Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Tuesday the 17th

Hey, Shawn, over here, buddy! Hey, how about a big hello for your old man you haven't seen in a week? Hi, old man.
Can we go now? No.
Where's Gus? I think he got abducted.
No, there he is.
Hey, Gus! Perfect.
Step on it.
You two didn't team up on the piñata contest this year, did you? No.
He ditched me for golden boy Jason Cunningham who wins every year and I got stuck with the kid who wore the jacket the entire week.
It's a million degrees out, why don't you go live on Hoth, you freak? You keep the piñata.
Okay, well, you keep the ribbon, Killer B.
I insist.
Hi, Mr.
Spencer.
Hey, Gus, hop in.
All right.
Hey, Killer B, if you're looking for your pocket knife, it's still in my back.
Where's your clown piñata? It's not a clown.
And wouldn't you like to know? Camp Tikihama Oh, what you are Reaches near and reaches far From white capped mountains To crystal lakes Sing out loud for Tiki's sake Camp Tikihama you're so true We'll come back and we'll love you Who are you? What are you doing? That's what you get for being a harlot, thank you very much.
What do you want? Hello? Is somebody there? I have a bat.
Phew! Hello? Oh, Sissy, thank God.
No, I'm fine.
It's just so quiet when you're here all alone.
I took some cold medicine.
I think my eyes are playing tricks on me.
No, no, no, you guys go have fun.
I'm just going to drink some tea and hit the sack.
Tomorrow I will be as good as new.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh.
Beyond awful.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end Dude, I'm telling you, you cannot add lettuce.
It completely takes you out of the burrito.
You don't seem to mind if a taco has lettuce.
That's because everyone knows the taco has assimilated, Gus.
The burrito remains authentic.
It's the Rollie Fingers of Mexican cuisine.
Oh, my God.
What the Isn't that your Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's my Rick Astley piñata.
I think it's dead.
Rick Astley? That's what that thing was supposed to be? Oh, come on.
You sound like the judges.
Look at it.
It's painfully obvious, even now.
It looks more like Ann-Margret.
What? I had it narrowed down to Eric Stoltz or Boris Becker.
Jason Cunningham? Killer B.
What's up, man? Salmon run.
Shawn, it's good to see you.
Cunningham.
Who would make an Eric Stoltz piñata? That doesn't make any sense.
And what are you thinking, man? Children walk by here every day carrying their hopes and dreams.
My sincerest apologies.
I couldn't resist.
We found it when we dredged the lake.
Dredged the lake? You went back to Camp Tikihama? Yeah.
Been there and I bought it.
What? Yeah.
I'm reopening it Friday.
Let's take a walk.
Sure.
All right, what's the rub here, Cunningham? I know you didn't track us down after 20 years to tell us that Friday the Hey, look, I read the paper.
All right, you guys uncovered a dinosaur and rescued a mummy in the same calendar year.
I need your help, as detectives and as old friends.
We're sort of missing a counselor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What does that What does that even mean, "sort of missing"? I know what you're thinking and there are a million possible explanations.
Her name is Annie, she's kind of a loner.
She's a hiker and she never tells us where she's going.
I don't say this very often, but it sounds like one for the proper authorities.
Are you kidding? I call the cops and the press gets a hold of this, they'll go crazy.
The camp murder stories will start all over and I'll be dead in the water before I ever open.
Shawn, please.
Look, I poured 20 grand into this.
All right? It's all I've got.
Look, I'm sorry, Cunningham, but my gut is saying no in THX.
Shawn.
If you can't do it for that poor girl or an old friend with a good heart, do it for the children.
It's kids.
It's for the kids.
I don't want to.
Just do it for the kids.
I don't want to.
All right.
May I help you, Detective? Just thought these might brighten the place up a bit.
Wow.
What a wonderful sentiment for you to buy these for me.
Actually I bought four just to have options, but these were by far and away the worst ones.
