Orange Is the New Black s05e06 Episode Script

1 Poo! Poo! Poo! Poo! They said poo-poo.
We should sew up her butthole so she can't ever poo again.
That's what we should do.
But where would the poo go? It'd fill up her lungs until she couldn't breathe.
Are you okay, Leanne? I really think that you need to get that looked at.
Or at least put something over it other than a dryer sheet and rubber band.
I ain't going nowhere until this bitch gets what she deserves.
In America, everyone has the right to a fair trial.
Unless you brown! - Or poor! - Or famous! Or a white Christian! All right, all right.
I'm just gonna have a quick habeas corpus, quid pro quo with my client.
No go.
Look, 2007 Britney Spears on steroids you best step out of my way so I can talk to my friend.
Hey, your friend gave our only gun to a guard and then he shot off my best finger and escaped.
That hillbilly bitch needs to burn at the stake.
Yeah, like, crispy.
Hey, how about a high four? Oh! Leanne! Leanne, Leanne, Leanne.
Poo! Poo! Poo! Poo! All right.
All right.
Come on, come on.
Come on! What if it was you in there? Wouldn't you want that chance to explain yourself before you got thrown into a shit box? I mean, come on, let's be better than they are.
Let's have a little due process.
Due, due, due, due, due.
She said doo-doo.
- You got five minutes.
- Okay.
Hi.
Oh.
Okay, okay.
- Careful of the suit.
Yeah.
- Huh? Oh.
- What the hell were you thinking? - You mad at me? - Oh, definitely.
- Are they gonna murder me? Probably.
What we gonna do? - We're gonna give 'em a show.
Okay? - Okay.
First, you need to look remorseful.
- You know, sorry for what you've done.
- Oh, be upset.
Oh, yeah, I can do that.
- Yeah? - I can do that really easy.
I have a lot of practice from my shopliftin' days with Mama.
- Mmm-hmm.
- "Show Mama your sad face.
" Now, tell the nice man you didn't mean to put the shampoo bottles "down your underpants.
" Yeah.
Mama and I, we could work a Save-A-Lot like no one's business.
One time, Boo, I got away with stealing eight packs of chicken wings in my overalls.
But then I got caught with Cheez-Its.
'Cause square boxes, you know, they're just - They're harder, right? - Yeah, of course.
And sad face wasn't workin' that day because the manager was, like, a queer.
And he hated kids but Mama got off promisin' him somethin' called a popper? - Oh, yeah, I know what poppers are.
Yeah.
- Yeah? - So, anyway, watch.
Watch, watch.
- Hmm.
That's actually remarkable.
Let's show the ladies, shall we? That's it.
- Aw, you poor thing.
- I didn't mean to, Mama.
- Oh, come on.
- That's right.
- I'm sorry, Mama.
- That's right, I know.
I don't need a medal, but a little recognition would be nice.
I mean, the bringer of light should at least get a Twinkie out of it, right? You know, I told that whole room, "Hey, guess who fixed the power?" Nothing.
It's a tough fucking crowd.
Got any family out there? Yeah, me neither.
Hey, guys.
So it took me one whole minute to look this cute.
It only took me 30 seconds to get so pretty for you.
Rude.
What? I'm two years younger than you.
My mom always said shit starts to fall at, like, 29.
How come no one ever told me this before? I don't know.
Maybe they were protecting you.
But it's good that you know now.
Get on the defensive.
I stick my face in ice every day.
Like meat in the freezer.
It makes that shit last a whole lot longer.
Okay, shut off the fucking camera.
Now.
Hey.
All right, that's it.
Look, I don't know anything, okay? I didn't see anything.
Can I go home now? I wanna go home.
Just stack them in the entryway, please.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm carrying out orders from Governor Hutchinson.
And you? I'm in charge of this place and you're in my fucking way.
Is that how you always speak with women? No wonder they're rioting.
Explain to me how the governor's plan to de-escalate the situation includes rewarding the inmates with whatever the hell is in those boxes.
In the future, you should ask instead of demand.
The CERT team cannot guarantee ingress into the prison without casualties.
Governor Hutchinson cares about the lives in there, unlike other people involved.
That's you.
I'm talking about you.
The rest of us are taking the necessary steps to resolve this situation peacefully.
Thank you.
Uh, yeah, just keep going over there.
