Modern Family s06e24 Episode Script

- Here she is! - [Cheering.]
Thanks for being there, you guys.
[Lisping.]
We wouldn't have missed it, sweetie.
- Your speech was fantastic.
- What's wrong with your speech? Oh, is it that obvious? I I got adult braces! - Oh! - Are you sure? - 'Cause they don't seem like they fit right.
- Um I think it's a bold step, and I support you in your journey of self-improvement.
No, you're not getting your hair straightened.
You know your dad wishes he could be here.
- [Phil.]
What are you talking about? - [Jay.]
What the I'm right here! [Laughs.]
I had Andy set me up so I could be here with you all.
I just had to plug him in.
It was a nice reversal from when I had to pull the plug on my dad in the hospital.
While he was away on a business trip Phil got a terrible ear infection and the doctor said he could burst an eardrum if he flew.
I was devastated to miss Alex's graduation until I realized I didn't have to! I got to hold up my phone for two hours so Phil could see the graduation live.
Bet I was the only dad there not wearing pants.
How great is this thing, huh? So convenient.
It's like I'm right there in the room with you guys.
Hello? Hello? Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey, hey Hey Gloria, would you tell your cousin to stop leaving his trash everywhere? It's been five days of this nonsense.
He comes in here eats all my food, drinks all my booze and never so much as does a dish.
Yes, so different from what all those white people over there are doing.
You got a blind spot for the deadbeat yahoos in your family.
He's not a yahoo, and don't say that in front of him! He doesn't speak English! [Whispers.]
He understands it.
Oh, really? Fire! Run! Fire! You're being ridiculous, Beth.
Don't go.
Oh, you're so sweet, but I don't want to intrude so I'll just see you guys later.
Gloria, tell her she can stay.
Of course you can stay.
We love having you here.
Especially Joe.
You're his new favorite.
I used to be his favorite until I told him I get paid to hang with him.
I just felt he had a right to know.
[Haley.]
If I'm being honest I thought I was into Andy.
Then his girlfriend, Beth came into town and she's really sweet and they're great together.
So, in the spirit of graduation I'm officially moving on.
And, unlike my actual graduation there's no pregnancy scare.
All right.
Good.
Uh, are you sure about that outfit? Why does this keep happening? It's not because Joe dresses like an adult.
I dress like an adult.
You wore light-up sneakers to a Radiohead concert.
Yes.
And did we ever get separated? Not for lack of trying.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, my God.
Haley, the number of times I've thrown those shoes away.
They're too easy to spot in the trash.
- [Laughs.]
- Oh, yes.
Yuk it up.
I'm gonna go get him a new shirt.
[Imitates Explosion.]
Goldilocks.
My mom read this to me a thousand times.
I just never understood how that little girl got away with it.
- What do you mean? - Well, if I were a bear somebody broke into my house, laid in my bed and ate my food I'd rip her skinny little arms off.
Oh.
Uh, it's just porridge, right? It's my porridge.
Um [Beth.]
There he is.
This is crazy, but I have this same shirt.
[Laughs.]
You're so adorable.
- Isn't he adorable? - Y-Yeah.
Wow.
I should leave the room more often.
No! [Exhales.]
Can you blend cheese? I don't think so, and I don't want to try it.
I just want a smoothie or something.
Hey, guys! - Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, God.
Guess what? They accepted your offer.
- Oh, my gosh! That's fantastic! - What offer? We're buying the apartment upstairs from us.
We're gonna expand put in a proper guest room, a home office.
- So much space.
- Yeah.
Congrats! I'm gonna roll away before you spit on my screen again.
- Isn't that great? - Hmm? Yeah.
So great, so great.
I thought Mitchell would be more excited about the unit upstairs.
Something is going on with him.
He's been more distant lately.
For the last two weeks, he hasn't been that interested in the unit downstairs, either.
- What's that? - Aah! Phil.
Nothing.
It's just a little gift I got Alex.
We already gave her our present.
That 16-piece luggage set was a real winner.
This is more of a mother-daughter thing.
It's just a key chain with a picture of me and Alex on her first day of school.
I wanted her to have something that reminded her of how much I love her.
Why don't we just sing that song I wrote her? Uh, because I don't want to sing that lame song.
Oh.
Lame.
- Okay.
- [Sighs.]
Phil, really? - Come on.
- Only you could hurt a robot! Hey! You, uh You need some help? Sure.
So, um, I was wondering.
Um Has Beth said anything to you about me about not liking me? Are you kidding? Beth's obsessed with you.
She's always like, "Rrr! Haley's so cute.
I just want to bite her face.
" - Oh, my God.
- She asked me where you work where you go at night, whether you hike alone.
- [Whimpers.]
