Modern Family s06e23 Episode Script

Mom, come on! I need to get to school! - Isn't today senior ditch day? - Today's ditch day? No way you're ditching ditch day.
It's like the best week of senior year.
Day.
Unlike this house, the library will be completely quiet so I can focus on my roommate selection.
How long can picking a nerdy roommate take? They're all versions of you.
Look.
Indian you.
Blonde you.
Asian you.
Oh, look.
Her name is actually "Yu.
" Skipping one day of school isn't gonna do any harm.
I ditched plenty, and look at me today.
I am fielding multiple job offers.
One job offer.
From a very prominent hotel chain weighed against the implied offer of staying at my current job.
Working for your dad.
Exactly.
And I could never leave Grandpa.
So I'm going to say no to the first offer.
Only offer.
Though I would have made an excellent regional vice president in charge of promotions.
She is great at promotion.
That title gets longer every time I hear it.
Come on.
Don't go to school.
Girls' day.
We'll swing by the mall.
You could use a new everything.
Girls, get in the car.
Luke's hurt.
- Oh, my God.
- What happened? He collapsed on the way to school.
He's in the hospital.
Come on.
What's wrong with Luke? Why did he collapse? - I heard he was dead.
- [Haley, Alex Scream.]
Ha, ha.
You care about me.
Got 'em good, buddy.
Nobody's dead.
- Look out! - [Horn Honks.]
- Oh! Sorry! - Are you out of your mind? Alex, you have worked so insanely hard this year.
You deserve this ditch day more than anyone.
So, guess what? We're going to California Adventure.
- Whoo! - Without Mom.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! [Chanting.]
Ditch day! Ditch day! - Ditch day! - Is this a high holiday for you people? Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey That's it.
I'm doing it.
I'm throwing out all my socks and starting over.
And they say Tina was brave for leaving Ike.
Oh.
Ow.
Oh, God.
That hurts.
Oh, my gosh.
You cut yourself.
Hey.
Don't get blood in my eggs.
[Sighs.]
We're getting concerned that Lily hasn't developed an adequate sense of empathy.
Insofar as she doesn't have any at all.
- [Hissing.]
- Okay, that's good.
I can feel that working.
I know.
I can finally breathe.
[Mitchell Sighs.]
I can't hear myself think! [Hissing Stops.]
Nice preview of our sunset years.
She literally pulled the plug on us.
[Claire.]
I wasn't gonna mention the other job offer to my dad but I didn't want him just hearing about it.
So, after wrestling with it all day, I decided to tell him.
- Hey.
You're in early.
- Are you ready to have a laugh? Janice's haircut? Give her some slack.
She just went through a breakup with a woman, I assume, based on the haircut.
No.
It's even funnier.
You know how hard I've been working on the Grand Royal Hotel account? Not giving raises till next year, but go on.
They offered me a job.
[Sighs.]
Crazy, right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Maybe not "crazy" but trying to poach the boss's daughter? Must have impressed 'em.
[Chuckles.]
- You got to take this offer.
- [Inhales.]
What? Higher salary.
Better benefits.
You might have to travel more, which is time away from Phil.
Nothing but upside.
He was right.
It was a great opportunity.
I may have been a bit hasty turning down that job offer so quickly.
Um, do you think you could give me a day or two to think about it? Yes, it would mean leaving my dad, but this was business.
It wasn't personal.
Plus, clearly, my father doesn't care if I live or die.
Hey, will I still get wise without my wisdom teeth? - You get it? - Every time.
- Why don't I hold on to the painkillers? - [Pills Rattling.]
- Now I'm sad.
- They're right here.
I'll give you one when you need one.
No.
Kylie said she'd meet me at the dentist, and she never came.
Ay, I know, papi.
I'm so sorry.
But I'm gonna get you a very nice pillow from your bedroom.
She wants me to go away with her to drama camp this summer and then she doesn't even show up today? Maybe Kylie change her mind about camp.
Maybe she plans to be with many men, and she doesn't deserve you.
I hid it very well from Manny, but I hated that girl.
She was getting too serious too fast.
I'm so sorry.
My volleyball practice went long and then my phone died.
