Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - 9 Lives

This isn't happening to me! What is happening to you, Shawn? Only the worst thing ever! A missing Captain Delicious magic mood ring! Dad, this is a crime.
Can you have them arrested? First of all, Shawn, no, this is not a crime.
Can't you just haul them in for questioning? Lay into them a little? And who is "them"? You know, the cereal people? Oh, the cereal people, huh? Well, I'll tell you what, Shawn, you can spend a lot of time calling 411 to get the number for your cereal people, they're gonna stick you on hold forever, listening to bad music.
Finally, you're gonna get some dimwitted secretary, who's gonna take your message, and then she's gonna throw it in a waste bucket.
Or you can use the skills I taught you and you can outsmart them.
What am I missing? Where is the ring? Well, it'd be at the bottom.
Not in this box, you're right.
The big old bad cereal company messed up.
So, you grab another box, tough luck.
Where's the ring now? At the bottom.
Now I got to eat the whole box.
And where's the ring now? At the top! That's right.
You see, sometimes, Shawn, you don't have to dig so deep.
All you gotta do is turn something upside down to make it right side up.
And then you get your prize.
Thanks, Dad! Explain to me again why we couldn't sit in a restaurant and eat like civilized people.
Moving is good, Gus, it helps the digestion.
Plus, you and I never do this anymore.
What? Eat and jog? No, talk.
Just talk.
Check in with each other, as men.
I wanna know how you are.
I wanna know how Gus is.
Really? Like you're really asking me? Yes, I'm really asking, because I care.
Wow, okay.
Well, we've been working cases nonstop for a month.
To be honest, I'm burnt.
I just want to take a nap.
I couldn't agree with you more, buddy.
I think we should lay low for a bit.
No more cases.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that.
I was kind of worried about telling you.
Don't be a silly goose.
Now, we've had a good talk, I think we both felt it, and look at this.
Here we are.
What is this, Shawn? Okay, here's the thing.
The police may have found a body, which I may have picked up on my police scanner, which I may have brought with me.
No cases, Shawn.
No cases.
We go in, we see.
We say hello.
And we leave.
Say hello? This is a crime scene.
You can't just walk in there.
McNab.
Nabby! Buzz.
Buzz? Seriously? That's his first name.
Don't you ever talk to him? Why would I talk to anybody named Buzz? Shawn! My man! Pow! Okay with Yes.
You look trim.
Somebody made their wedding weight.
Five more pounds.
I'm close.
But I still have a month.
You'll get there.
You remember my partner? Sure, yeah.
Matt, right? Gus.
Right.
So, what do you got going on up there? Don't hold out on me now.
Looks like suicide.
A guy from the phone company found the victim in his apartment.
Been up there for a few days already.
Few days? You mind if we head up, take a look, poke around a little? Oh, I don't know.
Lassiter's up there and he's in a mood.
Yeah, we just, uh, got his coffee.
Wanted to bring it by, make it right.
Oh, that's nice of you.
He asked me to get it, but this is perfect.
Hey, did you just sip that? You don't taste Lassiter's coffee before you give it to him? That surprises me, Buzz.
He's so particular.
No cream, no sugar It's three creams, four sugars.
Yeah, it is.
Sharp as a tack.
You! And fit! We found a note.
The body's been here at least three days.
Maybe more.
All signs point to a 11-44.
Three 11-44s in four months? There must be something in the water.
Uh-huh.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, listen up.
You know the procedure.
I want this done right.
I do not want any mistakes.
Hey, blowie, I know you're new, but next time if you want to get your spit all over the evidence, why don't you just lick it? Clearly he doesn't need any more coffee.
Okay, there is the dead guy.
Can we go now? Relax.
We just got here.
Have some mee krob.
How do you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there? What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share? Forensics.
Act natural.
That's it! What? What do you see? Red pepper flakes.
Is that a clue or something? No, it's a delicious spice, and it's exactly what my mee krob needs.
I told you this.
What are you doing? This is a crime scene.
You can't touch stuff.
What? Seriously, check this out.
A marinating steak? What, you want to eat that, too? No, but don't you find that a little odd? That a man would eat a steak? No, that a man who was ready to kill himself would take the time to marinate a steak for a future meal? Dude, this was not suicide.