Supposed to be poisonous.
Tried to give them to the lady down in fingerprinting, but turns out she's a man.
From birth.
I see, well, thank you, I guess.
You're welcome.
Here, you get to choose between these two.
They didn't make the cut either.
Be careful, though, one of them is expired.
May I ask what brought on this generosity? Yes, you may.
I have a very special dinner date this evening with my estranged wife.
You're reconciling? Things have been pretty good between us lately.
We've been friendly.
Beyond friendly.
I've been asking her to go to Gerard's for months and she's finally accepted.
Wow.
Gerard's, that's a surprisingly chic choice, Detective.
That's where we had our first date.
Back then it was a greasy spoon.
I had diarrhea for a long while.
They actually changed some health codes because of it.
But new beginnings and all.
You get the connection.
Well, I really, truly wish you the best, Carlton.
Thank you.
But maybe you should be a little cautious here.
How so? You know, the whole eggs in the basket, jumping with both feet thing.
Hey, you're a woman, is it too early to bring up kids? Man, this place brings back so many bad memories.
Shawn, you need to let the piñata thing go.
We were 11, I wanted to win.
It wasn't about winning or losing, Gus.
It was about you and me being an unflappable two-headed pre-teen phenomenon.
Like the Mowry twins, sticking together no matter what.
You're all doomed! All right, we're out of here.
Shawn, stop it.
He's kidding.
Look at him.
Yeah, clearly.
He has a folksy sense of humor.
The Garrison Keillor of Tikihama.
Turn around before we get stabbed.
Where is he going? I don't know.
This doesn't feel right, man.
We should not be here.
Look, let's just get it done.
We'll find the girl and get home for some Burn and Vertes in a couple hours.
My treat.
Excuse me.
Is Jason around? We're old friends of his.
I think he's inside trying to figure out what's eating Gilbert Grape.
Turns out it was a flesh eating virus.
Oh, I get it.
You're the funny guy.
You guys must be counselors.
I'm Clive, in charge of all water activities or anything wet.
Billy.
Fitness, nutrition, body sculpting.
I'm a bit of a fitness buff myself.
I'm training for the Santa Barbara 1 K.
That's only about 3,000 feet.
There's not a lot of training involved.
Hello! Oh, please don't do this.
Do what? Every time you see a marginally cute girl you lose all semblance of reason.
I don't do that.
Just like you don't flick your nose with your thumb when you're trying to act cool.
Jason, we made it.
What the hell happened to him? He's fine.
Those are nurse's shoes.
They're probably very comfortable.
They're both left feet.
Hello Burton, Shane, so glad you could drop by.
I had some biscuits in the oven, but I forgot to light the pilot.
Jason, are you feeling okay? I'm super.
Did I tell you about the biscuits? My name is Shawn Spencer.
I'm psychic.
This is my partner Lumpkin My name is Gus.
But you can call me Slicks.
Slicks? What's your name? Sissy, arts and crafts.
How are you? Good.
Thank you.
Anyway, we are here to help track down your missing counselor.
I thought you said Annie called.
I thought she would call, but she hasn't.
She hasn't called, but we're sure she's fine.
Jason, what haven't you told them? You guys are aware that this is Billy, let's keep our business, our business.
Okay? This is just about Annie.
Now, show them the camp house.
What's with the doll? It's for the kids, Shawn.
And I know what you're doing, you're trying to interpret everything as creepy just because you're jealous of Jason.
Let's just get this over with.
This place is musty.
It's vintage, Shawn.
Hello, Sissy.
Hi, Slicks.
This is the last place we know Annie was for sure.
I talked to her on the phone last night.
She wasn't feeling well at all.
Well, then, my guess is that she didn't get up at the crack of dawn and go for a hike.
So you guys really came here when you were kids, huh? Well, you know how it is, do the bunk bed thing, make some lanyards, catch a fish.
