Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Psy vs. Psy

Look I'm telling you, my son Shawn did not have a permission to go on that field trip.
Well, he did turn in his permission slip signed by you.
Signature's a forgery.
It's a fake.
Well, that's a little dramatic, don't you think, Mr.
Spencer? Look, this form is a counterfeit.
These are serious charges.
And my son needs to be punished.
Mr.
Spencer all three are permission slips also signed by you.
Yes.
Yes.
- Yes, those those are my signatures.
- Well, you see, then? I'd be hard-pressed to believe that a child of Shawn's age could be capable of such detailed forgery.
Well, you don't know my son.
No offense, but you are the vice principal of a middle school, not a handwriting expert.
That testimony's not gonna hold up in court.
Well, we're not talking court.
Are we? You know, 'cause if we were, you should know that I did take a handwriting personality course at the Learning Annex last summer.
And I can tell by the way you, uh, turn your N humps that you have a very open and childlike kindness about you.
I could be off on that.
You know, it it was a one-night seminar.
Okay now, as a sergeant with the Santa Barbara Police Department, let me tell you what I know.
See the pen lift on the R there? The bleed mark that shows hesitation, as if thinking, "Gee.
How do I form that next letter?" Now I don't know about you, but I don't have to think about how to sign my own damn name So you're wrong.
Really? I don't know, Dad.
I think Mr.
Petlic has a point.
They look pretty identical to me.
Hey, check it out.
There's Lassiter.
Make a loop like a bunny's ear, wrap it around, careful as you steer That's a good boy, Lassie.
Wait a minute.
You're not Lassie.
Well, I don't know what a Lassie is, but I'm not it.
I'm Special Agent Lars Ewing with the FTD.
- You're a special florist? - Federal Treasury Department.
We have a department that deals exclusively with treasures? If you'll excuse me, I have a meeting in an Interim Chief Vick's office.
That's where our meeting is! This is very exciting.
I feel nervous.
Is that what you're wearing? This goes against every federal bone in my body, but who are you guys? I'm not familiar with the federal bone.
Is that connected to the hip bone or the knee bone? Well, I can tell you what the knee bone is gonna connect with - if you don't get out of my way.
- I'm gonna guess.
Not the funny bone? - This meeting is bigger than we thought.
- Yeah.
Get us some seats close to the desk, but not on the side.
I'll catch up in a second.
Waiting for Godot? Guffman.
Waiting to exhale? I'm not waiting to exhale.
- Shawn Spencer.
- Lindsay Leikin.
I'm the head psychic in the department.
This is - sort of my joint.
- They, um - hire psychics around here? - Personally, I'm a little bit skeptical.
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
I was just getting a very strong vibration.
Did you did you just recently take up the guitar? Oh, my God.
Yes, just recently.
Very impressive.
How did you do that? Sometimes there's just this amazingly strong connection from the word go.
I'm getting something else.
This is gonna be a very, very good week for you, - Lindsay Leikin.
- Really, I - didn't think - Just let it happen.
So let me officially welcome you to Santa Barbara.
We are all ready and willing to Don't let me interrupt.
Please continue.
What'd I say about seats on the side? Mr.
Spencer, this is Special Agent Ewing from the Treasury Department in Washington.
Yes, we sniffed one another in the hallway.
He is here because they have been tracking an aggressive forger who's been counterfeiting large numbers of $100 bills and then laundering the money into small communities across the country.
The last being a Home Depot right here in the heart of your little hamlet.
Well, we are raring to help you with this federal bust.
Who is this? This is Carlton Lassiter, our head detective, and his junior partner, Juliet O'Hara.
Ah, the name Juliet.
"How silver-sweet sound lovers' tongues by night.
" Shakespeare.
Romeo and Juliet.
"Tootie, you in trouble.
" It's Mindy Cohn.
Facts of Life.
Could you gentlemen please state your name once again? And please speak clearly.
Is that a recording device? Government issued? Asking if that is a recording device is like asking if this is a pen.
- Is it a pen? - That's classified.
It's tiny.
- Probably can't hold much.
- Oh, that's not a tape recorder.
That is a high-tech microphone system attached to a Mildred.
