Nightcap (2016) Episode Scripts

Match Game

1 A Pop original.
[lively trumpet music] [solemn orchestral music] [indistinct chatter] [dramatic tone] [solemn music] - What? - What? You gonna introduce us to your little friend? I had a small squamous cell carcinoma removed.
Definitely gotta tag this "NSFW.
" Not safe for work, because it's disgusting.
Is your squamous Andrew Cuomos Is that cancer? It was cancer.
It has been removed.
You know what? I hate cancer.
I'll say it.
And it's ironic, 'cause I am a Cancer, horoscope-wise, so I'm the Cancer who hates cancer.
Okay, can we please stop saying "cancer"? Typical bossy Virgo.
[chuckles] Davis, I'm fine.
Yes, I had to pay out of pocket because insurance wouldn't cover it, but I am waiting for the doctor to call me back and tell me how much this cancer is gonna cost me.
- Please! - You guys didn't know? Davis is a raging hypochondriac and a germaphobe.
Super fun.
Maybe for Davis' sake, we could all just call it the C word from now on.
Isn't the C word "cunt"? [all gasp] It's definitely "cunt.
" [all gasp] You know, my mother used to call the whole cheerleading squad a bunch of raging C words.
I don't think she meant cancer.
[inhales slowly] I read a story about a kid who was bald from sickness, and everyone - shaved their heads in solidarity.
- Nice.
Penny, I don't want youto shave your head for me.
I'm not.
I'm gonna put a bandage on my lips so everyone knows that I'm on Team Staci.
Um, Penny, you don't need to do that.
I insist.
Do you have an extra bandage? - No.
- Do you mind if I run out real quick to CVS? Ooh, can you pick up some panty liners for my wife? I just hate buying that girly stuff.
It makes me feel weird.
And can you get me one of those Pedialyte ice sticks? I feel like a Popsicle.
Actually, can you pick up a sugar-free Red Bull as well? - [all talking at once] - I'll take a bag of sand.
I'll have some hand sanitizer.
We're not going to CVS! Guys, we have a great show tonight.
We have Alec and Hilaria Baldwin.
Alec's gonna be promoting his new movie, and Hilaria will be doing a yoga segment.
Let's just let's just have a fun night, okay? And please don't say the word "cancer" in front of Davis.
- Staci - Yes, cunt? [all gasp] From Studio 9B in the heart of New York City, it's "Nightcap with Jimmy.
" Tonight, the multitalented and very intimidating Alec Baldwin, America's favorite downward dogger, Hilaria Baldwin.
Turn off the studio smoke detectors.
Jimmy sets stuff on fire.
And now, number five in the ratings but number one in our hearts, here's Jimmy! [cheery orchestral music] [knock at door] - Hey, Hilaria, hi.
- Hi.
Hi, oh, I just wanted to make sure you had everything, you know, sheep's milk or bran or oats.
No, I'm I'm good.
I'm good.
I'm great.
- Great, great.
- I'm great.
- How how are you? - Oh-oh, I know.
Gross.
It's a squamous cell carcinoma.
- A squamous cell carcinoma.
- Yes.
Oh, my God, are you okay? Oh, you know, I just I hate looking in the mirror, but I always hated looking in the mirror, so Oh, my goodness, you poor thing.
Yeah, well, I guess guys aren't gonna be knocking down the door to date me.
Oh, I'm sure you're gonna have no problem.
- Oh, you're so ooh.
- [cell phone ringing] - I'm so sorry.
- No, go for it.
- It's my doctor.
- Go for it.
I'm not looking forward to this call.
Hello.
What? That is much worse than I thought.
[groans] $3,000 to scrape off a mole? Are you insane? What's wrong with Staci? Did she get some bad news? - She has cancer.
- Oh, no.
- I know.
- No wonder she looked ten years older since I was here last summer.
Alec, she's feeling very self-conscious.
Talk to her.
Make her feel pretty.
Baby, you are like an angel sent from heaven.
You are so kind and so loving, and even though you get pregnant every time we have sex, make love to me on the floor right now.
Alec, promise me.
Talk to her.
Honey, I'm an actor.
Of course I'm gonna make her feel special.
I'm gonna make her feel loved.
I'm gonna turn on the old Baldwin charm.
You mean the Alec Baldwin charm? Oh, yes, not the Danny, Billy, or Stephen Baldwin charm.
