Mock the Week (2005) s14e12 Episode Script
Compilation
1 # Read about the things that happen throughout the world # But don't believe in everything you see or hear # Read all about it # Read all about it News of the world News of the world CHEERING AND APPLAUSE # Read all about it Read all about it News of the world News of the world.
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain and if I'm standing here, that can only mean it's time for our end of series special.
There will be outtakes, new material, favourite clips and a sensational song and dance ending with Jeremy Corbyn, Sepp Blatter and a pig's head on board a mega-bus.
So, stay tuned for that.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
I'll show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, here's the picture of the HE MUMBLES Too quickly, didn't I? Yeah, do you want me to roll back and do it again? Do you want to do that again? Sorry Yeah, you like to reveal It's been a cracking start the show, hasn't it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
In this round, I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, what's happening here? Foreplay.
Foreplay is the first answer we've received.
Is David Cameron saying, "I met your mum once?" Is it a poster for the new film Babe 3: City Boy And The Pig? Has the Ashley Madison website been hacked again? Well done at taking two recent stories and slamming them together into one.
- Boom! - Top-quality points for that.
Is the Cameron is going, "Whatever you do "don't open your mouth.
" LAUGHTER AND GROANS Don't go "aw" at any stage, right? Cos we are not the ones who made this story happen.
All right? Has somebody said, "Pulled pork," and David Cameron's going, "No, we're just good friends.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, lovely stuff.
That is not the answer.
Is it Prime Minister updates his Tinder profile picture? Is this a photo of David Cameron singing a rousing rendition of 2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls? Is Cameron going, "No, I won't blow your house down "provided you just do a little something for me"? I mean, he has caught the pig in front of the house made of bricks, to be fair.
It's the third one.
APPLAUSE He is looking very happy in that picture, though.
Is it Prime Minister gets a massive lard-on? APPLAUSE Is there an angry farmer somewhere shouting, "No, David.
I said, 'Pluck a fig'!" Is that a phrase anyone has ever said? "Oh, where are you off?" "Fig plucking.
" I'd sooner be a fig plucker than fig plucker's son.
Yeah.
- Well done.
- Yeah, I was gambling there, but I got it I think that photo is just David Cameron going, "Oh, well, this photoshoot's never going to come back "and bite me in the ass, is it?" "There's no harm in me visiting a petting zoo.
"There won't be any problems with that, whatsoever.
" Surely, it would be a heavy petting zoo, anyway LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What are the latest money-saving proposals for the police that were announced this week? This is Leicestershire Police.
They have been saving money by only investigating burglaries at even-numbered houses - and they've told everybody about it.
- LAUGHTER To be fair the Leicester police, this odd-number, even-number thing was a trial they ran because they don't have the resources to investigate every crime.
And they needed some way to divide it, so one street doesn't get a full forensic investigation.
I think it's not only houses, is it? It's shops as well.
You can rob any 7-Eleven you like now.
Apparently, they will only investigate a burglary at an odd-numbered house if there's blood at the scene or there's been an arrest.
- Yeah, so if it's serious.
- Yeah! So, you know, if you wanted If you live in an odd-numbered house and you want to get investigation and there's no blood and no arrest, presumably, your only option is to cut yourself or confess.
Or quickly menstruate.
LAUGHTER SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER "Quickly!" I just thought that was so "Menstruate.
" That is the worst superpower ever! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Time is of the essence, darling.
"We're not going to get this DVD player back "without you putting some effort in, so come on!" If they're trying to do policing on the cheap, though, why don't they employ those strippergrams? Cos they've already got their own uniform, haven't they? I think they're more expensive than the police.
If they're trying to detain people, they can obviously, you know, they'll be able to do that and distract them at the same Give me one reason to say, "Copper, really? "Hit it!" HE MAKES RIPPING SOUND I want to thank whoever from the production company who left the disk for a Philips monitor user's manual on my desk for me to see during the show.
It's really handy.
I'll upload that as the show proceeds.
It's in two languages.
In Japanese as well.
Oh, it comes with the monitor drivers and the SmartControl software.
HE CLICKS TONGUE Lovely! Ching-ching.
Does that mean that we've recorded none of this so far? Who has been running wild with Bear Grylls recently? - Obama.
- Obama, yes.
That's him.
A selfie of him.
Why was he there? What was he doing? He was there on a survival, sort of, programme for two days, but if he Would have been a doddle for Obama, wasn't it? I mean, he has survived eight years as a Black US president.
Does he realise that he is still president? Because he's just pissing around now.
Two weeks' time you're going to hear the phrase, "Dancing for survival, "it's Barack and Christina.
" This is supposed to be a survival programme.
What technique are they demonstrating here - a selfie without a stick? And also of all the places where he could find a stick, you'd think they could make one.
They fashioned one.
They fashioned a stick for selfies out of local shrubbery and Yes Oh, my God! Hilariously, my monitor just stopped working.
If only we had the instruction disk for a monitor(!) APPLAUSE There are crisis negotiations taking place between the IMF and Well, the troika of different bodies that have lent money to them, and to the Greeks.
And I think the Greeks will win the negotiation.
And I'm willing to go on the line for this because with only some time to go during the negotiation, with the Greeks going, "Please "Give usbail us out, bail us out, bail us out.
