No Offence (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Episode 7

1 If he doesn't start developing some range, I'll do him.
- He's autistic, Viv.
- He'd better be.
Whoever it was who broke in must have taken something.
Our dignity, for starters.
He's got us rooting round like we're looking for sodding car keys.
Whoever he is, he's laughing at us.
We can't deal with this on our own, Viv.
- We have to take this external.
- No way.
The only way I would dream of risking that is if I was 100 percent positive it was one of me own.
The one thing we can't deny is that Patrick was getting information that only someone close to us could have known.
Whatever he came back for, we know when he did.
We have to rule out where our boys were.
You first.
Give over! If he knew we were talking about him like this, we'd be straight for the sack or the bin.
Well, who'd you rather? Miller? You see his hookers? - Plural sometimes.
- Who told you that? He did.
He forgot who was chauffeuring him home.
Where was Spike? - I'm godmother to his kids, Viv.
- Someone always is.
Spike cleared Patrick's alibi.
Next thing you know, Patrick's abducted another victim! She said Patrick begged him not to make him do it.
Begged! You really think any of them could have done that? We need to find out where they were, when, so we know who to trust.
Behind their backs? We've already started.
Oh, shit.
Forgot you hate ketchup.
- I'll go back.
- No! Chill out.
It's fine.
Teg, now you're paired back up with Tintin here, don't forget he needs a good handjob about 3:00, 3:30, otherwise he gets a bit grumpy, don't you, babe? This is definitely worth it.
Tegan doesn't brag, but she can fart the theme tune to Going for Gold.
Hey! Right, go on.
Go on, back in your cave.
See you later.
They should have "just married" sprayed on the car.
Echo, Tango, two shots fired northwest of Salt Marsh Street.
Two shots fired northwest of Salt Marsh Street.
We need one of us to be uncontaminated by this.
It's business as usual.
- If you just speak to - Yes, yes.
What took you both? Oh, Mum left the headlights on again.
Viv had to pick me up.
I keep saying get her checked.
What have you got? Er, gunman shot a jogger, ma'am.
Victim was doing his cool-down exercises when Died instantly.
A witness said they saw the gunman throw a rucksack in the canal.
Spike's waiting for divers.
Yeah, the first round hits the poor sod in the carotid.
Then, wham, back of neck.
The first bullet is nowhere near worth my attention, but the second one has gone in and not out.
If I was you, ma'am, I'd tell me not to let his brains out of my sight.
- Catch the gun, catch the killer.
- Granted.
Right, don't fret, lads.
I'm just coming for the hardware.
That is my favourite coroner's office.
He's way too obvious for your shit list.
My shit list? Er, shit list, ma'am? Oh Where did you and Viv sneak off to last night? Both wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
You were missed.
Cathy was pretty overwhelmed.
Me and Viv had to calm her down.
You mean, you both passed out pissed on your sofa? Hey, at least it's all over.
OK, erm, can someone get the lights for me, please? Right.
Right, victim's name is Dr Jeremy Tierney, one of the most highly sought-after myomectomy surgeons in the UK.
Don't google it.
Not unless you like it pink, wet and shiny.
So, was the doctor the intended victim? Or did the good-eater gunman get sick of feeling guilty every time he tucked into a KFC family bucket for one? Tierney was a fitness freak.
He'd jog to the hospital every morning.
Same route, same time.
Set your watch by him.
The gunman could have planned the hit.
What have you got, Prof? Hmm.
Behold, one freshly plucked bullet from one freshly dead Oxbridge education.
It was fired from a 9mm Baikal pistol.
Sleek, beautiful, and if this summer's jaunt to the Palm Springs Gun Show is anything to go by, quite the heartbreaker.
The gun that killed Tierney was used on the Fordhuck Estate in a number of recent gang shootings.
We never found it, but we're all set to raid the den where the gang hangs out.
So, first to find the gun gets Employee of the Month and a big kiss from me.
This can't look like we're raiding the estate just because the victim's postcode wasn't the local favela.
God forbid, sir.
Joy, the hospital.
Fish for dirt on the surgeon.
And Spike's big boss on the raid.
Move! Dinah Dinah, is everything OK? Like, what is this bloody shit list? Am I on it? Don't be daft.
