New Girl Episode Scripts

N/A - Hubbedy Bubby

1 This loft has devolved into chaos.
You promised me if we had sex this morning, you wouldn't get riled up.
Sex was great.
But look at all this mail.
Small-time drug dealers are more organized than this.
Oh, my God, my uncle Lee got married.
This is what I'm talking about.
Oh, my God, he died.
Cece, what if that had been one of your college acceptance letters? I'm transferring to a four year university.
It's no big deal.
It's huge.
You graduated from a community college.
It was a sight to behold.
[clears throat] - Cece Parikh.
- That's me.
- [air horn blares] - Yay! I'm not gonna let you lose out because our roommates are a bunch of railway cats.
Clear your schedule.
We're organizing.
I'm campaigning with Jess today.
Let's get ready to Rodham! ["Pump Up the Jam" by Technotronic plays] Y'all ready for this election? - [vocalizes] - What on Earth are you celebrating? It's okay.
We know you're voting for Trump.
Not on your life, nor am I voting for that flip-flopping helmet head in a pantsuit.
I'm only focused on one election.
The election that matters: Paul Ryan 2020.
JESS: All right.
While you sit this one out, Cece and I are gonna register new voters and help Hillary prove that a woman's place is in the house BOTH: The White House.
The people's voice must be heard and that's what I've always believed.
As I see it, we have two choices.
Continue eating this pig slop that they call butterscotch pudding or we can raise our voices and demand for locally-sourced, candied, Oregon apples! [cheering] You can silence me, but you can't silence the people! This is not P.
Hippie Montessori.
Nobody cares anymore.
Democracy is dead.
Wha If you get five new voters, hell, you know what, I'll vote for Hillary.
Excuse me? Things just got interesting.
But if you don't, you have to vote for Winston.
Bishop? Winston Bishop? Game on, you Republican minx.
Hey, guys, if I win, I just want you to know there will be some things that come out about me.
Just ride it out.
Reagan's in Seattle.
Aly's at Quantico.
And here we are, you and me, working that long "D".
The long what now? We're working the what? The long "D".
Long distance relationships.
I mean, Aly and I have got it down to an art.
Really? 'Cause I'm I'm really struggling.
In New Orleans, Reagan and I had such an easy time talking, but now there's so much pressure that we just text.
Just talk on the phone.
I hate talking on the phone, Winston.
I feel like I'm exposing my turd pipe.
- What? - I just know that I feel cold - and I'm terrified.
- Look, man you got to understand something about the long "D".
At first, it's very hard.
Okay? It's a lot to take.
But the long "D" in the end is [chuckling] very much worth it.
You have to see what you're doing here.
Right now you're having problems.
I'm not.
You know why? 'Cause you love the long "D".
I've adjusted to the long "D".
- Okay.
- Sometimes it's rough.
Yeah, can be bumpy road sometimes, man.
The long "D" can be bumpy.
- Ooh! - Sometimes there's unexpected curves.
- Don't I know it.
- But once it breaks you down a little bit, you learn to like the long "D".
You're gonna say something like that? You get used to it is what I'm saying.
I think I'm done with this.
[Cece chuckles] Hello.
JESS: Hello.
Two canvassers reporting for duty.
Jessica Day, school administrator.
Cecilia Parikh, community college graduate, soon to be transferred to a four year university.
I don't have time for this.
Well, actually She doesn't know which one yet.
Yeah, I haven't been accepted.
I don't have time to listen to you.
Oh, no.
Just be respectful, informative.
Hillary Clinton was born in 1947 and her parents are Hugh and Dorothy.
Woman won a Grammy.
That's a fact.
BOTH: Takes a village.
Try phone duty.
Quick question.
I've perfected five different, assertive, female voices.
You tell me which one you'd like me to use.
[high-pitched]: Hi.
[in a deep voice]: Hey.
[in a British accent]: Good day.
[in a deep voice]: 'Sup.
That was one.
What is so genius about the new system is that it's completely self-explanatory.
Now, let's say you get a heating bill.
- Where does it go? - Oh.
[chuckles] Didn't know I was gonna be quizzed.
Loft bills.
That's right.
And do not put that in the old mail, soy sauce, dead battery drawer.
Wh What? What? What is this drawer? Take me to the drawer, Winston.
Where is it? [gasps dramatically] I didn't The hell is this? Uh some some of everything.
When you cut the belly open of a shark and just everything topples out.
Have you people all just given up? Well, hang on.
It's Cal State L.
This is Cece's first admissions letter.
- Oh.
- I got to get this to her.
Winston! I hope you're happy! I showed her my turd pipe.
I don't know what's going on in your lives, but we need to start eating dinner together again.