Go home early because some repair man got electrocuted in the swimming pool and the camp closed.
Oh, my God! That really happened? Yes.
It was a tragic accident.
And it happened 20 years ago.
Gus, grab your suit.
What is that? Laundry shack.
Who's doing laundry? Not me.
We're not supposed to use the dryer.
It drains too much energy and our generator's messed up.
Those are Annie's pajamas.
Doesn't mean anything.
She could be fine.
Billy's right.
Maybe she was painting a fire engine and decided to go for a swim.
This is not paint, Shawn.
Who could do something like this? Anybody for the toothless old guy on the rusty Schwinn? You mean the janitor? Janitor? Take a look around.
I really don't think you're getting your money's worth.
Crazy old Erwen.
Erwen wouldn't hurt a fly.
Would anybody like some tea? Maybe something black? You don't have to decide now, I'll just put some on.
Okay, what is that about? Tea isn't the worst idea ever.
It's a great stress reducer.
This cycle just started, which means whoever did this is close.
I say we go looking for him.
Clive? Define "looking for" because I don't really feel like losing any of my extremities.
We stay within shouting distance.
We meet back at the office at 6:00.
Nobody's one minute late.
You got me? Let's twist this.
You guys aren't going to let me go alone, are you? Yes, we are.
Of course not.
We were actually thinking of staying here in the laundry shack.
Really scoping this place out with a fine-toothed comb.
Oh, please, Gus, Annie could be out there somewhere.
I hear you.
She's right, Shawn.
Annie needs us.
Excuse him.
We've never met Annie.
She could be a terrible person.
We've suddenly have fallen into some kind of slasher movie scenario and we're making all the classic mistakes! We stay here, shut the door, wait for help.
At least take something pointy.
Annie! Annie! It'll be okay, Sissy.
I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for all of this.
No, there isn't.
But I appreciate your attempt to put me at ease.
I'm literally shaking over here.
Don't worry.
They call me fearless Guster.
I And there's plenty more where that came from! Annie? Annie? Is somebody there? Huh? I'm right here! Hello.
May I help you, sir? I certainly hope so.
I have a reservation under Carlton Lassiter and spouse.
Your reservation is for 7:00 p.
m.
That's right.
It's 5:20.
Yeah, well, parking wasn't quite the rattlesnake I'd anticipated.
Well, sir, none of our wait staff has arrived as of yet, but I can assure you the table will be ready at 7:00, sharp.
I'll wait.
You're going to stand here? I'm a peace officer.
I'm practiced in surveillance.
I can remain motionless for up to eight hours if need be.
The bar is also open, if you'd prefer to sit.
Oh, that's good, too.
Victoria.
I was kind of nervous so I got here early.
Me, too.
Hello? Shawn? Jules.
Wow.
You made really good time.
Shawn, are you hiding in that closet? No.
No, I'm not.
That's a negative.
How have you been? Okay, this is weird.
Here's the thing, Jules, and I wouldn't possibly have expected you to know this, but sometimes the psychic headlights can get a little bright and I have to balance that effervescence with dark space.
Closets are very good, coffins are great.
Shawn, you sounded really spooked on the phone.
What's going on? Yeah, solid question and I'm going to bring you up to speed, but first, would you mind coming back in and catching me doing some inverted sit-ups or perhaps lifting a large anvil over my head? Where's Billy? I don't know.
We split up.
Well, did you find anything? I stumbled upon Erwen's living quarters and I mean that loosely.
Gus, there you are.
Look who I found.
What the I'm Clive.
I'm hilarious and I have no girlfriend.
Hi, I'm Juliet and I'm a cop.
Nice rejection.
Very clean.
Have you seen Billy? No.
He said 6:00 sharp, not a minute late.
And then he said let's twist this.
It's ten past.
Listen, if half of what Shawn has told me is true, none of you are being very smart.
Everyone needs to get inside together now.
Let's go.
Come on.
