New Girl s01e09 Episode Script

Ican't believe Jess got me roller skates for Christmas.
I feel so free.
- Don't.
- Let's see this.
"Merry Christmas, Brendan.
Don't swallow these.
Love, Uncle Nick.
" He's a 12-year-old kid, it's a bunch of tacks.
- He's gonna love them.
Give it to me.
- I hate Christmas.
First of all, it means that Hanukkah is over.
I hate it when you guys leave and go home.
- When are you leaving? - I think 4 a.
m.
WlNSTON: Three p.
m.
NlCK: Is that it? Schmidt, don't worry.
We'll hang at your office party.
Please tell me you're not dressing up like Santa.
I'm the only man in the office.
Of course I will.
Look, I like it.
I get all this dirt on my coworkers.
They get drunk and whisper what they want for Christmas and I use that information to undermine them and control them for the rest of the year.
WlNSTON: Ah, true spirit of Christmas.
Winston, you'd better watch it because I will take you down.
You want to go? You want to go? You're gonna take me down? I skated until I was 13 then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.
Let's do this.
WlNSTON: You should not have said that.
- Don't.
- You're wearing roller skates.
- I'm telling you, man.
NlCK: Both of you.
Nothing's smart about what you guys are doing.
Why don't you both act like grown-ups? No, no.
I need your help now.
Get in my car and come to the mall because I need to figure out what to buy Paul for You guys are all wearing the holiday gifts I gave you.
That is so sweet.
I need to take a picture.
- Jess, don't take a photo now.
- So cute.
NlCK: Don't do the photo.
No pictures.
- So cute.
- Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? - Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl? It's Jess Why can't you figure out what to get Paul? I don't know.
We've only been going out for, like, a month so not something fancy.
Do I get him a gag gift or do I get him something sweet? I don't know.
You gotta figure out what you feel about him get a gift that reflects it.
That's the move.
My initial thought was to get him a gift certificate for piping hot sex.
You're being serious? I don't want him to think I'm using him for his body.
I'm sure he'd be okay with that.
"Nerdy weird sex that works for both of us.
" - Give it back.
- Amazing.
I'm gonna keep this.
Cash this in one night and get some weird nerd sex with it.
Oh, my God, thank you.
- I know what I'm getting my mom.
- Oh, my God, Nick.
NlCK: This goes right to my mom.
Why do we have to go to this office party tonight? It's the last night before you guys go home to your families.
We gotta blow this thing out.
It'll be a good opportunity for you to do networking.
Help with the job search.
Everybody's hitting the nog, having a good time, letting loose.
You swoop in there and then boom, new job, man.
That's how things work.
Benjamins in your pocket, la pensione Iittle four-to-the-oh- to-the-one-to-the-kay.
You're making me want to stay broke.
So, what'd you get Paul? I'm not telling you but, um, I'll give you a hint.
It's fuzzy.
I hope you didn't listen to Nick.
He's the worst gift giver ever.
You're welcome.
- Where are we, Jess? JESS: We are on Candy Cane Lane.
At night, the whole block lights up with Christmas decorations.
It's so beautiful.
- Oh, my God, it's so beautiful.
- What fun, what wonderful fun.
Okay, whatever.
We have to come back later.
You'll see what I'm talking about.
Oh, no, we have to go straight from the party to the airport.
- Oh.
- Yes, I've missed my flight four years in a row.
If I miss it this year, my mom's gonna kill me.
- Schmidt, it's a menorah for you.
- Menorah.
Oh, a menorah.
Judaism, son.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLlCKlNG.]
SCHMlDT: Hey, hi.
You look awesome.
It's a before and after for a Bolivian diet pill.
El Glatrax? I've taken that.
- I'm "before.
" - Sure, you are, look at that.
So you said you wanted to see me for something? Yes, I brought you a gift.
I hope you appreciate I have kept eye contact with you whole time and made no reference that you are naked.