" All they need to do They've got one card the Greeks can play, which is they can play that music, which means you will eventually Cos it starts It just starts Like, just quietly in the background.
MUSIC: Zorbas By Mikis Theodorakis "Give us the money.
" "No.
" "Give us the money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" And then over time, slowly the pressure builds on this music until eventually it's like FASTER: "Give us some money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" Eventually, I believe it gets faster and faster till RAPIDLY: "Give us some money, give us some money, "give us some money, give us some money" And they go, "Have the cash.
Take the cash and go.
Leave me alone.
" It's just like that.
APPLAUSE Really, I just wanted you to spend the rest of the evening going HE HUMS ZORBAS Could you hear that as well? Thank God.
I was worried there for a second.
- Can we play the music again? - Yeah.
Oh, I love the music.
Yeah, let's do it again.
One more time.
The middle bit.
- MUSIC: Zorbas by Mikis Theodorakis - Does the show start again? AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG Oh, my God, this is so fun.
AUDIENCE CLAPS FASTER THAN MUSIC They're going faster than us.
They're going too fast.
Can this table take our combined weight if we all? SHE SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY I'm sure the people of Greece will be absolutely delighted(!) Is it according to legend how much of you is your head? Yes.
Duly noted.
I'll tell you what it could be - what proportion of that team have I seen completely butt-naked.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF-WHISTLES Yeah! We used to share a flat and I used to get bored and get in your bed.
I didn't live with Rob permanently.
This is an Edinburgh Festival situation.
I don't want people to think that we had actually cohabitated on a permanent basis.
- LAUGHTER - But what did happen was is that So, Rob used to get naked all the time, he would windmill.
- Do you know? - LAUGHTER I can imagine that, I can imagine it, yeah.
It was more like a propeller on an Airfix plane.
"Windy Miller is here again.
Windy Miller!" - You know, just constantly.
- LAUGHTER And then Windy Miller?! Windy Miller isn't the Windy Miller isn't the thing that went He's a little man who walked through.
Yeah Who was the little man who's walking through your penis as it went around and around? So, Rob was backstage at the show.
He knew that I hated this whole naked thing.
I said, "Thank you very much, I've been Romesh.
" That's how I usually finish a show.
And then I put the mic in the stand, turn around, Rob is waiting in the wings windmilling his ass off again.
- LAUGHTER - "Surprise, Windy Miller is back!" Is windmilling just waving it about or is there something more? Well, it's worming, isn't it? You're not actually grindingcorn or anything.
Yeah.
- It serves no practical purpose.
- It doesn't.
It's not driving our economy in any way.
At no point will Rob make bread from What are the chanceswhat are the chances if you put wings on that you could get unpowered flight, do you think? - I've got quite a small cock, so - LAUGHTER Do you think that if you had a big one, it would be possible? Is that what you're saying? - I'm a dreamer! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Our next round is called Newsreel.
We play on a recent piece of footage featuring people in news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
This week's clip features the Prime Minister.
- IMITATES ANGELA MERKEL: - "Well, lovely to see you, David.
"Oink, oink.
" - IMITATES DAVID CAMERON: - "Lovely to see too, Angela, "particularly because when the car pulled up, "I thought you were Nicola Sturgeon.
Terrible "Anyway, loving the jacket.
"Have you come as one of the Minions?" - MERKEL: - "I'm wearing yellow cos it's the colour of Nick Clegg "and I know how much you miss him.
"Also, it's the colour of mustard you might have on pork.
" - CAMERON: - "Oh, what, that silly thing? "Oh, that's a plinth, small enough to hold the names "of every refugee we haven't let in from Syria.
" "Anyway, over to you Angela.
" - MERKEL: - "Thank you very much, David.
There are many things "Germans would like to teach Britain - "how to make a decent car, "how to falsify emissions records" - CAMERON: - "Oh, God, I can't help daydreaming.
I wonder "how Porky is now.
" - MERKEL: - "But this time, "mostly, I want to talk about the European referendum.
"Your plan to renegotiate then hold an in-out referendum.
"This is wrong.
It should be, in-out, in-out, "then shake it all about.
" - CAMERON: - "Well, Thank you, Angela.
"That's certainly the approach I took in Oxford "all those years ago.
- "Thank you.
" - APPLAUSE Moving on, what has the government launched for worried parents this week? It's a, kind of, instructions on the acronyms - your kid might be using on the internet.
- Yes, it is.
It's a guide for parents and presumably, also paedophiles as to what acronyms children are using online.
They It'd be, like, "naked in front of the computer" is one of them.
NIFC is "naked in front of the computer.
" They're living very different lives to when I was a teenager.
The only time I was naked in front of the computer is if I took a shower halfway through playing Championship Manager.
P99 means "parents alert.
" MOS means "mother over shoulder.
" Yeah Which, presumably, means, like, she's staring over your shoulder rather than "Oi!" "Can't text now, got me mother over me shoulder.
" MOOS is "member of the other sex.
" Or, presumably, "mother over other shoulder.
" "Bloody hell, coming down with the mothers on the shoulders here.
"Jesus Christ! Whose mother are you two, anyway?" Are parents not just going to get paranoid of every, single acronym they read now? Just going, like, "Oh, I think my son is doing ganja, "cocaine, speed and ecstasy.
" "No, he's doing his GCSEs.
That's what he's doing.