This was murder.
The door latch is still intact.
Now I ask you.
If you were gonna kill yourself, wouldn't you want the door to be locked so that no one could barge in on you right in the middle? What? I don't What is it? I don't What in the name of sweet justice are you two doing in my crime scene? Your crime scene? That's funny.
I didn't see your name on it anywhere.
Get out.
We are.
Just thought you might wanna know that this thing here, not a suicide.
Great.
Thanks for that.
Really.
And thanks also for bringing a snack to the crime scene.
Oh, boy.
Oh! I'm sensing a I'm sensing there was someone here.
Someone here in the room with the victim when he died.
Someone with a sliver of grease on his or her shoe.
No, I'm not sensing a struggle.
No struggle.
The door.
Did you have to break down the door when you got here? No, it was open.
Why? No, no.
Don't encourage him.
Get up! McNab, I want you to escort these two men out of here now! Come on, let me read the witnesses.
You know, due diligence.
Spencer, we did the due diligence.
It was a suicide.
There is no crime.
There are no witnesses.
You're wrong.
There is a witness.
There's a cat.
I wanna talk to that cat.
As soon as he's finished licking himself.
Wow, I'm jealous.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know Theyjust don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I can't believe you took that cat.
Gus, they were gonna ship him off to an animal shelter.
What choice did I have? Plus, this cat is the lead witness in a major murder investigation.
Wanna hold him? Oh, no, you don't.
I'm not touching that cat.
You took the cat, you carry it.
We are right on this thing now.
I didn't have anything substantial.
A steak, the chain on the door, a stain on a carpet I wouldn't have believed me.
We needed an in.
Now we have one.
Plus, he clearly likes you.
Give him a snuggle.
You know what? I'm actually gonna enjoy this.
You having to carry this cat around, pretending you can communicate with it.
I'm buying a disposable camera for when you have to clean out its dirty litter box.
Let me tell you something.
This cat here is a gift.
A conduit for us to save lives.
And he has more integrity in his furry little hand Paw.
Paw.
than most people have in their whole appendages.
Appendages.
What? All of them.
Than most people have in all of their appendages combined.
Oh, yeah? I think he wants to sleep on your chair.
Isn't it cool? How long are you gonna keep this up for? Until we solve the crime.
Don't you or your cat get mad at me, but I don't think there was a crime.
Oh, really? You don't think so? No.
Try telling that to this poor little guy who is traumatized seeing his owner killed.
Tell him.
I'm just saying I can kind of get where Lassiter is coming from.
A few suicides is not uncommon.
Gus, did you look at the sky today? Blue, clear.
And did you feel it out there? Warm.
Nice.
Statistically, people in mild climates are far less likely to kill themselves.
Now, if we were in Vladivostok, we could talk.
Point is, at the end of the day, this was a 50-year-old man living alone with a cat.
Do you want down? You can get down.
You're probably right.
I know I'm right.
It was probably a suicide.
Thank you.
That was big of you to admit.
I'm just I'm unclear on one little thing.
What's that? How do we explain the second body they just found? Deceased is in the car, over.
Detective O'Hara.
What, you're here all by yourself? Ah! Damn it all.
Could have happened to anybody.
Talk to me.
Well, victim is a female in her late 20s, Gloria Starks.
We're waiting for forensics to confirm, but appears to be a suicide.
Carbon monoxide poisoning.
Asphyxiation.
Oh, I'm afraid the cat doesn't think so.
Turn around and walk away.
This cat can tell us if the killer has been here.
All I need is 30 seconds.
Watch this.
You ready boy? Huh? You ready? What? What, over here? Where? Wait.
That is That is very thoughtful.
I'll tell him.
He says the fact that you take three creams and four sugars in your coffee, dangerous.
Is that true? Do you really take three creams and four sugars? So what? So what? Carly, that is a heart attack waiting to happen.
You're still a young man.
That was amazing.
How did you do that? It was a lucky guess.
Don't you get tired of saying that? Now, with your permission, I'd like the little boy cat to sniff out the car.
Absolutely not.
Oops! What did I just say? Just relax and let him do his job.
He might find something.
He's peeing.
No.
No, he's drawing your attention to the evidence in the back seat.
