Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e05 Episode Script
The All-England Summarise Proust Competition
AND NOW IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES.
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO THE ARTHUR LUDLOW MEMORIAL BATHS, NEWPOR FOR THIS YEAR'S FINALS OF THE ALL-ENGLAND SUMMARIZE PROUST COMPETITION.
AS YOU MA Y REMEMBER, EACH CONTESTANT HAS TO GIVE A BRIEF SUMMARY OF PROUST'S A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU ONCE IN A SWIMSUI AND ONCE IN EVENING DRESS.
THE FIELD HAS NOW NARROWED TO THREE FINALISTS AND YOURJUDGES TONIGHTARE ALEC AND ERIC BEDSER, EX-SURREY CRICKETERS; STEWART SURRIDGE, EX-CAPTAIN OF SURREY; OMAR SHARIF; LAURIE FISHLOCK, EX-SURREY OPENING BATSMAN; PETER MAY, THE FORMER SURREY AND ENGLAND CAPTAIN; AND YEHUDI MENUHIN, THE WORLD-FAMOUS VIOLINIS AND THE PRESIDEN OF THE SURREY CRICKET CLUB.
AND RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET YOUR HOST FOR TONIGH ARTHUR MEE! GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.
WHEREAS PROUST WOULD SAY, "LE MALADE IMAGINAIRE "DE RECONDITION ET DE TOUTE SURVEILLANCE EST BIENTOT LA MEME CHOSE.
" REMEMBER, EACH CONTESTAN THIS EVENING HAS A MAXIMUM OF 15 SECONDS TO SUMMARIZE A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU AND ON THE PROUSTOMETER HERE YOU CAN SEE EXACTLY HOW FAR HE GETS.
SO LET'S CRACK STRAIGHT ON WITH OUR FIRST CONTESTANT TONIGHT.
HE'S LAST YEAR'S SEMIFINALIST, FROM LUTON, MR.
HARRY BAGOT.
HELLO, HARRY.
NOW, THERE'S THE SUMMARIZING SPOT.
YOU'RE ON THE SUMMARIZING SPOT.
15 SECONDS FROM NOW! PROUST'S NOVEL OSTENSIBLY TELLS OF THE IRREVOCABILITY OF TIME LOS THE FORFEITURE OF INNOCENCE THROUGH EXPERIENCE THE REINSTALLMENT OF EXTRATEMPORAL VALUES OF TIME REGAINED.
ULTIMATELY THE NOVEL IS BOTH OPTIMISTIC AND SET WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF A HUMANE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE RESTATING AS IT DOES THE CONCEPT OF INTEMPORALITY.
IN THE FIRST VOLUME, SWANN, THE FAMILY FRIEND, VISITS WELL TRIED, HARRY.
A GOOD ATTEMPT THERE BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE CHOSE A GENERAL APPRAISAL OF THE WORK BEFORE GETTING ON TO THE STORY, AND AS YOU CAN SEE HE ONLY GOT AS FAR AS PAGE ONE OF SWANN'S WAY THE FIRST OF THE SEVEN VOLUMES.
A GOOD TRY, THOUGH, AND VERY NICE POSTURE.
HARRY BAGOT, YOU'RE FROM LUTON? YES, ARTHUR, YEAH.
NOW, HARRY, WHAT MADE YOU FIRST WANT TO TRY AND STAR SUMMARIZING PROUST? WELL, I FIRST ENTERED A SEASIDE SUMMARIZING PROUST COMPETITION WHEN I WAS ON HOLIDAY IN BOURNEMOUTH AND MY DOCTOR ENCOURAGED ME WITH IT.
AND, HARRY, WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES OUTSIDE SUMMARIZING? WELL, THERE'S GOLF, AND STRANGLING ANIMALS.
WELL, THERE HE GOES HARRY BAGOT.
HE MUST HAVE LET HIMSELF DOWN A BIT ON THE HOBBIES.
GOLF'S NOT VERY POPULAR AROUND HERE.
BUT NEVER MIND, A GOOD TRY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR.
RUTHERFORD, FROM LEICESTER.
ARE YOU READY, RONALD? YEAH, YEAH.
RIGHT, AT YOUR SUMMARIZING SPOT.
YOU HAVE GO 15 SECONDS FROM NOW! ER OOH! ER, OH, SWANN, SWANN! ER, SWANN.
THERE'S THIS HOUSE THERE'S THIS HOUSE, ER, AND IT'S IN THE MORNING, IT'S IN THE MORNING.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S IN THE EVENING IN THE EVENING, AND THEN THERE'S A GARDEN UH AND, ER, THIS BLOKE COMES IN BLOKE COMES IN.
WHAT'S HIS NAME? WHAT'S HIS NAME? OH, GOD, JUST SAID IT, JUST SAID IT.
UH, BIG BLOKE SWANN! SWANN! OH, OUT OF TIME.
I'M SORRY, WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE YOU TO WELCOME THE LAST OF OUR ALL-ENGLAND FINALISTS THIS EVENING FROM BINGLEY, THE BOLTON CHORAL SOCIETY AND THEIR LEADER, SUPERINTENDENT McGOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, BINGLEY.
REMEMBER, YOU'VE GOT 15 SECONDS TO SUMMARIZE PROUS IN THEIR ENTIRETY STARTING FROM NOW! VERY AMBITIOUS TRY THERE BUT IN FACT THE LEAS SUCCESSFUL OF THE EVENING.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GE AS FAR AS THE FIRST VOLUME.
WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I DON'T THINK ANY OF OUR CONTESTANTS THIS EVENING HAVE SUCCEEDED IN ENCAPSULATING THE INTRICACIES OF PROUST'S MASTERWORK.
SO I'M GOING TO AWARD THE FIRST PRIZE THIS EVENING TO THE GIRL WITH THE BIGGEST TITS.
MOUNT EVEREST FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THE MOUNTAIN WITH THE BIGGEST TITS IN THE WORLD.
START AGAIN! MOUNT EVEREST FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THIS YEAR, THIS REMOTE HIMALAYAN MOUNTAIN THIS MYSTICAL TEMPLE SURROUNDED BY THE MOS DIFFICULT TERRAIN IN THE WORLD REPULSED YET ANOTHER ATTEMP TO CONQUER I THIS TIME BY THE INTERNATIONAL HAIRDRESSERS' EXPEDITION.
IN SUCH FREEZING ADVERSE CONDITIONS MAN COMES VERY CLOSE TO BREAKING POINT.
WHAT WAS THE REAL CAUSE OF THE DISHARMONY WHICH DESTROYED THEIR CHANCES OF SUCCESS? WELL, PEOPLE WOULD KEEP TAKING YOUR HAIRDRYER AND NEVER RETURNING IT.
THERE WAS A LOT OF BITCHING IN THE TENTS.
YOU COULDN'T GE NEAR THE MIRROR.
THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION WAS COLONEL SIR JOHN "TEASY WEASY" BUTLER VETERAN OF K2, ANNAPURNA AND VIDALS.
HIS PLAN WAS TO IGNORE THE USUAL ROUTE ROUND THE SOUTH COL AND TO MAKE STRAIGHT FOR THE TOP.
WELL, WE ESTABLISHED BASE SALON HERE AND CLIMBED QUITE STEADILY UP TO MARIO'S, HERE.
FROM HERE, USING CRAMPONS AND CUTTING ICE STEPS AS WE WEN WE MOVED STEADILY UP THE LHOTSE FACE TO THE NORTH RIDGE ESTABLISHING CAMP III WHERE WE COULD GET A HOT MEAL, A MANICURE AND A SHAMPOO AND SET.
COULD IT WORK? COULD THIS 18-YEAR-OLD HAIRDRESSER FROM BRIXTON SUCCEED WHERE OTHERS HAD FAILED? THE SITUATION WAS COMPLICATED BY THE IMMINENT ARRIVAL OF THE MONSOON STORMS.
PATRICE TAKES UP THE STORY.
