Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e11 Episode Script

Dennis Moore

BOXING TONIGHT COMES FROM THE EMPIRE POOL, WEMBLEY AND FEATURES THE MAIN HEAVYWEIGHT BOU BETWEEN JACK BODELL, BRITISH AND EMPIRE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION AND SIR KENNETH CLARK.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME THESE TWO HAVE ME SO THERE SHOULD BE SOME REAL ACTION TONIGHT.
THIS THEN IS THE HEIGH RENAISSANCE THE TRIUMPH OF CLASSICAL OVER GOTHIC HE'S DOWN.
SIR KENNETH CLARK IS DOWN IN EIGHT SECONDS.
BUT HE'S UP AGAIN, HE'S UP AT SIX.
THE ALMOST ORDERED FACADES OF PALLADIO'S VILLAS REFLECT AND HE'S DOWN AGAIN AND I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO GET UP THIS TIME.
NO, SO JACK BODELL HAS DEFEATED SIR KENNETH CLARK IN THE VERY FIRST ROUND HERE TONIGHT.
AND SO THIS BIG LINCOLNSHIRE HEAVYWEIGHT BECOMES THE NEW OXFORD PROFESSOR OF FINE ART.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
AND NOW IT'S MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSESES.
STAND AND DELIVER! DROP THAT GUN! LET THAT BE A WARNING TO YOU ALL.
YOU MOVE AT YOUR PERIL FOR I HAVE TWO PISTOLS HERE.
I KNOW ONE OF THEM ISN'T LOADED ANYMORE BUT THE OTHER ONE IS, SO THAT'S ONE OF YOU DEAD FOR SURE OR JUST ABOU FOR SURE ANYWAY.
IT CERTAINLY WOULDN'T BE WORTH YOUR WHILE RISKING I BECAUSE I'M A VERY GOOD SHOT.
I PRACTICE EVERY DAY.
WELL, NOT ABSOLUTELY EVERY DAY BUT MOST DAYS IN THE WEEK.
I EXPECT I MUST PRACTICE FOUR OR FIVE TIMES A WEEK AT LEAST AT LEAS FOUR OR FIVE ONLY SOME WEEKENDS, LIKE LAST WEEKEND THERE WASN'T MUCH TIME SO THAT BRINGS THE AVERAGE DOWN A BIT.
BUT I SHOULD SAY IT'S DEFINITELY A SOLID FOUR DAYS' PRACTICE EVERY WEEK AT LEAST.
I MEAN, I RECKON I COULD HI THAT TREE OVER THERE THE ONE BEHIND THE HILLOCK.
NOT THE BIG HILLOCK, THE LITTLE HILLOCK ON THE LEFT.
YOU CAN SEE THE THREE TREES THE THIRD FROM THE LEF AND BACK A BIT, THAT ONE I RECKON I COULD HIT THA FOUR TIMES OUT OF FIVE ON A GOOD DAY.
SAY, WITH THIS WIND, SAY SAY, SEVEN TIMES OUT OF TEN.
WHAT THAT TREE THERE? WHICH ONE? THE BIG BEECH WITH THE SOR OF BARE BRANCH COMING OU OF THE TOP LEFT.
NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE.
NO, NO, HE MEANS THE ONE OVER THERE.
LOOK, DO YOU SEE THAT ONE THERE? YES.
WELL, NOW GO TWO ALONG TO THE RIGHT.
JUST NEAR THAT LITTLE BUSH.
WELL, IT'S THE ONE JUST BEHIND IT.
AH, THE ELM! THAT'S NOT AN ELM.
AN ELM'S GOT SORT OF GREA CLUMPS OF LEAVES LIKE THAT.
THAT'S EITHER A BEECH OR A, UM A, UH A HORNBEAM.
A HORNBEAM? NO, NOT A HORNBEAM.
WHAT'S THE TREE THAT HAS A LEAF WITH SORT OF REGULAR VEINS COMING OU AND THE VEINS GO ALL THE WAY OUT TO THE SERRATED! TO THE SERRATED EDGES? A WILLOW.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S NOTHING LIKE A WILLOW.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.
I COULD HIT IT SEVEN TIMES OUT OF TEN THAT'S THE POINT.