What the hell? Your shit's falling, right? How old are you? Did any of you children think to tell somebody that a stack of boxes just appeared outside while you were on duty? Mmm-mmm.
Oh, my God.
Take a picture of her.
Hey.
Yeah, we got a situation in the front.
So 30? Thirty-five? Yo, we shouldn't be asking her shit like that.
Black skin doesn't follow the rules, you know? Please whisper better.
Oh, shit, we got a delivery? Whoa! Buh, buh FedEx, UPS, Amazon Prime Bring us what we need 'Cause it's about time Yeah, don't ever do that again.
Ever.
Was that Kanye? - Yo.
- Do we answer? - I like her ensemble.
- Yeah.
Not too in-your-riot-face, but some flair.
I'm doin' it.
Psst, psst.
Um Hello? How may I help you? Hi, there.
Nita? We spoke on the phone, I think? Was that you? Maybe.
I have a delivery from Governor Hutchinson.
Oh.
Well thank you.
Thank you very much.
We'll be in touch.
Here is my cell.
Let's keep the lines of communication open, okay? Okay.
Enjoy.
What the fuck? Hey, man, get the Oh, shit! Thanks for the help, guys.
Really appreciate it.
Some of us are smart enough not to go near a unmarked box.
I mean, that could be anything.
It could be a bomb.
Anthrax.
Itty-bitty soldiers.
Fuck it.
One for you Cheetos! - Takis! - Tampons? Hot Cheetos, Takis, and tampons just don't have the same ring to it, you know? Yo, yo, yo they're meeting our demands.
Told you, man! You did it.
Don't need nobody to speak for us.
Fuck yeah! You a hero, man.
Girl, that's a mistake.
Don't you know you always got to pay for the flipper? You really think Kandy with a "K" is gonna win Ultimate Grand Supreme with her own God-given teeth? Hell, no! - Can we watch 106 & Park now? - Sure can.
You didn't ask for permission.
I ain't be needing your permission or nobody.
Well, Ms.
Tendler says otherwise, 'fore she knock the black off of you.
You sound like a old lady.
Man, I am a old lady, as of today.
And it's my TV time.
I asked.
So Nobody else likes the shit you watch.
It ain't fair.
What the hell are y'all doing? Dante, no TV for the next week.
Fucking bullshit! I hate it here.
Don't like you much neither.
Taystee, my office.
- Time to go, old lady.
- Shut up.
Come on in.
Have a seat.
Ain't gotta sit, 'cause I already know, Ms.
Tendler.
Now that I'm 18, I gotta start figuring out where I'm gonna live at.
Now, I know I only got a year to figure it out, but I got a job and I got some friends.
So, I think I'll be all right.
Right? Sit down, Taystee.
Happy birthday.
You got me a card? No.
Your birth mother reached out, but we couldn't tell you till you turned 18.
Contact information's in the envelope.
And don't go blamin' me.
I don't make the laws.
These white men do.
Blame them.
She's in here? Something like that.
Morning, sleepyhead.
What the fuck! Don't worry.
It's just a little drool.
What'd you get into last night? Is that some sort of new drug thing? Bayley.
- You're out of here.
- No.
No, no, no, no.
That's a mistake.
You can't let me go.
I'm a danger to society, sir.
Be that as it may, we can't keep you.
No charges have been filed.
Let let's go.
Frank, Janie called.
She'll be over to get you after she drops the kids at soccer.
Thanks, Tom.
Ah, don't despair, little buddy.
This is why God invented booze and the drunk tank, hmm? You need to slip from your troubles, make a little ruckus, and you spend the night in here.
But everything's gonna be fine.
Bayley, come on.
No Takis for you? Leave me alone.
Hard to do that seeing as how you're in my bunk.
It's her bed.
It's mine.
Go fuck yourself.
Why aren't you saying anything? Nah I'm good.
Some black power silent treatment bullshit or something? More like I don't got energy to waste.
I got my own sad.
She used to sleep here, man.
Right there.
Across from me.
Sometimes she'd do this thing, where she'd bounce her leg while she was tryin' to fall asleep.
The whole fucking bed would creak.
It drove me crazy.
I would wanna punch her.
Now I can't fall asleep 'cause I lie here waiting for the squeak.
I didn't know that.
I never got to sleep next to her.
