People Just Do Nothing (2014) Episode Scripts

N/A - Court Case

Guess how many sleeps it is until the wedding.
One day? 120, close.
What? Why is all that? Why is everything written in foreign? Have you been shopping at the fake supermarket? Yeah.
Because, you know, we need to save a little bit of money for the wedding fund.
- They still taste the same, don't they? - Sort of.
Cocoa Krisps?! These are fake Coco Pops.
It hasn't even got a monkey on the front.
It's like the cereal version of two-stripe tracksuit bottoms.
You know I wouldn't be seen dead in them.
Great, it didn't even turn the milk chocolaty.
So, has Grindah contributed much to the wedding fund? Er He hasn't put loads towards it yet, but he did contribute the jar itself.
And that's obviously a massive help.
It's actually his old weed jar, but I've just written "wedding fund" on it.
So, now it looks like a completely different jar.
There's a few bits at the bottom still Oh I forgot about that.
Another letter from Her Royal Majesty.
Funny how a moment of madness can change your life forever, isn't it? What's the letter? Er, just I can't really talk about it at the moment, mate.
OK.
But what I will say is it's just another bit of trouble with the law again, do you know what I mean? But they can't hold me down.
Court case pending.
Basically, he got caught dropping a cigarette and then he refused to pay the fine, so I mean, what do they expect people to do? Walk around with their own ashtrays, or something? It's political correctness gone mad.
# Nah, nah, nah, nah # Hey, hey, hey, hey There's my nan.
- There he is.
There he is.
- There she is.
- Mwah! - Are you all right, love? - Yes.
- Yes.
Thank you for coming.
I didn't expect you.
- Sorry, man.
Squeeze on there.
- Make yourself comfortable.
Did you get your prescription through today? Yes, thank you.
Oh, that's good, isn't it? That reminds me.
I won't keep you a moment.
Talk amongst yourselves.
Prescription day.
It's really exciting.
DIY.
Every champion needs his belt.
And I am DIY champion of the world.
I'm definitely a handyman.
You know, I'm the guy you call.
I'm the handy guy.
Handy Peters.
Oh! Breathe in.
I did everything myself.
I came here, built an empire by myself.
Yeah? Built the perfect home for myself.
Built the perfect wife for myself.
Till she You know what happened.
But I'm a very DIY guy.
It's impossible.
There's too many pieces.
It should just come already done, innit? - Hiya, Steve.
- All right, Nan.
Is that enough? Yeah, that's perfect.
Oh, amazing.
You're planning a big do, are you? No.
It's just a DJ set.
But it's an eight-hour one, so it's quite a big deal for me.
Ah.
I would say drugs can definitely help you to be more creative.
Because look at some of the best music ever made is made by people that are just off their nut on drugs.
Would you say drugs have helped your music career? I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for the drugs.
I'll say that much.
Make sure you give your old nan a good shout out.
Obviously.
Shout out to my nan at each and every.
Shout out to the jigsaw crew.
Yes, yes.
Shout out to the oldcolostomy bag.
Yes.
Hi.
Roche, how are you doing? You all right? I'm all right, how are you? - Ready to get busy.
- OK, nothing structural.
There he is! - DIY.
- Yes.
Just be sensible.
Yeah.
- Yeah, don't worry, don't worry.
- Sensible.
Nothing massive.
That's what she said.
- That is what she said.
- OK, OK.
Yeah, I actually promised Roche that I would get the baby's room ready in time for the birth.
It's actually called nesting.
Yeah, it's what birds do.
But obviously without using twigs, or spit.
Just throw it, just throw it.
It's fine.
So you got Chabuddy in to help you with the baby's room.
Yeah, I mean, Chabuddy is one of those guys who can do anything.
And I thought, you know, like he's cheaper than getting in a proper painter.
On this wall, right, I was thinking maybe we could have a memorial with like loads of cartoon characters in.
Because kids love that, innit? They do love Yeah, I can do that, no problem.
I have all the classics.
I have the Mickey Mouse, the Goofy ducks.
- I can do that for you, no problem.
- Brilliant, brilliant.
Craig! Do you want to come in and help your old man? Craig? Craig? So, you're going to have a sister.
Are you good with girlie things? - Obviously not.
- He used fake tan once.
- Yeah.
- That was just an error.
I once showered as well with Roche's thing called Jolene.