A Mildred? What's what's a Mildred? I believe it's an intelligence-gathering device.
"Mildred" is probably an anagram.
Military Intel Listening Device Recorder something.
Mildred is not a device.
She's my stenographer.
You have your own stenographer? I am hyper-careful.
Can't take any chances.
Saved my behind more than once in making cases stick past deposition.
- Brilliant.
Chief? - Not happening.
Now what I need from all of you is your full cooperation in assisting Special Agent Ewing in any way he sees fit.
- Now, any questions? - I have a question for Special.
- Who is this? - I'm sorry.
This is Shawn Spencer.
And his partner, Burton Guster.
Mr.
Spencer is a psychic with the department who I thought might be helpful.
Well, next time I have to go on a panty raid, I'll give him a call.
But we already have our own psychic.
She's just started in the department and she is already a superstar.
Got us so close to the counterfeiter a month ago in Wilmette, Illinois.
We must have missed him by only a few minutes.
- Mr.
Spencer, - Lindsay Leikin.
- We too met in the hallway.
- Okay, then let's adjourn this meeting.
I know Special Agent Ewing has prepared informational packets for all of you.
- We will meet at the Home Depot tomorrow.
- Let's say 0700 hours.
- 700 hours is almost 20 days.
- Shouldn't we act sooner? - 0700 is 7:00 a.
m.
- Precisely, Detective.
- Striking and whip-smart.
Intriguing.
- I knew that too.
You have Pennsylvania Ave.
Running through your veins.
Ever consider taking the Bureau exam? I have.
Let me set up that conference area for you.
Right this way.
Little skeptical of psychics, are we? I should have said "just you.
" And don't think I didn't pick up on that calluses on my hands guitar clue.
Good one.
This is gonna be good.
I'm gonna solve this case, and I'm gonna prove you're a fake.
Fun, right? Okay, you are all instructed to cooperate fully with the federal agents.
I'll be damned if we're gonna get shown up on our own turf.
They may be the feds, but we are a team and this is our town.
They will need us.
You breached protocol, Leikin.
I waited outside the hotel, 0630.
- You weren't there.
- Yeah, sorry.
I got up early and went to go get coffee.
Son, let me ask you a question.
What made you think those $100 bills were authentic? Um, 'cause they said "100" on them.
Are you an idiot? Don't answer that.
If I plopped a Granny Smith apple down on this counter and carved a "100" on it, would you accept that as legal tender? Don't answer that.
Do you know what microprinting is? - I'm confused.
Should I answer that? - I know what it is.
The introduction of microprinting as an anti-replicant feature began in 1990 with the addition of the words "United States of America" printearound Ben Franklin's lapel.
In addition, the words "U.
S.
100" are printed within the lines of the lower left 100.
I'm sorry is it just me, or is this unbearably boring? I don't know how Ms.
Leikin works, but Gus and I are going to investigate the body of the store and search for our culprit's twisted, wretched, filthy aura.
Because that is what serious psychics do.
Shawn.
What are you doing? - Shawn? - Dad.
Wow, you look so tiny down there.
What the hell are you doing up there? What does it look like I'm doing? We're making a case.
- A federal one.
- Oh, of course you are.
Well, when you've finished wrapping things up for the Pentagon, I want you at my house.
I got a project for you.
Afraid we're gonna be a little busy having our pictures taken with the President of the United States of America.
Mm, oh, I think you'll be there.
- You owe me.
- I owe you? Yeah, for the last 12 times I helped you solve one of your little cases - you agreed.
- Gus, did I agree to that? Well, technically I think you did.
See ya.
- Excuse me.
Can I help you guys? - Hello, Garrison.
We're working on the counterfeiting case.
And we need to see all of yesterday's security footage.
How do you know my name's Garrison? You thought this was gonna be a problem? I'm sorry, man.
I I didn't mean to freak you out.
My name is Shawn Spencer.
I'm a psychic with the police department.
There was already a psychic here last night.
From Washington, no less.
She looked at all the tapes and there was no positive ID.
She already came here, huh? And she's good.
She also knew my name was Garrison.
Uh, you mind if I take a peek anyway? I work a little differently than her.