- Very proud of you, Schmidt.
KYLE: Hey.
Hey.
- Lot of tongue.
- You done with her hair? No, I'm not the hair guy.
Oh, no, no, this is my very good friend Schmidt and he just came by to bring me a gift, so It's perfume.
Why does it say "Cecilia Number 5"? Actually, it says that because, you know, heh, I made it specifically for you.
Found a place on 3rd Street where you design your perfume.
Base notes of cocoa because of your brown-ness.
Sea salt because it kind of sounds like Cece.
Uh, and sandalwood.
Sandalwood, always up to no good.
- That's, um - Ha, ha.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Neat.
Let's get back to work.
Yeah, okay.
Um - I'll see you tonight.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll see you there.
- We'll do that.
- Three, two, one.
- Three, two, one.
Go.
- Envelope.
- Festive bag.
I was afraid you were gonna get me jewelry, so - Oh, no.
- What is it? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, two tickets to Vienna and passes to the Salzburg Music Festival? That's, like, incredible.
- You're gonna love it.
- I'm speechless.
And, um, all I got you was "Anatomically correct heart of a 50-year-old nonsmoker.
" [TOY HEART BEATlNG.]
- Ha-ha-ha.
- You know what? Normally I'm like really good at giving gifts and I thought that was romantic but it's just so creepy.
I'm sorry, I have to get you something better.
No, it's great, I love it.
It's funny and quirky and so sweet.
It's like you.
That's why I love it.
I love it.
Thank you, I love it.
I I love you.
Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
- You're welcome.
[TOY HEART CONTlNUES BEATlNG.]
NlCK: All dressed up.
What, are you in The Temptations tonight? PAUL: Heh.
- That's so cute, Nick you're intimidated by my style.
But one of us is walking out of here with a job.
- Where you going? - You wore my present.
- I did.
Thank you, I love it.
- Yay! She's seen it now so maybe you can take it off.
- You look like a man.
CECE: I know, right? Good humor and fun, God forbid.
[PEOPLE CHATTERlNG.]
WlNSTON: Is that Schmidt? NlCK: Oh.
- What the? - Hey, guys.
Whoa, whoa.
Schmidt, Santa voice.
This isn't temple.
[lN DEEP VOlCE.]
Ho, ho, ho.
Are those my shorts? [SlGHS.]
NlCK: Hey, what's wrong, Jess? - Hey, Nick.
- Paul told me he loved me.
- Hm.
And I couldn't say it back so l, um, said thank you which was horrible.
I don't know what to do because I am always the one who loves more.
That's my thing.
One time I went on a date and by 11 p.
m I gave the guy my ATM code.
- What is your ATM code? - Four-two Very funny.
Very good try but no.
Not a try, I got it.
If you don't have feelings for Paul, you tell him.
I can't do that to someone on Christmas.
And then it's New Year's.
Then it's gonna be Valentine's Day and then, whoa, it's Presidents' Day.
Hard to argue with that logic, but just tell him.
Don't lead him on, you'll just hurt him more.
Okay.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna tell him.
NlCK: You are? - Yeah.
JESS: Hey, what are you doing in here? CECE: Kyle's being a jerk.
- What are you doing in here? - Eating cookies, avoiding confrontation.
Remember when Christmas was fun and all I had to worry about was my drunk uncle? - Yes, Uncle Pardeep.
- Heh.
- He thought I was a boy.
- Such a weirdo.
[CHRlSTMAS MUSlC PLAYlNG OVER SPEAKERS.]
Okay.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
- How you doing, Paul? - Good.
- Has Jess not talked to you? - Oh, yeah, no, we talked.
- She did, okay.
- Yeah, no Yeah, it's hard, you know, it's really tricky.
It's like she doesn't love you right now, Paul.
But that's not to say she might not fall in love later.
That's the positive way of looking at it but it's hard, man, believe me.
We talked about how we might have to drive you to the airport because you're gonna miss your flight.