It's just one of Viv's jokes that you don't get but you have to laugh at.
- Look, I've got to go.
- Wait.
Are you not coming to the hospital? - Won't miss it.
- My car, five minutes.
I just need a wee.
I'll keep her off your back.
You hold back here.
Check alibis.
Then the Blue Anchor pub.
Talk to the landlord who gave Patrick his alibi.
Check Spike did his job.
You think you're the only one who hates this.
Lower those shoulders, put some lippy on and smile like you just love your boss.
Ma'am? Where's Dinah? What I'm about to tell you is spectacularly confidential, yeah? Yeah.
I had a premonition about a lynching over our handling of the Llewellyn case and I will not let my flock be scapegoated by a bunch of prostate-fingering Freemasons.
So, I'm getting Dinah to go through the case files for slip-ups, so we dodge the shit list.
But, ma'am, I was sergeant on that case.
No, no, no, you're sergeant on this case and I'm depending on you to sparkle gloriously under pressure cos you are sharpening up like a good pencil.
Drive, sister.
- Armed police! Get inside! Police! - Stand back! Well, Dr Tierney was a genius surgeon.
Problem is, if you couldn't keep up, he'd make you know it.
I've seen good juniors leave the profession because of him.
Undo your jacket.
You know what it's like to have a boss who tortures you? Gets inside your head, your heart, your soul? HR signed me off for stress.
Me and my wife went to Malaga for half term.
Soon as we hit the tarmac, my eyebrows fell out like pine needles.
Look OK to us.
Yeah, that's cos they cost 500 quid.
That's 500 quid every year.
Weed, bunch of knives, no gun.
Check out which flats them garages belong to, will you? - Miller time! - Hey, Spike-a-tron! So, the divers played a fucking blinder.
Pulled the gunman's rucksack out of the canal.
OK, one hoodie, XXL, one phone, drowned.
It's going to take a little more than mouth-to-mouth and one soggy receipt.
He did his shopping before his shooting.
Got peckish.
Very peckish.
How's it going? The garage below is registered to this flat.
- Your mum about? - Wait here.
I'll just get her.
- Armed police! - Armed police! Armed police! Show yourself! Bathroom clear! Clear! Room clear! Door open on the landing! - Taz, he's out the window - Chase him! - You.
He's free-running.
- Suspect on the move.
Possibly armed.
Heading south towards Maythorpe Road.
Stay down.
You tell yourself it's not too late.
There's still someone out there for you.
And someone like Patrick walks in, says he teaches kids with learning difficulties and you think, "Yeah.
Yeah, why not?" Did Did DC Tanner ask if you'd any other cameras? Or did he seem happy enough just to look at the one? Erm I think I told DC Tanner that all the other cameras were fake.
I I really can't remember.
Did you take this photo? Not me.
No, I only ever saw him here or back to mine.
What's new? Did he mention anybody else to you? Once, yeah.
I said we made a good team and he said there was someone else.
Some straight guy he was holding out for.
I wish he'd told me I was only an alibi.
Patrick told you he was holding out for somebody straight? What was his name? Sean.
No surname? Just Sean.
Patrick said he'd do anything for him.
Ballistics show that your gun was the one used in the shooting of Dr Tierney.
- And a bunch of other gang killings.
- I'm not in a fucking gang! Why have you got a gun? Alright.
God's truth.
They made me stash the gun.
But it can't have been that one.
We've got locks on the door.
Nobody else had a clue.
I'm the only one who knew where it was.
Leon, erm where's your mum? Dunno.
Probably back in a day or two.
Where's me sister? Social work has gone to pick her up from school.
She's safe.
It's your future you should be worried about.
We've got you on possession of a firearm.
Is this? Is this you? Come on, Leon.
Looks like you.
They didn't give me a fucking choice.
When they found out it was just me and Gazelle, they took over the garage.
They said I had to show them I had what it took.
So, that's that? You're confessing to the murder of Dr Tierney? I didn't even know who he was.
I swear! They said they'd light up my sister if I didn't.
Erm, Leon, would you mind just reeling off what you bought from Tesco before you shot him? Coke.
