Nobodies (2017) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Gilded Cage

1 (Rachel) Save with today's date.
Email to Allen, and we are officially caught up on "The Fartlemans".
Mmm! (Hugh) I mean that that is impressive.
Should we erase the board so it's like a clean slate on Monday? Yes, clean slate.
Oh, this is very satisfying.
It looks very satisfying.
But what do we do about all this "Mr.
First Lady" stuff? There's no reason to keep it, right? Oh, yeah, let's archive it, so he always can remember our greatest failure.
This is so depressing.
Oh, why, 'cause we wasted two years of our lives on that project? You know what else we're gonna archive in the garbage? The "Mr.
First Lady" champagne celebration is officially cancelled.
What don't throw that away.
Why? Because we might have something new to celebrate.
I don't know if this is good timing or bad timing, but I actually have our next movie idea.
- Love it! - You haven't heard it yet.
Uh, doesn't matter, I'm ready for our next thing.
I'm pining for it.
Okay, have a seat.
- Ohh.
- Uh-huh.
And get ready for a little something I like to call Robbin Hood huh? It's a modern retelling of Robin Hood.
Love it.
Mm-hmm, so Robbin, the character Robbin, is robbing robbin' from the rich, okay? And givin' to da hood.
Right, like, he's giving to his homies.
- Love it.
- Will you stop saying love it? And it's an all-black cast.
- Ooh! - Right, very cool.
- We can't write this.
- Why? Three white people cannot write an African-American retelling of Robin Hood.
Why? It would be perceived as racist.
Uh, I think it's racist that you think we can't write it.
That's exactly right.
And, what's good about this movie as opposed to "Mr.
First Lady" where we used our friendship with Ben and Melissa to get it made and it all blew up in our face, we have no black friends.
Which is good! Which is great.
It's time to turn my dreams into schemes Schemes into plans Plans into history, show 'em who I am Ay, here we go, hey - I'ma show 'em who I am - (tires screeching) Talk about it, be about it, show 'em who I am Ay, here we go, hey Hey, I'ma show 'em who I amm ay, here we go, hey - Ben! - Ben! Yay! Ben, oh Don't "Ben" me, do not "Ben" me.
Do you have any idea how long we've been working on that house? And now we can't move into the house because you plastered our address all over the news.
Well, I mean, that wasn't us.
That was the paparazzi who Excuse me, please don't interrupt Ben Falcone.
Thank you, Ashley.
Please don't interrupt Ben Falcone.
Do you know how many paint swatches I've had to look at? You have an idea, though, right? It's a lot.
Do you know how many tiles I've had to try to select? Kitchen tiles Pool tiles.
Backsplash tiles for the pool cabana! - So many tiles.
- Shut up, Larry! You look like you wanna talk, but I want you to shut up! With your diarrhea sweater.
Your sweater looks like baby diarrhea, Larry.
And so does your heart.
Well, on the website, they called it meconium.
Meconium is baby diarrhea.
- Nobody likes you, buddy! - Calm down.
You don't get to tell me to calm down anymore.
None of you get to tell me to calm down anymore.
Ashley can tell me to calm down if he wants to.
Ashley, should I calm down? I don't think you should calm down.
Thank you, Ashley! I don't have to calm down! Do any of you know who I am? I am Melissa McCarthy's husband! (snickering) You're dead.
- Wait! - What are you doing? - I'm kicking your ass is what I'm doing.
- Why?! - I wrestled in high school.
- Stop it! Stop it! - I forgot the moves.
- Stop, ow! Wait, stop squirming, goddamn it! - (loud rip) - Oh! Damn it! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Ahh - You ripped my cardigan.
Ahh Larry ripped my cardigan.
You're gonna pay for that, Larry.
- Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben! - Nobody rips my cardigans! Wait, wait, wait, wait, Larry, get out of here.
I'm kicking you, Larry! I'm kicking you, Larry! - Larry, get out of the way! - Oh, my God.
Get over here, I wanna kick you! All right, Ben, Ben, Ben, please, let's just Let's just take it down, all right, all right? It's our it's our fault.
It's our fault.
