Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e07 Episode Script
Salad Days
AND NOW IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES.
THE ADVENTURES OF BIGGLES.
"BIGGLES DICTATES A LETTER.
" MISS BLADDER, TAKE A LETTER.
YES, SENOR BIGGLES.
DON'T CALL ME "SENOR"! OR GROUP CAPTAIN BIGGLES OR MARY BIGGLES IF I'M DRESSED AS MY WIFE BUT NEVER SENOR! SORRY.
I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO SPAIN.
YOU WENT TO IBIZA LAST YEAR.
THAT'S STILL NO GROUNDS FOR CALLING ME SENOR OR "DON BEEG-LES," FOR THAT MATTER.
RIGHT.
DEAR KING HAAKON "OF NORWAY," IS THAT? JUST PUT DOWN WHAT I SAY.
DO I PUT THAT DOWN? COURSE YOU DON'T PUT THAT DOWN! WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT? LOOK! DON'T PUT THAT DOWN.
JUST PUT DOWN WAIT A MO, WAIT A MO.
NOW, WHEN I'VE GO THESE ANTLERS ON WHEN I'VE GO THESE ANTLERS ON I AM DICTATING AND WHEN I TAKE THEM OFF, I'M NOT DICTATING.
"I'M NOT DICTATING.
" WHAT? READ THAT BACK.
"DEAR KING HAAKON, I'M NOT DICTATING.
WHAT?" NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU LOOPY BROTHEL INMATE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
I'M NOT A COURTESAN.
OH, OH, COURTESAN OH, AREN'T WE GRAND? HARLOT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US, EH? PARAMOUR, CONCUBINE, FILLE DE JOIE THAT'S WHA WE ARE NOT.
WELL, LISTEN TO ME, MY FINE FELLOW YOU ARE A BIT OF TAIL THAT'S WHA YOU ARE.
I AM NOT, YOU DEMENTED FICTIONAL CHARACTER.
ALGY SAYS YOU ARE.
HE SAYS YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN YOU SHOULD BE.
AND HOW WOULD HE KNOW? AND JUST WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? ARE YOU CALLING MY OLD FICTIONAL COMRADE-IN-ARMS A FAIRY? FAIRY! POOF'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALGY, IS IT? HE'S GOT TO BE A BLEEDIN' FAIRY.
MINCING OLD R.
A.
F.
QUEEN.
ALGY, I HAVE TO SEE YOU.
Righto.
WHAT HO, EVERYONE.
ARE YOU GAY? I SHOULD BALLY WELL SAY SO, OLD FRUIT.
UGH! DEAR KING HAAKON OH.
DEAR KING HAAKON JUST A LINE TO THANK YOU FOR THE EELS.
MARY THOUGHT THEY WERE REALLY SCRUMMY, COMMA SO DID I, FULL STOP.
I'VE JUST HEARD THAT ALGY WAS A POOF, EXCLAMATION MARK.
WHAT WOULD CAPTAIN W.
E.
JOHNS HAVE SAID, QUESTION MARK.
SORRY TO MENCH, BUT IF YOU'VE FINISHED WITH THE LAWN EDGER COULD YOU POP I IN THE POST? LOVE, BIGGLES, ALGY DECEASED, AND GINGER.
GINGER? WHAT? RHYMING SLANG GINGER BEER.
OH.
GINGER.
Hello, sweetie.
I HAVE TO SEE YOU.
YES, BIGGLES? ARE YOU A POOF? I SHOULD SAY NOT! THANK GOD FOR THAT.
GOOD LAD, STOUT FELLOW, SALT OF THE EARTH, BACKBONE OF ENGLAND.
FUNNY, HE LOOKS LIKE A POOF.
DEAR PRINCESS MARGARET HELLO.
GET BACK IN THE CUPBOARD, YOU PANTOMIMETIC ROYAL PERSON! LEMON CURRY? DEAR REAL PRINCESS MARGARE THANK YOU FOR THE EELS, FULL STOP.
THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS AND UNMISTAKABLY REGAL, FULL STOP.
SORRY TO MENCH, BUT IF YOU'VE FINISHED WITH THE HAIRDRYER COULD YOU POP IT IN THE POST? YOURS FICTIONALLY, BIGGLES.
OH, P.
S SEE YOU AT THE SAXE- COBURGS' CANASTA EVENING.
THAT SHOULD PUZZLE HER.
SI, SENOR BEEG-LES.
SILENCE, NAUGHTY LADY OF THE NIGHT! NEXT WEEK, PART TWO: "BIGGLES FLIES UNDONE.
" UGH! MEANWHILE, NOT VERY FAR AWAY CLIMBING THE WORLD'S LONELIEST SPOR WHERE HARDSHIP AND PHILOSOPHY GO HAND IN GLOVE.
AND HERE, ANOTHER BRITISH EXPEDITION ATTEMPTING TO BE THE FIRST MAN TO SUCCESSFULLY CLIMB THE NORTH FACE OF THE UXBRIDGE ROAD.
THIS FOUR-MAN ROPE HAS BEEN CLIMBING TREMENDOUSLY.
BBC CAMERAS WERE THERE TO FILM EVERY INCH.
THE MAJOR ASSAULT ON THE UXBRIDGE ROAD HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS REALLY EVER SINCE THEY ESTABLISHED BASE CAMP HERE AT THE JUNCTION OF WILLESDEN ROAD.
FROM THERE THEY CLIMBED STEADILY TO ESTABLISH CAMP TWO OUTSIDE LEWIS'S, AND IT'S TAKEN THEM ANOTHER THREE DAYS TO ESTABLISH CAMP THREE HERE OUTSIDE THE POST OFFICE.
WELL, THEY'VE SPEN A GOOD NIGHT IN THERE LAST NIGH IN PREPARATION FOR THE FINAL ASSAULT TODAY.
THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION IS 29-YEAR-OLD BERT TAGG A LOCAL HEADMASTER AND MOTHER OF THREE.
BERT, HOW'S IT GOING? IT'S A BIT GRIPPING, IS THIS, CHRIS.
I'VE GOT TO TRY AND REACH THAT BUS STOP IN AN HOUR OR SO AND I'M DOING I BY DAMN I'M DOING IT BY LAYBACK UP THIS GUTTER SO I'M KIND OF GUTTERING AND LAYING BACK AT THE SAME TIME AND PHILOSOPHIZING.
UH, BERT, SOME PEOPLE SAY THIS IS CRAZY.