NEVER A WILLOW.
SHUT UP! THIS IS A HOLDUP, NOT A BOTANY LESSON.
RIGHT! NOW, MY FINE FRIENDS, NO FALSE MOVES, PLEASE.
I WANT YOU TO HAND OVER ALL THE LUPINS YOU'VE GOT.
LUPINS?! YES, LUPINS, COME ON, COME ON! WHAT DO YOU MEAN LUPINS? DON'T TRY AND PLAY FOR TIME.
I'M NOT.
YOU MEAN THE FLOWER LUPINS? THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, WE HAVEN' GOT ANY LUPINS.
HONESTLY.
LOOK, MY FINE FRIENDS I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT THIS IS THE LUPIN EXPRESS.
YOU MUST BE OU OF YOUR TINY MIND.
GET OUT OF THE COACH.
COME ON, GET OUT! JUST AS I THOUGHT.
NOT CLEVER ENOUGH, MY FINE FRIENDS.
COME ON, CONCORDE.
WELL, SO MUCH FOR THE LUPINS.
HERE WE ARE, I'LL BE BACK.
MORNING, MRS.
TREPIDATIOUS.
OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT IT.
MY RIGHT ARM'S HANGING OFF SOMETHING AWFUL.
OH, YOU WANT TO HAVE THAT SEEN TO.
WHAT BY THAT DR.
MORRISON? HE'S KILLED MORE PATIENTS THAN I'VE HAD SEVERE BOILS.
WHAT DO THE STARS SAY? WELL, PETULA CLARK SAYS BURST THEM EARLY BUT DAVID FROST NO, THE STARS IN THE PAPER YOU CLOTH-EARED HEAP OF ANTEATER'S CATARRH.
THE ZODIACAL SIGNS, THE HOROSCOPIC FATES THE ASTROLOGICAL PORTENTS THE OMENS, THE GENETHLIAC PROGNOSTICATIONS THE MANTALOGICAL HARBINGERS, THE VATICINAL UTTERANCES THE FRATIDICAL PREMONITORY UTTERANCES OF THE MANTALOGICAL OMENS.
WHAT DO THE BLEEDING STARS IN THE PAPER PREDIC FORECAST, PROPHESY, FORETELL, PROGNOSTICATE AND THIS IS WHERE YOU AT HOME CAN JOIN IN.
FOREBODE, BODE, AUGUR, SPELL FORETOKEN, PRESAGE, PORTEND FORESHOW, FORESHADOW, FORE-RUN HERALD, POINT TO, BETOKEN, INDICATE?! I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU? I'M NESBITT.
THERE'S NOT A ZODIACAL SIGN CALLED NESBITT.
ALL RIGHT, DERRY AND TOMS.
"AQUARIUS, SCORPIO, VIRGO, DERRY AND TOMS.
APRIL 29 TO MARCH 22, EVEN DATES ONLY.
" WELL, WHAT DOES IT PRESAGE? "YOU HAVE GREEN, SCALY SKIN "AND A SOF YELLOW UNDERBELLY "WITH A SERIES OF FINLIKE RIDGES "RUNNING DOWN YOUR SPINE AND TAIL.
"ALTHOUGH LIZARDLIKE IN SHAPE "YOU CAN GROW ANYTHING UP TO 30 FEET IN LENGTH "WITH HUGE TEETH THAT CAN BITE OFF "GREAT ROCKS AND TREES.
"YOU INHABIT ARID SUBTROPICAL ZONES AND WEAR SPECTACLES.
" HMM, IT'S VERY GOOD ABOUT THE SPECTACLES.
IT'S AMAZING! HMM, WHAT'S YOURS, IRENE? BASIL.
I'M SORRY, WHAT'S YOURS, BASIL? NO, THAT'S MY STAR SIGN BASIL.
THERE ISN' A STAR SIGN YES, THERE IS.
"AQUARIUS, SAGITTARIUS, DERRY AND TOMS BASIL JUNE 21 TILL JUNE 22.
" WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY? "YOU HAVE GREEN, SCALY SKIN "AND A SERIES OF YELLOW UNDERBELLIES RUNNING DOWN YOUR SPINE AND TAIL" THAT'S EXACTLY THE SAME! OH! TRY ANOTHER ONE.