WELL, WE KNEW AS WELL AS ANYONE THAT THE MONSOONS WERE DUE BUT THE THING WAS RICKY AND I HAD JUST HAD A BLOW-DRY AND RINSE AND WE COULDN'T GO OU FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
AFTER A BLAZING ROW THE GERMANS AND THE ITALIANS HAD TURNED BACK TAKING WITH THEM THE LAST OF THE HAIRNETS.
ON THE THIRD DA Y, A BLIZZARD BLEW UP.
TEMPERATURES FELL TO MINUS 3O CENTIGRADE.
INSIDE THE LITTLE TENT, THINGS WERE GETTING DESPERATE.
WELL, THINGS HAVE GOT SO BAD THAT WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO USE THE LAST OF THE HEAVY OXYGEN EQUIPMEN JUST TO KEEP THE DRYERS GOING.
CUP OF MILO, LOVE.
OH, SHE'S A TREAS.
BUT A NEW FACTOR HAD ENTERED THE RACE.
A TEAM OF FRENCH CHIROPODISTS WORKING WITH BRAND-NEW CORN PLASTERS AND DR.
SCHOLL'S MOUNTAINEERING SANDALS WERE COVERING GROUND FAST.
THE GLASGOW ORPHEUS MALE VOICE CHOIR WERE TACKLING THE DIFFICULT NORTH COL.
ALTOGETHER 14 EXPEDITIONS WERE AT HIS HEELS.
THIS WAS IT.
RICK HAD TO MAKE A DECISION.
WELL, HE DECIDED TO OPEN A SALON.
IT WAS A TREMENDOUS SUCCESS.
CHALLENGING EVEREST? WHY NOT DROP IN AT RICKY PULE'S ONLY 24,000 FEE FROM THIS CINEMA.
RICKY AND MAURICE OFFER A VARIETY OF STYLES FOR THE WELL-GROOMED CLIMBER.
LIKE SHERPA TENZING AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY BE NUMBER ONE ON TOP WHEN YOU'RE NUMBER ONE ON TOP.
THIS CINEMA IS PROUD TO PRESEN 20th-CENTURY FROG'S PRODUCTION: OH, JAMES! OH, BEATRICE! OH JAMES! OH OH, BEATRICE! OH OH, JAMES I COULD MAKE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER YOU.
OH, BEATRICE, DO DO! OH, YES, JAMES, YES! OH, JAMES! BEATRICE! OH JAMES! BEATRICE! OH JAMES, I COULD MAKE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER YOU.
OH, BEATRICE, DO DO! OH, YES, JAMES, YES! OH JAMES! OH BEATRICE! OH JAMES! OH BEATRICE! OH, JAMES OH, SHUT UP! HELLO, IS THAT THE FIRE BRIGADE? NO, SORRY, WRONG NUMBER.
THAT PHONE'S NOT STOPPED RINGING ALL DAY.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'VE MIXED THE BATTER? DO YOU DICE THE HAM WITH THE CORIANDER? NO, NO, YOU PUT THEM IN SEPARATELY WHEN THE VINE LEAVES ARE READY.
OH, NO, NOT AGAIN.
TAKE IT OFF THE HOOK.
I CAN'T GE THE FIRE BRIGADE, MERVYN.
HERE, LET ME TRY, DEAR.
YOU GO AND PLAY THE CELLO.
OH, IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD, DEAR.
LOOK, DO YOU WANT THAT LITTLE HAMSTER TO LIVE OR NOT? YES, I DO, MERVYN.
WELL, GO AND PLAY THE CELLO! HELLO? HELLO, OPERATOR? YES, WE'RE TRYING TO GET THE FIRE BRIGADE.
NO, THE FIRE BRIGADE.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES WHAT? SIZE EIGHT.
YES YES YES YES YES YES NO, OF COURSE NOT.
YES HE'S GONE, DEAR.
WHAT? HE'S SLIPPED AWAY.
WHAT? THE SODDING HAMSTER'S DEAD! OH, NO! WHAT WERE YOU PLAYING? SOME MOZAR CONCERTOS, DEAR.
WHAT? HOW DID HE? HIS EYES JUST CLOSED AND HE FELL INTO THE WASTEPAPER BASKET.
I'VE COVERED HIM WITH A COPY OF THE CHARLIE GEORGE FOOTBALL BOOK.
RIGHT, YOU HANG ON.
I MUST GO AND SEE HIM.
THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO, MERVYN.
IF WE'D HAVE HAD THE WHOLE PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA IN THERE HE'D STILL HAVE GONE.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
I CAN'T BEAR IT.
THERE ISN' AN UPSTAIRS, DEAR.
IT'S A BUNGALOW.
DAMN! HELLO? OH, I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
IT'S JUST THAT SIZE THREE, YES.
IT'S JUST, WE'VE LOS A DEAR ONE, AND MY SON WAS YES, THAT'S RIGHT, SIZE EIGHT, YES, AND OH, I SEE.
YES YES YES YES, YES YES YES, I SEE, UH YES.
YES, I I YES.
OH, YES NO! NO YES I SEE.
THEY CAN'T GE THE FIRE BRIGADE, MERVYN.
WILL THE BOYS' BRIGADE DO? NO! THEY'D BE USELESS! NO, HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE AT THE MOMENT, THANK YOU.
NO YES.
YES NO, THANK YOU FOR TRYING.
YES.
YES NO, SAXONES.
YES.
YES, THANK YOU, BYE-BYE.
MUMMY! OH, EAMONN! MERVYN, LOOK, IT'S OUR EAMONN! OH, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
HOW WELL YOU'RE LOOKING.
TELL ME, HOW IS I IN DUBLIN? WELL, THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMEN BUT THERE DOES SEEM SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT.
OH, DON'T TALK.
LET ME JUST LOOK AT YOU.
GREAT TO BE HOME, MUMMY.
HOW ARE YOU? OH, I'M FINE.
I MUST JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND GET YOUR ROOM READY.
IT'S A BUNGALOW, MUMMY.
OH, DAMN, YES.
MERVYN, MERVYN, LOOK WHO'S HERE! IT'S OUR EAMONN COME BACK TO SEE US.
HELLO, EAMONN.
HELLO, MERV.
HOW WAS DUBLIN? WELL, AS I WAS TELLING MUMMY HERE THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMEN BUT THERE DOES SEEM SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT.
HELLO? YES? YES.
YES.
YES.
YES.
WHAT? WHAT? SIZE SEVEN.
YES.
YES.
YES, YES! YES.
IT'S THE FIRE BRIGADE.
THEY WANT TO KNOW IF THEY CAN COME ROUND THURSDAY EVENING.
OH, NO.
THURSDAY'S THE INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS BILL DINNER DANCE.
CAN'T THEY MAKE I ANOTHER DAY? UH, HELLO? NO, THURSDAY'S RIGHT OUT! YES.
YES.
YES.
YES AND SO IT WAS THAT THE FIRE BRIGADE EVENTUALLY CAME ROUND ON FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK? GIN AND TONIC? SHERRY? A DROP OF SHERRY WOULD BE LOVELY.
WE DO LIKE BEING CALLED OU TO THESE LITTLE PARTIES.
THEY'RE MUCH BETTER THAN FIRES.
YES? YES? YES.
WELL, HOW WAS DUBLIN, EAMONN? WELL, AS I WAS TELLING MUMMY AND MERVYN EARLIER THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMEN BUT THERE DOES SEEM SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL OH, LOOK AT THEM EN JOYING THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW, I USED TO DREAD PARTIES UNTIL I WATCHED PARTY HINTS BY VERONICA.
I THINK IT'S ON NOW.
HELLO.
LAST WEEK ON PARTY HINTS I SHOWED YOU HOW TO MAKE A SMALL PLATE OF GOULASH GO ROUND 26 PEOPLE HOW TO GET THE BES OUT OF YOUR CANAPES AND HOW TO UNBLOCK YOUR LOO.
THIS WEEK I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO IF THERE'S AN ARMED COMMUNIST UPRISING NEAR YOUR HOME WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A PARTY.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY IT'LL DEPEND HOW FAR YOU'VE GOT WITH YOUR PARTY WHEN THE SIGNAL FOR RED REVOLT IS RAISED.