AYE, WELL, THEY SAID CRIPPEN WAS CRAZY, DIDN'T THEY? WELL, CRIPPEN WAS CRAZY.
OH, WELL, THERE YOU ARE, THEN.
EH, JOHN? I'M SENDING YOU DOWN THIS CARABINER ON WHITE.
LEMON CURRY? NOW, YOU SEE, HE'S PUTTING IN A PEG DOWN THERE BECAUSE I'M QUITE A WAY UP NOW AND IF I COME UNSTUCK HERE I GO DOWN QUITE A LONG WAY.
SUCH QUIET COURAGE IS TYPICAL OF THE WAY THESE BRAVE CHAPS SHRUG OFF DANGER.
LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE THE SKILL THAT GOES INTO IT.
OH, IT'S TERRIBLE UP ON DECK.
UP ON DECK? YEAH, ON DECK IT'S DIABOLICAL WEATHER.
UH, WHAT DECK, DEAR? THE DECK THE DECK OF THE LIFEBOAT.
THIS ISN'T A LIFEBOAT, DEAR.
THIS IS 24 PARKER STREET.
THIS IS THE NEWHAVEN LIFEBOAT.
NO, IT'S NOT, DEAR.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THIS ISN' A LIFEBOAT AT ALL.
NO, I WOULDN'T LIVE HERE IF IT WAS.
DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND COLLECT MY WITS? NO, YOU DO THAT.
I'LL MAKE A NICE CUP OF TEA.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
OOH, IT'S A WILD NIGHT UP TOP.
YOUR TURN ON DECK SOON, CHARLIE.
IT'S NOT A LIFEBOAT, FRANK.
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT'S NO A LIFEBOAT; IT'S THIS LADY'S HOUSE.
CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN, AHOY THERE! AHOY THERE! AHOY THERE! AHOY THERE! CAPTAIN! WHO'S THAT SHOUTING? THERE'S A MAN OUTSIDE NUMBER 24.
TRY IT ON THE FIVE-INCH, GLADYS.
I CANT, I'VE GOT THAT FIXED ON THE BAILEYS AT NUMBER 13.
THEIR NEW LODGER MOVES IN TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, HOLD 13 ON THE FIVE-INCH AND TRANSFER THE CARTWRIGHTS TO THE DIGITAL SCANNER.
OH, OKAY.
HOLD ON! MRS.
PETTIGREW'S COMING BACK FROM THE DOCTOR'S.
OOH, BRING HER UP ON TWO.
WHAT'S THE DURATION RATING ON THE OSCILLATOR? 48.
47.
WELL, THAT'S A LONG TIME FOR SOMEONE WHO'S JUS HAD A ROUTINE CHECKUP.
YES, HER PULSE RATE'S 146.
OOH, ZOOM IN ON THE 16-MIL AND HOLD HER, ENID.
ROGER, GLADYS.
I'LL TRY AND GET HER ON THE 12-INCH.
MOVE THE CURTAIN, ENID.
THANK YOU, LOVE.
YES, IT'S ONE OF THOSE SELF-RIGHTING MODELS.
NEWHAVEN WAS ABOU THE FIRST PLACE IN THE COUNTRY TO GET ONE.
WHAT'S THE DISPLACEMEN ON ONE OF THEM JOBS, THEN? OH, ABOU 140, 150 WHO'S FOR FRUIT CAKE? OH, YES, PLEASE.
YES? RIGHT, MACAROONS THAT'S TWO DOZEN FRUIT CAKES, HALF A DOZEN MACAROONS.
WON'T BE A JIFFY, THEN.
YOO-HOO! MRS.
EDWARDS! HELLO.
HELLO, LOVE.
I WANT TWO DOZEN FRUIT CAKES AND HALF A DOZEN MACAROONS.
OH, SORRY, LOVE, NO MACAROONS.
HOW ABOUT A NICE VANILLA SPONGE? YES, THAT'D BE LOVELY.
RIGHTO.
OOH, THERE'S THA NICE HERRING TRAWLER COME FOR THEIR KUP KAKES EXCUSE ME.
RIGHTO.
HELLO! CAPTAIN SMITH! HELLO! KUP KAKES TO STARBOARD! COMING! HEAD OUT THERE! IF YOU WANT I'LL GET YOUR THINGS.
OH, YES, THROW 'EM IN.
I'LL PAY YOU AT THE END OF THE WEEK, THEN, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, RIGHTO.
ALL RIGHT.
OOH, IT'S THE ARK ROYAL, DORIS! HAVE YOU GOT THEIR ROCK BUNS READY? HANG ON! HERE WE ARE, FIVE FOR THEM AND FIVE FOR H.
M.
S.
EAGLE.
RIGHTO.
YES? H.
M.
S.
DEFIANT, TWO SET TEAS, PLEASE.
TWO SET TEAS, DORIS.
THAT'LL BE 48 PENCE.
HERE WE ARE, THANK YOU.
BY THE WAY, DO YOU DO LUNCHES? NO, MORNING COFFEES AND TEAS ONLY.
RIGHTO, DEAR.
GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF STORAGE JARS.
ON TONIGHT'S PROGRAM MIKOS ANTONIARKIS, THE GREEK REBEL LEADER WHO SEIZED POWER IN ATHENS THIS MORNING TELLS US WHAT HE KEEPS IN STORAGE JARS.
FROM STRIFE-TORN BOLIVIA RONALD RODGERS REPORTS ON STORAGE JARS THERE.
AND CLOSER TO HOME THE FIRST DRAMATIC PICTURES OF THE MASS JAILBREAK NEAR THE STORAGE JAR FACTORY IN MAIDENHEAD.
ALL THIS AND MORE IN STORAGE JARS.
THIS IS LA PAZ, BOLIVIA.
BEHIND ME, YOU CAN HEAR THE THUD OF MORTAR AND THE HIGH-PITCHED WHINE OF ROCKETS AS THE BATTLE FOR CONTROL OF THIS VOLATILE REPUBLIC SHAKES THE FOUNDATIONS OF THIS OLD CITY.
BUT WHATEVER THEIR POLITICAL INCLINATIONS THESE BOLIVIANS ARE ALL KEEN USERS OF STORAGE JARS.
HERE THE LARGEST SIZE IS USED FOR RICE AND FOR MANGOS A BIG LOCAL CROP.
AND UNLIKE MOST REVOLUTIONARY SOUTH AMERICAN STATES THEY'VE AN INTERMEDIARY SIZE IN BETWEEN THE TWO-POUND AND FIVE-POUND JARS.