" They're reading a text and at the end of it, it just said, "Bye.
" "What does this mean? What does this mean at the end of this? "What does it mean - B-Y-E? "'Bring your erection'? What is this?" Bring your erection! APPLAUSE That classic booty call of bring your erection.
"Oh, hang on, um Oh! "Left me erection at home.
" "Don't think about coming round here without your erection again.
" The only revenge, really, for parents is to turn and go, "Yeah, you think you've got a code for that? You think "You're not the only one with a code.
Remember the weekend "you were staying with your grandmother cos we were going "to a 'school reunion'? Oh, no.
You and your mumBOOM!" "Want me to describe it to you? Yeah, that's what we did.
"We went to a hotel somewhere.
That's all we did.
Yeah, yeah.
" "And remember when we told you your dog went to the 'farm'?" "Yeah, me and your mumBOOM!" Here's a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn this week.
So, what is going on here? Is this the beginning of the world's most harrowing sex education lesson? Is he actually launching the new Trident replacement? Is it just him going, "Ladies"? - Did you just do that in my voice? - SHE LAUGHS That's what I think is a really sexy voice, Josh.
Oh, cheers, mate.
Cheers.
Has the marrow entered Jeremy Corbyn in a funny looking vegetable competition? Is this a photo of the last two leaders of the Labour Party? Is it Corbyn defects to the Greens.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh - Oh, lovely one.
APPLAUSE Yeah.
Thanks.
- Too right.
- I reckon I think that's the first joke I've done in three years on here.
- Not just on here.
- HE LAUGHS Is he saying, "New debating rules - "we can only speak when we are holding the marrow.
" This is a photo of a politician and a really big vegetable - two of the only things that wear rosettes.
APPLAUSE Is it Jeremy Corbyn's party piece and he says, "I intend to close the conference "by playing Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street on my marrow"? Off his mind, he's playing air saxophone on a marrow.
That would be the finest HE TOOTS BAKER STREE It's the only way he'll join in with the national anthem is on a novelty marrow sax.
HE TOOTS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN HE TOOTS JAZZY FLOURISH - That's very good! - That would've been great.
That would've been great, yeah.
Is it Corbyn recreating the dick pic he sent to Diane Abbott? It looks like the massive penis of a man who is hiding in that tree.
He's got it over Jeremy Corbyn's shoulder.
"Through all this difficult time, the one thing we've always been "able to rely on is Oh, but now they're doing our dance WRONG, "incorrectly.
" When the music comes on, I start doing lobster hands for some random reason.
I keep doing this.
Like, it's a pincer dance.
Oh HE HUMS MUSIC: Zorbas by Mikis Theodorakis APPLAUSE In other news, one of BBC's producers Ah, sorry, do that again.
Sorry.
In other news, one of BBC's HE MUMBLES BBC whose? BBC produce What? Shall I do that again? Oh, is this part of the story? Is it about mumbling? It's mumbling, yeah.
All right.
OK, don't point to a mumbler.
- It was very clever how you gave us a clue.
- It was, yes.
I play with the form.
OVERARTICULATES: In other news Oh.
Erm LAUGHTER Was it about forced enunciation? It was about forced enunciation.
Yes, it was.
OVERARTICULATES: .
.
asked their producers to do this week.
Yeah, it was about mumbling.
All right?! Not this show.
This show has never been accused of it despite me hosting it.
But That's because what you don't know is, at home, they can press the red button and Stephen Fry pops up and translates it for everyone.
APPLAUSE Stephen doing it, "Well, what I think Dara is trying to say "is the points go to" Anyway Yes, it is about mumbling, specifically There was a drama - which I didn't see, maybe somebody else did - I think it was called Jamaica Inn.
And they had lots and lots of complaints.
Now, the other drama is Poldark that I also haven't seen - SHE GIGGLES - Is that how you? Poldark.
- BOTH: - Poldark.
- This is very popular, so now they are really worried.
Yes, they were really worried.
I actually saw Jamaica Inn cos I watched it thinking it was going to be something else that it wasn't.
Like, "Dude, Jamaica has changed.
" It's meant to be very good, Poldark, isn't it? But it is, in fact, an anagram of old crap.
I remember having similar problems with Pingu, though, and they never changed that.
- Do you still watch it to check? - Yeah, yeah, I still I have to stay up late and wait for the guy doing the sign language to APPLAUSE Oh, Pingu.
HE IMITATES PINGU SARA IMITATES PINGU In Pingu, the guy's just stood in the corner going HE HUMS HIGH PITCH HE HUMS LOW PITCH The mumbling issue is quite important, isn't it? Cos I think Jeremy Corbyn has even appointed a minister for mumbling.
Cos you feel it's important that their voices be heard.
- Why not? Why not? - APPLAUSE - What was the big story in men football this week? - Men football? The Copa America is on, right? And a player got sent off because the guy who was marking him fingered him in the backside .
.
and when he turned around, the guy who had done, you know, the deed with the finger pretended to go down as if he had been hit.
He fingered him and then went down? Yes, exactly.
How is that a bookable offence? That sounds Sounds generous.
If anything, it seems overly intimate.
And he got his bumhole fingered, didn't he? - He got Well, there was Yeah - A finger went in his bumhole - and then - In the general area It was quite proctological.