Er, anything else? Mars bar.
Erm, Diet Coke, strawberry lace and a doughnut.
A jam doughnut.
Nobody else knew where you stashed that gun? And it's just you and your sister in the house, right? Gazelle! Pass! Quick! Gazelle, don't! Shut up! Or I'll jump, I swear! Jump, jump, jump, jump! Stop it! Be quiet! Excuse me.
Do you teach her? - She's a suspect in a shooting.
- Gazelle! Don't do anything stupid! Whatever you've done, you'll be OK.
I promise.
Hey, Gazelle.
Come on, you don't want to be that YouTube girl who jumps to her death in a T-shirt saying "gravity".
Do you? No! We're talking to Gazelle's friends and teachers.
She's never done anything like this before.
Bastard! You got your little sister to do a hit, didn't ya? Didn't ya, you little bastard? She might have a point.
It's possible Leon didn't have the guts to do the hit.
Or she did it to save the pair of 'em.
- Who's the Scouse? - Claire Winston.
Gazelle's teacher.
Gazelle's asked her to be her appropriate adult.
Miss Winston.
I'm Detective Inspector Deering.
I'm sorry.
I just I put everything into that kid.
I took her from an F prediction to a B.
I've got her learning, dancing, laughing.
Do you have any idea why she might have done this? I can't believe she She's a good kid.
You have to believe that.
But word to the wise, eh? Brace yourselves.
Oh, my days! What the fuck do you brush your teeth with? Shit? Why did you shoot Dr Tierney? You.
You look like Katy Perry.
- You're making me wet, man.
- Gazelle! We've heard how hard you've worked to turn your life around.
- But you've chucked half of it away.
- What's she saying? You walked out your house with a gun, looking to kill.
You're facing decades, not years.
By the time you're out, it'll be too bloody late to find any decent fellas.
Or chicks.
- Speak for yourself, fat lady.
- Did your brother make you do this? Leon? He's soft as shit.
Nah, man.
Just woke up seeing red.
Time of the month.
Remember how that can be, right, Grandma? Next thing I know, joggers, man.
Don't tell me it didn't make you smile.
The surgeon you shot, he had two kids.
That's a lie.
He didn't have any kids.
Joseph, ten.
Carly, seven.
What made you think he didn't? Gazelle, they're trying to help you.
Answer them.
Fuck off! Just fuck off! Fuck off! She knew him.
This was never random.
I agree.
Looks personal.
I'm not being funny, but a 15-year-old kid popping a gynaecologist? - Just a It's a weird link.
- Go back to the hospital.
Check if Gazelle went ever under Tierney's knife or wanted to.
- Cheery bye for now.
- See ya.
- Where's she off? - I don't Spike did his job checking Patrick out, but there's something else, Viv.
It's weird.
Patrick told the landlord he was in love with someone called Sean.
Patrick's arrest sheet.
In 1999, Patrick got his caution for kicking some bloke's door down in the middle of the night, yeah? Sean Lang's the bloke.
We NC'd Sean Lang ages ago.
He's dead.
Long dead.
Yeah, I know, but the landlord said Patrick was still going on about him.
That he'd do anything for him.
Present tense, Viv.
Somebody took those photos of Patrick in his flat.
Sean Lang drowned.
Threw himself off a ferry in 2002.
They found his shoes, his wallet, a suicide note But they never found a body.
Get everything you can on him.
Job, date of birth, photo.
If my dad knew what we were thinking, he'd be turning in his grave.
Thank fuck he was cremated.
Cream, sugar.
- Full bypass.
- Ooh, appreciate it.
I'm afraid this kid's phone is deader than Top of the Pops.
Main board's flooded.
Circuitry's blown.
Miller, you were at the mortuary yesterday afternoon, weren't you? That I was, kipping on a slab.
Actually, you weren't.
I checked.
You weren't at the lab either.
You checking up on me, Viv? Look, Miller, you're never not off the rails, but divorce is a bastard.
I'm just making sure that my mate's not headed over a cliff.
Too late.
Landed splat ages back.
I hate not knowing what my boys get up to behind me back.
I took my lad to a toy shop.
They've released one of those new Inter-City toy trains.
