Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) Episode Scripts

N/A - Who's A Pretty Mammy? (New Year's Eve Special)

1 This programme contains strong language.
'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!' She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Our Mrs Brown.
Hello! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.
We did! I'm just sending out me invitations for the New Year's Eve party.
I'm inviting everybody here to bring in 2000-and-whatever-it-is, because you might be watching this on a repeat.
I don't know what your plan is for New Year's Eve, but mine is to drink cider till I can't pronounce it! Hiya, Ma! This is a great idea, two Charlie Chaplins! No, Ma! Laurel and Hardy! Oh! Which one are you? It's for work.
Finglas Futuristic Sci-Fi Foreign and Family Film Festival.
Can you say that, Buster? It's for work.
Finglas Family F Ohh! Would you like a cup of tea, son? No, Ma, just dropped in to tell you about Maria's Auntie Mary.
What about her? She was in a car accident.
She didn't make it.
Oh, Mary Sheridan? That's very sad.
I think they're going to have to close the clinic.
Clinic? It was a whore house.
BUSTER! Anyway, I just dropped in to tell ya.
Maria's quite upset about it.
So, if she calls in, be nice to her.
I'm always nice! It's one of my weaknesses.
She'll have her mother with her.
That bitch? MAMMY! Hiya, Ma! Hello, you two! Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello! I'm just sending out my invitations for the New Year's Eve party.
Remember what we said last year? We're doing New Year's Eve in Donegal every second year.
Oh, of course, I remember.
Don't worry.
That starts next year, does it? I'm only kidding! I know.
You won't be there.
Doesn't matter, there'll be plenty there anyway.
Well, we wanted to let you know that we've decided on a school for Bono.
Fantastic! If it's a fee paying school, I want you to know I'd like to help out.
That's very good of you, Ma.
Not at all.
I'll get his shoes.
Well, it's not.
We've decided on the local school, St Stephens.
Oh, Jesus, no! Look, I know it's a tough school Tough school? Mark, they hold the feckin' parent-teacher meetings in Mountjoy Prison! Before you know it, it'll be goodbye Bono, hello Scarface.
"Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to me? Hi!" Mammy, that's ridiculous! Bono's a good boy.
He'll be fine.
Of course he will.
Any news on Bono? He's going to feckin' Alcatraz! Mammy! Well, I'm sorry.
He's my grandson and I love him, even if you don't! Oh, for God's sake! We all know how easily led he is! Sure, look at last month when he nearly went off with that dirty, smelly feckin' tramp! That was Grandad! Exactly! Look, it's not up for discussion.
You are not his mother.
Ooh! Come on, Mark.
Well, bravo, Mammy! You blew that one.
I know St Stephen's School too well.
I went there myself.
And it's so old.
I think God went there! And rough! If you see a boy with two ears, he's a fuckin' sissy! Is that Two Ears behind me? Howya, Mammy? Howya, Cathy? Did you hear about Maria's auntie? Yes, very sad.
Are they sausages? Can I have one? Ohh! See yous! Dirty sausage gobbler! Cathy! You can't say that! You have to say 'gay'! I'll get it.
Picking the right school for a child of Bono's age is very important.
You want a progressive school, not one like St Stephen's, where the English class is all about teaching you how to fill out an unemployment form.
Visitors, Mammy.
Oh, hello, Fathers.
Sit down.
Tea, Fathers? Ah, no, we won't, Cathy.
It's just a quick visit.
Ah! Mrs Brown, let me explain.
As you know Father Quinn has gone back to Rehab? .
his home town.
He wants to Dry out? .
reaffirm his faith.
So, for as long as he's Pissed? .
away, Father McBride here has come over from Ballymun and he'll be running the parish now.
McBride, is it? I've heard a lot about you, Mrs Brown.
Funny, I know nothin' about you.
But I bet he doesn't buy yoghurt.
I'd say he buys milk and just stares at it! It's a pity I have to begin my tenure here with some bad news.
Miss Sheridan from the clinic died in a motor accident.
Yes, I heard, very sad.
Is there anything I can do to help? Well, the wake is being held in the clinic.
It could do with a cleaning.
Well, when you've finished that, try and think of something I can do to help.
We were up there just now.
Everybody's very upset.
We have her parrot in the car.
Her parrot? What are you going to do with it? I don't know.
