People Just Do Nothing (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Website

1 This programme contains some strong language.
All the crew inside locked in.
Got the cameraman 'ere.
And we're just saying, yeah, don't forget, Kurupt FM website coming very soon! Every business these days needs a website.
Yeah, we're always expanding, getting bigger and bigger every day.
We're like Japan.
Yeah, next global superpower.
So Ain't they got a website as well? Probably what started them off in the first place.
Bigging up Lambrini Bob in Isleworth, yeah, requesting that AmA (Dub) I sees ya! Going global is a big opportunity for us, actually, cos right now we're just UK-based.
Getting more and more fans, like.
Obviously, we've got enough, probably, but a website will take us to the next level.
Trust me, reaching further! Hussa! Hussa! Available from all good internet outlets.
Come on, we're going to be late for school.
If anyone tries to mug you off, you call Daddy, all right? Big Daddy Grindah.
All right, sweet.
Any little mug tries it, don't care what age they are, they'll get crushed.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no.
It's the diagonal strap there.
Let's wait for it.
See you later.
See you at five.
Half three.
Half three? You lot got it well easy! Completely different to my day.
Roche? Rochelle? Mmm? Roche? Mmm? The washing machine's fucked.
Well, maybe it's time you tried fixing it, then.
Perhaps you could show Craig as well.
It would be good if he had some basic skills beyond eating and playing World War Duty.
Call Of Duty.
Right, cool, I've gotta bounce.
I've got a radio meeting about a website.
Craig David, laterz.
See you later.
Mmmwah! All right, I'm leaving it with you.
Get it sorted.
I'll look at it tonight.
I've chucked some towels down to soak up the water as well.
What water? Catch you on the flip side, yeah? Kevin, what water? Mate, the internet is going to be big, right? Grindah only started believing in the internet cos of all the pornos.
I thought it's got to be good if it's got that! Yeah.
I was saying to Decoy we might have to get a bigger studio, innit? Yeah, to deal with all the e-mails and that.
Yeah, exactly.
Probably get Wi-Fi.
Here? Yeah.
All right, cool.
It's mad, actually, cos we bought the website but it comes blank.
Yeah, you got to build it yourself, like, sort of like IKEA.
Yeah.
Listen, boys, once I get this up and running you'll be bigger than Two Girls And One Bloody Bucket.
Have you seen that? It's disgusting.
I showed it to Aldona, she said she's going to leave me.
Serious, she's leaving you? No, mate, she is here illegally.
I do all her paperwork and that.
Hello, Gary, mate.
Yeah, still DJ-ing.
Website's not even up, bookings are rolling in.
Wait there one second, mate.
You know Gary and Lisa, yeah? They are having a little wedding party and their DJ dropped out.
Yeah? Down the social club a couple of hours? Nah! We don't do weddings! It's £200, though.
£200? Yeah.
So that's Between us that'll be That'll be all right.
One thing, though, obviously, cos it's a wedding they don't want an MC, just a DJ.
Well, obviously not, then, if there is no MC.
Yeah, the DJ/MC dynamic is pretty unique, actually.
It's like some Derren Brown sort of shit.
Grindah actually knows what I'm going to play even before I play it sometimes.
Yeah, it's a bit of a sixth sense of mine, innit? Also, I pick out our set as well, so that helps a bit.
Yeah.
But we both bring something to the table, though.
Turntable! What about your music? Are you going to stream now via the internet and that? Mate, we're not ainternet radio station.
We're very much FM based.
We're just luring them in.
We're going global, but you will very much need to be in Brentford to be able to catch Kurupt FM.
We are like a globallocal pirate radio station sort of thing.
We're one of the first, actually.
Radio will never be defeated by the internet cos radio will never die, yeah? You see in apocalypse films, yeah? At the end of it they are all running around.
There's no internet working.
What are they doing? They are checking the radio.
What are they searching for? Messages.
What will be on in the apocalypse? Kurupt FM.
Yeah, so your proxy server, straightaway that's 50 quid.