There was an element of "Well, if you are going to check my prostate, "at least train for a few yearsin this field.
" I like how you're making it scientific, but we just want to say - bumhole fingering.
- He put his finger in his bumhole.
I don't think I've ever heard anyone say the word bumhole - more often than this one.
- Bumhole is funny, isn't it? You finally got a catchphrase.
Something that people can shout at you in the street.
I almost regret bringing that story up now.
Can we move on? - I mean, you brought it up, Dara, to be fair.
- OK, the next story OK HE MUMBLES OK.
What became legal across all the United States this week? - Bumhole fingering! - Stop it! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's very difficult to lie and claim you are taller than you are when you're the only member of the team that is on a booster seat.
The way they introduce is you have to do little pickups covering various options for Fuck me, everyone has gone! LAUGHTER - Am I invisible? - Oh, no, you, you are still here, Hugh.
- You're always here.
- Yeah.
Shall I tell you why I'm here? I've already gone.
BUZZER We are live from Las Vegas for the grudge match of the century between Hulk Hogan and the Harlem Globetrotters.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER He's racist, isn't he? LAUGHTER I can't do it all! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm almost certain my producer has got this wrong.
I am a train Oh, bollock, piddle, fuck, wank.
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll Definitely doing that again! We're definitely That was the shittiest six people getting out of chairs we've had in ten years of this show.
- OK, we need you to answer this question.
- OK.
We have chosen you to answer this question because of many of your unique skills.
Including your attendance.
LAUGHTER Why did one of Corbyn's shadow cabinet appointments upset farmers? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The LAUGHTER How long can I keep this up? LAUGHTER Have you got the buzzer? BUZZER There you go.
There's also an answer for this one.
- Probably come from Hugh again.
- OK.
Hugh, you're on fire today, I have to say.
Compliment you on how well I was on fire but I've wet myself.
At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Hugh and LOUD APPLAUSE - "Ed, Hugh and Milton?" - Milton? Nathan.
Sorry, I apologise.
I mumbled it I said Nathan.
You said Milton! I did not say Milton.
There is literally no way Me and Milton, we get confused all the time.
LAUGHTER Tom Daley there receiving surprisingly low marks.
Pa Balls.
In other news, what essential task will British astronaut Major Tim Peake be responsible for aboard the International Space Station? - He's going to unclog the shitter! - He's not.
LAUGHTER What's the fucking problem? Yeah.
SLURS: Just as funny now as it was earlier on.
OK, translates this, Stephen fucking Fry.
LAUGHTER OK, here we go, the first subject is The dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant asteroid.
Silly them for all standing in the same place.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Where the protons see the electron.
BUZZER Scientists in Loughborough found the formula to make the perfect cup of tea, which is quite controversial as the grant was for AIDS research.
BUZZER See, and the problem with cocaine is it's well moreish.
BUZZER Well, we could ask a proper scientist about this or we could ask Dara O Briain.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER Hello, my name is Dara O Briain.
And to try and bring science to the masses, I'm going to appear in a programme with Stephen Hawking wearing a ridiculous hat.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Just Just enough with the Just, you know.
I love that hat, by the way.
Hello.
I am Dara O Briain.
And I've got a massive head and a massive brain, but all I get to do in this bit is just press a little buzzer.
BUZZER Mr O Briain, I award you a PhD LAUGHTER Phenomenal head, Dara.
APPLAUSE I would just like to say that I think Dara O Briain is a legend.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I work with Dara O Briain.
And today my experiment is to turn this joke into a P45.
BUZZER OK.
The next topic is lines you wouldn't read in a romantic novel.
He grabbed her hand, he held it tightly and they skipped off through the fields of daffodils and it was that moment she thought he might be a little bit gay.
BUZZER She felt every part of his eight inches, he was stiff, absolutely rigid and even in her innocence she knew, her hamster was dead.
BUZZER He felt a swelling down there.
Shouldn't have tried to bang a beehive.
BUZZER He took her hand in his and squeezed it.
"Now," he thought, "I wonder where the rest of her body is.
" BUZZER I want to role-play.
I'll be a prince from a mythical land and you be your sister.
BUZZER He looked at the tattoo of Chinese writing on her back, he didn't know what it meant, but he did know she'd put out on a first date.
BUZZER Jeremy Corbyn, you've got me blindfolded, what are you going to do now? "Nothing, I just wanted to highlight the injustice of inmates "detained at Camp X-Ray without a fair trial.
" "Why? "Why does it end like this?" she said.
"Childhood accident," he replied.
"I crushed it in a trouser press.
" BUZZER APPLAUSE The debutants paraded in the ballroom in front of the rich landowners and the master of ceremonies proudly proclaimed, "Let the Darcys fondle the arsies!" BUZZER She felt her bosom heaving as Mr Darcy came ever closer.
"Blimey," he said.
"You don't get many of them to the pound.
" BUZZER Marjorie, I'm going to kiss you like you've never been kissed before.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER "Of course I've seen a black penis before," she said.
"Just never attached to a white man.
" LAUGHTER And at the end of that round the points go to Ed, Katherine and Andy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sometimes when you listen to the radio there's a tune that you can't get out of your head.
It sort of plays again and again and again, sort of gets faster and faster and faster and finally it comes on.
MUSIC: Zorbas by Mikis Theodorakis
This programme contains some strong language.