So you don't really know this Jason guy at all? Any of you? I can't believe I let him talk me into this.
Careful, Sissy.
You of all people should Forget that.
Enough is enough.
Jason wasn't completely honest with you guys.
He I can't imagine what you were about to say, Sissy.
Can't even imagine.
Who is she? Detective O'Hara.
One of Santa Barbara's finest, both literally and figuratively.
Judas.
Pardon me? No cops.
You gave me your word, Spencer.
You've ruined everything.
Look, Jason, we have blood soaked pajamas in the dryer and now Billy's missing, too.
I think it's safe to say that there is a clear and present danger here.
I'm finished.
I can't open the camp now.
Not now! Listen, Jason, I am not the enemy here.
I think we all just need to stay together.
Nobody had to know.
I could have fixed this.
You've destroyed me, lago! What does the parrot from Aladdin have to do with this? He's not well.
We can't just let him go out there all by himself.
All right.
No, you stay here with us.
She's right.
You stay here with Sissy and Clive.
Gus and I will bring Jason back.
This is our case, he's our responsibility.
You must be out of your mind if you think for one second I'm going out there.
I've seen enough slasher movies to know that when a brother goes off to the woods, he doesn't even sort of come back.
Sorry.
LL Cool J made it all the way through Deep Blue Sea.
That was in the water, Shawn, with sharks and Sam Jackson's ass still got swallowed whole.
Fine.
I'll go alone.
I don't like this, Shawn.
Well, your hands are a little bit tied, aren't they? Plus when you showed up, I was hiding in a closet.
So I figure I'm due to man up.
If I'm not back in exactly four minutes, please go looking for me.
But really start giving it some serious thought after two.
And if you think that there's anything even slightly amiss after 45 seconds, you're the leader here.
I told you we never should have come back to this place.
Jason! Dude, we took a vote! Staying in the house, not wandering around the woods won! Pretty much unanimous.
Oh, man, we can totally do laundry in the morning! Annie? Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Annie? Drop it or I will shoot you where you stand! No, don't shoot! I have the shot! Don't shoot! Shawn, what are you doing? This isn't Friday the 13th.
It's April Fool's Day.
Same formula, but with a killer twist ending.
You almost had me.
Your humble servant, my lord.
Bravo.
Wow.
Mr.
Cunningham.
Bravo.
You did it, Shawn.
You really are something special.
What the Detective, please forgive me.
You so were not supposed to be here.
Somebody tell me what's going on right now.
In a nutshell, Jason's reopening Camp Tikihama all right.
But it's not for the kiddies.
I mean take a look around, he didn't even refill the swimming pool.
No, he's got something much darker in mind.
A murder camp.
It's like those mystery train things, but way, way cooler.
Every other week, eight people pay to have the bejesus scared out of them and solve a once-in-a-lifetime, whodunit murder mystery.
I needed a rehearsal.
And you two were in on this? Only the set up, the dry run Jason started caught me by surprise, scared me senseless.
But, whoa, what a rush.
We all knew about the camp, but we had no idea that we were going to be his little guinea pigs this week.
It was so weird.
I could sense that there had been a struggle in the kitchen.
It's me.
It's me.
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Left quite a mess, but somebody covered it up.
That's amazing.
How did you know it wasn't real? Well, I'm a psychic, Jason.
There's no reliable defense for that.
I could feel that nothing was what it seemed.
But I couldn't have done it without Gus.
You were right, partner.
That wasn't paint on Annie's clothes.
Paint dries so does blood.
But corn syrup mixed with red dye number three, not so much.
That's how we do it.
Yin and yang.
I'm the spark that starts the fire.
Of course that probably wouldn't have occurred to me if you hadn't wiped it all over your pants, buddy.
You see my best friend can't stand the sight of blood.
He's even fainted on occasion.
That's not true.
