Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mammy's Coming!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
APPLAUSE # She's Mrs Brown # That's Mrs Brown # Oh, Mrs Brown.
# Thanks, Mammy.
Ah, thanks, Mrs Brown.
Still looking, love? Yeah.
There's just no jobs going! And with the baby on the way, we have to get our own place! Something will come up.
Hello! Well, there's a new Brown due.
Getting closer every day! Foot! Foot! I don't care what it is, as long as it's a girl! How do I look? I'm on a diet.
Yes, it's called the Cook And Kids diet.
I cook toast and the kids feckin' eat it! I'm serious, listen.
Maria, put some bread in that toaster! Oh God, no more toast for me, Mrs Brown.
See? It wouldn't be for me.
I don't feckin' eat toast.
See ya later, pussycat! Your shoe? Where's your other shoe? The other shoe? Shoo! Shoo! Your other Ah, feckin' hop! Mammy, what would it be like to work in a lighthouse? A lighthouse? You'd have to run around in a circle to read your book.
And you'd have crabs all over your rocks! It would be worse than your holiday in Malaga.
Ah no, seriously, Mammy.
I have to get a better job.
A lighthouse? Well you'd be lonely and you could be away for weeks! No, three days a week.
Three days a week, in a lighthouse? Where's this lighthouse? Birmingham.
Show me the ad.
"Person wanted, three days a week for light house work.
" You feckin' eejit! No wonder you can't get a job.
You feckin' eejit! Who's an eejit? Your brother! You'll get no argument from me.
I'm allowed, it's my job.
Thanks, Mammy.
Oh, and don't count me in for dinner.
I'm meeting Mick! He's going on a course for special detectives! And is he, Cathy? Is he special? He could be the one.
I used to call your father that, the one.
Awww! One bastard.
It would be nice if it worked out for her, wouldn't it? Yeah, great! That's all we need.
A copper in the family! Mammy, Did you see my blue canvas shoes? Ah now, where did I leave them after me ballet classes? I'd wear these, I suppose they'll do.
You suppose they'll do? When I was a child you were lucky if you had one pair of shoes.
Here we go.
Don't make light of it.
I got up every morning and walked 6 miles to school.
7 miles to the nearest shop.
4 miles just to go to mass.
You should have moved! Don't be cheeky, son! And, you watch the time! Toast! Give me that feckin' toast, give me that! Get out! Get out! Are you making toast there, Mammy? What am I, the Toast Master? I'm not going to be making toast for every Tom, Dick and Harry that walks into this house! Morning, Mammy.
Good morning, Trevor son! Toast? Yeah, I'd love some! Right, I'm off.
Be careful, son it's a jungle out there! Trevor, you should go up and visit Father Quinn, you haven't seen him since you got home.
Mammy And, I've done all your washing.
It's folded up nicely just right beside your bed.
And you should get yourself into town, get yourself a decent pair of feckin' shoes! I have to go back to the mission.
I know.
When? This week.
South Sudan.
Not South Sudan! Do you know where that is? No.
Mammy, it was great to be home, but you always knew it would be a short visit.
Well, we'll give you a good feckin' send off! No, you won't.
Not like the last time, no big party, no brass band, no big deal, and no tears! Jacko has an erection! An erection? Just like that? Just like that! He's lying there in the hospital, his bed like a tent! Apparently it's a side effect of the medication he's on for his heart.
You must have got a shock! I thought he was dead.
I thought it was rigor mortis! Do you ever miss it, Agnes? Miss what? You know.
The humpy-humpy thing? No.
Not even a little bit? Not even a teensy weensy bit.
What's to feckin' miss? The smell of Guinness and chips being breathed all over you? His chin like feckin' sandpaper? Taking advantage of me whenever he liked he'd come in and dive on me, "AHHHHHH! "Take off me feckin' tights!" And all I could do was lie there and try and keep me place in the book.
The answer is no, Winnie.
I don't miss it one little bit! Ah, Agnes, you're gas! Here, I'm going to go.
I might pop down to the hospital and see if Jacko's any better.
Or any bigger! Speaking of balls, bingo at eight o'clock! See you, love! See you later! Hello, Mrs McGoogan.
Hello, son.
How are you, Mrs McGoogan? Look what the cat dragged in.