My process is a little more complex.
I can sometimes pick up images that are underneath the - epidermal layer.
- Here it is.
This is the tape of the counterfeiter that she looked at last night.
You know, honestly, if that pretty lady psychic couldn't pick up anything, I can't imagine you're gonna have much luck.
You know what, you're probably right.
We gave it a shot.
Thanks, Garrison.
Tall? Short? Age? Race? Do you mean to tell me that the only thing you can remember clearly is that he was a man? And technically, I can't even be sure of that, now, can I? Wait.
I'm getting something.
- He did not wear corrective lenses.
- Actually, that is true.
Okay, well, that's something to go on.
Good work, Mr.
Spencer.
Great and so we're looking for someone in Santa Barbara - who does not wear glasses.
- He He had a small scar about three inches, on the jaw line.
And he wore a single stud diamond in his left ear.
Yes.
And yes.
She's exactly right.
I can see that clearly now.
That's why she's the best.
Tough break.
Wh Jules Dad, I'm confused.
There are plans for a wet bar.
Yeah, that's right.
For entertaining.
Right, but I don't see anywhere in the plans the portal into 1976.
Shawn, a wet bar happens to be a timeless home feature.
Right, perfect for those warm summer evenings when Reggie Jackson and Dyan Cannon swing by for Harvey Wallbangers.
Shawn.
Are you gonna crack wise or are you gonna get to work? I feel like it should be noted that neither Gus nor myself - are licensed plumbers.
- Yes, I understand that, Shawn.
I've already installed the sink.
All you two have to do is connect the fittings.
All right.
- Let's get to work.
- Seriously? - This will be good.
- It will? Work is good, Gus.
Work is glorious.
It's the breath of life.
- What is this? - It's a drill.
Of course it is.
Don't be ridiculous.
You're still upset that Lindsay showed you up at the crime scene, aren't you? What is her trick? - Maybe she's just more psychic-y than you.
- Gus, don't be ridiculous.
- There's no such thing as psychics.
- I don't know, Shawn.
Even I've been getting a little bit of intuition lately.
In fact, I'm getting something right now.
Something very strong.
She's she's better than you.
You know, they say imitation is the greatest form of flattery, but that hurts.
- It hurts below the belt.
- Shawn, if you want to beat her, then we have to actually work the case.
Utilize my knowledge.
You know I have a coin collection.
I've studied tender from around the world.
I have over 85 Buffalo nickels, Shawn.
Okay.
First of all, and this is key, don't ever, under any circumstances, ever admit that to anyone outside of these walls.
Secondly, I love utilizing your knowledge, Gus.
I can't wait until we have the case of the missing thimble.
But this case is not about counterfeiting.
It's about me versus her.
Ecks versus Sever.
- Joe versus the Volcano.
- Fine.
Then let's get to it.
- What do you know? - All right, this is what I got.
He managed not to be identified on any of the security cameras, which means he's smart.
Smart enough to stay ahead of the game.
Which means changing up anything that could be linked or traced to him.
Like his vehicle.
His key.
It was distinctively Nissan.
Probably a Murano.
Maybe a Sentra.
So we go back and check the outdoor surveillance cameras from the store, and look for Nissans - in the parking lot yesterday.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I already tipped Lassiter off to that.
The only one that didn't check out was a new one with no plates.
Ewing's informational packet links this guy to over a dozen vehicles since he left Washington.
His pattern's to spend six to eight days in a town before pricking up ears.
- You read Ewing's informational packet? - Cover to cover.
That's weird.
I just read the cover.
But I don't need to read the whole thing to know that that's his M.
O.
He's too smart to still be driving that car, Gus.
He's gotta be switching out his mode of transportation - on a daily basis.
- And paying cash.
Gotta launder as much of that funny money as he can.
So the question is, to which car dealership would a crook go to spend lots of cash without pricking up ears? This must be what Jay Leno feels like when he walks into his garage.
Which makes you Kevin Eubanks.
I don't think they roll around town together, Shawn.
- Can we talk to the owner? - First we play customer.
It's the people who groove on the floor that are gonna give us the scoop, Gus.