IF YOU'RE JUST HAVING PRELIMINARY APERITIFS A DUBONNET, A SHERRY, OR A SPARKLING WHITE WINE THEN YOUR GUESTS WILL OBVIOUSLY BE IN A FAIRLY FORMAL MOOD AND IT'LL BE DIFFICULT TO TELL WHICH ARE THE COMMUNIST AGITATORS.
SO THE THING TO DO IS TO GET SOME CLOTH AND SOME BITS OF OLD PAPER PUT IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND SHOOT EVERYBODY.
THIS WILL DEAL WITH THE RED MENACE ON YOUR OWN DOORSTEP.
IF YOU'RE HAVING CANAPES, AS I SHOWED YOU LAST WEEK OR AN OUTDOOR BARBECUE THEN THE THING TO DO IS TO SET FIRE TO ALL THE HOUSES IN THE STREET.
THIS WILL STIR UP ANTICOMMUNIST HATRED AND YOUR NEIGHBORS WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU AS YOU ORGANIZE COUNTERREVOLUTIONARY TERROR.
SO YOU SEE, IF YOU AC PROMPTLY ENOUGH ANY LEFT-WING UPRISING CAN BE DEALT WITH BY THE END OF THE PARTY.
BYE.
AH, SHE'S FINALLY GONE AWAY.
ALL RIGHT, COMRADES, TIME TO GO TO WORK.
HELLO, WE ARE SELLING COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONS.
WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE BE INTERESTED? OH, YES, I'LL TAKE A DOZEN, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
ONE DOZEN COMMUNIS REVOLUTIONS COMING UP.
I GET IT! COMMUNIST REVOLUTION! THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PIECE OF FILTH.
GOD, I HATE YOU! YOU MAKE ME WAN TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT! WASN'T THAT CUTE? REMEMBER, YOU TOO CAN GET YOUR OWN PUTRID PETER DOLL IN TIME TO PACIFY YOUR NEXT PARTY.
BUT WHY STOP THERE? WHY NOT GET A BARRY BIGOT DOLL, TOO? JUST WATCH THIS.
BLACK PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE.
RRRRHODESIAN.
KILL THE BLACKS.
KILL THE BLACKS.
RRRRHODESIAN.
SMITH, SMITH.
KILL THE BLACKS WITHIN THE FIVE PRINCIPLES.
I'M AFRAID I CANNOT COMMENT ON THA UNTIL IT HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY HUSHED UP.
THIS IS OUR POLITICIANS' BOOTH.
WHILE THERE'S NO UNDUE CAUSE FOR CONCERN THERE IS CERTAINLY NO ROOM FOR COMPLACENCY.
HA, HA, HA, HE, HE, HE.
I'LL GO TO THE FOO OF OUR STAIRS.
EE ECKY THUMP.
PUT WOOD IN 'OLE, MUTHER.
YES, SORRY? EE ECKY THUMP.
EE ECKY THUMP.
EE ECKY THUMP! EE ECKY THUMP! EXCELLENT! IT'S A VERY QUICK METHOD OF LEARNING.
CAN YOU SMELL GAS, OR IS IT ME? LOOKS JOLLY GOOD.
HELLO, BIG BOY.
OO, VARDA THE OME.
DO YOU WAN A NICE TIME? VERY GOOD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
AND WE CONTROL EVERYTHING FROM HERE.
SUPERB.
WELL, WHA SORT OF THING WERE YOU LOOKING FOR? WELL, REALLY SOMETHING TO MAKE ME A LITTLE LESS INSIGNIFICANT.
OH, I SEE, SORT OF "NOW, LOOK HERE, YOU MAY BE CHAIRMAN "BUT YOUR BLOODY PUSILLANIMOUS BEHAVIOR MAKES ME VOMIT!" THAT SOR OF THING? NO, NO, NO, NOT REALLY, NO.
OH, I SEE, WELL, PERHAPS SOMETHING A BIT MORE SORT OF CLIVE JENKINS-ISH? PERHAPS, SORT OF: "MR.
SMARMY SO- CALLED HAROLD WILSON "CAN CALL HIMSELF PRAGMATIC UNTIL HE'S BLUE IN THE BREAST!" NO, NOT REALLY.
I REALLY WAN SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE BE ATTRACTED TO ME LIKE A MAGNET.
OH, I SEE, WELL, YOU WANT OUR "LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY" TAPE THEN, I THINK.
WHAT'S THAT? WELL, IT'S SORT OF: HELLO, SQUIRE! HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR A BIT! HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR A BIT EITHER, BERYL.
TWO PINTS OF WALLOP, PLEASE, LOVE.
STILL DRIVING THE JENSEN, THEN? CHEER UP, JACK, IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN.
WHAT'S YOUR POISON, THEN? FANTASTIC, YES.
RIGHT, I'LL JUST SEE IF WE'VE GOT THE TAPE.
START AGAIN.
MOUNT EVEREST FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THE HIGHEST PLACE ON EARTH.
NO, I'M SORRY, WE DON'T GO THERE.
GOOD MORNING.
OH, GOOD MORNING.
DO YOU WAN TO GO UPSTAIRS? WHAT? DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS? OR HAVE YOU COME TO ARRANGE A HOLIDAY? UH, TO ARRANGE A HOLIDAY.
OH, SORRY.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT GOING UPSTAIRS? OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
NOW, WHERE WERE YOU THINKING OF GOING? INDIA.
AH, ONE OF OUR ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS.
YES.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER SPEAK TO MR.
BOUNDER ABOUT THAT.
MR.
BOUNDER, THIS GENTLEMAN IS INTERESTED IN THE INDIA OVERLAND.
AH, GOOD MORNING.
I'M BOUNDER OF ADVENTURE.
MORNING, MY NAME IS SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
WHAT? MY NAME IS SMOKE-TOO-MUCH, MR.
SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER CUT DOWN A BIT, THEN.
WHAT? YOU'D BETTER CU DOWN A BIT, THEN.
OH, I SEE.
CUT DOWN A BI FOR SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
YES.
I EXPECT YOU GET PEOPLE MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOUR NAME ALL THE TIME, EH? NO, NO.
ACTUALLY, IT NEVER STRUCK ME BEFORE.
SMOKE TOO MUCH! ANYWAY, YOU'RE INTERESTED IN ONE OF OUR ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS, EH? YES, YES, I SAW YOUR ADVER IN THE BOLOR SUPPLEMENT.
THE WHAT? THE BOLOR SUPPLEMENT.
THE COLOR SUPPLEMENT? YES, I'M SORRY I CAN'T SAY THE LETTER "B.
" "C.
" YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ALL DUE TO A TRAUMA I SUFFERED WHEN I WAS A SPOOLBOY.
I WAS ATTACKED BY A BAT.
A CAT? NO, A BAT.
CAN YOU SAY THE LETTER "K"? OH, YES, KHAKI, KING, KETTLE, KUWAIT, KEBLE BOLLEGE OXFORD.
WHY DON'T YOU SAY THE LETTER "K" INSTEAD OF THE LETTER "C"? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SPELL "BOLOR" WITH A "K"? YES.
KOLOR.
YES.
OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
WELL, I SAW YOUR ADVER IN THE PAPER AND I'VE BEEN ON PACKAGE TOURS SEVERAL TIMES, YOU SEE AND I DECIDED THAT THIS WAS FOR ME.
OH, GOOD.
YES, I QUITE AGREE WITH YOU.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POIN OF BEING TREATED LIKE A SHEEP? I MEAN, I'M FED UP OF GOING ABROAD AND BEING TREATED LIKE SHEEP.
WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING CARTED AROUND IN BUSES SURROUNDED BY SWEATY, MINDLESS OAFS FROM KETTERING AND BOVENTRY? THEIR CLOTH CAPS AND THEIR CARDIGANS AND THEIR TRANSISTOR RADIOS AND THEIR SUNDA Y MIRRORS BOMPLAINING ABOUT THE TEA "OH, THEY DON'T MAKE I PROPERLY HERE, DO THEY? NOT LIKE AT HOME.