No, no, no, no.
Um, we have a few minutes.
- [grunts] Pretzel me.
- [giggles] [solemn music] [groaning] Phil, what the hell are you doing? This is how I handle my anxiety.
Aren't there better ways to handle anxiety than rocking like that? Rocking is the only thing that works for me.
- Also, heroin.
- Hmm.
But rocking's a lot easier to quit.
Actually makes a lot of sense.
So, um, what's the problem? My supervisor is coming.
Apparently, I'm gonna get reprimanded for who knows what.
Yeah, I never met your supervisor.
Is he tough? He's not a he.
He's a she.
- [laughs] - And she's very tough.
"Tough's" not even the word for it.
She's mean.
She's belittling and cruel and inhumane.
- [laughs] - She's a bully.
You're acting this way because of a woman? Sexist.
What happened to your balls, bro? They never properly descended, but sometimes when I'm on a bounce house, one of 'em kinda pops out.
Okay, let me give you some advice here, all right? Oh, I know.
I know.
Don't go to a bounce house.
It makes you look like a pedophile.
No, ew.
It's about bullying, man.
See, you gotta stand up to your bullies.
You gotta show 'em that you're not scared.
But I am scared.
All right, dude, you gotta man up.
You know what I mean? Just, like [upbeat music] Yeah.
Wait, you never man up to Jimmy.
[scoffs] That's different.
I mean Nah, it's actually exactly the same thing.
No, Jimmy doesn't yell and and scold me to be mean.
He just does it so other people can laugh.
Hey, I got a good idea.
I'm gonna talk to that supervisor for ya.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
Uh, I insist.
I'm gonna show you how easy it is to stand up to a bully.
What are you gonna say? What am I gonna say? I'm gonna be like, "Yo, you suck.
" [chuckles] "You suck.
" "You suck.
" [chuckles] "And if you keep picking on Phil, you're gonna have to answer to me.
" Ooh, yes, girl! Yeah, I'm a guy, but yeah.
Carlo? Alec, hi, I just wanted to drop off a sketch that Jimmy wants to do tonight.
It's, uh, kind of a parody of "Glengarry Glen Ross," except he wants to play your part, so you're gonna have to play Alan Arkin.
[chuckles] That Jimmy is a handful.
[laughs] Did you say handful or asshole? [both laugh] You really are delightful, Miss Cole.
- Oh.
- Do do you mind if I call you Staci? Oh, my God, it would be a pleasure.
I want you to know that I really do cherish, Staci, the time that we spend together whenever I do "Nightcap.
" - You do? - Yeah.
You're very, very interesting.
Tell me something about you that I don't know.
- About me? - Yeah.
- Um, I hate cilantro.
- Me too.
- [exhales excitedly] - It smells like balls.
Oh, I've never smelled balls.
To me, it smells like soap.
Soap that you rub on your balls, right? Yeah, something else.
Tell me.
Um, okay, well, I I'm really trying to have a life outside of "Nightcap," and I'm thinking about writing a series of novellas about European river cruises.
- Write what you know.
- Well, I've never been on one.
Or use your imagination.
That is brilliant, Staci.
You are like a ray of sunshine in an otherwise cloudy day.
- Me, sunshine? - Yes.
- You.
- Oh.
- Your smile, your laugh - Oh, [laughs] - Your essence.
Your essence.
- Oh.
You exude a sexuality that is very appealing.
[smooth instrumental music] - I do? - Mm-hmm.
I've gotta go back to my dressing room - and talk to Hilaria.
- Mm-hmm.
But I hope we'll be able to finish our conversation, because there is so much more I'd like to, uh, get into with you.
Okay.
[dynamic music] See, I like to organize our guests by astrological sign.
Kathy Griffin is a Scorpio, which is why we never book her on the show.
Um, Penny, I need to speak to you privately.
Staci, I don't think I need to tell you how unprofessional you're being.
Being exclusionary in the workplace only breeds resentment.
You're right, Davis.
I'm sorry.
So what's so important? I have a fever.
Hepatitis.
Okay, I'm gonna give you the room.
Staci, I'm so sorry about your fever and hepatitis.
It's fine.
I just wanted to get Davis out of here.
Oh, no, you are a little warm.
Penny, listen to me.
I think Alec Baldwin wants me.
Wants you? Wh-what do you mean? Alec Baldwin wants to do me.