Excuse me, my buddy here is interested in the bana yellow Ferrari, though he's neither gay nor European.
I hope that's not a prob Look who finally figured it out.
Little late.
How did you not notice her, Shawn? - I wasn't expecting her to be here.
- You were looking right at her She's got me all out of whack.
- Get your head in the game.
- So what's going on? No one calls us anymore.
That's the new thing? I thought we were a team.
Yeah, first of all, the whole "team" thing.
She wasn't talking to you.
And secondly, Ewing didn't call me.
He called O'Hara.
- It's not like I asked him to.
- It's okay, Clarice.
- You don't have to make excuses to us.
- It wasn't just today.
My phone's been ringing all the time.
I don't know how he got my home number.
I mean, please.
Do you think I wanted to pick up my phone at 2:00 a.
m.
and hear his voice all gravelly and masculine? Probably called from the hotel.
Maybe just got out of the shower or finished with a swim.
Dripping wet.
Just catch Mr.
Spencer and Mr.
Guster up on what Ms.
Leikin was able to figure out.
Apparently our guy came in here, bought a used Lamborghini - for $47,000 in cash.
- Next day, he tries to return it.
All sales are final, but the sales manager makes a concession, offering mere $26,000 in cash.
He accepts it? What kind of idiot is this guy? A genius idiot, according to the feds.
You see, those familiar with this sort of thing know that it's the classic grift.
Essentially, he traded 47 Gs of worthless paper for $26,000 in cold, hard cash.
I've seen it before.
- Where, in a Mamet play? - Any witnesses? No, but a Lamborghini was spotted outside of town in Goleta, but it was moving too fast to make an ID.
You know, I don't think he's a swimmer.
He's not really that build.
I bet he plays rugby.
Hey, what color is that suit? - Black.
- Really? - It seems blacker than black.
- It's Washington black.
Look, if anyone wants to join me, I'm gonna be taking a look at some of the bills from the safe that didn't get deposited.
Look, Leikin, I think it's possible that we got off on the wrong foot.
- Is that right? - Yeah, I mean, this is silly.
We should join forces like Pitt and Jolie, you know? Work together, make it nice for everyone.
I don't think you get it.
I have nothing to gain here.
If you haven't noticed, my job is safe.
It's you I'm worried about, faker.
- In that case, maybe we should just date.
- I'm seeing somebody.
- Well, is it - Serious? Yes.
- You didn't know I was gonna - Yes, I did.
Dude, don't you know the move where you take off your jacket and you lay it across some seats? - Get your head in the game, Shawn.
- Uh, budgies? These are good.
But they're not great.
You see how on this bill, the edge of the nose on Ben Franklin's cloudy? Did you get that, Mildred? Hey, is there any reason a $100 bill would change colors? Actually, yes.
It's an effect caused by color-shifting ink.
It's only present in $100 bills.
The changing color is called color diffraction.
And it's made possible when light reflects off of metallic flakes added to the ink.
- Good work, Gus.
- Thank you.
So we'll check the information that Ms.
Leikin's gathered for us Thank goodness! Finally, some nice seats, huh? This is what I'm talking about.
What? Did I did I just sit in something? - Gus, do I have pudding on my jeans? - No, no.
- Nothing? - Shawn.
I think we're not welcomed here.
Gus, don't be a paranoid schizophrenic.
- We're always welcome here.
- No, look.
- Oh, my God.
We're not welcome.
- It's nothing personal, Mr.
Spencer.
Special Agent Ewing just feels that Ms.
Leiken has things covered on the psychic front.
And I have to agree with him.
Okay.
Take a hint.
Certainly don't need to be told twice.
I think you were just told three times.
You know what, this is fine, because we had a good run.
Thank you for the memories.
Oh, just one more thing.
You might want to check the cash from the dealership, because it's not all counterfeit.
That's ridiculous.
If I had learned how to laugh as a child, I would right now.
I looked at all those bills myself.
Do you really want to go against the leading special agent in counterfeiting with 14 years of experience under his belt and say that those bills weren't fake? Not all of them.
Just one.
And I believe the serial number was - ALD 975 7080 7 - 7! Where are we going? Shouldn't we have stayed until they checked the bills out? Wait for it.