What the cat dragged! Ah, feck off! Just home for a quick cuppa! Well here, help yourselves.
I have to get Grandad ready for sports day for the old folks' home.
He's entered in the long spit! I'm telling you, Dermot, it's foolproof.
The house is full of gear and there's nobody there.
Nobody? They own a circus and they pack up every winter and go away until Easter.
Circus people, Dermo.
You know what they're like for jewellery.
Maria wouldn't like this.
Don't bring her.
All right.
Ah, fantastic! But they have cameras.
Leave it to me.
I'll get another costume from work! Ah, Dermo just like the old days! You and me like prowling cats, silent and invisible.
CRASHING Ahhhhh! I'm OK! Buster, you look great! Come in! I think me ma's gone to the bingo! Who's that? Nobody! Hide! It's me, Mammy.
Hello, son.
Nice pyjamas.
Grandad, I'm off to the bingo.
Grandad it's over! It's over! Look, I know you are disappointed with second place, but there's always next year.
If you're still here! Dermot, I'm off! Good luck at the bingo! We have to make this quick.
I need to be back before Maria finishes her shift.
Come on, let's go.
What are you giggling about? You today, keeping your place in the book! It's true! But making love, Agnes! Love, my arse! Making more worries, making shitty nappies.
Makin' HIM happy! And you! Making you happy, too! Ah, Jesus, Agnes, you can't tell me you've never enjoyed it.
Winnie, are you on drugs? Enjoy what? You know, the organism.
I never done one.
I nearly did, once.
Not with him.
Mary Murphy told me to get a cucumber.
I went down to the vegetable shop to get it.
The man said, "Will I slice it? " I said, "Excuse me, it's a fanny not a feckin' parking meter!" I don't think they exist! Oh, they do, Agnes, I swear it! I done two.
When? Well, one two weeks after your Redser's funeral.
BOTH: Lord rest him! On a Friday.
And one the following August.
And what were they like? Massive! Brilliant! Be specific, describe it! Well, at first, I didn't know what was goin' on.
He was floppin' up and down like a dying whale, flip flop, flip flop, flip flop, flip flop! Winnie! I know that bit, get to the part where you feckin' harpoon him.
Well, there's me thinkin' to meself, "Jesus, if this fella doesn't" Yes.
I know.
I'll fall asleep.
" If you were awake to start with! Then suddenly, oh, I had this feeling.
A wave came over me.
Tsunami? It was like getting ten early numbers at the bingo, Agnes.
And you just knew something good was coming! Ten early numbers! A shiver ran down me body, me hips started jerking all on their own.
Oh, I closed me eyes it was like an explosion.
I could see colours bursting in me mind like fireworks.
And without me telling it to, me voice gave out a little yelp, "Arghhhh!" It's OK, it's OK! It's OK! Winnie! You frightened the shite out of me! Sorry.
He just stopped and said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.
" Oh, I could hardly speak.
"Oh, keep going!" You know, I kinda whispered.
But he just rolled over and said, "You're all right, love, I wasn't in the mood anyway.
" He was asleep in seconds.
Gone! I just lay there, Agnes.
And I don't know why, but I started to cry.
Now, I wasn't sad or nothing.
I just cried.
Well that's it, love.
What do you think? Was that the first one or the second one? Both.
They were the same, only on the second one I didn't cry.
Did you tell him about them? Jesus, Agnes, I couldn't tell him.
I'd been faking them the last 30 years! Me too! I used to just go What did you do? "Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!" Here, I need a fag after that! Winnie! What? How long did they last? Seconds.
Over in a flash.
If they're that quick, I could have had loads of them and just not know! Don't you kid yourself, Agnes Brown.
If you'd had one you'd know it for sure.
Believe you me! Oooh! Oh, yes! Well, thank you, Redser Brown.
Leaving me with six orphans and not one fuckin' organism to show for it.
I just can't, that's it.
I'm sorry, Professor.
I can do anything else, but I can't do this! Can't do what, Cathy? It's just a project for college.
It's nothing.
I'm not doing it anyway, so it doesn't matter.
What kind of project? Don't give up so easy! Oh, a family group session! What's the problem? You've the family right here under the roof.
We're getting together tomorrow for Trevor's send off, it's the perfect opportunity.