You got in my head.
I decided to call Reagan and it went horribly.
Hi, this is Nick.
Yeah, Nick Miller, boyfriend.
[imitating Southern accent]: What you got? Why am I talking this way? Hi.
Talking, me talking.
You listening, you listening.
[talking incoherently] Next thing I knew, I was saying the words "phone" and "sex" and now she expects phone sex.
- Nick, relax, man.
- Help me.
I'm screwed, Winston.
I'm gonna lose her.
My friend, you are not gonna lose her, okay? Phone sex is old school.
That's how our nanas got nasty.
True, true, true.
They'd be like, "What you wearing, Gertrude?" She'd be like, "My bloom bloomers.
Pull down those trousers and let me see that thing.
" [chuckles] But thanks to technology, hmm, there's plenty other ways you can get sensual with your lady.
Welcome to the Winston Bishop Clinic for Satellite Sexual Intercourse.
Eh? This is how you do phone sex? Video sex, Nick.
Beautiful girl on a beautiful day in Hawaii.
Let's make love for the Japanese bombers.
Oh, my God! They're bombing us! No! No! - You know we share a wall, right? - Mm On envelopes.
Really? Ugh.
We are not making a damn diff in here, Cece.
Stuffing paper.
If ten-year-old Jess could see me now You know, she'd be really proud of your knockers.
I never saw that coming.
Well, that's a fair point.
I did exceed expectations.
- Mm.
- But you know what? We need to get off the bench and we need to go prove Schmidt wrong.
So, we need a list of potential new voters and I know just the tired, cranky broad who has one.
Thought you could use a hot cup.
So, when the dust settles, what's, uh what's next for the supervisor? My name is Mary Ellen and I haven't thought about myself in weeks.
Oh, well, best of luck.
Piece of cake, Cece.
Sign up five new voters.
We'll be done by noon.
Yes! Yes! Hi, do you have a minute to talk about Hillary? I'm voting for her.
Would you like to Hillary Cli Yes? - [chuckles] - You know who you look like? I am not Bernie Sanders.
I am Marshall Stevens and for the last year and a half, my life has been a living hell! - [door slams] - Okay.
So, this is what all the kids are talking about these days? - Yep.
- Video sex? Do you clean this thing regularly? I thi - Why are you looking up? - [phone chiming] That's her.
She wants to do it now.
[whooping] I like her style.
A little afternoon delight.
Okay, let's pick out a backdrop.
Where do you want to get naughty? Paris? Rome? - Huh? Drink a little tea? - That's not sexy.
Afric nah, you don't want to Outer space? You can do it in space? Oh, yes, Nick.
You can.
And you will.
JESS: Wait.
This is a sorority house.
It's probably a house full of unregistered voters.
I hear you, I do, but there's nothing scarier to me than sorority girls.
Hey, you got the keg? 'Cause we're almost tapped and I'm like, "What?" [clears throat] Um, are you ladies planning to vote? Yeah, bye.
[door closes] - Is she gone? - [phone buzzing] I stood frozen like you're supposed to when you see a bear in the woods.
Hold on a sec.
Hey, babe.
Where are you? I'm I'm at the Phish concert that you call a campaign office.
And I have your first admissions letter! We're just actually out canvassing right now.
I'll open it when I get home.
That's not gonna work for me.
I'm gonna open it now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Well, don't Sorry.
I can't hear you over the sound of me opening it.
You got into college! You got into college! I got into college.
- You got into college? - [chuckling] Cece got into college.
Ah, whatever.
[whispering]: Don't tell Schmidt we haven't gotten any new voters.
- Tell Jess that I'm not surprised, - Okay.
And her whispers are like screams.
- Hey! - Whoa.
All right.
The day's not done.
Money and special interests, Jess.
Let me hear you say it: democracy is dead.
Democracy is alive.
He got where I was going.
Let's find you a home.
Thank you.
SUPERVISOR: Uh, we lost a couple of deadbeats over in envelopes.
We need you there.
I'm not one of you people.
I'm very sorry.
I'm a Repu Hmm.
I'm repulsed by that garbage dump you call an envelope station.
Then organize it.
[phones ringing] [singsongy]: I'm-a make a system.
I couldn't see the smug look on Schmidt's face, but I could feel it.
I'll be damned if I cast a vote for Bishop-Furguson.
Wait, where-where are you going? Back to the coven of Greek sirens.
I say we go in hard, with the violent history of the suffragette, and then, we ease into some light reproductive rights.
That is one way to do it.