WHAT'S AQUARIUS? IT'S A ZODIACAL SIGN.
I KNOW THAT! WHAT'S IT SAY IN THE PAPER, MRS.
FLAN-AND-PICKLE? ALL RIGHT.
OH! IT SAYS, "A WONDERFUL DAY AHEAD.
"YOU'LL BE SURROUNDED BY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
"ROGER MOORE WILL DROP IN FOR LUNCH "BRINGING TONY CURTIS WITH HIM.
"IN THE AFTERNOON, A SUBSTANTIAL CASH SUM WILL COME YOUR WAY.
"IN THE EVENING, PETULA CLARK WILL VISIT YOUR HOME "ACCOMPANIED BY THE MIKE SAMMES SINGERS.
"SHE WILL SING FOR YOU IN YOUR OWN LIVING ROOM.
"BEFORE YOU GO TO BED, PETER WYNGARDE WILL COME AND DECLARE HIS UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU.
" EWW! WHAT'S SCORPIO? OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD.
"YOU WILL HAVE LUNCH WITH A SCHOOL FRIEND OF DUANE EDDY'S "WHO WILL INSIS ON WHISTLING "SOME OF DUANE'S GREATES INSTRUMENTAL HITS.
"IN THE AFTERNOON, YOU WILL DIE.
YOU WILL BE BURIED" GOOD MORNING.
OH, MORNING, DOCTOR.
AND HOW'S THE OLD ARM THIS MORNING, MRS.
IKON? OH, IT'S STILL HANGING OFF AT THE SHOULDER.
GOOD, WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT IT, SHALL WE? OH, DAMN! OH, DAMN THIS WRETCHED LITTLE BAG.
OH, DAMN, THIS WRETCHED, BLOODY LITTLE BAG.
IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE ABOUT BEING A DOCTOR IT'S THIS WRETCHED, BLOODY LITTLE BAG.
OH, DAMN THIS WRETCHED, BLOODY LITTLE BAG! DAMN IT! DAMN THAT WRETCHED LITTLE BAG.
DAMN YOU WRETCHED LITTLE BAG! THERE, RIGHT.
WHAT'S THAT DOING IN HERE? RIGHT! WELL HAND OVER THE MONEY.
COME ON, ALL OF IT.
THANK YOU.
YES, THAT SEEMS TO BE OKAY.
I'LL JUST TES YOUR REFLEXES.
EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE OKAY.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
KEEP COLLECTING THE PENSIONS AND TRY NOT TO SPEND TOO MUCH ON FOOD.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
MORNING, MR.
HENSON.
HOW ARE WE TODAY? NOT TOO BAD, DOCTOR.
OKAY, TAKE IT EASY.
EXPECTING ANY POSTAL ORDERS THIS WEEK? NO.
RIGHTO.
AH, MR.
RODGERS, HAVE YOU GO YOUR UNEMPLOYMEN BENEFITS, PLEASE? RIGHT WELL, CAN YOU WRITE ME A CHECK THEN, PLEASE? THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SOON HAVE YOU DOWN TO NOTHING.
AH, MR.
MILLICHOPE.
HMM TWO HOURS LEFT TO DO.
OOH, LOVELY! DINNER'S READY, DEAR.
SORRY, YOUR TIME'S UP, MR.
SPEWM.
I'M AFRAID YOU LOSE BOTH THE 3p SUITE AND YOUR YOUNGEST DAUGHTER.
HELLO.
SHOULD THERE BE ANOTHER TELEVISION CHANNEL OR SHOULD THERE NOT? ON TONIGHT'S PROGRAM, THE MINISTER FOR BROADCASTING THE RIGHT HONORABLE MR.
IAN THROAT M.
P.
GOOD EVENING.
THE CHAIRMAN OF AMALGAMATED MONEY TV, SIR ABE SAPPENHEIM.
GOOD EVENING.
THE SHADOW SPOKESMAN FOR TELEVISION, LORD KINWOODIE.
HELLO.
AND A TELEVISION CRITIC MR.
PATRICK LOONE.
HELLO.