I lost all my body hair.
I'm a bit worried about Craig, actually.
Yeah.
Apparently when you have a new kid, right, sometimes the older kid feels a bit left out.
Yeah, I've heard about that.
Do you know what you need to do? You need to get a piece of clothing a piece of cloth from the baby.
Yeah, OK.
And put the cloth directly underneath Craig's nose when he's sleeping.
That way, subconsciously he will not feel threatened by the baby child.
You know? Yeah, I think that's dogs.
- Actually, that is dogs.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's dogs.
Yeah, that's probably enough cos you've got gel on there, as well.
Just going to give him some of this extra firm hold so that Yeah, not too much.
I think you've probably got quite a lot of product on that.
Oh, Miche I got the details of that make-up artist - we used for my wedding.
- Oh, amazing, thank you.
I don't know what our budget is yet because Grindah's got his court case - tomorrow.
- He still hasn't paid that fine? That's mental.
I know.
I'm worried it's going to go up loads.
I read about this woman who disputed a parking fine.
She ended up having to pay loads more.
She had to sell her car.
Oh, we'll be fine then because we haven't got a car, so I think it looks amazing.
Just do that.
It creates a nice swoosh effect.
Just be one with the paint.
- Nice.
- Really get into it, you know.
No, it's all right.
The pregnant lady will get it ! Oh, hello, are you here to help as well, are you? No.
No.
What are you here for then? What am I here for? Beats wants me in my last hour.
Oh, that's right.
Sent down for a cigarette.
- Yeah, I could be, so - I know.
- Yeah.
- It will be awful.
- Yeah, you will be awful.
How are boys doing? You all right, yeah? - Yeah, so - Easy, boys.
- Grindah.
- Grindah.
- Yes.
- Thanks for coming, man.
- Yeah, man.
- No worries.
- Thanks for helping out.
- No, no, no, no, no.
None of that.
I got court tomorrow, so I can't get any paint on me.
- Big day, isn't it? - Of course.
I've never noticed that tree before.
Funny the things you notice when your freedom's at stake, innit? Is jail tough? Depends who you are, mate.
Not for me, do you know what I mean? Like, fucking, jail's jail.
You know what I mean? You do your thing.
You ride it and you duck out, like.
Have you packed your jail bag yet? Good point.
Yeah, make sure I've got the old jail essentials.
Yeah.
Apart from the contraband shit of course.
Because there's other ways of getting that in there.
Grindah said he went to the hardest prison in England.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's why he got bullied.
I didn't get bullied.
They had to move me to protect the others.
Yeah, they said he was on a wing with all the sort of snitches and paedos.
- Not bullied, but - Why are you constantly saying that? - Crew, locked in, yeah? - Yes.
Heston, massive, Isleworth crew, were you there? Saint, Saint.
Just a reminder of a change of schedule tomorrow.
We're going to be down at court, so DJ Steve will be doing an eight-hour marathon set.
- Trust me.
- Make sure you lock in for that one.
We'll be leaving you in the capable hands of Stevie.
Innit, Steves.
Tomorrow, the set.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Definitely.
Good to go.
- Grindah? - Yeah.
- I got that, so Oh, planned and everything? - Yeah.
- Good man.
Yeah, I can plan things when I need to.
Like, if I put my mind to something, I can normally do it.
Like, once I went to Glastonbury.
I didn't have a ticket.
Spent two days digging under the fence.
Managed to catch the last two hours, all for free.
The whole crew inside.
Anyone that ain't heard.
I will be going down court tomorrow because the dirty Babylonian are trying to take me down yet again.
Do you know what I mean? - Burn down Babylon.
- Burn them.
Feel free to come down and smash up the place.
Don't say smash up the place because they'll trace it back to me, you freak.
Don't smash up the place, but just come down with placards and banners and fucking megaphones and all that.
Do you know what I mean, like? Yeah, should be good.
Good day's work.
Are you all right, Craigy? Yeah, I'm good.
Hey.
Nice room you've got here, mate.
Cool posters.
Listen, um Uncle Chabuddy just wanted to have a word with you, if that's all right.
You don't have to be worried about the baby, OK.
Kevin loves you very, very much.
- What? - Don't be embarrassed, mate.
Hold that baby tight to your bosom, OK.
That little baby will cherish the nourishments from your bosoms for 1,000 lifetimes.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Just think about it, mate.
