eat it outside? I don't know, if people gathered outside offices to just eat meat, I think that would become enormously popular.
Just eating a Peperami like this.
"Bloody hell, it didn't used to be like this, did it?" Sitting under one of those heat lamps, slowly cooking.
APPLAUSE You can imagine meat-eaters going away to European holidays just to come back and be like, "It's amazing! You can still eat meat inside over there!" But then the NHS could help with, like wean you off with like a meat patch.
Or you could just chew an Oxo cube if you were getting, like, pangs.
Could you put an Oxo cube into an e-cigarette and vape it? Would that be the same thing? "Oh, beefy.
Mm, I really need that.
" Sorry, it just sounded like you're having sex with Ian Botham then.
APPLAUSE "Oh, tell me again about those long walks, Beefy.
" I think she's got a point though.
I think meat is quite similar to smoking.
I think, you know, a lot of people after sex they like to have a cigarette, and I like to, after sex, just have a quick spit roast.
LAUGHTER OK, who also had a party conference this week? I believe it was Ukip, Dara.
It was of course Ukip.
Yes, they did, yeah.
Nigel Farage, Big fan of the show.
How are you, Nigel? Good to see you.
The thing about it was they didn't have enough people, did they, at Ukip? They had to slash the ticket prices because nobody was turning up.
I mean, they keep on telling us the country's full but they can't even fill their own conference hall, can they? APPLAUSE It was at Doncaster Race Course, which is weird, given the trouble they've had with the first past the post system.
Why would they have it there? There was a woman who'd had a tattoo of Nigel Farage done on her arm.
- Yes, there was.
- There we go.
But I'm wondering if it was a mistake.
I'm wondering You're wondering if it was a mistake? I just wondered if the tattooist said, "I'm going to be doing "a painful prick on your arm.
" And she was surprised by what she got.
APPLAUSE Why are these people paying to go and watch the Ukip conference? If you want to watch, like, boring old men in shit clothes talking about hating foreigners, Top Gear's on Amazon soon.
APPLAUSE In other news, what essential task will British astronaut Major Tim Peake be responsible for aboard the International Space Stations? Is this the geezer sent up to fix the toilet? OK They are not just sending the geezer up to fix the toilet.
- Am I wrong? - No, in many ways you are correct.
- Am I wrong? Am I wrong? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Former helicopter pilot Major Tim Peake is not Please tell me he was a plumber first.
He was not a plumber.
They didn't go, "Yeah we're just going to "train a guy, he'll be with you in a month or two.
" I'd love it if he was a plumber first and he went, "Yeah, I can do that, but I finish work at three on a Friday.
" They'll be floating on a space station going, "He said between two and six.
" "I can't believe I stayed in for this.
"I had a whole space walk worked out.
" It's not an ordinary toilet, though, is it? - No, clearly it's not an ordinary toilet.
- It's weightless.
You have to hold yourself down and then you poo into a vacuum cleaner.
Is not just the hoover, though, is it? It's a hoover and a big fan that apparently keeps everything flowing in the right direction.
What happens when the shit hits the fan? APPLAUSE He's going up there just to fix the toilet, or are they sending him up to be a toilet attendant? Is he taking up a load of aftershave with him and some Chupa Chups? "No Armani, no poonani.
" "No splash, no gash" - that's another one they say.
AUDIENCE GROAN I'm just repeating what they say to me in the toilet.
You go to very different nightclubs to the ones I go.
Andy, when was the last time you went to a nightclub? Well, it was - Yeah, Andy, yeah.
- .
.
four weeks ago, Rob.
No! - Yeah.
- Where did you go? And did they have the directions you were looking for? Yes, they did.
It was a jump to the left and a jump to the right.
When was the last time you went to a nightclub, Dara? - I went dancing about week ago.
- Was it? - Yeah, in Dublin.
- I had a great night.
- I've been dancing with you.
- I bet you dominate a dancefloor.
- I own the floor, bitches.
At Latitude Festival, they put on Eternal Flame and you got everyone in the tent to form a circle, and then you danced in the middle.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I can also play it on the marrow.
HE HUMS ETERNAL FLAME Is it right with the astronaut's toilet, because they have to reverse in We all have to reverse in, I suppose.
I actually come up through the U-bend.