Hello and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain and if I'm standing here, that can only mean it's time for our end of series special.
There will be outtakes, new material, favourite clips and a sensational song and dance ending with Jeremy Corbyn, Sepp Blatter and a pig's head on board a mega-bus.
So, stay tuned for that.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
I'll show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, here's the picture of the HE MUMBLES Too quickly, didn't I? Yeah, do you want me to roll back and do it again? Do you want to do that again? Sorry Yeah, you like to reveal It's been a cracking start the show, hasn't it? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We start with a round called Picture Of The Week.
In this round, I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
So, what's happening here? Foreplay.
Foreplay is the first answer we've received.
Is David Cameron saying, "I met your mum once?" Is it a poster for the new film Babe 3: City Boy And The Pig? Has the Ashley Madison website been hacked again? Well done at taking two recent stories and slamming them together into one.
- Boom! - Top-quality points for that.
Is the Cameron is going, "Whatever you do "don't open your mouth.
" LAUGHTER AND GROANS Don't go "aw" at any stage, right? Cos we are not the ones who made this story happen.
All right? Has somebody said, "Pulled pork," and David Cameron's going, "No, we're just good friends.
" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh, lovely stuff.
That is not the answer.
Is it Prime Minister updates his Tinder profile picture? Is this a photo of David Cameron singing a rousing rendition of 2 Become 1 by the Spice Girls? Is Cameron going, "No, I won't blow your house down "provided you just do a little something for me"? I mean, he has caught the pig in front of the house made of bricks, to be fair.
It's the third one.
APPLAUSE He is looking very happy in that picture, though.
Is it Prime Minister gets a massive lard-on? APPLAUSE Is there an angry farmer somewhere shouting, "No, David.
I said, 'Pluck a fig'!" Is that a phrase anyone has ever said? "Oh, where are you off?" "Fig plucking.
" I'd sooner be a fig plucker than fig plucker's son.
Yeah.
- Well done.
- Yeah, I was gambling there, but I got it I think that photo is just David Cameron going, "Oh, well, this photoshoot's never going to come back "and bite me in the ass, is it?" "There's no harm in me visiting a petting zoo.
"There won't be any problems with that, whatsoever.
" Surely, it would be a heavy petting zoo, anyway LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE What are the latest money-saving proposals for the police that were announced this week? This is Leicestershire Police.
They have been saving money by only investigating burglaries at even-numbered houses - and they've told everybody about it.
- LAUGHTER To be fair the Leicester police, this odd-number, even-number thing was a trial they ran because they don't have the resources to investigate every crime.
And they needed some way to divide it, so one street doesn't get a full forensic investigation.
I think it's not only houses, is it? It's shops as well.
You can rob any 7-Eleven you like now.
Apparently, they will only investigate a burglary at an odd-numbered house if there's blood at the scene or there's been an arrest.
- Yeah, so if it's serious.
- Yeah! So, you know, if you wanted If you live in an odd-numbered house and you want to get investigation and there's no blood and no arrest, presumably, your only option is to cut yourself or confess.
Or quickly menstruate.
LAUGHTER SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER "Quickly!" I just thought that was so "Menstruate.
" That is the worst superpower ever! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Time is of the essence, darling.
"We're not going to get this DVD player back "without you putting some effort in, so come on!" If they're trying to do policing on the cheap, though, why don't they employ those strippergrams? Cos they've already got their own uniform, haven't they? I think they're more expensive than the police.
If they're trying to detain people, they can obviously, you know, they'll be able to do that and distract them at the same Give me one reason to say, "Copper, really? "Hit it!" HE MAKES RIPPING SOUND I want to thank whoever from the production company who left the disk for a Philips monitor user's manual on my desk for me to see during the show.
It's really handy.
I'll upload that as the show proceeds.
It's in two languages.
In Japanese as well.
Oh, it comes with the monitor drivers and the SmartControl software.
HE CLICKS TONGUE Lovely! Ching-ching.
Does that mean that we've recorded none of this so far? Who has been running wild with Bear Grylls recently? - Obama.
- Obama, yes.
That's him.
A selfie of him.
Why was he there? What was he doing? He was there on a survival, sort of, programme for two days, but if he Would have been a doddle for Obama, wasn't it? I mean, he has survived eight years as a Black US president.
Does he realise that he is still president? Because he's just pissing around now.
Two weeks' time you're going to hear the phrase, "Dancing for survival, "it's Barack and Christina.
" This is supposed to be a survival programme.
What technique are they demonstrating here - a selfie without a stick? And also of all the places where he could find a stick, you'd think they could make one.
They fashioned one.
They fashioned a stick for selfies out of local shrubbery and Yes Oh, my God! Hilariously, my monitor just stopped working.
If only we had the instruction disk for a monitor(!) APPLAUSE There are crisis negotiations taking place between the IMF and Well, the troika of different bodies that have lent money to them, and to the Greeks.
And I think the Greeks will win the negotiation.
And I'm willing to go on the line for this because with only some time to go during the negotiation, with the Greeks going, "Please "Give usbail us out, bail us out, bail us out.
" All they need to do They've got one card the Greeks can play, which is they can play that music, which means you will eventually Cos it starts It just starts Like, just quietly in the background.
MUSIC: Zorbas By Mikis Theodorakis "Give us the money.