GENTLEMEN SHOULD THERE BE A FOURTH TELEVISION CHANNEL OR NOT? IAN? YES.
FRANCIS? NOPE.
SIR ABE? YES.
PATRICK? NO.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT TWO SAY "WILL," TWO SAY "WON'T.
" WE'LL BE BACK AGAIN NEXT WEEK, AND NEXT WEEK'S GREAT DEBATE WILL BE ABOUT GOVERNMEN INTERFERENCE IN BROADCASTING AND WILL BE CANCELED MYSTERIOUSLY.
JUST STARTING ON BBC 1 NOW, VICTORIA REGINA THE INSPIRING TALE OF THE SIMPLE CROFTER'S DAUGHTER WHO WORKED HER WAY UP TO BECOME QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND EMPRESS OF THE GREATES EMPIRE TELEVISION HAS EVER SEEN.
ON BBC 2 NOW, EPISODE THREE OF GEORGE I THE NEW 116-PART SERIAL WHO HASN'T BEEN DONE YET.
ON ITV NOW, THE BUT ABSOLUTELY DELIGHTFUL.
BUT, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW, WHO CARES? AH! 'TIS MY LORD OF BUCKINGHAM.
PRAY WELCOME, YOUR GRACE.
THANK YOU, GRANTLEY.
LADIES, MAY I INTRODUCE TO YOU THE MAN WHO PROPHESIED THAT A GERMAN MONARCH WOULD SOON EMBROIL THIS COUNTRY IN CONTINENTAL AFFAIRS.
OH, HOW SO, MY LORD? MADAM, YOU WILL RECALL THAT, PRIOR TO HIS ACCESSION OUR GRACIOUS SOVEREIGN GEORGE HAD BECOME INVOLVED IN THE LONG-STANDING NORTHERN WAR THROUGH HIS CLAIM TO BREMEN AND VERDUN.
THESE DUCHIES WOULD PROVIDE AN OUTLE TO THE SEA OF THE UTMOS VALUE TO HANOVER.
THE TREATY OF WESTPHALIA HAS ASSIGNED THEM TO SWEDEN.
IN 1648.
EXACTLY.
MEANWHILE, FREDERICK WILLIAM OF DENMARK TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE ABSENCE OF CHARLES XII SEIZED THEM 1712.
OH, YES.
IT ALL FALLS INTO PLACE MORE WINE? OH, THANK YOU.
HOWEVER, JUST PRIOR TO HIS ACCESSION GEORGE HAD MADE AN ALLIANCE WITH FREDERICK WILLIAM OF PRUSSIA ON THE GROUNDS OF PARTY FEELING.
WHILE FREDERICK WILLIAM HAD MARRIED GEORGE'S ONLY DAUGHTER.
I REMEMBER THE WEDDING.
BUT CHIEFLY, THROUGH CONCERN AT THE CONCERTED ACTION STAND AND DELIVER! DENNIS MOORE! THE SAME.
AND NOW, MY LORDS, MY LADIES YOUR LUPINS, PLEASE.
OUR WHAT? COME, COME, DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME, MY LORD OF BUCKINGHAM.
WHAT CAN YOU MEAN? YOUR LIFE OR YOUR LUPINS MY LORD.
IN A BUNCH, IN A BUNCH.
THANK YOU, MY FRIENDS.
AND NOW A GOOD EVENING TO YOU ALL.
HE SEEKS THEM HERE, HE SEEKS THEM THERE HE SEEKS THOSE LUPINS EVERYWHERE.
THE MURDERING BLACKGUARD! HE'S TAKEN ALL OUR LUPINS.
NOT QUITE.
OH, YOU TRICKED HIM.
WE STILL HAVE ONE.
HOORAY! TRY TO EAT SOME, MY DEAR.
IT'LL GIVE YOU STRENGTH.
OH, MR.
MOORE, MR.
MOORE, SHE'S GOING FAST.
DON'T WORRY, I'VE I'VE BROUGH YOU SOMETHING.
MEDICINE, AT LAST? NO.
FOOD? NOPE.
BLANKETS? CLOTHES, WOOD FOR THE FIRE? NOPE.
LUPINS! OH, CHRIST! I THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THEM.