You're going to need the Intel inside and the Intel outside.
I can do it for you for around 170.
We'll need Intel.
Get a bit of Pentium in there.
Right.
Slim a bit off and we'll call it quits.
OK, 165.
Deal.
That's nice.
There's actually, like, a 98p shop up the road, but I just think here you get a better overall quality of product.
How do you find Angel going to school? She's still struggling a little bit.
No, I'm not struggling, I just think that it's unfair to force people to do stuff.
Like, there should be an alternative.
You know, like, grown-ups have the dole, so why isn't there something they get paid for instead of going to school? She does need her own mates, though.
She can't just hang around with us her whole life, know what I mean? Mm.
My mum is still my best friend, like.
Girls her age are all just, like, little two-faced bitches, anyway.
I told her to stay away from them.
So what is good about Angel being at school? It means I've got more time to organise the house or whatever.
There's just so many different boxes, like.
Can you just imagine how tidy the house could be? This one's got like a glittery textured top as well, so that's just a bit more elegant sort of style.
And these ones are amazing value cos you've got all those little ones in there.
Just get a few more of these.
They'll be good for Grindah's lunches.
All right, boys? How are we going to get that money to pay Chabud? Do you reckon we'll do that wedding later, bruv? Nah, I already said we ain't doing it.
We're just going to pick up Angel.
Right, quick in-and-out job, all right? Daddy's got to get on one, right? I can't stay for long.
Got the whole of the internet to sort out.
Why is the door not? Why is my leather bean bag over there? I was just having a sort-out while the house was quiet.
I don't like it like this! Hello, baby! Are you all right? Are you exhausted? You look so tired.
What are you doing to her? I'm checking for bruises.
(Such a freak.
) See you, like, in a bit.
Does it hurt if I do that? No.
No? OK.
Do you find it hard caring for a family? It's hard but it's extremely rewarding when you see the smile on Craig's face when the heating is on, the electricity is pumping through the house.
The computer's on, like.
That's a sense of achievement.
I haven't actually paid the bills yet, but when I do, I will feel definitely achieved.
Craigy G, what's going on, man? Do you want to help me do that washing machine? Nah, Mum said you had to buy a new one.
I'm busy.
Is it? A'ight.
Probably got homework to do or something.
It just would have been nice to have a littlefatherguardian son moment Easy, boys.
Chabsy! What's Gucci? Come in.
Good as gold, sailor.
Ready for the big unveiling, yeah? So, what I've done, I've made some changes to the original plans that you guys gave me.
Just using my own internet expertise.
Good, yeah.
Everybody knows that sex sells, yeah? Trust me, I've bought it many times myself.
What have we got to do? You don't have to do anything.
Let me just show you, OK? I basically took some snaps of my wife, Aldona, who is stunning, yeah? And I just basically, you know, put her on there and just maybe sex it up a little bit, you know? Yeah, that's right.
Is that Aldona? That's her, yeah.
You can see her Wild Bean cafe.
No, I mean, technically, it's not her vagina.
Hers wasn't the best maintained, so I found another one, cut and pasted it on.
But we do need to talk about the payment.
Don't worry about the payment, we're sorting it.
We've got one of our best boys on the case, innit? Trust me, on some Oceans 11 type espionage shit.
Down the JC right now, telling him that his nan's flat's flooded, like.
You can get this thing called a crisis loan, yeah? If you look like you're having a crisis, basically.
Normally I don't bother because they ask me questions and it's quite intense.
I just do the standard little diary thing, where you just tell them what you've been doing.
And then they just give you free money, basically.
I got a free laptop as well from Cos I gave myself dyslexia from smoking skunk.
Hello.
My name is Steven Green.
I've had a crisis.
Sowhy do you need the crisis loan? Eh? Just, the pipe burst.
And I was in there as well.
Costhat's why I wet myself.
Not with thetrousers, with the water Mr Green Yeah? We can only give out these loans to people who have a genuine emergency.
People who have gone through an ordeal.
Understand? Yeah Yeah.
Um Cos I've done that as well.
