Parks and Recreation Episode Scripts

N/A - Ron and Diane

Merry Congratu-Christmas! - What? - Half "Merry Christmas," half "Congratulations," because I just received some news.
You, Ron Swanson, have been nominated for an award from the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association.
How did you hear about that? I've had a "Ron Swanson" Google alert for seven years and it finally paid off.
Recently, I made a chair.
When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair.
I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association, who felt it merited consideration for an award.
It's been a real whirlwind.
I have to confess, I'm very honored by this nomination.
Right? This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event.
Oh, my God, I love events! I can't wait to go tonight.
Why are you going? As your self-appointed emotional guardian, it is my duty to love and support you.
Plus, you know, this is a big deal.
You shouldn't be there alone.
That's correct.
I'm bringing Diane.
Things are going very well with us.
Even better.
I am very excited to meet Diane.
You're not taking "no" for an answer, are you? Oh, I forgot to sing you my merry Congratu-Christmas carol.
Jingle bells, jingle yay, jingle good for you - Get out.
- Yup.
How about the new sushi place in Eagleton? I'm allergic to sushi.
Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf.
Hey, Ann, you been to any swanky restaurants lately? - What's the occasion? - It's December.
It's the time we celebrate our most sacred and special event: Jerry Dinner Jerry Dinner - Jerry Dinner - Jerry Dinner what the hell is Jerry Dinner? Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, we put a dollar in this box.
At the end of the year, we take all the cash and treat ourselves to a fancy dinner.
This year, we have $516.
Aw, jeez! And that's 517.
Oh! You guys, that's so mean.
It's not mean if he doesn't know about it.
It's like talking about people behind their backs.
- Everybody wins.
- No.
You should at least invite Jerry to the dinner.
Ha! That's hilarious.
You should do stand-up.
If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it.
Hey, April, Matlock called.
He wants his cardigan back.
Boom! I'm out.
Who's Matlock? Hey, bud.
- Hey! - How are you? Great.
I just finished making an entry in my dream journal.
This time, the giant spider got caught in my web.
Progress.
So I feel like we haven't gotten a ton of time together since I got back from D.
C.
Well, we both are in serious relationships.
You have Leslie and I have my therapist, Dr.
Richard Nygard, who I see 15 times a week.
Well, Leslie has plans tonight, so I'm solo.
- You wanna hang out? - I'd love to.
It--it'll be just like old times in Indianapolis.
- We're back.
- All right.
Lots of hugs.
Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Awards, or as I like to call it, heaven.
- Ron.
- Ah! Leslie, may I present Diane Lewis? - Oh.
- Diane, this is Leslie Knope.
Diane, wow.
Ron has told me so much about you, in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist.
Oh, yeah.
He's not a big sharer.
I don't even know what his middle name is.
Oh, it's Ulysses.
I can see why he didn't tell me that.
Mary, mother of God.
That's Christian Becksvoort! He's the modern master of the Shaker style.
I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh.
Go over and say hello.
No, I'm sure he gets swamped with attention all the time.
Ooh, if you ladies will excuse me, there is a jack plane that needs my attention.
Go on then.
So tell me everything about yourself: Your kids, your hobbies.
What are your five biggest hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets? In honor of Jerry Dinner, let's each say our favorite Jerry moment from the past year.
- Yes.
- Mine was The time he slipped on a cinnabon and landed in a bunch of garbage.
My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue.
My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know.
You're so cute when you're bullying, babe.
You know what? Ann was right.
This is mean.
We are going to pick up Jerry.
- What? - No! It's Christmastime.
Don't you want to be good people? - Not really.
- Never.
Hey, if we're going that way, can we stop at our place real quick? 'Cause I forgot to put on deodorant.
And a jacket and one of my socks.
Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that.
I know you didn't, but if you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, which House do you think you would have been? Look, obviously, I want to say Gryffindor But I've got to go with Hufflepuff.
