Orange Is the New Black s02e08 Episode Script
Appropriately Sized Pots
-01:59:54,654 --> -01:59:59,872 The doctor recommends a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy.
Who doesn't love a surgery with "ooph" in it? Yeah, well, uh the, uh, DOC has set certain limits on invasive It's not gonna happen.
You're not out of options.
We'll stick with the chemo.
"We"? You got cancer in your ovaries, too? I'm your counselor.
I'm here to help you through this.
There is no "through this.
" I'm gonna die.
Hey.
Come on, now.
You could live for years.
- That's a fucking lie.
- Language! Look, I know this is difficult for you.
My cousin had lung cancer.
It didn't look good for him, but he stuck with the chemo and now he's back fixing roofs in Oneonta.
Lucky duck, your cousin.
Me? Dead duck.
You have to try to remain positive.
No one knows the future.
Doctors know the future.
They think I need the surgery.
I wish I could help you.
But it's out of your hands.
It's always out of your hands.
You're all the same useless.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ - Okay? - Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
_ Ahora sí? _ Okay.
_ - Suits, on the floor! - Down! Okay! _ Just stay down.
No dye packs.
Don't want no Smurf money.
_ _ _ _ _ Don't! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ He got hit? _ We could take him to that vet.
_ Marco.
_ _ _ _ _ Marco? Looking good, Red.
You got a green thumb.
Look at this.
It's not rocket science.
What's that? Oh.
I was thinking I could take a little area for my own guys to bust out a little.
What are you planting? Vegetables.
Don't worry, I'll take care of 'em myself.
Come in in the morning, I'll sing 'em a little song Every morning? When it gets warmer, I'll move 'em outside.
Are you sure it's not too early? Because if they grow too big in here, they might not transplant well.
It's just little bitch vegetables like squash.
Broccoli is no pussy.
Don't worry, I know what I'm talking about.
This pot is way too big for this seedling.
You gotta make sure you're getting proper drainage here Don't! That's Jimmy's pot.
It's a bean stalk.
She thought she was going to steal a harp from a giant.
It was a whole just Okay.
If you're worried about the drainage, maybe you could buy me some smaller pots.
Yeah.
They'll probably do just fine.
Leave your seeds.
I'll get your plants going.
Nah.
Truth is, I like doing it myself.
Therapeutic.
See you tomorrow.
Good job.
I have to say, there is something gratifying about this, you know? Washing someone else's clothes, being of service to another human being.
Well, just wait till you come across some of them period-soaked panties or the shit stains on the undies and see how gratified you are.
I get what you're saying, Soso.
Taking something dirty, making it not dirty no more.
And speaking of washing.
You see they got a new kind of deodorant down at commissary? Powder fresh scent.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Yeah, I may have to go check that out.
Guys, antiperspirant is so bad for you.
You know, it's completely toxic.
Our bodies are meant to breathe free.
Breathe, yeah.
Yeah.
You know, that makes me wish that we had some windows down here so we could air out the place, you know? Yeah, they're trying to say you stink.
I do? We know it's hard to get out of that depression funk thing when you first get here but You reek.
Go take a shower.
All right, Tucky.
Lay off.
Excuse me? Leanne, you lay off.
'Cause the Leanne I knew would've told this dirty hippie to go wash her hairy pits and her parts.
But instead, you're off making new friends now, aren't ya? Hmm.
How's that going? Can't imagine well, because a real friend doesn't have to dance around the subject.
And a real friend just tells it like it is.
Watch and learn.
You smell like a fucking turtle tank.
Go take a fucking shower.
You try washing an 80-year-old woman when she's forgotten to shower for a month.
Strange things grow in the folds.
We hid Jimmy's condition for years.
Spent half our days tracking her down when she wandered, trying to get her back in time for count, watching her get worse every day.
How is she gonna eat? How is she gonna take care of herself? She'll end up on the street and then My guess, dead in a week.
Oh Don't get us wrong, it's disgusting what they done, and she is, was, a lovely woman.
So compassionate release is really just a dump and run? More like dump and sidle away like the sneaky, shitty spiders they are.
I know this guy, a reporter.
He might be able to help.
"Demented Granny Set Free," ain't a sexy headline and it ain't news.
No one gives a shit about old ladies.
We remind everyone that they're gonna die.
I don't feel that way.
I find it comforting to be around old people.
Glad we could be of service.
My grandmother is dying.
Sorry to hear that.
She taught me how to knit.
I made a blanket for my stuffed monkey.
It took me six months.
And then my mother sold it at a yard sale for a quarter.
Your mum sounds like a twat.
She can be.
But not my grandmother, no.
When Granddad died, she taught herself how to invest in the stock market and got really, really good at it.
She bought herself a house in Wellfleet and she started kayaking.
She always used to say to me, "Go out and eat the world, Piper.
"Don't you get stuck at home with some man.
" I may have taken that last part too literally.
Chapman.
Let me guess, "Dear Miss Chapman, no one gets furlough.
"Not you, not anyone, but especially not you.
"Love, the DOC.
" Am I warm? - Got your furlough.
- Funny.
Hey, watch the sarcasm.
I made a few phone calls, moved the process along.
You get to go and say goodbye to your nana.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are you Are you serious? Don't ask questions, Chapman.
Just say, "Thank you.
" Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr.
Healy.
Thank you.
Okay.
You're welcome.
You're welcome, Chapman.
You're welcome.
Did Did he say furlough? You're deaf as a post, honey.
No one gets a furlough.
Good morning.
Morning.
How are you? Good morning, sunshine.
What's this? It's a hot chocolate.
A little sweet, for my - You.
- Thanks, Joel.
Ooh.
Was it too hot? Is there Schnapps in this? Yeah.
- That one's mine.
- Ugh! What's wrong with you? Babe, it's for flavor.
Don't call me babe.
You can't call me babe if you can't return my texts.
How many times do I have to tell you, I don't text.
All right, if you wanna talk to me, call.
Or drive over to my house.
You know, but after midnight, when my roommate's sleeping.
Caputo! Look at this.
Do you see this? Do you fucking see this? Your shoe? I see your shoe.
It's a nice shoe.
- Nice? - High.
These are fucking Louboutins with gum on the sole.
I stepped in gum, not two feet into the building.
Where are the prisoners getting gum? Gum is contraband, Caputo.
How the hell is it getting in, chewed, dropped and stuck to the bottom of my very expensive shoe? - I don't know.
- And that's what concerns me.
I'm enforcing your shot quota.
I'm doing everything I can.
Well, do better.
Take control.
You, do you work here? - Yes, ma'am.
- Don't call me "ma'am.
" I'm not an old lady you're bagging groceries for.
You are a correctional officer.
Your job is to enforce the rules.
- Do you know what the rules are? - Yes.
Because, right now, looking in an arbitrary direction, I see large earrings, I see unapproved makeup.
Am I the only one who sees this? Do I have super vision? Am I like the boy in The Sixth Sense who sees infractions no one else sees? Am I in a fucking M.
Night Shalamalama movie, or is that inmate wearing green eye shadow? I think it's pronounced Shyamalan.
I, uh, better get back to work.
Miss Figueroa, everyone wears makeup.
Oh, good, I'm not crazy.
So are you gonna do something about it, or are you just here for decoration? Inmate, hold up.
That was totally unnecessary.
Oh, did I make her sad puppy dog eyes look even sadder? Look, I know you have some kind of pathetic Love Is cartoon crush on her, but this isn't high school.
Do your job, or I will find someone who will.
And make this one take a shower.