I wanna kiss you, but I have surgery breath.
Aw! Just make sure you're back in kissing shape in time for us to go to camp together.
And why do I keep smelling strawberries? What did they do to me? It's the milk shake I brought you.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, and look.
I usually wait till you're not looking, then I look.
The scarf you gave me, you dog! Oh.
Actually, now's a good time to look, 'cause I kind of see four of them.
I got a couple pills in me.
[Chuckles.]
[Chanting.]
Ditch day! Ditch day! - Ditch day.
- Ditch Wow.
Fifteen minutes.
When you guys didn't stop while we were getting gas I thought it might just go on forever.
Sweet Myrna Loy! [Phil.]
Wow.
[Haley.]
Dad, you know it's not a movie called Demolition Notice, right? [Phil.]
I built this theater with these two hands plus the 28 hands of 14 other guys.
You built this? Renovated it.
Before I got into real estate, I worked construction.
You worked construction? Yeah.
Stop saying it like that.
I put 10 months of my life into this place.
I'd love to look around one last time before they tear the old girl down.
- Well - Sucks we gotta go.
You know what? We're bustin' in.
How? Smash a window with a brick? [Chuckles.]
I had something a little more elegant in mind.
I think you forget that I gave birth to this building.
I know her strengths and her weaknesses.
Did you see a brick? So I walked into Dad's office and he is holding a picture of me looking at it with tears welling in his eyes.
Oh.
Dad was never that emotional when we were growing up.
I know.
That's what makes this whole thing so hard.
Maybe Lily hasn't learned empathy because she hasn't seen it from me, you know? Could we maybe stay on my problem until the bread comes? I'm sorry.
It sounded like you were done.
Sorry.
So, the way I left things with the hotel company is that I need a little more time to decide.
But honestly, I think I'm gonna tell 'em no.
How could I leave Dad after what I saw? It's just It's heartbreaking.
- Oh, I could cry.
- Thank you.
Maybe if Lily saw me cry, she would see that it's okay to be that way especially coming from me, her stoic dad who never cries.
- [Sniffs.]
- Oh, come on.
You had to be done that time.
You know what? You're right.
Let's do you.
Your problem is bigger than mine anyway 'cause if your plan is to cry in front of Lily, forget it.
You're too emotionally constipated.
I-I know you're joking, Claire but sometimes sometimes words hurt, you know? And to think that my own sister [Voice Breaks.]
My own sister would accuse me of Oh, screw it.
I'll just work up some tears with a sad movie.
It's fine.
- Mom? - Ah! You're awake.
- How are you feeling? - Aw.
You bought me a balloon.
- What? - And a teddy bear.
When did you buy all this stuff? Uh, when when you were asleep.
And I got you a strawberry milk shake.
Mom, you're the best.
He couldn't remember a thing.
All I had to do was to get him past the 5:00 deadline so that he couldn't go on that trip with Kylie.
I know what happens at camp.
I've seen Meatballs.
I still can't believe Kylie flaked on me.
I thought she really liked me.
I guess not.
Time for more pills, baby.
Really? I'm already so loopy.
We have to get ahead of the pain.
Maybe she texted me.
Have you seen my phone? Is it over there? I don't see it.
- What are you doing? - Hugging! You're so sweet.
But I don't think these pills are really doing anything.
[Grunts.]
[Phil.]
Does this place look familiar? [Alex.]
Oh, yeah.
This is where we were all murdered.
No, silly.
This is where you girls saw your first movie.
Halfway through Hare-Abian Nights, I looked over and your little heads were pressed together like the cutest tepee ever.
And where was I during all of this family fun? Buddy, the three of us were having a girls' day.
You get it.
This way.
Over here behind the screen.
So [Grunts.]
While I was still building this place I snuck back here with you guys after work one day, and Check it out.
[Haley.]
Aw, Dad! - Are those our feet? - Look at how tiny.
Where's my footprints? Um I guess that's you.
- Anyway - That looks like a baby head.
I was struggling with these two.
You were all squirmy.
I'm not gonna apologize over and over.
Let's grab this thing.
Grab what, the cement? This place is gonna be rubble in a few days.
I want a memento.
- Let's do this! - All right.