That's the thing.
I'm not sad.
I'm angry.
I hate everyone.
Anyone laughing or smiling or being alive is fucking offensive to me and they should all just fucking die.
And eventually, I'm just gonna burn up from rage and then I'll just be dust.
And I don't know how to make it stop.
I do.
Come on! You are coming with me.
I got the baby.
So? We'll drop it off at your cousin's.
She owes me for the acrylics, anyway.
How do I look? Wow, pero, you look like Diane Sawyer.
Come on.
Let's rock this mother.
Ahh! Gotcha! So, suddenly everybody think they on Orchard Beach or some shit? I was thinking more Miami, but thank you for ruining the fantasy.
Right before Drake was gonna come over, too.
Oh, shit, you think Pitbull might be coming, too? Nah, girl.
Maybe Fat Joe, if you're lucky.
It's like Pitbull super-sized.
What the hell are you doing out here? I was jealous.
Wanted a tan.
Mmm-hmm.
Don't you be trying to bring any of that crap from inside out here.
Out here, we're trying to relax and shit.
Like you're really relaxing in the middle of all this after what went down? It's more like I'm just tryin' not to make shit worse.
Yeah, I hear that.
You seriously trying to sit out now? Yeah.
I think so.
You know, I'm trying to get back home to my baby girl one day, and this might be the only way to avoid all the fucked up shit that keeps finding me.
It's like It's like I'm a fucked-up-shit magnet.
It ain't you.
Prison's the magnet.
You think so? I hope so.
I gotta believe things'll be better on the outside.
To laying low.
To Drake's fine ass.
- I'll drink to that.
- Mmm.
Look at Neri! She's showing.
- You're texting with Cal? - What else am I gonna do? It's not like I'm busy with any important riot duties.
Oh, my God.
Sitting this out must be so hard for you.
You gonna spontaneously combust if you're not in charge of something soon? Whatever you say, my great leader.
I am only here to serve you, my great leader.
Well, that's kinda hot.
What can I tell you? Yeah, you can keep crying about Hugo or you can make another decision.
It's hard to lose a pet, eh.
Especially when he gets blown up by your ex-husband during a botched attempt to murder your neighbor.
I mean, it's a tale as old as time.
Someone, who was definitely not my meditation instructor at rehab number seven in Sedona, once told me that depression is holding on and sadness is, uh letting go.
I think it's time for you to let go of Hugo.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
I have to let go.
What're you doing? - Thank you.
- All right.
Whoa! Boundaries, right? So, there you go.
Let's keep it professional.
- Hi.
- Hi.
My name's Lorna Morello Muccio.
Is that German? No, I'm Italian.
Yeah.
I know you're Italian.
Your name may as well be Lorna Lasagna.
Anyway, miss continue.
I've been having these dreams.
Go on.
Well, they're kinda like sexy dreams? Do these dreams, uh involve penises? Because that is going to drastically reduce my interest in the subject matter.
No penises.
Well, not exactly.
It's a little embarrassing, honestly.
Um, I'm riding a whale in the ocean.
And the water, on my skin, it feels so amazing.
And, you know, they have those those blow holes - Hey.
Come on.
- and it's aimed right Hey, hey.
I think we're out of time.
Please fuck me.
What about Vinnie? I really need your help.
I'm so fucking horny, and I can't stand it.
And I need you to fuck me.
- You're begging me? - I'm begging you.
- You're begging me? - Yeah.
- You know I'm a doctor, right? - Yeah.
- You serious? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm really serious.
Look after your patient.
Your tits feel amazing.
Oh, my God.
I missed you so much.
What happens in a riot, stays in a riot? Yeah.
Hand me that jug of oil, would you? You ain't greasing up like the rest of those beach bums outside, are you? I haven't had a tan since '62.
We're not gonna last long at this rate.
The human body can sustain itself for up to three weeks without food.
Myself, I've gone as long as eight days.
Ran into some unexpected weather in Virginia on the trail.
You start hallucinating eventually but that could be fun, if you do it right.
Shit! That sounds like the kind of vacation I need right about now.
Get out my head.
Can I do that without the starving and being outdoors? You find the dope that's right for you.
Hot Cheetos and Takis Hot Cheetos and Takis I can't get enough of these Hot Cheetos and Takis Snack, snack Snack, crunch Snack, snack Snack, munch - Christ on a cracker.