What? I don't believe you! You were in on all of this? Well, Jason called me a week ago and I figured this was the perfect chance to get Shawn back for an entire lifetime of scaring the daylights out of me.
Killer B.
What! So history repeats itself.
You two are my least favorite tag team of all time.
Really? With Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff on the table? Wow.
You just made that reference.
Well, I'll tell you what, let me start the apology train.
There is champagne on ice inside, maybe strawberries.
Yes! We should go inside.
On three.
One, two, three.
Thank you very much, sir.
Come on, Jules, try to have some fun.
We're not being chased around by an ax-wielding maniac anymore.
It's kind of a sick little charade and been a colossal waste of my time, but since it's not a crime to be distasteful, maybe I can hang out until the storm passes.
I think I saw some Choco-diles in the fridge.
Tempting.
I shall return.
Crazy old man, what have you done to yourself? If you're trying to make it up to the mountains this weekend, good luck.
Highway 17 has been completely blocked by an overturned logging truck.
Perfect, the wind probably brought down the only tower we had in the area.
I'll radio for an ambulance.
Don't bother.
They won't be coming and we won't be going.
Not tonight.
The road is completely blocked.
Of course it is.
A confidante told me, not too brazen, that I should proceed with caution.
And then I realized that's exactly my problem.
I never took any chances.
I didn't seize the moment.
I never let my emotions carry me.
I analyzed it all to death.
Protecting myself or protecting something, I don't even know what it is, but that's why we're here in this place.
I want to restart.
I want a second chance at a first impression, so here is something from the guy with nothing to protect.
Heart's on his sleeve, hat in hand.
Oh, God.
Don't say anything.
Just put it on.
It is long overdue.
No, this is It's just too much.
Oh, I've been working some overtime lately and sold some confiscated knives on Craigslist.
Of course that stimulus check, that certainly helped.
There's been a big mistake.
What? Did I do something? No, it's me.
I think I think that I was not very clear about my intentions when I said that I needed to meet with you.
What is this? It's our divorce papers.
Nobody is to touch that body.
I can justify moving it because of the storm, but until further notice, that porch is off limits.
Do we know what happened to him? It's impossible to tell before an autopsy.
But there are no clear signs of foul play that I can see.
He certainly didn't strike me as much of a swimmer.
His trailer doesn't have any running water.
I think he bathes in the lake.
Still nothing.
I want to know the second any of you can use your phones.
I guess this kills the game of strip cribbage that I was trying to start.
No, let's do it.
Anything to get my mind off this day.
Come on, Gus.
Jason, you're playing, too.
Whatever you say, my dear.
Come on, Clive, you know you want some of this action.
No, thanks.
I got weird nipples, though it does seem appropriate to play a game with a dead guy on the porch, I got a date in the den with the moon patrol.
What about you, Annie? Are you in? Um, no.
I want the rest of this muck off my neck and I want a hot shower.
Annie, where do you think you're going? Away from the animals.
Don't worry, you don't need to baby sit me, okay? I'll just be in my cabin regretting the decision to take this job in the first place.
Jules, may I have a word, please? Something still feels off.
I'm getting some pretty strong vibes that Erwen didn't have the big one while he was exfoliating his armpits.
Can't you do better than vibes? Jeff Goldblum and Cyndi Lauper couldn't.
How about you let me have an honest look at that body? All right.
He's a little nicked up, but the current carried him pretty far, so it could be anything.
No touching, Shawn.
Didn't need to be said.
Anything? It's not clear.
Not yet.
Strip cribbage, my ass.
God! Jason, you jerk.
That's not funny at all.
Get out of here.
Jason? What is that now, four in a row? This is nuts.
You still have on your shoes and socks.
Do you even know how this game works? Oh! Wow.
Boy, Billy, I will give you everything in Gus's wallet if you put your pants back on.
Dude, please cover your junk.
Probably just a breaker.
Back in a flash.
You guys aren't afraid of the dark, are you? Thank you.