If we can't find a home for it, I suppose we'll just have to Shave it? Ah, no, Father Damien.
We could take it, couldn't we, Mammy? Not in this house.
No way.
No feckin' way.
I'm not having the parrot in this house, and that's the end of it.
Come on, say it.
Come on, say it.
"That's nice!" "That's nice!" Come on, say it! Feckin' useless.
If I had a Taser and a hotplate, I'd make you sing and buckin' dance! That's loose.
Hiya, Mammy! Hello, son.
What's up? Nothin'.
Just thought I'd drop in on me way home from work.
Is that your phone? Oh, fuck! I don't have a phone! I don't have a phone! I don't have a phone, Brendan! What fuckin' phone is that?! That's not mine! You wouldn't bring a phone on to the set with you.
I know, I wouldn't! I don't know.
Put the fuckin' thing away.
How's Dino? He's good.
Do you want to fuckin' ring him? Rory, what has you so down? Oh, stop, stop, stop.
Oh! Can I go out and come back in, or? Yes, go out and come back in.
Can I? Yes, fuck off! That's loose.
Hiya, Mammy! Speaking of loose What's up, son? Nothin'.
I just thought I'd drop in on me way home from work.
How's Dino? He's good.
Ohh! Who didn't finish their dinner? Rory! Will you stop this? What's going on with you? I'm starvin'! Mammy, Dino doesn't eat meat, only vegetables, and I'm trying to support him, but I'm starvin'! Jesus, Rory, you have to talk to Dino.
This is not on.
If you had a phone, you could ring out for takeaway! Rory, take it serious! Ohh! OK.
Rory, you can't be doing that.
You have to tell Dino this is not on! No.
At least I'm not a vegan.
No, of course not.
Once a Catholic, always a Catholic.
No, Mammy! Vegan vegetarian.
They don't eat meat, fish, dairy, wear leather or fur.
Have you gone mad? Dino says I need a bit more roughage.
Dirty bastard! No, Mammy! For me bowels! I'm not listening! You go into work and you tell Dino I want to see him here tomorrow! All right.
Roughage! I'll give him buckin' roughage! Hiya, Winnie! Howya, love? Remind me, I must fix that.
You look tired, pet.
I am, and sure why wouldn't I be? I'm fuckin' walking since I was two! I'm thinking of taking Jacko away on holiday.
He's in hospital, for Christ's sake! Well, I was hoping they'd let him out for a few days.
I only need to find somewhere that would cater for somebody attached to a drip.
I wouldn't call him a drip, Winnie! I knew you were going to say that! Winnie, everybody knew I was going to say that! What's that? It's the hel-en-ium for the balloons.
Here, did you ever see this? Hello, Winnie! Give us a go! Here.
Cup of tea? I-I should point out to those of you at home, for safety reasons, the BBC have asked me to mention that using helium is very dangerous.
Come on, Winnie, we'll do a big one! Hiya, Mrs Brown.
Hiya, Winnie.
I've just come from me mother's.
She's very upset.
Her sister, my Aunt Mary, she was in a car accident.
She didn't survive it.
You know, she spent years building up her sports clinic, and now it all comes to an end so quickly.
It's terrible, isn't it? I just don't know what to say to my mother to cheer her up.
Do you have any suggestions, Mrs Brown? Mrs Brown? At least it happened very quick What the hell?! For God's sake! She's annoyed.
Oh, my God! I'll have to apologise.
Oh, poor Mary Sheridan.
Lord, rest her! Oh, we'll toast her on New Year's Eve.
I can't be at your party New Year's Eve.
The hospital are holding a bit of a do, you know, New Year's Eve party for the patients, so I'll be joining Jacko.
You're going to miss a great night, Winnie.
All the family'll be there.
Mary Sheridan's clinic Your Jacko used to go up there? Mmm, quite a lot to get his ligament pulled.
Bono is not going to that school.
It's the worst school in Dublin.
Now, now, Mammy! Says who? That's just the papers.
You don't know the story behind the story.
Who actually said it? The headteacher! From her hospital bed! Give me that! Who wants a drink? I do.
Winnie's fine.
Agnes, if you're cross-eyed AND dyslexic, can you still read OK? Ah, thanks, Sharon.
What? Did you get your surprise yet? I'm not with you.
What surprise? BARBARA! Tell Cathy about her surprise.