" STOPPING AT MAJORCAN BODEGAS SELLING FISH AND CHIPS AND WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND CALAMARES AND TWO VEG AND SITTING IN COTTON SUN FROCKS SQUIRTING TIMOTHY WHITE'S SUN CREAM ALL OVER THEIR PUFFY, RAW, SWOLLEN, PURULENT FLESH BECAUSE THEY OVERDID I ON THE FIRST DAY! YES, ABSOLUTELY, I QUITE AGREE.
AND BEING HERDED INTO ENDLESS HOTEL MIRAMARS AND BELLVUESES AND BONTINENTALS WITH THEIR INTERNATIONAL LUXURY MODERN ROOMETTES AND THEIR WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND THEIR SWIMMING POOLS FULL OF FA GERMAN BUSINESSMEN PRETENDING TO BE ACROBATS AND FORMING PYRAMIDS AND FRIGHTENING THE CHILDREN BARGING INTO THE QUEUES AND IF YOU'RE NOT A YOUR TABLE SPOT ON SEVEN YOU MISS YOUR BOWL OF CAMPBELL'S CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP THE FIRST ITEM ON THE MENU OF INTERNATIONAL CUISINE.
AND EVERY THURSDAY NIGH THERE'S BLOODY CABARET IN THE BAR FEATURING SOME TINY, EMACIATED DAGO WITH NINE-INCH HIPS AND SOME BIG, FAT, BLOATED TAR WITH HER HAIR BRYLCREEMED DOWN AND A BIG ARSE PRESENTING FLAMENCO FOR FOREIGNERS.
YES, YES, QUITE AND THEN SURROUNDED BY ADENOIDAL TYPISTS FROM BIRMINGHAM WITH DIARRHEA AND FLABBY WHITE LEGS AND HAIRY, BANDY-LEGGED WOP WAITERS CALLED MANUEL AND THEN ONCE A WEEK THERE'S AN EXCURSION TO THE LOCAL ROMAN RUINS WHERE YOU CAN BUY CHERRYADE AND MELTED ICE CREAM AND BLEEDIN' WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND THEN ONE NIGH THEY TAKE YOU TO A LOCAL RESTAURAN WITH LOCAL COLOR AND COLORING AND THEY SHOW YOU THERE AND YOU SIT NEXT TO A PARTY OF PEOPLE FROM RHYL AND COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FOOD.
"OH, IT'S SO GREASY, ISN'T IT?" AND THEN YOU GET CORNERED BY SOME DRUNKEN GREENGROCER FROM LUTON WITH AN INSTAMATIC AND DR.
SCHOLL SANDALS AND TUESDAY'S DAILY EXPRESS AND HE DRONES ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT HOW MR.
SMITH SHOULD BE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY.
QUIET, PLEASE.
AND THEN HE THROWS UP ALL OVER THE CUBA LIBRES.
WILL YOU BE QUIET, PLEASE? POSTCARDS OF PLACES THEY DON'T KNOW THEY HAVEN'T EVEN VISITED "TO ALL AT NUMBER 22, WEATHER WONDERFUL.
OUR ROOM MARKED WITH AN 'X'" SHUT UP! "FOOD VERY GREASY "BUT WE HAVE MANAGED TO FIND THIS MARVELOUS LITTLE PLACE HIDDEN AWAY" SHUT UP! "WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND CHEESE AND ONION.
" SHUT UP! AND THE ACCORDIONIST PLAYS SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB! OH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
I'M GOING TO RING THE POLICE.
NOTHING TO EA BUT DRIED WATNEY'S SANDWICHES.
OH, TAKE I OFF THE HOOK.
AND THERE'S NOWHERE TO SLEEP HELLO, OPERATOR? OPERATOR? YES, OPERATOR, I'M TRYING TO GET THE POLICE.
YES, YES THE POLICE! YES, WHAT? NINE AND A HALF NINE AND A HALF! WHEN YOU GE TO MALAGA AIRPOR EVERYBODY'S SWALLOWING WHAT? SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
WILL YOU COME THIS WAY, PLEASE? HERE THEY ARE.
RIGHT.
JUST HERE WILL DO FINE.
BYE-BYE.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAVE WITH ME TONIGH ANNE ELK, MRS.
ANNE ELK.
MISS.
YOU HAVE A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE BRONTOSAURUS.
CAN I JUST SAY HERE, CHRIS, FOR ONE MOMEN THAT I HAVE A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE BRONTOSAURUS? EXACTLY.
WHAT IS IT? WHERE? I MEAN YOUR NEW THEORY.
OH, WHAT IS MY THEORY? OH, WHAT IS MY THEORY, THAT IT IS.
WELL, CHRIS, YOU MAY WELL ASK ME WHAT IS MY THEORY.
I AM ASKING.
GOOD FOR YOU.
MY WORD, YES.
WELL, CHRIS, WHA IS IT THAT IT IS THIS THEORY OF MINE? WELL, THIS IS WHAT IT IS.
MY THEORY THAT I HAVE THAT IS TO SAY, WHICH IS MINE IS MINE.
YES, I KNOW IT'S YOURS.
WHAT IS IT? WHERE? YOUR THEORY.
OH, WHAT IS MY THIS IS IT.
MY THEORY THA BELONGS TO ME IS AS FOLLOWS.
THIS IS HOW IT GOES.
THE NEXT THING I'M GOING TO SAY IS MY THEORY.
READY? MY THEORY, BY A.
ELK BRACKETS, MISS, BRACKETS THIS THEORY GOES AS FOLLOWS AND BEGINS NOW: ALL BRONTOSAURUSES ARE THIN AT ONE END MUCH, MUCH THICKER IN THE MIDDLE AND THEN THIN AGAIN AT THE FAR END.
THAT IS MY THEORY.
IT IS MINE AND BELONGS TO ME AND I OWN I AND WHAT IT IS, TOO.
THAT'S IT, IS IT? SPOT ON, CHRIS.
WELL, THIS THEORY OF YOURS APPEARS TO HAVE HI THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.
AND IT'S MINE.
YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING ALONG TO THE STUDIO.
MY PLEASURE, CHRIS.
NEXT WEEK, BRITAIN'S IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN.
YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SAYING WHA MY THEORY IS.
YES, THANK YOU.
AND WHOSE IT IS.
YES, THANK YOU, THAT'S ALL.
I HAVE ANOTHER THEORY YES CALLED MY SECOND THEORY OR MY THEORY NUMBER TWO WHICH I COULD EXPOUND WITHOUT DOUBT.
THIS SECOND THEORY YES? WHICH WITH THE ONE THAT I HAVE SAID I'M TRYING WHICH ARE MINE AND WHICH BELONG TO ME NINE AND HALF, WIDE FITTING.
GOES LIKE THIS.
BALLEYS OF BOND STREET.
WHAT? NO, SORT OF BROGUE.
THIS IS WHAT IT IS.
EIGHT AND A HALF.
THIS IS IT.
MY SECOND THEORY EXCUSE ME! HELLO, YES, YES? PROMISES YOU THAT THE RAGING CHOLERA EPIDEMIC THE FIRE BRIGADE ARE HERE! THEY'RE COMING! HELLO? NO, NO, I THINK THEY'RE ALL PART OF THE BRITISH SHOE CORPORATION NOW.
CHRIS, THIS OTHER THEORY OF MINE THE SECOND THEORY MY SECOND THEORY STATES THAT FIRE BRIGADE CHOIRS SELDOM SING SONGS ABOUT MARCEL PROUST.
START AGAIN.
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO THE ARTHUR LUDLOW MEMORIAL BATHS, NEWPOR FOR THIS YEAR'S FINALS OF THE ALL-ENGLAND SUMMARIZE PROUST COMPETITION.
AS YOU MA Y REMEMBER, EACH CONTESTANT HAS TO GIVE A BRIEF SUMMARY OF PROUST'S A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU ONCE IN A SWIMSUI AND ONCE IN EVENING DRESS.