Of course it's your fault.
All right, we are very sorry about your house.
We tried to make everything better, and, of course, we made everything worse.
We are idiots.
The point is, we are just here writing this stupid kid's cartoon that no one cares about.
And you guys are out there making movies and everything else.
And I think we just, you know, feel left behind.
I get it, I get it.
(exhaling) You guys don't know how good you got it, though.
You really don't.
I'm so stressed out, you guys.
Ashley can tell you.
Ashley, am I stressed out? Yeah, he's He does a lot.
You think I'm all, "Oh, Ben's on a private plane again.
" Yes, it's true, I take a lot of private planes.
But they're bumpy.
When you're up there, they're bumpy.
They're bumpy, right Ashley? They're bumpy.
Sure they are.
I mean, all I wanna do is stay at home, watch my Phillies, and eat pizza.
But I'm on Paleo, so I can't even eat pizza anymore.
I'm trying to get that last three to four pounds.
I wish I could come back to a space just like this.
Because when I'm out there with the presidents of studios, do you know how much pressure that is? And you guys in this safe little room.
You're eating canned tuna.
Opening your inexpensive doors, arm-in-arm against the world, nothing going for you, nothing to lose God, I miss that.
Ben you have to go to the airport.
I'm not going to the airport.
Ben, Melissa's hosting SNL.
We have to be supportive.
All right.
What am I gonna do about this? (Ashley) Hey, it's okay.
This is my best cardigan.
We can stop by Barney's.
I'm gonna have Mauricio pull you a few.
I don't wanna go to the airport.
- Wow.
- (exhales) You know, since we're all sharing our feelings, as a black man, what you have written on this white board is deeply offensive.
But as a moviegoer I cannot wait to see this on the big screen.
So, was that, like, a nervous breakdown or something? Ben is like the, um, bird in the gilded cage.
And just because I bet.
Rachel doesn't know what that means, even though I definitely know what that means The gilded cage is like a fancy, ornate prison.
And you can have everything you want, but it's still a trap, because you have all these obligations and pressures.
Mmm.
Well, I could not be on a plane as much as them.
I swear to God, I'd be addicted to Ativan or something.
I think I'm glad "Mr.
First Lady's" done.
I don't think we wanna be in that world.
Ben makes being rich and famous seem very unpleasant.
I am gonna go into this weekend, 'cause this is, like, the first weekend in forever where we haven't had tons of work.
And I'm going to enjoy my daughter, and enjoy the fact that I have a not stressful job.
I mean, I got it pretty good, too.
I mean, uh I have two kids.
I have a wife.
I'm a homeowner.
And so what if I had to borrow most of the money for the down payment from my father-in-law, even though he says I don't have to pay him back, but we all know he wants me to pay him back.
(chuckling) You know what I'm gonna do? This weekend, tomorrow - I'm gonna have a big brunch.
- Ooh! Friends and family.
You come, bring Lois.
You come uh, don't bring Pat.
And we will just enjoy our lives as they currently are.
I can't come tomorrow.
Why not? 'Cause I have stuff I have to do.
Hmm.
If, uh, you guys wanna get out of here, I I can get the bill.
I haven't finished my drink.
Hmm Oh, I see why you wanted us to leave.
Hi, guys I thought we said 8:00? Did my assistant not text you? Ugh! No, my meeting got pushed to Monday.
- Is that okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
You guys are so cute.
You're always together.
Well, we're not always together 'cause I am just about to leave.
I'm just gonna finish my drink.
And I'm gonna get my purse.
And this is a disgusting purse.
I don't know why I brought this purse.
But you know what, if you're the type of person that judges me on my purse, I don't wanna know you.
I don't wanna be friends with you.
Is this high school? Is this cheerleaders versus nerds? 'Cause I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna play that game, no, not today.
Not today.
(breathes deeply) (gentle music playing) (Sam) No, it's not.
(giggles) All right, bye.
- Heh! - Hi.
Wow, this is an impressive place.
Thank you.
I'm really sorry that took so long.
That was Paul.
Um, do you want milk or sugar in your Oh, that's fine.
Who's Paul? Oh, my God, I haven't even told you what I do for a living.