You lucky duck! Will one of yous two tell me what the hell you're talking about? Well, you know Jackie from Travel Paths? The travel agents? Yeah, what about her? She was in Wash & Blow the other day.
I did her shampoo.
I'm only allowed shampoo cos I'm not 'qualified' yet.
She was only getting a volume enhancer.
I could've done that.
BARBARA! Get back to the story! Oh, yeah! Well, she told me that your Mick was in and he bought a romance package for Venice for New Year's weekend.
Venice?! I've never been to Venice! Well, you're going now, Miss! Venice! Don't let on you know, now, cos Jackie swore me to secrecy.
Rory? Did you tell Dino I want to see him? Yeah.
He's going to drop into you.
He cooked us Quorn last night.
Quorn on the quob? Quorn Kievs.
They look exactly like chicken, but they're made out of fungus.
Oh, Jesus! What did they taste like? I don't know.
As soon as he wasn't looking, I swapped mine for a real chicken Kiev! Oh, Rory, you can't be going on like this.
I'm OK.
You're not OK, Rory.
Every chance you get, you're running away from Dino and chomping on my meat! Listen to this - the school have all sorts of people going up there to speak to the children.
Poets, artists, sport stars.
The firemen were there last week.
That's cos the place was on feckin' fire.
"My ambition," said the headteacher, "is that this will become a beacon school.
" Well, she got her wish - that fire could be seen for feckin' miles! No, Cathy.
Bono is NOT going to that school.
We know what it's like, don't we, Winnie? Oh, the bullying! The feckin' bullying at our school was terrible! Terrible! Do you remember that little girl used to get her knickers pulled down every time she turned her back? Who was that? Me.
Was that you? I always thought it was a baldy girl.
That was me, as well.
I used to have me hair cut short, stop the bullies from pulling it.
And who was it that stopped you being bullied? It was you, Agnes.
She promised me that no-one would EVER pick on me again Ahh! .
once I handed over me lunch money.
Shut the fuck up, will you?! It was a terrible school.
I left at 11.
I stayed on till half past three.
Winnie was always getting into feckin' trouble, weren't you? Always! Do you remember the graffiti in the hall? Yeah! "Sister Monica is a shit.
" Oh! Sister Monica stormed into the classroom and demanded to know who'd done it.
She said whoever did it was going to get six lashes of the strap, and Winnie put her feckin' hand up! Did you write that on the walls? No, I just wanted to go to the toilet! So who was it wrote on the walls? Well, she WAS a shit! Come on, "Who's a pretty boy?" "That's nice!" You big-nosed, lazy, good for nothin' bastard! Leave the bird alone! I wasn't talkin' to the bird, I was talkin' to you! What are you doing, Mammy? Just going through the replies to the New Year's Eve invitations.
They're all noes.
Everybody's busy.
Well, you won't be getting a yes from me or Mick, either.
We're going to Venice! Has he sprung the big surprise yet? I think he's just about to! Come on, say it, "That's nice!" Fuckin' useless! Leave the bird alone! He won't talk! "Leave the bird alone!" Hello, Mrs Brown.
Hello, son.
Oh, you're getting late Christmas cards? No, I'm just going through replies to the invitations for New Year's Eve.
I'm afraid I won't be coming.
And why would that be? Well, erm, I won't be here.
And where will you be? Are they going to have sex? No, she's poking him, he's not poking her.
He's a prick! Shut up, Grandad! So, Mick, where will you be on New Year's Eve? Cork.
Oh, yeah? Cork? What's in Cork? Well, we're setting up a big raid.
It's drug stuff, I can't really talk about it.
So, I won't see you, then? No, I'm afraid not.
But it's just a weekend.
I see.
Sometimes your grandad gets it just right.
Come on, say it.
"Buster, you are so gorgeous!" He won't talk, Buster.
He's not fuckin' blind! Come on, say it.
"Buster, you are so gorgeous!" "Wanker!" That was close enough! "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake.
" Hiya, Ma.
Hello, you two.
I got your message, so we're here.
Mrs Brown, if you think you're going to talk us out of Bono's school, you're wasting your time.
Bono's going to St Stephen's, and that's that.
I'm not trying to talk you out of anything.
Buster! Yes, Mrs Brown? Sit down there, son.
Ooh! How are yous? Now, Buster, I'm going to ask you a few questions, all right? Sure.
Now, the country India, you've heard of that, have you? I have.