Wait for it.
- Spencer.
Hold up.
- The bill checked out.
It's real.
All right.
Answer me this, Mr.
Psychic.
Why would a counterfeiter ever use real bills? Because he had to Man I read your informational packet cover to cover.
Our guy spends six to eight days in every city we're only on day four.
Quite simply, he ran out of dough.
He didn't know what kind of deal he'd be able to make on the car.
Turns out, short one bill.
- Lucky for us.
- So what's our next move? Well, I'll call Washington and begin I'm sorry, I was asking Mr.
Spencer.
Oh oh, you want to know what I think his next move is.
Oh, Gus, look, she wants Well, let's see here.
He's gotta print more money.
My guess is he, uh, set up shop here in town.
So we find his little nest, we find him.
Well, buddy I really hope you like this.
It took me 19 hours to bake.
Put it in last night before bed.
It takes 19 hours to bake a pineapple upside-down cake? It does when it's being heated by a 60-watt bulb.
It's not upside down, Shawn.
Who could that be at this hour? Are you gonna invite me in? Eh Uh guess.
So this is what a psychic detective office looks like.
You know, I always imagined it Does something smell like pineapple? Pineapple upside-down cake.
Would you like some? Wait.
Before you answer that, are you a fan of delicious flavor? All right, look.
This isn't easy for me to say, but I was wrong.
You're better than I thought.
Your discovery at the station today was a huge get.
I think we should work together after all.
The faster we find out where the counterfeiter's den is, the better.
That is, if you guys are willing.
I don't know.
Depends.
Don't you think, Gus? Wait.
I'm definitely getting something.
Oh, this is good.
It's a it's a it's a transient location.
Uh, where people can come and go anonymously, paying in cash.
And and it's remote, so they can print large sums of money on a noisy printer without being heard.
- Yes yes, I'm getting that same thing.
- Yes? - And I see it.
- Yes? It's by a body of water.
Really? It's by a body of water? Leikin, that's amateur stuff.
You know what, I might expect that from John Edwards.
Definitely from Miss Cleo.
But not from you.
- Leikin - Wait.
I'm also I'm also getting something in French.
A sign, maybe? - Could it be a European hotel? - Wait a minute.
She may be on to something.
I know this particular hotel.
It's on my sales route.
On a private beach - What? - It's just it's strange.
I'm I'm pretty familiar with your route, Gus.
I don't recall any private beaches with hotels on them.
- What are you talking about, Shawn? - Where was it you went last summer for the Pips autograph signing convention? - You met Gladys Knight? - No.
- Just the Pips.
- Actually, a Pip.
The other two got stuck in traffic.
Look, I don't wanna talk about it.
The point is, it's been under construction for months.
Which would account for the noise.
And it caters to Europeans.
- This could be the place.
- Sweet.
We totally scored.
But you couldn't have got that without my transient location thing, am I right? I don't I don't think that cake is cooked.
Listen, I need to know every guest cashed in the last week.
I'm sorry, who are you, and what do you want? Special Agent Lars Ewing.
Federal Treasury Department.
Head Detective Carlton Lassiter, Santa Barbara Police Department.
Presidential Recommendation for Distinguished Service.
Presidential Physical Fitness award.
Eighth, ninth, and tenth grade.
And I've got a cocktail napkin from Air Force One.
I personally arrested Ivan Boesky.
I wrestled in high school.
- What, with your conscience? - That is it! Look, we need to know who's paid with cash or travelers checks recently.
My God, you're a firecracker.
It would probably be easier to ask who didn't.
I'm sorry? This is a hotel.
We're a cash business.
Lots of European travelers.
With what foreign credit card companies charge these days, cash is king.
The south tower, I see him.
I see him in the south tower.
How many rooms in the south tower? There are 170.
All right, let's start banging on some doors and call for backup.
If we tap every available source of manpower, we can have this thing done I can alert Washington right now and have an 80-man SWAT team on a C-130 Hercules.
They could be here in less than three hours.
Filthy sheets! I see dirty, filthy sheets.
Yes, and towels on the floor.
And a mediocre, half-eaten turkey club sandwich.