Mm-hm? I've got more crisises Cos it's so cold, I can't really think.
My brain is a little bit, like Yes, I understand.
'Kurupt FM does cost a lot of money to run,' cos everyone here, bar Grindah, has to pay subs.
Cos what it is, it's promotion for yourselves.
Promotion for yourself.
You pay me a sub to be able to promote yourself.
I've got a tab, though.
I'm heavily in debt to these lot but it's worth it in the end.
But we let him sleep on our floor, so Saves money on rent as well.
But it is my nan's flat originally.
Doesn't matter, Steve, she's dead.
Forget about her.
She's not dead, she's moved out.
Move on.
Whatever, she's dead to us.
They were like, just "Give me all your money, give me all your stuff.
" Literally Then I got home and the pipes were burst as well, so And that is a? Yeah that'sa gun Right.
Well Can I get the money now? I assume you'll be happy to tell this story to the authorities.
Yeah What authorities? I'm talking about the police.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Er I think I heard I'll just chat to the person in reception I can even ring them off my phone cos then you lot don't have Going global is a it's an art form, innit? So we're just starting the global push now.
I don't know how Roche will take to that, actually.
The stress levels are probably going to rocket.
But once I get the money in, it'll be fine.
Once we got the millions, know what I mean? No sweat.
Roche? Yeah? There you go, I've done it.
What about them screws on the floor? Don't need screws! No more nails! You've glued it?! See, cos I was hoping we could keep the open-close mechanism with the door, cos it was one of the things I liked about it.
All still fully functional as well, so Well Yeah Definitely gone.
Well, you're looking at a new door anyway.
£90.
I think there's a screwdriver under there, actually.
£90, yeah? Yeah! These things all cost money! The washing powder costs money! Your favourite fucking super snuggly fabric softener, that costs money as well! Yeah, but I need that, Roche, otherwise I get itchy bollocks.
Get it sorted! I don't care how you do it, just fucking do it! What do I love about Kevin? Do you know what? I think it is just his simplicity.
And he's really funny.
You know? Like, from time to time That's a big one.
Kevin could do so many things if he just put his mind to it.
If he wasn't twatting about with Grindah.
Which I doubt is his real name.
'Clash of egos, I reckon.
' He's quite powerful and she's quite powerful, so together Like you seen on them documentaries, when the two hippos are fighting to be the leader of the land? It's a bit like that but it's not physical.
You lot paying us for this or? No, sorry.
'Hello?' Hello, Gary, mate - it's Beats here.
'Hiya.
' Er, is the wedding still on? Call Steves, see if he's got the money.
What's he saying? It's ringing.
Steves, where Are you back yet? No, I can't come back, bruv.
I'm hiding.
I seem to have robbed a cardigan.
What? Cardigan, I've robbed a cardigan.
Right.
From the Jobcentre.
He's saying he's got I robbed a cardigan.
They wouldn't give me money.
He's robbed a cardigan.
Feds are after me, bruv.
Fucking And he's hiding from the police.
Why is the police after him? I don't think he's got the money, either.
Why are the police after you? Stay hidden! No, he's cut.
I knew going global would be intense.
We're fucked.
We might have to do the wedding.
Is it? D'you know what - fuck it, call Gaz, we're doing the wedding.
Er, no No, I insist, call him.
I've changed my mind, do it.
But I can't cosearlier I had a text from Roche.
What do you mean? I didn't hear anything.
No, before Steve called, she texted me.
What's the problem? I've got to baby-sit Craig.
You've got to baby-sit Craig? But he doesn't even move.
Yeah, cos of his stomach disorder, Roche wants me to Do you know what, yeah? Don't worry, bruv, cos I'll just get Steves or Decoy or someone else to do it, like, if you can't be a man, like.
But what about the MC/DJ dynamic? Too late, mate.
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.
I think there might be another way.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, let's definitely do the other way, then.
What? No, what is the other way? OK, check it out, yeah - a special Chabuddy G Kurupt FM radio show.
A DJ set? Yeah.