" "No.
" "Give us the money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" And then over time, slowly the pressure builds on this music until eventually it's like FASTER: "Give us some money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" "Give us some money.
" "No.
" Eventually, I believe it gets faster and faster till RAPIDLY: "Give us some money, give us some money, "give us some money, give us some money" And they go, "Have the cash.
Take the cash and go.
Leave me alone.
" It's just like that.
APPLAUSE Really, I just wanted you to spend the rest of the evening going HE HUMS ZORBAS Could you hear that as well? Thank God.
I was worried there for a second.
- Can we play the music again? - Yeah.
Oh, I love the music.
Yeah, let's do it again.
One more time.
The middle bit.
- MUSIC: Zorbas by Mikis Theodorakis - Does the show start again? AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG Oh, my God, this is so fun.
AUDIENCE CLAPS FASTER THAN MUSIC They're going faster than us.
They're going too fast.
Can this table take our combined weight if we all? SHE SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY I'm sure the people of Greece will be absolutely delighted(!) Is it according to legend how much of you is your head? Yes.
Duly noted.
I'll tell you what it could be - what proportion of that team have I seen completely butt-naked.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF-WHISTLES Yeah! We used to share a flat and I used to get bored and get in your bed.
I didn't live with Rob permanently.
This is an Edinburgh Festival situation.
I don't want people to think that we had actually cohabitated on a permanent basis.
- LAUGHTER - But what did happen was is that So, Rob used to get naked all the time, he would windmill.
- Do you know? - LAUGHTER I can imagine that, I can imagine it, yeah.
It was more like a propeller on an Airfix plane.
"Windy Miller is here again.
Windy Miller!" - You know, just constantly.
- LAUGHTER And then Windy Miller?! Windy Miller isn't the Windy Miller isn't the thing that went He's a little man who walked through.
Yeah Who was the little man who's walking through your penis as it went around and around? So, Rob was backstage at the show.
He knew that I hated this whole naked thing.
I said, "Thank you very much, I've been Romesh.
" That's how I usually finish a show.
And then I put the mic in the stand, turn around, Rob is waiting in the wings windmilling his ass off again.
- LAUGHTER - "Surprise, Windy Miller is back!" Is windmilling just waving it about or is there something more? Well, it's worming, isn't it? You're not actually grindingcorn or anything.
Yeah.
- It serves no practical purpose.
- It doesn't.
It's not driving our economy in any way.
At no point will Rob make bread from What are the chanceswhat are the chances if you put wings on that you could get unpowered flight, do you think? - I've got quite a small cock, so - LAUGHTER Do you think that if you had a big one, it would be possible? Is that what you're saying? - I'm a dreamer! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Our next round is called Newsreel.
We play on a recent piece of footage featuring people in news and ask Hugh to suggest what might be being said.
This week's clip features the Prime Minister.
- IMITATES ANGELA MERKEL: - "Well, lovely to see you, David.
"Oink, oink.
" - IMITATES DAVID CAMERON: - "Lovely to see too, Angela, "particularly because when the car pulled up, "I thought you were Nicola Sturgeon.
Terrible "Anyway, loving the jacket.
"Have you come as one of the Minions?" - MERKEL: - "I'm wearing yellow cos it's the colour of Nick Clegg "and I know how much you miss him.
"Also, it's the colour of mustard you might have on pork.
" - CAMERON: - "Oh, what, that silly thing? "Oh, that's a plinth, small enough to hold the names "of every refugee we haven't let in from Syria.
" "Anyway, over to you Angela.
" - MERKEL: - "Thank you very much, David.
There are many things "Germans would like to teach Britain - "how to make a decent car, "how to falsify emissions records" - CAMERON: - "Oh, God, I can't help daydreaming.
I wonder "how Porky is now.
" - MERKEL: - "But this time, "mostly, I want to talk about the European referendum.
"Your plan to renegotiate then hold an in-out referendum.
"This is wrong.
It should be, in-out, in-out, "then shake it all about.
" - CAMERON: - "Well, Thank you, Angela.
"That's certainly the approach I took in Oxford "all those years ago.
- "Thank you.
" - APPLAUSE Moving on, what has the government launched for worried parents this week? It's a, kind of, instructions on the acronyms - your kid might be using on the internet.
- Yes, it is.
It's a guide for parents and presumably, also paedophiles as to what acronyms children are using online.
They It'd be, like, "naked in front of the computer" is one of them.
NIFC is "naked in front of the computer.
" They're living very different lives to when I was a teenager.
The only time I was naked in front of the computer is if I took a shower halfway through playing Championship Manager.
P99 means "parents alert.
" MOS means "mother over shoulder.
" Yeah Which, presumably, means, like, she's staring over your shoulder rather than "Oi!" "Can't text now, got me mother over me shoulder.
" MOOS is "member of the other sex.
" Or, presumably, "mother over other shoulder.
" "Bloody hell, coming down with the mothers on the shoulders here.
"Jesus Christ! Whose mother are you two, anyway?" Are parents not just going to get paranoid of every, single acronym they read now? Just going, like, "Oh, I think my son is doing ganja, "cocaine, speed and ecstasy.
" "No, he's doing his GCSEs.
That's what he's doing.
" They're reading a text and at the end of it, it just said, "Bye.
