Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mammy's Spell

1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys.
She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Our Mrs Brown.
And now perhaps you might sing us a song, little chicken.
Cluck-cluck, cluck, cluck-cluck Cluck-cluck, cluck-cluck.
Oh, very, very good.
Do I sense the arrival of an egg? Ooh! I think it's hard boiled.
When I count back from three and click my fingers, you will wake up and remember nothing at all.
Three, two, one.
I'm Simon Lavine, and that's what I call hypnosis.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, ladies, thank you.
Thank you! You were great Mrs McGoogan, very funny! Do you think so? Sure, I only had to sit there.
I tell you, Maria, this is one of the best christening parties I've been ever at.
Oh, thanks, Mrs McGoogan, with it being triplets, Mummy wanted to make it a bit special.
What? What was special? Winnie was just saying the christening was great.
Oh, it was fantastic, Maria, three beautiful boys.
I hate the feckin' names you picked.
It was Dermot who wanted to call them after The Beatles.
John, George and Ringo.
That's a terrible name to have to live with.
I know.
When he grows up and the teacher asks his name, he's to stand up in front of the whole school and say fuckin' "George".
Wasn't the hypnotist great? Winnie, you were very funny.
I did nothing, Agnes.
Oh, you did more than I did, I just sat up there like a feckin' eejit.
Mrs Brown, you really don't remember? Remember what? Everyone enjoying themselves? Up to now, yes.
Hope I'm not over-dressed for this place, this is a Louise Kennedy.
Hope it fits her better than it fits you.
Louise Kennedy is a top designer.
That's nice.
Mammy! Well, drink up, girls, and then it's everyone back to our house.
Ooh! Are you coming, Agnes? No, I'd better get home to Grandad, he's been on his own all day.
Well, the champagne's sitting on ice.
Grandad is probably sitting in shite.
I must say, Agnes, you are a good sport, you were really quite funny up on that stage.
When? What do you mean? She doesn't remember anything, Mum.
Really? What? What's she laughing at? What's she laughing at? Never mind, Mrs Brown.
Are we going back to Nicholson's for champers? Let's go, I'll call Rory and tell him where we're going.
Betty.
Oh, we're heading back to Nicholson's.
Did you say anything to Mammy? No, and don't you say anything either.
Not today, let her enjoy her day.
You're right.
What's that about? I nearly shot myself in the foot.
My uncle shot himself in the foot once.
He was out hunting mushrooms.
Are you going home to Grandad now or will you have another one? Actually, go on, I might as well.
I may as well feckin' hose him down as bath him.
Hello! Well, you just missed a fantastic day.
Poor Father Damien, he never christened triplets before.
He nearly ran out of fuckin' water.
He should've used a hose.
Oh, I love days like this, you know, family days.
There's nothing better than having your family round you.
I'm a very lucky mother and grandmother.
I saw you talking to yourself again.
You usually do that at home in your kitchen.
Yeah, well, it's a new series.
Thought I'd move it around a bit.
You were very hard on Mrs Nicholson.
Oh.
Ah, she was only trying to be nice.
I'm sorry, it's just that every time that woman gives me a compliment, I feel like she's waiting on a fuckin' receipt.
Bono's nose is out of joint.
Ah, yes.
He doesn't like having to share his gran.
No, he doesn't.
I just told him we love him so much we got him three new cousins.
I'm not sure that's the way to tell him, Agnes.
Why not? Well, imagine if your Redser had come home and he said, "Listen, Agnes, I love you so much "I'm bringing another woman home.
" What would you have said to that? I hope she fuckin' cooks.
"For sale, herd of cows, never been bred.
"Also for sale, gay bull.
" Morning.
Moo.
Good morning, love, have a cup of tea? Thanks, Mammy.
You look a bit down, love, are you all right? It's trying to get an apartment.
There's nothing going that me and Dino can afford.
You just have to be patient, love.
We can't be patient, Mammy.
Dino's in his last week in the place he's in now.
We have to get somewhere by the end of the week.
Tea, love? Just a quick one, Mammy, I have a headache.
Hangover, more like.
Good night at the Nicholsons' last night? Great.
Isn't their kitchen just beautiful? Amazing, you could live in it.
Ha, a kitchen's a kitchen, as long as it's cosy and functional, like this one.
Excuse me, everything in this kitchen has always worked, except your father.