This seems more like boys' work so you guys take your time on that, okay? Super fun adventure! Okay, so that's at least an hour.
There's a mall across the street.
I'm calling a car and going to school.
Caltech needs my roommate selection by Whoa.
What's your problem? What's yours? You're just gonna leave without telling Dad? You were just about to take me to a mall.
Okay, if you can't see the difference Look, I'm sorry I've got better things to do than go shop or sit in some creepy old movie theater where we used to watch cartoons.
I get it.
You're beyond all of us now.
Go pick out your playmates at nerd academy.
[Scoffs.]
Fine.
I'll just pick out my roommate here then.
Sorry I'm so excited about college.
Apology not accepted.
I wasn't actually apologizing, so [Phil.]
Found the light! [Luke.]
Found the chisel! Ow! Found the broom.
- [Objects Clattering.]
- [Alex, Haley Laugh.]
- [TV.
Piano.]
- [Crying.]
No, no.
Mitchell, what's wrong? I feel like Lily's inability to show feelings for other people might be my fault.
Oh, honey, I think that too.
But just take comfort in knowing you got there on your own.
I'm watching The Bridges of Madison County - because it's the only thing that makes me cry.
- [Sound Off.]
When she gets home, I'm gonna turn this off and pretend I was reading this.
- "Typhoon Flattens Orphanage.
" - Yeah.
That's sad, right? Now get out of here, because she's gonna be home any second - and I'm trying to stay sad.
- [Sound On.]
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Just to clarify.
The only thing that makes you cry that truly resonates with you on a deep, emotional level is a film about someone who's trapped in a loveless marriage? Okay, Cam, please go.
I'm starting not to feel anything.
Do you know how hurtful that is? - [Lily.]
I'm home! - And now I'm not crying.
- Great.
- [Sobbing.]
Hey, sweetie.
Hi.
How was your day? Better than hers.
What's wrong now? - Daddy's just having a moment.
- He's always having a moment.
- [Gasps.]
- Oh, wait.
Oh, my gosh.
I just realized something.
What, that our marriage bed is a 1,200-thread-count charade? No, maybe this isn't my fault.
Maybe Lily can't show empathy because you're always crying.
- Oh, so it's my fault? - Yes.
You've totally desensitized her to normal emotions.
- That's not true.
- And now you want to cry because she won't cry because you're always crying.
And you would only know that because you do love me! [Sobs.]
Oh! Yeah.
- Hey! - Hi, honey.
What's up? Well, I just wanted to let you know I turned down that hotel job offer.
- How come? - Some things are just more important than money.
- And for me, that includes my family.
- [Buzzing.]
- Man, that smarts.
- What are you doing? Just trimming the hedges.
I saw a low-angle photo of me the other day.
I looked like I snorted a rabbi.
And-And-And you're using a picture of me as your mirror.
[Laughs.]
It is you! - Mm.
- [Buzzing.]
Hey, is that my phone? Ah, yes! I found it while you were asleep.
Let me put it back in your bedroom until you wake up.
Oh.
Kylie texted me.
She sent me a photo of me and her.
Sitting right here.
Oh, maybe she sneak in while I was getting you all those nice stuff.
But you're behind me, staring at us with a terrible look on your face.
That's impossible.
I never take a bad picture.
Are you trying to sabotage my relationship with Kylie? [Sighs.]
Her clothes are too tight her heels are too high, she's so loud and and I hate how she smothers you! [Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
You're describing yourself.
No.
My clothes are not that My heels are I am not loud.
I'm dating my mother! [Groans.]
- Oh, gross.
- Excuse me? I used to like her, but now it's ruined.
Please.
There are worse things than dating your own mother.
- Like what? - You know what? I don't like this attitude.
And I am sure that Kylie won't like it either.
Maybe you do need somebody like her to keep you in line while I am not around.
- What are you doing? - I am sending your application to drama camp.
- We still have two minutes.
- Mom, don't you dare.
[Grunts, Groans.]
Okay.
Name, age, street name.
Like you're in a gang? I don't wanna go to camp with Kylie now.
It's disgusting.
- [Text Tone.]
- Look.
We got another text from Ky Ay, ay, ay.