So fucking tired all the time, I fall asleep everywhere.
It's like I'm a necrophiliac.
You guys come up with a plan yet, or what? Last idea was to pretend I'm fat, have it in the broom closet, and then sneak it out in his leg.
But I'm pretty sure he was kidding.
But he could be onto something though, you know? People around here seem to have all sorts of ways of gettin' shit in, so maybe you could figure out the reverse.
Top's extra for my kitchen, bottom's some perks for my girls.
Don't want any drama.
No drama, just business.
Hey, lady, are you taking her blood or giving her a tattoo? I'm doing my best.
Yeah, well, your best sucks.
Maybe you'll start vomiting soon so you can't talk so much, yes? Go stick your head in a bucket.
Thank you for defending my veins, bucket boy.
Yeah, well, she's a useless bitch.
She's a drunk.
What are you talking about? Watch, she'll drop off the blood at the window, circle back to the cabinet where they keep their purses and then she'll turn her back and she'll take a slug of something.
Then close it up and pop a piece of gum into her mouth.
She's like clockwork, every 20 minutes or so.
Shit! You've been casing the joint.
We got time here.
You're not that interesting.
Okay, okay.
So if you were gonna pull off a heist, like, in this room, right now, how would you do it? One last heist before I go? This isn't the movies, kid.
No, come on, humor me.
I have cancer.
Who's the mark, smartass? Drunky bitch.
Yeah, let's steal her wallet.
Okay, fine.
I'll play.
We're lucky today.
I got CO Ford.
He actually gets off his ass to check the driver once an hour.
Takes five minutes.
Then he takes a bathroom break.
So two minutes.
Good.
Then he takes a coffee, that's another four, tops.
And the receptionist is a smoker.
She takes a break every three hours, on the dot.
So how do I know which purse is Drunky's? Feel for the one with the flask.
Smokey's last break was one-hour-fifteen ago.
So what, do we just We just wait? We wait.
It'd be faster if you go down Steinway.
Except there's construction.
Andy, you gotta find a way around it, okay? No problem.
Will you two stop? Hey, this is work.
Work now, ass-play later.
I got it.
Okay, listen.
We're looking at three tellers and one guard.
I'll cover the guard.
Don, you do the cash.
Okay? And we gotta do this before noon, because it's Friday and they add extra people in after lunch.
Can you handle the guard? This fucking guy.
Could I handle the guard in Bayside? The two in First National? Wasn't me who freaked out at Commerce Bank, was it, Don? Okay.
We ready to roll? I'm off.
Hold up.
One more thing.
_ Oh, you gotta do this every time? It's good luck.
Pull over.
Pull over here.
There's the car.
Andy, what are you doing? We gotta do the switch! Let's go.
I need a minute.
Papi, we don't got minutes.
Come on, there's no time to rest.
Rosa! I think he's having a heart attack.
Let's go.
_ Please, don't do this, Papi.
Please, okay? We gotta see Niagara Falls, okay? We got tickets to Cats.
Please, Papi.
Please.
Oh, my God! This can't be happening again.
Not again.
_ Hello, you've reached Carol Chapman.
Please leave your name, number, and an ever so brief message and I'll Oh, my God, where are they? One call per inmate.
There's a line.
That wasn't even a call.
You hung up.
Get back in line.
I need to make arrangements for my furlough.
Fine.
Sure, it's dry for a Veltliner.
Grüner Veltliner is a sweet wine.
I told you he doesn't like sweet whites.
That's why you didn't get the contract.
Meanwhile, she's dictating a novel.
You, Chapman that lip gloss? No, no, no, no.
These are just my lips.
What about the eyelashes? - I was born with them.
- Fine.
He wouldn't have let me down.
Shit.
It's supposed to light on fire.
It's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen.
Hey, am I wrong to assume that you and Fischer have been riding the hobby horse? I don't kiss and tell, but, uh I fucked her.
No, you didn't.
- I grabbed her boobs.
- No, you didn't.
- No, I did! - Really? Hmm.
It's farther than I got.
- Jealous? - Nah.
Not at all.
Now I know she has horrible taste.
- See? - Whoa! Mmm-hmm.
Told you.
How does that even work? Come on, you're head of electrical.
Yeah, I know, but how's that work? Luschek! Inmate! There better be a dozen batteries there.
Count 'em again.
Uh.
One, two, three Fuck, man, what comes after three? I forgot.
You haven't been smoking out here, have you? Why do you assume I'm a smoker? 'Cause you grew up in Oswego.
Well, I quit.
More money for whiskey.
I smell smoke.
Is that mascara? Why do you have mascara? 'Cause they sell it at commissary.
- Keep your people in line.
- All right.
Now, what are those tits like? That article keeps on cutting off my comic.
Now they got no feet! Oh, she's wearing heels! Now I get who the pig is.
You should have her holding money bags, too.
"Dear Flaca, "my bunkie's lifting my shit.
How should I handle the situation?" You can't say, "shit.
" Well, can I say, "bitch"? 'Cause here's what Flaca say, "Try to reason with the bitch to lay off the sticky fingers, "but if she doesn't listen, "you know, drag her to a place where no one can see, "and bash her head real good.
" Jesus saw that.
You can't write any of that.
You know the administration needs to approve all of this.
Why don't you tell her to go buy a sturdy lock at the commissary? That's what I'm saying.
Buy a lock, stick it in a sock and slock the bitch down.
No.
We have to finish this up.
This has to be done by tomorrow.
I thought we had till Tuesday? Mmm-mmm.
I won't be here Tuesday.
Oh, what, you takin' a personal day? No, I got furlough.
- For real? - No Wait, no fucking way.
Yeah.
My grandmother's sick.
I applied and it went through.
I applied, too! I even had people call the warden.
That shit never works! I know.
I had almost completely given up.
Now Now I get to go, say goodbye.
Tell her how much I love her.
Yo, get that shit out of the way in, like, in five minutes.
You know, say what you gotta say, like, super quick.
Then be like, "Peace, abuelita! "I'll be in the club with my Long Island and my fatty, making it clap!" No way that white ass is gonna clap.
Hey, hey, hey.
Girls are gonna be pissed at you.
- I kinda wanna punch you right now.
- Me, too.
You better watch your back.
- You got furlough, Chapman? - I did.
I've been in the Catholic Church a lot of years and this is my first honest-to-goodness miracle.
Use it well.
I will.
I'm gonna go and be with my grandmother and ask her all the questions I never got to ask.
What is that? Smoothie.
Kale and dates and, uh, almond milk.
- You smoke? - No, but I chew tobacco sometimes.
Chewing tobacco defeats the purpose of drinking kale, doesn't it? Well, I like to think that they cancel each other out, maybe.
Um, can I help you with something? Or Contraband.
I feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole here.
I beat it down in one place and it pops up in another.
- Yeah.
- You need to tell me if you see anything.
- Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
- Yeah? Don't you dare try to protect anyone.
I know it's hard.
I know you make friends in this place.
- No, I, I don't I don't - You do.
It happens.
Sometimes you don't even realize it's happening, and, all of a sudden, you find yourself trusting somebody.
You're asking somebody advice That person is not your friend.
That person What? Fuck.
The fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, hey, look at me, I'm still here.
I'm just doing my job, Morello.
Fischer never came to visit when she had Rosa.
You know what she'd do? She'd bring me a Heath bar and a cold Dr.
Pepper at the end of the day.
Isn't that thoughtful? Ah! Maybe you could do that when you come to check on me.
- I'll see you in an hour, Morello.
- Okay, fine, fine.