Maybe it could do with a lick of paint.
This needs more than a lick of paint, Mammy, you need to give it a facelift.
This kitchen was built to last.
It even has fuckin' automatic doors.
These things cost money, Cathy.
Mammy, your eldest son is a carpenter.
That's true.
And he could use the work, especially now.
Ouch! Mammy, she's after kicking me! Well, that was a very stagey fuckin' "Ouch.
" Ouch! Eek! Can we try that again? Really fuckin' kick him.
Mammy, your eldest son is a carpenter.
True.
And he could use the work, especially now.
Ouch! Sorry.
Let me just show you the sound I'm really fuckin' looking for.
You don't be kicking him, or I'm telling you I'll take those good knickers off you.
What do you mean, now? Nothing, I just mean that now might be a good time to do it.
I have to go, I'll be home on me lunch break, Mammy.
Bye.
Wait, Rory! I'll walk to the bus with you.
Mammy, I'm meeting Thomas later so I won't need dinner.
Why? Are you going to eat, Thomas? Don't answer that.
Hiya, Winnie.
How are ya, Cathy, love? That's loose.
Well spotted.
The christening was great.
Oh, it was fantastic.
Do you want tea? Oh, yes, please, Agnes.
Winnie, you were very funny on that stage.
Sure, I did nothing.
When you did the chicken.
It was very funny.
All he had to say was the magic words - finger lickin' good.
Cluck! cluck-cluck-cluck! And then he just clicked his fingers and you didn't remember anything.
Remember what? About the fuckin' chicken.
Hello, Ma.
Hello, son.
Oh, this is an unexpected surprise.
Oh, we're just dropping Bono to school and thought we'd drop in.
Well, you're just in time for tea.
And we'd like to have a chat with you.
Sure.
In private.
Winnie.
Yeah? They'd like to talk private.
Oh.
Mum-um-um-um-um Winnie! Family business, fuck off.
What is it, love? I'm being made redundant, Ma, in three weeks.
Oh, I'm sorry, love.
But, you know, sometimes these things work out just the way they're supposed to.
I was just thinking about getting the kitchen done.
You can do that while you're waiting on another job, and then I can pay you.
I'd rather pay you than pay anybody else.
Hello there.
You're just in time.
Screw yourself into that door there, will you? Go on, you know the drill.
Did you want a cup of tea or did you just come for a charge? Betty, just the girl, could you do me a favour? It's the toy fair tomorrow, and the boss is looking for a pretty blonde to play a kind of a Barbie doll.
Oh, jeez, Betty, you could help there, you must know a pretty blonde.
Ma! I meant Betty.
And who's going to play Ken? Me! Are they dolls, will they damage in a fire? Hilarious.
Do you fancy it, Betty? No, Dermot, not with Bono in school, but thanks for asking.
No bother, I have someone else in mind anyway.
How are yas? Hiya, Buster.
Did you want me for something, Dermo? Dermot, we wanted to have a chat with Ma.
No bother.
Buster, in there.
See, the thing is, Ma Hello, help! Just give me a minute.
Jesus! Mark, we have to.
I'm coming, Grandad.
I didn't do anything! I know but you will.
Help me! I'm coming, for God's sake, keep your fecking clothes on.
So, what did you want me for, Dermo? Firstly, me mother-in-law wants her afghan back.
Dermo, I swear, it followed me home.
Buster, it's a rug.
Fair enough.
It's in the car.
You still driving that banger? It gets me from A to A.
When it starts.
Get back into the bed.
Get into Look at my lips! Up here! Get into You OK, Mammy? It's your Grandad, he knocked over his glass of water in his sleep.
Now I can't find his fuckin' teeth.
He won't get back into bed.
He thinks they're in the bed and they're going to chew the balls off him.
Get in! Get in, you feck! Get into the bed! So, what's the other thing, Dermo? I have a day's work for you.
Meet me at the toy fair at nine in the morning.
That's great.
See you in the morning.
I'll see yas.
Mark, do you want me to say it to her? No, I'll tell her.
Jesus.
Mark? Any chance of a push? No.
It wasn't long ago we had a car like that.
Fine, then.
OK, Buster, I'll give you a push.
Oh, thanks, Mark.
Where are ya? Over here, on the swing.
Right, see yas.
Dermot, give us a push will ya? No.