Oh, for f Cos like, think about it, yeah, look.
I've got the vinyls, yeah, I've got the Terry Wogan sex appeal, I'm in my prime, yeah? OK, give me a couple of hours on Kurupt FM and I will completely waive the website fee for you guys.
Sounds like a good idea to me.
It sounds shit.
You don't want to be associated with weddings and that, do you? Come on.
No.
You know, exactly.
Do you know what I mean, like, it's not what I got in the game and that, like, to give away sets to some John, like, do you know what I mean? You're back? What? Come and look what I've done to the kitchen.
No, I'll look later.
What's wrong with him? Don't worry about him, he's just worried about radio, innit? Do you want a cup of tea or anything? Er, yeah, the tea bags are in that, um, that box by the kettle.
New boxes, yeah? Yeah, like, basically, today I've just been putting all the different foods into, like, these boxes, and, like, the food colour matches the lid colour so it's just like a little thing I just thought I'd do.
Yeah.
Just spruce the house up a bit.
Nice.
So is there milk in Yeah, that's white for milk in there.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
But no milk for me, if that's all right.
No? Decoy knows how I like it.
Black.
Well, without milk.
Good Good evening, Hounslow, and welcome to midnight music masala with me, your host, DJ Vinyl Destination.
And how are you? I'm fine.
Right now, you're listening to the sounds of er, I can't read it cos it's going really fast, but, you know what? I'm actually getting really excited now.
Easy.
All right, mate.
Hey, how you doing, you all right? You all right? Yeah, good, mate.
Come on through.
Decoy! Cool, man, can you get on the decks, yeah? My DJ set.
Come on.
Start now, yeah? Sweet.
Well done, Decoy.
All right, mate, can you hurry up? Decoy, well done, mate.
OK, just get yourself set up.
Come on.
Come on, Decoy, out the way.
All right, people, big it up - DJ Decoy inside, yeah, smash the set, brother.
You're locked into the London's leading Kurupt FM 108.
9 right now.
Next up, we have special guest DJ for one night only, goes by the What's your DJ name? Cheers, mate.
Let me.
I'll get the mic.
Just, here you go.
All right, just a special announcement for us.
'You're now listening to DJ Vinyl Destination, 'sponsored by Chabuddy Worldwide Internet Cafe Cabin.
' That's a bit much, innit? Don't really need an intro.
Just part of the set.
All right.
Can you turn that one up then, mate? There's singing all over it, Chabs.
It's not, Chabs, it's DJ Vinyl Destination.
Whatever, DJ fucking Destination, man, there's singing all over the shit - I can't do my MC'ing.
Yeah.
Huh? What do you mean, yeah? Yeah, it's sick, this.
No, it'soh, just fuck it.
Just hurry up, yeah, hurry up.
D'you hear someone knocking? Chabsy.
Yeah, boss? Absolutely hit it, mate.
You didn't say you could do ityeah, yeah.
Keep doing it, keep doing what you're doing.
Play whatever you want, yeah? Yeah? We're popping out, see you later, mate.
There's some of my stuff, man.
Just take all you need, yeah.
Yeah.
Don't worry, yeah, don't worry, I've got this, I've got this, yeah.
I'm about to tear these suckers a new ear hole.
All right, mate, see you later.
I will literally do anything it takes to keep Kurupt FM going, yeah, and so would Beats.
Like, to me, there's two types of people in this world - you've got the layabouts, yeah, the people that do nothing, and then you've got the doers.
Think it's pretty obvious which one of them I am, I mean, I'm on a fucking roof, so He's going to love this, innit? Innit? Where'swhere's Beats, like? He ain't here.
What do you mean, he ain't here? He's baby-sitting you.
No.
It's all right, love, I've got it, go on.
Does he look like he needs baby-sitting? He weighs 18 stone.
Well, where is he, then? Cos, like, it's, likeBeats! He's gone to that wedding.
He'she hasn't gone to that wedding, cos we He has.
No, he hasn't, cos we've agreed No, he has.