That was easy! That wasn't one of them, son! No, here we go.
Now, question one ("Mastermind" jingle plays) What was Ghandi's first name? Goosey Goosey.
How long did the Six-Day War last? 30 years? Complete this nursery rhyme.
"Mary had a little lamb" "Her father shot the shepherd.
" And finally No, I've started, so I'll finish.
Finally, Buster, what school did you go to? St Stephen's.
Bono is not going to that school.
Well, it's entirely up to you.
Well, in that case, we'll have to get Father McBride to sign this form to say it's OK for Bono to go to school outside the parish.
You give it to me.
I'll get it signed.
See you, Ma.
See you, son.
So, how did I do, Mrs Brown? You did fantastic, Buster.
I wrote the answers on me hand in case I forgot.
You did great, Buster.
I can't believe they fell for it.
Everybody knows Ghandi's first name was Andy.
Ohh, Jesus! Are you there, Agnes? I'm here, Winnie.
Jesus, you don't look the best! I had a curry on the way home last night, from The Star Of Bengal.
Oh! I hate their curries.
Too hot! You think they're hot going down? I swear, I feel like I'm hiding a blowtorch in me knickers! Winnie, give me the air freshener out from under the sink.
The pine one.
Ah, there you go love.
Thanks, Winnie.
Oh, God! Agnes! What, Winnie? It says here, "You need a visa to enter Jordan.
" Jesus, she's getting fussy! You know, I feel sorry for girls like Jordan.
You know, girls with the big boobies.
I feel sorry for the girls with the little boobies.
You see some of them on the catwalk Bejeez, a bit of Clearasil rubbed on and they could disappear altogether.
Oh-ho-ho, have to go! I'm fine! Ugh, Jesus, Agnes, that's strong! Tell you, it is a bit rough, isn't it?! Bit of an edge on that one! Yeah! Howya, Ma.
Jesus! Smells like someone shit a Christmas tree in here! Mammy, have you had any luck with that form for the school? No, I need a couple of days and I haven't got it yet, love.
Well, it has to be in by the second of January.
I know, I know.
I'll have it for Oh, have to go! Is Mammy all right? Curry tummy! She'll be fine, love.
Oh, right.
Oh, Mrs McGooghan, Mammy was asking me earlier for some glue.
Will you give her that? I will.
Tea, pet? No, I'm grand.
Two sprays? Mark dropped in the glue for you, love.
Winnie! What? What? I can't get my legs open! Agnes, it's 35 years too late for that! No, Winnie, seriously! What? Me legs are stuck together! Come on, help me get them apart! Agnes! It's everywhere! Winnie, here! You get my legs apart and I'll get your arse off! OK.
No No, can't.
Here, push me up, right.
Get them up, up, up! Hold on there! Got it! Winnie! What? WINNIE! I'm fuckin' burnin'! Oh, Jesus! Winnie! What are you feckin' doing? Agnes Agnes, me face is stuck to your knickers! Uh-oh! PLEASE don't fart! MAMMY?! I can explain everything! No.
I beg your pardon, Father? I won't sign it, Mrs Brown.
There are too many good children leaving the parish.
The best chance St Stephen's School has of improving is to hang on to good children like Bono.
With all due respects, Father, the only way St Stephen's is going to improve is with a buckin' bulldozer.
My grandson Bono is a child, he's not a thing to be used by you or any school to improve itself.
Sign it! I won't.
Father, don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to bury the bodies! Hello, Father McBride.
I was just leaving.
Goodbye, Father.
We just wanted to thank you for taking the parrot, Mrs Brown.
Oh, yes.
How are you, Higgley? Oh, I'm just trying to keep myself together.
We went up to clean up the, er, clinic.
We found lots of leather That's enough, Maria! No need to discuss family business.
Higgley, everybody in Finglas knows it's a fuckin' knocking shop! It was a SPORTS CLINIC .
and let that be the end of it.
"My name is Lulu.
"Can I have your credit card number?" "Oooh! That's a big one!" Right, well, we'll say no more.
Higgley, I believe the funeral is on New Year's Eve? That's right.
Well, you're welcome to come back here for a couple of drinks.
Oh, that's very kind of you, Agnes, but the funeral's in Kilkenny and we'll be staying overnight.
As will Dermot and I.
You'll have to count us out, too, Mrs Brown.