THE FIELD HAS NOW NARROWED TO THREE FINALISTS AND YOURJUDGES TONIGHTARE ALEC AND ERIC BEDSER, EX-SURREY CRICKETERS; STEWART SURRIDGE, EX-CAPTAIN OF SURREY; OMAR SHARIF; LAURIE FISHLOCK, EX-SURREY OPENING BATSMAN; PETER MAY, THE FORMER SURREY AND ENGLAND CAPTAIN; AND YEHUDI MENUHIN, THE WORLD-FAMOUS VIOLINIS AND THE PRESIDEN OF THE SURREY CRICKET CLUB.
AND RIGHT NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET YOUR HOST FOR TONIGH ARTHUR MEE! GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.
WHEREAS PROUST WOULD SAY, "LE MALADE IMAGINAIRE "DE RECONDITION ET DE TOUTE SURVEILLANCE EST BIENTOT LA MEME CHOSE.
" REMEMBER, EACH CONTESTAN THIS EVENING HAS A MAXIMUM OF 15 SECONDS TO SUMMARIZE A LA RECHERCHE DU TEMPS PERDU AND ON THE PROUSTOMETER HERE YOU CAN SEE EXACTLY HOW FAR HE GETS.
SO LET'S CRACK STRAIGHT ON WITH OUR FIRST CONTESTANT TONIGHT.
HE'S LAST YEAR'S SEMIFINALIST, FROM LUTON, MR.
HARRY BAGOT.
HELLO, HARRY.
NOW, THERE'S THE SUMMARIZING SPOT.
YOU'RE ON THE SUMMARIZING SPOT.
15 SECONDS FROM NOW! PROUST'S NOVEL OSTENSIBLY TELLS OF THE IRREVOCABILITY OF TIME LOS THE FORFEITURE OF INNOCENCE THROUGH EXPERIENCE THE REINSTALLMENT OF EXTRATEMPORAL VALUES OF TIME REGAINED.
ULTIMATELY THE NOVEL IS BOTH OPTIMISTIC AND SET WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF A HUMANE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE RESTATING AS IT DOES THE CONCEPT OF INTEMPORALITY.
IN THE FIRST VOLUME, SWANN, THE FAMILY FRIEND, VISITS WELL TRIED, HARRY.
A GOOD ATTEMPT THERE BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE CHOSE A GENERAL APPRAISAL OF THE WORK BEFORE GETTING ON TO THE STORY, AND AS YOU CAN SEE HE ONLY GOT AS FAR AS PAGE ONE OF SWANN'S WAY THE FIRST OF THE SEVEN VOLUMES.
A GOOD TRY, THOUGH, AND VERY NICE POSTURE.
HARRY BAGOT, YOU'RE FROM LUTON? YES, ARTHUR, YEAH.
NOW, HARRY, WHAT MADE YOU FIRST WANT TO TRY AND STAR SUMMARIZING PROUST? WELL, I FIRST ENTERED A SEASIDE SUMMARIZING PROUST COMPETITION WHEN I WAS ON HOLIDAY IN BOURNEMOUTH AND MY DOCTOR ENCOURAGED ME WITH IT.
AND, HARRY, WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES OUTSIDE SUMMARIZING? WELL, THERE'S GOLF, AND STRANGLING ANIMALS.
WELL, THERE HE GOES HARRY BAGOT.
HE MUST HAVE LET HIMSELF DOWN A BIT ON THE HOBBIES.
GOLF'S NOT VERY POPULAR AROUND HERE.
BUT NEVER MIND, A GOOD TRY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR.
RUTHERFORD, FROM LEICESTER.
ARE YOU READY, RONALD? YEAH, YEAH.
RIGHT, AT YOUR SUMMARIZING SPOT.
YOU HAVE GO 15 SECONDS FROM NOW! ER OOH! ER, OH, SWANN, SWANN! ER, SWANN.
THERE'S THIS HOUSE THERE'S THIS HOUSE, ER, AND IT'S IN THE MORNING, IT'S IN THE MORNING.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S IN THE EVENING IN THE EVENING, AND THEN THERE'S A GARDEN UH AND, ER, THIS BLOKE COMES IN BLOKE COMES IN.
WHAT'S HIS NAME? WHAT'S HIS NAME? OH, GOD, JUST SAID IT, JUST SAID IT.
UH, BIG BLOKE SWANN! SWANN! OH, OUT OF TIME.
I'M SORRY, WE'RE OUT OF TIME.
AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'D LIKE YOU TO WELCOME THE LAST OF OUR ALL-ENGLAND FINALISTS THIS EVENING FROM BINGLEY, THE BOLTON CHORAL SOCIETY AND THEIR LEADER, SUPERINTENDENT McGOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, BINGLEY.
REMEMBER, YOU'VE GOT 15 SECONDS TO SUMMARIZE PROUS IN THEIR ENTIRETY STARTING FROM NOW! VERY AMBITIOUS TRY THERE BUT IN FACT THE LEAS SUCCESSFUL OF THE EVENING.
THEY DIDN'T EVEN GE AS FAR AS THE FIRST VOLUME.
WELL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I DON'T THINK ANY OF OUR CONTESTANTS THIS EVENING HAVE SUCCEEDED IN ENCAPSULATING THE INTRICACIES OF PROUST'S MASTERWORK.
SO I'M GOING TO AWARD THE FIRST PRIZE THIS EVENING TO THE GIRL WITH THE BIGGEST TITS.
MOUNT EVEREST FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THE MOUNTAIN WITH THE BIGGEST TITS IN THE WORLD.
START AGAIN! MOUNT EVEREST FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THIS YEAR, THIS REMOTE HIMALAYAN MOUNTAIN THIS MYSTICAL TEMPLE SURROUNDED BY THE MOS DIFFICULT TERRAIN IN THE WORLD REPULSED YET ANOTHER ATTEMP TO CONQUER I THIS TIME BY THE INTERNATIONAL HAIRDRESSERS' EXPEDITION.
IN SUCH FREEZING ADVERSE CONDITIONS MAN COMES VERY CLOSE TO BREAKING POINT.
WHAT WAS THE REAL CAUSE OF THE DISHARMONY WHICH DESTROYED THEIR CHANCES OF SUCCESS? WELL, PEOPLE WOULD KEEP TAKING YOUR HAIRDRYER AND NEVER RETURNING IT.
THERE WAS A LOT OF BITCHING IN THE TENTS.
YOU COULDN'T GE NEAR THE MIRROR.
THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION WAS COLONEL SIR JOHN "TEASY WEASY" BUTLER VETERAN OF K2, ANNAPURNA AND VIDALS.
HIS PLAN WAS TO IGNORE THE USUAL ROUTE ROUND THE SOUTH COL AND TO MAKE STRAIGHT FOR THE TOP.
WELL, WE ESTABLISHED BASE SALON HERE AND CLIMBED QUITE STEADILY UP TO MARIO'S, HERE.
FROM HERE, USING CRAMPONS AND CUTTING ICE STEPS AS WE WEN WE MOVED STEADILY UP THE LHOTSE FACE TO THE NORTH RIDGE ESTABLISHING CAMP III WHERE WE COULD GET A HOT MEAL, A MANICURE AND A SHAMPOO AND SET.
COULD IT WORK? COULD THIS 18-YEAR-OLD HAIRDRESSER FROM BRIXTON SUCCEED WHERE OTHERS HAD FAILED? THE SITUATION WAS COMPLICATED BY THE IMMINENT ARRIVAL OF THE MONSOON STORMS.
PATRICE TAKES UP THE STORY.
WELL, WE KNEW AS WELL AS ANYONE THAT THE MONSOONS WERE DUE BUT THE THING WAS RICKY AND I HAD JUST HAD A BLOW-DRY AND RINSE AND WE COULDN'T GO OU FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.
AFTER A BLAZING ROW THE GERMANS AND THE ITALIANS HAD TURNED BACK TAKING WITH THEM THE LAST OF THE HAIRNETS.
ON THE THIRD DA Y, A BLIZZARD BLEW UP.
TEMPERATURES FELL TO MINUS 3O CENTIGRADE.
