Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Neil Simon's Lover's Retreat

No.
No.
That is unacceptable.
We had a deal.
Does that not mean anything to anybody anymore? What, you're, "Yes," not "Yes" and you're, "No," not "No?" I mean, if this doesn't go through, I'm screwed.
I'm screwed.
I've got a mortgage, I have a baby.
Come on.
Jeez.
Let me call you back.
Let me call you back.
You all right? Better than you, Beamer.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now this situation is all wrong.
Oh, come on.
Trust me, I'm doing these glasses a favor.
Taking the lady to a spa weekend.
What? That's big time, son.
He wouldn't even tell me how much it costs.
That's because it's not about money, Jules.
It's about giving you the vacation you so richly deserve.
And spending an absurd amount of money to do it.
You are growing up right in front of my eyes.
Come on, Gus, you knew this day would come.
Yeah.
Bye, Gus.
Okay.
Be sure you water my plants thrice daily but do not talk to them because once they get started they will not stop.
Especially Jim.
Jim is the "ficus"? He is indeed.
Got it.
What? I need to tell you something.
Read my thoughts.
I don't know how to do that.
Yes, you do.
Ready? Fine.
Waffles.
My God, it's crazy.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
That was just a test.
Okay.
Okay, here it is.
Ready? It's still waffles.
Damn it! One more time.
Why are you gazing into each other's eyes? We're not doing that.
It's just a routine forehead check reciprocated.
Listen, Shawn, I know you're nervous about this weekend, but don't worry.
You're ready for this.
Now go and have some fun, you big spender! What? Come on, son.
Come on.
I'm going to call you, okay? So keep your phone on.
Oh, yeah.
Think you can survive for two days without each other? Of course.
Look, Jules, I know that you have very definite expectations for this weekend.
What do you mean? Well, you sent me an e-mail on the fifth saying, "Shawn, I have very definite expectations for this weekend.
" Right.
To which you responded, "Slumber party.
Nudey times.
Drinky, drinky.
" That's my "out of office" reply.
Look, I just think this trip is important for us.
It's our first time out of the SBPD bubble and we'll see how we really are as a couple.
Mmm.
It is an opportunity for us to take our relationship to the next step in a mature way.
I'm very excited.
Me too.
Now let's go have fun.
Don't worry about me.
I have an epic weekend planned.
It's going to be off the Hook.
Oh, hello, Guster.
I didn't know you shopped here.
I had coupons.
Yes, they do have some good bargains.
I loaded up on an armful of 40-watts.
That's a lot of light bulbs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm set.
Good Lord, you're not actually buying scented candles, are you? How else am I supposed to freshen up my place? Well, do what I do.
You put your laundry basket outside and blast the place with Right Guard.
Your girlfriend's going to wish she stayed in prison.
Don't you usually see her on Saturdays? Yeah, but she got thrown into solitary for "dry gulching" a home girl on the chow line.
She sure hates "cutsies.
" Shawn and I usually play "Skeeball" and make crank calls all night.
That's you who keeps calling me? No.
What the Henry, what are you doing here? Buy one full price, get one free.
That's what I call value.
Oh, so you're the one who took all the light bulbs, huh? You two shop together often? What? Please.
Come on, man.
No.
So, you and your shirts got a big weekend planned? If by "big weekend" you mean watching the Mannix marathon, then yes, we do.
Yeah, we got nothing to do either.
Speak for yourself, I have plans.
In fact, I'm going to a new spot tonight.
It's supposed to be slamming.
Packed to the rafters with biddies.
Ladies.
Oh.
Personally, I'm looking forward to a nice, quiet weekend at home, alone.
Yeah, solitude.
Good for the soul.
Good for you.
Packed to the rafters? Man! Excellent.
Now I'll just need to see a photo I.
D.
, Mr.
Guster.
Certainly.
Enjoy your stay.
I am sure we will.
Oh, and, uh, it's all you.
Shawn.
Yes.
The hotel can arrange for a hot air balloon tour.
I would love to do that.
I think it would also be romantic if we took naps in those large pool floaties that look like Shamu.
Shawn.
I know this isn't your thing, but it makes me so happy that you're here.
And look, we did it! The two of us, on vacation.
Along with all of these other people, unfortunately.
We're going to have fun, relax, and most importantly, no work.
For two whole days, I am not a cop and you are not a psychic.
Come on.
