Odd Mom Out (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ode to Joy

1 Let the river run Previously on "Odd Mom Out" Well, I'm actually getting back into the photography thing, so I hope you'll keep me in mind for any work that comes up.
But your work was safe.
It had no teeth or balls, really.
Awesome, George.
Hello, bellman.
Jill, those are your doorman shots? Yeah, why? You knew they were nude.
Graham is here.
Graham had his chance with you, and he blew it.
Don't let him suck you back in.
Good to see you.
Lex is cheating on Brooke with his assistant Ella.
- You knew? - I'm so sorry.
I didn't know what to do.
It wasn't my place.
- [grunts] - [screams] Joy Green, author of the "Joy Manifesto," is in the house.
- This is Ernie Krevitt - Hey.
Sharpest investor on the continent.
Brooke von Weber, will you be my re-bride? What? Yes! The answer is yes.
[rock music] Don't forget to pick up your tux from the cleaners any time after 3:00.
[phone chimes] On it.
Wait, it looks like somebody bought a photo from my website! Hey, that's terrific, honey.
Kids, Mommy sold a photo! Is this really happening? A total stranger bought one of my photos! - What happened? - Kids, listen up.
I was about to bail on myself after tons of rejection, and this is living proof that if you work hard enough and you're patient, eventually it will pay off! [kids cheer] Ahh! Grisly, grisly breath.
Go brush your teeth, okay? Trixie can suck it.
There's somebody out there who thinks my work does have balls.
See, all you needed was a little encouragement.
Honey, you are an artist.
- [chuckles] - Wait.
What? Oh, my god.
It was you.
You bought it! Oh my God.
It was a pity-buy? - No, I I just - Kids! Forget everything I just said.
I liked the photo, honey.
You just needed a little boost.
That is a false sense of confidence.
Like water-wings.
Oh, stop.
I'm Jennifer Beals in "Flashdance" when Michael Nouri got her the audition she thought she'd earned.
But she deserved that audition! She was awesome! [groans] Hey, yes, you know I'm feeling fine, I'm feeling fine My career is on life support, Vaness.
And you're my plug-puller.
Can we just call time of death? Not yet.
I still see vital signs.
So Graham is leaving tomorrow.
Have you guys had a talk? Are you gonna see other people? You don't have a talk when you're just having fun.
That's the opposite of fun.
Pass the hot sauce.
What? Okay, well, you're not gonna like it, but I'm tired of guys like Graham parking in your husband parking spot just for "fun.
" [laughs] Jill, I'm never getting married again.
There is no husband parking spot.
I don't believe you.
I think you're ready for love Maybe even with Graham But you're just too cool to admit it.
Listen to me: I am happy with my love life.
You're the one who's unhappy with my love life, so that's your cross to bear.
Or whatever the Jewish equivalent is.
Star of David.
Just have mercy on me, I have to get it up for Brooke and Lex's bullshit "vows renewal.
" Celebrating their "rediscovered love.
" And get this.
Andy told me they're spending $1 million on the flowers.
[regal orchestral music] [zippers zipping] [inhales deeply] Oh my God.
Where's my butter churn? Somebody point me to the compound and remind me of my 17 kids' names.
[regal orchestral music resumes] Hello, Ladies.
What happened to the guava gown I picked out? Well, it's funny: I must have lost a few pounds on my cleanse, because it was literally falling off of me.
And I just thought that this would be more festive.
But you know, it's still a little big.
Lucy! Lucy! Girls, gather.
Oh, I am loving this look on you.
I had a vision with the hair, and it is perfect.
I want to share an epiphany I had this morning: After a very challenging time, I have it all: a booming company, several fabulous homes, a husband who loves me so much he wants to marry me a second time Four healthy kids I already said that.
And I couldn't have arrived at this moment without Joy Green.
She should be here any minute.
[gasps] Hello, my gorgeous re-bridal party! [clears throat] So copy.
Oh, my god, Brooke, the eagle has landed.
Joy Green is on the premises! She's here.
She's here.
Oh, my god.
[gasping] Hello, beautiful ones.
- Hi, Joy.
