Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Dead Bear Walking

Everyone, can I have your attention please? Attention.
Two, three, eyes on me.
Excuse me.
Listen up! This is my kid sister, Lauren Lassiter.
Hello, everybody.
Come on, man.
Who is she really? There's no way that's your sister.
Stop screwing with us.
This is my sister.
Not genetically though, right? Yes, genetically, you idiot! What's the matter with you? Okay, all right, I get it.
There might be a little age difference between us but I can assure you, although she may not have been traditionally planned, she was a happy accident.
So my kid sister here is a very talented filmmaker.
And she's working on her graduate thesis.
It's going to be a documentary film about the nitty gritty police work.
Yes, I want to document how real crime is solved and I couldn't imagine a better way than to follow my amazing, awe inspiring big brother, Carlton.
Now, she is going to be following me 24/7, waking and sleeping.
Not sleeping.
Obviously the subject of said film is me, however some of you may find yourself on camera as background players, atmosphere, nothings.
No, no, no, no, no.
These are very important roles, all of you.
I'm warning you, no showboating.
Do you understand? You, what the hell do you think you're doing? Putting away a file.
And why is that, huh? You're trying to get on camera, aren't you? I'm a file clerk.
That's what I do, put files away.
Oh, and you just had to come all the way over here to do it? This is where the file cabinet is.
Oh, hello.
Chief Vick got a call about a body at the zoo.
Nice! Excellent! Yes! Sweet.
Sweet, nice.
Somebody's dead, there's nothing really nice about it.
Um, it's been assigned to us.
It is our case.
This is weird.
All right, people, did you hear that? We have a case to solve.
All right.
High fives.
How was I? It was good.
Um, I was an accident? You know, this doesn't seem like a normal city issue police vehicle.
Good eye.
It isn't.
The cruiser's in the shop.
This is my personal vehicle.
It's a Ford Fusion.
It's a hybrid.
It's new.
Sort of the trappings that come with my station in life.
You mounted a police radio in your personal car? You kidding? I'm having one built in my shower.
I'm a 21st century crime fighter.
I'm very dialed-in with all the latest cutting-edge technologies.
In fact, here, look at this.
See this? Uh-huh.
It's the sync button.
With one finger, I can access your daily horoscope.
Today's horoscope.
It's time to get other's opinions and feedback about yourself You realize we're going to be late to our own crime scene? Detective O'Hara's right.
We should probably go.
Hey, but later, maybe we can see how this baby does in a high speed pursuit, huh? How do you know there's going to be a pursuit? I have my ways.
Hey, Lassie.
Hi, Jules.
How'd you guys find out about this already? Well, first off, Gus follows several of the zebras on Twitter, and his phone is blowing up with Tweets.
I follow the exotic birds and they're actually Tweeting.
And finally we heard someone was making a motion picture.
Now, wait a minute, Lassie, this can't be your sister.
She seems so normal and human-like.
And perfect.
Stop it.
That's Lassie's sister.
They share the same DNA.
Sharing is caring.
I will not let this happen, I promise you.
Oh, please, I'm a player.
Hello, I'm Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner, Radio Star.
I'm afraid your video will kill him.
That's not true.
The name is Burton, and the camera has loved me since I've been a baby.
I know all about you guys.
I did my research.
Really? Oh, great.
So then you know that Gus has hepatitis K.
What are you doing? I am preventing a nightmare.
What are you doing? Would you just Just come on.
Come on.
Free the bear! Free the bear! Back off, hippie.
They're protestors, Carlton.
Same diff.
I'm not trying to be involved with a bear crime, Shawn.
What did you think it was going to be when you heard "body at the zoo," Gus? Some guy who got killed by giraffe kisses? The bear apparently turned on its trainer, Jasper Zane, in the middle of the night last night.
Zoo officials found his body this morning.
Oh, my god, that was terrible.
Can I do that again? Are we the animal cops now? Whoa, whoa, guys, get her out of here.