Yeah.
That was probably all you guys talked about, so I'm joking.
- Wait a minute.
- Because she-- Yeah, I know, guess what, Paul.
Don't even think right now.
I'm drunk.
- Did Jess tell you that she doesn't love me? - I'm so drunk.
No, shut up, you goofball.
I'm-- This conversation didn't happen.
Did Jess tell you she doesn't love me? Joke.
But he's the best guy, Cece.
Maybe I should just make it work.
Yeah, no, Jess, you can't just dive into something like this right now.
Yeah, I just wish I could stay in this bathroom all night.
Me too.
[WOMAN GRUNTlNG.]
WOMAN: Whew, that eggnog is deadly.
[WOMAN LAUGHS.]
[CECE CHUCKLES.]
- We gotta get out of here.
- Yeah, we do.
I should just put it off till later, after the holidays.
- You coming? - Yeah, I'll be out in a sec.
- Kyle wants to go to this party.
- Ugh, Kyle is the living worst.
CECE: Yeah, I know.
- Did he even get you a gift? No.
[OVER SPEAKERS.]
Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtledoves And a partridge in a pear tree [SNlFFS.]
[COUGHlNG.]
Who wants to sit at a desk all day? Not me, I don't wanna have to do that.
I don't want to call Wednesday "hump day.
" I don't even know how to network.
So, what's your deal, man? Why are you sitting here by yourself? - Mommy won't let me sit in Santa's lap.
- Heh.
You have a smart mommy.
I'm the genius who brought my kid to a Christmas party.
Looking forward to years of therapy over Dirty Santa.
I can't believe he's talking.
He doesn't like anyone.
- I don't like anyone.
- But we're really working on that.
No, she's working on that.
[LAUGHlNG.]
WlNSTON: My man.
KYLE: You think it's fun? Do it.
CECE: I do think it's fun.
KYLE: Do it then.
Do it.
KYLE: Okay.
- What are you doing, Santa? - I have a really bad case of Santa lap.
- Mm.
- The entire marketing department is wearing wool.
It's not good down there.
- Well, get back to work soon.
Boom! - Ow.
Why would you? There are so many bobby pins up there.
Everything's attached.
- Does she always talk to you like that? - Kind of.
- You like dressing up like Santa? - Sexy Santa.
No.
The truth is, no, I don't.
You don't deserve to be treated like that.
You gotta tell her no.
Otherwise, all she'll do is see you as a pretty face and a hot body.
- I'm sorry, what was that? - You have a pretty face.
No, the second part.
I'd like you to say it in an accent but make direct eye contact.
Schmidt, do not push your luck with me.
[SCHMlDT SNlFFS.]
- What's that smell? - That's your perfume.
- You wore it? - Yeah, and it smells terrible.
Ha.
It does smell terrible.
It's like a dirty dish towel.
KlM: Santa voice! - Please just tell me what she said.
- She said the sex is really great.
But she doesn't want to jump into anything.
- Why am I talking about this? - My God, the sex is great, it's amazing.
We had amazing sex this morning and then we ate taro chips.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
I I feel like such a terrible guy for saying that to you, man.
- Oh, my God.
- You're a good guy, Genzlinger.
Hey, man, just let it go.
You know what I mean? - Just let it brush off your shoulders, dude.
PAUL: Oh.
NlCK: What has happened to my life? - Hey.
- Why are you guys hugging? - Just guy-talking.
- Yeah.
JESS: Yeah? NlCK: Everything's fine.
Just talking.
- We're just talking.
About, uh, how moved we are by jazz music.
That's a lie.
- I told him you didn't love him, Jess.
- What? - Because-- - He said it nicely.
JESS: Are you kidding me? It's not your information to share.
NlCK: I regret it.
- Not your information.
- Why would you do that? - You guys have a lot to do.
I'm sorry.
JESS: Oh, my God.