- Joy.
And I hate nosy bitches.
[tires squeal] I can't thank you enough for officiating tonight.
It's only because of your blog post that Lex and I are going through with this.
We realized we could hear your voice even when we couldn't hear each other's.
Well, I always say that my soul can't sing unless it makes another soul dance.
[bridesmaids gasp] - Chills.
- Yeah.
Jill, I want you to meet my guru, my idol, Joy Green.
This is Jill, my Jewish sister-in-law.
So pleased to meet you.
[chuckles] It's a joy.
You'll be happy to know we're incorporating all faiths tonight.
The ceremony will be under a choo-pah.
Oh, it's[hacking] chuppah.
I just felt a pubic hair sprout.
Not today.
Excuse me.
Jin-Lee? Has anyone seen Jin-Lee? I'm sorry, don't I know you? No.
I don't think so.
This is a swank affair, isn't it? I think I have, like, 100 bucks of caviar just jammed into my chompers.
I'm a total roe ho.
I'm gonna, like, give birth to a sturgeon in the morning.
No, I'm sorry.
We must have met somewhere.
I mean, you look so familiar.
Oh, well, I get that a lot.
People say I resemble a young Alan Rickman in drag May he rest Marilyn Manson, Tatum O'Neill dipped in shoe polish and shoved in the microwave, and of course, tonight, the cast of "Big Love.
" Mm-hmm.
What do you do? Um, I'm a photographer.
- A what? - A photographer.
Oh, well, maybe that's it.
Maybe you've shot me for something.
Nope! I haven't had the pleasure.
Of shooting you.
[chuckles] Well, anyway, I have to go brush up on my Sanskrit for the ceremony.
Don't worry.
It'll come to me.
It always does.
Uh, toothpaste, Sudafed? Check, check.
- Passport? - Check.
Good-bye? Bye.
[smooch] - This was fun.
- It was! - Now, scram.
- All right.
I'll see you when I see you, kid.
Catch you on the rebound.
Between our co-op board elections and the doorman strike, I'm ready for a summer break from our building.
[laughs] Well, I don't know.
I quite enjoyed Carlton's nude modeling debut.
Ooh, don't remind me.
The photographer is my daughter-in-law.
You don't mean Brooke? No, I have another daughter-in-law.
I rarely mention her.
She's offbeat.
Ernie! You must know Ernie Krevitt.
Ernie and I went to summer camp together in the Berkshires.
- We did.
- Even at 11, he was managing our cabin's canteen fund.
- Well, of course.
- What can I say? We made some good returns that summer.
- Ooh! - Mr.
So good of you to be here.
The artwork in my wife's office looks phenomenal.
Well, she's got a great eye.
Makes my job easy.
And I see you met Mr.
Ernie Krevitt, genius investor? He's like a father to me.
[whispers] Guess that means we're married.
We'd better be careful.
I'm very fertile.
Good to know! Nice to see you.
Oh, hi.
Oh, excuse me I think you dropped this.
That's it! Now I remember where I know you from! I really don't know what you're referring to.
Um, oops! Does that jog your memory? No, I don't know what you mean.
Oh, really? Nothing? Hmm? How 'bout now? Ugh! [laughing] I knew I hated you from somewhere! You're the one who called me a Nazi on the Montauk Highway.
Because you were littering and I was trying to protect the Earth.
What is wrong with you? Aren't you supposed to be the Queen of Happiness? Oh, I'm very happy right now.
I'm enjoying this delightful little coincidence.
Sir! Thank you.
Don't you think you should wait till after you're done officiating to get shitfaced? Oh, you're also on booze patrol now? I think I can handle this: Brooke, do you renew your vow to cherish Lex till death do you part? Lex, do you promise not to bang any more secretaries? Hey! Don't trash my family.
- That's my thing.
- Oh, please.
Everyone knows what "vows renewal" means.
Yeah, no shit.
Someone boned.
But people can change.
[scoffs] Yeah, right.
And my ex-husband isn't going down dog on my old yoga instructor right now.
My next book's gonna be called, "Rich Men Who Cheat and the Women Who Don't Want to Downsize.