By peeing on it.
Nice.
Come here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Yes, did you make good pee-pee? Did you make good pee-pee? Yes, you did.
What? What.
That's a That's a little inappropriate.
I'm sorry, that's rude.
He was just saying that he would have done the same thing, if he'd killed himself.
He would have swung by the dry cleaners and grabbed the pantsuit first.
Maybe she picked up the dry-cleaning days ago.
Did the cat ever think of that? What is he doing right here? He is measuring the amount of carbon monoxide emitted.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
I knew that.
Yeah, you did.
Whoa! Now, does she strike you as the type that would go for heavy metal? Any number of people could have changed her radio station.
Now, Mr.
Spencer, if you and your new partner are finished urinating on things, I believe your work here is done.
Check out the dry-cleaning.
I'm on it.
Look, I don't care what Lassiter says.
The cat is not my new partner, Gus.
Don't be ridiculous.
Then tell me again why the cat gets to ride shotgun? He gets carsick, and you know this.
Do you want him to throw up again back there? Is that what you want? It's not funny, Shawn.
Here, lay these down.
He's doing fine, aren't you? This is a company car, Shawn.
That means I have to return it in like-new condition.
Lay these down.
Whoa, whoa! Look at this! What? "Seventy percent off of storm doors and window panes.
" "Everything must go.
" Gus, flip it over.
It's her.
"Struggling actress lands big break in Santa Barbara play.
" And then kills herself? I don't think so.
Okay, you might be onto something.
Yeah.
The play is called Dazzle and Stretch.
Dazzle and Stretch? I was wondering if I could ask you a question.
I could really use some advice.
Yeah, all right.
Get on in here.
What can I do for you, McNab? It's just that, well You're still married, right? Are you trying to piss me off? No, sir, no.
I just have a question.
On your wedding night did you feel any, well, any added pressure to perform? Excuse me? It's just that my Francie is going to be expecting a lot on our first night as a married couple, and I was wondering if you had any tips for me.
What the hell kind of sick bastard are you? Thank you very much, sir.
I appreciate it.
So, what you are trying to tell me is now it's the cat that's convinced these weren't suicides? Yes.
Do you really think I'm going to open a bunch of closed cases just because a cat tells me to? This is it.
Yes, this is it.
The girl that was found in her car, Gloria Starks, she's here.
She's here with us.
Oh, despair! I fear that you will leave me.
What choice do I have? I dazzle And I stretch I dazzle And I stretch What the hell is going on here? Mr.
Spencer, this is telling me nothing.
He can't hear you right now 'cause, see, he's channeling the cat who's channeling Gloria.
I dazzle Well, then what are we looking at? Bad acting.
I think she wants you to see something in the paper.
Gloria's trying to tell you something.
Dazzle and stretch "Seventy percent off on storm doors and window panes.
"Everything must go.
" "Struggling actress lands big break in Santa Barbara play.
" So what.
So what? Does that sound like a woman who would kill herself? Please, all actresses are crazies.
I know, I dated one in college once.
She had a nose ring.
Good work, little buddy.
Whoa! I don't know.
This is something.
Something? Oh, come on, you guys.
That's the biggest thing that ever happened for that girl.
Now you need to stop waiting around for another suicide and start looking for a serial killer.
Spencer, get off my lap.
What does this mean? I have no idea, but I've seen it on Numb3rs all the time and it seems to work for them.
You ready to give up? Four separate suicides, two of which occurred before we came on the case, and I don't see a pattern of any kind.
Different ages, different sexes.
Different socio-economic levels.
Different methods of death.
No duplicate weapons, locations.
Man, what have we got? First we have a jumper, second, an oven, third, pills, fourth, carbon monoxide.
They all have to be connected somehow.
And what I see is whole lot of nothing.
Nothing.
You see, sometimes, Shawn, you don't have to dig so deep.
You just need to turn things upside down to make them right side up.
And there's your prize.
Wait a minute.
What are you doing? Turning things upside down in order to make them right side up.
And there's the prize.
This is the prize? Going to the first dead guy's place and what? Talk to a dead guy? No, we talk to the dead guy's brother.
The dead guy's brother lives at the dead guy's place? They were roommates.
But that's the point.