No spectators, ma'am.
Please back up.
I'm not a spectator.
My name is Gemma Kraemer and that trainer was my fiancé.
Oh, well, I'm going to need to take your statement.
Jasper rescued this bear as a cub.
He loved it.
He devoted his life to it and now this happens? This shouldn't have happened! All right.
I'm sorry.
Everybody, hold on.
Has anyone touched that body? Come here.
I've got to go in there.
I how do I actually get in there? All right, Lulu, let me show you how a detective surveys a crime scene.
There's a very specific method to it, an order.
Lulu? Oh, it's short for Lewis.
He gave me the nickname when I was a kid because I was a tomboy.
A late bloomer.
Better late than never.
Stop it.
Stop it.
What must it be like to have the privilege to work alongside my brother every day? Isn't he amazing? You're amazing.
The way you press that record button and whatnot.
He used to run hurdles in high school until he strained his groin.
You know, Gus here doesn't have a groin.
That's a true story.
Lulu! Why? Because you're being super creepy.
Okay, here we go.
See, here's what happened, the trainer comes in the enclosure after hours, he startles the bear.
Based on the blood splatter, the first strike is here, then he is knocked over these rocks, dragged to this point here, he was attacked again.
Eventually, he rolled down here, coming to a stop where he expires on the stairs.
You know what, I'm not sure he didn't just fall.
Something isn't right.
Okay, Lu, I'm going to bring you the good stuff.
I'm going to say the bear did it, case closed.
At that point you're probably going to want to come in nice and close to my face, okay? Everybody listen up.
Wait! Wait! I'm having a thought! More of a revelation! That polar bear did not commit murder.
It was framed.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know I know, you know So, when you said that polar bear was framed, was that a joke? Nope, not a joke.
The part about me not having a groin, that was a joke.
So like with the sea lion and the dinosaur Uh, my brother tells me it is your M.
To come up with something ridiculous and just hope for the best.
Well, that and have T-shirts made of said hunch and try to launch myself a catchphrase.
You two really don't take police work very seriously, do you? Well, that's really more Shawn.
I'm the more mature, rational one.
At the root, I'm mostly a businessman.
Oh, really? You should see Gus when he gets out the shower.
He likes to be swaddled and burped.
I believe they call that baby-ism.
He's crazy.
Be careful.
It can get hairy in here.
Wow, that really is a dead body.
Is it weird for you guys to be in the same room with a corpse? Gus? Oh, I'm fine over here with the beakers and whatnot.
Just so I can finish the paperwork, tell me the bear killed this guy.
In my professional opinion, this was definitely a bear attack.
Thank you.
Oh, can you say that again for the camera? Whoa, whoa, Woody, Woody.
Wait, don't, don't.
Isn't it possible that the bear did not kill this man? Absolutely.
What? Which is it? Sorry.
I'm a people pleaser.
Ah, young lady, what media outlet were you from again? Oh, it's for my graduate thesis film.
Will it be entered in any festivals in the eastern hemisphere? Specifically the Philippines? Maybe.
Oh, my God.
This is going to be in festivals? May we get on with the body please? Broken bones, check.
Lacerations, check.
Claw marks, check.
What is that voice? I'm distorting it for legal reasons.
That is a process done in editing.
Really? I always thought people did that themselves.
Well, I'll be.
Here's something fun, let it be noted the victim's larynx was crushed.
He was choked? Polar bears have opposable thumbs now? No.
And what about motive? You can't convict without motive.
I have motive.
The bear went bear.
You're not helping.
I'm not trying to.
Stop hating on bears.
If they stop first.
Come on, guys, this bear's going to be euthanized for no reason.
Uh, we need to get back to the zoo.
O'Hara, stop making up things to get on camera.
You know, he broke through this.
And then, you know, this is all his whole pen.
He's got it all So, Mr.
Banting, what happened here? The polar bear broke out of the cage.