Hey, Craigy.
Cherish it.
Goodnight, mate.
What are you doing? Leave the light on! I can't believe, like, it's exactly happening.
Do you think you will get sent down? You never know with these things, you know.
- Only time will tell.
- It does happen, man.
Remember Fat Pete the other week? He went down for a little driving thing.
Yeah.
What do you mean he went down for a driving thing? That's You can't just go down for Yeah, he was trying to dispute it, or something.
That's bollocks.
You can't get sent down just little things, can you? Yeah.
Definitely.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My mate Darren was saying that if you've got previous, apparently you get a harsher sentence.
I've had previous.
Yeah.
I don't know what to do, man.
- I'm sorry.
- All right.
Look, if you do go down, like, we'll look after the baby.
You got nothing to worry about.
Me and Steves, anything you need.
Anything.
Fuck off me.
I'm not getting fucking sent down for dropping a cigarette on the floor.
That'd be fucking mental.
Wouldn't it? - That bit's still out there.
- Yeah, I know.
- This little bit.
- Yeah.
- I just want to make sure everything - Yeah, I know.
- It is.
Smart.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? - Thanks.
Not too tight.
You're going to have the air brakes on over this.
Just don't make it any worse.
You just need to plead guilty and pay the ã80 original fine.
- That's all you need to do.
- Look, I'm not pleading guilty.
Guilty means automatic prison.
Stop putting things in my head.
I can't concentrate.
Well, you're not going to go to prison.
Like, the less you argue, the less the fine will be.
Just think about the wedding.
Fuck the wedding! This is my happiness we're talking about.
It's my life! What do you reckon, boys? Is that all right? - See you later.
- Bye.
'You are now listening to the sounds of DJ Steves.
' Shout out my nan.
Thanks for the care package.
Giving me everything I need.
To get through the day.
Coming up over the next eight hours, we will be bringing you Vocal garage.
Speed garage.
Garage.
Dance hype garage.
Grime.
Jungle.
Drum and bass.
And some various hard-core tunes, the only ones Grindah likes.
Right.
You've got to use what's around you.
You've got to be creative, you know.
I could transform this.
I see things right now you'll never see in your life.
Look at this.
What do you think that is? - That's a watering can.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
You know what I see? - What? - It's a loud speaker.
Hello.
A very simple way of thinking, you have.
How come you're not down the courthouse with the rest of the Grindah Appreciation Society? I like to stay away from court rooms, you know, just in general.
They ask too many questions.
What's your name? You know.
So, I like to keep my head down and stay off the radar.
Oh! Very nice.
Very daring.
- Are you finished upstairs? - Yeah.
I'll crack on.
I've got a bit more to do.
I don't know.
What do you reckon? Done up or undone? Maybe just not wear it at all, man.
It's a ã200 jacket, man.
I'm trying to look as smart as possible.
Easy.
Got you a Maccys with 20 nuggets for, like, your last meal.
It's not my last meal.
Stop going on like I'm going to jail constantly.
Let me have the chips, I'm feeling a bit light-headed.
- You want some chips, yeah? - Yeah, quick.
Quick! I can't eat.
I can't eat.
Take it.
- Good morning.
- Name? Um, Tony.
Er, Zagrofoff.
What? Zagrofoff! There's nothing wrong with it, it's Greek.
All good? Could I have a quick word with you, please, mate? Is there any way we could just call this all off? I've got the 80 quid on me now and we could just save everybody's time.
I can't do that, I'm afraid.
Yeah, I get where you're coming from but No-one has to know, yeah? Just, literally, ignore the envelope.
Can you make your way to court four? Please.
There's 80 quid there.
- Court four.
- You can just have that.
All right.
Get off me.
Bang them doors, brother.
Free Grindah.
Bruv, stop saying - Bang them doors.
- I ain't even got doors yet.
Stop saying that.
How would you do in jail? I'd be all right because last time Grindah went to jail I actually learnt how to plug things.
What do you mean by plug things? Plugging.
You put things in a condom and you plug it.
Oh, what, up? Yeah, I got an N Gauge up there.
- A whole N Gauge? - Yeah.
And a charger.
- Are you worried about Grindah's fine? - Yeah.
I really don't want it to affect the wedding budget.
So, I reckon if I could just sell a few things, then I can make the ã80.
And then he won't have to cut back on any essentials.