I respect your honesty.
Gryffindor.
Seeker on the Quidditch team.
Diane, that's my chair, right there.
It's beautiful, Ron.
Yours is the winner.
I'm not sure I stand a chance.
Hey, you most certainly do.
They'd be crazy not to vote for you.
Which one is Ron's? I don't know.
Smart, funny, independent, and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer.
Whoa! What is going on at the Gergiches? Whoa.
Oh, my God! Jerry's having a Christmas party! I can't believe he didn't invite us.
How dare he! What'd we ever do to him? It's probably just family.
And Ben and Chris.
And Ann.
I didn't even know she knew Jerry.
Wow.
The Gergiches really go all out.
This is incredible.
Mmm! This is literally the best non-fat eggnog I've ever had.
Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog.
Chris, one cup won't kill you.
No, but it will add exactly 440 calories.
But you know what? I'm fine.
You only live once.
Mmm! I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat.
Yeah, Chris-- everybody knows that.
Ron, guess why my thumbs are up.
No.
Because I'm giving you my 100% approval about Diane.
She is perfect for you.
She gets you.
She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin, neat for you.
I mean, she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff.
I'm sorry, but, you know, it's not the Super Bowl, guys.
Let's take it down a notch.
Anyway, you have my approval.
I don't need your approval.
- But you have it.
- Don't need it.
But you got it.
This could end up being the best night in Ron Swanson's life.
I am so, so happy for him-- Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen.
Wow, look at this room.
So much wood, ready to be worked.
[Bleep] me! Alert alert, alert, alert.
She's here, isn't she? Oh, hey, Ron.
What a coincidence.
Gosh, I never dreamed you'd be here.
Tammy, this is Diane.
Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, who is also my ex-wife.
Twice ex-wife.
We were married twice.
And divorced twice.
Everything is done.
They are totally done.
Tammy, what are you doing here? Oh, I just have a little something I need to get drilled.
Can I speak with you for a moment? Everything's fine, we're just gonna chat.
Shouldn't you be at the library, forcing people to borrow books? Leslie, you and I both know that the library closes at 3:00 p.
m.
Of course it does.
Besides, I like to keep tabs on Ron.
So you can ruin his life? So I can have fun with him, and sometimes ruining his life can be a part of that, sure.
This may be the hardest challenge yet for Leslie Knope, emotional guardian.
I need to protect a sweet couple from a sex-crazed demon librarian who makes me question my stance on using the "B" word.
I don't know, maybe just this once.
No, Leslie, fight it.
Fight it.
It looks warm in there! Warm and happy.
Mm, look at that gingerbread man.
What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies.
I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude.
Look like Blake Griffin.
You guys! There's a buffet-- in the house! I didn't even know you could do that! We need to crash this party.
Ann, let us in.
Let's go.
Well, well, well.
You want to come into Jerry's party? And why is that? I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann.
It's coming out of me right now.
I'm pregnant.
This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family.
There's no place for meanies.
Aw, forget it, I'm coming in.
Ow! - Get off me.
- Wait.
You're so weak, really? I mean, I'm barely even doing anything.
Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palm.
Ow.
It's because of your man strength, Man Perkins.
Let us in, Ann.
It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 'cause they're unflattering to my hands.
Sorry, guys.
This is your penance.
You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.
Hey, I already did something nice for Jerry.
I drove here to take him to Jerry Dinner.
Oh, Donna.
You can come in.
Okay.
What? What about us? - What? Donna! - Merry critches, bitches! Donna, don't leave us! Donna? Oh, well, whatever.
It's Jerry's party.
How cool could it be? Santa! - They have a Santa! - Oh, my God.
- What? - Aw! Welcome to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association Awards.
I'm your host, Martin Housely, and wow, it's gonna be a great show-- knock on wood.
- That's good.
- Oh, my gosh.
What a coinky-dinky.