You know I can't just turn it off like that.
Okay.
But just none of this.
I believe this is going to work out just fine, sugar-plum.
Let's go a-hunting.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end Look, Gus, this is my fifth message.
I'm all out of aliases.
It's Shawn! I need to talk to you.
Call me back "immediamente!" Here you are, sir.
Gracias.
That just makes me feel so old.
Oh, Shawn, this is Barbie and Clive Noble.
They just arrived today as well.
Did they? I saw Juliet's earrings and I said, "Now there is a beautiful woman with impeccable taste.
" We're going to get along just fine.
Oh, my God, look at that rock.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
We stole your chaise, Shawn.
Oh, no, no, it's fine.
We can share mine.
I did say, "Seat saved"? Do you not remember me saying, "Seat saved"? No, I don't.
Why are you inviting strangers into our vacation? Because that is what adult couples do.
They make vacation friends.
Why do we need new friends? I have Gus.
No.
You have whoever your friends are.
Shawn, you're embarrassing me.
Oh.
So, uh, Barbie, here, is from Kentucky and she met Clive in Seattle and they have been married for five years.
Wow.
That's so much information.
How long was I at the juice bar? So, uh, what do you do, Shawn? Professional water skier.
Who works for the city of Santa Barbara, as do I.
Y'all both water ski for the city of Santa Barbara? Oh, baby, my temples.
My temples.
Oh, sorry, honey.
Oh.
Oh.
How's that? Oh.
Right there.
So, um, is there a lot of money in competitive aquatics, Shawn? It's good benefits.
Decent Christmas party.
You know, we do okay.
Well, I bet.
This place is pricey.
Nothing's too good for my Barbie.
Oh, baby, what do I do to deserve you? Besides totally deserving me.
I do.
Ooh, I love you so much, baby.
I love you.
I hate them.
Well, Shawn, the Nobles and I were talking about grabbing dinner together.
Great.
You should all enjoy yourselves.
All of us.
Together.
Uh, no thanks.
We'd love to.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Excellent.
All right.
All right, let's get those sticky buns in my bath.
Oh.
Come on.
Come on.
Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
What are you doing? See ya.
What's your damage, Spencer? What is my damage? I'm gone five minutes and all of a sudden we're swingers? What is this, The Ice Storm? Who are those people? They're just people.
Oh, that's the worst kind.
We don't know them.
Something is off.
Plus, we don't know them.
And we'll have to talk to them.
It's called being an adult, Shawn.
You should try it sometime.
I'm wearing a man's robe.
What did I tell you? "Biddies" by the bushel.
Ooh, I'm about to put in some work.
I'll tell you, if I wanted a serious and meaningful relationship, I could be doing all sorts of damage up in this "hizzy.
" Am I saying that right, "hizzy"? What are you guys saying? Lassie, you only think you got game because you got a lady.
Oh, no, no, I got a lady because I got game.
Please.
You wouldn't be able to get any kind of play inside this room.
I can get more play than you, player.
I mean, don't get me wrong, Guster.
You have a certain sort of charm about you, but I'm a classic.
I never go out of style.
I'm like pleated pants.
Really? Care to make this interesting? Wait, wait, what's going on? I can't hear squat.
We're talking about a little gentleman's wager over who can strike first with the ladies.
Great.
I want in.
I don't think so.
Hey, listen, I'm as young on the inside as these kids are on the outside.
Yeah, but when you were that young on the outside, this was all farm land.
Ha! Hey, you want to put it to the test? How about this? First one to pull some digits on one of these hotties wins.
Losers bring barbeque to my house on Sunday.
Oh, it is so on.
Yeah, it is.
Safety is off! Let's go! Try this little slice of heaven.
Oh, oh.
It's key.
It's key.
It's key lime.
Yeah.
Well, don't they make a lovely couple, Jules? What? Two men can't share dessert? And then go dancing? Like gentlemen.
Hey, if the rhythm's right, let the music take you away, my friend.
Amen.
I was wrong.
These two are awesome.
So, how did you two meet? Oh, my God, this is the best story.
All right, so I used to eat at this funky little sports bar where the napkins were made of, you know, real suede From DePalma Vineyards.
A light aroma of pear and citrus with a delicate hint of gouda.
Yeah, well, soon you'll be seeing my face on every box of that Jesus juice.