He's getting rid of the apartment.
And we're here to rent it.
We're what? Why can't we for once just talk to somebody as us? Because, Gus, I don't want him to be on guard.
If he thinks we're investigating something, he'll clam up.
Wes Hiltonbock? Yeah? Hey, Shawn Spencer.
I talked to you on the phone about the apartment, and this is Gus.
It would actually be for both of us.
Yeah, okay, come on.
Thanks, man.
Just so you guys know, the utilities are included, but I would require first and last month and a sizable security deposit.
Oh, that's not a problem.
You take cats? Yeah, I guess so.
You two guys have a cat? We do, actually.
He's sort of like our child.
I see.
How do you guys know each other? We're partners.
Got you.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, it's fine.
Really, I'm totally fine.
No, we're partners in a private Relationship.
Believe it, it's been a while.
We finish each other's sentences.
So, tell me, Wes, why would you want to give up such a handsome apartment? Do you Do you not like it anymore? Ooh, Gus, good news, shower for two.
Actually I just have some bad memories here.
I used to I used to live here with my brother, but he passed away.
Oh, I'm sorry, man.
Was he sick, or He killed himself.
Oh, good Lord.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Yeah, me, too.
We were real close, you know.
God, was he depressed? I mean, were there signs? Did you What am I I'm sorry, you don't have to answer those questions.
No.
Actually, I had no idea anything was wrong, you know.
I mean, he had so much to live for.
He was a great guy, you know.
Smarter than me, more talented.
He was a great singer.
He was really going places.
So look, are you guys You guys interested in the place or What do you think, honey? I think it's great.
I think it's perfect.
All right, then.
Well, I got another couple coming by a little later so But I'll let you guys know either way.
Shower for two? That was so I could see your face when I said it.
You know, you enjoy these things more than you should.
I suffered through that for no reason.
We learned nothing.
Yes, but I grabbed this while we were up there.
You took his mail? It's not like I took his Sports Illustrated.
Dude, it's a phone bill.
You can't open someone else's mail, Shawn.
It's a federal offense.
Gus, he's dead.
So what? Well, maybe I'll hold it to my head and read it psychically.
Hurry up, Shawn.
Gus, who's gonna see us? Hurry up.
Wait, there's like There's like 16 calls here to some 1-800 stress line.
Including the last call he made.
I've seen the ads for that.
So what? A depressed guy calls a stress line.
And I bet you a hungry guy calls a pizza place.
That doesn't tell us anything.
Yeah, but it might give us a link.
I'm gonna run the other victims' phone records.
With what? Your do-it-yourself phone record running kit? The next best thing.
The answer is in the phone bills.
I need you to run the victims' phone records.
What, no cat this time? Julie, I'm very serious about this.
I have a strong sense about a stress line and I know the link is in the phone records.
I don't know why you would think I would do something like this for you.
Some have said it's the hair.
Really? Who says that? Oh, guess what? We already ran the phone records and checked out the dry-cleaning.
Turns out the pantsuits were picked up over a week ago.
What kind of dog and pony show do you think we run here? Gus, you wanna take this one? No.
Let me put an end to this non-case right now, okay? Yes, all the victims called the 1-800 stress line.
Not just once, many times over.
Detective Lassiter and I have combed everything.
We've gone to the bone on these.
All the way to the bone? I know this is hard for you to grasp, but these people did have something in common.
They were troubled and they were depressed, and as sad as that is, they all committed suicide.
Case closed.
We've clearly wasted your time.
It's not over, is it? Of course not.
They all called the same help line and they all killed themselves? Come on! Shawn, that's what stressed people do.
Strange how he gave up so easily.
Yeah, it is.
Maybe we should take a closer look at that stress line.
Gloria Starks only called that line 'cause she was stressed about an audition.
You call a help line and they find you dead? That's not very helpful.
What if someone there is killing the callers and making it look like suicide? Gus, we go to the stress line, I think we solve the case.
Come on.
Ta-da! What is this? You're looking at our new business.
Mazel tov.
Are you out of your mind? You rented office space for this? Gus, don't be a crazy hooligan.
I rented a sign.
Now, let's go say hello to our new neighbors.
Hello, everyone! Who wants pineapple? Be honest.