- Come on, Miller! - OK, I took myself to a strip club.
I begged a Thai chick to stick a mango up me derriére and call me a cocktail.
Jesus, Viv.
Take a joke, yeah? I was just at home on me tod.
Was I crying? Maybe, maybe not.
What's it to you, eh? And that's fucked.
Erm try the last six months.
Am I losing the plot or is there something going down with Dinah and Viv? No, er What makes you say that? Right, OK.
You've got to promise.
Viv is freaked out that there's going to be an investigation into our handling of the Patrick Llewellyn case.
Dinah asked me where you were yesterday afternoon.
- What did you tell her? - I said you went off-radar for an hour.
Have I? Have I screwed up? Sergeant? Nothing on the system for Gazelle Spires.
I can't see how he'd have any contact out of hours with a teenage girl.
I was probably the closest person to him.
What about your colleague? Dr Eyebrows? Well, you can ask, but to be honest, he's been signed off with stress and on holiday with his missus more times than he's been here recently.
- Can you get him for us, please? - Yeah, sure.
- What have you got? - Don't know yet.
Hang on.
Me and the wife went to Malaga for half term.
Soon as we Half term? Dr Pushkin.
What's your wife's name? Loving wife gets pupil to blow husband's bully boss's brains out? The Daily Mail is gonna shit their knickers.
Is this real? Why else would she tell us her husband worked with Tierney? That's a hell of a wife, ma'am.
Except she got a pupil whose mother had just flown the coop to do it.
That's five-star grooming.
Pull Mary Poppins out.
Don't let her know we know till you talk to Gazelle.
Oh, hold it.
The kid's facing 20 years.
If this shit floats, we've got a child manipulated to kill by an adult she trusted.
She could still have a life.
Set empathy to stun.
Go! Dinah, what have you got? Right, so we know Patrick was sectioned in 1999, right? Look at the job description on Sean Lang's tax records.
"Hospital orderly"? At Patrick's hospital at the same time Patrick was sectioned.
That gives Sean access to people he sees as weaker than him.
People who he thinks he can control.
I'm going to his ward.
Someone might remember him.
I need you to get a hold of Sean Lang's employment file.
It'll have proper details.
You know, next of kin Oh, come on, Viv.
- I've got a hunch.
- And it's giving me an ulcer! Alright.
If I set Connie loose on it, the warrant will take an afternoon.
Is it you that stinks or me? I can't work it out.
Where's Miss? - She's indisposed.
- What the fuck's that mean? How well do you know Miss Winston? - Ever go to her house? - I was wrong about you.
You don't look like Katy Perry.
You look like a bitch! If you want to protect Miss Winston, then tell us why you did it.
We know your mum walked out on you, Gazelle.
Shut up.
And your teacher was the only person who made you feel like you existed.
Am I right? - Did she make you do this? - She's done nothing wrong! What did you do together? - Stuff.
- Stuff? Nice stuff.
See films together.
She'd take me for breakfast.
Make me eat healthy.
She said she were proud of me.
Breakfast? Where? Excuse me.
Do you mind if we sit there for a minute? - Yeah, alright.
- Just for a minute, thanks.
Well, Miss Winston, gold star.
No staff still here from 15 years ago.
Who'd want to be? Erm, what about patients? - Eden Ward.
- Tell Ray he's got a visitor coming.
A real one.
That uptight tart were the one person round here who I didn't think were a serial killer.
He were bonkers, though.
Honed in on every pair of bollocks that swung by.
Gave people no choice but to tell him to fuck off.
He'd break his own heart, literally, every day.
In all the time you've been here did you ever know a Sean Lang? Yeah.
The bloke that came up with the X-Files, till some other twat nicked it, claimed it were his idea, so he became a sniper, Kosovo.
Ray, thank you for your time.
Said he were in the police.
Armed police.
Blew open some teenage mong lass by mistake.
Sally? Sylvia? Is the correct answer, yeah.
He wasn't right.
But Patrick were his number-one fan.
What did he look like, Ray? A big lad.
A marble slab.
Is this him? That's Sean.
But he had hair then.
Weren't too big on spray tan neither! What's this? Spot the nonce? Nowhere near.
- Hiya.