- She's actually very concerned about you.
Or is it possible - What are you guys talking about? - [Gasps.]
How I'm only into Korean dudes.
[Nervous Chuckle.]
- Oh, hey, honey.
- Yeah.
Hey, Phil.
Hey, don't turn.
Be cool, be cool.
I need you to make this apartment thing go away.
- What? - I said, "Be cool.
" [Wheels Whir, Stop.]
- Why do you want it to go away? - [Sighs.]
We had some budget cuts at the office, and a bunch of us got laid off.
Now Now, I didn't tell Cam because I was embarrassed but also because I knew - I knew I would get another job like that.
- [Snaps Fingers.]
It's been a month and-and now it's just weird that I didn't tell him in the first place so every morning, I leave for work.
Well, heigh-ho, heigh-ho.
It's off to work I go.
Okay.
I send out my résumé.
And then, like most unemployed people hiding the truth from their spouses I go to the park.
And then one day, I met Spencer.
Hello.
- Uh - And now I play checkers with Spencer.
No.
[Laughs.]
- Oh! - And his best friend, George who helped me get over my lifelong fear of birds.
[Laughing.]
That tickles.
Stop it! Stop it! Mitchell, you can talk to me.
I'm a Realtor.
I need you to kill the deal, okay? Don't tell Cam.
Mitch.
What was that about? What did Mitchell say? Ooh! Do I smell Jay's famous ribs? Phil.
Phil? [Scatting.]
H- Hey! Hey! Calm down.
Gloria needs napkin rings.
I'm gonna hold you up.
You can check the high shelves.
Lift with your legs.
I had a big lunch.
[Chuckles.]
[Imitates Beeping.]
I don't see any napkin rings.
I just see a box with some Spanish written on it.
Oh, that's probably it.
[Grunts.]
Crockett and Tubbs.
That's heroin! - What? - You know, horse, smack, hell dust.
I know the nicknames.
I've watched Kojak.
I guarantee that lowlife cousin of Gloria's stashed this up there.
Jay, where are the napkin rings? I'll give you guys some privacy.
Look what your cousin's hiding in here.
- That's my horse.
- [Gasps.]
- That's yours? - Yes, I brought it back from Colombia.
My God.
I married into a drug cartel? These are the ashes of my dead horse, Gaucho.
I had him when I was a little girl.
Ohh.
You thought that these were drugs and that they belong to my cousin? - Well, what was I supposed to think? - I am sick of this, Jay.
You treat my family like they're criminals.
Like he would bring $150,000 worth of heroin into this house! - How do you know how much - What? I can't know street value? Alex, honey, could I borrow you for a minute? One sec.
Uncle Mitch, this is amazing.
- I can't believe you kept all of this.
- Oh, it's nothing special.
It's just a handmade scrapbook of every note and drawing you ever made me.
[Chuckles.]
You-You got to be kidding me.
Oh, oh.
Hola.
Okay.
This is good.
This is a report card that you made for me when you were four - and you gave me a B-minus as an uncle.
- Okay.
I was mad because you wasted your vote on Ralph Nader.
- Well - But today, you get an A-plus because this is the most thoughtful gift ever.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Oh, Mitchell, where do you even find the time for this? You know So this one Here or here? - Mm-mmm.
- I don't know.
What about here? Oh! Spencer! [Grunts.]
Hey, guys.
So, uh, random question but, um, do any of you get kind of a weird vibe from Beth? You know, like maybe something's a little off? - Beth? No.
She's an angel.
- [Lisping.]
She seems super sweet.
- You're really not shying away from those "S" words, are ya? - [Chuckles.]
So no one thinks that Beth has maybe, like, a slightly psychotic side? Oh.
I see what's going on here.
Somebody's jealous 'cause she's not the only pretty girl around here anymore, hmm? Wow! Thanks, Mom.
Beth's super hot.
If everyone in the Coast Guard looks like that, sign me up.
It's just on the weekends, right? Forget it.
You're all useless.
- [Cell Phone Chimes.]
- Oh.
[Chuckles.]
- Who was that? - Oh, it's just work.
There is a line that I will not cross.
As soon as I touch that phone, I'm a suspicious spouse, and that is not me.
So I say to the waitress - [Chimes.]
- Um "I saw you pour from the regular pot.
" - [Chimes.]
- And, um, she's, like "No.
I poured from the decaf pot.
" - [Chimes.]
- Oh, my gosh.
Whoops.
- [Spoon Clatters.]
- Let me get that.
Come on.
Don't leave me hanging.
Were you up all night? "Had fun with you.
Spencer.
" "See you Monday.
Spencer.
" Smiley face.
"Spencer.
" Who is Spencer? - Hey, Mr.
D.
