Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger

All right, Shawn.
Say a few words.
Let's wrap this up so I can get this dead thing off my kitchen table.
I'm not ready yet.
Shawn, not again.
You left the hamster in the freezer for two months while you hemmed and hawed over the appropriateness of a burial at sea.
Now just say something nice about your lizard before rigor mortis sets in, he bloats, and his arms pop off.
Okay.
Fine.
Lizardy Uh You were found in the yard on a really great day.
You came to this house as my prisoner but You left as my friend.
Shawn.
I can't deal with this right now.
Shawn.
Okay, I'll bury him myself.
You want to explain this? Um Yes, I would like to very much.
But we are so late, Gus.
And these coffee cups are not gonna put themselves away.
You take a trip with the intention of proposing and don't tell me, your oldest and blackest friend? I called you eight times on that trip.
I'm not letting you off on a technicality, Shawn.
Look It's my emergency ring.
That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.
What, are you kidding me? What if the perfect proposal moment presents itself? I gotta be ready.
I mean, what if our faces suddenly pop up on the Jumbotron or I get selected from the audience to feed Shamu at Sea World? I gotta be ready for that.
You're actually ready to be married? No.
Well, someday maybe.
Not anytime soon.
Look, that is It's my grandmother's ring, okay? I can barely look at it.
Now can we please go? We were supposed to be at the museum an hour ago.
That shipment's gonna get there before we do.
Fine.
Thank you.
I'm putting this thing away.
Just know if I ever do pop the question, I want you on one side, Jules on the other, just as a killer whale leaps over our heads to grab a mackerel.
That's storybook right there.
Shawn, this is so embarrassing.
Look, I wouldn't be stuck if it wasn't for your stupid watch.
What the hell is going on here? Nothing! Small, little problem.
Don't be concerned.
He thought he saw a candy bar inside.
There is a Renoir, a Degas, a Van Gogh, and an irreplaceable collection of historical artifacts in this shipment.
Why would there be a Hershey bar in the same container? I know international shipping is quite expensive these days.
In his defense, he thought it was that cool, European candy that tastes like salt.
Ah! Oh.
Ah! What are you doing here anyway? We're always here whenever a valuable shipment comes in.
To sense trouble.
And collect a check.
But mostly sense trouble.
See, I am a psychic, and we are very valuable to this museum complex.
We discovered the dinosaur over at the Natural History Museum.
Do you know who I am? I know you're not the dude that discovered a Tyrannosaurus rex at the Natural History Museum.
That's us.
I am Christopher Holm.
Chris Holm? Chrissy Holm? No? You have any nicknames? I'm the curator of this museum.
And I did not sign off on you or you.
Well, you need to check your facts, Jack, because we are museum heroes.
So you're kind of stuck with us.
Don't check him though.
They got your name wrong on the plaque.
Oh, twice! The first time, they called me Bruton Gaster.
And then they switched it to Brutal Hustler on the new one.
He likes it.
He doesn't want 'em to change it.
Well, I don't mind it.
You can call me Brutal.
Right.
Right.
Well, as of now, you are reassigned.
Okay.
Et tu, Brute.
Tal.
Bru-tal.
Get out of here! Really? We're guarding a wall? It's probably a pretty important wall.
Man, this never would have happened if you had reached for that candy.
How is that any different? 'Cause my arms are way bigger than yours.
Please.
You know what, leave me alone.
Hey, look at that.
Get away from me.
I should probably help her.
Help her do what, run away? I'll remind you, I've had 11 kung fu lessons.
You took four, missed six, and slept through the last one.
I was meditating! You know what, I don't need this.
Hey! You get your damn hands off her! Really, you're gonna threaten them by quoting Back to the Future? Give me the purse.
Hey! Let go.
You okay? Oh, my God, thank you so much.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I have a girlfriend.
What? I know what I just did was incredibly cool, but I need to get that out of the way because I'm sensing that you were having romantic feelings.
No, actually I'm just concerned about my wallet.
Right, right.
Your wallet and then the passion, the burning passion.
Just negate those feelings, because I'm off the market.