" "What does this mean? What does this mean at the end of this? "What does it mean - B-Y-E? "'Bring your erection'? What is this?" Bring your erection! APPLAUSE That classic booty call of bring your erection.
"Oh, hang on, um Oh! "Left me erection at home.
" "Don't think about coming round here without your erection again.
" The only revenge, really, for parents is to turn and go, "Yeah, you think you've got a code for that? You think "You're not the only one with a code.
Remember the weekend "you were staying with your grandmother cos we were going "to a 'school reunion'? Oh, no.
You and your mumBOOM!" "Want me to describe it to you? Yeah, that's what we did.
"We went to a hotel somewhere.
That's all we did.
Yeah, yeah.
" "And remember when we told you your dog went to the 'farm'?" "Yeah, me and your mumBOOM!" Here's a picture of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn this week.
So, what is going on here? Is this the beginning of the world's most harrowing sex education lesson? Is he actually launching the new Trident replacement? Is it just him going, "Ladies"? - Did you just do that in my voice? - SHE LAUGHS That's what I think is a really sexy voice, Josh.
Oh, cheers, mate.
Cheers.
Has the marrow entered Jeremy Corbyn in a funny looking vegetable competition? Is this a photo of the last two leaders of the Labour Party? Is it Corbyn defects to the Greens.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh - Oh, lovely one.
APPLAUSE Yeah.
Thanks.
- Too right.
- I reckon I think that's the first joke I've done in three years on here.
- Not just on here.
- HE LAUGHS Is he saying, "New debating rules - "we can only speak when we are holding the marrow.
" This is a photo of a politician and a really big vegetable - two of the only things that wear rosettes.
APPLAUSE Is it Jeremy Corbyn's party piece and he says, "I intend to close the conference "by playing Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street on my marrow"? Off his mind, he's playing air saxophone on a marrow.
That would be the finest HE TOOTS BAKER STREE It's the only way he'll join in with the national anthem is on a novelty marrow sax.
HE TOOTS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN HE TOOTS JAZZY FLOURISH - That's very good! - That would've been great.
That would've been great, yeah.
Is it Corbyn recreating the dick pic he sent to Diane Abbott? It looks like the massive penis of a man who is hiding in that tree.
He's got it over Jeremy Corbyn's shoulder.
"Through all this difficult time, the one thing we've always been "able to rely on is Oh, but now they're doing our dance WRONG, "incorrectly.
" When the music comes on, I start doing lobster hands for some random reason.
I keep doing this.
Like, it's a pincer dance.
Oh HE HUMS MUSIC: Zorbas by Mikis Theodorakis APPLAUSE In other news, one of BBC's producers Ah, sorry, do that again.
Sorry.
In other news, one of BBC's HE MUMBLES BBC whose? BBC produce What? Shall I do that again? Oh, is this part of the story? Is it about mumbling? It's mumbling, yeah.
All right.
OK, don't point to a mumbler.
- It was very clever how you gave us a clue.
- It was, yes.
I play with the form.
OVERARTICULATES: In other news Oh.
Erm LAUGHTER Was it about forced enunciation? It was about forced enunciation.
Yes, it was.
OVERARTICULATES: .
.
asked their producers to do this week.
Yeah, it was about mumbling.
All right?! Not this show.
This show has never been accused of it despite me hosting it.
But That's because what you don't know is, at home, they can press the red button and Stephen Fry pops up and translates it for everyone.
APPLAUSE Stephen doing it, "Well, what I think Dara is trying to say "is the points go to" Anyway Yes, it is about mumbling, specifically There was a drama - which I didn't see, maybe somebody else did - I think it was called Jamaica Inn.
And they had lots and lots of complaints.
Now, the other drama is Poldark that I also haven't seen - SHE GIGGLES - Is that how you? Poldark.
- BOTH: - Poldark.
- This is very popular, so now they are really worried.
Yes, they were really worried.
I actually saw Jamaica Inn cos I watched it thinking it was going to be something else that it wasn't.
Like, "Dude, Jamaica has changed.
" It's meant to be very good, Poldark, isn't it? But it is, in fact, an anagram of old crap.
I remember having similar problems with Pingu, though, and they never changed that.
- Do you still watch it to check? - Yeah, yeah, I still I have to stay up late and wait for the guy doing the sign language to APPLAUSE Oh, Pingu.
HE IMITATES PINGU SARA IMITATES PINGU In Pingu, the guy's just stood in the corner going HE HUMS HIGH PITCH HE HUMS LOW PITCH The mumbling issue is quite important, isn't it? Cos I think Jeremy Corbyn has even appointed a minister for mumbling.
Cos you feel it's important that their voices be heard.
- Why not? Why not? - APPLAUSE - What was the big story in men football this week? - Men football? The Copa America is on, right? And a player got sent off because the guy who was marking him fingered him in the backside .
.
and when he turned around, the guy who had done, you know, the deed with the finger pretended to go down as if he had been hit.
He fingered him and then went down? Yes, exactly.
How is that a bookable offence? That sounds Sounds generous.
If anything, it seems overly intimate.
And he got his bumhole fingered, didn't he? - He got Well, there was Yeah - A finger went in his bumhole - and then - In the general area It was quite proctological.
There was an element of "Well, if you are going to check my prostate, "at least train for a few yearsin this field.
" I like how you're making it scientific, but we just want to say - bumhole fingering.