I'M SICK TO BLOODY DEATH OF THEM! SO AM I! SHE'S BLOODY DYING AND ALL YOU BRING US IS LUPINS! ALL WE'VE EATEN, MATE, FOR THE LAST FOUR BLEEDING WEEKS IS LUPIN SOUP, ROAST LUPIN, STEAMED LUPIN BRAISED LUPIN IN LUPIN SAUCE LUPIN IN THE BASKE WITH SAUTEED LUPINS LUPIN MERINGUE PIE, LUPIN SORBET.
WE SIT ON LUPINS, WE SLEEP IN LUPINS WE FEED THE CAT ON LUPINS WE BURN LUPINS, WE EVEN WEAR THE BLOODY THINGS! LOOKS VERY SMART.
OH, SHUT UP! WE'RE SICK TO DEATH WITH THE STENCH OF THEM! LOOK! THE CAT'S JUST CHOKED ITSELF TO DEATH ON THEM! I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER SEE ANOTHER LUPIN TILL THE DAY I DIE! WHY DON'T YOU GO OU AND STEAL SOMETHING USEFUL? LIKE WHAT? LIKE GOLD AND SILVER AND CLOTHES AND WOOD AND JEWELS AND HANG ON, I'LL GE A PIECE OF PAPER.
THIS, COUPLED WITH THE PRESENCE OF PETER AND HIS PRUSSIANS IN MECKLENBURG AND CHARLES AND HIS SWEDES IN POMERANIA MADE GEORGE AND STANHOPE EAGER TO COME TO TERMS WITH FRANCE.
MEANWHILE, A BREACH HAD NOW OPENED WITH OH, NO, NOT AGAIN! OH, COME ON! STAND AND DELIVER AGAIN! YOUR MONEY, YOUR JEWELRY, YOUR HANG ON YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR SNUFF, YOUR ORNAMENTS YOUR GLASSWARE, YOUR PUSSY CATS DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE LUPIN.
YOUR WATCHES, YOUR LACE, YOUR SPITTOONS HERE WE ARE.
WELL, IT MAY BE THE END OF THA BUT IT'S CERTAINLY FAR FROM THE END OF WELL, IN FACT, IT'S THE BEGINNING WELL, NOT QUITE THE BEGINNING.
WELL, CERTAINLY NEARER THE BEGINNING THAN THE END WELL, YES, DAMN IT, IT IS, TO ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES THE BEGINNING OF THIS YEAR'S IDEAL LOON EXHIBITION SPONSORED BY THE DAILY EXPRESS.
NUMBSKULLS AND BOOBIES FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY HAVE BEEN ARRIVING TO GO THROUGH THEIR STRANGE PACES BEFORE A LARGE PAYING CROWD.
THIS IS THE 15th IDEAL LOON EXHIBITION AND WE TOOK A GOOD LOOK ROUND AFTER IT WAS OPENED BY ITS PATRON.
HERE'S KEVIN BRUCE, THE DIGGER DUFFER FROM DOWN UNDER WHO'S RANKED 14th IN THE WORLD'S SILLY POSITIONS LEAGUE.
THIS KIND OF INCOHERENT BEHAVIOR IS REALLY BEGINNING TO CATCH ON DOWN UNDER.
THERE'S NORMAN KIRBY, FROM NEW ZEALAND, WHOSE SPECIALTY IS STANDING BEHIND A SCREEN WITH A LADY WITH NO CLOTHES ON.
IN REAL LIFE, NORMAN IS A GYNECOLOGIS BUT THIS IS HIS LUNCH HOUR.
AND FROM FRANCE THERE'S A SUPERB EXHIBITION OF RATHER SILLY BEHAVIOR BY THE FRIENDS OF THE FREE FRENCH OSTEOPATHS.
TROIS, UN, DEUX, TROIS, UN, DEUX, TROIS UN, DEUX, TROIS, UN, DEUX, TROIS THEY DO THIS OVER 400 TIMES A DAY.
NOBODY KNOWS WHY.
BUT FOR SHEER POINTLESS BEHAVIOR YOU'VE GO TO ADMIRE BRIAN BROOMERS THE BATTLING BRITISH BOY WHO, FOR TWO WEEKS HAS BEEN SUSPENDED OVER A TIN OF CONDEMNED VEAL.