That was pretty amazing.
I mean, who does that anymore, right? I mean, they could have killed me, and you just took your life in your hands.
I know, I know, it's almost as if I attended all of my martial arts classes.
And then some.
Yeah, and you would never suspect that one day I might have fallen asleep and the instructor used my knees to balance the boards that they were chopping in half.
No, no.
I think what this woman is trying to say here, Gus, is that you can suck it.
No, I'm not saying that.
I'm paraphrasing.
Do you even know what "paraphrase" means? It means, "Suck it please, Gus.
" It doesn't mean "Suck it please, Gus.
" Okay, well, you were both very brave.
No, no, miss, please, stay out of this.
Otherwise, he'll never learn.
Besides, he was lobbying for leaving you here to die.
Uh-oh.
Oh, my God! Um Uh, excuse us while our lives end.
Thank you.
I guess that was a pretty important wall.
I know, you know That I'm not telling the truth I know, you know They just don't have any proof Embrace the deception Learn how to bend Your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know, you know I know, you know I want him jailed.
Mr.
Holm, as much as that idea pleases me, you can't actually put someone in jail for being stupid.
Or for being a good Samaritan.
Or stupid! - It does bear repeating.
- Excuse me.
We did save a woman, a fine woman at that.
You didn't mention that she was attractive.
I don't remember what she looked like.
Yes, you do.
Oh, this is preposterous.
A psychic indeed! You are not what you claim to be.
And I hold you responsible.
I hold you all responsible! You can no more do that then I can suppress my heroic instincts or Gus can control his bladder during intercourse.
What? That's disgusting.
It's not true.
It's conjecture.
Look, guys, we still have a chance here.
It's only been a short time, assumingly.
And I can tell you exactly where that crate is, right down to the geographical coordinates.
This is fruitless, Shawn.
You made a guarantee based on me being able to do a reverse GPS search on an $80 hiking watch.
It needs to have the distress signal on to work.
I agree.
We need a professional at this sort of thing.
Exactly, which is why we need to forget this psychic thing for once and give the information to the cops.
Believe me, I would, but the cops don't even have the kind of firepower we need.
Dude, if you suggest Batman one more time, I will pull out your eardrums.
I'm talking about a pro, Gus.
A pro's pro.
I've already called him and downloaded him on the situation.
Really? And who might that be? Somebody call for an art thief? Hello, Barton.
Can you just give us an approximate value of the collection? Are you serious? Could you put a value on your own father? We just need to know what we're up against.
Let me show you what we were going to exhibit in the foyer.
These are just some of the pieces of art and the few artifacts of Harrison Yerden.
You do know who he was, don't you? Yes.
He's the rich guy who built the airplanes.
One of the richest men in the world by the age of 32.
He spent the rest of his life trying to spend his money.
He collected art with the passion of a Renaissance prince.
He financed expeditions to the most remote corners of the Earth in search of the rarest artifacts.
I get it.
He's Howard Hughes and Indiana Jones.
The terms of his will stipulate that on the 50th anniversary of his death, which was last Thursday, his entire collection should be removed from the Louvre and brought to the Santa Barbara Museum of Art.
Where it stayed for exactly one hour until your boyfriend lost it.
We're very sorry for your loss.
We will find it.
There's always a way.
We have our best people working on it.
That's what troubles me.
You do realize I am finished, don't you? I will be known as the man who lost the Yerden masters.
You can't do this.
You're on trial.
I'm out on bail.
In fact, you're on trial right now for doing this same exact thing.
Oh, my gosh, you did this.
Oh, please, Braxton.
This was brash, violent.
Committed by a team.
Everyone knows I work alone.
It was so inelegant.
I was in court while it happened.
Check on that.
I did, man.
There are pictures and everything.
Gentlemen, I'm here to help.
My trial ends in a few days, and my acquittal has been evident since day two.
Frankly, I was shocked they haven't called the whole thing off yet.
And besides, I owe you for breaking me out of prison.
We didn't know we were doing that.
We were patsies.
Shawn.
And I've always had a fondness for Shawn.