No, we agreed he wasn't doing it, and he would never go without me, so OK, well, he has.
So is that it? Is this little grannies' meeting over? You're the only granny round here.
What did you say? Go! Fucking hell.
Stevie.
You know what, Decoy's got some proper good tunes and that, man.
Steves, any requests? A bit of gabba, bruv.
Just out of that little blue bag.
Blue bag.
Gabba, yeah? "Reach For The Sky" by S Club 7 "Dreams" by Gabrielle Thought I might find you here.
Bruv.
I know exactly what's going on.
I know, it's only because I've got to hand it to you, mate, you're a crafty little fucker.
I know.
You saw all this coming, didn't ya? Huh? You're willing to put yourself on the line, put yourself through all of this, just to get us out of debt with Chabuds.
I was, yeah, exactly, cos I thought I'd just do this Yeah.
Cos I knew you wouldn't really want to come down here and that, so, yeah.
Done it for the station.
Exactly.
I shouldn't have underestimated you, mate.
I'll tell you what, pop a little garage on and let's show them how it's really done.
I don't know if that's their kind of thing, though.
Grindah will always be there for me no matter what.
He's my best friend.
We've done everything together since we were, like, that big, do you know what I mean? So, like, if she kicked me out, I could just go and stay at his and he wouldn't say anything.
He'd welcome me in with open arms, say, "Look, there's a sofa there," do you know what I mean? "Here's a Zoo, chill out.
" # Get out the way! Get out the way! # Fuck, he's getting shot, bang, bang, bang.
Get out the way! # Get out the way! # Someone's getting shot! Who? Bang, bang, bang.
Yeah! Look at them This is a great idea.
What was you worried about? Yeah.
It's just to pay for the equipment, it doesn't even cover my cost.
So, cheers, mate.
They're saying we can't go back in.
Lisa's nan was crying before I even got there.
They loved it.
You see that little kid? He was loving it as well.
Yeah, he was loving it.
Still got paid, though.
I was going to say about the pay - how much have we got to give Chabuds? Cos I was hoping That's the beauty of it - worry not, because I unplugged the transmitter.
He still thinks he done the set.
Hey, I might go back, yeah - get us back on air, innit? Yeah, someone should do that, sweet.
In a bit, yeah, nice one, in a bit.
So do I get to keep the money, yeah? Yeah, of course we can.
Hundred each.
So, five minutes' work, it's the beauty of the game for ya.
Yeah, go on, do a little Uh, smell it, smell it.
Ah, smells like Real, it's real cash.
Yeah.
Dirty cash butwell, it's not, but That's legit, that.
That's legit so.
Squat down, get a good shot.
You know, you want to dash it all up in the air like this and move it.
Well, don't, cos half of that's mine.
Yeah, all right, just did you get that? Nice, nice.
40, 60, 80.
Cheers, mate.
Sweet.
Look at that, that is proper money that, as well.
That's a honest day's work, £100, all mine.
I'm a proper man now, got responsibilities, you lot should try that sort of shit, it's rewarding.
Bless up, yeah.
There's a oner for the washing machine there, so There's a little bit extra, treat yourself, get a little dress.
Or some army shorts or whatever.
I'm going to shoot up.
Yeah, Craig - give it half an hour, yeah? Kurupt FM will never die, yeah, and neither will we, like.
We're like dragons.
Well, no, we're not, cos dragons don't exist.
A dinosaur or a T rex.
Well, no, cos the T rex would be me cos there's only one T rex.
I'll probably be one of them - you know them long ones with the big necks, like, just gazing across Jurassic Park.
Bare grass, like.
Doesn't have to be Jurassic Park.
Screens.
When I die, yeah, I'll just be, like, frozen in time with one hand on my headphones, one hand upon decks, staring into the mixer, just enjoying music, like, dying for the cause, like.
When Iwhen I die, actually, I'll be in a massive mausoleum, like, frozen with a mic in my hand, mouth open cos I've been screaming my last lyrics to my last dying breath.
Kurupt FM.
Viva for ever.