INSIDE THE LITTLE TENT, THINGS WERE GETTING DESPERATE.
WELL, THINGS HAVE GOT SO BAD THAT WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO USE THE LAST OF THE HEAVY OXYGEN EQUIPMEN JUST TO KEEP THE DRYERS GOING.
CUP OF MILO, LOVE.
OH, SHE'S A TREAS.
BUT A NEW FACTOR HAD ENTERED THE RACE.
A TEAM OF FRENCH CHIROPODISTS WORKING WITH BRAND-NEW CORN PLASTERS AND DR.
SCHOLL'S MOUNTAINEERING SANDALS WERE COVERING GROUND FAST.
THE GLASGOW ORPHEUS MALE VOICE CHOIR WERE TACKLING THE DIFFICULT NORTH COL.
ALTOGETHER 14 EXPEDITIONS WERE AT HIS HEELS.
THIS WAS IT.
RICK HAD TO MAKE A DECISION.
WELL, HE DECIDED TO OPEN A SALON.
IT WAS A TREMENDOUS SUCCESS.
CHALLENGING EVEREST? WHY NOT DROP IN AT RICKY PULE'S ONLY 24,000 FEE FROM THIS CINEMA.
RICKY AND MAURICE OFFER A VARIETY OF STYLES FOR THE WELL-GROOMED CLIMBER.
LIKE SHERPA TENZING AND SIR EDMUND HILLARY BE NUMBER ONE ON TOP WHEN YOU'RE NUMBER ONE ON TOP.
THIS CINEMA IS PROUD TO PRESEN 20th-CENTURY FROG'S PRODUCTION: OH, JAMES! OH, BEATRICE! OH JAMES! OH OH, BEATRICE! OH OH, JAMES I COULD MAKE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER YOU.
OH, BEATRICE, DO DO! OH, YES, JAMES, YES! OH, JAMES! BEATRICE! OH JAMES! BEATRICE! OH JAMES, I COULD MAKE SUCH A FOOL OF MYSELF OVER YOU.
OH, BEATRICE, DO DO! OH, YES, JAMES, YES! OH JAMES! OH BEATRICE! OH JAMES! OH BEATRICE! OH, JAMES OH, SHUT UP! HELLO, IS THAT THE FIRE BRIGADE? NO, SORRY, WRONG NUMBER.
THAT PHONE'S NOT STOPPED RINGING ALL DAY.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'VE MIXED THE BATTER? DO YOU DICE THE HAM WITH THE CORIANDER? NO, NO, YOU PUT THEM IN SEPARATELY WHEN THE VINE LEAVES ARE READY.
OH, NO, NOT AGAIN.
TAKE IT OFF THE HOOK.
I CAN'T GE THE FIRE BRIGADE, MERVYN.
HERE, LET ME TRY, DEAR.
YOU GO AND PLAY THE CELLO.
OH, IT DOESN'T DO ANY GOOD, DEAR.
LOOK, DO YOU WANT THAT LITTLE HAMSTER TO LIVE OR NOT? YES, I DO, MERVYN.
WELL, GO AND PLAY THE CELLO! HELLO? HELLO, OPERATOR? YES, WE'RE TRYING TO GET THE FIRE BRIGADE.
NO, THE FIRE BRIGADE.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES WHAT? SIZE EIGHT.
YES YES YES YES YES YES NO, OF COURSE NOT.
YES HE'S GONE, DEAR.
WHAT? HE'S SLIPPED AWAY.
WHAT? THE SODDING HAMSTER'S DEAD! OH, NO! WHAT WERE YOU PLAYING? SOME MOZAR CONCERTOS, DEAR.
WHAT? HOW DID HE? HIS EYES JUST CLOSED AND HE FELL INTO THE WASTEPAPER BASKET.
I'VE COVERED HIM WITH A COPY OF THE CHARLIE GEORGE FOOTBALL BOOK.
RIGHT, YOU HANG ON.
I MUST GO AND SEE HIM.
THERE WAS NOTHING WE COULD DO, MERVYN.
IF WE'D HAVE HAD THE WHOLE PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA IN THERE HE'D STILL HAVE GONE.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
I CAN'T BEAR IT.
THERE ISN' AN UPSTAIRS, DEAR.
IT'S A BUNGALOW.
DAMN! HELLO? OH, I'M SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
IT'S JUST THAT SIZE THREE, YES.
IT'S JUST, WE'VE LOS A DEAR ONE, AND MY SON WAS YES, THAT'S RIGHT, SIZE EIGHT, YES, AND OH, I SEE.
YES YES YES YES, YES YES YES, I SEE, UH YES.
YES, I I YES.
OH, YES NO! NO YES I SEE.
THEY CAN'T GE THE FIRE BRIGADE, MERVYN.
WILL THE BOYS' BRIGADE DO? NO! THEY'D BE USELESS! NO, HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE AT THE MOMENT, THANK YOU.
NO YES.
YES NO, THANK YOU FOR TRYING.
YES.
YES NO, SAXONES.
YES.
YES, THANK YOU, BYE-BYE.
MUMMY! OH, EAMONN! MERVYN, LOOK, IT'S OUR EAMONN! OH, LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
HOW WELL YOU'RE LOOKING.
TELL ME, HOW IS I IN DUBLIN? WELL, THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMEN BUT THERE DOES SEEM SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT.
OH, DON'T TALK.
LET ME JUST LOOK AT YOU.
GREAT TO BE HOME, MUMMY.
HOW ARE YOU? OH, I'M FINE.
I MUST JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND GET YOUR ROOM READY.
IT'S A BUNGALOW, MUMMY.
OH, DAMN, YES.
MERVYN, MERVYN, LOOK WHO'S HERE! IT'S OUR EAMONN COME BACK TO SEE US.
HELLO, EAMONN.
HELLO, MERV.
HOW WAS DUBLIN? WELL, AS I WAS TELLING MUMMY HERE THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMEN BUT THERE DOES SEEM SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL SETTLEMENT.
HELLO? YES? YES.
YES.
YES.
YES.
WHAT? WHAT? SIZE SEVEN.
YES.
YES.
YES, YES! YES.
IT'S THE FIRE BRIGADE.
THEY WANT TO KNOW IF THEY CAN COME ROUND THURSDAY EVENING.
OH, NO.
THURSDAY'S THE INDUSTRIAL RELATIONS BILL DINNER DANCE.
CAN'T THEY MAKE I ANOTHER DAY? UH, HELLO? NO, THURSDAY'S RIGHT OUT! YES.
YES.
YES.
YES AND SO IT WAS THAT THE FIRE BRIGADE EVENTUALLY CAME ROUND ON FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK? GIN AND TONIC? SHERRY? A DROP OF SHERRY WOULD BE LOVELY.
WE DO LIKE BEING CALLED OU TO THESE LITTLE PARTIES.
THEY'RE MUCH BETTER THAN FIRES.
YES? YES? YES.
WELL, HOW WAS DUBLIN, EAMONN? WELL, AS I WAS TELLING MUMMY AND MERVYN EARLIER THINGS IS PRETTY BAD THERE AT THE MOMEN BUT THERE DOES SEEM SOME HOPE OF A CONSTITUTIONAL OH, LOOK AT THEM EN JOYING THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW, I USED TO DREAD PARTIES UNTIL I WATCHED PARTY HINTS BY VERONICA.
I THINK IT'S ON NOW.
HELLO.
LAST WEEK ON PARTY HINTS I SHOWED YOU HOW TO MAKE A SMALL PLATE OF GOULASH GO ROUND 26 PEOPLE HOW TO GET THE BES OUT OF YOUR CANAPES AND HOW TO UNBLOCK YOUR LOO.
THIS WEEK I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO IF THERE'S AN ARMED COMMUNIST UPRISING NEAR YOUR HOME WHEN YOU'RE HAVING A PARTY.
WELL, OBVIOUSLY IT'LL DEPEND HOW FAR YOU'VE GOT WITH YOUR PARTY WHEN THE SIGNAL FOR RED REVOLT IS RAISED.