Maybe you could just bring me an empty bottle that I could pee into.
I can't leave the van, right? Oh, you can get out and take a squat in the back and then get back in.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Uh, well, I'm going off to the bathroom.
_ Nurse? Nurse? Can you come over here, please? Is everything okay? I think my port is leaking.
Uh No, looks fine to me.
Oh, what a beautiful ring! Oh! What is that? Two carats? It is.
What, were you a jewel thief? Nah, that was never my main gig, but I like the bling.
- Six grand? - Warm.
- Seven? Eight? - Eight and a half.
My fiancé is a regional manager for Foodtown.
- He had to save up for - Good for him.
I'm a little thirsty.
Can I have some water, please? Oh.
Yeah, sure.
It was a false alarm.
The fuck, kid? I never thought I'd get so excited over $63.
- $20? - That's your cut.
- I did all the work! - I was the brains of the operation.
Yusef Miremadi.
She was the brains.
Your mom is here.
The doctor needs to speak with you.
Mama's boy.
Uh I will be back.
Okay, but this is not enough.
It's never enough.
Fifty grand! We're not home yet.
Cool it.
Oh, so serious.
Come on, we kissed before.
It's time for the after kiss.
You know I won't do that.
No.
It's bad luck.
Cut it out.
We gotta drive more! Pull over right here.
You're all hot from the job? Fine.
What are you doing? I don't wanna fuck now.
I wanna rob that bank.
- We just did one.
- Let's do one more! We don't know nothing about that bank.
Okay? We don't know who's working, where the alarms are.
All right? This is crazy.
I'm not doing it.
Well, I don't need you.
Yes, you do need me, Rosa.
What are you doing? Look at you thinking you're all hot shit 'cause you got furlough.
I ought to give you a skullet.
What's a skullet? A mullet with the top shaved.
Ugh! Well, you might as well.
My family is expecting a hardened felon.
It would be nice to meet their expectations for once.
You got 48 hours in the free world, kid.
You got big plans? Be with my family watch my grandmother fade away.
Oh, come on.
That can't be it.
You gonna stay with your husband? No Well, he's not my husband.
And I don't even know if we're friends anymore.
I mean, when I think of my home, I think of where we lived together, but I don't live there anymore.
I don't even know if my stuff is still there.
I don't even know if my lotions are on the sink, or if he took them all and he put them in a bag and they're all just leaking all over each other.
Or if he just left them there.
God forbid he should change, or do, or notice anything.
Things are a little complicated between us right now.
So, how'd you do it, Chapman? Did you give Healy a little reach-around? God, no, no.
No! No, I think that they might've finally taken pity on me.
I mean, I'm about to lose somebody that I love.
Maybe, maybe, this prison has a heart after all.
Bullshit! I applied twice.
When my husband had open heart surgery and for the birth of my first grandchild.
They told me to go fuck myself.
Never held the baby.
And I love me some baby holding.
I applied, too.
Nothing.
What for? My father had a lung transplant that didn't take.
We hadn't spoken since I transitioned.
He was a real hard-ass.
But in the end, he started asking for me.
He even used my new name, Sophia.
People get soft, you know, when they dying.
If I could've seen him, I don't know may have felt like closure.
But we don't get a lot of that in this life now, do we? Add it to my list of regrets.
But grandmothers, they important, too.
What are you doing? What are you looking for? Use your words.
Where is it? What? The cilantro, the squash? Are you gonna smash every pot? You bet your ass.
This is the last time, Red, you pull one over on me.
All right.
Let me help you.
What? Isn't this what we're doing now? Isn't this what we're doing? Here, this is the last one.
You wanna do the honors? No? Okay, then.
That's that.
I hope it was therapeutic for you.
I don't mind being criticized, it's not that, I just think that if she's so set on enforcing the rules, then maybe she shouldn't undermine my authority in front of the inmates.
Some of us control with muscle, some of us control with charm.
You know, you and me, we're charm.
Something funny? This whole shot quota's a bad idea.
It's making things harder for everyone.
And all the friggin' paperwork.
I don't mind the paperwork.
Gives me a chance to get off my feet.
But what if you're tied up doing paperwork and a fight breaks out and it turns into a prison riot? And you could've stopped it, but you didn't, because you were in your office doing paperwork? You ever have those dreams where you save everybody? Sometimes.
One time, I received the Congressional Medal of Honor.
Nice.
What? You got something to say, out with it.
We don't think the shot quota's reasonable.
It doesn't improve conditions.
It creates mistrust between the inmates and the staff.
You'd like them to trust you more? Well, I'd like them to think that when they're disciplined, it's justified.
I mean, otherwise, why follow the rules at all? And the same goes for us.
I don't think it's fair that I was yelled at.
In order for me to run this facility, I need all of you to comply with my directives whether you find them "reasonable" or not.
The rules come from the top down.
Yeah, but there are rules that we don't even enforce consistently.
And then we get blamed Fischer! This is not the appropriate time or place to air your complaint.
Well, Mr.
Caputo, I'm sorry, but I have to speak my mind.
You can't just punish someone arbitrarily to make an example of them You're fired.
What? I tried to warn you.
You'll be paid through the end of the month.
Does anyone else have the burning desire to speak their mind? Good.
Oh, Blanca, Blanca, I got that.
I got that.
Dámelo.
Go clean the mixer.
_ Please.
That girl's as useless as balls on a dildo since she came back from seg.
And she was there, what? Three minutes? Can I help you? Brought you a gift.
I don't need no more stale-ass tobacco.
This is to make up for that.
This is fresh, I promise.
Put some peppermint in it, turned it into a menthol.
CO catches you back here, you gonna get a shot.
So, uh, you and, uh you and Red on friendly terms now? Doesn't concern you.
Damn, that woman knows how to run a game on people.
I could tell you some stories.
Hey, have you ever heard of the fable of the scorpion and the frog? What, I'm the fucking frog? You two in cahoots.
I know she's doing business.
Let me guess.
You've got a vendor connection and she's handling your sales.
I'm just here to cook.
Whatever Red's got going, got nothing to do with me.
You want a partner? I promise I'm a much better bet, because all Red wants is to get her kitchen back.
You listen to me.
Whatever you think you know, you don't.
I'm keeping my hands clean, my shit polished.
I got no connections with vendors or illegal swag coming through.
And I don't trust any of you crazy bitches.
You're both fucking scorpions.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Fuck.
Hey, listen, in the grand scheme of things, I mean, what's a cigarette, really? You know, it's a plant and some paper.
When you think about all the horrible things I could be doing.
Smoke all you want.
I don't care anymore.
I got fired.
Oh.
Hey, good for you.
You don't get it.
What am I gonna do now? I'm not good at stuff.
Well, for sure, you weren't great at this.
But that reflects highly on you, trust me.
I had medical and dental.
I was paying off my Kia.
You're a decent human being, you know.
Getting canned from this soul-sucking pit is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Go home, take a hot bath, and start looking into technical colleges.
Or cosmetology.
Learn to wax armpits and vag lips.
There's a million things out there for you.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah, shoot.
Like, a while back, were you hitting on me? We don't dream, we die, right? So, how'd I do? I thought about it.
Seriously? Not in a thousand years.
But thank you.
Susan, pack your shit and get the fuck out of here.
Are you gonna be okay? It is what it is.
Babe, you got fired? Lame.
Let me go see him.
We need to get back.
It's all part of my escape plan.
He's going to distract you with his tears.
Just give me a second.
It's the fucking curse.
I pull you in.
I don't kiss you, but still, we did a job.