And then what do you think happened? He just bought some cotton candy and walked out of the zoo? Well, by the time my team realized it was missing, it got too big of a head start.
I guess we know what the bear would do for a Klondike bar.
What? I just felt like my character needed a joke.
Ah, what is that? Oh, this is a ring-tailed lemur.
He has been acting out, experiencing depression, very needy.
Hence, the one-on-one attention.
Did you see any Coca-Colas or a sled? I believe this might be what he's using for nourishment, transportation.
And did anyone see a red scarf? Or hear the sound, "Wee"? That polar bear was our main attraction.
Come on, don't look at me with those judgmental eyes, Tobias.
It is what it is.
I got bear tracks.
Headed northwest.
All right, listen up, I want a hard target search on this killer bear.
We're going to hunt this thing down, we're going to find it.
Let's go.
Go where? Why are you harassing the lemur? He started it.
All right, look, there's an innocent bear loose in Santa Barbara, we need to find it.
If there's a loose bear running around in Santa Barbara, I'm not in Santa Barbara.
You ever know a polar bear that tried to force itself into its cage? No, Shawn, because I don't know any polar bears and neither do you.
Sure, the fence was pushed out, but the hinges broke inward and that tells the real story.
Free the bear! Free the bear! That bear definitely had help.
And I have a decent idea who's behind it.
I'm out.
You got this alone.
Are you serious? I'm dead serious.
I don't even like bears in fables, Shawn.
Goldilocks was a crazy blonde shortie for going up in that house in the first place.
Don't say shortie.
You're going to the bunny den, aren't you? Don't be making that your business.
Why are you talking like that? I'm deep in the streets, Shawn.
You're on a wooded path to nowhere.
I just don't like bears, Shawn.
You're not here to buy my van, are you? Look, I'm a psychic.
I'm filthy good.
I have an appetite for the truth, so I'm going to ask you a very simple question.
Where is the bear? Don't worry about the bear.
The bear is safe.
I'm the one that's trying to keep it from getting euthanized.
This is great news.
It means we're playing for the same team.
You and me, we're the same except I shower occasionally, and I worked at an Arby's once.
Let me tell you something, I'm not just some random tree hugger, all right? Don't try to put me in your little box.
Here's one I bet you didn't know, I make my own bath salts.
I make people smell like plums and sunshine.
Yeah, I do that.
Can I get you anything? Ah, let's see.
You know what I'll have the beef dip.
I'm just kidding.
She took that so seriously.
You listen to me, that bear is innocent, you got me? That bear didn't do anything.
You said so yourself at the crime scene.
And I meant it.
Given time, I will prove it.
I will find the killer.
But think about this, dude, I found you pretty easily, which means the head of the Santa Barbara police department and a bunch of animal control officers aren't far behind.
It's just, there's not a lot of places to take a polar bear in this city.
But you're in luck.
You see, polar bear relocation just happens to be my specialty, Jack.
That and marzipan sugar sculpturing.
So you tell me where the bear is, I will help you and I will help the bear.
And I will sculpt you a swan made entirely of molasses.
I want a turtle.
Yeah, there it is.
Ah, yeah.
Dude, dude, I know what you're thinking here.
I don't think you do, Shawn.
Gus, I want you to meet someone.
This is MacLeod Sinclair.
He's an activist and he knows bears, even ones that are bad news.
In fact, he lived amongst them at Yellowstone, and he has a signed Dan Haggerty eight by 10, so you know we're in good hands here.
Unless you tell me he has super powers and one of them being stronger than a bear Gus, see that wire? That, my friend, is an electric fence and the bear is trained not to cross it.
It's not a real electric fence.
It's just there to fool the bear.
How did that make sense to say aloud? Dude.
I don't want to be the uptight one here, but we simply cannot keep a bear in the Psych office held in by a piece of kite string.
What do you want to do? Take it for a stroll on the boardwalk? We have to keep it hidden.
And Lassie is out there with every available source of manpower hunting it down.