I'm really worrying about the cost of pony rental now.
Nothing like a good bit of carpentry.
Very holy.
Like Jesus, isn't it? Very good with wood.
This will go on here.
Keep the baby nice and safe.
The other thing about this cot, yeah.
They can stick this bad boy out in the garden.
Nice bit of weather.
Have a lovely barbecue, mate.
What do you want? Do you want a burger, mate? Get the Pimm-ps, mate.
Let's have a nice glass of Pimm-ps.
Two in one.
Barbecue grill.
Baby's cot.
Just hold that bit.
Baby's cot.
I love it when it doesn't overflow.
Right.
You're locked into the sounds of DJ Steves.
Taking you through.
We've got a little bit of Grime coming up for you.
Sorry.
No, we got Jungle coming up for you.
Oh, my God.
No fucking way.
No.
No.
Fucking hell.
It's gone in my eyes.
It's in my eyes.
I've got piss in my eyes.
For fuck's sake.
The list is fucked and I'm covered in piss.
I should have just gone to the fucking toilet.
It's only there.
I can't sit around any more.
I've got to be in there, man.
I'm going to wait outside.
Yeah.
- Sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
If Grindah goes jail, yeah, and Kurupt FM dies, it's not just me or the Kurupt FM boys that are let down, but it's the listener.
And I think that's what hurts the most.
Just knowing that there's, like tens of Ten to 100 listeners all locked on.
Just waiting for their favourite MC.
And he's not there any more.
My head was all clouded.
Please, look.
Can I just please pay the original fine.
Look.
I've got it here.
- Mr Zagrofoff, please sit down.
- Please, can you take it? - Mr Zagrofoff! - All right, stop saying my surname.
- Mr Zagrofoff - Mr Zagrofoff.
All right.
Fucking hell.
I don't know what Where's the coke? I don't know what I'm supposed to play next.
There's got to be Fuck off No.
This'll do, this'll do.
This'll do.
All right, you know what? Emergency situation calls for my little emergency helper.
Acid.
It's going to be all right.
It's going to be all right.
Yeah, your brain can get tired, but you only use a small percentage of your brain.
And if you take acid, for example, you can actually access different other bits of your brain.
Bits that aren't as tired.
It's like with a plane.
You have likeanother engine.
If one engine fails, then the other engines will come on.
The spare engines.
If you turn them all on, fucking hell.
You're flying, mate.
Sorry.
Door open.
Follow my voice, follow my voice.
- Through this, through this.
- No comment.
- No comment.
- All right, you're out.
- Everybody stand back.
- I don't think you'll need that jacket.
- What? Where's all the press and shit? Dunno.
I think the clocks went back a few weeks ago.
Is it? You boys are going to have to film this because the news crews must have got it mixed up.
You lot can just pick it up, send it over to them.
Pop yourself down there.
You've got the court in the background, yeah? OK.
- Ready? - Go.
I would just like to say on behalf of myself, my family and the BBC, that justice has been served in Brentford today.
Yes.
Hold tight the judge and big up everyone that's been there for me in these dark times.
I have escaped jail and I'm once again a free man.
- Feels good to be out.
- Feels great.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- I'll be making no further comments on this occasion.
Give my client a bit of space, please.
Have you still got those nuggets? No, me and Decoy twosed them.
I'm free! I beat the case! I beat it! Daddy's back.
- So, how much was it? - How much was it? Look at her.
So selfish.
I nearly went to prison.
Obviously I'm glad you didn't, but how much? Yeah.
Well, surprise, surprise.
You get your ã80 back.
What? How? That's amazing.
Because basically you've got to read this instead, apparently.
Yeah.
Some sort of I did try asking for a tag instead, but, erm Apparently they don't do trades, so Yeah, it's just on the next page.
Oh What?! ã700? Why is it so much? I don't know.
But you can't really put a price on freedom, can you? If you could, it be more than 700, mate.
It'd be like ten grand.
So You're lucky.
Anyway, it's done now, innit? It's in there.
It's in the walls, I can hear it in the walls.
Ah! Can you hear the scratching? Maybe it's trying to communicate.
Tia! Yeah, that's ã2, please.
- Hold on a minute.
- Thank you.
Are you selling peanuts? You know that's my thing, copycat.
You just add a bit of spice to some normal nuts and charge double the price.
What? So, how did you find Tia? Tia was You know, she just wandered in.