What are you talking about? I told you, all the men in my life die.
I'm not a man in your life.
Okay? You said so yourself, I'm a little shitpot.
You're too fucking young to die.
So I'm not gonna die.
I'm done with chemo.
I'm in remission.
Listen, Rosa, it's been a lot of fun hanging out.
It's been a trip.
Congratulations.
Enjoy prison.
Enjoy your life, shitpot.
So, what should I say? You was right, I was wrong? Should've stuck with the band.
I'm clearly not a solo artist.
But at least you're still alive.
The curse never got you.
Well, I never did the after kiss.
Maybe that's what saved me.
Why did I do that? You didn't wanna fuck me.
Oh, but I did.
Just on a bigger bed of money.
Greedy me.
I miss the smell, Donny.
I love the smell of cash, man.
The excitement, the performance, the rush.
What am I gonna do in here for kicks? Mmm? You know, Chapman been getting special treatment since the minute she got here.
Figures she'd be the first to get furlough.
Man, I fucking blew it.
I had a solid two weeks out of this joint, and I wasted half that time looking for your sorry ass.
Fuck that.
You done found time to violate your probation, land your wide butt back up in here.
Bitch, at least you seen daylight outside this fence.
Man, I tried for six months to get furlough.
Clearly a dead black mom ain't no competition for a sick, old white granny.
You and your man aren't even together no more.
What a waste.
If I got out, me and Cesar would be fucking all damn day.
Diablo and I would go all day and all night.
Sick abuela.
The fuck you came up with that one? Christ, Chapman, everybody hates your fucking guts.
Yeah, what else is new? "Jealousy is as fierce as the grave," Song of Solomon.
Toni Morrison? The Bible, sweetie.
Man, people's parents fucking go.
Got sick people in here who can't get proper treatment.
Chapman ain't got no strife in her life, but bitch gets the red carpet laid out for her.
The new Jim Crow.
Bitch probably got down on her knees.
Took a mouthful of that pink Healy dick.
Yes, I am white! We have established that.
And I got furlough, too.
I guess white privilege wins again.
And as a speaker for the entire white race, I would like to say I am sorry that you guys got the raw deal, but I love my fucking grandmother.
And, yeah yeah, she may be a whitey, too but she's a fucking person and she's sick and she needs me! So shut the fuck up! It's not my problem.
You and Vee got beef, don't drag me into your shit.
I thought Puerto Ricans hated black people.
We don't like Russians neither.
- She's a bully.
- You're both fucking bullies and I don't trust neither one of you.
Now I said that I will help you and I did.
But I am not gonna get caught up in the middle of some whitey versus blackie war.
Y'all got history, I want nothing to do with that.
I'll get it out as soon as I can.
You've got tres días.
That's "three days" in English.
Sí, señora.
In the meantime, is that really the best that you can do? What? I saved your ass, bitch.
Here's your shit, all safe and sound.
You want Caputo playing hot and cold in your greenhouse? 'Cause we can go right back to your little planter system right now.
Okay, okay.
I appreciate the gesture.
Give me a little time for things to cool down.
I've got your order coming.
Deal's still on.
We're good, you and me, huh? We're good.
Mr.
Healy, I can't take my furlough.
I wanna give it back.
There are people here who are way more needy.
There are people here whose parents are sick.
- Children - For Christ's sake, what is with you? Look, I don't even understand why you did this for me.
You hate me! Nobody gets this! Chapman, I spent my morning telling an old lady that she has terminal cancer and that the DOC won't cover her surgery.
And she said I was useless.
And you know what? She was right.
When I started this job, I was very idealistic.
I was gonna make a difference.
But I'm a paper pusher.
I fill out forms.
Most of what I do is, I keep you safe and clean.
And occasionally, once in a blue moon, I get an opportunity to give one of those forms an extra nudge.
- Most people would be grateful.
- I was.
I am! Until it turned me into a target! There's no taking back furlough.
When your ride is ready, you be in that car on your way to see your sick grandmother.
And girls will talk and they'll get jealous, and, yes, it's possible they may even try to slock you in your sleep, but ignore them.
Chapman, people die, and you don't get that moment back.
So you go and see her and you tell her how much you love her and you tell her how sorry you are for letting her down.
You clear your conscience.
This is about saying goodbye.
I'm giving you that.
Take it.
Okay, I will.
That wasn't bad.
Your counseling.
You did a good job.
Morning.
I brought you some plants.
They're in smaller pots, you see? You're gonna grow 'em in here? No, these are for you.
Uh, I'm not gonna grow in here.
I don't have the time.
I'll find some other way to relax.
Make sure Red gets those, okay? If you had one day on the outside, how would you spend it? Oh go to my market, taste the pirozhkis, make sure Dimitri hasn't let it all go to shit.
The what? The piroso Pirosis? Pirozhkis.
Stuffed buns, like a meat pie.
I was famous for them.
On Sunday there'd be a line out the door.
It was my favorite day.
I'd imagine the families laughing, talking, fighting, all while enjoying my pirozhkis.
It's in Queens, a quick ride on the N train.
Will you go? To your place? I wouldn't ask if I wasn't worried.
I need someone to check it out, order a sandwich, take a look let me know how it's running.
Can't you ask your sons? I don't think they're being honest with me.
I know you have family business.
I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.
I'm not sure if I need to be at the hospital.
Of course.
I don't know if I'll have time.
I'll go if I can.
Only if you have time.
How do you say that? Pirosees? - Pirozhkis.
- Pirozhkis.
The best.
Hell, what's with the back up? Latin girls have a lot of hair.
This is not right.
You cannot force me to shower.
I'm not hurting anybody.
My nose would disagree, and four complaints have been filed.
It's in the rules.
You shower regularly.
Who determines what's regular? Christ.
Let's go to C block.
No, I refuse.
I am demonstrating passive resistance.
We are demonstrating aggressive aggression.
Let's go, Pocahontas.
- Off with it, Soso.
- No! You better wash fast, bitch.
Because a shit storm coming up out of there any second now.
Hey, hey, hey, Kojak.
How'd it go yesterday? Did you see your little friend? He's in remission.
Oh! That's wonderful, right? Wonderful for him.
Come on.
Soon you'll be gettin' your clean bill of health.
No, soon I'm gonna be dead.
I always pictured myself going out in a blaze of glory.
Hail of gunfire, screech of tires.
But this kind of death this slow, invisible disappearing into nothing It's terrifying.
I'm gonna go back to sleep now.
The chemo, it wipes me out.
Yeah.
You do that.
Hello? Mom! God, I've been trying to get in touch with you guys for the past day.
My furlough went through! Piper? So, I need Daddy's license plate number or Cal's.
Who's coming? And, uh, a change of clothes.
- Piper? - A change of clothes.
Um, tell Larry the blue sweater.
I think it's at Polly's.
Grandmother's gone.
She passed last night.
But I'm getting out.
Honey? I missed it.
I missed it.
You were there in spirit.
Piper? Yes, Joe? I terminated Fischer yesterday.
She needs to get paid through the end of the month.
That must've been hard for you.
Please don't start.
We're already understaffed.
She had value.
I suppose you must've thought so.
We're not gonna get stuck with a sexual harassment suit, are we? Good.
As for the staffing issue, I understand it's hard to find quality people.
It takes a certain kind of je ne sais quoi to be effective in this environment.
"Je ne sais quoi" doesn't always work for 18 an hour.
I hire the best people I can find.
I know, and you're overwhelmed.
But we need some more muscle in here.
I'm gonna help you out.
I'll do my own hiring.