Why don't you show me the program you're using to locate this GPS signal? Oh, his is much bigger.
This is going to take me a few hours.
That's perfect, 'cause I'm gonna need some time, too, if we're going after this treasure.
And this is the kind of thing that could get Gus killed.
You look ridiculous.
You're just jealous 'cause there's no black dudes in Raiders.
Wrong, Katanga.
He drove the Bantu Wind.
That was beneath you.
You're right.
Where did you get that thing? Don't ask.
Shawn, whenever we deal with Despereaux, it always ends badly.
Your glass is always half-empty.
Whoo, serious players we have here.
Now, how do you suppose we get up onto that roof? Really? Despereaux, you are a genius.
I know.
It's hard being me sometimes.
Excuse me, it's my watch.
Why do you need a watch with a distress signal? For hiking, Shawn.
You don't hike.
I plan to hike.
Players don't hike.
Man, you don't know what players do.
What do they do? Players hike deep into the woods, they get lost, they develop hypothermia, and that's why they need GPS.
Wait a second, they're leaving all the paintings? Why are they abandoning the expensive stuff? We need a closer look.
Are you crazy? Shh, shh.
Okay, I'm confused.
What was that thing? It was a Civil War era dagger.
Only about 500 of them were made.
Really? What's it worth? Oh, about $9,000 maybe.
Do they know that? Yes, they do.
Wait a minute, that's the woman we rescued behind the museum.
Good Samaritan, my ass.
We got played, Shawn.
No, you got played.
I had my suspicions all along.
That's Jacqueline Medeiros As high-end thief as they come.
And she's strictly business.
Question is, why is she doing this? A woman like that doesn't mess with a Van Gogh.
Unless Unless she's going after the Core Collection.
Of course.
What is the Core Collection? Nobody knows.
It's a legend really.
Story goes that Yerden kept his most secret and valuable items hidden in a Core Collection.
Went to the grave before he managed to tell anybody what or where it was.
A dagger was said to protect the collection.
I think you mean dragon.
No, I mean dagger.
Okay, let's take this information back to the police so we can be heroes again.
Hold that thought one moment.
Where's he going? Shawn was so desperate at the museum today.
I've never seen him so down.
Yeah, he was really affected.
Hey, tell me again what it looked like when that curator was berating him.
Do you think he was holding back tears? Because that's how I remember it.
Carlton.
Come on, O'Hara, allow me this one thing.
I don't ask for much.
I just don't want this to ruin him.
Do you seriously think that's a possibility? Because that would be awesome.
I know Shawn, and he is not well equipped to deal with failure.
I haven't heard from him all day.
He's probably sulking on the couch.
Oh, come on, O'Hara, don't beat yourself up.
I'm sure he's out screwing something else up.
No.
No, Shawn.
You will not return messages right now.
Can I at least send a text? No! Look, man, I've gotten a lot of messages since we started this thing, Gus.
You're just jealous 'cause you haven't gotten any calls.
Please, I have my work phone.
The mailbox on my player phone is full.
If I had my player phone, my celly would be blowing up right now.
You don't have a player phone.
I have I have three player phones, one for each part-time shorty.
Part What are you talking about? Man, you don't know.
No.
Yes.
No.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
We are leaving.
We are leaving right now.
We just got here.
Shh! He's not answering.
He's not? You know what, I'll just give him some downtime.
Yeah, that's probably a good idea.
Got it.
Got it? No, no got it.
Put back.
Put back now.
How did you even do Guys.
Hmm? Wait a minute, I see someone out there.
We should probably go.
Go! Go, go! Go get them.
We're trapped.
Uh No, we are not.
It's too far to jump.
I've got this.
What? What are you doing, Shawn? What? Hang on, Gus.
Oh! Shawn, let go.
No, you let go.
Let go, Shawn.
What the hell was that? One at a time.
Now toss me the whip.
I think I dropped it! All right, just meet me at the speedboat at the dock, okay? Okay, one question, which boat? The boat I showed you on the way in.
Weren't you paying attention? Yeah.
Well, we got a little excited, but yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What's that? That's gotta be it.