I just gave her a quick interview.
And that was it.
I saw that she had the same street savvy entrepreneurship than I have.
Gourmet peanuts.
ã3.
Eh? She wanted to get into the food game.
But you don't make food.
We don't make food yet.
But we will.
Because she has a lot of dreams.
She's very ambitious, like I am.
OK.
We need to sort out the kitchen.
Yeah.
Which means I need the metal bit for the grill.
The metal bit? Is that not in here? Yeah, it's missing.
I don't know where it's gone.
What?! - Have you seen it? - No.
- Where's it gone? - I haven't seen it.
It was here, wasn't it? Where's it gone? Someone must have taken it.
Abdi.
Abdi.
Abdi must have.
I mean, this is weird even for him, right? And who are they meant to be? She's got tits.
He's got his tongue fallen off and two teeth in a gaping mouth.
What is it? Has he cut my fucking curtains up? Look at it.
It's fucked! Is that? Is that a fucking grill? Do you think you'll get Chabuddy to do more work for you? Yes, I'm going to get Chabuddy to come round and do more work.
The first thing he's going to do is paint over this fucking monstrosity.
This is an SOS.
We have reached the day of reckoning, people.
The Illuminati .
.
are everywhere.
The symbol of the Illuminati is the all-seeing eye.
And if you look carefully, you can see eyes everywhere.
Oh, fucking hell.
Fuck's that playing? Stinks of piss, Steve.
- I should have known.
- What's going on, man? Steve, mate.
You've had one of your episodes again.
Just What are you doing? Just calm down, man.
Get away from the decks.
Steve.
Just get away from Ugh, why are you wet? You fucking stink as well.
Get off me.
Just get off me.
Come on, mate.
A very pungent smell in here.
You're done, mate.
It's over.
What day is it today? - Are we finished.
- You're done, mate.
- You're done.
You're over.
All right, mate.
Yeah, well done, Steves, mate.
- You've done really well.
- Yeah, let's - I did it.
- You did it, mate.
You did it, yeah.
We need to just get you out of the room for a sec.
- Shall I lock him in the bog? - Yeah, wash his face as well.
- It usually calms him down.
- All right.
- Are we washing my face? - Yeah, yeah.
- Can I wash my face? - Come on.
Yeah, Steves does struggle with the longer sets.
I think he get's overwhelmed by it all, innit? Yeah, he does.
It's mainly the daytime ones because he's not used to it.
I think it just throws off his body clock a little bit.
- Yeah.
- Oh, so it's happened before? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
One time he fucking burnt his bed down because he decided he never wanted to sleep again.
- That's why he sleeps on the floor now.
- Yeah.
Just want to take this moment for your listening pleasure.
Oh, yeah.
It's my intro.
Fresh out the pen.
MC Grindah.
Sounds of the Sounds of the Sounds of the MC Grindah.
Mic check, one, two.
AKA the white Mandela.
AKA you can never hold me down.
AKA I'm finally free from persecution.
Oh, feels great to hear the sound of my own voice again, actually.
- Shall I run the? - Run the rhythm.
Basically, us and the law have been an ongoing battle from day dot.
It's almost like a game, yeah, that you can't win or lose.
It just sort of continues.
- Oh, no, you can lose.
Go to jail.
- Yeah.
Yeah, and if you pay a massive fine as well.
Yeah, but I didn't pay the fine, so I still win.
Well done, mate.
This is Grindah's favourite jacket.
This is his, like, signature style.
You could wear this from the '30s to the modern day.
Like, this is a timeless piece of fashion.
But we need to sell it.
I don't think Grindah's going to be happy about it.
But I just think deep down this is actually what he wants me to do.
So he can have the most beautiful, perfect wedding day.
The best day of his life.
And we don't have to tell him straight away.
It's good to have you back, mate.
Listen, it's good to have me back, too.
Cheers, mate.
Yeah.
I can't believe I was like this close to being in a fucking cell, like.
Some tiny little room just surrounded by weird Yeah.
We're free men, yeah.
We will not be ridiculously subjected to your stupid little man - made up laws, mate.
- Exactly.
Subject your law and stick it up your arse.
- Trust me.
- Fuck the system.
Fuck the system.
Fuck the police, yeah.
- Exactly.
- Trust me.
- Actually, I might - Yeah, you should probably get that.