- Please, this is my nightmare! Winston! Schmidt! Help me! Paul, I really care about you.
I think I just feel really overwhelmed.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I know, Nicholas told me.
NlCK: Damn it.
Hey, guys, just pretend I'm not here and do whatever you guys are doing.
I'm not here.
I'm not even listening.
This is my nightmare.
I knew you were getting out of a long relationship.
[MOUTHlNG.]
You told me all about Spencer.
I thought we were feeling the same things.
- You seemed like you were.
- I was.
I just I feel like maybe you were feeling them a little bit more than me.
[DOOR KNOB RATTLlNG.]
Nick! You started this.
Sit down and be quiet! I just, I got really hurt and I'm trying really hard not to get hurt again.
PAUL: I'm not gonna hurt you.
[PHONE RlNGlNG.]
Oh.
Oh.
I am so sorry.
This is as rude as it gets.
It is my mom, though.
Hey, Ma.
How you doing? I can't talk right now.
I'm in a real weird situation.
No, Ma, I'm not high, I'm done with that phase.
I promise you I won't miss my flight.
Okay.
I love you, Mama.
Bye.
- You done? - Mm-hm.
Can we just Can we just keep going but take it a little bit slow? I don't know if I can do that.
I don't know how with you.
- It's just not how I feel.
- All she's asking is slow it down a bit.
- Nick.
- Yeah.
[WOMEN CHUCKLlNG.]
All right, everybody leave the room.
I need to talk to Kim.
Okay, you know what? Actually, stay, this'll be good for you guys to hear too.
- Why-- Don't-- I just told you to stay.
- There are two hours left in this party.
- What are you doing, Santa? - I'm not gonna be Sexy Santa anymore.
It's over.
Santa's dead.
I killed him.
[SCREAMS.]
Oh, my God.
No, don't worry, that's just Gina's cowardly son.
- He is a scream machine.
- Kim, I'm not a sex object, all right? I'm your employee.
And I work harder than anyone.
- I'm the first one to show up every morning.
- No, you're not.
- There's never a parking space.
- Because everyone's already here.
You're so off topic.
You're missing the point.
- You need to take me seriously, Kim.
- That mean no more Sexy Easter Bunny? - No Sexy Easter Bunny.
- What about, uh, Cinco de Sexy? - No Cinco de Sexy.
- And no Sexy Martin Luther King? I can never get the voice, Never felt like I had the authority-- I can't believe it took you five years to say that.
Well, I guess I'm gonna have to be Sexy Santa next year.
Think I just got a jingle bell rock.
You know what I mean? - That is so inappropriate.
- I get it, so you can dish it out but you can't take it.
Yeah, how's that feel, Kim? I like it.
Both these machines need toner.
They need-- I'm gonna put the toner in the machine.
Mrs.
Miller, I told you, I will get Nick to his flight on time.
No worries.
I can't find Elvin.
I looked everywhere.
I have no idea.
Uh, you know what? I gotta go.
Um, he's around somewhere.
We'll find him.
GlNA: Elvin! - You go that way, I'll go that way.
This is Schmidt's fault.
GlNA: Elvin? I'm sorry, Jess, I just, I don't wanna slow down with you.
It's just not natural.
So if you need to, then I don't think I can do this anymore.
Okay.
Come on, Paul! - It's Christmas.
Don't break up with her.
- It's okay, Nick.
It's okay.
[PAUL SlGHS.]
Hey, have you guys seen a little kid running around here? [NlCK CHUCKLlNG.]
Thank you.
[OVER SPEAKERS.]
O come all ye faithful Joyful and triumphant Aha.
I see you found Santa's house.
I was looking for it.
- The man with no shirt killed Santa.
- Oh, heh, you mean Schmidt.
- He was just dressing up like Santa.
- Then why didn't he have a shirt? We ask ourselves that question every single day.
Is it because he's a D-bag? Mommy says he's a D-bag.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know something? You're a really smart kid.