Really? Um, what makes you think that? Um, 'cause he was all flirting with me.
He was like, "I like your sensuality," and I was like, "Oh, come on.
" [laughs] And then he was like, "I wanna go deep into you.
" Well you do exude a sensuality.
- I do? - I mean, don't you? I do.
I don't know what to do.
Well, the heart wants what it wants.
I know, but it's not just the heart that wants it.
It's also I think I know what you're talking about, - but you could elaborate.
- Okay, here's the thing, okay? He's married, but I think we're meant to be, you know? He's with a much younger wife.
I mean, come on, what do they do all day? Exercise and eat sushi and have tons of sex? [giggling] Ooh! That sounds a little fun.
Uh, yeah, for, like, 5, 20, 50 years.
But wait, don't they have kids? - He has so many.
- Well, then, Staci, it's wrong.
It's wrong.
- So very wrong.
- So very wrong.
Thank you, Penny.
You've been so helpful.
Perhaps if we just had sex once.
- No.
- Excellent point.
Thank you.
But he smells like a throbbing wet saddle.
- No.
- Damn it.
[lively trumpet music] You know what? I'm feeling good about this, Todd.
I'm glad you're gonna talk to Marlene.
- Yeah.
- I'd be even okay if you got a little physical.
Oh, dude, I know what you're saying, okay? I'm not gonna give her any noogies or, uh, wet willies or swirlies or birlies or any of that stuff.
What's a birly? It's when you take her arm and throw her into a bear.
But I'm not gonna do that, man.
I'm just gonna, like, use words, Phil, you know? Hey, funny thing about words is, sometimes they hurt more than the worst noogie in the world.
[mechanical whirring] [tense music] Hello, Phil.
Hello, Marlene.
Uh uh, this is Todd, and he's gonna have some words with you.
About what? - Hello.
- Hi Hello! Is this dick for brains even able to talk? I'm Todd.
Wow, fascinating.
What a personality.
You listen to me, you fucking human turd - Oh.
- Do you think I wanna come down here and have to look at your stupid face? I won't be able to eat for a week thinking about it, with your giant douchey gums and your sweaty lips.
This is when you really lay into her.
Well, I think he's wearing Chap Stick.
Was I talking to you? How about I punch you so hard, your vagina bleeds? - Oh! - What? Yeah.
- I don't have a - You want that? You want a piece of me? What? Bring it! I didn't think so.
I'm gonna start writing a report on you.
Meet me here at 5:00, and bring some tissues, 'cause I have a feeling when we're done, you're gonna be crying like the big lanky pussy that you are.
[wheelchair whirring] Yeah, the rocking's nice, but we should probably score some heroin pretty soon.
[energetic percussive music] So did you make her feel special? I think so, but I couldn't tell.
She just stood there with this stupid look on her face.
- Alec, she has cancer.
- I know.
She's probably suffering from chronic pain, the poor thing.
Maybe I can help her.
You are an incredible person.
I am such a lucky man.
Looks, talent and I have you.
[smooth instrumental music] Oh, Hilaria, hi.
- Hi.
- [laughs] - Staci, what's up? - Well, I'll I'll let you guys I-I had the wrong door.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna go.
No, no, come on in.
Come, sit.
Yeah.
Join us.
[chuckles] [laughs] Hilaria and I were talking, and she had a wonderful idea.
Why don't you let her stretch you out a little bit? - Yeah.
- Stretch me out? - [Both:] Yeah.
- Don't worry.
She knows her way around the body.
But let her get in there and just open you up.
I mean, really open you up.
It's gonna be great.
- So, now, I gotta run.
- [gasps] And you two gorgeous creatures have some fun, okay? And, baby, don't be afraid to go really, really deep.
Si, mi amor.
Oh, Jesus.
[laughs nervously] - So come.
- Oh, oh.
Come, lay down.
Come on the mat.
- Oh, we're gonna do this now? - Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
- Really great.
Oh, so good.
I haven't done this since camp.
I'm sure you're gonna be great.
- Okay.
- It all comes back.
- Inhale - [inhales slowly] And exhale out.
- Oh, that tingles.
- So good.
- All right, now come sit back.
- Okay.
All the way back.
Really good.
Now we're just doing Savasana, so relax your shoulders, palms faceup.
Nice work.
Now I'm gonna press on to your hips.
Okay.
Oh, my goodness.
- Really good.
- Okay.
Breathe into it.