He's hunting it because it kills things, Shawn.
You know who kills things? Zoos.
Zoos kill things.
Mind if I get on my soapbox here? I prefer you get in the soapbox.
I showered yesterday.
You realize that's the day before today? Look, the point is, okay, is that keeping animals in fake rock habitats with plastic kiddy pools is criminal.
Anyone that had any heart, any compassion at all would shut down all zoos, especially one that would keep a polar bear in those conditions.
Animals were not meant to be in captivity.
Or in my office.
I'll tell you what, I don't feel one ounce of sympathy for that trainer, man.
If you ask me, he had it coming.
Oh, yeah.
Will you excuse us for just one moment, MacLeod? Sure.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That you aligned yourself with a fanatical animal activist who had a death wish for our victim? Oh, my gosh, we're totally aiding and abetting a murderer.
I'm not doing anything, Shawn.
You're the one who brought the world's largest terrestrial predator into our kitchenette.
Well, either way, we need to get out there so we can prove it.
I agree.
And we need to take the bear.
I do not agree, Shawn.
What's wrong with you? MacLeod, how do you feel about a coffee run, man? I'm buying.
Is it organic? All right, people, listen up, this bear spent the night somewhere and it's probably hungry by now.
There are more restaurants and dumpsters per square foot in this area than anywhere else in the city.
We will cover every alleyway, every back way, every rooftop until we find it.
This bear will not escape me.
Let's go.
Fan out! Okay.
Are we seriously doing this? Look, I called Benihana and much to my chagrin', they could not accommodate a table for two plus an 800 pound polar bear.
We need to start thinking like a bear.
I'm not going to maul an innocent hiker, Shawn.
Hello and welcome to Crabby Mel's, what can I get you? Ah, what do you want, a Coke? Can we have two Cokes, a large fry and fish sandwiches, tartar sauce, no buns.
What? We need to pay a visit to the trainer's house.
Whoever wanted him dead may have left a trail.
Or a picnic basket.
You didn't even consider asking Lassiter to get a key.
It's much, much easier this way.
For who? You know you have a better equilibrium with those staunch birthing hips.
Hurry up before the neighbors see us and someone calls the cops.
I need closer.
Have you figured out anything yet? I did figure something out.
I really enjoy being lifted.
Excuse me, can I help you? Uh, yes.
Have you seen another set of guys that look like us? We seem to have lost track of our chicken fight.
This is serious business.
I'm not even remotely joking.
If any of you has seen this bear, you better tell me now.
You may think it's a big fluffy toy but I assure you, this is no teddy bear.
This creature will kill you.
Most of you, swallow you whole.
You, tiny, you wouldn't stand a chance.
What, you think your buddy's going to help you when you're screaming and a bear's ripping your face off? No.
You like having arms? Huh? Those would be appetizers for this thing.
That's right.
You think I'm joking? Just look for stuff, Gus.
Like what? I don't know, man.
Anything that seems suspicious.
Wait a minute, this is something.
What is it? A copy of an insurance policy.
The trainer's life insurance? Nope.
The bear's.
And it's worth more dead than alive.
Payout is $2 million.
That would make the trainer a rich man.
No, it would make C.
Lee Banting a rich man.
He took out the policy.
That polar bear was our main attraction.
Lee Banting? The zoo director? So why does the trainer have a copy? I'm guessing he made himself one because he was suspicious of Banting's intentions.
So you think Banting is our new murderer? Well, we know the zoo's losing money paw over fist.
That's pretty good motivation to see this poor bear dead.
So what's our next move? Lunch? Dad, is there any chance you're coming home for lunch today? No, sadly, I am not.
Remember when you told me you caught that 40 pound salmon, it would probably take you a year to eat it.
Is there any of that left? Shawn, why are you suddenly interested in my salmon? Going to have to call you back.
Where's the bear, Shawn? What would possibly make you believe I have any idea where this bear is? Oh, um, well, first off, someone called in a tip about a tiny blue car driving an enormous trailer down Mariposa.