ALWAYS POPULAR WITH THE CROWD IS THE SCOTSMAN WITH NAE TREWS EXHIBI AND THIS YEAR'S NO EXCEPTION.
SPONSORED BY NATURAL GAS AND GLASGOW CITY COUNCIL THIS EXHIBIT IS ENTIRELY SUPPORTED BY VOLUNTARY CONTRIBUTIONS.
BUT FOR A TRULY MAGNIFICEN WASTE OF TIME YOU'VE GOT TO GO NO FURTHER THAN THE EXHIBIT FROM ITALY ITALIAN PRIESTS IN CUSTARD DISCUSSING VITAL MATTERS OF THE DAY.
THESE LADS FROM A SEMINARY NEAR CREMONA HAVE BEEN PRACTICING FOR WELL OVER A YEAR.
AS ALWAYS, ONE OF THE GREAT ATTRACTIONS OF THIS 14-DAY EXHIBITION IS THE DISPLAY OF COUNTER MARCHING GIVEN BY THE MASSED PIPES AND TOILET REQUISITES OF THE COLWYN BAY MASSED PIPES AND TOILET REQUISITES CLUB.
AN INTERESTING POIN ABOUT THESE BOYS IS THEY ALL HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON HIP IN JURIES.
NOT FAR AWAY, THE CROWDS ARE FLOCKING TO SEE A MEMBER OF THE FAMOUS ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED GEESE.
BUT THE CLIMAX OF THE WHOLE EVENT IS THE JUDGING.
MR.
JUSTICE BURKE.
WELL, THAT'S THE LAS AND LET'S JUST SEE THOSE LAST SIX ONCE AGAIN.
AND THE WINNER IS NUMBER 41, MR.
JUSTICE BURKE.
ATTENTION, ATTENTION, SUSPECT HEADING DUE NORTH.
PLAN 13-A IS NOW IN EFFECT.
WHOOP! YET FEAR, NOT LIKE AN AGED FLORIN CAN SO DISSEMINATE MEN'S EYES THAT FORTUNE, STRAINING AT A KISSING TOUCH MAY STOP HER CEASELESS SEARCH TO SPORT AMIDS THE RAMPANT THRUST OF TIME AND BRING THE THING UNDONE TO PASS BY THAT WITH WHICH THE COCK MAY CHANCE AN ARM.
WELL, THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, SIR BUT THIS IS AN OFF-LICENSE.
UH, JUST A BOTTLE OF SHERRY THEN, PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, UM, AMONTILLADO? YES, I THINK AMONTILLADO FINELY GROWN, WELL-CHOSEN FROM THE CASK OF PLUTO'S HILLS CELL'D DEEP WITHIN THE VINOUS SOIL OF SPAIN WRENCH'D THENCE FROM FIERY REGIONS OF THE SUN YES, YES, SIR, JUST ONE BOTTLE? JUST ONE BOTTLE.
JUST ONE JOT.
JUST ONE TITTLE.
THAT'S THE LOT.
THERE WE ARE, SIR.
THAT'LL BE A POUND, SIR.
A POUND, A POUND AND ALL AROUND ABOUND A POUND FOUND FOUND LOST LOST THE COS TILL WAS'T EMBOSSED EXCUSE ME, SIR.
YES, GOOD VICTUALLER, NATURE'S TRENCHERMAN MINE HONEST TAPSTER I WAS JUST WONDERING, ARE YOU A POET? NO, NO, I'M I'M A SOLICITOR.
A SOLICITOR OH.
WELL-VERSED WITHIN THE WRITTEN LAW OF MAN WHO CAN TO THOSE WHO NEED OH, SHUT UP! I'M SORRY.
I'M AFRAID I'VE CAUGHT POETRY.
OH, REALLY? WELL, DON'T WORRY, SIR I USED TO SUFFER FROM SHORT STORIES.
REALLY? WHEN? OH, ONCE UPON A TIME.
THERE LIVED IN WILTSHIRE A YOUNG CHAP CALLED DENNIS MOORE.