Or Who's ready to party? And gab about the kind of world we want to leave our grandchildren! Hopefully one that's full of parties! [cheering] You're gonna graduate soon, okay? So, this is your turn to really speak up - and make a difference - And it's your turn to drink! Oh, okay.
All right, just, um, okay I love you, booze girl.
Take a shot! - Oh, no.
I don't - Shot! I don't want to take a shot, but I do want you to sign up to vote.
I can't sign it if you don't take a shot.
That's such a good argument.
[sighs] Oh All right.
You all have ten shots and I have one.
But, if you share the wealth, then we can all throw up together.
And that's called redistribution.
- [cheering] - That's what I'm saying! Ah, you're welcome! [laughs] [all chanting]: Booze girl, booze girl, booze girl, booze girl, booze girl, booze girl Oh, bingo.
I feel sexy.
Can I, uh, practice some sex talk I've been working on? Pretend you're Reagan.
[exhales] Take off your space pants, I want to do sex with you over this video thing.
Don't overthink it.
Okay I can't see anything in here, but - here goes nothing.
- [phone ringing] In ten hours, I'll be dead.
I'm headed straight to the sun, which is actually a star.
But it's our star.
And it's worth saving.
Nick? Anyway here's my penis.
Oh! [screams] Nick, put it Nick, what are you doing? - [yelling] No! No! - Where's Winston? - This is my nightmare! - [Aly screams] Face your fears, Nick! Talk to Reagan! It's not Reagan, it's Aly.
Let me out! No, no.
Aly? Don't look! Close your eyes! - [Nick and Winston yelling] - ALY: Is that a comet? What Oh, wow! Look at me, baby.
Look at me.
I feel like I should tell you, I saw the whole thing.
SCHMIDT: One, two, three.
Jenise, we just We don't touch this pile.
We touch those piles.
Thank you.
'Lopes! Excellent.
What are you doing here? You're interrupting.
I like your work, new guy.
I need you on the phones.
What about my 'lopes? Nope.
Just read the script.
Okay, fine.
But only one call.
That's it.
And then I'm taking my talents back to mailers.
Yes, hello.
I'm calling to remind you to vote for a better America and a vote for a better America is a vote for Hubbedy Bubbedy.
Hillary Clinton.
That's what I said.
Hibiddy Bibbidy.
It's Hillary.
- Yes, I know.
- Hillary Clinton! And I keep saying that.
Okay? Hubbedy Barry.
Maria Conchita Alonso.
What's wrong with you? Celery Flintstone.
I can't do this! Vote for Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan! Give me that.
Paul Ryan in 20 2020, for President of the United States.
Paul Ryan in 2020! Pau Paul Ryan in 2020.
President of the United States.
Paul Ryan in 2020! Paul Ryan! Paul Ryan in 20 [struggling] Get off of me! You smell like a wet campsite.
[Schmidt yelling, other exclaiming] Thank you.
Excuse me, would you like to talk about Oh, my God! - Jessica? - Cece! - Jessica? - Oh I feel like I haven't seen you in so long.
Like, in years.
- You look friggin' amazing! - Shut up! Truly, like, the best I've ever seen you.
- Shut up, - Keep doing whatever you are doing.
- You bitch! I love you.
- Phenomenal.
- I love you.
- Phenomenal.
But you know what else I love? - Mm, what? - These signatures! - Hey! - Oh, my God.
- That's what I'm talking about! - Oh, my God.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yes! Yes! - Those! Plus all these.
Schmidt, we beat you! Bye! Yeah.
Yeah, we beat him! And you know what else? I'm coming with you to college 'cause sorority girls love me.
Just ask my new besties Anita Wang! Ivana Getsum.
[sighs] Ah, hell.
Jessica damn Day.
All of those names are fake.
What a freaking buzz kill.
You didn't see that when they wrote it down there? - You're so great, let me look at yours.
- You check your facts.
Check - Check it.
- Melanie Fart signed yours five times.
Who wrote Melanie Fart? They think ma-democracy's a joke! - Democracy's not a joke! - No.
It's the system by which we live! Ladies! I'm yelling from a balcony! Your female forebears fought to give you a voice.
One of them threw herself in front of a horse.
A horse! Jess, come down, okay? You're drunk, they're all drunk.
I'm drunk.
We lost the bet.
This is not about the bet, this is about America! [sighs] Here we go.
Now, you ladies can sit on the sidelines and let someone else dictate your futures, or you can speak up and take charge of your lives.
Now, if you're not willing to do that, then shame on you.
But if you are, then I want to hear your voice.
Where are you Ivana Getsum? How about-how about you, Anita Wang? [women chuckling] Show your face, Melanie Fart.
Where you at? Are you serious? We had a real moment.
How about, um Babaloo Softlock? - Holden D.