THIS GIVES THIS POOR-BUT-PROUD PEOPLE A USEFUL JAR FOR APRICOTS, PLUMS AND STOCK CUBES.
THE SMALLEST JAR, THIS LITTLE TWO-OUNCE JAR FOR SWEETS, CHOCOLATES AND EVEN LITTLE SHALLOTS.
NO LONGER USED IN THE WES IT REMAINS HERE AS AN UNSPOKEN MONUMENT TO THE DAYS WHEN LA PAZ KNEW BETTER TIMES.
RONALD RODGERS, STORAGE JARS, LA PAZ.
IN LONDON, THE PRIME MINISTER MET OFFICIALS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF THE ENVIRONMENT TO DISCUSS A CASSETTE TAPE RECORDER IS TO REPLACE THE SALON QUARTETS AND TRIOS WHICH HAVE PLAYED BESIDE THE POTTED PALMS OF MANCHESTER HAS CAUSED A SWITCH TO TAPED MUSIC WHICH WILL BE RELAYED OVER A NEW PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM REPLACING ONE WHICH RELAYED BOTH MUSIC AND THE STOCK MARKET PRICES HIT RECORD LEVELS ON THE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR.
THE FINANCIAL TIMES INDEX ROSE 3.
7 POINTS TO 476.
5 BUT THE BBC HAS REPORTED THAT RADIO FREE SOLENT, A PIRATE STATION WAS MARKING THE FIRS BIRTHDAY OF THE HENRY! TURN THAT TELEVISION OFF! YOU KNOW IT'S BAD FOR YOUR EYES! AH, THAT'S BETTER.
HENRY, WILL YOU STOP SITTING AROUND? YES, DEAR.
THERE'S AN ENTIRE TV STUDIO WAITING AROUND FOR YOU TO DO THE NEXT LINK! AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT THAT DONE I'VE GONE SOME MORE WORK FOR YOU! YES, DEAR.
HENRY, DO YOU HEAR ME? HENRY! HENRY, GET A MOVE ON! NOW, YOU SOD! THAT'S BETTER.
HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO! HELLO, I'M THE GOOD FAIRY FROM PROGRAM CONTROL WHERE WE'RE ALL GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WORK ON THIS LINK SO MUCH SO THAT I'M HERE TO RELEASE YOU FROM THE EVIL SPELL YOU'VE BEEN UNDER.
HUH? HMM, WELL, IT DOESN' ALWAYS WORK THE FIRST TIME.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NO, NO NEED TO.
YOU SEE, IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR PROGRAM CONTROL.
HELLO, THE SHOW SO FAR WELL, IT ALL STARTED WITH THE ORGANIST LOSING HIS CLOTHES AS HE SAT DOWN AT THE ORGAN AND AFTER THIS HAD HAPPENED, UH AND WE HAD SEEN THE TITLES OF THE SHOW, WE WE SAW BIGGLES DICTATING A LETTER TO HIS SECRETARY WHO THOUGHT HE WAS SPANISH AND WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS A "HARLOT" AND A "WOMAN OF THE NIGHT" ALTHOUGH SHE PREFERRED TO BE CALLED A "COURTESAN.
" UH, THEN WE SAW SOME PEOPLE TRYING TO CLIMB A ROAD IN UXBRIDGE AND THEN THERE WERE SOME CARTOONS AND AND THEN SOME LIFEBOAT MEN CAME INTO A WOMAN'S SITTING ROOM AND, UH, AFTER A BI THE WOMAN WENT OUT TO BUY SOME, UH, CAKES ON A LIFEBOAT.
AND THEN, UH, A N A NAVAL OFFICER JUMPED INTO THE SEA.
UH, THEN WE SAW A MAN TELLING US ABOUT STORAGE JARS FROM BOLIVIA AND THEN THERE WERE SOME MORE CARTOONS.
AND THEN A A MAN TOLD US ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW SO FAR AND A GREAT HAMMER CAME AND HIT HIM ON THE HEAD.
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
LEMON CURRY? GOOD MORNING, SIR.
GOOD MORNING.
UM I WAS SITTING IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY IN THURMOND STREET JUST NOW SKIMMING THROUGH ROGUE HERRIES BY HORACE WALPOLE WHEN I, UM, SUDDENLY CAME OVER ALL PECKISH.
PECKISH, SIR? ESURIENT.
EH? EEE, I WERE ALL HUNGRY, LIKE.
OH, HUNGRY.
IN A NUTSHELL.
SO I THOUGHT TO MYSELF A LITTLE FERMENTED CURD WOULD DO THE TRICK SO I CURTAILED MY WALPOLLING ACTIVITIES, SALLIED FORTH AND INFILTRATED YOUR PLACE OF PURVEYANCE TO NEGOTIATE THE VENDING OF SOME CHEESY COMESTIBLES.
COME AGAIN? I WANT TO BUY SOME CHEESE! AH I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MUSIC.
OH, HEAVEN FORBID.
I AM ONE WHO DELIGHTS IN ALL MANIFESTATIONS OF THE TERPSICHOREAN MUSE.
SORRY.
I LIKE A NICE DANCE YOU'RE FORCED TO.
ANYWAY.
WHO SAID THAT? NOW, MY GOOD MAN, SOME CHEESE, PLEASE.
YES, CERTAINLY, SIR.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? WELL, UH, HOW ABOU A LITTLE RED LEICESTER? I'M AFRAID WE'RE FRESH OU OF RED LEICESTER, SIR.
NEVER MIND.
HOW ARE YOU ON TILSIT? NEVER AT THE END OF THE WEEK, SIR.
ALWAYS GET IT FRESH FIRST THING ON MONDAY.
TISH, TISH.
NO MATTER, UM WELL, FOUR OUNCES OF CAERPHILLY, THEN, IF YOU PLEASE STOUT YEOMAN.
AH, WELL, IT'S BEEN ON ORDER FOR TWO WEEKS, SIR.
I WAS EXPECTING I THIS MORNING.
YES, IT'S NO MY DAY, IS IT? UH, BEL PAESE? SORRY.
RED WINDSOR? UH, NORMALLY, SIR, YES BUT TODAY THE VAN BROKE DOWN.
AH UH, STILTON? SORRY.
GRUYERE, EMMENTAL? NO.
ANY NORWEGIAN JARLSBERGER? NO.
LIPTAUER? NO.
LANCASHIRE? NO.
WHITE STILTON? NO.
DANISH BLUE? NO.
DOUBLE GLOUCESTER? NO.
CHESHIRE? NO.
ANY DORSET BLUE VINNEY? NO.