This is not a speedboat.
It's plenty speedy.
Since when do you know anything about boats? Fine.
Fine.
Untie the rope! Got it! What's taking you so long? It's a tiny rope, Shawn.
Do I look like I have children's hands? Where's the button? Turn the key! Ah! Okay, go, go, go.
We got the wrong boat.
Starboard, starboard.
Which way's starboard? To the right, Shawn.
What are you doing? Well, why don't you just say "right"? Because we're seamen right now.
We are what? Seamen.
We're seamen.
Stop saying that.
Anyone could be walking by.
That's what we are, we're seamen! Turn it.
We're going right back to where we started, Shawn.
Well, you're putting a lot of pressure on me right now.
It's a delicate I got it.
I know I got it.
I know what to do.
This way, this way.
Starboard, starboard, that way.
It does the opposite of what I'm telling it to do.
Ooh, labradoodle.
What the hell are you doing? Engine trouble? Uh-oh.
We were home when we got the call.
We almost got lost finding this place.
What happened? I'm so sorry, Shawn.
We got an I.
D.
It's Despereaux.
But the good news is the crate is exactly where you said it would be in the factory along with all of the other paintings.
The museum's going to be ecstatic.
Strong rally, Spencer.
Just a few hours, and the guilty party is already blown to smithereens.
Despereaux didn't do this.
Of course he didn't.
Why would I think he did? I mean, we found him Well, parts of him the stolen goods.
I mean, it's circumstantial at best.
Carlton.
Look, the important thing is that we saved the taxpayers thousands of dollars, and I've got a new slot on my home Most Wanted wall.
Good-bye, Despereaux.
Hello, Caroline Kapicki, murderous housewife from Ojai, who's also kind of a looker, so, that's a plus.
Lassiter, please, pretend you're a person.
Right.
Spencer, I am sorry for your loss.
But Despereaux was criminal trash, so essentially that means I win.
Despereaux didn't do it, Jules.
You're looking for a dark-haired woman named Jacqueline.
Wow, that's so specific.
I'll look into it.
Mr.
Despereaux's belongings will therefore be distributed in the following manner.
I'm sorry, you're here for a will reading? Shouldn't this be at your office or in a room full of family and friends? Sadly, Mr.
Despereaux did not have the benefit of close family and friends.
Mr.
Spencer, if I may speak candidly, you were really his only friend.
He left you the bulk of his possessions.
No, no, no, thank you.
Those are instruments of crime and probably all stolen.
I'll take this though.
You can't have it.
What are you, my boss? I'm your conscience.
Tony Cox is my conscience! What? There's the matter of Mr.
Despereaux's cash accounts, all of which were willed to Psych.
He was an amazing man.
I keep this then.
That's packing material.
You have your value system, and I have mine.
Yes! Most importantly, there's the matter of the eulogy.
This would seem to indicate to me that you, Mr.
Spencer, are the one most suited for it.
Of course, of course.
Now when do we get our money? Well, most of Mr.
Despereaux's accounts were frozen when the trial began.
Can't do it, Gus.
You can get your money any way you want it, Shawn.
Except for nickels.
I will not allow that again.
I can't do the eulogy.
Do not insult the man.
Of course you can.
Of course he can.
It's too real.
It's too soon.
Can we delay the funeral? Are you serious? It's a matter of the smell.
Too stinky, Shawn.
Get to writing.
No! I'm not gonna get up in front of 10,000 people and face the reality of the Grim Reaper.
which arena we book.
You were the only friend he had, Shawn.
Male.
Male friend.
Excuse me.
He had plenty of female relationships, but Oh.
It would be a small ceremony.
Okay, well, I will be there, front row.
I will start the wave if need be.
Well, that figures.
This may be something that you can just dance in the face of, Gus, but not me.
Not me! I will not stand up there and talk about the tragedy of Pierre's life.
Tragedy? He was about to be acquitted, you fool.
For the first time in his life, he wasn't gonna be on the run.
Pardon me, but Mr.
Despereaux was not about to be acquitted.
You shut your drunk mouth.