- Hey! - Hiya.
- Mmm.
- You're home early.
- I'm right back out again.
No time for a jam, boys.
Just a quick change of knickers! - Champagne? - Yeah.
What's the party? Come on! Cough up.
We got a phone call from our booking agents Hold that thought.
- Dinah.
- We're in the clear.
It's none of them.
It's not MacLaren, not Miller, not Spike.
I spoke to a hospital patient who knew Patrick and Sean Lang.
He knew he was an orderly without me saying.
He said he lied, manipulated Patrick.
But, Viv he said Sean claimed to have killed a Down's syndrome girl.
It was Sean Lang at the flat, Viv.
He faked his fucking death.
Get back to the station.
We bring everyone in on this now.
Er Hmm.
You're as white as a sheet.
It must be the champagne.
I haven't had anything to eat today.
What did you spike me with now, eh? - Come in and sit down for a second.
- No, I'm never better.
- I'll go and splash my face with water.
- Are you sure? Yeah, you get back in there and start making our fortune.
Patrick, hello.
I'm Viv.
Remember? I'm a police officer.
Yeah, I know who you are.
I know who you are.
I know who you are.
Sorry, ma'am.
Is this a bad time? We've just had a bit of good luck.
Just give me a minute, Joy.
It's too big a coincidence, ma'am.
Is this all you've got? The kid that's already going to jail? I've nowhere near enough to hang the teacher by the curls.
Where's your tripwire? If we get Gazelle to admit Miss Winston told her about Tierney's routine All the teacher needs to do is say Gazelle was lying.
For fuck's sake, Joy, don't deflate.
You found all the corners on this.
The husband.
Did he know? If he did, he's as good as she is.
Joy, take Gazelle.
- Spike, Mary Poppins.
- Not want her for yourself? The husband.
Why didn't you tell us your connection to the victim when you had the chance? I didn't want No, I couldn't believe that that was why she did it.
I'm sorry, but you have to believe me.
I had no clue she was going to do this.
She didn't know! Talk to me.
Tell me why you did this.
Please we're both horrified.
I know my wife.
She'd never do this, not in a million years.
How come your wife never told us of her connection to Dr Tierney? When your teacher took you for breakfast, you'd sit in the same place, looking out onto the bridge.
Did she ever mention that Dr Tierney ran across it every morning? Did she point him out? That's pure coincidence.
Was it you who told her that Dr Tierney went there every morning? Maybe you never said it.
Maybe you saw the opportunity.
Hinted it.
I wouldn't put it past you telling that neglected, abused girl all kinds of made-up shit about Tierney to get her to kill him.
Do you honestly think me capable of something so grotesque? Jesus Christ, if I were going to get Gazelle to blow someone's brains out, I'd get her to kill whichever chinless Eton buttfuck of an education minister is telling us we're not hitting our fucking targets! - Pardon my French.
- I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking there's some mistake.
No mistake.
She led that child to murder.
Whatever that poor girl did, she built all in her head herself.
Claire played no part in this.
She wouldn't.
She She couldn't.
OK, Doctor.
You go to prison and protect the person you think cares for you.
Miss Winston, she tried to blame your brother.
She won't come and visit you in prison and she won't be there waiting for you when you come out.
You want to knock years off your jail sentence, then, Gazelle, I'm begging you, talk to me.
There's just one last question, which people will ask behind your back, so allow me to say it to your face.
Did you know? Come on.
You must have known.
Course you did.
Tell me.
Well, you know now.
So, what are you going to do? - We could keep working on her.
- There isn't enough.
Best of luck with your marriage, Claire.
The only thing you two are going home together with is poison.
Come on, love.
Let's go.
Owen Connie says she's placed the file on your desk, ma'am.
- You just left.
- I Did I? Er shouldn't you be setting up? Well, yeah, but the reason for the champagne was is We landed a contract.
A big one.
A six-week tour around Europe.
It's real.
We're on our way tomorrow.
What are you thinking? It's the sexy musician act I fell for in the first place, not you dicking about in the basement with jingles.
Easy, now.
Next year's tax bill will be double yours.
Not till after.
- Eye on the prize.
- It is.
Go get famous, for fuck's sake.