Do you sit like that, like those annoying bosses at work? "Right, so" Good quarter, guys I can flush my nose, watch.
There is a comedian we all know and we can't tell you who it was, who very drunkenly came into the toilet once at a hotel in Galway and sat down on the porcelain, and did what he had to do and went to bed.
He got up the next day and looked in the bath, and had sat on the edge of the bath.
Oh, my God! - Is that Ed Byrne? - Yes.
- No, it is not Ed Byrne.
While we're in space, although we weren't, we were in a hotel in Galway having a shit in a bath.
We weren't.
I didn't look across and go, "Hello".
All around it, back to back.
Four Irish comedians all going, "Oh, hello.
" While we're in space, what exciting discovery did NASA announce this week? They've discovered liquid water I didn't know that water could be any other form, but anyway You're familiar with steam and ice, I presume? But that is not water.
At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Hugh and James.
APPLAUSE Now we play a round called Is There Laugh On Mars? This game involves James and Josh, so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel Of News and wherever it chooses to stop, one of up performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
Here we go, let's spin the wheel.
The first subject is technology.
Who wants to come in on that? Josh.
I don't want to brag, but I've got a new debit card.
Yeah.
I've got one of the old touchy downy If you haven't got one of these, you have not lived, my friends.
Never did you feel so smug in your life.
When they go, "How would you like to pay?" "Just have, mate, see you later.
" "Where am I off? The future.
" The thing is, you get used to it.
You can't go back.
You go somewhere now, where they haven't got the technology, "Do you want to just put in your PIN number?" "Are you kidding me? "You expect me to stand here for four seconds pushing buttons? "What is this, a Victorian workhouse? "No, I'm sorry, Marks and Spencers, no.
"I'll be getting my Percy Pigs elsewhere in future.
" The worst is when you think they have the touchdown technology, but they haven't.
You look like you've never used a debit card before in your life.
"How would you like to pay?" You just go.
"Are you having a breakdown?" I don't like it when they've got the terminal and they have to ask your permission.
"Do you mind if I just?" "Yeah, I couldn't give a shit.
" Just in case he goes, "£4,000, unlucky, my friend.
"Enjoy your Sprite.
" It's the opposite of the other one I don't like, which is when the waiter makes too much of not looking at your PIN number.
Hate that.
"If you'd just like to put in your PIN number.
" I wasn't suspicious of you until now.
Thank you very much, Josh.
APPLAUSE OK, that leaves us with James.
Let's see what you've been left with.
Let's spin the wheel.
And the subject is food.
I'm trying to eat more healthily lately.
I've bought some ready to eat apricots this week.
They say you are what you eat, which is true because as soon as I bought the ready to eat apricots, I was ready to eat apricots.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Those ready to eat apricots came in a resealable bag because not everyone is as ready to eat apricots as they think they are.
Maybe next time they will buy ready to eat SOME apricots I know shitloads about bread.
There's no such thing as prawn bread.
So the origin of prawn toast remains a mystery.
My favourite place to eat is Pret A Manger.
If you don't know Pret A Manger, it's an authentic French restaurant.
So much in there, so much to manger.
I love mangering there.
My favourite thing to manger is the yoghurts.
I love to manger the yoghurts.
You've got granola on top, then mainly yoghurt, then, like, fruit compote at the bottom.
It's the way they eat it in Paree.
And you get a spoon, you mix it all together and then you manger it that way, if you like.
Or leave it as it is, don't mix it and just work your way down in order, like start off with nothing but granola to begin with, just shove raw granola in your mouth, deflect it off your teeth, and power through the yoghurt for a long time, getting absolutely nothing out of it, then end on the tangy compote, like, "Whoa! What a finale!" That's how I eat yoghurt.
I eat them like they're packaged.
It's why I like them Fruit Corners.
They come with that little chaser.
APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
At the end of that road, the points go to James Acaster! APPLAUSE The next round is called If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question? On the board are six categories.
Ellie, which category would you like? - World News, please.
- World News it is.
The answer is: What is the question? Um, is it how long before David Cameron makes his wife a ham sandwich again? Is it how long it took me to do the first two years of school? Is it how long does it take Rob Beckett to clean his teeth? APPLAUSE It's not far off.
I just have to do a bit whenever I can.