Secondly, I am dating you and I know when you're lying.
And third, there are like 300 packets of tartar sauce on the doorstep.
I appreciate your concern.
I'm going to start watching my cholesterol.
Hello, bear.
Hello, polar bear.
Oh, you want some more fish sandwiches? Oh, my God.
I'm doing this to protect you.
From the bear? No, it's soft and friendly.
No, from yourself, Shawn.
You are not thinking straight.
You have stolen a bear who is a prime suspect in a murder investigation.
That's just the thing, it's not.
Gus and I are onto several real suspects, human persons that had good reasons for wanting that trainer dead.
Just so you know, if you go to prison, Shawn, I will not wait for you.
You won't have to.
I'll escape.
We both know that.
Before you make that call, will you wait eight more seconds? Now, Jules, please.
Look at that polar bear.
Look at it right in the eye.
You tell me that it's a murderer.
Nice shot.
I'm here to see my client.
This bear is scheduled to be executed, Shawn.
It's like it's on death row.
Which makes me Susan Sarandon, you, Robert Prosky and the bear, Sean Penn.
Now I'm thinking about the bear playing Harvey Milk.
I would watch that movie.
It'd be a very different film from the original, but I think it would be pretty emotional still.
Where did you even I heard what happened.
I came right away.
So you really do care for this bear, huh? Please, don't.
Don't do what you're As a favor? I'm the cream in a crying sandwich.
I care so much about all these creatures.
I would never risk this bear being put down just to close the zoo.
Hey, man, we may have jumped the gun accusing you of killing the trainer.
That's cool, man.
Actually, no, that's not cool.
That's not cool.
Who would be cool with that? That's homicide.
Hey, if it makes you feel any better.
We have a new suspect.
Really? Who is it? All right, spoiler alert.
Lee Banting, zoo director.
Dude, you were totally right about zoos.
The animals spoke to me, man.
A depressed lemur told me about an insurance policy that Banting took out on the bear.
I looked into that.
They only get money if the bear dies accidentally.
They don't get anything if the bear is euthanized for killing someone.
That's a pretty big buzz kill.
It's the only theory we really had.
This is so ironic.
I mean, all these people are afraid of this amazing creature, and look at it, it's relying on you and I to save it, Shawn.
We failed her, Gus.
Take that collar off of her.
If she's going to die, then let her leave this world the way she came in.
What? It's not a regular collar, man.
Look at it.
It's a heart monitor.
See, she's got a slight heart murmur.
They like to monitor her vital signs at all times.
Whoa, where, where, where do these results go? They're transmitted wirelessly to some nearby computer.
Probably it's right here at the zoo.
I think I know a way to save this bear.
We need to get that info, get to the person who can grant us a stay of execution.
All right, Shawn, this is Cody Blair, Ventura County Director of Animal Control.
Look, you better have something substantial for him.
He's traveled a long way for this.
Thank you for coming, Mr.
Please, sir, let me start by saying this is a huge honor for me.
Cut the crap, son.
I understand you're asking for a stay of execution, as you put it, for a polar bear? This is highly unorthodox.
I can assure you, you will not feel that way after I prove to you that this bear did not kill its trainer.
You can enter that onto the record.
Spencer, this isn't a courtroom, there are no records.
Permission to treat this man as a hostile witness? No.
Quick sidebar? Absolutely not.
Should we poll the jury? Negative.
May I try on your robe, Judge? If you'll excuse me.
Oh, wait, wait, I have testimony from a key witness in the form of video footage if you would just indulge me for a few more moments.
This footage, actually courtesy of Miss Lauren Lassiter.
You're helping him now? Here we go.
Oh, no, no, I'm absolutely sure, though the results were previously inconclusive, I can now establish time of the death of the trainer to be between Why is this relevant? I'm so glad that you asked.
I would like to present these papers as exhibit "A.