And for that, Santa's gonna bring you extra presents this year.
- Really? - Yeah.
Thank you, LeBron.
- Okay, cool, I'll be LeBron.
- You found him! WlNSTON: Yeah.
- Hi! - [WHlSPERlNG.]
Extra gifts this year.
- You're really good at this.
Seriously.
If you ever want to hang out with Elvin again I will pay you a lot of money.
Let's go.
- A lot.
- [lN NORMAL VOlCE.]
Thank you.
Like, whatever you're thinking, add money to that because that's what l-- Like, a lot.
- Bye, Elvin.
- Bye, LeBron.
Yep.
[PHONE RlNGlNG.]
[CHUCKLES.]
What up, Mrs.
Miller? Yes.
We're on our way right now so just go back to sleep.
We're getting Nick to the airport.
WlNSTON: What airline has flights that leave at 4 a.
m.
? NlCK: Oh, the kind that I can afford.
- What's that smell? - It's nothing.
- That's my perfume.
- Oh, God, that is bad.
But the weird kind of bad that makes you want to smell it again.
- There's something we gotta do.
Sorry.
SCHMlDT: What are you doing, man? [TlRES SCREECHlNG.]
You're going in the wrong direction! WlNSTON: You do this every single year, man! - I think we're too late, Nick.
- This was supposed to be your gift, Jess.
I screwed it up.
I'm sorry.
Candy Cane Lane is shut down.
Should've got her perfume, man.
Nice, Schmidt.
- Man.
- Yeah.
I have the worst timing.
I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time.
- Let's go.
We should go.
- No, we don't-- Jess, no.
It's Christmas.
It's our Christmas.
We came here to see the lights.
JESS: Well, what are we gonna do? WlNSTON: Yeah, what are you doing? JESS: What are you doing? WlNSTON: Come on.
- Why would they turn them off? - lt doesn't make sense to me.
WlNSTON: Nick, we don't got time for this.
- Excuse me, guys? - Oh, hell, no.
We got a girl out here who'd really like to see the lights! Sorry to wake you up! This is rude! Make it the Candy Cane Lane or whatever! You spend all this time to show off and do it, so show off, you got an audience! - This whole neighborhood is ridiculous! - Heh, heh.
You all show off so turn on the lights! Just go in the shed or whatever and turn your damn lights on, you show-offs! - Turn on your lights! NlCK: Turn on the lights! Flip the switch! SCHMlDT: Turn on your lights! NlCK: Turn them on! WlNSTON: Hey! CECE: Turn on your lights! - Turn on your lights! NlCK: Turn on your lights! - Turn on your lights! SCHMlDT: Turn on your lights! JESS: Turn on the lights, everybody! NlCK: Turn on the lights! JESS: Turn on your lights.
That snowman is dead.
- Turn on the lights, everybody! - You got too much time on your hands.
[YELLlNG.]
[ALL YELLlNG AND WHOOPlNG.]
Oh, my God! And mistletoe And presents on the tree Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! Yes! Christmas Eve will find me WlNSTON: It's good! - Merry Christmas.
- Ha, ha.
Merry Christmas, boys.
- Merry Christmas, everyone! JESS: Merry Hanukkah! Merry Christmas.
MAN: Merry Christmas.
Now stop yelling before I call the cops! Oh, my God.
- Appreciate it.
- Merry Christmas, buddy.
[NlCK LAUGHlNG.]
Candy Cane Lane is the crème de la crème of decorated streets.
CECE: Amazing.
- Hey, Ma! How are you? Yeah.
No, I'm gonna miss my flight.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
No.
Ma, stop yelling at me, please stop yelling.
Ma, I'm not high! Stop yelling! I'm driving a car.
I can't talk.
Hey, remember Winston? Winston, it's my ma.
Talk to her.
WlNSTON: Hey, what up, Mrs.
Miller? You know, I wrote a poem about you.
You wanna hear it?