- Have you seen this video? "Hot Cheetos & Takis"? It's wonderful.
Children are so motivated these days.
These snacks are delicious.
Spicy.
Cheesy.
Crunchy.
Great.
Even the adults have lost their minds.
The President of the United States sent them.
They're meeting our demands.
We won! America is great.
Shit.
All this craziness is actually getting us somewhere? Which means life in here will soon return to status quo.
- Hallelujah.
- Therefore, we have limited time to drug Piscatella, drag him inside, and force the signed confession out of him.
Oh, boy.
What do you think? What should our plan be? What strong-but-not-so-strong-will-kill-him-poison should we use? Oh, I could google it! Snack, snack Snack, crunch - Oh, shit.
- Qué? - We're out of Takis.
- Oh.
We gotta go.
Sometimes, you gotta let it be someone else's problem.
I mean, I'm just saying, though.
You'd think by now some company would want to capitalize on my fame.
I been in a national magazine and I'm a popular coffee-oriented meme.
Like, where you at, Starbucks? There she go.
We lost her to the fame monster.
Shit! Riot headquarters.
How can you make our prison dreams come true today? This is Nita, from Governor Hutchinson's office.
Oh, hey, Nita! Girl, what up? Them snacks you dropped off, though, were delightful.
Truly.
We delighted.
- I - I'm so glad.
Hi, Nita.
I'm sorry about that.
Yes.
This is Taystee.
Put her on speaker.
Put her on speaker! Taystee.
It was nice to meet you in person today.
Oh, shit! She bein' all polite.
It sure was.
"It sure was.
" I'm so glad that you're enjoying the snacks and the tampons.
I'm calling to discuss the release of the hostages.
How would you and your team like to handle? What the fuck she say? I'm sorry.
I think I misheard you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe it's my reception.
I said I'm calling to discuss the release of the hostages.
Yes, but what about the rest of our demands? The governor is fully prepared to do everything he can to meet them, but we delivered supplies as an act of good faith, and now we'll need the same from you and the inmates in return.
Yeah, see, I don't see how some snacks equals our hostages.
Miss Jefferson, please don't make the mistake of thinking we're the enemy.
Everyone wants this to end peacefully.
But we need your help.
If you surrender the hostages, we will do our best to meet your demands.
Do you think I'm not smart? You think I don't hear those trick words, "Do our best," Miss, uh - Reddy.
- Well, my best friend is gone, Miss Reddy.
So, "Do our best" ain't good enough no more.
"Do our best.
" What my defense lawyer told me.
Man, you'd think they'd come up with some better shit by now.
So, where does this leave us? Right where it dropped us off.
Tasha? Hello.
You look just like It's nice to meet you, Miss Jefferson.
Mia, please.
- You wanna sit? - Oh.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Thank you for meeting me.
Why didn't you want me? Tasha It's Taystee now.
I was 15.
I didn't have nothing.
No place to live.
No parents.
Just a boyfriend and a tiny room in his nasty aunt's apartment, then Then I got pregnant.
She told us she'd kick us both out if we kept it You.
Shit.
I sound like one of them bad TV movies on the white lady channel.
- Lifetime.
- What? Channel where all those white ladies be cryin'.
It's Lifetime.
Ain't that also where them crazy parents be dressing up their kids like the the dolls you put on top of the toilet paper? Yeah.
Toddlers and Tiaras.
- Yeah.
- That's my favorite! I spent so many hours thinkin' about what you'd look like who you grew to be and what makes you laugh.
And you, here are better than I ever dreamed.
Thank you for giving me a chance.
Thank you for finding me.
Mommy! Baby, what are you doin' here? Hey, baby.
We headed to the church.
Hopin' to get baby girl some new shoes at the sale.
- Oh - Who's your friend? This is Taystee.
Um, you remember Robin? She used to live over on Troy? This is her girl.
Oh.
Right.
Hey, Taystee.
Daddy, let's go! All right, baby.
I'll see you at home.
Bye, Mommy! Bye, other lady! They don't know about me.
They will.
I promise.
It's just, I wasn't You know, nobody teaches you how to be doin' these things.
And I wanted to meet you first.
And reconnect.
I'll do right, okay? I want you to be family.
Chubby dude, you can cross-examine the witness.
Ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.
Miss Rice.
Earlier, you stated that your favorite television show is Saved by the Bell.
- Is this correct? - Objectification! Nope.
Sit down.
Answer the man's question.
That's correct.
Saved by the Bell.
Mmm-hmm.
And, uh, what would you say is your favorite episode? Uh, that's easy.
Um, the one where Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills.
'Cause it's real relatable.
Yes, it's a classic.
Yes.
See, Jessie could not handle the pressure of midterms and her singing group could she? Except, I didn't like how they were, like, you know, "Drugs are bad.
Blah blah blah.
" Because I just don't think that that's a good message to be sending to kids.
Hmm.
And what do you think of, say, "Boss Lady"? You know, the one where the whole gang is working at the Malibu Sands.
Stacey has to be the boss and nothing goes wrong.
Oh, yeah, that one.
It's funny.
So uncomplicated.
Hmm.
Miss Rice.
Would you say that if something is your favorite, you will have seen every episode? Of course.
I'm glad we agree on that.
Because I don't know about the rest of the ladies and gentlemen in the court, but if I say something is my favorite, you better be damn sure that I have seen every episode multiple times.
And I know that show like the back of my hand.
Mmm? Therefore, you will forgive my confusion as to why you have not seen episode ten, season three, where, despite the delightful ending, which involves the entire gang coming together to help Stacey, everything goes wrong! Who is Stacey? I submit the witness is a liar.
She is not credible.
And I have no further questions! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! That ain't got nothing to do with anything! We still saw her give Donuts the gun.
Yes! She is guilty! Even if Lisa Turtle is my favorite! - That's crazy.
Come on.
- She is a liar.
No one likes Lisa Turtle best.
Poo! Poo! Poo! - Order in the court! Order in the court! - This is ridiculous! There's got to be a better way.
Holy fuck, am I gonna be famous.
Okay, this shit is fucking bananas.
Aleida? Hi.
April.
We spoke on the phone.
Let's get you inside.
And we'll get you into makeup.
You hear that shit? "Get you into makeup.
" Hey, Ape, let me ask you a question.
I get paid for this shit, right? You think you could give me that grand in cash, up-front? What? Did someone tell you you were gonna get paid? We can't pay our guests.
It's against - I'm just fucking with you, Ape.
- Okay.
We're really going to need to get those "fucks" out of your system before we go live.
You would not believe the cost of an electrical rewire.
Totally astronomical.
So, it's like, uh, do we try to do the work ourselves? - You know, I bought a book.
- You're not an electrician.
Okay, I could try.
And what happens when the whole house goes up in flames, we're left with nothing, or, God forbid, you get a shock and cook yourself from the inside out Stop.
Stop.
You're gonna stress out the muffin.
- You're right.
- Babe So, what you been up to, man? Wanting to die, mostly.
Oh, careful there.
Your mom can't hear you usin' the D word, understand? Don't want you bouncin' around a rubber room.
Yeah, that's a rough break you got, man.
But, you know, uh it's gonna be fine.
Why does everyone keep saying that to me? That things are gonna be fine? How does that work, exactly? Is there a, uh a magic wand or some type of special God who loves homicidal white guys? It's not gonna be fine.
The whole point of life is waiting to see what comes next, but I already know exactly how mine's gonna go.
So what's the point? I should die.
- Run? - Mmm-hmm.
Run.
As fast as you can, until you feel like your lungs is about to collapse.
Until you can't think about nothing but how tired your legs are.
I think I'm still drunk.
You won't be after this.
Come on.
Hey! We gonna need your snacks.
Oh, you see how you just say, "yours"? As in, belonging to us? It's important.
You're, like, what, the snack police? Yo, they were a bribe.
Mr.
Fancy-Pants Governor thought he would trick us into surrendering - with snacks and tampons.
- Mmm-hmm.
They trying to plug all our holes.
So you're throwing them away? That's a great plan.
We gotta show 'em we serious.
- That's badass.
- No, it's stupid.
Yeah.
Don't don't we want this to end? - We want justice.
- Well, you want justice.
We want to go home to our families at some point.
Well, some of us ain't got a home outside.
This is my home, and I'm gonna fight for it.
Do you think that they would be doing this to us if we were men? This is so insulting.
- Exactly.
- Here we go.