Have you seen the commercial for my latest line of classy boxed wines? We got "Houston Ray red, "Houston Ray white, "Houston Ray rosé is clean out of sight!" There's a guy who found a look and ran with it.
Yeah.
Nice watch.
Omega Speedmaster Special Edition.
Astronauts wore those on the moon.
About a hundred grand retail.
I keep my expensive watch in the hotel safe.
I'm never on time, but I feel so much more secure.
And we were married three weeks later.
What? Yeah.
You guys got married after three weeks? Hey, when you know, you know.
We have a very simple life philosophy.
We trust our instincts.
If we feel like it, we do it.
And then we usually have to call the fire department.
Baby, you look ravishing this evening.
Mmm.
Oh, baby.
All your facial parts are in the right spots.
Thanks, Shawn.
What do you say, tennis in the morning? Well, now you're talking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let's say 10:00 a.
m.
A little breakfast first, right? Oh, God, baby.
It's happening.
Oh, no, what's wrong? Um, she gets migraines, horrible.
Horrible migraines.
Yeah, the room starts spinning.
Down is up, up is down.
Left is always left though.
Left is left.
Yeah.
It's odd.
You know what? Let us pick this up, okay? Oh, no, no, no, we couldn't.
Oh.
No, no, it's fine.
You guys can get us back tomorrow morning at breakfast.
They have got sweet rolls as big as your face.
We'll share one.
Because you know we like to share things, Clive and I.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Take her out to the veranda for a drink.
You'll thank me.
Okay, come on, darling, let's go.
You ready? Okay.
Oh, we are just party poopers.
I'm sorry.
Take it easy.
Easy.
Easy.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Feel better.
I hope she's okay.
Oh.
And now, shall we away to the veranda, m'lady? My girlfriend's in prison.
Hello.
Mind if I freshen that up for you? Sure, baby.
Thanks.
No prob $12.
Hey, can you call my cell phone and see if it's working? I mean, you know, when you're done with your call.
That's cool.
I can wait.
But don't you need my number? Hey, does anybody have a phone they can call my Phone with? Any luck? I'm still shopping.
I'm not going to just give it away.
I hear that.
What? It's legit.
I don't believe it.
Who? Hey, doll.
Her name is Chelsea.
Now for that barbeque.
I like beef ribs, but they don't like me.
Corn on the cob gets under my dental work, so creamed corn is an acceptable substitute.
And bring something green, I need the fiber.
The veranda is so romantic.
I wish somebody told me a long time ago that being an adult means hanging out with awesome people and making fun of other people.
Barbie and Clive are such a nice addition to our vacation.
I'm so glad we did this.
Me too.
I'm very fond of you.
Me too, you.
It's awfully dark in here.
Yeah.
We were robbed.
Stop saying the resort is sorry for our loss.
The resort is a building.
Unless it is Monster House or the Overlook Hotel, I am not impressed, neither is my lady friend! As I've told you, repeatedly, we'll contact you if your items turn up.
Stop saying "if" they turn up.
Norm, please read me the list I gave you last night.
I want to make sure you have it all.
Uh, one pound cake partially eaten.
Yes.
One inflatable Shamu pool floatie.
That's correct.
One Capital One credit card belonging to a Burton Guster.
Which I have, for some bizarre reason.
Continue.
One Nintendo D.
S.
Why would you bring a video game on an adult's vacation? Because it's awesome and I am in love with it and now several hours have passed and it could be anywhere in the world.
Have you contacted Interpol? Sir, we, the staff, not the building, apologize.
Unfortunately, there were several thefts last night and we're slightly overwhelmed.
Several? Where are the local authorities? It's a small department with limited resources.
Feel free to take your bathrobes with you as our gift, a $200 value.
Dude, like we weren't going to take those anyway! Um, I don't understand why you're so upset.
Because I was really connected to that D.
S.
, Jules.
And I get emotional on vacation and now, to top it all off, we're going to be late for tennis with Barbie and Clive.
They'll understand.
We were robbed.
Let us pick this up, okay? Oh, no.
You guys can get us back tomorrow morning at breakfast.
I've got to call them.
I've got to warn them about the lax security here.
Hold onto your pound cakes, everybody! Free for all in here.
Shawn.
Hello.
Who is calling? Clive's doing a bit.
It's so funny.
Jawohl, und Schnitzel, Das Boot, Bürgermeister Hasselhoffen? We haven't found your things yet.