IF YOU'RE JUST HAVING PRELIMINARY APERITIFS A DUBONNET, A SHERRY, OR A SPARKLING WHITE WINE THEN YOUR GUESTS WILL OBVIOUSLY BE IN A FAIRLY FORMAL MOOD AND IT'LL BE DIFFICULT TO TELL WHICH ARE THE COMMUNIST AGITATORS.
SO THE THING TO DO IS TO GET SOME CLOTH AND SOME BITS OF OLD PAPER PUT IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND SHOOT EVERYBODY.
THIS WILL DEAL WITH THE RED MENACE ON YOUR OWN DOORSTEP.
IF YOU'RE HAVING CANAPES, AS I SHOWED YOU LAST WEEK OR AN OUTDOOR BARBECUE THEN THE THING TO DO IS TO SET FIRE TO ALL THE HOUSES IN THE STREET.
THIS WILL STIR UP ANTICOMMUNIST HATRED AND YOUR NEIGHBORS WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU AS YOU ORGANIZE COUNTERREVOLUTIONARY TERROR.
SO YOU SEE, IF YOU AC PROMPTLY ENOUGH ANY LEFT-WING UPRISING CAN BE DEALT WITH BY THE END OF THE PARTY.
BYE.
AH, SHE'S FINALLY GONE AWAY.
ALL RIGHT, COMRADES, TIME TO GO TO WORK.
HELLO, WE ARE SELLING COMMUNIST REVOLUTIONS.
WOULD YOU BY ANY CHANCE BE INTERESTED? OH, YES, I'LL TAKE A DOZEN, PLEASE.
RIGHT.
ONE DOZEN COMMUNIS REVOLUTIONS COMING UP.
I GET IT! COMMUNIST REVOLUTION! THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE PIECE OF FILTH.
GOD, I HATE YOU! YOU MAKE ME WAN TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT! WASN'T THAT CUTE? REMEMBER, YOU TOO CAN GET YOUR OWN PUTRID PETER DOLL IN TIME TO PACIFY YOUR NEXT PARTY.
BUT WHY STOP THERE? WHY NOT GET A BARRY BIGOT DOLL, TOO? JUST WATCH THIS.
BLACK PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE.
RRRRHODESIAN.
KILL THE BLACKS.
KILL THE BLACKS.
RRRRHODESIAN.
SMITH, SMITH.
KILL THE BLACKS WITHIN THE FIVE PRINCIPLES.
I'M AFRAID I CANNOT COMMENT ON THA UNTIL IT HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY HUSHED UP.
THIS IS OUR POLITICIANS' BOOTH.
WHILE THERE'S NO UNDUE CAUSE FOR CONCERN THERE IS CERTAINLY NO ROOM FOR COMPLACENCY.
HA, HA, HA, HE, HE, HE.
I'LL GO TO THE FOO OF OUR STAIRS.
EE ECKY THUMP.
PUT WOOD IN 'OLE, MUTHER.
YES, SORRY? EE ECKY THUMP.
EE ECKY THUMP.
EE ECKY THUMP! EE ECKY THUMP! EXCELLENT! IT'S A VERY QUICK METHOD OF LEARNING.
CAN YOU SMELL GAS, OR IS IT ME? LOOKS JOLLY GOOD.
HELLO, BIG BOY.
OO, VARDA THE OME.
DO YOU WAN A NICE TIME? VERY GOOD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
AND WE CONTROL EVERYTHING FROM HERE.
SUPERB.
WELL, WHA SORT OF THING WERE YOU LOOKING FOR? WELL, REALLY SOMETHING TO MAKE ME A LITTLE LESS INSIGNIFICANT.
OH, I SEE, SORT OF "NOW, LOOK HERE, YOU MAY BE CHAIRMAN "BUT YOUR BLOODY PUSILLANIMOUS BEHAVIOR MAKES ME VOMIT!" THAT SOR OF THING? NO, NO, NO, NOT REALLY, NO.
OH, I SEE, WELL, PERHAPS SOMETHING A BIT MORE SORT OF CLIVE JENKINS-ISH? PERHAPS, SORT OF: "MR.
SMARMY SO- CALLED HAROLD WILSON "CAN CALL HIMSELF PRAGMATIC UNTIL HE'S BLUE IN THE BREAST!" NO, NOT REALLY.
I REALLY WAN SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE BE ATTRACTED TO ME LIKE A MAGNET.
OH, I SEE, WELL, YOU WANT OUR "LIFE AND SOUL OF THE PARTY" TAPE THEN, I THINK.
WHAT'S THAT? WELL, IT'S SORT OF: HELLO, SQUIRE! HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR A BIT! HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR A BIT EITHER, BERYL.
TWO PINTS OF WALLOP, PLEASE, LOVE.
STILL DRIVING THE JENSEN, THEN? CHEER UP, JACK, IT MAY NEVER HAPPEN.
WHAT'S YOUR POISON, THEN? FANTASTIC, YES.
RIGHT, I'LL JUST SEE IF WE'VE GOT THE TAPE.
START AGAIN.
MOUNT EVEREST FORBIDDING, ALOOF, TERRIFYING.
THE HIGHEST PLACE ON EARTH.
NO, I'M SORRY, WE DON'T GO THERE.
GOOD MORNING.
OH, GOOD MORNING.
DO YOU WAN TO GO UPSTAIRS? WHAT? DO YOU WANT TO GO UPSTAIRS? OR HAVE YOU COME TO ARRANGE A HOLIDAY? UH, TO ARRANGE A HOLIDAY.
OH, SORRY.
WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT GOING UPSTAIRS? OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
NOW, WHERE WERE YOU THINKING OF GOING? INDIA.
AH, ONE OF OUR ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS.
YES.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER SPEAK TO MR.
BOUNDER ABOUT THAT.
MR.
BOUNDER, THIS GENTLEMAN IS INTERESTED IN THE INDIA OVERLAND.
AH, GOOD MORNING.
I'M BOUNDER OF ADVENTURE.
MORNING, MY NAME IS SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
WHAT? MY NAME IS SMOKE-TOO-MUCH, MR.
SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
WELL, YOU'D BETTER CUT DOWN A BIT, THEN.
WHAT? YOU'D BETTER CU DOWN A BIT, THEN.
OH, I SEE.
CUT DOWN A BI FOR SMOKE-TOO-MUCH.
YES.
I EXPECT YOU GET PEOPLE MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOUR NAME ALL THE TIME, EH? NO, NO.
ACTUALLY, IT NEVER STRUCK ME BEFORE.
SMOKE TOO MUCH! ANYWAY, YOU'RE INTERESTED IN ONE OF OUR ADVENTURE HOLIDAYS, EH? YES, YES, I SAW YOUR ADVER IN THE BOLOR SUPPLEMENT.
THE WHAT? THE BOLOR SUPPLEMENT.
THE COLOR SUPPLEMENT? YES, I'M SORRY I CAN'T SAY THE LETTER "B.
" "C.
" YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ALL DUE TO A TRAUMA I SUFFERED WHEN I WAS A SPOOLBOY.
I WAS ATTACKED BY A BAT.
A CAT? NO, A BAT.
CAN YOU SAY THE LETTER "K"? OH, YES, KHAKI, KING, KETTLE, KUWAIT, KEBLE BOLLEGE OXFORD.
WHY DON'T YOU SAY THE LETTER "K" INSTEAD OF THE LETTER "C"? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SPELL "BOLOR" WITH A "K"? YES.
KOLOR.
YES.
OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
WELL, I SAW YOUR ADVER IN THE PAPER AND I'VE BEEN ON PACKAGE TOURS SEVERAL TIMES, YOU SEE AND I DECIDED THAT THIS WAS FOR ME.
OH, GOOD.
YES, I QUITE AGREE WITH YOU.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE POIN OF BEING TREATED LIKE A SHEEP? I MEAN, I'M FED UP OF GOING ABROAD AND BEING TREATED LIKE SHEEP.