Ah, you guys can slice it up, fight over it later.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, may I help you? I'm Terrance, I run the line here.
Terrance, hello.
I'm Shawn Spencer, this is my partner Gus "Silly Pants" Jackson.
Just came by to say hello.
We've opened up our own little Not as big as you guys.
More of a closet, really.
Your own 1-800 thingy, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's called Dial-A-Psychic.
Maybe you recognize us.
I am the lead psychic for the Santa Barbara police department.
McCallum murders.
Edmond robberies? Over there, you? Nothing? Nothing? Wow, really.
What, do you guys live in this room? So, you can know stuff about me just by looking at me? Yeah, pretty much.
Do it.
Do it? Go ahead, show us.
Looking for a little demo.
Well, for one, they don't like pineapple.
I don't know guys.
I don't think Big T wants us to take up any more Oh, no, no, no.
Go right ahead.
Half the lines are down, phones are being worked on right now.
We have time for your little trick.
Oh, yeah? Let's see what I can come up with.
Loose flowing stanzas, Bobby Frost.
Are you a poet, by chance? Yeah! Yeah, I am! Wow.
How did you know that? I guess you could say I'm a bit of a psychic poet.
Oh, please, stop.
'Cause I'm like, I'm freaking out here! Do you see his eyeliner? Guy could be the drummer from The Cure.
Wow, I can see why you come out here to eat.
It's beautiful.
Sound of the seagulls, the smell of the ocean, the salt air Hmm.
I never noticed.
What do you got there? What you asked for.
I ran the sheets on all the volunteers at the stress line.
Do you mind? It's police business.
Scram.
Let's see what we got here.
Well, lookie there.
It's a picture of an old friend.
Hmm.
Hey, Rory.
Where the hell have you been? I've been sitting on this mop bucket in this tiny closet for the last hour and a half waiting for you to show up.
I'm all cramped.
Well, get up, man.
Do some pushups or something.
I need you light and limber.
Do some pushups? Sure, like Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz.
Sure, he spends the whole movie in a tiny little cell, right? But he's in the best shape of his entire life.
Give me a little piece of tape.
What happened to the big ticking time clock? Gus, what do you think I've been doing all day? My work happens here and here.
What are you doing? I am trying to create a pleasant work environment.
I can tell by looking at your little area that you don't care.
We don't work here, Shawn.
We do until we solve these murders.
But don't worry, I have a plan.
You are gonna call the stress line and pretend to be depressed.
No, I'm not.
Yes.
And I will go down the hall when you make the call, ask for Rory, so that I can see him in action.
Why don't you call him? Gus, please be serious for one second.
No one's gonna believe that I'm depressed.
Come on.
I got an idea.
Why don't you have the cat make the call? He's like your new partner, right? Where is he, anyway? Gus, he's far more comfortable in your car.
Plus, I need him well rested for when he identifies the killer.
Now, wait exactly two seconds and then make the call.
Oh! I have no idea what I'd even say.
Here's a good opener.
"Hello, my name's Gus.
"I have a deep-seated jealousy for a tiny little boy cat.
" Why would you put them on speakerphone? See, because I think that tends to undercut Big T! Look sharp! What is it now, Mr.
Spencer? Just wanted to pick your brain for a second.
How many lines you got going here? I have 12 lines, but I'm adding more all the time.
I get it, I get it, the more lines, the more green, am I right? I'm a non-profit operation.
The calls are free.
I'm not in this for the money.
Really, that's weird.
See, I'm thinking of charging four bucks a minute.
Rory.
Rory! Hey, Ror.
Hey.
You really do love your music, huh? You kidding? Music inspires me.
Yeah, you know, you don't really strike me as the Charitable type? I was gonna say sensitive, but sure.
Actually, I'm here as part of a community service on this assault beef, you know.
I got into it with this guy who didn't like my poetry.
So, 250 hours.
Two-fifty, wow, that's intense.
Rory, that's Line 6! I'll let you get back to work.
Sorry.
Hello, Stressline, the extra S is for extra stress.
This is Rory.
Uh-huh.
Right, so you're experiencing some stress.
Career and personal? Well, yeah, I suppose.
I mean my career's not exactly where I would like it to be.
No.
No, I don't have a girlfriend right now.