I need Clive Noble's room, please.
There's no one by that name registered at the resort.
The tennis is off.
All right, beef ribs and beef ribs.
And more beef ribs.
Are you kidding? Neither of you thought to bring a vegetable? This is a man's weekend, not a ladies' Rotary Club luncheon.
You know? Hello? Hi, this is Capital One Fraud alert.
There's some suspicious activity on your card in the Ojai area.
Fraud.
Ojai.
Damn it, Shawn.
So, Spencer, did you call that little señorita you met last night? Are you kidding? She's a couple of decades out of my comfort zone.
I just did it to prove a point that I'm still vibrant and alive and I can still reel them in.
Henry Spencer, master caster.
Hey! Hey.
I waited all morning for you to call me but I got bored.
So I did a reverse search on the Internet and Hey! Hey! I'm so glad I'm in a relationship.
Whoo! Cheers.
Yeah, this is going to be awesome.
Awesome.
Shawn, calm down.
How about you calm down, huh? How about you calm down? You know what the worst part is, Jules? They just pretended to like us so that they could rob us blind.
She had you eating out of the palm of her hand with that little phony proposal story.
What about you and Clive? You were feeding each other cake! Okay, so I admit I was seduced by delicious flavor.
I am just a man, Jules.
Look, I forbid you to investigate.
We are on vacation.
Just let the local authorities do what they do.
Which is what exactly, Jules? They wear Bermuda shorts! Oh, my God.
That's my Nintendo.
Shawn.
Give me that.
Really? I'm sorry, little man.
Enjoy your stay.
Hey, don't run! There's no Do you read the signs? You're acting like a child, Shawn.
I am not acting! Well, it is about time.
Shawn, this is the fourth vacation you've paid for on my credit card.
How are my plants? It's bad enough you used my company card to pay for your suite but now you're traipsing around doing wine tastings? It wasn't us, okay? Our room got robbed.
Somebody took my credit card? Where are the charges from? Sutton House Winery and Deep Valley Vineyards.
I can't believe this, they took a wine tour.
Who? We know the people who stole it, okay? And I also still need to talk to you about what is essentially a life or death situation, but since you took a year to call me back, guess what, I have to go now! Do not hang up on Jules, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to fly off the handle like that.
You're right.
I think hotel security can handle this.
We can always buy new stuff, but you know what is irreplaceable? A lovers' retreat.
Mmm.
What do you say we do something romantic? Ooh, balloon tour? God no.
How about we go wine tasting? Yeah.
Mmm.
Mmm! These are the best ribs I have ever eaten.
My God, I'm a mess.
Ma'am, cancel the card immediately.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Is that her second slab? I have never seen a woman eat ribs like that in my life.
Except in cave man drawings.
Look, Chels, here's the thing.
Mmm-hmm.
I think you're an amazing girl.
Yeah, you do.
But don't you think I'm a little old for you? No.
I like older men, especially the balding, virile type, you know? Terry Bradshaw, Sean Connery.
Ooh, Dick Cheney.
Okey doke.
Wow.
Okay, um, Chelsea, it was a pleasure meeting you, but I need to head to Ojai and kill my best friend in the world.
Mmm.
Mmm.
And I need to help him bury the body.
Ooh, babe, can you get me another puller? Ah! Guys, two things.
First, what's a puller? Second, please don't leave.
Oh, you know, as much as I hate to leave the "Uncomfortable Henry Show," I'm Guster's ride.
You kids have fun.
Oh, wow, looks like the party's over a little early, huh? Look, why don't I pack you up some potato salad to go and, uh Ooh! Don't be silly, muffin, we going rollerblading, yo, holler! Who the hell goes rollerblading with seven pounds of ribs in them? Chelsea do, that's who! Wait! What is wrong with you? You're an idiot.
For over a century, my family name has been synonymous with this region.
DePalma, it's about quality and tradition.
We've never changed, and we never will.
I can't wait until my son, Gian Carlo, carries on the DePalma name with the same pride that I do.
Enjoy.
Look, I was robbed, okay? And I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now.
Do you get that? If you were in my shoes right now, you would Oh, hey, man, sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt your call.
Please.
If only that was the worst thing that happened to me this weekend.
Well, what do you mean by that? Uh, let me see.
I was robbed.
Some punk couple fakes an accident on Route 33, and when I'm dumb enough to check on them because I'm a Good Samaritan, what do they do? They rob me.