I assume you're a high-priced hooker, and I owe you, like, $60,000.
- $75,000.
- Heh! No, do you know Paul Skidmore, the director? - "Friendly Skies?" - Uh, yes.
I work with him.
I'm his producing partner.
Huh.
Hello! Oh, you come bearing gifts.
Very, very classy.
Unfortunately, didn't quite spring for the Veuve, huh? (chuckling) - Hi! - Hi.
Oh, you look so pretty.
Oh, I feel so fat.
No, you look great.
Is that Curtis? Is that your dad? Uh, no, that's that's Walter Schnitman.
He's the kids' pediatrician.
(whispering) He's newly single.
He's a widower.
(whispering) Why are you doing that with your eyebrows? What's happening? He's a doctor, hmm? Oh, so gross.
Can we open this? Too early? To celebrate the Spurs' 2015 championship over the Miami Heat? No, it's too late, but I'll drink this with you.
That's right, you love your Spurs.
Hey, we should go to a game sometime.
I can get court side seats.
Oh, wow.
You know, if I pull strings at my job, I bet I can get us ten percent off some crap at Toys "R" Us.
We gotta get you out of that job.
- No, it's good.
- Yeah.
Do you guys ever write anything besides that cartoon? No, just "The Fartlemans.
" Well, if you ever write a movie, Paul and I are always looking, especially from very funny, very handsome people.
That's very sweet, but I don't think I wanna be in that world.
You're a very intriguing person, Hugh Davidson.
Uh, Jen I'd like to thank you and Larry for having this old man over today.
As you know, the last few months have been tough.
But you got me out of the house.
And I, uh, thank you for that, so Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Mom, where's my napkin? - Did it fall on the floor? - Oh, yeah.
(Walter laughs) Uh, that reminds me of a very funny joke.
You know how doctors are always writing things, prescriptions, whatnot.
So, this doctor reaches behind his ear for his pen to write a prescription, whatever he's writing.
And it's a thermometer.
He's holding a thermometer.
(laughing) He turns to his nurse or his patient, whoever it may be, and he says, "Hey, some asshole's got my pen!" (laughing) Oh, I know there are children here, but I had to tell it.
I had to tell it.
She set me up.
You set me up, young girl.
(chuckling) Mm-hmm.
So, uh, Rachel, you and Walter actually have a lot in common.
- Really? - You're from Phoenix, and and, Walter, you vacation in Scottsdale, right? Yeah, I used to vacation in Scottsdale with Bess.
Uh, but I I haven't been back since my my wife.
What happened to your wife? Uh She died.
Larry.
Ahem.
Uh, has anyone seen "The Friendly Skies?" Melissa's new movie.
- It looks so funny.
- Doesn't it? I really wanna see it.
Um I'll take you.
(swallows hard) Ahem.
Sorry? Uh, I need a laugh.
What do you What do you say? - Tomorrow night? Dinner and a movie? - Ohh! Oh, that's so nice, um I I have Lois this weekend, though, and it's, it's so hard to find a sitter last minute, you know? Oh, yeah.
No, no, you can use our sitter.
We were gonna use her tomorrow, but my parents can watch the boys.
Yeah, that's better, the boys'll like that better.
She's available.
She doesn't care where she goes.
Wow, I, um feel like that, uh, would put you in a tough tough position.
Mm-Mmm.
Uh, just I wouldn't wanna do that to you as a friend, Larry.
No, no, it's better, because then we don't have to pay for a sitter.
Everybody wins.
This is great.
Uh, no, it's all right.
You don't have to go out with this old sad man.
(chuckles) No no, no, it's, it's okay, it's nice.
It's, um It is a date.
It's a date.
(chuckling) You're really not telling me - where we're going.
- Unh-unh.
Are you scared? I'm gonna ask the driver.
And if he says nothing, then this is a kidnapping.
Uh-uh-uh! I'm in charge today.
("Soak It Up" by Houses playing) - You're very beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
I bet no one's ever told you that before.
No, I've never heard that, ever, ever, ever.
But I like hearing it from you.
That's 'cause you're a narcissist.