BRIE, ROQUEFOR PONT-L'EVEQUE, PORT SALUT, SAVOYARD SAINT-PAULIN, CARRE-DE-L'ES BOURSIN, BRESSE-BLEUE, PERLE DE CHAMPAGNE CAMEMBERT? AH! WE DO HAVE SOME CAMEMBERT.
YOU DO.
EXCELLENT.
IT'S A BIT RUNNY, SIR.
OH, I I LIKE IT RUNNY.
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S IT'S VERY RUNNY, SIR.
NO MATTER, NO MATTER HAND OVER LE FROMAGE DE LA BELLE FRANCE QUI S'APPELLE CAMEMBER S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
I THINK IT'S RUNNIER THAN YOU LIKE IT, SIR.
I DON'T CARE HOW EXCREMENTALLY RUNNY IT IS; HAND IT OVER WITH ALL SPEED.
YES, SIR.
OH WHAT? THE CAT'S EATEN IT.
HAS HE? SHE, SIR.
GOUDA? NO.
EDAM? NO.
CAITHNESS? NO.
SMOKED AUSTRIAN? NO.
SAGE DERBY? NO, SIR.
YOU DO HAVE SOME CHEESE, DO YOU? CERTAINLY, SIR IT'S A CHEESE SHOP, SIR.
WE'VE GOT NO, NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME.
I'M KEEN TO GUESS.
FAIR ENOUGH.
WENSLEYDALE? YES, SIR.
SPLENDID.
WELL, I'LL HAVE SOME OF THAT THEN, PLEASE.
OH, I'M SORRY, SIR I THOUGHT YOU WERE REFERRING TO ME MR.
WENSLEYDALE.
GORGONZOLA? NO.
PARMESAN? NO.
MOZZARELLA? NO.
PIPPO CREME? NO.
ANY DANISH FIMBOE? NO.
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN SHEEP'S MILK CHEESE? NO.
VENEZUELAN BEAVER CHEESE? NOT TODAY, SIR, NO.
WELL, LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE.
HOW ABOUT CHEDDAR? WELL, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T GET MUCH CALL FOR I AROUND THESE PARTS, SIR.
MUCH CALL?! IT'S THE MOS POPULAR CHEESE IN THE WORLD! NOT ROUND THESE PARTS, SIR.
AND PRAY, WHAT IS THE MOST POPULAR CHEESE ROUND THESE PARTS? ILCHESTER, SIR.
I SEE.
YES, SIR, IT'S QUITE STAGGERINGLY POPULAR IN THE MANOR, SQUIRE.
IS IT? OUR NUMBER-ONE SELLER.
IS IT? YES, SIR.
ILCHESTER, EH? RIGHT.
OKAY, I'M GAME.
"HAVE YOU GOT ANY?" HE ASKED EXPECTING THE ANSWER "NO.
" I'LL HAVE A LOOK, SIR.
N NO.
IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHEESE SHOP, REALLY, IS IT? FINEST IN THE DISTRICT, SIR.
AND WHAT LEADS YOU TO THAT CONCLUSION? WELL, IT'S SO CLEAN.
WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY UNCONTAMINATED BY CHEESE.
YOU HAVEN'T ASKED ME ABOUT LIMBURGER, SIR.
IS IT WORTH IT? COULD BE.
OKAY, HAVE YOU WILL YOU SHU THAT BLOODY DANCING UP?! I TOLD YOU SO.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY LIMBURGER? NO.
NO THAT FIGURES.
IT WAS PRETTY PREDICTABLE, REALLY.
IT WAS AN ACT OF PURE OPTIMISM TO HAVE POSED THE QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.
TELL ME SOMETHING DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE AT ALL? YES, SIR.
NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU THAT QUESTION ONCE MORE AND IF YOU SAY "NO" I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU THROUGH THE HEAD.
NOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE AT ALL? NO.
WHAT A SENSELESS WASTE OF HUMAN LIFE.
HUGH WALPOLE'S ROGUE CHEDDAR ONE OF THE FIRS OF THE CHEESE WESTERNS TO BE LATER FOLLOWED BY GUNFIGHTAT GRUYERE CORRAL ILCHESTER '73 AND THE CHEESE WHO SHO LIBERTY VALANCE.
WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT OF WESTERNS I WANT TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT ONE OF MY FAVORITE FILM DIRECTORS SAM PECKINPAH, THE EXPATRIATE FROM FRESNO, CALIFORNIA.
IN HIS EARLIEST FILMS, MAJOR DUNDEE THE WILD BUNCH AND STRAW DOGS HE SHOWED HIS PREDILECTION FOR THE UTTERLY TRUTHFUL AND VERY SEXUALLY AROUSING PORTRAYAL OF VIOLENCE IN ITS STARKEST FORM.
IN HIS LATEST FILM PECKINPAH HAS MOVED INTO THE CALMER AND MORE LYRICAL WATERS OF JULIAN SLADE'S SALAD DA YS.
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
HELLO, LIONEL.
I SAY, WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER DAY.
GOSH, YES.
IT'S SO YOU KNOW, SUNNY.
YES, ISN'T IT? I SAY, ANYONE FOR TENNIS? OH, SUPER! WHAT FUN! I SAY, LIONEL, CATCH.
OH, CRIKEY! PRETTY STRONG MEAT THERE FROM SAM PECKINPAH.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO DENY THE LAST APOLOGY.
IT IS VERY HAPPY AT HOME AND BBC 2 IS BOUND TO GO THROUGH THIS PHASE.
SO FROM ALL OF US HERE, GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP WELL AND HAVE AN ABSOLUTELY SUPER DAY TOMORROW.
KISS, KISS.
WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT AN EXPLOSION IN THE KITCHENS OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS HAS RESULTED IN THE BREAKAGE OF 17 STORAGE JARS.
POLICE HAVE RULED OUT FOUL PLAY.
LEMON CURRY? UM, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE, UH THE, UH PAUSE ONLY I'M AFRAID THE SHOW IS A COUPLE OF MINUTES SHOR THIS WEEK.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE SHOW'S AREN'T REALLY QUITE AS, UH AS LONG AS THEY OUGHT TO BE.
BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT? UM, LOOK, THERE'S NOT REALLY A A GREAT DEAL OF POIN IN YOUR SORT OF HANGING ON AT YOUR END BECAUSE I'M AFRAID THERE AREN' ANY MORE JOKES OR ANYTHING.
THE ADVENTURES OF BIGGLES.
"BIGGLES DICTATES A LETTER.