- He put his finger in his bumhole.
I don't think I've ever heard anyone say the word bumhole - more often than this one.
- Bumhole is funny, isn't it? You finally got a catchphrase.
Something that people can shout at you in the street.
I almost regret bringing that story up now.
Can we move on? - I mean, you brought it up, Dara, to be fair.
- OK, the next story OK HE MUMBLES OK.
What became legal across all the United States this week? - Bumhole fingering! - Stop it! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's very difficult to lie and claim you are taller than you are when you're the only member of the team that is on a booster seat.
The way they introduce is you have to do little pickups covering various options for Fuck me, everyone has gone! LAUGHTER - Am I invisible? - Oh, no, you, you are still here, Hugh.
- You're always here.
- Yeah.
Shall I tell you why I'm here? I've already gone.
BUZZER We are live from Las Vegas for the grudge match of the century between Hulk Hogan and the Harlem Globetrotters.
SCATTERED LAUGHTER He's racist, isn't he? LAUGHTER I can't do it all! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm almost certain my producer has got this wrong.
I am a train Oh, bollock, piddle, fuck, wank.
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like To See so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area, I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll Definitely doing that again! We're definitely That was the shittiest six people getting out of chairs we've had in ten years of this show.
- OK, we need you to answer this question.
- OK.
We have chosen you to answer this question because of many of your unique skills.
Including your attendance.
LAUGHTER Why did one of Corbyn's shadow cabinet appointments upset farmers? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE The LAUGHTER How long can I keep this up? LAUGHTER Have you got the buzzer? BUZZER There you go.
There's also an answer for this one.
- Probably come from Hugh again.
- OK.
Hugh, you're on fire today, I have to say.
Compliment you on how well I was on fire but I've wet myself.
At the end of that round the points go to Ed, Hugh and LOUD APPLAUSE - "Ed, Hugh and Milton?" - Milton? Nathan.
Sorry, I apologise.
I mumbled it I said Nathan.
You said Milton! I did not say Milton.
There is literally no way Me and Milton, we get confused all the time.
LAUGHTER Tom Daley there receiving surprisingly low marks.
Pa Balls.
In other news, what essential task will British astronaut Major Tim Peake be responsible for aboard the International Space Station? - He's going to unclog the shitter! - He's not.
LAUGHTER What's the fucking problem? Yeah.
SLURS: Just as funny now as it was earlier on.
OK, translates this, Stephen fucking Fry.
LAUGHTER OK, here we go, the first subject is The dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant asteroid.
Silly them for all standing in the same place.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Where the protons see the electron.
BUZZER Scientists in Loughborough found the formula to make the perfect cup of tea, which is quite controversial as the grant was for AIDS research.
BUZZER See, and the problem with cocaine is it's well moreish.
BUZZER Well, we could ask a proper scientist about this or we could ask Dara O Briain.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER Hello, my name is Dara O Briain.
And to try and bring science to the masses, I'm going to appear in a programme with Stephen Hawking wearing a ridiculous hat.
LAUGHTER BUZZER Just Just enough with the Just, you know.
I love that hat, by the way.
Hello.
I am Dara O Briain.
And I've got a massive head and a massive brain, but all I get to do in this bit is just press a little buzzer.
BUZZER Mr O Briain, I award you a PhD LAUGHTER Phenomenal head, Dara.
APPLAUSE I would just like to say that I think Dara O Briain is a legend.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I work with Dara O Briain.
And today my experiment is to turn this joke into a P45.
BUZZER OK.
The next topic is lines you wouldn't read in a romantic novel.
He grabbed her hand, he held it tightly and they skipped off through the fields of daffodils and it was that moment she thought he might be a little bit gay.
BUZZER She felt every part of his eight inches, he was stiff, absolutely rigid and even in her innocence she knew, her hamster was dead.
BUZZER He felt a swelling down there.
Shouldn't have tried to bang a beehive.
BUZZER He took her hand in his and squeezed it.
"Now," he thought, "I wonder where the rest of her body is.
" BUZZER I want to role-play.
I'll be a prince from a mythical land and you be your sister.
BUZZER He looked at the tattoo of Chinese writing on her back, he didn't know what it meant, but he did know she'd put out on a first date.
BUZZER Jeremy Corbyn, you've got me blindfolded, what are you going to do now? "Nothing, I just wanted to highlight the injustice of inmates "detained at Camp X-Ray without a fair trial.
" "Why? "Why does it end like this?" she said.
"Childhood accident," he replied.
"I crushed it in a trouser press.
" BUZZER APPLAUSE The debutants paraded in the ballroom in front of the rich landowners and the master of ceremonies proudly proclaimed, "Let the Darcys fondle the arsies!" BUZZER She felt her bosom heaving as Mr Darcy came ever closer.
"Blimey," he said.
"You don't get many of them to the pound.
" BUZZER Marjorie, I'm going to kiss you like you've never been kissed before.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE BUZZER "Of course I've seen a black penis before," she said.
"Just never attached to a white man.
" LAUGHTER And at the end of that round the points go to Ed, Katherine and Andy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sometimes when you listen to the radio there's a tune that you can't get out of your head.
It sort of plays again and again and again, sort of gets faster and faster and faster and finally it comes on.
MUSIC: Zorbas by Mikis Theodorakis