And he's refused maid service.
Okay, what guest refused maid service? I might remind you we do cater to a very European crowd.
He's isolated.
He's in a less-desirable room that's not facing the ocean.
Do you have any rooms that face the parking lot? A few.
- He's in one of those.
- Let's see.
French woman.
Another French party.
Here here's a single gentleman.
Paid all in cash.
Corner room facing the alley.
And according to this, he's never taken his "do not disturb" sign off his door.
- Room number.
- Key! Clear! Nice job, psychics, let's get to work.
That's a really cute front-loader.
Thank you.
He prints the money, then he washes it here to soften it.
Then he tumbles it dry and beats it up with stones to give it that natural, worn texture.
Dude, there's linen fibers in that paper.
What was he doing, amending the constitution? You can't print money on regular paper, Shawn.
That's government-issue.
I'm getting a visual.
He printed a batch of about 50.
000, which will last him a while.
Five bills a sheet, at least 80 sheets missing from this ream that sounds about right.
- Wait.
No, I'm getting more.
I'm getting a lot more.
Like 500.
000, which would last more than just a while.
Maybe maybe a whole lifetime.
- That's not possible.
- It is if you live in one of the Baltic states.
I'm just not getting that feeling at all.
Anything over 50.
000 is just getting blocked from my receptors.
Not a chance.
Receptors? Really? This would do it.
This is a 500-sheet ream, and it's likely he used it all.
Treasury seal? No.
Passport seal.
Uh, this guy's officially on the lam.
We don't catch him now, we can kiss him good-bye.
The railway stations, obviously the airport security has been notified, and all the interstate agencies are on alert.
They've all been given the sketch based on Ms.
Leikin's description of the suspect.
Okay, but please keep your phones on just in case we get any movement.
What's the point? Nobody ever bothers to call us anymore.
Shawn, I don't do this much, but I just wanted to say thank you.
I know we haven't nailed him yet, but you were right, we make a good team.
Yes, we do.
And hopefully tomorrow we'll wrap this thing up.
Have a good night.
Wait for it Wait for it.
Shawn, I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere now.
Maybe continue working to see if we can't stumble upon some collective apparition.
That's a fantastic idea.
I love it.
Where could we go at this hour that's still open? You know what, I think there's a Color Me Mine that stays open late.
- You don't quit with the jokes, do you? - I'm sorry, would you like me to stop? Not yet.
I kinda like it.
But actually, I was thinking back to my hotel room? You know, it's something we could try.
I mean, it's not as much fun as making ashtrays with our names on them, but Yeah.
I'm a flexible guy, a sportsman.
Good.
All right, I'll head back to freshen up.
What do you say we meet at 2200 hours? Perfect.
Oh, I'm so rude.
Gus, buddy, would you like to join us? - Well, I - That sucks, so 2200 on the dot.
I'll be there.
Dude, what time is 2200 hours? Gus.
Buddy, help me out.
What is it? Is it, like, 11:00 times two? Buddy! So, tell me, Shawn.
Are you planning on doing psychic police work forever? No.
No, just until I find the girl of my dreams.
And then I'll whisk her off to Carmel and Open a small haberdashery Do some macrame, maybe.
Maybe blow some glass.
Well, as hot as that sounds, I think the psychic world would miss your talents.
Just make sure they appreciate you.
After a while, the world tends to take people with our abilities for granted.
Well, that's awfully easy for you to say.
I mean, you've already met your special someone Your handsome prince.
You're serious with somebody, remember? Actually, I recently had a change of heart.
- Really? Would a certain psychic have anything to do with that? Well, we do have quite a connection.
We do.
It's It's like our minds are just fused together, you know? I feel like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News, you know, when she's inside William Hurt's head? Okay, let's try it.
I'm thinking of something.
- None they don't bury the survivors.
- Yes, exactly.
You have a favorite color, and I'm seeing sea foam green.
Actually, it's blue, but that is so near the green family.
- Pick a number between one and ten.
- Eight.
That's close enough.
- You totally wanted me to do that.
- You totally read my mind.