- What? - There she goes.
I'm done sitting out there and sunbathing.
I mean, we've all done the hard part.
That's what I'm saying.
All we gotta do is wait 'em out.
We owe this to ourselves.
That's right.
How can I help? You can collect.
But people ain't gonna like you.
Story of my life.
- Gimme these goddamn - Yo! I just opened that shit, man! We need all y'all motherfucking Cheetos.
Give 'em up.
- Sixty seconds.
- Almost finished? Well, if what's-her-face stopped using words like, "subtle" and "dewy," we could've finished yesterday.
You look gorgeous.
Thank you.
All right.
Good luck! Make your answers real long.
You'll sound smarter that way.
And turn your right side to the camera.
That's your pretty side.
And use the news guy's name a lot.
Ooh, ooh! And always answer a question with another question.
- Ooh.
- Fifteen seconds.
Look, do me a favor and don't get me fired, okay? Fired? I'm gonna get your ass a promotion.
Aleida, this is Susan.
She'll be interviewing you today.
- Air in five, four, three, two - Hello.
Welcome back to New York Metro, where we're continuing to track the developing situation at Litchfield Federal Prison.
Joining us today is Aleida Diaz, a former inmate at Litchfield.
Miss Diaz, I understand you were very recently released.
Was I recently released? I'm not sure what you mean.
Exactly, Susie-Q.
It's Susan.
Have you had any contact with anyone at Litchfield since this situation arose? Do you do you still have friends inside? Yeah.
I And I talked to them.
Are they okay? Well, it's hard to get answers from those bitches, you know? - Oh.
Sorry.
Can I say "bitches"? - You can.
- Well, shit.
- Oh, you can't say that.
What kind of fucking bullshit rule is that? Okay.
What do you think she's doing, right now? Probably sitting on her veranda, being served some kind of garden fresh salad with walnuts and goat cheese.
Maybe it's accompanied by some sort of tropical iced green tea.
Goat cheese.
That's so Judy.
She probably knows the goat it came from.
You think she liked us? Maybe.
Before we kidnapped her and nailed her to a cross.
Yeah.
Hand over all your Cheetos and Takis.
Now.
Ooh, Chapman coming in hot! We didn't get any.
Let's go.
Hand 'em over.
We have no idea what you're talking about.
- You are a liar.
- Mmm-hmm.
Anyone ever tell you about the catching bees with honey thing? - It's important to draw a hard line.
- The line was, like, 100 feet back.
- Check her fingers.
- Perfect.
'Cause you know what was on my agenda today? Molest an old lady.
Fine.
I'll do it.
Let me see your fingers.
Let me see your Let me see your finger.
Let me see your fingers.
See? Holy shit.
Nancy Drew done uncovered a suspect.
- Let's search 'em.
- Now, hold on a second.
You don't have the right to go through our things like that.
But - Gotcha.
- So much for respecting your elders! Yeah.
Psst.
Psst! - You gonna miss me? - Nah.
You just jealous 'cause I got a family and you don't.
Family ain't got nothing to do with it.
You think these people gonna like you? They sitting at home, having themselves a nice little life, and then some hood rat gonna move in and shit's gonna be like the Cosbys? Girl, you trippin'.
Well I hope one day you find your family, same as me.
I told y'all! Don't mind them.
Yo, where should I put this? In the back? Taystee I'm so sorry.
You you can't come live with us.
Wait Why? Ms.
Tendler said that you I'm I don't think she understood what I was trying to tell her.
Why can't I come? It's just not a good time for us.
Us.
- Right.
- Uh, look.
I want you to take this.
It's not much, but I want to help you.
Did you tell them about me? Guess this is you doin' right, huh? What's right for you! - Maybe I need to start doin' that, too.
- Please, Taystee, wait! All right.
Now I have a question.
How many of y'all took the stands at your all's trials? Raise your hand.
Wow! Ain't that some bull? Well, neither did I.
'Cause my lawyer told me that I was a detriment to myself.
Now, at the time, I didn't take offense, because I was rather high most of the time.
And you know my brain wires weren't firing correctly, if you know what I mean.
But today, I'm standing here, right, and I'm looking around at all of y'all.
And I'm thinking we can do better.
Know what? Fuck that.
We have to do better than this.
But you know what? It really needs to be fair.