Sorry about that, love.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the kitchen.
You could do that.
I can't Ma, I don't want the job that I might not be here to finish.
What do you mean? Mrs Brown, there's no work out there.
In three weeks, Mark is finished, and the chance of getting a job is, well, there's nothing.
I know you feel like that, Betty, but you mustn't give up hope.
We're not giving up, Mrs Brown.
I've found some work in Australia.
Oh, Jesus, we'll miss you, won't we, son? Ma, we're all going to Australia.
When do we leave? Mammy.
I, I was just trying to make light of it.
Good for you.
You're right, you have to make a life for yourselves and if you can't make it here, then you go wherever you can.
Thanks, Ma, I knew you'd understand.
And you can visit.
It's not that far.
Of course I will.
I'm getting excited now.
Well, we're not there yet - we still have to get the visas.
Let's go to the embassy now.
OK, let's go.
See ya, Ma.
See yas.
How is she? All right, I think.
But you know Mammy, Rory, she's putting on a brave face, but, well I know, under that hard exterior is another hard exterior.
Stop, don't make me laugh.
Emigrating to Australia? Yes.
That's a long way away.
I know.
That's further than America.
I know.
The other side of the world, it is.
I fuckin' know.
It's miles and miles away.
Winnie, don't volunteer for The Samaritans.
I'm just saying.
I had an auntie, emigrated to America.
We never heard from her again, not even a letter.
Was this the one that was on the Titanic? Yeah.
We never heard from her again.
Where are they going in Australia? Somewhere outside Sydney.
Poitier or something like that.
Oh, Rory, you missed it at the christening party in Foley's.
I heard the hypnotist was brilliant and Mammy was really funny.
Oh, it was hilarious.
What did he get her to do? When he had her under, he said that every time he said the magic word, Mammy would think she was an Alsatian dog.
And she was hilarious.
And then he just clicked his fingers and she didn't even remember it.
What was the magic word? Triplets.
Woof! Woof! I suppose that's the way it was with our children.
One minute, they're little babies, crawling on the ground and the next minute, they're all grown up.
Just like that.
Am I right, Agnes? What? Right about what? Children growing up quick.
Yeah.
Then he told her that when he said another word, Mammy would think she was a stripper! What was that word? It was, oh, I can't remember, but it was so funny.
Fair play to that hypnotist, he was on the ball, you know, it being the three boys' christening, to pick that word triplets.
Woof! Woof! Throw the ball! Throw the ball! Aaargh! Throw the fucking ball! Rory, Cathy, help! It's your Mammy! I think she's annoyed with me! Winnie, what the fuck is wrong with you? We should contact that hypnotist to take Mammy out of that.
Yeah, we should.
But not yet! To Australia! I wish you the best of luck, Betty.
Thank you, Mrs Brown.
You'll need it, I tell ya, with all them snakes and sharks and poisonous spiders that hide under the toilet seat.
What? Yes.
There's a reason they sent convicts to Australia, it's a fuckin' death trap.
It's not like that.
A lot of Australians live in really nice places.
Yes, Dublin or London, as far away from Australia as they can.
Aye, yeah.
Small sharks.
What? Well, in the toilet, they'd have to be small sharks.
Winnie, go up and tell Mr Foley that he wants you, will you? OK, love.
I'm serious.
Can you imagine sitting in the toilet, and one of them creepy spiders crawling up towards your ying yang? It's called a funnel web.
You call yours what you like, love, mine's a ying yang.
How long will you stay there, Betty? Till she needs a shit, then she'll be on the first plane home.
You wait and see.
Mr Foley said he didn't want me.
I wish he'd make up his feckin' mind.
Have the two of you decided where in Australia? Mark wants to go to Sydney.
Jacko and me were in Australia.
I didn't know that, where? Perth.
I believe Perth is beautiful.
We didn't like it, very cold, and the people all spoke funny.
Winnie, was it kind of like, "There's a moose loose about this hoose?" You feckin' eejit.
That's Canada.
Well, at least we were there.
Will you come to the toilet with me, Agnes? Why? Well, in case there's one of them spider thingies, and it might attack me ying yang.
That'd be fatal.
For the spider.
Winnie, you're all right, they won't be there.
It's only in Australia.
C'mon, I'll go with you, c'mon.
Thanks, Agnes.
Feck's sake.
By the way, Maria, thanks for a great night at the christening.