Look, we're sitting at the same table! Tammy, this table is reserved.
A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze.
That's my boob and my butt, respectively.
Remember that, Ron? Subtle.
Well, you know, they asked me if I would host this event, and I said, "Would I?" Ben, come meet Jerry's wife.
Gayle? - Happy holidays, Chris.
- It's so good to see you.
I have someone I'd like you to meet.
I'm Gayle Gergich.
Gayle-- you're Gayle? Jerry's beautiful wife - Oh.
- Who looks like that.
Gayle, I hope you're not in any way uncomfortable that I'm here, - since I dated your daughter.
- Oh, not at all.
You're welcome here any time.
Oops, there's a little hair on your shoulder.
Oh.
Well, look who's a silver fox.
Will you look at that? I'm sorry, you're okay? You don't feel like your body is in decay or death is inevitable? My, my.
Somebody's being a gloomy goose.
Yeah.
Relax, gloomy goose.
Welcome, everybody, to another Gergich Christmas.
Sadly, one of our three beautiful angels, Millicent, couldn't be here tonight, but our other two beauties-- Miriam and Gladys-- are going to help Gayle and me play a little tune.
Here we go a-caroling, among the leaves so green - here we come a-wandering, so fair to be seen love and joy come to you and to you glad Christmas too and God bless you and send you a happy new year and God send you a happy new year I'm going to call a cab.
Why does everyone act like Jerry's the victim here? He's the one that didn't invite us to his Christmas party.
- Jerry Filter! - Jerry Filter! Who's Jerry Filter? Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails.
So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts.
Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam.
A-a-and Here's our invitation.
There's three years of nice messages on here.
"Congratulations on your wedding.
I'm rooting for you kids.
Jerry.
" "Hope you have the best birthday, Tom.
" I just tied my high score in Snake.
Our next award is for "Achievement in Chairs.
" The nominees are: Asa Christiana for chair, Ron Swanson for chair, - H.
W.
Davenport for chair.
- So exciting, Ron.
Okay, Ron, this is your moment.
Tune her out.
She's not even here.
And the winner is Ron Swanson for chair.
Oh, wow! Whoo! This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about.
I made my first chair when I was five, but the quality of the wood was wanting, so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages to purchase some beautiful local walnut.
Uh, thank you for this Uh, this all good-- night good.
Uh There it is.
Hey, you're looking at a picture of Millie.
You want to take off, grab some vegan fries? She really was delightful.
I truly wish her all the best.
Man, maybe going to therapy I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, you would have fallen apart.
It's just a picture.
- Millie! - Hi, mom! We wanted to surprise you and come home early.
Oh, hey, Chris.
Hi.
Let's take a moment now to remember those woodworkers who are no longer with us, and the beautiful coffins they all designed themselves.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Have you seen Ron? He disappeared after the speech and I can't find him anywhere.
Diane-- ugh.
The stuff with Tammy is so complex and weird and gross.
It just would probably be better if you let me handle it.
I'm not worried about Tammy.
I mean, I'm a middle school vice-principal.
I deal with hormonal psychopaths all the time.
Oh, great.
Good.
- What concerns me is you.
- You who? - You you.
- You me? You're the one who's been at his side all night.
You're the one who's been protecting him, you're the one who knows all the intimate details of his romantic history with that monster.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Diane, you misunderstand.
I'm happily engaged.
You and Ron have an intimacy that I just don't understand, so if there is a threat to my relationship with Ron, it's not Tammy.
It's you.
Okay, folks, fasten your seatbelts.
It's the big one: Best Desk.
Where's Diane? I need her.
- She left.
- Of course.
Tammy ruins everything.
No, she left because of me.
She's threatened by our relationship.
That's ridiculous.
I don't think of you romantically.
You're pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair.
You're my worst nightmare.
Excuse me, one man's "worst nightmare" is every other man's "total package.
" But the point is, I don't think it's about dating.