I'll tell everybody half-past seven.
What a lovely way to send Trevor off but with a family group night! But, Mammy, I know everybody too well.
I'll have nothing to work with! Of course you will.
Goodnight, love! Who's that? Shhhh! Is everyone in bed? Yes.
Come on, Buster.
Take your time.
Where have you been? In Emergency at the hospital! Oh, God.
What happened? Long story.
Come on, Buster, one step at a time.
We had a run-in with a real live lion! You had a run-in with a lion, dressed as a zebra? Their favourite food! The lion wasn't hungry.
He was horny! Nothing to work with? You must be feckin' joking.
You can sit in with us if you like.
BOTH: No thanks, Mrs Brown.
I suppose not, you're not really family.
Are we starting or what? Dermot's not here yet.
Can't we start without him? It's Cathy's night, I'd leave it to her! OK.
Now, what Cathy's going to do first is explain to everybody exactly what's going on.
Cathy Brown! You don't have to introduce me.
Cathy Brown! OK, the basic structure of any normal family Or ours.
Cathy Brown.
The basic structure is identical for every family, human or animal.
Animals! Ha! I do animals! Wait till you see it.
SHE CLUCKS Watch this! What's that? A chicken? Yes! Well done, son! Will I do a pig? Yes.
"Is that feckin' car taxed?" This structure is called the hierarchy structure.
The father at the top of the hierarchy.
LAUGHS Cathy Brown! The father at the top and the youngest child at the bottom.
And no matter what age they are, once the family gathers in a group situation, everybody unconsciously reverts to their place within that structure.
I'd like to use this session to confirm that theory.
So this is a family group talk, you just say whatever you like.
All right? Mammy? Mammy fuckin' bored now.
We'll start with you, Mark.
What? Why me? Well, we have to start somewhere, and in the absence of a father you're the eldest.
All right my name is Mark Brown and I'm an alcoholic.
Look, if you're not going to take this serious then there's no point.
I think being an alcoholic is feckin' serious! He's not an alcoholic, Mammy.
Jesus Christ, Cathy you're so And it's not funny! You're so quick to judge.
He's not, Mammy! Are you, Mark? No! There! So, Mark.
How was your day today? Grand.
Oh, for God's sake! Were you drinking, son? He is not an alcoholic, Mammy.
Only an alcoholic denies he's an alcoholic! Look, what I'm trying to do here is just make small talk.
Small talk.
Yeah, to sort of relax everybody.
Cool, baby, chill! We can talk about things that might be worrying us.
Exactly! No, you don't have to raise your hand.
If you feel like speaking you just speak.
Go on, Rory.
Dino has a verruca.
Rory, what the hell are you talking about? No, wait, Mark.
Has he, Rory? That's very interesting.
I'm on the edge of me buckin' seat! I can't wait for Verruca 2! It's not the verruca that's interesting, Mammy, it's the fact that Rory said it.
I feckin' heard him.
I am not buckin' deaf! Cathy Brown.
Why did you pick that particular thing to start with, Rory? Because you told me to speak.
Good answer, son! Yes, but why Dino's verruca? Does it bother you? Erm Answer the fuckin' question! It's a simple question! Answer the question! You give me 30 seconds I'll get you an answer.
Trevor, get me the hose off the washing machine! Mammy! I'm just doing good cop, bad cop.
You're going down, perp! No deals.
15 to life! CSI Miami! There's no need for any of that, Mammy, so stop it! You see, the interesting thing here is that a verruca is a niggling thing.
Something that doesn't bother you for a long time.
Ah, years, yeah.
And then suddenly gets very sore.
Yes! Throbbing! Throbbing! Was Dino throbbing? Rory, is there something niggling at you? Cathy could be right, love! Take off your shoe I'll have a look.
No, Mammy, I mean something bigger than a verruca! Like a bunion? Oh, for Christ's sake.
Sorry I'm late! It's all right, son, you missed feck all! Cathy Brown.
You people just don't get it, do you? ALL: No.
All right, here's an exercise! Come on, all of you do this.
Come on! # Hallelujah! # All right, now I want everybody to reach into your past! Reach into the past.
Cathy, if we're reaching into the past why are we going forward? Because I said so and I know what I'm doing OK.
Reach! Rory, your past is not that long.