He told me as much.
We were losing that trial.
I was trying to make a plea, but the state was reluctant because we had no grounds.
What? No, I'm Uh, will he be mic'd? Wait, I need Despereaux's remains.
I can't sell them to you, Shawn.
I'm kind of on probation for that sort of thing.
I don't want to own them.
Good, because as a hobby, it is very expensive.
I just need to see 'em.
Okay.
But it's not as fun as it seems.
First thing in the morning? Yeah, but you know It's 9:00 a.
m.
Somewhere.
I'm good.
You know, I'm good too.
Pierre Despereaux.
What, that's it? That's enough.
Cause of death, diabetes.
I kid.
He exploded.
We have teeth, part of a foot, his wallet, and oddly enough a handful of Gus' things.
I don't know that it's funny.
Okay, maybe it is.
Woody, Woody, you don't understand.
This isn't Despereaux.
What? He's still alive.
I'm pretty sure that's impossible.
His trial was going poorly.
His money was frozen, and then we offered to lead him to a crate of stolen art.
So he faked his death.
He's still alive.
And we don't have to be sad.
Shawn, I have some bad news.
I'm afraid the dental records match.
No.
Yes.
We have a partial print, Shawn.
We have everything but the DNA, and that will be in shortly.
It's him.
Trust me on this one, Woody.
There is always a way.
Shawn.
Hey! Don't rain on it.
I've got a parade going here.
Shawn, I know what's going on.
He's gone.
Deal with it.
He's not gone! He's too good.
You've been hiding from the pain of death ever since you were a kid.
Let it hurt.
It's gonna hurt.
The only thing that's gonna hurt is your pride when I prove that Despereaux is still very much alive.
What if he isn't? What are you doing? Adding another joke.
To the eulogy? People don't like dealing with death.
Okay, Gus? They want jokes.
They want Jeff Goldblum impressions.
They want ironic juxtaposition of Rick Springfield lyrics.
Please do not say any of this, Shawn.
I'm not saying it.
I'm rapping it.
What is wrong with you? Just yesterday I couldn't say the world "died" without you shivering.
Okay, first of all, don't ever say that.
Secondly, I'll let you in on a little secret.
Despereaux is alive.
That is impossible.
It's perfect.
I watched him blow up.
I don't know how he did it, Gus.
But however he did it, that's how he does it.
If we learned anything from F/X and F/X2 it's that anything can be faked and Bryan Brown cannot carry a movie.
What about Full Body Massage? We both know why we rented that.
Shawn, I don't think you're staying in reality.
Trust me, Gus.
Why do you think he wanted me to give the eulogy? Because he's coming.
He's not gonna be here.
He most certainly is.
You wanna know why? Because that's what I would do.
Ha.
I am giving this speech to him.
Don't you think your take on this is a little easy? Easy? Yes, but life is easy, Gus.
If you really want it to be.
Despereaux is here.
He's in our hearts.
Maybe in these plants and maybe behind that tree over there.
Wherever he is, I just want him to know that we can all feel his presence, listening to everything we're saying.
Ah, it's like my dad here always says, "Please, help me with my pants, for I can no longer control my bowels.
" I don't say that.
Come on up here.
I don't wanna.
Come on, bring me my envelope.
It's gonna clear up all kinds of mysteries.
Give it up, ladies.
And that dude in the third row.
How'd he get the invite? I didn't know there were gonna be any My dad! My dad.
He's almost always wrong.
He cried at Benji the Hunted.
It's because he was being hunted.
He's afraid of raccoons.
Because they're terrifying and wear little masks.
They are.
The Golden Globe goes to Angelina Jolie For The Tourist.
Just kidding.
We all know she didn't win.
She should've.
Nope.
She was robbed.
This can't This can't be right.
He's dead.
He's Uh I've never I've never lost anyone close to me before in my entire life.
Um Jesus, how stupid sad is this? People die.
It's awful.
And unfair.
And, oh, my God, Gus is gonna die.
I'm not gonna die, Shawn.
You are.
Soon.
Definitely before me if statistics prove correct.