NOW, DENNIS WAS A HIGHWAYMAN BY PROFESSION AND FOR SEVERAL MONTHS HE'D BEEN STEALING FROM THE RICH TO GIVE TO THE POOR.
ONE DAY HERE WE ARE AGAIN.
MR.
JENKINS? THERE WE ARE.
I'LL BE BACK.
MEANWHILE, FREDERICK WILLIAM, BUSILY ENGAGED IN DEFENDING AGAINS THE THREE GREAT POWERS THE PROVINCE OF SILESIA WHICH HE HAD SEIZED IN THE WAR OF THE AUSTRIAN SUCCESSION AGAINS HIS WORD.
YES, I REMEMBER.
WAS NOW DEPENDEN ON PITT'S SUBSIDIES.
MY LORDS, MY LADIES, ON YOUR FEET, PLEASE! I MUST ASK YOU TO DO EXACTLY AS I SAY OR I SHALL BE FORCED TO SHOO YOU RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES! WELL, NOT RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES, I MEAN WHEN I SAY "BETWEEN THE EYES" OBVIOUSLY I DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT ACCURATE.
I MEAN, IF I HIT YOU IN THAT SORT OF AREA, LIKE THA OBVIOUSLY, THAT'S ALL RIGHT FOR ME.
I MEAN, I DON' HAVE TO TRY AND SORT OF HIT A POIN BISECTING A LINE DRAWN BETWEEN YOUR PUPILS, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
I MEAN, FROM MY POINT OF VIEW, IT'S PERFECTLY SATISFACTORY WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHY ARE YOU HERE? WELL, WHY ARE ANY OF US HERE? I MEAN, WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO I IT'S ALL SO MEANINGLESS, ISN'T IT? I MEAN, WHAT DO ANY OF US WANT? NO, NO, WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW? OH, I SEE, OH, JUST THE USUAL THINGS A LITTLE PLACE OF MY OWN, THE RIGHT GIRL NO, NO, NO! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US? OH, UM YOUR GOLD, YOUR SILVER, YOUR JEWELRY.
YOU'VE TAKEN IT ALL.
THIS IS ALL WE'VE GOT LEFT.
THAT'S NICE.
I'LL HAVE THEM.
COME ON.
YOU'D BETTER TAKE THE BLOODY LUPIN, TOO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'VE GONE THROUGH THAT STAGE.
WHAT YOU GOT FOR US TODAY, THEN? WELL, I'VE MANAGED TO FIND YOU FOUR VERY NICE SILVER SPOONS, MR.
JENKINS.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GIVING US POOR THIS RUBBISH? BLOODY SILVER WON'T HAVE I IN THE HOUSE.
AND THOSE CANDLESTICKS YOU GOT US LAST WEEK WERE ONLY 16-CARAT.
YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU GO OU AND STEAL SOMETHING NICE LIKE SOME VENETIAN SILVER? OR A VELASQUEZ FOR THE OUTSIDE LOO.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DID YOU SING? WE SANG, "HE STEALS FROM THE POOR AND GIVES TO THE RICH.
" WAIT A TIC BLIMEY, THIS REDISTRIBUTION OF WEALTH IS TRICKIER THAN I THOUGHT.
GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF PREJUDICE THE SHOW THAT GIVES YOU A CHANCE TO HAVE A GO AT WOPS, KRAUTS, NIGS, EYETIES, GIPPOS, BUBBLES, FROGGIES CHINKS, YIDDS, JOCKS, POLACKS, PADDIES AND DAGOES.
TONIGHT'S SHOW COMES LIVE FROM THE TINY VILLAGE OF RABID IN BUCKINGHAMSHIRE.
AND OUR FIRST QUESTION TONIGH IS FROM A MRS.
ELIZABETH SCRIN WHO SAYS SHE IS GOING ON A MEDITERRANEAN CRUISE NEXT WEEK AND CAN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE SYRIANS.
WELL, MRS.
SCRINT, APART FROM BEING TOTALLY UNPRINCIPLED, LEFT-WING TROUBLEMAKERS THE SYRIANS ARE ALSO BORN SKIVERS.
THEY'RE DIRTY, SMELLY AND UNTRUSTWORTHY AND, OF COURSE, THEY'RE FRIENDS OF THE AWFUL GIPPOS.