What did they look like? Of course, like models.
They took my car keys, eyeglasses, phone, pretty much everything but my sunglasses.
I had to walk five miles.
First it was cloudy, then it was blazing hot That explains your face.
Is it obvious? It looks like Spam.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
Check it out, man, I think we got robbed by the same couple.
What? You see, I'm a psychic man and my senses led me to that punk couple in this very spot.
I knew you were investigating.
Shawn, this is our vacation.
I don't get to do this very often.
"Houston Ray white, "Houston Ray rosé is clean out of sight!" Houston, we have a problem.
Vacation's over.
Excuse me.
O'Hara.
What are you guys doing here? Well, I thought you could use some help from a detective not dressed as a cub scout.
I came to get my credit card back.
I'm having some lady troubles.
It's a long story.
Excuse me.
It's not funny.
Gus! Boom.
A paper trail of deceit.
Look, I was a victim here, too, man.
Shawn, you robbed me.
As far as I'm concerned, you're no different than the thieves who robbed you of the thing you robbed.
Wow.
Boy that hurts, Gus.
You know why? Because when I realized your card was gone I was sick to my stomach.
Yet, you still managed to order pay-per-view and surf-and-turf for two to the room.
Yes.
To mask the pain that was running deep.
And every bite of delicious lobster was a buttery reminder of your face.
The local cops found a spent round on the floor.
It's a.
38 Special.
Now that is a classic.
Go-to munitions for cops and soldiers since WWI.
Typically used in revolvers, but no stranger to semi-autos.
I'm sensing Houston was killed with his own gun.
Any sense who might have done it? Nice watch.
Omega Speedmaster Special.
About a hundred K retail.
Clive and Barbie.
Who the hell are Clive and Barbie? Clive and Barbie are cold-blooded murderers who lie and make tennis dates they have no intention of keeping.
And they have my Nintendo.
All right, well, O'Hara and I will stay here and help the Barney Fife brigade comb this place for clues.
You guys all head back to the hotel.
Why the face? Uh, well, Shawn and I were hoping to work on this one together.
Why? Well, it's our romantic weekend away.
We'll take any alone time we can get.
Fine.
You two stay here and do whatever police work you feel enhances your sense of romance.
The rest of us will head back to the hotel, happy? - Elated.
- I'm so glad.
All right.
All right.
So what's our next move? Uh I have an idea.
I wouldn't do that, Clive.
Guys! Hey.
Barbie and I were just saying that we should hang out again.
Maybe go for a hike? Hi, Jules.
Oh, my God, I love those shoes.
Hot air balloons.
How many ways can we think of to kill ourselves? Man, you gave Chelsea the slip in a big way.
That was cold.
I didn't give anybody the slip.
Yes, you did.
I did not.
I followed up with Chelsea, I apologized for leaving so abruptly and simply informed her that I was coming up here to spend some time with my son.
You see, my generation embraced the long-forgotten value called respect.
Let's just hope she got the text.
You never, ever tell a crazy woman where you are.
She's not crazy.
Yes, she is.
No, she's needy and I respect the difference.
That chick is bonkers! Oh, yeah.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! I know you, right? I'm Gus.
So, where's Daddy? I don't know.
I haven't seen him in a while.
Hey, Pop-Pop.
Man, there are some cuties up in here.
Look at that.
So how'd you find us? I'm a psychic.
Right.
And I actually paid for dinner.
Seriously, how'd you find us? We saw that the credit card was declined a half mile away and we put it together.
So, y'all are cops? That is sexy.
Huh.
Normally civil servants can't afford the places we hit.
Okay, enough, it's confession time.
Where is my Nintendo? Seriously? Dude, I think we pitched that.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Now I feel bad.
Oh, baby.
You guys lied to us! You made us believe that you really liked us as people.
And they killed someone.
Come again? Oh, that's true also, but it's the lying.
It's the lying that's really hurtful.
Well, of all the people we've robbed, we like you guys the best.
That's true.
She went on and on about it the whole time we were riffling through your stuff, but we didn't kill anyone.
No.
Sure you didn't.
Why are you wearing a dead man's watch? Look, we broke into his room, we took his watch and a briefcase full of legal documents but that's it.
That's right.
We are dirty thieves, but we are basically nice people and we are totally against animal cruelty.
And illegal downloading.
Piracy makes me sick.