Without all the goobly-goop of lawyers and judges and the system and stuff.
- Hmm.
- Right? So, listen I helped Donuts escape.
What? Oh, Jesus! Oh, please.
I strongly suggest you shut the fuck up, girl.
No.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Listen, my friend here, she's worried that I'm gonna say too much.
But all I can say is the truth.
And the truth is - I helped the guard escape.
- Oh, fuck.
And, yeah, we had a relationship that was difficult to define.
It was even confusing at times.
But let me ask y'all.
What would y'all have done if you would've found him? - Cut off his balls.
- Murdered him.
Poo! Poo! Realistically, we would have roughed him up a little, you know.
Just poked some shit up his ass, and then we would've stuck him in the bubble with the rest of them.
What's the point? And then what? So you'd have another hostage.
Whee! And then, another strike on your record.
You know what you'd be doing, actually? You'd be staring down the barrel of forever is what you'd be doing up in here.
This is bullshit! She's not thinking about us.
She was protecting her boyfriend.
No, it's not true.
Come on.
Hey! Listen, all I can do is stand up here and tell you how I feel, all right? I'm a person.
I'm talking to people.
Okay? I'm just gonna leave you all to it.
How about that? And if y'all think that I deserve to be thrown up in the poo-poo or whatever, then fine.
That makes you no better than them.
You know, that's really sad, because they suck.
We had the chance to rule hard up in here.
Y'all don't wanna rule? All right.
Hey.
Uh - I thought I'd tell you something.
- Uh-huh.
Ah! Let me guess.
Uh, you regret that your clit was vibrating on my tongue 45 minutes ago, we can never do this again.
Uh, you made a vow, you need to commit to Vinnie, something like that? Right? I mean, I get it.
I memorized it.
You can save it.
No.
I'm pregnant.
That is a twist I was not expecting.
I realized when when we was I was looking down at you, and then I saw, "Oh! Oh, my nipples are, like, two, three shades darker than they normally are.
" And, that's, like, a thing for the Morello women when we've got the bun in the oven.
That's great.
Uh - Did you take a pregnancy test? - Nope.
No.
No, I don't need a test.
I I know.
And that is why I've been so horny.
Ah! Oh, fuck! Why are you laughing? No.
No, no, no.
I'm I'm This is not funny.
I'm serious.
Oh, yes.
I know you're serious.
I know, baby.
And that is the problem.
Because you are also bat-shit crazy.
I didn't mean to lead you on, honey.
It's the hormones.
The hormones, they made me do it with you.
I love you so much, Lorna.
But, you know you can't just, like, uh, keep doing whatever the fuck you want and then thinking it's gonna be okay.
And the days of this, uh crazy being quirky and cute it's past.
It's sad, you know? I mean, you need help, and I can't help you, 'cause I need to help myself.
Or maybe, uh, what if you go see the prison therapist, right? See what she has to say about it.
I'm pretty sure she's gonna tell me She's gonna call me a dumbass sucker crazy person for letting myself do this again.
And then tell me to never, ever, ever do this again, right? And this time, I'm gonna listen to her 'cause she's the expert, right? It's too late.
I drank, like, eight bottles, okay.
I'm sorry for being such a fuckup.
I love you guys so much.
Dye is nontoxic.
What? I mean, you'll probably have bad squirts for a couple days.
And I have some of those wet nappies in the bathroom, if you need them.
Oh, man.
I can't even kill myself right.
Honey, your dad and me we think you need some real help.
You think so? Yeah! I do.
Of course I fucking do! All right, I got myself arrested.
I have been begging to die.
And all you guys want to say is, "Things will be fine," and, "Life's complicated.
" Finally! Make sure they lock me up somewhere for a very long time.
Please! This is the spot? What the hell is going on here? Beats us.
Well, don't dawdle out there.
Come in, come in.
You did this all yourself? Sure did.
Wow.
So you're like one of those mole people that they do special news reports and horror movies about? Yeah, we prefer "survivalist.
" Don't insult the woman.
This is, uh, really great, Frieda.
Thanks for showing us.
But I probably should be getting back upstairs and, uh No.
We're gonna stay here.
All of us.
I guess this is how it ends.
Well, this is your chance to retire from all that nonsense out there.