Thank you.
It's already been taken care of.
Who doesn't love a surgery with "ooph" in it? Yeah, well, uh the, uh, DOC has set certain limits on invasive It's not gonna happen.
You're not out of options.
We'll stick with the chemo.
"We"? You got cancer in your ovaries, too? I'm your counselor.
I'm here to help you through this.
There is no "through this.
" I'm gonna die.
Hey.
Come on, now.
You could live for years.
- That's a fucking lie.
- Language! Look, I know this is difficult for you.
My cousin had lung cancer.
It didn't look good for him, but he stuck with the chemo and now he's back fixing roofs in Oneonta.
Lucky duck, your cousin.
Me? Dead duck.
You have to try to remain positive.
No one knows the future.
Doctors know the future.
They think I need the surgery.
I wish I could help you.
But it's out of your hands.
It's always out of your hands.
You're all the same useless.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ - Okay? - Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
_ Ahora sí? _ Okay.
_ - Suits, on the floor! - Down! Okay! _ Just stay down.
No dye packs.
Don't want no Smurf money.
_ _ _ _ _ Don't! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ He got hit? _ We could take him to that vet.
_ Marco.
_ _ _ _ _ Marco? Looking good, Red.
You got a green thumb.
Look at this.
It's not rocket science.
What's that? Oh.
I was thinking I could take a little area for my own guys to bust out a little.
What are you planting? Vegetables.
Don't worry, I'll take care of 'em myself.
Come in in the morning, I'll sing 'em a little song Every morning? When it gets warmer, I'll move 'em outside.
Are you sure it's not too early? Because if they grow too big in here, they might not transplant well.
It's just little bitch vegetables like squash.
Broccoli is no pussy.
Don't worry, I know what I'm talking about.
This pot is way too big for this seedling.
You gotta make sure you're getting proper drainage here Don't! That's Jimmy's pot.
It's a bean stalk.
She thought she was going to steal a harp from a giant.
It was a whole just Okay.
If you're worried about the drainage, maybe you could buy me some smaller pots.
Yeah.
They'll probably do just fine.
Leave your seeds.
I'll get your plants going.
Nah.
Truth is, I like doing it myself.
Therapeutic.
See you tomorrow.
Good job.
I have to say, there is something gratifying about this, you know? Washing someone else's clothes, being of service to another human being.
Well, just wait till you come across some of them period-soaked panties or the shit stains on the undies and see how gratified you are.
I get what you're saying, Soso.
Taking something dirty, making it not dirty no more.
And speaking of washing.
You see they got a new kind of deodorant down at commissary? Powder fresh scent.
- Is that right? - Yeah.
Yeah, I may have to go check that out.
Guys, antiperspirant is so bad for you.
You know, it's completely toxic.
Our bodies are meant to breathe free.
Breathe, yeah.
Yeah.
You know, that makes me wish that we had some windows down here so we could air out the place, you know? Yeah, they're trying to say you stink.
I do? We know it's hard to get out of that depression funk thing when you first get here but You reek.
Go take a shower.
All right, Tucky.
Lay off.
Excuse me? Leanne, you lay off.
'Cause the Leanne I knew would've told this dirty hippie to go wash her hairy pits and her parts.
But instead, you're off making new friends now, aren't ya? Hmm.
How's that going? Can't imagine well, because a real friend doesn't have to dance around the subject.
And a real friend just tells it like it is.
Watch and learn.
You smell like a fucking turtle tank.
Go take a fucking shower.
You try washing an 80-year-old woman when she's forgotten to shower for a month.
Strange things grow in the folds.
We hid Jimmy's condition for years.
Spent half our days tracking her down when she wandered, trying to get her back in time for count, watching her get worse every day.
How is she gonna eat? How is she gonna take care of herself? She'll end up on the street and then My guess, dead in a week.
Oh Don't get us wrong, it's disgusting what they done, and she is, was, a lovely woman.
So compassionate release is really just a dump and run? More like dump and sidle away like the sneaky, shitty spiders they are.
I know this guy, a reporter.
He might be able to help.
"Demented Granny Set Free," ain't a sexy headline and it ain't news.
No one gives a shit about old ladies.
We remind everyone that they're gonna die.
I don't feel that way.
I find it comforting to be around old people.
Glad we could be of service.
My grandmother is dying.
Sorry to hear that.
She taught me how to knit.
I made a blanket for my stuffed monkey.
It took me six months.
And then my mother sold it at a yard sale for a quarter.
Your mum sounds like a twat.
She can be.
But not my grandmother, no.
When Granddad died, she taught herself how to invest in the stock market and got really, really good at it.
She bought herself a house in Wellfleet and she started kayaking.
She always used to say to me, "Go out and eat the world, Piper.
"Don't you get stuck at home with some man.
" I may have taken that last part too literally.
Chapman.
Let me guess, "Dear Miss Chapman, no one gets furlough.
"Not you, not anyone, but especially not you.
"Love, the DOC.
" Am I warm? - Got your furlough.
- Funny.
Hey, watch the sarcasm.
I made a few phone calls, moved the process along.
You get to go and say goodbye to your nana.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Are you Are you serious? Don't ask questions, Chapman.
Just say, "Thank you.
" Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr.
Healy.
Thank you.
Okay.
You're welcome.
You're welcome, Chapman.
You're welcome.
Did Did he say furlough? You're deaf as a post, honey.
No one gets a furlough.
Good morning.
Morning.
How are you? Good morning, sunshine.
What's this? It's a hot chocolate.
A little sweet, for my - You.
- Thanks, Joel.
Ooh.
Was it too hot? Is there Schnapps in this? Yeah.
- That one's mine.
- Ugh! What's wrong with you? Babe, it's for flavor.
Don't call me babe.
You can't call me babe if you can't return my texts.
How many times do I have to tell you, I don't text.
All right, if you wanna talk to me, call.
Or drive over to my house.
You know, but after midnight, when my roommate's sleeping.
Caputo! Look at this.
Do you see this? Do you fucking see this? Your shoe? I see your shoe.
It's a nice shoe.
- Nice? - High.
These are fucking Louboutins with gum on the sole.
I stepped in gum, not two feet into the building.
Where are the prisoners getting gum? Gum is contraband, Caputo.
How the hell is it getting in, chewed, dropped and stuck to the bottom of my very expensive shoe? - I don't know.
- And that's what concerns me.
I'm enforcing your shot quota.
I'm doing everything I can.
Well, do better.
Take control.
You, do you work here? - Yes, ma'am.
- Don't call me "ma'am.
" I'm not an old lady you're bagging groceries for.
You are a correctional officer.
Your job is to enforce the rules.
- Do you know what the rules are? - Yes.
Because, right now, looking in an arbitrary direction, I see large earrings, I see unapproved makeup.
Am I the only one who sees this? Do I have super vision? Am I like the boy in The Sixth Sense who sees infractions no one else sees? Am I in a fucking M.
Night Shalamalama movie, or is that inmate wearing green eye shadow? I think it's pronounced Shyamalan.
I, uh, better get back to work.
Miss Figueroa, everyone wears makeup.
Oh, good, I'm not crazy.
So are you gonna do something about it, or are you just here for decoration? Inmate, hold up.
That was totally unnecessary.
Oh, did I make her sad puppy dog eyes look even sadder? Look, I know you have some kind of pathetic Love Is cartoon crush on her, but this isn't high school.
Do your job, or I will find someone who will.
And make this one take a shower.
So fucking tired all the time, I fall asleep everywhere.
It's like I'm a necrophiliac.