- Hey.
- Can we talk? - Sure thing.
What'll you have? - [Both Laugh.]
- What's up? So, I've been getting some signals from Beth that she wants me to propose.
- That's exciting.
- Yeah.
I even have a ring.
So what's the holdup? Well, there's this other girl and I feel like I have a serious connection with her but I just don't know how she feels.
Andy, back when I was dating Claire, I used to think What if I'm in the Laundromat one day, and Robin Givens walks in? [Laughs.]
She asks me for a quarter.
I hand her one.
Our fingers linger.
She wonders if maybe after Iron Mike what she's really yearning for is the touch of a gentler man.
I'm not following.
It's natural to wonder about a different path but if you truly love Beth, you should propose.
You're right.
I'll do it.
There's this place she loves by the ocean.
I'll take her there and propose at sunset.
- Great! - Thank you so much.
- Bring it in.
- [Laughs.]
Oh, come on.
Get a Roomba.
- [Andy Laughs.]
- [Laughs.]
Honey, the key chain was a bust.
I need something else.
Quick.
Got it.
You want to sing the song.
Good thing I brought my ukulele on the trip! Trip! Oh! When Alex was little I took her for brunch at that cute little Dutch town up north.
- I-I could take her there again.
- [Ukulele Strums.]
A trip for just the two of us.
It's perfect! When you don't Claire? - [Shrieks.]
- [Jay Mutters.]
- [Laughs.]
- Alex, honey, do you remember Oh, my God, Mom! Grandpa got me a trip to Europe for my graduation! - I just wanted her to know how much she meant to me.
- [Shouts.]
[All Laugh.]
I hate this family.
Phil, I need to talk to you, man-to-man.
- I think Mitchell's having an affair.
- What? I was going through his wallet, and I found a receipt to the Avian Hotel.
It's probably some fancy French place where he's meeting his lover for their secret weekly rendezvous.
Has he said anything to you about the unit upstairs? - [Gasps.]
- [Gasps.]
You gasped.
- Only because you did! - Phil, tell me what you know right now.
I don't know anything.
Put me down.
[Whispers.]
Talk to your husband.
This is my wallet.
You never saw me.
[Stella Barks, Growls.]
Stella, no.
Bad girl.
- [Growling.]
- Bad girl.
Stella, no.
- Stella, no.
- [Barks.]
Lily spilled some juice on the counter.
- Should I frisk her for guns? - Oh, geez.
- Oh, sorry.
- Jay, no! Haley! Come check it out.
I was just showing Luke and Manny some things that I learned in Coast Guard training.
- Mm-hmm.
- You look so pretty.
All right, Manny, take this pen from me.
Oh.
So you just want me to grab it? - [Shouts.]
- [Grunts.]
[Sighs.]
See? That's what you do when someone tries to take something that's yours.
Awesome.
My turn.
Hey, what happened? Did I get the pen? Hey, your hair's burning! - What? [Screaming.]
- [Luke.]
Oh, my God! - ¡Ay! Your hair! - I got it! - Ow! Ow! - It's out! It's out! - What happened? - It must have been that candle.
- Why'd you sit so close to it? - She told me to! Ay, Beth, thank God that you were here.
- I'm just glad I could help.
- [Gasps.]
[Luke.]
It's getting crazy in here.
You want to cool things off in the pool? [Coughs.]
Jay! - Oh, thank God.
- There you are.
Okay, you are You're never You're never gonna believe what my dad did.
- Lock you in the bathroom? - No.
He gave Alex a trip to Europe for her graduation present.
There's no way I can now give her a weekend of Dutch pancake balls after that.
Can you open the door? I'm feeling claustrophobic.
Phil, you're in a hotel room in Seattle.
I'm desperate.
Just teach me the song.
Well, well, well.
Look who came crawling back.
- Just teach it to me.
- Okay.
It's called "Go Ask Alex.
" - [Strumming.]
- When you don't know what a word means, go ask Alex If you need someone to hem your jeans, go ask Alex I can't believe I'm even saying this but instead of "hem your jeans," could it be "steam your greens"? No, it can't.
The jeans come back at the four-minute mark.
Haley.
How you feeling? Heard about the hair fire.
Sounds scary.
- [Nervously.]
Uh-huh.
- [Beth.]
Poor thing.
I left you a gift on your car to help you feel better.
- It's the red one, right? - [Nervously.]
Uh-huh.
Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you go start my car? - Uh, I guess.
- Thanks.
He's alive.
It's fine.
- Okay, everybody gather 'round.
- [Phil Chuckles.]
Phil and I have prepared something very special for our brilliant graduate, Alex.
Okay.
You ready? - When you - [No Audio.]
Why is that not Okay, there's no sound.