" MISS BLADDER, TAKE A LETTER.
YES, SENOR BIGGLES.
DON'T CALL ME "SENOR"! OR GROUP CAPTAIN BIGGLES OR MARY BIGGLES IF I'M DRESSED AS MY WIFE BUT NEVER SENOR! SORRY.
I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO SPAIN.
YOU WENT TO IBIZA LAST YEAR.
THAT'S STILL NO GROUNDS FOR CALLING ME SENOR OR "DON BEEG-LES," FOR THAT MATTER.
RIGHT.
DEAR KING HAAKON "OF NORWAY," IS THAT? JUST PUT DOWN WHAT I SAY.
DO I PUT THAT DOWN? COURSE YOU DON'T PUT THAT DOWN! WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT? LOOK! DON'T PUT THAT DOWN.
JUST PUT DOWN WAIT A MO, WAIT A MO.
NOW, WHEN I'VE GO THESE ANTLERS ON WHEN I'VE GO THESE ANTLERS ON I AM DICTATING AND WHEN I TAKE THEM OFF, I'M NOT DICTATING.
"I'M NOT DICTATING.
" WHAT? READ THAT BACK.
"DEAR KING HAAKON, I'M NOT DICTATING.
WHAT?" NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU LOOPY BROTHEL INMATE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
I'M NOT A COURTESAN.
OH, OH, COURTESAN OH, AREN'T WE GRAND? HARLOT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US, EH? PARAMOUR, CONCUBINE, FILLE DE JOIE THAT'S WHA WE ARE NOT.
WELL, LISTEN TO ME, MY FINE FELLOW YOU ARE A BIT OF TAIL THAT'S WHA YOU ARE.
I AM NOT, YOU DEMENTED FICTIONAL CHARACTER.
ALGY SAYS YOU ARE.
HE SAYS YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN YOU SHOULD BE.
AND HOW WOULD HE KNOW? AND JUST WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? ARE YOU CALLING MY OLD FICTIONAL COMRADE-IN-ARMS A FAIRY? FAIRY! POOF'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALGY, IS IT? HE'S GOT TO BE A BLEEDIN' FAIRY.
MINCING OLD R.
A.
F.
QUEEN.
ALGY, I HAVE TO SEE YOU.
Righto.
WHAT HO, EVERYONE.
ARE YOU GAY? I SHOULD BALLY WELL SAY SO, OLD FRUIT.
UGH! DEAR KING HAAKON OH.
DEAR KING HAAKON JUST A LINE TO THANK YOU FOR THE EELS.
MARY THOUGHT THEY WERE REALLY SCRUMMY, COMMA SO DID I, FULL STOP.
I'VE JUST HEARD THAT ALGY WAS A POOF, EXCLAMATION MARK.
WHAT WOULD CAPTAIN W.
E.
JOHNS HAVE SAID, QUESTION MARK.
SORRY TO MENCH, BUT IF YOU'VE FINISHED WITH THE LAWN EDGER COULD YOU POP I IN THE POST? LOVE, BIGGLES, ALGY DECEASED, AND GINGER.
GINGER? WHAT? RHYMING SLANG GINGER BEER.
OH.
GINGER.
Hello, sweetie.
I HAVE TO SEE YOU.
YES, BIGGLES? ARE YOU A POOF? I SHOULD SAY NOT! THANK GOD FOR THAT.
GOOD LAD, STOUT FELLOW, SALT OF THE EARTH, BACKBONE OF ENGLAND.
FUNNY, HE LOOKS LIKE A POOF.
DEAR PRINCESS MARGARET HELLO.
GET BACK IN THE CUPBOARD, YOU PANTOMIMETIC ROYAL PERSON! LEMON CURRY? DEAR REAL PRINCESS MARGARE THANK YOU FOR THE EELS, FULL STOP.
THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS AND UNMISTAKABLY REGAL, FULL STOP.
SORRY TO MENCH, BUT IF YOU'VE FINISHED WITH THE HAIRDRYER COULD YOU POP IT IN THE POST? YOURS FICTIONALLY, BIGGLES.
OH, P.
S SEE YOU AT THE SAXE- COBURGS' CANASTA EVENING.
THAT SHOULD PUZZLE HER.
SI, SENOR BEEG-LES.
SILENCE, NAUGHTY LADY OF THE NIGHT! NEXT WEEK, PART TWO: "BIGGLES FLIES UNDONE.
" UGH! MEANWHILE, NOT VERY FAR AWAY CLIMBING THE WORLD'S LONELIEST SPOR WHERE HARDSHIP AND PHILOSOPHY GO HAND IN GLOVE.
AND HERE, ANOTHER BRITISH EXPEDITION ATTEMPTING TO BE THE FIRST MAN TO SUCCESSFULLY CLIMB THE NORTH FACE OF THE UXBRIDGE ROAD.
THIS FOUR-MAN ROPE HAS BEEN CLIMBING TREMENDOUSLY.
BBC CAMERAS WERE THERE TO FILM EVERY INCH.
THE MAJOR ASSAULT ON THE UXBRIDGE ROAD HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS REALLY EVER SINCE THEY ESTABLISHED BASE CAMP HERE AT THE JUNCTION OF WILLESDEN ROAD.
FROM THERE THEY CLIMBED STEADILY TO ESTABLISH CAMP TWO OUTSIDE LEWIS'S, AND IT'S TAKEN THEM ANOTHER THREE DAYS TO ESTABLISH CAMP THREE HERE OUTSIDE THE POST OFFICE.
WELL, THEY'VE SPEN A GOOD NIGHT IN THERE LAST NIGH IN PREPARATION FOR THE FINAL ASSAULT TODAY.
THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION IS 29-YEAR-OLD BERT TAGG A LOCAL HEADMASTER AND MOTHER OF THREE.
BERT, HOW'S IT GOING? IT'S A BIT GRIPPING, IS THIS, CHRIS.
I'VE GOT TO TRY AND REACH THAT BUS STOP IN AN HOUR OR SO AND I'M DOING I BY DAMN I'M DOING IT BY LAYBACK UP THIS GUTTER SO I'M KIND OF GUTTERING AND LAYING BACK AT THE SAME TIME AND PHILOSOPHIZING.
UH, BERT, SOME PEOPLE SAY THIS IS CRAZY.
AYE, WELL, THEY SAID CRIPPEN WAS CRAZY, DIDN'T THEY? WELL, CRIPPEN WAS CRAZY.
OH, WELL, THERE YOU ARE, THEN.