" No exhibits here.
Stop saying that! What are they? Those are EKG readouts of the bear's vitals.
What do they say, Mr.
Spencer? I couldn't tell you, sir.
A bunch of squiggly lines to me, but I have an expert witness.
I present Gus J.
What makes him an expert? I work in the medical field.
You're a doctor? I go to Gus J.
For all my medical needs and procedures.
He removed both of my appendixes.
Now, tell us what the results are from the hours of 11:30 p.
to 3:30 a.
on the night of the murder.
It is a sleeping heart rate.
What? Inactive? You mean, it is not the heart rate of a mammal murdering its lifelong caretaker? Not unless that mammal was sleepwalking, no.
Well, in that case, the defense rests.
Ooh! Literally.
I am exhausted.
Should we all nap? Lauren? Well, Mr.
Spencer, I am inclined to grant you your stay of execution.
Look Now, I'm saying it.
Let's be very clear, if you don't come up with concrete evidence of another suspect within 12 hours, I will proceed with the euthanization of this bear.
We did it.
So strong.
So, I come over here to the evidence cage Hello, Franklin.
I take out one of these, an E.
, Evidence Requisition Form.
Not the blue one, the beige one.
The blue one's for out of state process I'm sorry, cut.
Cut? You can't say cut.
This is happening now.
This is real life.
Come on.
Let's do it again.
You have to admit this is a bit dry.
Dry? I'm sorry I didn't realize you were directing me now.
Do you always discount a lead because you didn't come up with it? What are you talking about? I mean, look at Shawn and Gus.
Maybe their methods are odd, perhaps even disturbing, but they're not about objects and papers.
They're about people and emotions.
And right now, they are at the trainer's house probably sensing something and you just dismiss it.
There you go.
Maybe this is a little drier than you thought it was going to be, and maybe my life isn't as exciting, but I can solve this case.
Everything I need to do it is right here in this box.
The box.
I know what you're looking for.
I know what you need.
I'm going to give it to you.
You need action and you need movement.
Watch this.
I take the box, I go back to my desk where I meticulously go through every piece of evidence we have, every fiber, every fingerprint, every photograph, everything collected from the trash, and then I will find the answer.
If I don't find the answer, I'll look again because the answer is always in the box.
Got it.
Nothing like this ever happens around here.
Not on this block anyway.
There has never been a murder.
I have a question.
When you first moved to the neighborhood, were you harassed a lot on account of being so famous? What? Oh, you're not Seth Rogen? I'm sorry.
Do you know of anyone who might have had it out for him? Gosh, I didn't know him all that well.
I don't think he had any enemies.
Well, this is a bit of a reach, but did you know he had a fiancée? Sure, we met her at the crime scene.
Yeah, well, I don't want to speak out of turn or be un-neighborly, but our houses are kind of close together, and I would hear them argue.
Well, who doesn't argue? Me.
I have a policy.
I never go to bed angry.
It got heated.
How heated? Pretty heated.
Especially the night of his death.
The cops asked me but I didn't want to make trouble for anyone, so.
It's time to make trouble, sloppy trouble.
I don't know.
It was something like, "When are you going to end it with her?" "Do you know how much this embarrasses me?" Stuff like that.
I I think he was having an affair.
Did you ever see the woman come out of the house or I.
a car? He loved that bear.
He devoted his whole life to it.
Lauren, I think you should probably get some B-roll.
There isn't a single picture of the fiancée in the trainer's house.
Don't you find that a little bit odd? Mmm-hmm.
He was definitely having an affair, but the woman was very, very large and very, very heavy.
He was a chubby chaser? What? Seriously? The other woman was the polar bear.
If the fiancée was jealous of the bear, she knew he was never going to give the bear up for her.
The night "it got heated.
" We need to get to that fiancée's house.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno.
Goodbye, Seth.
What do you do when this happens? Well, the goal is to get buzzed in, right? So I've been known to use the pizza delivery routine.