You guys come up with a plan yet, or what? Last idea was to pretend I'm fat, have it in the broom closet, and then sneak it out in his leg.
But I'm pretty sure he was kidding.
But he could be onto something though, you know? People around here seem to have all sorts of ways of gettin' shit in, so maybe you could figure out the reverse.
Top's extra for my kitchen, bottom's some perks for my girls.
Don't want any drama.
No drama, just business.
Hey, lady, are you taking her blood or giving her a tattoo? I'm doing my best.
Yeah, well, your best sucks.
Maybe you'll start vomiting soon so you can't talk so much, yes? Go stick your head in a bucket.
Thank you for defending my veins, bucket boy.
Yeah, well, she's a useless bitch.
She's a drunk.
What are you talking about? Watch, she'll drop off the blood at the window, circle back to the cabinet where they keep their purses and then she'll turn her back and she'll take a slug of something.
Then close it up and pop a piece of gum into her mouth.
She's like clockwork, every 20 minutes or so.
Shit! You've been casing the joint.
We got time here.
You're not that interesting.
Okay, okay.
So if you were gonna pull off a heist, like, in this room, right now, how would you do it? One last heist before I go? This isn't the movies, kid.
No, come on, humor me.
I have cancer.
Who's the mark, smartass? Drunky bitch.
Yeah, let's steal her wallet.
Okay, fine.
I'll play.
We're lucky today.
I got CO Ford.
He actually gets off his ass to check the driver once an hour.
Takes five minutes.
Then he takes a bathroom break.
So two minutes.
Good.
Then he takes a coffee, that's another four, tops.
And the receptionist is a smoker.
She takes a break every three hours, on the dot.
So how do I know which purse is Drunky's? Feel for the one with the flask.
Smokey's last break was one-hour-fifteen ago.
So what, do we just We just wait? We wait.
It'd be faster if you go down Steinway.
Except there's construction.
Andy, you gotta find a way around it, okay? No problem.
Will you two stop? Hey, this is work.
Work now, ass-play later.
I got it.
Okay, listen.
We're looking at three tellers and one guard.
I'll cover the guard.
Don, you do the cash.
Okay? And we gotta do this before noon, because it's Friday and they add extra people in after lunch.
Can you handle the guard? This fucking guy.
Could I handle the guard in Bayside? The two in First National? Wasn't me who freaked out at Commerce Bank, was it, Don? Okay.
We ready to roll? I'm off.
Hold up.
One more thing.
_ Oh, you gotta do this every time? It's good luck.
Pull over.
Pull over here.
There's the car.
Andy, what are you doing? We gotta do the switch! Let's go.
I need a minute.
Papi, we don't got minutes.
Come on, there's no time to rest.
Rosa! I think he's having a heart attack.
Let's go.
_ Please, don't do this, Papi.
Please, okay? We gotta see Niagara Falls, okay? We got tickets to Cats.
Please, Papi.
Please.
Oh, my God! This can't be happening again.
Not again.
_ Hello, you've reached Carol Chapman.
Please leave your name, number, and an ever so brief message and I'll Oh, my God, where are they? One call per inmate.
There's a line.
That wasn't even a call.
You hung up.
Get back in line.
I need to make arrangements for my furlough.
Fine.
Sure, it's dry for a Veltliner.
Grüner Veltliner is a sweet wine.
I told you he doesn't like sweet whites.
That's why you didn't get the contract.
Meanwhile, she's dictating a novel.
You, Chapman that lip gloss? No, no, no, no.
These are just my lips.
What about the eyelashes? - I was born with them.
- Fine.
He wouldn't have let me down.
Shit.
It's supposed to light on fire.
It's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen.
Hey, am I wrong to assume that you and Fischer have been riding the hobby horse? I don't kiss and tell, but, uh I fucked her.
No, you didn't.
- I grabbed her boobs.
- No, you didn't.
- No, I did! - Really? Hmm.
It's farther than I got.
- Jealous? - Nah.
Not at all.
Now I know she has horrible taste.
- See? - Whoa! Mmm-hmm.
Told you.
How does that even work? Come on, you're head of electrical.
Yeah, I know, but how's that work? Luschek! Inmate! There better be a dozen batteries there.
Count 'em again.
Uh.
One, two, three Fuck, man, what comes after three? I forgot.
You haven't been smoking out here, have you? Why do you assume I'm a smoker? 'Cause you grew up in Oswego.
Well, I quit.
More money for whiskey.
I smell smoke.
Is that mascara? Why do you have mascara? 'Cause they sell it at commissary.
- Keep your people in line.
- All right.
Now, what are those tits like? That article keeps on cutting off my comic.
Now they got no feet! Oh, she's wearing heels! Now I get who the pig is.
You should have her holding money bags, too.
"Dear Flaca, "my bunkie's lifting my shit.
How should I handle the situation?" You can't say, "shit.
" Well, can I say, "bitch"? 'Cause here's what Flaca say, "Try to reason with the bitch to lay off the sticky fingers, "but if she doesn't listen, "you know, drag her to a place where no one can see, "and bash her head real good.
" Jesus saw that.
You can't write any of that.
You know the administration needs to approve all of this.
Why don't you tell her to go buy a sturdy lock at the commissary? That's what I'm saying.
Buy a lock, stick it in a sock and slock the bitch down.
No.
We have to finish this up.
This has to be done by tomorrow.
I thought we had till Tuesday? Mmm-mmm.
I won't be here Tuesday.
Oh, what, you takin' a personal day? No, I got furlough.
- For real? - No Wait, no fucking way.
Yeah.
My grandmother's sick.
I applied and it went through.
I applied, too! I even had people call the warden.
That shit never works! I know.
I had almost completely given up.
Now Now I get to go, say goodbye.
Tell her how much I love her.
Yo, get that shit out of the way in, like, in five minutes.
You know, say what you gotta say, like, super quick.
Then be like, "Peace, abuelita! "I'll be in the club with my Long Island and my fatty, making it clap!" No way that white ass is gonna clap.
Hey, hey, hey.
Girls are gonna be pissed at you.
- I kinda wanna punch you right now.
- Me, too.
You better watch your back.
- You got furlough, Chapman? - I did.
I've been in the Catholic Church a lot of years and this is my first honest-to-goodness miracle.
Use it well.
I will.
I'm gonna go and be with my grandmother and ask her all the questions I never got to ask.
What is that? Smoothie.
Kale and dates and, uh, almond milk.
- You smoke? - No, but I chew tobacco sometimes.
Chewing tobacco defeats the purpose of drinking kale, doesn't it? Well, I like to think that they cancel each other out, maybe.
Um, can I help you with something? Or Contraband.
I feel like I'm playing whack-a-mole here.
I beat it down in one place and it pops up in another.
- Yeah.
- You need to tell me if you see anything.
- Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
- Yeah? Don't you dare try to protect anyone.
I know it's hard.
I know you make friends in this place.
- No, I, I don't I don't - You do.
It happens.
Sometimes you don't even realize it's happening, and, all of a sudden, you find yourself trusting somebody.
You're asking somebody advice That person is not your friend.
That person What? Fuck.
The fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, hey, look at me, I'm still here.
I'm just doing my job, Morello.
Fischer never came to visit when she had Rosa.
You know what she'd do? She'd bring me a Heath bar and a cold Dr.
Pepper at the end of the day.
Isn't that thoughtful? Ah! Maybe you could do that when you come to check on me.
- I'll see you in an hour, Morello.
- Okay, fine, fine.
Maybe you could just bring me an empty bottle that I could pee into.