EH, JOHN? I'M SENDING YOU DOWN THIS CARABINER ON WHITE.
LEMON CURRY? NOW, YOU SEE, HE'S PUTTING IN A PEG DOWN THERE BECAUSE I'M QUITE A WAY UP NOW AND IF I COME UNSTUCK HERE I GO DOWN QUITE A LONG WAY.
SUCH QUIET COURAGE IS TYPICAL OF THE WAY THESE BRAVE CHAPS SHRUG OFF DANGER.
LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE THE SKILL THAT GOES INTO IT.
OH, IT'S TERRIBLE UP ON DECK.
UP ON DECK? YEAH, ON DECK IT'S DIABOLICAL WEATHER.
UH, WHAT DECK, DEAR? THE DECK THE DECK OF THE LIFEBOAT.
THIS ISN'T A LIFEBOAT, DEAR.
THIS IS 24 PARKER STREET.
THIS IS THE NEWHAVEN LIFEBOAT.
NO, IT'S NOT, DEAR.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THIS ISN' A LIFEBOAT AT ALL.
NO, I WOULDN'T LIVE HERE IF IT WAS.
DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND COLLECT MY WITS? NO, YOU DO THAT.
I'LL MAKE A NICE CUP OF TEA.
THANKS VERY MUCH.
OOH, IT'S A WILD NIGHT UP TOP.
YOUR TURN ON DECK SOON, CHARLIE.
IT'S NOT A LIFEBOAT, FRANK.
WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? IT'S NO A LIFEBOAT; IT'S THIS LADY'S HOUSE.
CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN, AHOY THERE! AHOY THERE! AHOY THERE! AHOY THERE! CAPTAIN! WHO'S THAT SHOUTING? THERE'S A MAN OUTSIDE NUMBER 24.
TRY IT ON THE FIVE-INCH, GLADYS.
I CANT, I'VE GOT THAT FIXED ON THE BAILEYS AT NUMBER 13.
THEIR NEW LODGER MOVES IN TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, HOLD 13 ON THE FIVE-INCH AND TRANSFER THE CARTWRIGHTS TO THE DIGITAL SCANNER.
OH, OKAY.
HOLD ON! MRS.
PETTIGREW'S COMING BACK FROM THE DOCTOR'S.
OOH, BRING HER UP ON TWO.
WHAT'S THE DURATION RATING ON THE OSCILLATOR? 48.
47.
WELL, THAT'S A LONG TIME FOR SOMEONE WHO'S JUS HAD A ROUTINE CHECKUP.
YES, HER PULSE RATE'S 146.
OOH, ZOOM IN ON THE 16-MIL AND HOLD HER, ENID.
ROGER, GLADYS.
I'LL TRY AND GET HER ON THE 12-INCH.
MOVE THE CURTAIN, ENID.
THANK YOU, LOVE.
YES, IT'S ONE OF THOSE SELF-RIGHTING MODELS.
NEWHAVEN WAS ABOU THE FIRST PLACE IN THE COUNTRY TO GET ONE.
WHAT'S THE DISPLACEMEN ON ONE OF THEM JOBS, THEN? OH, ABOU 140, 150 WHO'S FOR FRUIT CAKE? OH, YES, PLEASE.
YES? RIGHT, MACAROONS THAT'S TWO DOZEN FRUIT CAKES, HALF A DOZEN MACAROONS.
WON'T BE A JIFFY, THEN.
YOO-HOO! MRS.
EDWARDS! HELLO.
HELLO, LOVE.
I WANT TWO DOZEN FRUIT CAKES AND HALF A DOZEN MACAROONS.
OH, SORRY, LOVE, NO MACAROONS.
HOW ABOUT A NICE VANILLA SPONGE? YES, THAT'D BE LOVELY.
RIGHTO.
OOH, THERE'S THA NICE HERRING TRAWLER COME FOR THEIR KUP KAKES EXCUSE ME.
RIGHTO.
HELLO! CAPTAIN SMITH! HELLO! KUP KAKES TO STARBOARD! COMING! HEAD OUT THERE! IF YOU WANT I'LL GET YOUR THINGS.
OH, YES, THROW 'EM IN.
I'LL PAY YOU AT THE END OF THE WEEK, THEN, ALL RIGHT? OKAY, RIGHTO.
ALL RIGHT.
OOH, IT'S THE ARK ROYAL, DORIS! HAVE YOU GOT THEIR ROCK BUNS READY? HANG ON! HERE WE ARE, FIVE FOR THEM AND FIVE FOR H.
M.
S.
EAGLE.
RIGHTO.
YES? H.
M.
S.
DEFIANT, TWO SET TEAS, PLEASE.
TWO SET TEAS, DORIS.
THAT'LL BE 48 PENCE.
HERE WE ARE, THANK YOU.
BY THE WAY, DO YOU DO LUNCHES? NO, MORNING COFFEES AND TEAS ONLY.
RIGHTO, DEAR.
GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF STORAGE JARS.
ON TONIGHT'S PROGRAM MIKOS ANTONIARKIS, THE GREEK REBEL LEADER WHO SEIZED POWER IN ATHENS THIS MORNING TELLS US WHAT HE KEEPS IN STORAGE JARS.
FROM STRIFE-TORN BOLIVIA RONALD RODGERS REPORTS ON STORAGE JARS THERE.
AND CLOSER TO HOME THE FIRST DRAMATIC PICTURES OF THE MASS JAILBREAK NEAR THE STORAGE JAR FACTORY IN MAIDENHEAD.
ALL THIS AND MORE IN STORAGE JARS.
THIS IS LA PAZ, BOLIVIA.
BEHIND ME, YOU CAN HEAR THE THUD OF MORTAR AND THE HIGH-PITCHED WHINE OF ROCKETS AS THE BATTLE FOR CONTROL OF THIS VOLATILE REPUBLIC SHAKES THE FOUNDATIONS OF THIS OLD CITY.
BUT WHATEVER THEIR POLITICAL INCLINATIONS THESE BOLIVIANS ARE ALL KEEN USERS OF STORAGE JARS.
HERE THE LARGEST SIZE IS USED FOR RICE AND FOR MANGOS A BIG LOCAL CROP.
AND UNLIKE MOST REVOLUTIONARY SOUTH AMERICAN STATES THEY'VE AN INTERMEDIARY SIZE IN BETWEEN THE TWO-POUND AND FIVE-POUND JARS.
THIS GIVES THIS POOR-BUT-PROUD PEOPLE A USEFUL JAR FOR APRICOTS, PLUMS AND STOCK CUBES.