Hi! Oh, Dino.
We should go.
Dino, I have a dinner for you.
Oh, dinner! I haven't eaten all day! Well, safe home.
Sit, Dino! Now .
eat! Mrs Brown, I don't eat meat.
I know, Rory told me.
That's why I was dying to introduce you to Super Soya Steak.
Looks like meat, tastes like meat, but it's made of soya.
Really? Really.
Oh, my God! It really does taste like meat.
Mm-hmm! Good boy! Mrs Brown, may I use your toilet? Of course! I'll put this in the oven.
No, no, I'll not be that long.
You got here before me.
Be with you in a second, pet.
Doesn't he look happy? He does! What did you do? I gave him a steak.
Oh, no! I told him it was made of soya.
He couldn't even tell the feckin' difference! Mammy! Dino's not a vegetarian he's allergic to meat! Allergic?! Oh, my God! I'm swelling! Dino, are you all right?! I'm swelling up, Rory! I'll give you two a moment on your own.
Come out, Dino! I'm stuck to the toilet! Dino, open the door! Mammy, he looks like an orang-utan! I think he looks better! Is that my ring? No, Dino, I think a gourmet weekend for Rory is a great idea, but does it have to be New Year's Eve? It means you'll miss the party! Fine.
Well, I don't know how many times to say I'm sorry.
I hope the swelling goes down.
Would you like a drink, Father Damien? I'll have a whisky, thanks, Mrs Brown.
A large one! Would you like a drink, Father? Satan's abomination! I haven't got that.
Will Smirnoff do? I'll have an orange juice.
You know, she's going to try and get me to sign that form.
Maybe you should, Father.
What difference does it make? I run this parish, son, not some piddling little widow woman.
Ooh! You don't really know Mrs Brown, Father, do you? I'm putting my foot down.
And about to hit a feckin' land mine! Here, Father.
Here you go, Father.
You're very good to come round to welcome Trevor home.
He'll be here shortly.
Father have you had a chance to think? Let's not go down that road, Mrs Brown.
My mind is made up.
Don't even try, Mrs Brown.
When Father McBride says no, he means it.
"Hello, Father McBride.
Back again?" "Who's for a ride on Father McBride?" Lulu seems to know you! Well, I-I did rescue her from thatden of iniquity.
"Is it a Biro? Is it a Bic? "Or is it Father McBride's little" Mrs Brown, you might consider letting me have that parrot.
Well, I certainly mightconsider it.
Well, I hope you're satisfied now, Mrs Brown.
Oh, yes! And more than the girls were down in the fuckin' clinic, it seems! "That's nice!" So, you made Father McBride's life a misery? He deserved it.
If I had my way, and I usually do, Father Quinn will be back in the parish in a couple of weeks.
Lucky the parrot said what he said.
Lucky? Took me all week to feckin' train him! Buster, thanks very much for coming around.
I'm sorry it's not more lively.
No problem.
Would you like to dance? No.
Oh, hiya, Trevor! Hey, Cathy! Are you all right? I just went for a long walk.
Did your long walk take you past the airport? Yeah.
He was there with some young thing.
Did you watch him fly off? No.
I watched them being taken away for an internal body search.
Someone must have tipped Customs off they were drug smugglers! That's my girl! What's this all about? I'll tell you later, Trevor.
For now, let's just make the best of the night.
Good for you, chicken.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
You just keep getting the crabs.
Look who it is! Hello! My God, I thought yous were all going away? Ah, we had a chat.
Betty, Maria and Dino can head off and we'll join them tomorrow.
It's my dream come true! New Year's Eve with just my family! Hooray! Turn up the telly.
Buster, where do you think you're going? You said just family.
You stay where you are.
You ARE family.
Ahh! No, you're all right, thanks.
Well, fuck off then! I'm only joking! ".
Eight, seven, six" Oh, look quick! Five, four, three, two, one! Happy new year! Should auld acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot For the sake of Auld Lang Syne? For Auld Lang Syne, my dear For Auld Lang Syne We'll take a cup of kindness yet For the sake of Auld Lang Syne For Auld Lang Syne, my dear For Auld Lang Syne We'll take a cup of kindness yet For the sake of Auld Lang Syne For Auld Lang Syne, my dear For Auld Lang Syne We'll take a cup of kindness yet For the sake of Auld Lang Syne! Happy new year! Happy new year!