I can't leave the van, right? Oh, you can get out and take a squat in the back and then get back in.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Uh, well, I'm going off to the bathroom.
_ Nurse? Nurse? Can you come over here, please? Is everything okay? I think my port is leaking.
Uh No, looks fine to me.
Oh, what a beautiful ring! Oh! What is that? Two carats? It is.
What, were you a jewel thief? Nah, that was never my main gig, but I like the bling.
- Six grand? - Warm.
- Seven? Eight? - Eight and a half.
My fiancé is a regional manager for Foodtown.
- He had to save up for - Good for him.
I'm a little thirsty.
Can I have some water, please? Oh.
Yeah, sure.
It was a false alarm.
The fuck, kid? I never thought I'd get so excited over $63.
- $20? - That's your cut.
- I did all the work! - I was the brains of the operation.
Yusef Miremadi.
She was the brains.
Your mom is here.
The doctor needs to speak with you.
Mama's boy.
Uh I will be back.
Okay, but this is not enough.
It's never enough.
Fifty grand! We're not home yet.
Cool it.
Oh, so serious.
Come on, we kissed before.
It's time for the after kiss.
You know I won't do that.
No.
It's bad luck.
Cut it out.
We gotta drive more! Pull over right here.
You're all hot from the job? Fine.
What are you doing? I don't wanna fuck now.
I wanna rob that bank.
- We just did one.
- Let's do one more! We don't know nothing about that bank.
Okay? We don't know who's working, where the alarms are.
All right? This is crazy.
I'm not doing it.
Well, I don't need you.
Yes, you do need me, Rosa.
What are you doing? Look at you thinking you're all hot shit 'cause you got furlough.
I ought to give you a skullet.
What's a skullet? A mullet with the top shaved.
Ugh! Well, you might as well.
My family is expecting a hardened felon.
It would be nice to meet their expectations for once.
You got 48 hours in the free world, kid.
You got big plans? Be with my family watch my grandmother fade away.
Oh, come on.
That can't be it.
You gonna stay with your husband? No Well, he's not my husband.
And I don't even know if we're friends anymore.
I mean, when I think of my home, I think of where we lived together, but I don't live there anymore.
I don't even know if my stuff is still there.
I don't even know if my lotions are on the sink, or if he took them all and he put them in a bag and they're all just leaking all over each other.
Or if he just left them there.
God forbid he should change, or do, or notice anything.
Things are a little complicated between us right now.
So, how'd you do it, Chapman? Did you give Healy a little reach-around? God, no, no.
No! No, I think that they might've finally taken pity on me.
I mean, I'm about to lose somebody that I love.
Maybe, maybe, this prison has a heart after all.
Bullshit! I applied twice.
When my husband had open heart surgery and for the birth of my first grandchild.
They told me to go fuck myself.
Never held the baby.
And I love me some baby holding.
I applied, too.
Nothing.
What for? My father had a lung transplant that didn't take.
We hadn't spoken since I transitioned.
He was a real hard-ass.
But in the end, he started asking for me.
He even used my new name, Sophia.
People get soft, you know, when they dying.
If I could've seen him, I don't know may have felt like closure.
But we don't get a lot of that in this life now, do we? Add it to my list of regrets.
But grandmothers, they important, too.
What are you doing? What are you looking for? Use your words.
Where is it? What? The cilantro, the squash? Are you gonna smash every pot? You bet your ass.
This is the last time, Red, you pull one over on me.
All right.
Let me help you.
What? Isn't this what we're doing now? Isn't this what we're doing? Here, this is the last one.
You wanna do the honors? No? Okay, then.
That's that.
I hope it was therapeutic for you.
I don't mind being criticized, it's not that, I just think that if she's so set on enforcing the rules, then maybe she shouldn't undermine my authority in front of the inmates.
Some of us control with muscle, some of us control with charm.
You know, you and me, we're charm.
Something funny? This whole shot quota's a bad idea.
It's making things harder for everyone.
And all the friggin' paperwork.
I don't mind the paperwork.
Gives me a chance to get off my feet.
But what if you're tied up doing paperwork and a fight breaks out and it turns into a prison riot? And you could've stopped it, but you didn't, because you were in your office doing paperwork? You ever have those dreams where you save everybody? Sometimes.
One time, I received the Congressional Medal of Honor.
Nice.
What? You got something to say, out with it.
We don't think the shot quota's reasonable.
It doesn't improve conditions.
It creates mistrust between the inmates and the staff.
You'd like them to trust you more? Well, I'd like them to think that when they're disciplined, it's justified.
I mean, otherwise, why follow the rules at all? And the same goes for us.
I don't think it's fair that I was yelled at.
In order for me to run this facility, I need all of you to comply with my directives whether you find them "reasonable" or not.
The rules come from the top down.
Yeah, but there are rules that we don't even enforce consistently.
And then we get blamed Fischer! This is not the appropriate time or place to air your complaint.
Well, Mr.
Caputo, I'm sorry, but I have to speak my mind.
You can't just punish someone arbitrarily to make an example of them You're fired.
What? I tried to warn you.
You'll be paid through the end of the month.
Does anyone else have the burning desire to speak their mind? Good.
Oh, Blanca, Blanca, I got that.
I got that.
Dámelo.
Go clean the mixer.
_ Please.
That girl's as useless as balls on a dildo since she came back from seg.
And she was there, what? Three minutes? Can I help you? Brought you a gift.
I don't need no more stale-ass tobacco.
This is to make up for that.
This is fresh, I promise.
Put some peppermint in it, turned it into a menthol.
CO catches you back here, you gonna get a shot.
So, uh, you and, uh you and Red on friendly terms now? Doesn't concern you.
Damn, that woman knows how to run a game on people.
I could tell you some stories.
Hey, have you ever heard of the fable of the scorpion and the frog? What, I'm the fucking frog? You two in cahoots.
I know she's doing business.
Let me guess.
You've got a vendor connection and she's handling your sales.
I'm just here to cook.
Whatever Red's got going, got nothing to do with me.
You want a partner? I promise I'm a much better bet, because all Red wants is to get her kitchen back.
You listen to me.
Whatever you think you know, you don't.
I'm keeping my hands clean, my shit polished.
I got no connections with vendors or illegal swag coming through.
And I don't trust any of you crazy bitches.
You're both fucking scorpions.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Fuck.
Hey, listen, in the grand scheme of things, I mean, what's a cigarette, really? You know, it's a plant and some paper.
When you think about all the horrible things I could be doing.
Smoke all you want.
I don't care anymore.
I got fired.
Oh.
Hey, good for you.
You don't get it.
What am I gonna do now? I'm not good at stuff.
Well, for sure, you weren't great at this.
But that reflects highly on you, trust me.
I had medical and dental.
I was paying off my Kia.
You're a decent human being, you know.
Getting canned from this soul-sucking pit is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Go home, take a hot bath, and start looking into technical colleges.
Or cosmetology.
Learn to wax armpits and vag lips.
There's a million things out there for you.
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah, shoot.
Like, a while back, were you hitting on me? We don't dream, we die, right? So, how'd I do? I thought about it.
Seriously? Not in a thousand years.
But thank you.
Susan, pack your shit and get the fuck out of here.
Are you gonna be okay? It is what it is.
Babe, you got fired? Lame.
Let me go see him.
We need to get back.
It's all part of my escape plan.
He's going to distract you with his tears.
Just give me a second.
It's the fucking curse.
I pull you in.
I don't kiss you, but still, we did a job.
What are you talking about? I told you, all the men in my life die.