# Dissolve the nerves that have just begun # # Listening to Marvin # # All night long # # This is the sound # # of my soul # # This is the sound # Whoa, slow down.
What do you mean she took off when? You know, I don't know when.
She tricked me, okay? She clearly wants to take all the credit for herself.
Look, just just meet me over here.
Oh, that's Lassie on the other line.
I gotta take it.
- You're dropping me for Lassiter? - Hurry up! You wait till now to call us? I called you as soon as I heard.
Do you think I want Junior G-man here to beat me to the punch.
Thank you.
Well, it's affirmative our counterfeiter.
Shot with his own gun there are signs of a struggle.
Checks out as Steven J.
Grabinski.
His only priors are a couple counts of petty theft, and small-time fraud in Washington.
He had a small scar, about three inches on the jaw line, and He wore a single stud diamond in his left ear.
Damn, she's good.
Whoa touchy! I don't know how you do it in Washington, but here, we don't disturb the body till forensics has a chance to come in, collect some evidence.
- Lassiter, ease up.
We're lucky if our psychic doesn't lick the body.
Well I guess congratulations are in order.
We have to hand it to our federal agents here.
Though we would have preferred to bring him in and charge him, this case looks pretty much wrapped up.
There's no need to congratulate us for doing what is our job.
We don't ask for commendation for what is merely our proud honor of servitude to our country.
Perhaps just a small hug.
Just an itty-bitty one.
I'm serious.
Too much? So how'd you sleep? Well, I guess I was right about one thing.
It turned out to be a pretty good week for you.
Look, I'm sorry, Shawn.
I don't know what you want me to say to you.
I don't know either.
You lost a case.
You lose.
She's on the winning side, you're on the losing side.
She's the winner, you're the loser.
You know, dad, had I made a list of things I did want to hear, that wouldn't even have made the top eight.
Something is really off with this cake.
But, Shawn, you want my advice, I think you should quit.
- What? - You should quit.
That's what you do.
When things get tough, somebody's better than you, you quit.
- Where is this even coming from? - Oh, come on, Shawn, I've got 80 examples sitting on the tip of my tongue.
Eighth grade you quit the bassoon when Bobby Nowocinski beat you out for the solo in the winter festival.
Let me get this straight.
You have an example from eighth grade sitting on the tip of your tongue? Shawn, the point is, a year from now, you won't even be working for the Santa Barbara Police Department.
- You don't know that.
- All right, look, Shawn, now I'm gonna tell you something that you do want to hear.
I accept you for who you are.
- Is that a fact? - That is a fact.
You don't have to prove anything to me.
I'm gonna let you off the hook.
Now, how's that feel, better? Now you can go ahead, and you can quit this too.
First of all and I think I can say this now with a fair amount of certainty there's definitely something not right about this cake.
Maybe because it was baked with a child's oven.
We're talking about a deluxe Easy-Bake Oven, Gus.
I paid over $300 for it on eBay.
This is hardly a toy.
Okay, I didn't major in psychology, but I'm gonna guess this doesn't have anything to do with the cake.
I'm sorry.
It's got nothing to do with you or me or my dad or the cake.
It's got a little something to do with the cake.
But it's mostly about Lindsay showing us up on this case.
She's either a crazy-good psychic, or she's just a better detective than me.
Hey, I thought you had her back at the hotel when you surprised her with that $500.
000 thing.
I'm getting more I'm getting a lot more.
Like 500.
000, which would last more than just a while.
- Maybe a whole lifetime.
- That's not possible.
I did have her.
I totally had her.
Come on! Mildred, you kept a record of everything that was said in this investigation.
Am I right? If someone as little as burped, I got it down.
- There's a symbol for burp? - Terrific.
I need you to clarify something for me.
Two days ago, in the morning, outside the Home Depot center.
Ewing and Leikin making small talk.
Can you read that back? - What was that, 0700 hours? - No, no, it was 7:00 a.
m.
Here's something.
Ewing: "Do you know of a good chocolatier?" Leikin: "I had someone in Seattle, specialized in hazelnut praline stuff very good.
" - It was just after that.
- Something about the dye used in public swimming pools to identify urine? - No.
- The musical Wicked? - No.
- Something about coffee? - Yes, that's it.