She sent a picture of her in a bikini.
She did? You You can just go ahead and hit "send.
" No.
You're not going to go to camp with a girl like that.
Oh, my God! Mom, you're crazy! Yes, no.
Yes, no.
You hate every single girl I like.
You have to start letting me make my own decisions or everything everybody says about me is true I'm a giant mama's boy.
Do they really call you that? Yes.
Now is that what you want? Okay, fine.
- If you want to go, go.
- [Types.]
Thank you.
I have that same bikini.
[Phil.]
Okay, we're gonna need a crowbar or something to lift this thing.
You look back there, and I'll check these shelves.
- Hmm.
- [Luke.]
Anything up there? [Phil.]
Not a thing, buddy.
- [Both Laughing.]
- [Phil.]
I feel like I saw some sort of a - Are they aware - Not a chance.
- [Luke.]
Maybe we can use this broom handle to pry it loose.
- No, that won't work.
Oh, no.
Ow! Yes, it will.
[Grunts.]
[Phil.]
Come on! That was close.
[Groans.]
[Phil.]
Fun.
- Sorry I was a jerk earlier.
- [Phil.]
Come on.
I'm actually having a lot of fun watching cartoons with you again.
Nah, it was my fault.
I'm just a little [Phil.]
Can you hand me that? That.
- Are you ever gonna call me? - What? It's just something I've I've been wondering about, you know.
Like, we live together, so you don't have to call me and once you're off at brainy school surrounded by a bunch of brainy brains are we gonna be friends? What are you talking about? You're my sister.
Oh, right.
Yeah, sisters.
Like, we're obligated to see each other.
Thanksgiving, Christmas - [Objects Clattering.]
- Luke's funeral.
- [Luke.]
I'm fine! - [Alex Chuckles.]
Uh-oh.
- "Uh-oh" what? - Nothing.
- What did you do? - I was following your orders.
I'm surprised you didn't ask me to stand on top and saw around myself in a circle.
Why do we even need this stupid thing? Because they're tearing down the only thing I've ever built.
Just stand there.
We can still do this.
Yeah, it's great being a real estate agent.
My face is on billboards and pens.
I have a balloon budget.
But none of it ever lasts.
Once this place is gone there won't be anything I can point to and say, "I made that.
" - [Water Gurgling.]
- Uh-oh.
- What did you do? - What does it look like? - I sprung a leak! - [Both Laughing.]
There's got to be a water shut-off! [Running Footsteps.]
Haley [Sighs.]
I'm sorry if I've been acting like I didn't wanna hang out with you lately.
Or ever.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried.
We'll probably be even closer once we're not actually caged in together.
- I'll be calling you all the time.
- [Scoffs.]
Think about it.
I'm about to live on a campus full of Alexes.
That's bound to get annoying.
And when it does, who better to deal with an Alex than you? I made that.
- Hey.
You wanted to see me? - Just got off the phone with Dan Signer.
- Who? - He's one of the big mucks at the Grand Royal Hotels.
- Oh.
- They're thinking about dropping our account.
Something about you turning down the job offer.
- Well - And then accepting it.
And then turning it down.
And then accepting it again.
Why are you jerking him around? You're worse than Claudia.
- [Exhales.]
Who's Claudia? - Janice's ex-girlfriend.
She strung her along for eight years.
Now they're in a custody battle over two Labradors.
Am I the only one that got stuck in the break room with her today? Dad, if it'll help, I'll call the hotel people and straighten all this out.
I don't think more calls from you is the answer.
And by the way, I don't think you're gonna get that job anymore.
Fine! I don't care! I don't care! I never wanted that job in the first place! Then why did you tell me about it in the first place? Because I wanted you to tell me not to take the job because I'm your daughter.
You know, the thing behind the mirror that you trim your nose hairs with.
Don't you even care if I stay or go? - Of course I do.
- Well, you don't show it.
Well, maybe because I didn't want that to be a factor.
It would kill me if I thought that what I felt would hold you back from getting something that you wanted.
But trust me, when I saw that job offer my heart almost fell out of my chest.
I love us working together.
Thanks.
Okay, then.
[Jay.]