THE SMALLEST JAR, THIS LITTLE TWO-OUNCE JAR FOR SWEETS, CHOCOLATES AND EVEN LITTLE SHALLOTS.
NO LONGER USED IN THE WES IT REMAINS HERE AS AN UNSPOKEN MONUMENT TO THE DAYS WHEN LA PAZ KNEW BETTER TIMES.
RONALD RODGERS, STORAGE JARS, LA PAZ.
IN LONDON, THE PRIME MINISTER MET OFFICIALS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF THE ENVIRONMENT TO DISCUSS A CASSETTE TAPE RECORDER IS TO REPLACE THE SALON QUARTETS AND TRIOS WHICH HAVE PLAYED BESIDE THE POTTED PALMS OF MANCHESTER HAS CAUSED A SWITCH TO TAPED MUSIC WHICH WILL BE RELAYED OVER A NEW PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM REPLACING ONE WHICH RELAYED BOTH MUSIC AND THE STOCK MARKET PRICES HIT RECORD LEVELS ON THE LAST DAY OF THE YEAR.
THE FINANCIAL TIMES INDEX ROSE 3.
7 POINTS TO 476.
5 BUT THE BBC HAS REPORTED THAT RADIO FREE SOLENT, A PIRATE STATION WAS MARKING THE FIRS BIRTHDAY OF THE HENRY! TURN THAT TELEVISION OFF! YOU KNOW IT'S BAD FOR YOUR EYES! AH, THAT'S BETTER.
HENRY, WILL YOU STOP SITTING AROUND? YES, DEAR.
THERE'S AN ENTIRE TV STUDIO WAITING AROUND FOR YOU TO DO THE NEXT LINK! AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT THAT DONE I'VE GONE SOME MORE WORK FOR YOU! YES, DEAR.
HENRY, DO YOU HEAR ME? HENRY! HENRY, GET A MOVE ON! NOW, YOU SOD! THAT'S BETTER.
HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO! HELLO, I'M THE GOOD FAIRY FROM PROGRAM CONTROL WHERE WE'RE ALL GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WORK ON THIS LINK SO MUCH SO THAT I'M HERE TO RELEASE YOU FROM THE EVIL SPELL YOU'VE BEEN UNDER.
HUH? HMM, WELL, IT DOESN' ALWAYS WORK THE FIRST TIME.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
NO, NO NEED TO.
YOU SEE, IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR PROGRAM CONTROL.
HELLO, THE SHOW SO FAR WELL, IT ALL STARTED WITH THE ORGANIST LOSING HIS CLOTHES AS HE SAT DOWN AT THE ORGAN AND AFTER THIS HAD HAPPENED, UH AND WE HAD SEEN THE TITLES OF THE SHOW, WE WE SAW BIGGLES DICTATING A LETTER TO HIS SECRETARY WHO THOUGHT HE WAS SPANISH AND WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS A "HARLOT" AND A "WOMAN OF THE NIGHT" ALTHOUGH SHE PREFERRED TO BE CALLED A "COURTESAN.
" UH, THEN WE SAW SOME PEOPLE TRYING TO CLIMB A ROAD IN UXBRIDGE AND THEN THERE WERE SOME CARTOONS AND AND THEN SOME LIFEBOAT MEN CAME INTO A WOMAN'S SITTING ROOM AND, UH, AFTER A BI THE WOMAN WENT OUT TO BUY SOME, UH, CAKES ON A LIFEBOAT.
AND THEN, UH, A N A NAVAL OFFICER JUMPED INTO THE SEA.
UH, THEN WE SAW A MAN TELLING US ABOUT STORAGE JARS FROM BOLIVIA AND THEN THERE WERE SOME MORE CARTOONS.
AND THEN A A MAN TOLD US ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW SO FAR AND A GREAT HAMMER CAME AND HIT HIM ON THE HEAD.
I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.
LEMON CURRY? GOOD MORNING, SIR.
GOOD MORNING.
UM I WAS SITTING IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY IN THURMOND STREET JUST NOW SKIMMING THROUGH ROGUE HERRIES BY HORACE WALPOLE WHEN I, UM, SUDDENLY CAME OVER ALL PECKISH.
PECKISH, SIR? ESURIENT.
EH? EEE, I WERE ALL HUNGRY, LIKE.
OH, HUNGRY.
IN A NUTSHELL.
SO I THOUGHT TO MYSELF A LITTLE FERMENTED CURD WOULD DO THE TRICK SO I CURTAILED MY WALPOLLING ACTIVITIES, SALLIED FORTH AND INFILTRATED YOUR PLACE OF PURVEYANCE TO NEGOTIATE THE VENDING OF SOME CHEESY COMESTIBLES.
COME AGAIN? I WANT TO BUY SOME CHEESE! AH I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MUSIC.
OH, HEAVEN FORBID.
I AM ONE WHO DELIGHTS IN ALL MANIFESTATIONS OF THE TERPSICHOREAN MUSE.
SORRY.
I LIKE A NICE DANCE YOU'RE FORCED TO.
ANYWAY.
WHO SAID THAT? NOW, MY GOOD MAN, SOME CHEESE, PLEASE.
YES, CERTAINLY, SIR.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? WELL, UH, HOW ABOU A LITTLE RED LEICESTER? I'M AFRAID WE'RE FRESH OU OF RED LEICESTER, SIR.
NEVER MIND.
HOW ARE YOU ON TILSIT? NEVER AT THE END OF THE WEEK, SIR.
ALWAYS GET IT FRESH FIRST THING ON MONDAY.
TISH, TISH.
NO MATTER, UM WELL, FOUR OUNCES OF CAERPHILLY, THEN, IF YOU PLEASE STOUT YEOMAN.
AH, WELL, IT'S BEEN ON ORDER FOR TWO WEEKS, SIR.
I WAS EXPECTING I THIS MORNING.
YES, IT'S NO MY DAY, IS IT? UH, BEL PAESE? SORRY.
RED WINDSOR? UH, NORMALLY, SIR, YES BUT TODAY THE VAN BROKE DOWN.
AH UH, STILTON? SORRY.
GRUYERE, EMMENTAL? NO.
ANY NORWEGIAN JARLSBERGER? NO.
LIPTAUER? NO.
LANCASHIRE? NO.
WHITE STILTON? NO.
DANISH BLUE? NO.
DOUBLE GLOUCESTER? NO.
CHESHIRE? NO.
ANY DORSET BLUE VINNEY? NO.