" Ms.
Green? I'm sorry to interrupt, but your book changed my life.
Mine, too! Oh.
Of course.
Namaste away from me.
So are you going to be attending my reading at the 92nd Street Y? I wouldn't miss it.
You have the glow of happiness.
Brooke? Hi.
So, um [sighs] Given our history, I feel like I should share some information with you that could be upsetting.
Will be upsetting.
We're T-minus ten.
Can't it wait? No.
Um I know you idolize Joy, but she is a fraud and does not have your back.
Jill, I can't take in this negativity right now.
As Joy says, "There are radiators and there are drains.
" And I need to surround myself with radiators before I remarry the man I love.
Yeah, I just don't think you realized Who's ready to get married again? Joy, perfect timing.
I was actually just going over the final script, and there's one paragraph I think we can do without.
Oh, really? Yes, it's a small one, about your trip to Yemen? Lovely story.
It brought me to tears.
I just don't think it's germane to this particular occasion.
Well, that's surprising.
Because it is the centerpiece of chapter 14, "Sticking to it When You're Most Stuck," which you quoted at length in your TED talk.
Of course.
But today is really more about chapter 17, "Seeing Past Rage and Finding Love and Acceptance.
" That's funny, because I thought that I was the architect of my own work and that's why you hired me.
Yes, but I assumed when you accepted the job, you did so in a collaborative spirit.
Chapter 7, "Bettering Yourself by Taking the Best from Others.
" You seem to be forgetting chapter 22, "If You're Talking, You're Not Learning," so are you ready to embrace Joy Green or not? Joy, this entire conversation issurprising and frankly unacceptable.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave right now.
Your deposit is non-refundable.
Devon, please call security.
On it! I'm quite fine exiting on my own.
Chapter 29, "Know How to Mic-Drop Out of a Toxic-Situation.
" [glass shatters, Brooke gasps] Brooke, I'm so sorry.
Guys, what's the hold-up? People are getting restless.
Oh, Lex, it'll break your heart just like it broke mine.
What? Brooke shit-canned Joy Green.
She's a lying, seething, vile, disgusting, horrible psychopath.
And a litterbug.
There's a special place in hell for litterbugs.
Lex, we have no one to officiate! What about Jilly-beans? Brooke and Lex, you have chosen to weave a tapestry of traditions from around the globe for this renewal.
We're here because we acknowledge our foibles, our weaknesses.
Coming out this fall in paperback, look for the "Joy Manifesto" Oops.
Sorry! [hums] Where are we? And [clicks tongue] And join us now as we begin our spiritual journey around the world.
From the Chinese tradition, the tea ceremony [gong crashes loudly] From the Hindu tradition, the placement of the "Thali" around the bride's neck.
Hey, dilly da Simmy, simmy, simmy wah [roars] [chanting in Latin] The Haka war dance is used to show victory in love and also as a pre-game ritual for the Dartmouth La Crosse team.
[screaming and stomping] In sickness and in health For richer, for poorer Both: Till death do we part.
Borrowing from the Bhutanese tradition, Brooke and Lex will bind themselves to each other through the windows of their souls by staring into each other's eyes in silence for for 30 minutes? [all gasp, groan] - [quietly] Oh, shit.
[sighs] [whispers] Devon.
Can I get a shot of espresso? A double shot? [bones cracking] [grunts] [stomach growls] [cell phone buzzing] Sorry.
I'm just gonna Excuse me one sec.
Just keep staring.
Talk fast, I'm officiating.
I'm mad at you.
Me? What'd I do? Everything was fine, and now Graham is gone, and I'm sad, and it's all your fault.
What? Wait, you're sad he's gone? But that's a good thing.
No, it's not.
It There's crumbs everywhere.
Is this a cherry pit? He is so thoughtless and selfish, and now I miss him.
You! You put me in this situation.
- Me? I'm the one who told you not to see him the minute I heard he was in town! But you knew I would get sucked back in! You should've tried harder to prevent this from happening.
Okay, I am not gonna try to defend myself, because you sound like an escapee from a mental asylum.