- Ta-da.
- We're going on an airplane? - Yes! - Where are we going? I have work tomorrow.
(chuckling) Relax, we're just gonna go for the day.
My friends wanna go wine tasting in Napa, but we'll be back tonight.
We're going wine tasting in Napa? Yeah.
I show you somebody new What's wrong? Nothing, it's just, uh, you know, um, I understand these these, uh, private planes are are bumpier than the regular ones.
I'll hold your hand if you get scared.
And when we get home I'll be waiting in the attic for you It's gonna be okay, come on.
Thank you! So soak it up So soak it up You know, I'm sorry I cried through the whole movie.
My wife died on an airplane.
- What? - Not a crash.
- (sighs) - A stroke, mid-flight.
I'm so sorry, but we shouldn't have seen "The Friendly Skies.
" We should've seen a different movie.
No, no, no, I needed to laugh.
- (chuckles) - Oh.
Um, so what do you, what do you wanna order? Um, you know, I'm not that hungry.
You know, Bess, always got the Chicken Milanese.
(chuckles) You you came here with Bess? Yeah, every Sunday night.
Yeah, yeah, they gave us a plaque.
- Ohh.
- (chuckling) But I haven't I haven't been back here since she died.
(exhales) (sobbing) - The ziti looks kind of - No.
(sobbing) Oh, no! Not again, not again.
Walter, are you okay? I'm sorry, I Whoa! Walter! I I thought you were giving me signals.
No, I was reaching out 'cause you were sobbing at a restaurant.
(sobbing) It seems like a signal.
(cell phone tune playing) Hello? Hey, honey, do you have a second? Uh, yeah, I'm almost at my audition, but what's what's going on? You know how I thought - I was going through early menopause? - Yeah? Well, Dr.
Kim says I'm not going through early menopause.
Okay, that's good news, right? Um, yes, great news.
Except the reason I thought I was going through early menopause is because I hadn't gotten my period in three months.
And it turns out the reason for that is because I'm pregnant! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- I know! - Oh, my God.
Uh, oh, my God! So, what, you're you're, like, three months? Four! I thought I was just getting fat.
But I'm not getting fat, I'm pregnant! I'm freaking out, Larry! Well, don't freak out, don't freak out.
What are we going to do?! Maybe it'll be a girl, maybe you'll get your daughter.
It's not a girl! It's another stupid boy! Two stupid boys! It's twins! Ahh Oh, my God.
Is this gonna mess up your audition? (sobbing) Oh, no Also, the doctor said it might be a difficult pregnancy, so I might be on bed rest and there's progesterone involved - with $100 fees every day.
- Oh, no! They need the room, I gotta go.
Oh, God! Ohh! - Sir? - Heee! Sir, are you okay? - Larry? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's Sam, Hugh's friend.
- Yeah, right.
- Do you We met Are you okay? I thought you were throwing up.
I just found out that I'm having twins.
- Are you okay? - Uh - That's a lot.
- Yeah.
What, uh, what, uh, what are you doing here? Are you an actress or something? No, no, no, no, Paul and I have offices right over there.
- Uh, who's Paul? - Paul Skidmore? Do you know, uh, director? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm his producing partner.
Does Hugh know this? Yeah, course he does.
Has Hugh told you about our script? - You guys wrote a script? - Yeah.
A film script.
A great one, it's called "Mr.
First Lady.
" He never told you this? Why wouldn't he tell me you guys wrote a film script? Uh He said that you guys wrote the Fart Village He called it the Fart Village? People.
- Poop People.
- This is a movie.
We wrote a movie.
You should read it.
It's really strange that he didn't Trust me, he's a (stammering) He does strange things.
You should read the script.
I don't think It's, uh, you know what? No, no, no, you should read the script.
I have to, I have a I'm actually late for a meeting.
Please, let me just I'll send you the script.
But it was really good seeing you.
And con congratulations.
- (stammering) - Thanks.
Hey, Larry, you know what? Send me the script.
(chuckles) Yes, I'll send it.
This is great! This is great I don't need to go to this audition.
Gah! Ahh! (chuckling) awaqeded for