Carlton.
Let's not.
You know this has been coming for a long time.
Honestly, let's just skip this part.
Signed them while you were in the bathroom.
Really? Two years ago you would have thrown them in the fire.
No.
Two years ago I would have lit them on fire and put them back in your purse.
I don't think this place likes me very much.
I don't think I'll ever stop loving you, not completely.
Say something.
When you first left me, I may have had you followed and cloned your cell phone, but it doesn't matter.
It's not about the past anymore, it's about tomorrow.
So I'm not going to say a word.
You know that I want to.
I want to scream to the sky that I would do anything to get you back, but I'm going to let you go because that's what you want.
Once you walk out that door, I'm going to let go of everything I've been holding onto so we can both have tomorrow.
Bye, Victoria.
Bye, Carlton.
Stupid breaker.
Jason.
You scared the crap out of me.
Dude.
Finally.
Shawn? I stumbled upon Erwen's living quarters and I mean that loosely.
Clive? Shawn, what's going on? I think we have a very serious problem.
What the hell is this? What the Clive killed Erwen.
I don't know why, but he did.
And now he's out there.
And so are Billy and Annie.
Listen to me very carefully, I want you all to stay together in the living room.
Don't open the door for anybody but me.
I'm coming, too! No.
We can cover more ground this way.
Shawn.
We're not discussing this.
There's not time.
Shawn.
Buddy, it'll be okay.
I'm going to be right back.
You hold down the fort.
This is a disaster.
I hire a psychopath to work at my murder camp.
What are the odds? Let's just keep it together.
Nobody's getting in here.
We're going to be okay.
What was that? What was what? Jason! Clive! Jason! Get her out of here! No! Get her out of here! Get out! Annie! Annie! Billy! What are you doing out here? He was in I don't understand.
He was in the house! Oh, my God, Gus! Stay here! Gus! You're okay! You're okay! You're okay! You're okay! You're okay! You're okay! Uh-oh! Clive, you don't want to do this! Gus! Oh, but I do! I'm quite sure of it.
You see the man that died here Of course he was.
And you guys think it's funny? It's fun? You want to re-enact it for a game? Well, I can play, too! Shawn, what are you doing here? I came in here to save you! I beat him already! Well, I can see that now! Here, take this! This is a pool skimmer.
There's not a lot of options here, Shawn! Juliet! Clive, I was a victim here, too.
You're one of them! And now you're going to die! I don't even like Jason.
My piñata was a lot better than his! What are you even talking about? I don't know.
I was trying to make a point.
Things got personal.
Gus! What are you doing? I'm causing a diversion! You're all the same! You want murder and mayhem! Well, you got it.
This is my game.
And guess who's going to lose.
Gus, get back! Jules, a little help here! I don't have a shot, Shawn! Take the shot! I don't have it! Get it! Shoot that mother In the hand? Are you kidding me? Don't move.
You're going to be okay, Jason.
I'm so sorry.
I never meant for anybody We know you didn't.
Neither did I.
Just Time will heal.
You'll see.
Just get yourself right.
I'm going with him.
Why don't you stay here with us? I really should go.
After all, he is my fiancé.
What? I'm right here with you, honey.
You're going to be okay.
I just wanted to say thank you for shooting that whack job, psycho killer in the hand.
My pleasure.
And I know this probably sounds weird, but even though I was really scared and discombobulated and whatnot, that level of pinpoint marksmanship from you is easily one of the sexiest things that I've ever Shawn.
Okay.
How could something so ugly happen here? Just doesn't make any sense.
Last looks, Gus, it'll be a cold day in hell before we ever I'm sorry I ditched you and made a piñata with Jason Cunningham.
Apology accepted.
In between the lines there's a lot of obscurity I'm not inclined to resign to maturity If it's all right then you're all wrong But why bounce around to the same damn song? You'd rather run when you can't crawl I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know I know, you know