"Okay, then"? I pour my heart out, and that's all I get? One time my dad said, "Nice game, kid.
" I had eye black streaming down my cheeks.
But all I get is, "Okay, then"? I mean, I-I probably don't say it as much as I should but I'm proud of you, kid.
Got it.
- [Man.]
Jay.
- Hey, Dan! Gee, I didn't think you would show up in person.
Claire, this is the big cheese, Dan Signer.
Hi, Mr.
Signer.
Such a pleasure to meet you.
- I'm so sorry about all that back-and-forth today.
- I'll handle it from here.
Dan, we love doing business with you but I got to put my foot down when it comes to Claire.
This is my little baby girl here.
The best part of my day is having a coffee with her in the break room.
And it wasn't that long ago that she was sitting at the breakfast table eating heart-shaped waffles that I made for her.
- I tell ya, it puts a lump in your throat.
- Mm.
Anyway, uh, I don't know how I got to be the luckiest SOB alive.
- [Inhales.]
- But if I have just even a few grains left in that hourglass - [Grunts.]
- I'm gonna be spending it with [Sighs.]
Wow.
- I almost just called her by her childhood nickname there.
- Mm-mmm.
[Laughs.]
Oh, what the hell? - My Little Bunny Foo Foo.
- [Crying.]
Oh, no.
- Let me walk you out, Dan.
Thanks for coming.
- Bunny! Bunny! - [Crying Continues.]
- Who's Dan Signer? - I thought we were grabbing a beer at the club.
- Just keep walking, Mel.
Okay.
Uh, Lily, are you busy? Depends.
We wanted to have a little talk about feelings.
Oh, actually, I have this project due tomorrow Okay, honey.
No, no.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Let's just sit down.
Listen, we just wanted to ask if you think I cry too much.
And you can be honest.
I don't wanna answer, 'cause you might cry.
- Yeah, well - Oh, she cares about my feelings! Okay, Lily, we think that maybe you don't get emotional because Daddy gets, you know, so emotional because he kind of handles the emotions for the entire house.
- I do.
- Possibly the entire block.
Okay.
And that maybe that's why you don't feel anything.
- I feel stuff.
- Really? Because when we were sick a few weeks ago, you didn't seem to care.
- I didn't care.
- Well, she's not a liar.
We did something right.
Mm-hmm.
Don't you think you should have cared a little bit? - Why? You always get better.
- Well, so far.
What do you mean, "so far"? - Um - Well, uh Like someday you're not gonna get better? Like you're gonna die? No.
No, no, no, no.
Not Not for a very, very long time.
Then why are we talking about it now? - You brought it up.
- I just wanted to make sure Stop! You're making me sad! Okay, well, she has feelings.
Well, yes, and it seems that she wants to keep us alive.
So all in all, a good day of parenting.
I don't wanna live with Aunt Claire! - Oh.
- Lily! [Gloria.]
Parents make so many mistakes with their children.
I'm alive, sweetheart.
But what about Daddy? I'm alive too.
Come here.
Come here, sweetheart.
But it's only because we're trying so hard to make them happy.
Not her.
Not her.
Oh, my God.
You're gonna be the cutest girl at this whole school.
Wait.
These are girls, right? [Laughing.]
Trying so hard to keep them close.
You could knock.
Even though we know we can't.
I know someday I'm gonna lose you to another woman and I'll find a way to be okay with it.
Thanks, Kylie.
But not today.
So, I walk into his office.
He's looking at a picture of me and he's crying.
- Your dad? - Yeah, I couldn't believe it either.
This is why I'm glad I show my emotions in front of the girls.
I think that's the reason they're Could we at least stay on my story until the oven preheats? - Sorry.
I thought you were finished.
- No.
Okay.
So anyway, I went back later and it turns out he wasn't crying.
He was plucking his nose hairs.
- I didn't expect that.
- Yeah, me neither.
To walk into that theater and see their cute little heads together after they'd been fighting all afternoon.
- You had to have been done that time.
- No.
Is it me? Is it the way that I tell stories? Am I so boring or is everyone in this family that self-involved? As I was saying, her name is Alaina and she's from North Carolina.
That's my roommate.
Now I'm done.