Which is so wrong, because I'm practically asking for it.
People are gonna miss me so much.
My dad said this would happen.
I guess I was wrong, and I should say that now because God knows your minutes are severely limited.
Sorry to hear about your friend.
You must have been shocked.
Yeah, yeah, and so unnecessary.
Oh, victim of foul play.
Gee, I wonder who could have done it.
I don't know.
But I bet she kinda liked the look on his face as he blew up.
No one crosses me.
I believe you have something of mine.
Did I borrow your socks? We scoured the bottom of the lake and the wreckage, and it was nowhere to be found, which means it can only be in one place.
David Lee Roth's beach house.
Give me the dagger.
I don't have it.
Really? It looks a little something like this.
Do you need a closer look? What is this, you show me yours, I show you mine? Maybe.
Hey, Shawn, you out here? Oh, Shawn, there you are.
Talk to you later.
What's going on? Oh, crap.
Seriously, Spencer, worst eulogy ever.
It was hilarious and pathetic at the same time for all the wrong reasons.
Who was that? Jacqueline Medeiros.
The woman who broke into the museum? Yes.
And she lies.
Arrest her.
You have proof of this? We gotta go.
What the hell happened? And why does she think we have the dagger? Oh, I don't know.
Maybe Because of this.
You had that in your pants? I swiped it off Despereaux at the bucket before we split off.
You know what that means.
You're not going after the Core Collection, are you? No.
We are.
We're gonna make sure Despereaux didn't die in vain.
Oh, no, we're not.
Give me that.
I'm taking it to the police.
No way.
No way.
That dastardly woman killed the coolest man on Earth over this treasure, and I will not let her get there first, Gus.
There is nothing in the world that would make me give this back.
I will slug you in the face cartilage, Shawn.
Here we go.
Back to this.
All right, you know what, do it.
I'm begging you.
I am begging you to give me your best shot.
Really? Yeah.
Ow! That hurts like the dickens.
Well.
I will strike you back.
I dare you.
I double dog dare you.
I triple dog dare you Ah! You went from low to high.
You were ready for that.
That's your problem, Gus.
You brought a funeral program to a knife fight.
Come on.
Come on, baby girl.
You want to bumble with the bee, huh? Buzz.
What's this? What is that? What is that? Ah! Camel clutch.
Take that.
Ask him, ref.
Ask him.
Don't even try it.
Ah, what is happening? I don't know! Ah! You bit me.
What is wrong with you? We are going on a treasure hunt! Oh, no, we're not.
Dude, you broke it.
You broke it.
'Cause you wouldn't let it go.
Wait a minute.
This broke off way too cleanly.
Almost like it was supposed to.
It didn't break.
That piece is a cap.
And this isn't a dagger.
It's a key.
What can you tell us about the Core Collection? It doesn't exist.
What if it did? But it doesn't.
Have you ever seen a key like this? Yes.
Where did you get this? Uh, I drew that.
Really? Yes, it's a pressure point key.
It doesn't twist.
It disengages the lock by insertion.
Now that's a sexy idea for a key.
It's designed for a lock that you cannot see deep inside something else.
Like in a cake.
No.
More like a secret wall inside an old safe.
Do you have more of these pictures? Uh, I'm not clothed in many of these.
The key, by the way, would be attached to some sort of post.
Or a dagger? Hypothetically.
Hypothetically, yes.
So would you say these locks were made around, um Get there.
The Civil War? Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, I would say that was 1920s.
Have you ever seen a lock like that before? As a matter of fact, I have, yes.
At Mr.
Yerden's estate.
That was built in the 1920s.
Have you ever taken the tour? No, we have not, but we will now.
Good.
Enjoy.
Don't hurry back.
There is a lock buried in a wall somewhere around here with an opening that matches this dagger perfectly.
Will you put that away? Oh, stop worrying.
Gonna blend.
Nobody's gonna Ah! Ah, notice us.
No food.
I don't have any food.
I smell it.
Cheetos.
All right, fine.
It's just a snack.
And a bag of fruit punch.
But don't worry, it won't spill.