Get back! Reach in.
Cathy, I am reaching into the bag of my life.
Well done! I am rummaging through the sack of my memories.
That's it.
Jeez, I didn't know that was there! Oh, no! You wouldn't believe what's in here! Mammy, concentrate, will you! I am! OK.
Now, I want you to find that something that holds you back.
Yank it out! Shake it at the world and say, "Fuck off and leave me alone!" I'm cured.
I am cured! Mammy, sit down! Cathy Brown.
Mammy, the reason I want you to reach into your past Me bag.
is so that you can understand Understandthe way you feel The way you feel.
Today! Today! What is she buckin' talking about? All right, I'll give you an example.
Mark, when I was nine you tore my communion dress.
Ahh, not the fuckin' communion dress! You bring this up at every family gathering, you ruined your father's funeral with this! And everyone was having such a good time.
You know, I remember your father's last words.
"Ah, fuck.
It's a bus" Cathy Brown! Mark, that dress was important to me.
OK, but I was only 12! Well, I hated you for that.
Fair enough.
I forgive you.
Good boy.
You forgive me for what? You said you hated me.
I forgive you.
He has a heart of gold! But you're the one who's in the wrong! Excuse me! Now, excuse me! He forgives you and he's in the wrong? What kind of jumped up feckin' cycle-ology is this? You walk in here you accuse him of being an alcoholic and then you won't accept his forgiveness over one little tear? And you don't even attack Rory for wearing the feckin' dress! Look it it's all his fault! I'm not even sure it is a verruca! Rory! Shut up about the feckin' verruca! Don't speak to my son like that.
Ah, Mammy, shut up! And don't you speak to your mother like that! This is a waste of time, you know, forget it.
Just forget it! DOORBELL RINGS Trevor, get that door! I'm glad my husband is not alive to see this, to see his beautiful wife being treated like this.
Mammy, your husband didn't die.
He's just hiding on you! You're supposed to be in control of this.
I wouldn't put you in control of cattle! Well, it's not my fault my family are idiots! Well it's not my fault you haven't got a penis! She hasn't has she? Eurgh! Oh, hiya, Mick, what a surprise! Give me a minute, I'll get my coat.
No, Cathy.
I'm on duty! And who is she? He's on duty, Mammy.
He's working! Sorry, I thought he said Judy! Duty! Actually, I'm here to see Dermot.
Dermot? For what? Can I speak to you in private? Anything you have to say to him can be said right here we're all family.
Yes, we're all family.
Well, not them two, really! They're not really Maria, maybe I should talk to Mick in the kitchen.
Good idea, everybody into the kitchen.
Now what is it, Detective O'Leary? How did you know his name was O'Leary? Because I recognise him from the hospital.
Oh, I've met him a couple of times, in the children's clinic.
She said that before yes.
Now what do you want here? Erm, I'm investigating an attempted break-in at a warehouse in Portmarnock, last Friday evening.
Jesus! Two men fitting the description of Dermot Brown and one Buster Brady were seen at the scene with a truck.
At what time? 11:30.
It couldn't have been my husband, he was with me.
Where? Here, they were here.
Everyone in your feckin' book, they were all here.
I went to bed at about 12 o'clock.
I had to, the place was feckin' packed! Fellas with balaclavas over there and fellas with stockings over their heads over there, it was chaos! Mammy, they were here! That's what I said! And would you both swear to that in court? I would, twice.
Dermot Brown was having a night in with his wife, Detective O'Leary.
Maybe you should try doing the same yourself.
Right, well that's that then.
Cathy, I can explain Don't! She's not very clear.
Fuck off! "Family Group Session.
What exactly does the word family mean? "To take a cynical view, "the bonds of family can be the very bonds that hold you back.
"However, they are also the bonds that support you, keep you "grounded, and teach you that above everything else family is a place.
" "A place in your heart, a place where no matter what troubles you encounter, "no matter where you find yourself, you know in that place you will always be loved.
" I read it this morning.
I'll miss you I hope so.
Goodbye, Grandad! Which one are you? The nun! Oh, right.
Have a safe journey, son! I will, and thanks for not making a big fuss of me leaving, Ma.
CHEERING Mammy! MARCHING BAND PLAYS Well, what did you expect? Good night!