It's a constant work.
It's just a bit of Cillit Bang on a stiff broom, I'm done.
Is it, on average, how much younger do I look on Dave? Is it, if there was a fire alarm at Bake Off, how long would it take Mary Berry to exit the tent? GROANS FROM AUDIENCE Come on, mate! Leave Mary Berry out of this.
Awful image of the coroner just looking at her body going, "See, what's happened here, you've left her in too long.
" - APPLAUSE - Oh, my God! - Please! - "I'll give you this, it is cooked in the middle.
" Mel and Sue will keep it light.
- Do actions.
- A few funny little They'll mug around, it'll be fine.
As they cremate Mary Berry, Mel and Sue'll be there going, "Ready, set, bake!" Is it, for how long have I wondered why Mary Berry is nothing like her sister Halle? APPLAUSE Is it how long my battery lasted on my Nokia 3310? Still going, somewhere in a drawer.
Somewhere in a drawer, that phone is still there, going, "Yeah! "I'm still here! You can't stop me! You've even taken the battery out! "It doesn't matter!" "I'm playing Snake on myself!" I bought a Nokia 3310, cos I had my phone stolen, put it in a drawer, got my phone stolen again six months later and just took up and it was still going! When you've got mates that ring you, the battery goes down.
APPLAUSE OK, do any of you have the correct answer here? I think it is how long have the European Union known that you could cheat on emissions tests.
That's absolutely right.
Thank you very much.
Well done, Hugh.
Yes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How do you know that?! The question I was looking for was How long have EU officials known about devices being used to cheat emissions tests in diesel cars.
This revelation follows the news that Volkswagen, the world's biggest car manufacturer, has been caught using so-called "defeat devices" on 11 million cars.
So it's like when it gets tested, it's not emitting as much This is the freaky thing.
The car knows it's being tested, so the car kind of shuts down its engine a bit so it doesn't emit as much stuff.
Well, that's just like holding in farts on the first date.
It is almost the EXACT parallel.
And then once you're going out with them, bombs away.
That is almost exactly the metaphor which best explains it.
It's a bit boring, though, innit, as a scandal goes? Last week, it's Piggate, now we're talking about diesel emissions.
Can't someone spice it up and get a politician to stick their dick in a Beetle's exhaust? There is good news out there, though, isn't there, for those VW executives implicated and for the shareholders? Cos if they're thinking of ending it all in the classic car-fumes way, they'll be able to do it much quicker than they originally thought, won't they? I don't think it is boring, though.
I think this is the most exciting German emissions scandal since Boris Becker went in that broom cupboard.
People are saying that it's going to damage the reputation of Germany and they're not going to come back from it.
They've come back from worse! APPLAUSE And you know what I'm talking about.
Frank Lampard's goal, 2010.
How has a monkey sparked debate this week? - Oh, it's the selfie monkey.
- It is the selfie monkey.
It's obviously quite an old story, the monkey that took the selfie, and we all like that picture, but now it's, like, in court, who owns the rights to the image? - Yep.
- It's debated whether it's the photographer, who owned the camera and left it there for the monkey to play with, or if it is the monkey who owns the right to a photo it didn't know it was taking.
How long does it take for HIM to clean his teeth? Animal-rights activists and Peta have argued that the monkey should own the rights to the photograph and therefore should gain any financial benefit from the photograph, including the money we will spend by putting it on the show now.
So whatever it costs to put a photograph on Mock The Week, the monkey will be sitting somewhere in Borneo or somewhere, going, "Cha-ching!" - And making that face.
- Making it rain, Dara.
- "Making it rain!" IMITATES MONKEY LAUGHING APPLAUSE The funny thing about this is the fact that, how degrading for the photographer that the greatest photo ever taken was done by a monkey and not him.
But the monkey's not going to have a career as a photographer.
I'm not going to go to a wedding and go, "Where's the photographer?" "Masturbating and throwing shit at the bridesmaids.
" Not again, anyway.
"He ruined the first wedding! This is why we had to do it all again!" "Here's our wedding photos.
"It's just a load of selfies taken by a monkey, erm, obsessed with itself.
" In the veil, holding the bouquet Behind it, there was a bride and groom just trying to look around it.
- He's going - IMITATES MONKEY LAUGHING .