Gus has had much more success with Strippergrams.
His stage name is Original G-string, a.
Crowd Pleasah.
You're up, String, do your thing.
Come on, smack it.
I'm not smacking anything, Shawn.
Will you flip it? Will you stop it? I don't know, man, you better You better rub it down or something.
You've got an audience.
Well, Lulu, this is what we in the business like to call a collar.
Beat you to it, boys.
Carlton collared her.
I didn't see that coming.
You know a lesser cop might have looked a shredded shirt found in the trash in the trainer's house with traces of blood on it and thought, "No big deal.
" The guy probably just cut himself shaving and threw it out.
But I'm not your average cop.
Are you sniffing my sister? See, I looked at the label on the shirt.
It wasn't his, it was hers.
I sent it out, had the blood analyzed and lo and behold, direct match to our victim's blood type.
Sure it is.
But what's even more impressive, is getting the confession out of her.
Have you ever seen a murderer crumble? No, but I have seen many a cookie do that very thing.
After all, it is their way.
You fought with your intended the night of his death, didn't you, Miss Kraemer? We argued, yes.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I think you killed your fiance Fiance Fia I'm going to be honest with you, I think you murdered your lover.
Lover? Ooh.
I know.
You don't have to tell me.
I can do it better.
Just start over again.
Let me know when I'm out of frame, okay? Am I good here? O'Hara, what are you doing in here? I'm not sure.
Okay, start again.
Ready and You killed the trainer, then you dragged his body into the car and disposed of it in the polar bear habitat.
Then you hastily returned to that scene of the crime and disposed of that shirt.
But you didn't notice the traces of blood on it, did you? Well, I did.
What is he trying to do? Kiss her? She dragged him? That small person dragged somebody? No way.
Uh, question from the viewing room, Miss Kraemer, what is your blood type? "O" Negative.
And what is the blood type of the victim? "O" Negative.
Oh, is it? Lassie, isn't it possible that the blood on Miss Kraemer's shirt is her own? Okay, you know what, Spencer, I know what you're trying to do.
I am going to send that shirt out, have the DNA analyzed and prove that it was the trainer's blood.
You're making faces at me right now, aren't you? No need for that.
Miss Kraemer, do you garden by any chance? I do roses at the house.
That sounds nice.
Would you be so kind as to roll up your right sleeve please? Ooh, look at that.
Lassie, if you line up the sleeve with Miss Kraemer's arm, I think you will find that the blood spots match perfectly.
It's okay, Lassie.
You've got your box of toys in here.
You can try again.
Maybe you want to pin the murder on this stapler here.
Can you just stop? Now, Lauren, please remember, if anyone ever makes a movie out of your documentary, I would like to be played by Cillian Murphy.
Because it's unexpected.
It's odd.
People will talk.
Obviously, Stoney Jackson will play Gus.
Fyvush Finkel will play my father.
Now, he's probably going to want to do a lisp, but that actually feels right to me.
What are you doing? I'm erasing all the footage of my brother in the interrogation room.
It's just embarrassing.
What? No.
Oh, look how adorable Lassie is at that size.
He's tiny.
I just want to pick him up, just pick him up and put him in my breast pocket.
Lassie on your breast.
Right on my breast.
Just keep him right here.
I don't know what happened in there.
This is not the Carlton that I know.
Ever since I was a kid, I always looked up to him, he was like this mythical figure.
But watching him through my lens, and seeing you guys one up him, I realized he isn't mythical at all, is he? He's just foolish.
Well, I mean, he's not He's not always.
Whoa, whoa, stop right there, Lauren.
Will you excuse us for a second? Gus, come with me! I'll be there in a second.
No, no, no, I need you now.
I said I'll be there in a second.
I just had a breakthrough.
Just give me a few minutes.
Are you out of your mind? Can I have a few seconds alone? They're out of the same womb.
I don't care! Just what I thought.
Thank you Hey.