Mildred, could you read the coffee thing? Ewing: "You breached protocol, Leikin.
I waited for you outside the hotel, "Yeah, sorry, I got up early and went to grab coffee.
" Mildred, where are Ewing and Leikin now? Where I'm supposed to be catching a chartered flight back to Washington.
- I'm late.
- Not a problem.
We'll give you a ride.
We happen to be headed that way.
That's great.
- Mildred, here, say this.
- Shotgun.
Tough luck, buddy.
Well, folks You all did a nice job on this investigation.
So, uh you have a MySpace page or something? Whoa, Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay! Wait, wait, wait! I just wanted to make sure I had an opportunity to congratulate you, you know, personally.
- Thank you.
It's not necessary.
- No, no, no, it is necessary.
You did it.
You cracked it.
I mean, you deserve all the credit You're amazing.
She's an amazing person.
Look, Shawn, don't feel too bad.
- There'll be other cases.
- Yeah, yeah, I know.
I know.
But not for you.
You see It all started when you identified the scar on the jaw line of our counterfeiter, along with his little diamond-stud earring.
I mean, I couldn't even draw a hair color.
So there's no way that you could do that unless Unless you'd already seen him before.
- This is ridiculous.
- Is it? It's not like I'm wearing a giant moose costume.
I had a vision you were drinking coffee.
- Oh, congratulations.
- But not at the hotel.
You were driving past one Starbucks, two Starbucks, 17 Starbucks, and ended up all the way in Goleta.
On the very same day that Grabinski's Lamborghini was spotted just outside of town in Anybody? - Special? - Goleta.
That's right.
Goleta.
The two of you were partners and you were in touch the whole time.
What's more, they were lovers in the night.
I'm seeing somebody.
I didn't think it was possible to fall in love with somebody in the span of five minutes.
She got us so close to the counterfeiter a month ago in Wilmette, Illinois.
Probably just missed him by five minutes.
That's when you met him.
You didn't miss him.
She had him.
She had your bad boy red-handed.
Suddenly you were much more interested in combining forces and making a whole lot of money.
And it was going well.
It was going very well Until you blew it.
You know which moment I'm talking about, right? The one in the hotel room.
When you realized he had printed way more than the 50,000 that you'd planned.
And the passport? So you called him that morning, you met him at the warehouse.
It was you who struggled with him.
And it was you who shot him dead.
Only then, having your vision that miraculously led everyone here to the crime scene.
Oh, come on.
I mean, I've seen poor losers before, but this is just sad.
Your DNA was all over him.
But you covered your tracks by touching the body in front of everybody before forensics had a chance to come in and brush it.
Or comb it.
Braid it.
- Maybe put it in pigtails.
- Shawn! That only leaves one outstanding issue.
And that is Where's the rest of the money? Wait a minute.
What's happening? What's happening to me? I've heard about this.
It's called spontaneous psychic krav maga.
Oh, my, it's the bag.
Something's in the bag! It's bad.
It's very bad.
And it could be embarrassing.
Well, you were wrong about one thing, Shawn.
I didn't sleep with you because you were my enemy.
I did it because I really thought we had something.
Okay.
First of all, a little discretion would be nice.
All right? I mean, these are These are my co-workers.
Secondly, anything we had, you ruined.
Because you betrayed your gift, Leikin.
You give a bad name to psychics like me who pride themselves on the purity of that gift.
There are so many people out there who already doubt what we do.
Now you've given 'em all a reason to think that we're fakes.
You sicken me I'm sickened.
I mean, sure, I'm still wildly attracted to you on the physical level, but spiritually and psychically, you're dead to me.
Gun! I'm taking him and I'm taking the plane.
This is not what it looks like.
Okay, they're just processing Ms.
Leikin's arrest before we put her back on a plane to Washington.
It'd be great if you guys could give me this paperwork as soon as possible.
Got it.
Lassiter spilled a cup of coffee on me and right before I was supposed to get on the plane.
Thankfully I keep an extra crisp, white shirt on me.
Government issue, folds up to the size of my wallet.
Fits in my back pocket.
Gotta love those boys in the Gadget Tech Department.