Ain't you tired of dealing with numbskulls? Fighting for food? Trying to find a minute of quiet without someone squawking in your ear? Don't you feel taken for granted? I got enough supplies down here for all of us.
It's, maybe, a little cramped? Huh.
"Thank you, Frieda.
" "Gee, this is awful nice of you, Frieda.
" Come on.
You don't need to be scared.
I bet that's what they tell the cows right before they send them down the chute.
This could work.
This is amazing, Frieda! I got dibs on shuffleboard.
Does this thing have Frogger? Watch out for the cords there.
What the hell were you thinking? Aren't you tired of asking me that question? 'Cause I sure as shit am tired of answering it.
Yeah.
Well, they're gonna crucify you.
- So? It'll only take a few hours.
- What? What? This this is all gonna be over soon.
Okay, let 'em throw me in the Poo.
It's all gonna go back to the way it was, anyhow.
None of this is for long.
You know, you really freak me out when you're smart.
Yeah, well, you and me, both, okay? I just thank Jesus that my brain wires are connecting today.
Oh.
We have our verdict.
We discussed your case came up with something that's almost unanimous.
So, Tiffany Doggett for crimes against our community, we assign you - community service.
- Yes.
Next step is we'll sit down, talk about your skills, and figure out how you can best contribute to your community.
We'll just be people, talking.
- Like you said.
- Bullshit.
We don't all agree, but so long as we're all in here doing this thing, we think that our justice system should focus on rehabilitation.
Yeah? One crime should not define a person.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm gonna make you guys so proud.
You'll see.
Poo! Poo! Poo! Does she have a reset button? It's like watching the most predictable movie.
At least I'm doing something.
Plus, I'm probably gonna get pretty toned in the process.
Goodbye, honey! Have a good day at work! You're a ridiculous human! Man, these bitches are fucking us over so hard.
I know, right? What am I gonna do when I have a snack attack or my period? I can respect the moral code, but being that blindly committed that's when shit gets dangerous.
Okay, 10 minutes.
India was my favorite section because it kind of reminded me of being in here, you know, being forced to deprive yourself and stuff.
Yeah.
No, it was like Weight Watchers, but with, like, more cows and less point counting.
Prison's like free Weight Watchers.
I've lost, like, at least five pounds.
Like I haven't noticed.
Those khakis are falling off of you.
Thank you.
- But now I'm hungry.
- Oh, my God, I'm starving.
- Commissary ice cream? - Fuck to the yes.
Be all notified of gate time.
"Amanda, I will not stop until my ass is so small" it disappears entirely.
You heard about this new diet where you eat cookies and ice cream, and you still lose weight? "Ooh! It's called bulimia.
" "And, oh!" "I love it so much.
It's a miracle.
" "Oh, Mackenzie, I have always been jealous of your willpower.
" I'm like a house ever since Mark invested in that new modern American bistro up the street.
You would die for their artisanal sodas.
"Peach, lavender, rose petal.
Yes, please!" 'Sup, Amanda? Mackenzie.
- When'd you get in? - Yesterday.
Well, you've got good taste in books, so you're all right with me.
- Taystee.
- Poussey.
Your mama did not name you Pussy.
Yo.
For real? I mean, you all new and talking shit with a name like Taystee? That's fair.
My bad.
Look, you let me know if you need anything in here, okay? Okay.
I will.
Thanks.
And, um, you can take Alice for now.
'Cause she's good at keepin' folks company.
She's my favorite.
So I'm gonna need that shit back eventually.
Deal.
Yeah.
Welcome to prison.
Right, hold on.
They're coming back.
- Get this on tape, huh! - Y'all wanna bribe? Get this on tape! Anybody want some chips? I think that's all of 'em.
Only minus the snacks in bellies.
And tampons in vaginas.
Okay.
We're good to go.
Yo, what the hell! We burning the bribe.
Oh, fuck, yeah.
Yo, that's what I'm talking about, T.
Uh-huh.
Call her.
Hi, Nita.
Welcome to the party.
What are you doing? Flaming Cheetos, y'all! Hey, T, tell this woman what we want.
We want to be motherfuckin' taken serious! - Hell, yeah! - That's right! Bye, Nita! Bye, girl! Bye! All right.
Back up.
Back up! Whoa! Shit! Burn, bitch, burn! Fuck you, Piscatella! Yeah! What you got to say now?