BRIE, ROQUEFOR PONT-L'EVEQUE, PORT SALUT, SAVOYARD SAINT-PAULIN, CARRE-DE-L'ES BOURSIN, BRESSE-BLEUE, PERLE DE CHAMPAGNE CAMEMBERT? AH! WE DO HAVE SOME CAMEMBERT.
YOU DO.
EXCELLENT.
IT'S A BIT RUNNY, SIR.
OH, I I LIKE IT RUNNY.
WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S IT'S VERY RUNNY, SIR.
NO MATTER, NO MATTER HAND OVER LE FROMAGE DE LA BELLE FRANCE QUI S'APPELLE CAMEMBER S'IL VOUS PLAIT.
I THINK IT'S RUNNIER THAN YOU LIKE IT, SIR.
I DON'T CARE HOW EXCREMENTALLY RUNNY IT IS; HAND IT OVER WITH ALL SPEED.
YES, SIR.
OH WHAT? THE CAT'S EATEN IT.
HAS HE? SHE, SIR.
GOUDA? NO.
EDAM? NO.
CAITHNESS? NO.
SMOKED AUSTRIAN? NO.
SAGE DERBY? NO, SIR.
YOU DO HAVE SOME CHEESE, DO YOU? CERTAINLY, SIR IT'S A CHEESE SHOP, SIR.
WE'VE GOT NO, NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME.
I'M KEEN TO GUESS.
FAIR ENOUGH.
WENSLEYDALE? YES, SIR.
SPLENDID.
WELL, I'LL HAVE SOME OF THAT THEN, PLEASE.
OH, I'M SORRY, SIR I THOUGHT YOU WERE REFERRING TO ME MR.
WENSLEYDALE.
GORGONZOLA? NO.
PARMESAN? NO.
MOZZARELLA? NO.
PIPPO CREME? NO.
ANY DANISH FIMBOE? NO.
CZECHOSLOVAKIAN SHEEP'S MILK CHEESE? NO.
VENEZUELAN BEAVER CHEESE? NOT TODAY, SIR, NO.
WELL, LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE.
HOW ABOUT CHEDDAR? WELL, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T GET MUCH CALL FOR I AROUND THESE PARTS, SIR.
MUCH CALL?! IT'S THE MOS POPULAR CHEESE IN THE WORLD! NOT ROUND THESE PARTS, SIR.
AND PRAY, WHAT IS THE MOST POPULAR CHEESE ROUND THESE PARTS? ILCHESTER, SIR.
I SEE.
YES, SIR, IT'S QUITE STAGGERINGLY POPULAR IN THE MANOR, SQUIRE.
IS IT? OUR NUMBER-ONE SELLER.
IS IT? YES, SIR.
ILCHESTER, EH? RIGHT.
OKAY, I'M GAME.
"HAVE YOU GOT ANY?" HE ASKED EXPECTING THE ANSWER "NO.
" I'LL HAVE A LOOK, SIR.
N NO.
IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHEESE SHOP, REALLY, IS IT? FINEST IN THE DISTRICT, SIR.
AND WHAT LEADS YOU TO THAT CONCLUSION? WELL, IT'S SO CLEAN.
WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY UNCONTAMINATED BY CHEESE.
YOU HAVEN'T ASKED ME ABOUT LIMBURGER, SIR.
IS IT WORTH IT? COULD BE.
OKAY, HAVE YOU WILL YOU SHU THAT BLOODY DANCING UP?! I TOLD YOU SO.
HAVE YOU GOT ANY LIMBURGER? NO.
NO THAT FIGURES.
IT WAS PRETTY PREDICTABLE, REALLY.
IT WAS AN ACT OF PURE OPTIMISM TO HAVE POSED THE QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.
TELL ME SOMETHING DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE AT ALL? YES, SIR.
NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU THAT QUESTION ONCE MORE AND IF YOU SAY "NO" I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU THROUGH THE HEAD.
NOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE AT ALL? NO.
WHAT A SENSELESS WASTE OF HUMAN LIFE.
HUGH WALPOLE'S ROGUE CHEDDAR ONE OF THE FIRS OF THE CHEESE WESTERNS TO BE LATER FOLLOWED BY GUNFIGHTAT GRUYERE CORRAL ILCHESTER '73 AND THE CHEESE WHO SHO LIBERTY VALANCE.
WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT OF WESTERNS I WANT TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT ONE OF MY FAVORITE FILM DIRECTORS SAM PECKINPAH, THE EXPATRIATE FROM FRESNO, CALIFORNIA.
IN HIS EARLIEST FILMS, MAJOR DUNDEE THE WILD BUNCH AND STRAW DOGS HE SHOWED HIS PREDILECTION FOR THE UTTERLY TRUTHFUL AND VERY SEXUALLY AROUSING PORTRAYAL OF VIOLENCE IN ITS STARKEST FORM.
IN HIS LATEST FILM PECKINPAH HAS MOVED INTO THE CALMER AND MORE LYRICAL WATERS OF JULIAN SLADE'S SALAD DA YS.
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
HELLO, LIONEL.
I SAY, WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER DAY.
GOSH, YES.
IT'S SO YOU KNOW, SUNNY.
YES, ISN'T IT? I SAY, ANYONE FOR TENNIS? OH, SUPER! WHAT FUN! I SAY, LIONEL, CATCH.
OH, CRIKEY! PRETTY STRONG MEAT THERE FROM SAM PECKINPAH.
THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO DENY THE LAST APOLOGY.
IT IS VERY HAPPY AT HOME AND BBC 2 IS BOUND TO GO THROUGH THIS PHASE.
SO FROM ALL OF US HERE, GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP WELL AND HAVE AN ABSOLUTELY SUPER DAY TOMORROW.
KISS, KISS.
WE'VE JUST HEARD THAT AN EXPLOSION IN THE KITCHENS OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS HAS RESULTED IN THE BREAKAGE OF 17 STORAGE JARS.
POLICE HAVE RULED OUT FOUL PLAY.
LEMON CURRY? UM, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE, UH THE, UH PAUSE ONLY I'M AFRAID THE SHOW IS A COUPLE OF MINUTES SHOR THIS WEEK.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE SHOW'S AREN'T REALLY QUITE AS, UH AS LONG AS THEY OUGHT TO BE.
BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT? UM, LOOK, THERE'S NOT REALLY A A GREAT DEAL OF POIN IN YOUR SORT OF HANGING ON AT YOUR END BECAUSE I'M AFRAID THERE AREN' ANY MORE JOKES OR ANYTHING.