It's been awhile.
Right.
Right, that's not good.
Does it make you have dark thoughts? Like how dark are you talking? Like, "wanna be dead" dark? Okay, easy, I just wanna say this, like, right off the bat, suicide is not the answer.
Who said anything about suicide? I just said maybe I should find a new hobby, like coin collecting.
Or something at the beach.
I like water activities.
Like drowning? What? Drowning? I don't want to drown! No, no, of course you don't.
That's awful, okay? But I don't care what you say about suicide in a lake being poetic, you know, like, your body floating to the top of the pristine, serene waters and your final breaths rippling out in an ever-widening circle, you know, like the circle of life.
But you have to stop that kind of thinking.
You have so much to live for.
You're damn straight, I have a lot to live for! Of course you do.
You see, I can tell, this phone call is helping you already.
Dude, what the hell was that? Was he trying to help me? Cause I feel really creeped out right now.
Dude, he put you on the creepy train headed for Creep Island where the natives drink creep nectar out of creepy coconut shells Shawn, it's horrible.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
He's nuts, Shawn.
Yes.
And worst of all, he actually made some good points! I mean, pharmaceutical sales, not sexy.
You are my only non-work friend.
There's got to be something wrong with that.
Hey, hey, hey, what is this? What? Hang in there.
He's right, I need to start taking some more risks.
Does that mean we can go cliff diving in Zihuatanejo? No.
I'm being serious, Shawn! Look, would it make you feel any better if I told you Hiltonbock called? We got the apartment! What would make me feel better is if we called the police! This guy is dangerous, Shawn.
Let's call Vick.
Maybe get him arrested.
Gus, Gus! What? The only thing this guy is guilty of right now is being a bad poet.
You know how this game works.
We cannot just pick up a phone and beg the police to come and save us.
Look, just Just stay away from the water for now.
Final decision, we wait.
No, it's this way.
You sure? Yes.
Now, was that so hard? Maybe you'd care to explain this.
My eyeliner pencil? So, you admit it's yours.
Funny how Gloria Starks' suicide note was scrawled across her windshield in black eyeliner.
Yet no eyeliner was found at the crime scene.
You, my friend, are looking at exhibit A.
Bag it, O'Hara.
You like your music, don't you, Rory? Yeah, I do.
It's my inspiration.
I bet.
I bet it inspires you to kill.
That's why you couldn't resist playing your big-haired, drug-induced death music on Mortimer Tilden's stereo while you forced him to swallow all those pills.
Or on Gloria Starks' car radio while she slipped into unconsciousness.
And even now.
Let's have a little listen, shall we? What, you think you can pull a fast one on me switching out your head-thrashing crap for this noise? This crap is all I listen to.
I hate metal music.
I use the details that I get from callers to write better poems.
I am not a killer! Yeah, I know, you're a poet, but you're also an assaulter, aren't you? Who do you think arrested you on that assault charge? Oh, a guy from the phone company found the victim.
I didn't kill anybody.
Get him out of my sight.
What? You're not taking notes? How could you let him do that? Now Lassiter gets credit for solving the crime and we won't get paid.
Oh, we're gonna get paid.
How do you figure? Lassiter didn't solve the crime.
Rory is innocent.
He didn't do it.
He didn't? No.
Then who did? Just grip the spike with your little foot and climb! Come on! Why do I gotta go first? 'Cause you're a climbing machine, Gus.
Just, you know, be careful.
Grip the spike with your foot! Okay, oh, okay, okay.
Grease.
Dude, dude! Dude, I know who the killer is! Can I come down then? No, no, stay up there.
I have to figure out where he's headed.
Who is it? Well, put it this way, I don't think taking the apartment is such a good idea, unless you think it's cool that our would-be landlord is a serial killer.
Hiltonbock? There was a pattern.
See, all the murders coincide with dates that Hiltonbock was servicing the phone lines.
That's when he had access.
With this? Yes.
Yeah, yeah, send that down.
Perfect! See, this device stores all the incoming and outgoing calls.
My guess is that wherever number he dialed last, that's where Hiltonbock is headed.
And whoever that is, is probably his next victim.
Hello, you've reached Buzz McNab.
I'm not in right now, but please do leave a message and I will get back to you when I get in.