I kind of see where Diane is coming from.
We are close friends, and I'm very involved in your life.
I wouldn't say we're close.
By Swanson standards, we're close.
I know when your birthday is.
So does Baskin-Robbins.
I know that you secretly love artichokes - and plums.
- Keep your voice down, woman! Fine, we're friends.
So what do I do? Tammy's waiting for me in my car.
I think you should take my car and go get Diane, and I will handle Tammy.
Thank you.
Protect your eyes, she's a gouger.
Good to know.
Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Carl.
- Well.
- Hi, there.
Hi.
How did you two meet? Whitewater rafting.
He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into And then we got together.
Ah, so random, right? What a story! I felt like my heart was whitewater rafting.
Well, I won't keep you guys.
It's good to see you.
Mwah.
Oh, little tip, there is fat in the eggnog.
Okay.
So how'd it go? You okay? I'm fine.
If therapy has taught me anything, it's that I need to face my fears, even when my fears are engaged to a man with the chiseled jawline of a young me.
Thank you, Ben.
Thank me? For what? For looking out for me tonight.
You're a good friend.
Hey So Gayle and Jerry-- I've thought about it a lot.
There's no logical explanation.
Well, hello there, Big B-- Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron? Too late, Tammy.
Ron's gone.
You'll never get him back.
Wanna bet? That relationship is weak.
All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, and he's toast.
Few hours, you say? Leslie! Stop this car! Where are we going? I don't know.
You're gonna regret this! Well, hello again.
You ready to be nice to Jerry? Because it's so cold out here, it reminds me of my wife's lasagna.
I actually like that one.
Hey, guys! I thought you weren't coming.
I--you know, never got your RSVP.
Hi, Jerry.
We got you a gift.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, just-- we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, since you almost farted yourself to death.
Every time we did something mean, we put a dollar in a box.
Wow.
I'm the luckiest man on earth.
Okay, well, come on in! It's a party.
Uh-- Oh, jeez.
- Give me the keys! - No! - Give 'em to me! - Never! Hey, game over, Tammy.
- What? You--! - Ah! I'm going in! Oh, my God, I am so turned on right now.
What is wrong with you? Oh, yeah, tell me you're not feeling this.
You are so crazy! I got 'em! - I got 'em.
- No! - No! - Ah! You'll never catch me! Come back here-- Ow! You are not gonna ruin this night! - Get away from this car! - No! What are you doing? You're crazy! Ron! Ron! Ha! You're too late! No! No, no, no, no, no, no! She just knows you so well, and I was starting to wonder if I was ever gonna get to that point.
I'm worried that maybe there isn't room in your life for another woman.
At this very moment, Leslie is throwing herself in front of a freight train named Tammy for me and you.
Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, who is very important in my life, but I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us.
Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it.
But not France, right? God, no.
See? You know me pretty well already, but you're about to get to know me even better.
I brought you here because I want to show you something that almost no one knows about-- certainly not Tammy, and not even Leslie Knope.
Ladies and gentleman, and especially the ladies, put your hands together for the one, the only, my man, Mr.
Duke Silver.
A mighty fine holiday evening to you all.
- Yeah.
- It might be cold outside, but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz.
I, of course, am Duke Silver, and I would like to dedicate this first song To my duchess.
You're so lucky.
I'm going to kill you.
I think it's time to officially retire as Ron's emotional guardian.
That's Diane's job now, and she seems more than up to the task.
I mean, I'd do anything for Ron-- even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife.
But I think I'm safe.
She's gotta be tired by now.
Hi.
- Officer Skorggel.
- I pulled over a Tammy Swanson for driving erratically.
Ran the plates, saw it was your car.
Figured it was stolen.
Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, so I can put you into these handcuffs.
Yes, please officer, get her out of those cuffs.
I want this to be a fair fight.
Officer, did you see any sign of a passenger? Ron! There we go.
Hey! Help.