Yes, ma'am.
- Hiya, Di.
- Hiya, Laurie.
You coming tonight? Bring the family, yeah? Yeah, I think just Cathy and Alpha.
They wouldn't miss it.
How is Cathy? Bearing up, is she? A night out will do her good.
See you later.
You've got something you want to ask me.
Look, j-j-just give us five minutes.
What sort of mate goes behind your back checking up on them, eh? You want to know where I was? Just ask! I was with Alice at the hospital.
She's eight weeks.
Made me swear not to tell anyone this time until we got to 12.
Spike, that's amazing.
You know, I couldn't wait to tell you.
Yeah, well, that's where I was.
Thanks a bunch.
Look, I'll make you underst We move now.
Sean Lang's employment file come through? - Connie says - There's nothing in it.
But doesn't matter.
We open this up right now.
Tell everyone.
Dinah We haven't got anything.
- We haven't got anything.
- What time is there left to waste? What aren't you telling me? You ran an innocent man under a bus and trusted me to keep quiet.
I need the same trust from you now.
Come in.
Er, sorry, ma'am.
My first pass on the Gazelle-Spires report.
Pop it in my bag, please, Sergeant.
I'm I'm just out the door.
D'you know what I'm having to accept every morning when I come into work, ma'am? That I'm a good detective and if you rate me as a colleague and as a sergeant, then I deserve, I demand, to know what you're hiding from me on the Down's case because this is way more than covering our backs.
It's about time you finally embraced your mojo, Joy, but In this instance you are way off.
As a friend? Nothing.
Go home.
And look Cathy in the eye? Tell her we're doing everything we can after she's chucked her guts up to get us this far? That's what you're asking? You can get to fuck, ma'am! - Would you like a fried egg, Angela? - It's Pamela.
- It's Pamela, love.
- Oh.
Next week's our 50th anniversary.
That's if I let him make it.
Did Did Sean ever mention me? Well, Sean never really told us much about his girlfriends.
We were very in love.
Unfortunately, I had to move to Australia for work.
When I found out what had happened to him, I Well, to my shame, I I couldn't face a memorial.
I want you to know I loved him.
We couldn't have asked for a better son and he was a perfect brother to his sister, wasn't he, Earl? Sister? Sylvia.
Did he not mention her? Sylvia adored her little brother.
And when we first brought him home from the nuns, she gave him more love in one hug than he'd had in his entire little life.
She loved it when he'd stroke her face, didn't she? Where is she? She was such a clever girl.
And she loved the water.
It was never Sean's fault.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Cheers, love.
Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey! You alright, you two? - Where's Dinah, Spike? - I do not know.
We're just over there.
Hey, Joy, what are you doing? - The band's not even started yet.
- I'm not good company.
I'm going to Come in here.
Come here, come here.
Right, look.
Beers, cheers and fuck 'em.
Major fuck-me vibes at three o'clock.
You take the daughters.
I'll have a crack at the mum.
- We're going to get so laid, lads.
- Hmm.
- So, on a roof.
- Yeah? - We were - What? Fucking ace? Yes! Too right! Right, you know what? You know sometimes when there's an elephant in the room? You've just got to ride it, yeah? Have you seriously not shagged anyone worthwhile since we bumped? - I'm just going to go kill Jonah.
- No! Wait! You must have got me so mashed cos I don't remember a thing.
- Honestly.
- Piss off.
You got me mashed.
The question is, O'Connell, can you remember me naked? Hmm.
Afraid so.
- HD, 3D.
- That is an outrage! What sort of partner are ya? Right, I'm not having this.
I'll be up down the front.
Hey! - Hey, ma'am.
- Oh, bless your cotton socks.
How much did you pay this lot to show up?! You're bankrupt.
Your house is gone.
Joy, you can take a stripe! - Alright, ma'am.
Good to see you.
- Ah, bless you! Come on! Who's down the front with me? You look nice.
This is nice.
Like that.
Excuse me, darling.
Prairie Mice, Prairie Mice, Prairie Mice! This set is dedicated to the most special boss in my life.
Judging by the crowd, she is the most special boss to most of you as well.
Mrs Vivienne Deering.
Make me proud! Come on! A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four