Wait a minute That's not the gun that killed Houston Ray.
That's a fake.
It's a prop.
We stole it from a movie we were working on.
Yeah.
You guys worked on a movie? Yeah.
As extras.
The Wild Stallion.
The Wild Stallion with Connie Sellecca? Oh, she is a total pro.
No attitude.
She is all about the work.
You guys are horrible people but you're so cool.
Shawn, you got to believe me.
Do you really think we'd kill a guy for his watch and keep robbing highways just a few miles away? What's the time of death on Houston Ray? Uh, local coroner said 1:00 p.
m.
Why? Okay, um, where's the last place you tried to use the card? Uh, Target, but it was declined.
Oh, so embarrassing.
We're the real victims here.
I love you, baby.
So who killed the Texan? Our house red is from DePalma Vineyards.
Soon you'll see my face on every box of that Jesus juice.
DePalma, it's about tradition.
We've never changed, and we never will.
We have to go wine tasting again.
You told the police you'd never seen the guy found dead here, today.
Well, lots of people visit my winery.
I mean, he's not the first person to die during a tasting, you know.
Often people are shot in the gut and dumped in a barrel.
No, that was new.
Huh.
Tell you what I think.
I think you knew the Texan.
The vineyard's struggling, he comes in here, wants to buy you out, but you would rather liquidate than turn your family business over to a wine box mogul, so when he wouldn't take no for an answer, you liquidated him.
You couldn't have been more wrong.
Damn it! Look.
I'll break it down.
I hate the wine business.
I hate Ojai and I hate my family.
What? Even your son Gian Carlo? I don't have a son and if I did, I'd hate him, too.
That's just a spiel that I give in the winery during the tours.
It's all malarkey.
My name's not even DePalma.
It's Goldberg.
Gunner Goldberg.
I mean, would you buy wine from Goldberg Vineyards? Maybe a spritzer.
That Texan was my ticket out.
He could have put a picture of his ass on the box for all I care.
That I'd buy.
Curiosity.
I was so desperate to unload, I almost accepted a lowball offer from this other schmuck.
But the guy, I mean, he's leveraged to the hilt, money from all sorts of illegal sources.
And who's that? A real sad sack.
Listen to me, I am dealing with a lot of crap right now.
A lot of crap.
Sad sack.
Is his name Jerry? Yeah.
All right, this is Jerry Kincaid's room.
Housekeeping! Looks like nobody's home.
All right, guys, look, we got to keep moving.
Chelsea could be anywhere.
This room is sweet.
It has its own steam room.
You can go.
You could have just asked me to open the door, you know? Instead of pulling your gun on me.
I'm sorry.
It was a force of habit.
Jerk.
That's fair.
Guys? Drop the gun, Detective.
Or I swear I will shoot everybody in their stupid faces! Worst gentlemen's weekend ever.
Thanks.
It's not like Lassiter to not answer his phone.
This is all you.
So, Jerry wanted to buy the winery but Houston swooped in and he was taking the deal away.
Jerry just doesn't seem like the killer type.
Well, as we've learned this weekend, Jules, people are not always what they seem to be.
Except on reality TV.
We are all the real housewives of somewhere.
What is it you want? Jerry confronts Houston, the Texan laughs, all Texan-like.
So Jerry loses his schlitz.
That's a thing, right? Pretty sure it's a malt liquor.
So clearly there was a struggle.
Jerry ends up with the Texan's gun.
Calm down! And without thinking he shoots him.
Maybe he was thinking.
At this point, it's immaterial.
Shawn, the steam room.
Jules, come on.
We have a situation here.
It's not the time to steam it out.
Shawn, the steam room! You are a randy little lass.
What are you guys doing in there? Jerry trapped us.
Well, how did he do that? Why doesn't our room have a steam room? Jules, I got the best available room that they had.
With my credit card.
Come on, Jerry got a head start.
Let's go! Hey! Henry! Henry! Henry! Squinty guy, sunburned, real sad sack.
Oh, yeah, I saw the guy you're talking about.
He left about 10 minutes ago in a silver Sedan.
How are we supposed to catch him now? I'll catch him.
Carlton, there are five different ways out of here.
You'll just be guessing.
Move, move, move, move! Maybe not! Follow me to the activities desk! That chick is a freak! Get over! Get over! Ah! Would you settle? I think after this weekend, I can go without seeing you guys for a while.