.
to take a photograph of himself.
"That'd better not have been of yourself again.
" "Are you doing a selfie again, selfie monkey?" Wasting everyone's time.
"No, just the bride's family.
" If you can't see the camera, I can't see you.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Ah! And at the end of that, the points go to Rob, Hugh and James! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, we come to Scenes We'd Like To See.
So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is And that's a wonderful sleight-of-hand from the Welsh fly-half.
He's picked up the loose ball, he's tucked it back in his shorts and nobody seems to have noticed.
BUZZER APPLAUSE I can see Nico Rosberg's helmet.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Apologies.
After 15 years in this job, I've just been told it's not pronounced crow-qwet.
LAUGHTER BUZZER And after that victory, they'll be dancing on the street of Samoa tonight.
BUZZER DARA LAUGHS 100m in 4 hours 26 minutes.
And that is meter-reading at its very best.
BUZZER Now, Gary Kasparov, he's going to move his porn, and he's done it just in time - his wife's home, but he's got it under the bed! BUZZER Welcome to beach volleyball.
The players are currently getting changed into their kits while their mums hold a towel up in front of them.
BUZZER And Shane Warne will be laughing on the other side of this face after that surgery.
BUZZER I'd like to apologise.
What you're watching is, in fact, Judo, and not, as I said earlier, timed pyjama cuddling.
BUZZER APPLAUSE Now this should be relatively easy for Rory McIlroy.
Oh, how has he done that? All he had to do was to say "Get a Santander 123 account.
" BUZZER Kasparov toying with his bishop Oh, no! His wife's home, she's caught him! BUZZER Ah, that pot was remarkable but now I've got a major case of the munchies.
BUZZER We'd just like to refute the idea that the BBC has lost coverage rights of all good sports.
We now cross to a girl playing noughts and crosses against a clown.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER What a thrilling cricket match(!) APPLAUSE BUZZER Left hand, big right hand! Right hand again! Big left hand! Why has no-one put these gloves in pairs?! APPLAUSE BUZZER What the fuck is a furlong? APPLAUSE BUZZER OK, the next topic is On ITV2 next, What Katie Did Next, which I'm guessing is get her tits out and marry some thick prick for publicity purposes.
APPLAUSE BUZZER I can see you.
LAUGHTER BUZZER A very special episode of Songs Of Praise now, coming live from Stringfellows.
BUZZER That was Game Of Thrones, and if you're affected by any of the issues raised in that show, what the fuck is wrong with your family? APPLAUSE BUZZER Is masturbation bad for you? That's not the next programme, I'm just thinking aloud.
BUZZER Next up, Baking And Entering, with Antony Worrall Thompson.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Next up, Ross Kemp meets one of America's toughest gangs.
But before that, a minute's silence for Ross Kemp.
BUZZER APPLAUSE No! Damn! This is bullshit! I hate it when the Eggheads win! LAUGHTER BUZZER Now on Channel 4, One Born Every Minute, including graphic scenes of childbirth that some viewers may find inspiration to get a coil.
BUZZER And now on Channel 4, Skins Foreskins! HE LAUGHS BUZZER Next up on Channel 4 plus one minus two divided by three, Countdown.
BUZZER Next up, we have literally the only episode of Top Of The Pops 2 we're allowed to show.
LAUGHTER BUZZER That was Mock The Week.
Wasn't it weird when one of them said the exact same thing I'm saying right now? Still, talented fellow.
BUZZER Next up on BBC Wait a minute, are those hippos swimming in a circle? LAUGHTER Why are we watching Homes Under The Hammer?! BUZZER Now, it's one of those X Factor episodes where they sing next to a swimming pool, I presume to prepare them for a life singing on cruise ships.
APPLAUSE BUZZER You're watching the Adult Channel +1, because that Viagra's taking a while to kick in.
BUZZER Well, next up, it's Midlands Today so if you're watching in the Orkneys, you can fuck off.
LAUGHTER And at the end of that round, the points go to James, Hugh and Rob.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's the end of the show.
This week's winners are Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor and Josh Widdicombe.
CHEERING Commiserations to James Acaster, Hugh Dennis and Rob Beckett.
CHEERING Thank you for watching.
I'm Dara O Briain, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # Don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it News of the world, news of the world.