Breathe inhale.
Oh! Oh! Good work.
Exhale.
Good.
Inhale.
Oh! Are those baby carrots? - They're for the guests.
- You may have grown-up carrots.
Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, I gotta talk to you.
[energetic percussive music] Listen, Alec Baldwin does not wanna have an affair with me.
- He doesn't? - No.
They want a threesome.
But [lively trumpet music] I'm telling you, the Baldwins wanna have a ménage à trois.
Um - congratulations.
- Yes.
Hey, guys, what's up? - Hey, Oz.
- Nothing.
Nothing, except Alec and Hilaria Baldwin wanna have a threesome avec moi.
- Makes complete sense.
- It does? Well, yeah, she's completely nonthreatening.
I mean, Alec has everything.
Hilaria's like a choice cut of filet mignon, and you're like a hamburger.
[solemn music] A Kobe beef hamburger? No, the the kind they have at at Burger King, where maybe it's been under the heat lamp too long.
It's gotten a little dry and brittle, and you're worried about getting food poisoning if you eat it.
That that kind.
Okay, well, uh, the point is, somebody wants to order off the dollar menu.
I-I think your being with them will make 'em appreciate the perfection of their bodies - that much more.
- Exactly! Mama's gonna go lube up.
[giggles] Well, um, at her age, lubrication is essential.
[energetic percussive music] [camera shutter clicks] [sent message tone whooshes] Why do you need to sanitize your hands if you're using a spoon? I don't like to get sick.
Kills productivity.
There's a lot of people here, a lot of germs flying around.
[solemn music] Hey, Phil, what's up? Well, since you asked, I do need a favor.
- Okay.
- My boss is here, and she's gonna write a bad report about me.
Will you talk to her and smooth things over? Todd said she's a bitch on wheels Literally.
Smoothing things over is what I do.
I'd be happy to, Phil.
Oh, thank you so much, David.
And if you ever need anything, you got it.
My name is Davis.
Okay, great, Davis.
You talk to my boss, and I'll call you by your real name.
[energetic percussive music] [smooth jazz music] [sniffs] [exhales] Oh, hey, hey, you guys.
Staci, what's going on? I know what you want, and I'm in.
What do we want? [laughing] You know.
Um I don't know what that is.
Are we playing charades maybe? Um, don't you guys want a three-way? - Oh, God, no! - No, no.
I mean, good Lord, I've got filet mignon here.
Why would I want White Castle? Well, I like to think of myself as Burger King.
No, no, you're White Castle.
Well, why have you been so nice to me all day? - Because we felt bad for you.
- Because you have cancer.
- I don't have cancer.
- You lied about having cancer? - Shame on you.
- I just had a mole scraped off! But if but if I did have cancer, do you do you think we might get it on? Call an Uber, honey.
You were great on the show! Don't forget your gift bag! Uh, excuse me.
Hold on a second.
- What? I wanted to grab your ear for a second, talk about Phil.
What are you gonna tell me about him? That he's a piece of shit or that he's a piece of crap? That's kinda the same thing.
Okay, get on with it.
Here's the thing.
I know Phil is a bit quirky, and God knows I've had my problems with him handling the security here at "Nightcap.
" But let me tell you something.
I've worked on literally dozens of shows, and I've never, not once ever, met a man who cares more about security than Phil.
That is the biggest crock of shit that anybody's ever said.
- No, but it's - But nothing.
I [sneezes] - [gasps] - Mm - Oh, my God.
- Um Oh, God.
What is wrong with you? That was disgusting.
You're disgusting! - Oh, my God, Davis.
What the hell is going on? Shame on you! Uh, no, she sneezed on me.
[stammers] Yes, yes, women sneeze, okay? And and we also vote, and we also misunderstood sexual cues given to us from big, powerful Hollywood couples.
Okay, I'm pretty sure this isn't about me anymore.
But let me tell you something, Davis.
When a woman puts her lady parts in your face, you're going to assume that she means business.
And maybe maybe they don't wanna have a threesome, okay? Maybe it threatens their marriage.
But that's them.
They're the ones that had cold feet.
It has nothing to do with me not having cancer.
I am vibrant.
I am lubricated.
I am a Big Mac Or at the very least, a Whopper Jr.
Okay, I was wrong about Phil.
You two are the ones that are fucked up.
Move.
[wheelchair whirring] I forgot my bag.
[lively music]