No food, drinks, smoking, flash pictures, heeled shoes, hand lotions, offensive colognes, Minnesotans, tattoos with wolves, exposed liposuction scars, lap bands, hair extensions, loud noises, surprising gestures Bodily fluids.
All right, I'll lose the Cheetos.
I've already disposed of them.
I do not repeat, so you must listen.
Contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as a dumb question.
I'll assume many of you have completed the third grade.
If at any time you're confused by something that you hear, right, there's a book in the gift shop to help you.
It's called the dictionary.
Open it up once in a while.
Now who's ready to have a great time? Try and keep your lower lip from dropping to your waist during the parts with multiple syllables.
Mr.
Yerden spent the bulk of his life acquiring the rare works of art and priceless artifacts that you see, but do not touch, here.
Mr.
Yerden also dabbled in painting himself, but we were never fortunate enough to see his works as he kept them to himself.
Do you need flash cards? Let's go.
Damn it.
The granite in each handle on the estate comes from a quarry on the same site as one of Mr.
Yerden's greatest discoveries.
Even his crypt, right here on the grounds, is made of the material.
Uh, uh Oh, what are, uh Pillows? You know, I have a question as well.
What is wrong with you? I mean, what I meant to say was What made Mr.
Yerden choose these particular pillows? You know, if you wanna ask an unanswerable question, ask yourself why you chose to wear that shirt.
Now Is the dum-dum show over so we can get to big folks talk? Really? Can we get outta here? I'm exhausted.
You stabbed everything in this man's house.
I don't get it, Gus.
Maybe the key fits somewhere else.
Maybe the key fits nothing.
Maybe it was all an invention.
If I've learned nothing from this tour, it's that Yerden was an egomaniac.
I'll bet he's laughing in his granite-coated crypt right now.
What? Gus.
This is it.
What, the switch to the water fountain? No, no, no, I heard something.
The ground rumbled.
This is it.
Hey.
Banned for life.
Did they really have to fingerprint us for that? Cheetos.
I know what that key opened.
Wow.
That sly old bastard.
Dude, there's a centipede on your shirt.
Gus.
This is it.
We just gotta figure out how to open it.
This is a trap, Shawn.
You push the wrong thing, and a giant rock comes spinning through here or spikes come out of the ceiling, and the next thing I know, I'm the skeleton locked in a perpetual scream that's meant to scare some dude My skeleton is not gonna be a punch line, Shawn.
I've worked with professionals, mercenaries, compromised double agents, and yet no one's behavior has been as utterly confusing as yours.
Thank you.
It's not a compliment.
Well, that depends on your definition of "confusing," doesn't it? I've spent my entire life searching for the impossible, and yet somehow you've been one step ahead of me at all times.
Jackie, I told you, I'm spoken for.
Ha.
Though I do have a skill set that reaches well beyond the normal.
Great.
Then you can open that.
Mmm See, there's six and, uh Don't do it, Shawn.
I don't think he has much of a choice.
She just got so serious.
Levers.
Why did it have to be levers? Open it.
"Look behind you.
" Don't you just hate people who kill you? I mean, really, the amount of satisfaction this woman got from what legitimately amounts to murder is mind-boggling.
Oh, sure, we were stealing the key to priceless artifacts from her, but you don't have to enjoy it is all I'm saying.
I am so happy that you are alive.
Oh, thank you.
Wait a minute.
You son of a bitch.
How could you do that to me? Oh, never mind, you're so frickin' awesome.
How did you do it? How did I get in here? Well, you opened the way, Shawn.
Nice call with the fountain, by the way.
I'd have guessed the stone lions in the library, but then again, I'm a traditionalist.
No, you silly bottom.
How are you alive? I had a perfectly good medical school body on ice.
And I'd already come up with an exit plan when you called with a much better idea.
Hello.
Hello, Shawn.
Well, nothing too important.
I'm actually in the middle of cutting my hair.
I located your watch signal instantly.
I just needed more time to set things up.
This will take a few hours.
I changed a planned fishing accident into a boat escape.
I just needed to lose you along the way.