Agreed.
All right, let's get this guy.
Yeah, Spencer? Lassie, I can see you.
We're in the sky.
We commandeered a balloon from the tour desk.
Okay, let's do this.
What do you got? Uh, I don't really know the names per se, but it looks like he's crossing over a bridge.
Cheese anyone? What? Not now, Felipe.
Would you get your elbow out of my face? Oh, oh, he's passing a big red wooden building.
That's Settler's Homestead, home of the first silk factory in central California in 1887.
Crackers? Ooh, apples.
It's Settler's Homestead.
What the hell is that? It's the first silk factory.
It was built in 1887.
Eighteen eighty-what? Well, how is that supposed to help me? Move over.
You move over! Oh, yeah, Lassie, I see you again! You're right behind him.
His route goes the long way.
You can cut him off.
Uh, take the upper road and floor it.
Wait, I take a left? Just turn! Turn! All right, a left! Right here? Wait! Here we go! Whoa! Slice! Slice! Slice what? What do you want me to slice? No.
Not you! Slice of cheese.
Oh, here.
Uh, the orange one.
Mmm.
Move! Move the board! Swap the front! What the hell are you saying? I'm so sorry.
My mouth is full of cheese.
It's much hotter than I was anticipating.
It's jalapeño cheddar.
Spencer, get your head in the game or I'm going to kill you.
He's coming right at you! There he is! - I got you now! - Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! No, no, no, no! Lassiter! Lassie! Lassie! Lassiter! Lassiter! Lassiter! Get out of the vehicle.
And drop that weapon or I will drop you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You got it wrong.
You got it wrong.
This is all a big misunderstanding.
Come on.
Turn around.
Face your vehicle.
Get down on your knees, cross your ankles and put your hands behind your head.
What, do you think I'm a gymnast? That's crazy.
I'm not that flexible.
What are you talking about? Just do it.
God.
Surprisingly good work, Spencer.
We got him.
You see, Jerry was leveraged to the hilt with some pretty tough customers.
When the Texan swooped in to buy the vineyard, Jerry found himself on the hook to investors for a deal he couldn't make.
I will shoot you! Unbelievable.
When faced with the choice Hello? Hello? Huh.
Oh! Oh.
Should we head back now? No, Felipe, I do believe we'd like to take the long way home.
Our adult vacation.
Want to see how long it takes for this grape to hit the ground? Oh, I do.
I really do.
Oh, I hit a house! Try the apple slices! Yeah.
Please stop throwing things.
Sorry, Felipe.
Sorry, Felipe.
Party pooper.
Feli-poop.
Mmm-hmm.
We're really up here.
Yeah, we are.
I am going to kiss you on the mouth.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Nice vacation, huh? It wasn't a disaster.
Got a hot air balloon ride.
Didn't count on the dead Texan in the wine barrel but my fish the first night was delicious.
I let you down, didn't I? No, you didn't.
Oh, I did a little.
I look at Clive and Barbie and they're such a great couple.
Shawn, they're criminals.
Yeah, but they're devoted.
And we're not? No, we are.
We are.
I just Look, Jules, I know you had these definite expectations, right? And that in a perfect world, I'd be a little less like me, you know? A little more mature and open to things like dancing and trips to IKEA and I can do that, you know? And I'm not just saying that because I think I have to.
I want to.
For you.
And for us as tag team champions.
Okay.
I know that you're looking for commitment.
And the "M" word.
And some such.
Oh, you didn't think that when I said definite expectations that I meant No.
No, no, no, no, no, of course not.
That would mean I'm a complete moron.
No, I didn't think that.
Because I just wanted to make sure that we were headed down the right path.
And we are.
I mean, just coming here, this more than meets my current expectations.
I'm not ready to get married.
Are you? Oh, God no.
No.
No.
I mean, it's on my bucket list.
But other than that, uh, hells no.
Thank you for being so much smarter than me.
Hmm? Wow.
I hope you look that good when I'm 140.
You know I will.
I'm sorry, sir.
I'm going to have to dispute the room charges.
I mean, who orders pistachio ice cream at 1:00 a.
M? We found this in one of the dumpsters out back at the resort.
I believe this is one of the items stolen from Mr.
Spencer's room.
I've never seen a grown man so upset over the theft of a toy that wasn't his child's.
We take our handheld entertainment very seriously.
Well, that's your business.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know