Cankles, where - WOMAN: I'm here! Burt Tacomeat? Jackie Rectum? Boobs Gargler? Diaria Jones? Oprahs' friend Gayle? Yaseen Maboobs? Claude Balls? WOMAN 2: Here! Well, I'm booze girl, and booze girl wants to hear your voices! ALL [chanting]: Booze girl! Booze girl! Booze girl! Booze girl! Booze girl! All right, now I need your real signatures! The forms are all filled up.
Well, then let's march to the headquarters! [cheering and whooping] [cheering and whooping continues] [sighs] Hey, buddy, we doing all right? Yeah, never better.
Aly saw my ass in space, Reagan still wants to have phone sex with me, and I just panic-ordered $200 worth of Chinese food.
You know what, man? That's on me, I I pushed you to use my style when I should have encouraged you to use your own.
Winston, if I had any style, I would call my girlfriend instead of using my best friend's electronic sex shed.
"Every moment you're on this Earth, is a moment I know where you are.
" You know who wrote that? The great James Baldwin.
No, you wr James Baldwin? What? Look, man, you sent me these cards when I was playing basketball in Latvia.
And, I don't know, I kept all of them.
They're beautiful, man.
"I screamed your name at the ocean today, then I ate a sandwich that tasted like your smile.
" I wrote that to you? Yeah.
Boy, we used to be a lot closer.
This is your style, man.
Use it.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, Reagan, this is Nick Miller.
You said you wanted phone sex, so, here you go.
Here's your phone sex.
Get ready to, uh, have a an orgasm, I guess.
When I'm done with, uh I'll just start.
You are a real sandwich lady, and I want to scream your name across the ocean.
WINSTON: Ooh, hoo! That's nice.
Oh, yeah, that's that's Winston.
Yeah, he's in here to help, he's actually been very helpful.
- What's up, girl? - He says "What's up, girl?" Oh, yeah, I'll def Yeah, makes perfect sense.
You need to leave right now.
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Bye, Reagan.
No, Winston, I mean it.
She brings up a valid point.
- We're about to do phone sex, and - I'm walking out All right, Winston, take off.
- Sure.
For sure.
- No, Winston, I mean it.
This is me telling you as Nick.
- I would like you to leave.
- As Nick.
Ooh! Hit the road.
- Oh, for real? - Yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
- All right, then.
Oh, hey, hey, before I go, it may be bad timing, but you want to grab brunch with my boy Willy tomorrow? No.
I'll talk to you later.
- I don't want to.
- You'll change your mind.
[laughs] This is awesome.
I hope we get to meet Ivanka.
I love her shoes.
Ivanka? Yeah, Donald's daughter.
We all love her.
And we love the Donald! ALL: Trump! [cheering] Oh, okay, what do we do? What do we do? What do we do? Turn right! [all cheering, shouting] [cheering continues] Right, run! - Right, right.
- Whoo! You can register online.
Democracy lives! Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
Are we going in the right direction? Doesn't matter.
Keep running.
I mean, you helped those girls find their voice, you know, it just wasn't the one that you wanted.
You helped me find my voice, too.
I'm not sure you're gonna want to hear that one either.
- What do you mean? - I don't want to go to college.
- What? - When Schmidt opened my letter, I could hear the excitement in his voice, and I could see it in your face, but - Cece - I felt nothing.
Schmidt, please talk some sense to your wife.
She says she doesn't want to go to college, but tell her that a four-year education No, okay, look, Jess, Jess, I know school is your life, okay, and I respect that, you know that I do, but we're different people.
I don't want to be stuck in a classroom.
I want to be out in the world working with people.
I just really need you both to support me.
I support you.
I will always support you.
I mean, this sort of ruins my dream of taking you in a dorm room, but A dorm room? Did you think I was gonna move out? - I thought - Cece I want what's best for you, so if this is what you want It is.
Trust me.
Booze girl loves you.
Oh, I love you, booze girl.
I love you, too.
- What? - What is this? This is a memento from a dark period.
Hey, Winston, I lost the bet.
I'm gonna be voting for you.
And I'm scared to ask, what is your platform? Well, first of all, I just want to say that my portrait, it will be silly.
And I will change the national anthem to something like this.
[falsetto]: Oh, yeah America Schmidt, please don't make me do this.
I have to vote for Hillary.
Get, get, get, get America, America.
- All right, but a bet is still a bet.
- Then I will hire, 'cause [Impersonating Trump] You're fired.
You are fired.
You're a loser.
What can I say.
It's sad.
Your car is huge.
It's beautiful.
It's huge Someone just jump the curb and hit me now.
How much longer do I have to do this Schmidt?