Oh, we really wanted to mark the occasion.
It's not every day you get to christen triplets.
Woof! Woof! Ya dirty bastard! What was that about? There's something I meant to tell you.
Phone! Phone! Phone! 'Hello, this is Agnes Brown.
I'm not taking your call, 'because I'm trying to avoid somebody I don't like.
'Please leave your number, and if I don't call back, it's you.
' 'Hello, Mrs Brown.
'Damien, Father Damien.
I'm on my way over to see you.
'I heard about Mark emigrating 'and I thought you could use a little chat.
'Hello? 'I feckin' hate these things.
' Phone! What's wrong with you? Phone! Priest.
Message.
I can't sleep! Does that smell like chloroform to you? There we are.
Hello, Ken! Are you on your own? No, Buster's with me.
Come on, Buster.
I'm coming.
Buster, sit down, son.
No, I'll stand.
I might damage the box, and that affects the value.
Do you want a cup of tea, love? No, Mammy, we just called to see if you're OK.
We heard about Mark.
Do you want a cup of tea, son? No, Ma, we just called in to see if you're OK.
We heard about Mark.
Close your fuckin' mouth.
Would you like a cup of tea, son? No, Mammy.
We just called in to see if you're OK.
We heard about Mark.
It's fuckin' Hawaii Five-0 now.
Would you like a cup of tea, son? No, Mammy, we just called in to see if you're OK.
We heard about Mark.
It is what it is, I'm fine.
Yeah.
I might emigrate to Australia.
Buster, they stopped taking people like you in Australia 200 years ago.
Well, you're all right anyway, are you, Mammy? I'm grand I fucking can't Oh, Jesus.
OK, this time, this time, this time.
Well, you're all right anyway, are you, Mammy? I'm fine, thanks for thinking about me, Elvis.
Dermo, can I take a break? No.
Aw, come on, Dermo, I just want a chance to think outside the box.
Shut up, Buster.
Hiya, Mark! Hiya, Bono.
Hiya, Ma! Hello, son.
Oh, look at you, Bono.
So big.
Ma, I'm looking for a certificate.
It's for me application for Australia.
What kind of certificate? Baptism.
Do you have any idea where it might I know where it is.
I know where it is.
Hiya, Bono! Are you sad? Aye.
Do you want to see something funny? Aye.
Watch this.
Triplets! Woof! Woof! It's nice to see you smiling, mister.
What's so funny? Nothing, Granny.
Right, that's me back to work, I'll see yas later.
See ya, love.
I don't want to go to Australia, Granny.
Don't be silly, it'll be a great adventure.
New school, new friends.
But no Granny.
No.
But I can visit.
You wait and see, you'll be sick of me out there, I swear.
Hello, Father, c'mon in.
You know, I don't know a lot about Australia, but I know it has gorgeous beaches and everybody has a sun tan.
Really? Yes, it's like Skegness.
I have a great idea.
What? Mammy and Daddy can go to Australia, and I will stay here with you.
No.
Please, Granny? Wait a second, Father.
No, I wouldn't want you here in my way, under me feet.
No, go to Australia.
But I won't be any trouble.
No, you go to Australia with your Mammy and your Daddy.
Fine.
I don't want to see you ever again! Bono! Thanks, Ma.
Ah, hello, Mrs Brown! Oh, that's all I fuckin' need now.
Hiya, Sharon.
Ah, howya, Cathy? Here, do you remember the hypnotist the other night? Yeah, why? What's he saying? That rash was there before I went near him.
No! Do you have a number for him? Oh, yeah, I have his card somewhere.
Mammy is still hypnotised.
Oh, here.
Thanks.
I couldn't remember the other magic word, the one that turned her into a stripper? Oh, yeah, baptism.
I'm fine.
I don't need counselling, I'm fine.
OK, but still, I mean, I haven't seen you since the baptism.
I know you're upset about Mark emigrating, but something many of my parishioners have gone through, virtually on a daily basis.
Mrs Brown? Mrs Emigration isn't Mrs Brown! Are you all right, Mrs Brown? There's no place like home! Mrs Brown! What are you doing? I really have to be leaving soon.
Not yet, Mr Lavine.
Cluck-cluck-cluck! Woof! Cluck! Cluck! Woof! Woof! Just a few more minutes.
Woof! Woof! Good night.