WELL, THERE YOU ARE, MRS.
SCRINT.
HOPE THAT ANSWERS SOME OF YOUR PROBLEMS.
HAVE A NICE TRIP.
WELL, NOW, THE RESUL OF LAST WEEK'S COMPETITION WHEN WE ASKED YOU TO FIND A DEROGATORY TERM FOR THE BELGIANS.
WELL, THE RESPONSE WAS ENORMOUS AND WE TOOK QUITE A LONG TIME SORTING OUT THE WINNERS.
THERE WERE SOME VERY CLEVER ENTRIES.
A MRS.
HATRED, OF LEICESTER, SAID "LET'S NOT CALL THEM ANYTHING, LET'S JUST IGNORE THEM.
" AND A MR.
ST.
JOHN, OF HUNTINGDON, SAID HE COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING MORE DEROGATORY THAN "BELGIANS.
" BUT IN THE END, WE SETTLED ON THREE CHOICES.
NUMBER THREE, "THE SPROUTS" SENT IN BY MRS.
VICIOUS, OF HASTINGS.
VERY NICE.
NUMBER TWO, "THE PHLEGMS" FROM MRS.
CHILDMOLESTER, OF WORTHING.
BUT THE WINNER WAS UNDOUBTEDLY FROM MRS.
NO-SUPPER-FOR-YOU, FROM NORWOOD IN LANCASHIRE "MISERABLE, FA BELGIAN BASTARDS.
" VERY GOOD, VERY GOOD, THANK YOU, CAROL.
BUT, AS YOU KNOW, ON THIS PROGRAM WE'RE NOT JUST PREJUDICED AGAINST RACE OR COLOR.
WE'RE ALSO PREJUDICED AGAINST YES, YOU'VE GUESSED STINKING HOMOSEXUALS! SO BEFORE THE STREETS STAR EMPTYING IN CHELSEA TONIGH LET'S GO STRAIGHT OVER TO OUR POPULAR PREJUDICED PANEL GAME AND INVITE YOU ONCE AGAIN TO "SHOOT THE POOF"! AND COULD OUR FIRS CONTESTANT SIGN IN, PLEASE? OUR FIRST CONTESTAN IS A HAIRDRESSER FROM OOH, I NEVER DID LIKE THAT KIND OF PERSON.
HALT! HALT! GENTLEMEN, LADIES, BRING OU YOUR VALUABLES, PLEASE.
OH, NO! COME ALONG, SIR, COME ALONG.
COME ALONG, MADAM.
NOW IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT? YES.
WELL, HE'S GO MUCH MORE THAN YOU SO YOU'D BETTER HAVE SOME OF HIS.
HE'S GO A LOT OF THESE.
OH, SORRY PICK THEM UP IN A MOMENT.
THERE'S ABOUT, OH, WHAT, NINE DOWN THERE SO YOU MUS HAVE ABOUT OH, HE'S STILL GOT LOTS YOU'VE GOT WHAT? YOU'VE GOT MORE THAN HE STARTED WITH SO IF I GIVE YOU SOME OF THOSE UH, WELL, NOW, LOOK, IF I GIVE YOU THAT, UH HAVE YOU GOT A BIT OF JEWELRY? YES, IF I GIVE YOU THAT ONE AND YOU HAVE SOME OF HIS COINS IS THA ANOTHER BOX? WERE YOU TRYING TO HIDE IT? OOH, THAT'S NICE! I'LL HAVE THAT.
RIGHT.
NOW, I'VE GO A TIARA YOU'VE GOT ONE, YOU'VE GOT ONE.
YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THE BOXES.
YOU'VE GOT ONE.
ANYONE ELSE GOT A TIARA? TAKE YOUR HAT OFF.
OH, HONESTLY IT'S ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS TRYING TO DO THIS IF YOU'RE GOING TO CHEAT.
IT REALLY IS AWFUL OF YOU.
I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD HAVE WON.
I MEAN, JUDICIALLY, YOU SWEPT THE BOARD.
ALL RIGHT, HE HAD POSTURE BUT WHERE WAS HE IN THE SUMMING UP? OH, SHUT UP, MELFORD, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR.

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