So this whole thing was a setup from the moment we reached the factory? Mmm-hmm.
Ooh, how did you get the DNA to match? Now that was the problem.
I needed irrefutable proof that I was dead.
And it would be impossible to leave a large enough sample without losing a hand or a body part.
And I'd seen 127 Hours, and, well Ugh.
So I simply did the next best thing.
I changed my DNA in the database to John Doe number 12.
Of course it was gonna match.
It's him.
You can hack too.
I have a guy.
Can you introduce him to us? Of course.
Guys.
But then again, I didn't expect you to swipe the dagger from me in the factory.
That was a class lift.
I've nothing left to teach you.
Where is it? Let's open it together.
Oh.
It's a genie.
It's not a genie.
Gus, don't be ridiculous.
Genies come in lamps.
You do it.
His ashes? All this way for that? It can't be.
It's his legacy.
Even his crypt right here on the grounds is made of the same material.
If his ashes are in the urn, what's in the crypt? The student has become the master.
Let's go.
You're doing a bang-up job desecrating this guy's final resting place.
Gus, his ashes were in the urn.
They were a clue.
In the end, he wanted us to do this.
You're not You're not crying, are you? Well I'm sorry, it's just This guy's never gonna see his dog Tartoof again.
His dog's name was Tartoof? Probably.
Well, you've come a long way, Shawn.
What you said at my funeral made me mist up as well.
It was wonderful.
Really moving.
You were there? Of course, I was in the coffin.
Oh! I was gonna check there.
- That would've been weird.
- Guys.
Can we do this? It's gotta be Rembrandt's unfinished portrait of Alexander the Great.
It was rumored Yerden had it for years.
Or perhaps it's a Thomas Kinkade.
Shawn, you really need to learn another painter.
Yeah, like that's ever gonna be necessary.
It's breathtaking.
It's crappy.
You're crappy.
Don't know what you want.
He's going for fruit.
It looks like fruit.
This doesn't make sense.
I mean, he created this hunt, left all these clues, leaked the rumor of this collection, and all for this? Mr.
Yerden also dabbled in painting himself, but we were never fortunate enough to see his works as he kept them to himself.
They're his.
What? Oh.
Harrison Yerden painted those himself.
These are his most cherished possessions.
Uh, I beg to differ.
Think about it, fellas.
This man traveled to the ends of the Earth, risking everything to find beautiful things made by others.
But the one unattainable goal that he would never achieve was to be the object of one of those searches.
To have someone go on a quest like ours for his works.
To be the prize at the end of a journey.
Perfect.
It's narcissistic.
In the biggest way.
I like the one with the cat.
Still crappy.
Gus is crappy.
Your mama's crappy.
You're just plain crapola.
Suck it, Shawn.
You know what, let's get out of here before we all get arrested.
I'm never gonna see you again, am I? If you'd like to plan a vacation to some friendly, non-extraditing country, I'd be happy to set up a weekend for you.
It hurts.
It's real.
I get that now.
We're not gonna get that 1.
6 million, are we? When the courts release it, it will go into your account for about nine minutes, and then it will mysteriously disappear.
Don't try to stop it.
We won't accept it.
Oh, yes, we will.
What about the taxes? You don't have to pay taxes on money you don't have.
Where do you get your information from, Shawn? Gus, don't be Lao Che.
Who? The dude from Temple of Doom.
What? Remember, they got on his plane in Shanghai and flew all the way to India before the pilots jumped out when clearly they could have just not taken off in the first place.
What does that have to do with anything? What? Hey, team.
I just wanted to apologize for the scene that I caused at the funeral.
I know I've probably seemed a little crazy these last few days.
Come on, Spencer, don't beat yourself up.
I mean, thanks to you another criminal is dead.
In my book, you can hold your head up high around here.
You even found the five paintings of the Core Collection in Yerden's crypt.
This is true.
Wait, what? The wild goose chase that rich nutbag sent us on.
We found all five paintings.
There were six paintings.
Six? Are you telling me someone stole one of those heaps? No.
That wouldn't make any sense.
Hello, Rembrandt.