Uh, for being here for me.
You're very kind.
Of course.
Of course.
I feel better already.
That's what I'm here for.
You You're a great guy.
Thank you.
Are you dating anyone? Lauren? Good news.
I just had a major psychic vibe.
Gather everyone including your brother.
We're going to the real scene of the crime.
I'm getting something very strong.
Right here.
Yes, right in here.
Right along here.
This fence was moved.
I'm also getting Judy Sheindlin.
It was a case, small, and then Everything gets fuzzy.
A case, Judge Judy.
I'm sorry.
Line, please.
What the hell's wrong with him? It's hard to remember your lines.
Nobody has any lines.
What? Nobody's on book? Lauren? I'm sorry, you guys, this never happens to me.
I swear.
All right, fence, what do we know? Fence, case.
There was a case, the fence was part of the case.
No one remembers this? Holy crap.
I know exactly what happened here.
I solved this.
You did? Yeah, it's all in the evidence.
I'll take it from here, Spencer.
Thanks, Lassie.
I don't Thank you, buddy.
Okay, just Ready? Say what you will about animals.
They're filthy, they're inferior to man, but the one thing they have over the humans species, animals are not petty.
Humans, on the other hand, oh, we just can't help ourselves.
This whole case came down to a good old fashioned dispute between two neighbors.
A small claims case was filed against Jasper Zane by you, Ritch Renaud.
This way.
It was the top document of my neatly stacked box of evidence.
I must have put it there subconsciously.
Let me tell you what happened here, Ritch.
You sued your neighbor over your property line divided by this fence which used to be here.
And you moved it here.
You murdered your neighbor over two feet.
You were at war with each other.
Like Belushi and Aykroyd.
In Trading Places.
I gave it a shot.
Know the feeling.
You argued that night, didn't you? Things got heated, out of control.
You choked him.
With your opposable thumbs.
Unnecessary detail.
You didn't mean to kill him.
It was an accident.
But suddenly you had to cover it up, so you drove his body to the zoo.
You dumped it in the pit.
And you tried to pin it on the polar bar.
You, sir, disgust me.
And you're the worst neighbor in America.
Detective O'Hara, would you like to do the honors? Okay.
Uh Oh.
Oh, for god sakes, forget it.
Very impressive, Detective Lassiter.
Call me Carlton.
I will.
I was just doing a bit.
Yeah, I know what a bit is.
Lassie, thanks for having my back, man.
Oh, hey, no worries.
You would have gotten there eventually.
And I want to give you credit for realizing it's not just about solving crimes.
I mean, these kind of speeches, they require a certain sort of delivery and gravitas that you may just not be capable of.
This is for a movie after all.
He did good, didn't he? He did okay.
Oh, come on.
He's got his own certain kind of charm.
No, he really doesn't.
I think he found something out there.
I didn't see it.
That's probably because you were busy looking at his sister.
You know, that's right.
What? You know what? Um, maybe if you just don't tell me that it's That the camera's on then, then maybe we can do this.
How long have we been friends? Oh, wow.
Since we were babies.
When were we not? We pooped together.
Well Next to each other.
Shawn will go bald.
It's genetics.
He doesn't realize it now, but it's going to happen.
I just pray that I'm alive to see it.
It's almost like there's a Vulcan, we can finish each other's sentences.
For example, as soon as we're done here, we're going to jump in the Blueberry and Right.
How can you say I didn't pay any attention to you as a kid? That's ridiculous.
What other high school boy would stay up reading to their little sister? Uh, you read me my Miranda rights.
I set it up, as soon as we're done here, we're going to jump That's where you're going to leave off with it.
Scratch this.
Forget that.
It's off? It's on, isn't it? I can see the red light.
It's on.
Yeah, I don't know where Gus and I will be in 50 years, but Maybe in space.
If man never figures out how to travel that far.
Man does travel in space.
He's a sweet kid.
I think I'll keep him.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know I know, you know I know, you know