I'm not a man in your life.
Okay? You said so yourself, I'm a little shitpot.
You're too fucking young to die.
So I'm not gonna die.
I'm done with chemo.
I'm in remission.
Listen, Rosa, it's been a lot of fun hanging out.
It's been a trip.
Congratulations.
Enjoy prison.
Enjoy your life, shitpot.
So, what should I say? You was right, I was wrong? Should've stuck with the band.
I'm clearly not a solo artist.
But at least you're still alive.
The curse never got you.
Well, I never did the after kiss.
Maybe that's what saved me.
Why did I do that? You didn't wanna fuck me.
Oh, but I did.
Just on a bigger bed of money.
Greedy me.
I miss the smell, Donny.
I love the smell of cash, man.
The excitement, the performance, the rush.
What am I gonna do in here for kicks? Mmm? You know, Chapman been getting special treatment since the minute she got here.
Figures she'd be the first to get furlough.
Man, I fucking blew it.
I had a solid two weeks out of this joint, and I wasted half that time looking for your sorry ass.
Fuck that.
You done found time to violate your probation, land your wide butt back up in here.
Bitch, at least you seen daylight outside this fence.
Man, I tried for six months to get furlough.
Clearly a dead black mom ain't no competition for a sick, old white granny.
You and your man aren't even together no more.
What a waste.
If I got out, me and Cesar would be fucking all damn day.
Diablo and I would go all day and all night.
Sick abuela.
The fuck you came up with that one? Christ, Chapman, everybody hates your fucking guts.
Yeah, what else is new? "Jealousy is as fierce as the grave," Song of Solomon.
Toni Morrison? The Bible, sweetie.
Man, people's parents fucking go.
Got sick people in here who can't get proper treatment.
Chapman ain't got no strife in her life, but bitch gets the red carpet laid out for her.
The new Jim Crow.
Bitch probably got down on her knees.
Took a mouthful of that pink Healy dick.
Yes, I am white! We have established that.
And I got furlough, too.
I guess white privilege wins again.
And as a speaker for the entire white race, I would like to say I am sorry that you guys got the raw deal, but I love my fucking grandmother.
And, yeah yeah, she may be a whitey, too but she's a fucking person and she's sick and she needs me! So shut the fuck up! It's not my problem.
You and Vee got beef, don't drag me into your shit.
I thought Puerto Ricans hated black people.
We don't like Russians neither.
- She's a bully.
- You're both fucking bullies and I don't trust neither one of you.
Now I said that I will help you and I did.
But I am not gonna get caught up in the middle of some whitey versus blackie war.
Y'all got history, I want nothing to do with that.
I'll get it out as soon as I can.
You've got tres días.
That's "three days" in English.
Sí, señora.
In the meantime, is that really the best that you can do? What? I saved your ass, bitch.
Here's your shit, all safe and sound.
You want Caputo playing hot and cold in your greenhouse? 'Cause we can go right back to your little planter system right now.
Okay, okay.
I appreciate the gesture.
Give me a little time for things to cool down.
I've got your order coming.
Deal's still on.
We're good, you and me, huh? We're good.
Mr.
Healy, I can't take my furlough.
I wanna give it back.
There are people here who are way more needy.
There are people here whose parents are sick.
- Children - For Christ's sake, what is with you? Look, I don't even understand why you did this for me.
You hate me! Nobody gets this! Chapman, I spent my morning telling an old lady that she has terminal cancer and that the DOC won't cover her surgery.
And she said I was useless.
And you know what? She was right.
When I started this job, I was very idealistic.
I was gonna make a difference.
But I'm a paper pusher.
I fill out forms.
Most of what I do is, I keep you safe and clean.
And occasionally, once in a blue moon, I get an opportunity to give one of those forms an extra nudge.
- Most people would be grateful.
- I was.
I am! Until it turned me into a target! There's no taking back furlough.
When your ride is ready, you be in that car on your way to see your sick grandmother.
And girls will talk and they'll get jealous, and, yes, it's possible they may even try to slock you in your sleep, but ignore them.
Chapman, people die, and you don't get that moment back.
So you go and see her and you tell her how much you love her and you tell her how sorry you are for letting her down.
You clear your conscience.
This is about saying goodbye.
I'm giving you that.
Take it.
Okay, I will.
That wasn't bad.
Your counseling.
You did a good job.
Morning.
I brought you some plants.
They're in smaller pots, you see? You're gonna grow 'em in here? No, these are for you.
Uh, I'm not gonna grow in here.
I don't have the time.
I'll find some other way to relax.
Make sure Red gets those, okay? If you had one day on the outside, how would you spend it? Oh go to my market, taste the pirozhkis, make sure Dimitri hasn't let it all go to shit.
The what? The piroso Pirosis? Pirozhkis.
Stuffed buns, like a meat pie.
I was famous for them.
On Sunday there'd be a line out the door.
It was my favorite day.
I'd imagine the families laughing, talking, fighting, all while enjoying my pirozhkis.
It's in Queens, a quick ride on the N train.
Will you go? To your place? I wouldn't ask if I wasn't worried.
I need someone to check it out, order a sandwich, take a look let me know how it's running.
Can't you ask your sons? I don't think they're being honest with me.
I know you have family business.
I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.
I'm not sure if I need to be at the hospital.
Of course.
I don't know if I'll have time.
I'll go if I can.
Only if you have time.
How do you say that? Pirosees? - Pirozhkis.
- Pirozhkis.
The best.
Hell, what's with the back up? Latin girls have a lot of hair.
This is not right.
You cannot force me to shower.
I'm not hurting anybody.
My nose would disagree, and four complaints have been filed.
It's in the rules.
You shower regularly.
Who determines what's regular? Christ.
Let's go to C block.
No, I refuse.
I am demonstrating passive resistance.
We are demonstrating aggressive aggression.
Let's go, Pocahontas.
- Off with it, Soso.
- No! You better wash fast, bitch.
Because a shit storm coming up out of there any second now.
Hey, hey, hey, Kojak.
How'd it go yesterday? Did you see your little friend? He's in remission.
Oh! That's wonderful, right? Wonderful for him.
Come on.
Soon you'll be gettin' your clean bill of health.
No, soon I'm gonna be dead.
I always pictured myself going out in a blaze of glory.
Hail of gunfire, screech of tires.
But this kind of death this slow, invisible disappearing into nothing It's terrifying.
I'm gonna go back to sleep now.
The chemo, it wipes me out.
Yeah.
You do that.
Hello? Mom! God, I've been trying to get in touch with you guys for the past day.
My furlough went through! Piper? So, I need Daddy's license plate number or Cal's.
Who's coming? And, uh, a change of clothes.
- Piper? - A change of clothes.
Um, tell Larry the blue sweater.
I think it's at Polly's.
Grandmother's gone.
She passed last night.
But I'm getting out.
Honey? I missed it.
I missed it.
You were there in spirit.
Piper? Yes, Joe? I terminated Fischer yesterday.
She needs to get paid through the end of the month.
That must've been hard for you.
Please don't start.
We're already understaffed.
She had value.
I suppose you must've thought so.
We're not gonna get stuck with a sexual harassment suit, are we? Good.
As for the staffing issue, I understand it's hard to find quality people.
It takes a certain kind of je ne sais quoi to be effective in this environment.
"Je ne sais quoi" doesn't always work for 18 an hour.
I hire the best people I can find.
I know, and you're overwhelmed.
But we need some more muscle in here.
I'm gonna help you out.
I'll do my own hiring.
Thank you.
It's already been taken care of.