WHAT'S THE POINT OF BEING CARTED AROUND IN BUSES SURROUNDED BY SWEATY, MINDLESS OAFS FROM KETTERING AND BOVENTRY? THEIR CLOTH CAPS AND THEIR CARDIGANS AND THEIR TRANSISTOR RADIOS AND THEIR SUNDA Y MIRRORS BOMPLAINING ABOUT THE TEA "OH, THEY DON'T MAKE I PROPERLY HERE, DO THEY? NOT LIKE AT HOME.
" STOPPING AT MAJORCAN BODEGAS SELLING FISH AND CHIPS AND WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND CALAMARES AND TWO VEG AND SITTING IN COTTON SUN FROCKS SQUIRTING TIMOTHY WHITE'S SUN CREAM ALL OVER THEIR PUFFY, RAW, SWOLLEN, PURULENT FLESH BECAUSE THEY OVERDID I ON THE FIRST DAY! YES, ABSOLUTELY, I QUITE AGREE.
AND BEING HERDED INTO ENDLESS HOTEL MIRAMARS AND BELLVUESES AND BONTINENTALS WITH THEIR INTERNATIONAL LUXURY MODERN ROOMETTES AND THEIR WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND THEIR SWIMMING POOLS FULL OF FA GERMAN BUSINESSMEN PRETENDING TO BE ACROBATS AND FORMING PYRAMIDS AND FRIGHTENING THE CHILDREN BARGING INTO THE QUEUES AND IF YOU'RE NOT A YOUR TABLE SPOT ON SEVEN YOU MISS YOUR BOWL OF CAMPBELL'S CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP THE FIRST ITEM ON THE MENU OF INTERNATIONAL CUISINE.
AND EVERY THURSDAY NIGH THERE'S BLOODY CABARET IN THE BAR FEATURING SOME TINY, EMACIATED DAGO WITH NINE-INCH HIPS AND SOME BIG, FAT, BLOATED TAR WITH HER HAIR BRYLCREEMED DOWN AND A BIG ARSE PRESENTING FLAMENCO FOR FOREIGNERS.
YES, YES, QUITE AND THEN SURROUNDED BY ADENOIDAL TYPISTS FROM BIRMINGHAM WITH DIARRHEA AND FLABBY WHITE LEGS AND HAIRY, BANDY-LEGGED WOP WAITERS CALLED MANUEL AND THEN ONCE A WEEK THERE'S AN EXCURSION TO THE LOCAL ROMAN RUINS WHERE YOU CAN BUY CHERRYADE AND MELTED ICE CREAM AND BLEEDIN' WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND THEN ONE NIGH THEY TAKE YOU TO A LOCAL RESTAURAN WITH LOCAL COLOR AND COLORING AND THEY SHOW YOU THERE AND YOU SIT NEXT TO A PARTY OF PEOPLE FROM RHYL AND COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FOOD.
"OH, IT'S SO GREASY, ISN'T IT?" AND THEN YOU GET CORNERED BY SOME DRUNKEN GREENGROCER FROM LUTON WITH AN INSTAMATIC AND DR.
SCHOLL SANDALS AND TUESDAY'S DAILY EXPRESS AND HE DRONES ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT HOW MR.
SMITH SHOULD BE RUNNING THIS COUNTRY.
QUIET, PLEASE.
AND THEN HE THROWS UP ALL OVER THE CUBA LIBRES.
WILL YOU BE QUIET, PLEASE? POSTCARDS OF PLACES THEY DON'T KNOW THEY HAVEN'T EVEN VISITED "TO ALL AT NUMBER 22, WEATHER WONDERFUL.
OUR ROOM MARKED WITH AN 'X'" SHUT UP! "FOOD VERY GREASY "BUT WE HAVE MANAGED TO FIND THIS MARVELOUS LITTLE PLACE HIDDEN AWAY" SHUT UP! "WATNEY'S RED BARREL AND CHEESE AND ONION.
" SHUT UP! AND THE ACCORDIONIST PLAYS SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB! OH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
I'M GOING TO RING THE POLICE.
NOTHING TO EA BUT DRIED WATNEY'S SANDWICHES.
OH, TAKE I OFF THE HOOK.
AND THERE'S NOWHERE TO SLEEP HELLO, OPERATOR? OPERATOR? YES, OPERATOR, I'M TRYING TO GET THE POLICE.
YES, YES THE POLICE! YES, WHAT? NINE AND A HALF NINE AND A HALF! WHEN YOU GE TO MALAGA AIRPOR EVERYBODY'S SWALLOWING WHAT? SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.
WILL YOU COME THIS WAY, PLEASE? HERE THEY ARE.
RIGHT.
JUST HERE WILL DO FINE.
BYE-BYE.
GOOD EVENING.
I HAVE WITH ME TONIGH ANNE ELK, MRS.
ANNE ELK.
MISS.
YOU HAVE A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE BRONTOSAURUS.
CAN I JUST SAY HERE, CHRIS, FOR ONE MOMEN THAT I HAVE A NEW THEORY ABOUT THE BRONTOSAURUS? EXACTLY.
WHAT IS IT? WHERE? I MEAN YOUR NEW THEORY.
OH, WHAT IS MY THEORY? OH, WHAT IS MY THEORY, THAT IT IS.
WELL, CHRIS, YOU MAY WELL ASK ME WHAT IS MY THEORY.
I AM ASKING.
GOOD FOR YOU.
MY WORD, YES.
WELL, CHRIS, WHA IS IT THAT IT IS THIS THEORY OF MINE? WELL, THIS IS WHAT IT IS.
MY THEORY THAT I HAVE THAT IS TO SAY, WHICH IS MINE IS MINE.
YES, I KNOW IT'S YOURS.
WHAT IS IT? WHERE? YOUR THEORY.
OH, WHAT IS MY THIS IS IT.
MY THEORY THA BELONGS TO ME IS AS FOLLOWS.
THIS IS HOW IT GOES.
THE NEXT THING I'M GOING TO SAY IS MY THEORY.
READY? MY THEORY, BY A.
ELK BRACKETS, MISS, BRACKETS THIS THEORY GOES AS FOLLOWS AND BEGINS NOW: ALL BRONTOSAURUSES ARE THIN AT ONE END MUCH, MUCH THICKER IN THE MIDDLE AND THEN THIN AGAIN AT THE FAR END.
THAT IS MY THEORY.
IT IS MINE AND BELONGS TO ME AND I OWN I AND WHAT IT IS, TOO.
THAT'S IT, IS IT? SPOT ON, CHRIS.
WELL, THIS THEORY OF YOURS APPEARS TO HAVE HI THE NAIL ON THE HEAD.
AND IT'S MINE.
YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR COMING ALONG TO THE STUDIO.
MY PLEASURE, CHRIS.
NEXT WEEK, BRITAIN'S IT'S BEEN A LOT OF FUN.
YES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SAYING WHA MY THEORY IS.
YES, THANK YOU.
AND WHOSE IT IS.
YES, THANK YOU, THAT'S ALL.
I HAVE ANOTHER THEORY YES CALLED MY SECOND THEORY OR MY THEORY NUMBER TWO WHICH I COULD EXPOUND WITHOUT DOUBT.
THIS SECOND THEORY YES? WHICH WITH THE ONE THAT I HAVE SAID I'M TRYING WHICH ARE MINE AND WHICH BELONG TO ME NINE AND HALF, WIDE FITTING.
GOES LIKE THIS.
BALLEYS OF BOND STREET.
WHAT? NO, SORT OF BROGUE.
THIS IS WHAT IT IS.
EIGHT AND A HALF.
THIS IS IT.
MY SECOND THEORY EXCUSE ME! HELLO, YES, YES? PROMISES YOU THAT THE RAGING CHOLERA EPIDEMIC THE FIRE BRIGADE ARE HERE! THEY'RE COMING! HELLO? NO, NO, I THINK THEY'RE ALL PART OF THE BRITISH SHOE CORPORATION NOW.
CHRIS, THIS OTHER THEORY OF MINE THE SECOND THEORY MY SECOND THEORY STATES THAT FIRE BRIGADE CHOIRS SELDOM SING SONGS ABOUT MARCEL PROUST.
START AGAIN.