Phil, honey? There's no sound.
Okay, so, while Claire fixes robot Phil, I make toast.
When I first came into this family I didn't think I was ever going to be accepted.
Then, one day, Alex needed to write a report about a family member and she picked me.
That was the first time I really felt part of the family.
Ay, Alex, you were the first one to reach out to me and I will never forget that.
They all call you the smart one, but to me, you're the kind one.
- I'm so lucky to have you in my life, baby.
- Gloria.
- Hear, hear.
- [Claire.]
Hear, hear.
[Phil.]
Oh, there you are.
When you don't Nope.
Not doing it.
Not doing it.
We're not doing it.
- [Cell Phone Chimes.]
- Oh.
One second.
[Chuckles.]
[Speaking Spanish.]
Gloria, watching you give that toast, I see you treat my family like your own.
And you're right.
I need to treat your cousin nicer.
- Thank you, Jay.
- Do me a favor, huh? Would you translate for me? Tell Armando I'm sorry I haven't been more welcoming to him.
Tell him he's a great guy.
And he can stay as long as he wants.
We forgive you.
You sure? I can give him a hug or something.
No, it's too much.
Bye-bye.
Hey! Okay, I've had enough.
I need to know.
- Who is this precious Spencer? - Oh, God.
How do you know about Spencer? So you admit it.
You are having an affair.
- What? - It's the braces, isn't it? I've driven you to stray.
I'm hideous.
- Cam, you're acting crazy.
- Am I? Mitchell, I found the receipt to the Avian Hotel.
- That's pronounced "avian.
" - Well, it sounds seedy.
It is.
It's a kennel for birds.
- It's where I picked up George.
- There's a George too? Calm down.
I'm talking about a cockatoo.
Oh! One or two.
Is that all? How blasé.
Cam, George is a bird and Spencer is an old man I've been hanging out with at the park because I - I got laid off.
- You lost your job? I'm sorry.
I just I couldn't tell you that I was out of work again.
I I feel like such a loser.
No, please.
My gosh.
As long as you're not cheating on me, that's all that matters.
Something will come up.
You're a great lawyer.
Oh, thank you.
I just I don't think that we can get that apartment right now.
Of course we can.
We already have the down payment.
And you know what? We could get renters.
We could turn it into an Airbnb.
Uh, really? Different people every week? - How exciting and new.
It'd be like The Love Boat.
- Oh! Hey, Mom.
Have a second? - Already am.
- [Chuckles.]
I wanted to give you a present.
Me? No.
Honey, I want to give you a present.
That's what I've been trying to do all day.
You're the last person who should give me anything.
You got me here.
You got me to graduation, to Caltech.
You did it.
You're done.
Thank you, sweetie.
Thank you.
I love you.
- I want you to go to Europe with me.
- What? Yeah.
We'll have a great time cafés, museums.
Plus, Europe is not safe for teenage girls.
You've seen Taken.
Could you imagine Dad getting that phone call? What is his particular set of skills? Juggling? [Laughing.]
- Hey, Dad, can we talk? - Sure, honey.
- In private? - [Mock Straining.]
Oh, not so hard.
I can't breathe.
[Chuckles.]
Little robot humor.
I noticed you didn't laugh at my robot joke.
What's going on? Everyone thinks Beth is so great, but I think she's crazy.
She's been after me all day.
Why would she be after you? She thinks I'm in love with Andy.
- Are you? - No! I mean, I care about him.
He makes me laugh.
I like spending time with him.
Well, do you think about him when he's not around? I guess.
Sometimes I see something funny and I think, "Oh, Andy would love that.
I wish he were here so I could share it with him.
" But Honey, I know I'm just a robot, but that sounds like love to me.
[Exhales.]
[Sighs.]
Well Doesn't matter anyway.
He's in love with someone else.
- Maybe I'm the crazy one.
- [Knocking.]
Don't mean to interrupt.
- Just came to say good-bye.
- Mmm.
Beth and I are going to take a drive, try to catch the sunset.
- Okay.
Well, have fun.
- Okay.
It's Haley.
Haley's the girl! You love Ha [No Audio.]
love each other! Come on.
I'll walk you out.
Where are you going? You guys love each oth You're making a huge mistake! - [Beth.]
Ready? - Bye.
[Haley.]
Bye.
Come back! Oh, boy.
This is gonna hurt.
[Yelps.]
Oh-ho-ho! [Shouting.]
Hello? Hello? No! [Phil.]
Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me? Hello? Oh, thank God! You've got to help me.
I've been in an accident.
I- I need you to find my daughter! Oh, great.
Thank you.
Wh What are you doing? Where are you going? Wh-Where are you taking me? Put me down! Help! I'm being taken!