Oh, no.
Who are you calling? Hello, Chief? Hey, Shawn Spencer here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, I'm getting a vibe right now as big as a Buick! Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, you don't.
Stay, boy cat! Hey, McNab, so this is the place, huh? It's nice.
It's really nice.
Drop it! Don't come any closer.
Put it down or I will drop you! I swear to God I'm gonna shoot him.
Drop it! Everybody breathe, just breathe! Get out of here.
Well, the other ones must have gone a lot smoother than this, huh, Hiltonbock? Though, comparatively, it was probably pretty easy to get Mortimer Tilden to swallow those pills.
You wanna die, old man, huh? Eat them! Because you are not really a cold-blooded serial killer.
Are you? No, but he threw his own brother off a building! I didn't push him off the roof.
No, no, no.
No, you didn't.
You didn't do that.
But you were there.
You saw it.
You saw the whole thing.
You saw him jump off the balcony of the apartment that you shared.
He was weak.
There's a lot of weak people out there, Hiltonbock.
Are you gonna track them all down, huh, one at a time? Punish them for their weakness? You wanna get back at your brother so badly, you don't even care who these people were, just that they called the line.
And look, you're gonna kill McNab here just because he had a few pre-wedding jitters.
I was just looking for a little advice.
Nobody else would talk to me.
It's okay, Buzz.
We all have stress.
All of us.
Right here in this room.
I mean, take a good look, Hiltonbock.
We all have problems.
Who else deserves to get shot or hung? Maybe it's Gus.
That's enough, Spencer.
No.
Shoot him.
What are you doing? Yeah, maybe I should.
Don't listen to him.
He's a crazy person, he's crazy.
That's right, I am crazy.
So maybe you should shoot me.
Okay.
Here's the best part.
It doesn't matter what I think, because you have a problem that's a lot bigger than me.
This guy.
The man with his gun trained on you is not only a fine human being, with a strong Irish hairline, he is an exemplary public servant and arguably the finest detective mind in the lower western Santa Barbara County area over the age of 35.
And right now, while I'm speaking, he is devising a swift and stealth-like tactic that is going to disarm you and blow your freaking mind! Anytime you're ready.
All right, we gotta make the move.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! That was adequate, Spencer.
Don't thank me.
Thank the little boy cat.
There you are.
There's my big guy.
There's my big guy.
You are a hero.
You are a hero today.
Yes.
Speaking of heroes, McNab, I was gonna get you something off the registry online, but it turns out the Chief already got you the asparagus steamer.
So, instead I give you this little guy.
Yeah.
If you take him in the car, he likes to ride upfront, shotgun.
You know, there's something beautiful about the color Fruity Puffs turns the milk.
I think it's the most beautiful thing in the whole world.
You know, I've been thinking.
You're not the only one who lives a charmed life, Shawn.
I got it pretty good, too.
Yes, you do, and it makes me glad to hear you say so.
I mean, the other day at work, this dermatologist, Katie Finestatt, commented how I looked handsome carrying my sample case into her office.
Finestatt said that? Yes, she did.
And she is fine.
So, it got me thinking, maybe pharmaceutical sales can be sort of sexy.
There are times when I have to stand a few feet away because you're literally sizzling.
You see what I'm saying? I mean, you may be my only non-work friend, but you're my best friend.
And how many best friends does one guy need, really? That's my point.
It's all in the attitude, Gus.
Exactly.
Not sweating the small stuff.
Life is too short.
Too short.
Changing my attitude, Shawn.
Where the hell is my prize? Where's my ring, Shawn? Easy now.
No, no, I've timed the bowls out perfectly, Shawn.
Me, then you, then me, then you, then I get the prize! What happened to "Not sweating the small stuff? "Life's too short," all that? Did you open the bottom of the box? Now, why would I do something like that? That's my ring.
You know I would kill for that ring, don't you? Oh, you're upsetting me.
You just changed my mood from an orangey yellow to a muddy brown.
You need to say something sweet.
Quick.
Gus! That's so childish.
I'm gonna eat yours! In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity I'm not inclined to resign to maturity If it's all right then you're all wrong But why bounce around to the same damn song? You'd rather run when you can't crawl I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know I know, you know