Now, stop blaming me and tell him how you feel.
He's gone.
Off to Laos.
Well, what time's his flight? Put down the remote and focus! [sighs] I'm not going to the airport.
I already washed my face.
I'm in my sweat pants.
I just needed to yell at you.
- How's the party? - So that's it? You're just gonna watch TV while Graham waltzes off and gets scooped up by some sexy, do-goody field worker in the rice paddies? [timer beeps] I gotta go.
Time's almost up.
[sighs] And that's 30.
Good Morning, Vietnam! Okay, homestretch, people.
If you will all open the boxes under your seats, for the release of the Purple Emperor butterflies, a symbol of metamorphosis and freedom Release.
[audience murmuring indistinctly] Release.
[whispers] They're dead.
Life is short, carpe diem.
Let's party! Very nice service.
[laughs] Thanks.
A sister-in-law's work is never done.
Oh, you must be the photographer.
I like your work.
Oh, no, I think you're thinking of someone else.
No, no, you shot the doorman, right? In various states of undress? My own doormen was very proud of his.
[laughs] Oh, my god, yes.
- That's me.
- Where do you show? [laughs] Uh, on my laptop, mostly.
You made my night! Thank you.
What do you do? Oh, I have a small gallery in Chelsea.
In fact, I'm gonna do a group show on men in uniform in the fall.
It's mostly military and law enforcement, but your doormen would give it a nice twist.
I'd love to include you, if you're interested.
- [laughs] Thank you.
- Call me.
We'll talk.
- Jill.
- Yeah? Do you realize who you were speaking with? Yes, this nice guy.
He says he has a gallery in Chelsea.
Larry Manassian? [gasps] That's Larry Manassian? I just hope you didn't say anything to him to embarrass me.
He lives in my building.
Oh, my god.
Andy! Andy! - What are you - Sorry, I forgot my phone.
Such an idiot.
And the car's waiting outside.
Where I thought I left it in the kitchen.
[both groan] Over here with my bag.
I was packing my bag.
Where the hell is it? Ah! Found it! Okay.
Wait, what are you Are you okay? - [groans] - Holy shit, what is happening? This really sucks.
God damn it! I know you have a plane to catch, and this is not an ultimatum.
I just have to get this stupid thing off my chest, and then you can go.
I wish you would stay.
There, I said it.
Are you happy now? I am.
You better go; your car's waiting.
Are you sure? Is this a test? No.
I just wanted you to know how I feel.
We'll figure the rest out later.
Now leave.
You're very weird.
I can't believe Larry Manassian wants to put me in a group show! Was that a dream? Never doubted you, honey.
I knew it was just a matter of time.
This is turning into quite the day.
Hey, what's What's going on? All right.
I don't know, but that's Ernie Krevitt, Mom's money-guy And Lex's.
How embarrassing.
I wonder what he did.
Devon! What's happening? They're saying he pulled a Madoff! [all gasping] Yeah.
Brooke just got me in with him.
Where is Brooke? Brooke? This can't be happening.
We moved all our money over to him.
Sebastian! Us too.
Jared? I don't look good in poor, Jill! [voices overlapping] Dude, of course I went all in.
Ernie was our best performing manager.
He was killing it for us.
You would've done the same thing! But but no, but we're gonna be okay, right? Pete, tell me we still have the rainy day fund at JPM.
[sighs] Pete? - Should we be freaking out? - No.
Fortunately, we never had enough money to invest with him.
But Mother did.
Where is Mother? Candace? [all gasping] Candace? Give me some help here.
Lex, everyone's saying something about a Ponzi scheme.
We didn't have much money with him, did we? Babe.
We still have each other, and we have our health.
And [dry heaves] And that is all that matters.
[screaming] No! [retches] [instrumental music] [muffled crying] Oh my God, we got to get out of here.
Kids? Kids, kids, let's go.
[man screams] Kids! Oh, my god! [both scream] Kids? Let's go.
Both: Kids? Let's go.
Let's leave a party while it's good.
Yeah, come on, guys! But what about dessert? Um, we'll have it at home.
So, basically, we're the only rich people in this party?