Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - Juliet Takes a Luvvah

- Stop.
- Father.
Stop calling me that.
You have to take it easy, father.
- Shawn, would you let me go.
- Build up your strength.
Do you know how annoying you are? Calling me father, like in some black-and-white movie? But I'm just trying to help you, father.
Henry, let him help you.
I don't need any help walking.
I'm fine.
Both of you, just-- I'm fine.
When was the last time you cleaned this thing out? Look, mom, you didn't have to fly all the way here just for this.
Is this a corn dog? I don't know.
But there's one way to find out.
- Take a bite.
- I'm not biting into this.
- Just get a little bitty bite.
- No, I don't want any.
It's disgusting.
Now, I only made a few meals.
I'm only here a couple of days.
- Somebody's got to check on him.
- I get it.
You want me to swing by, make sure he has fresh water.
You know change his colostomy bag.
He doesn't have a colostomy bag.
Are you sure about that? Because I think he might.
Goose, do you realize he almost died? I'm sorry, mom.
I just-- I can't take you seriously while you're holding that thing.
I know you may find this hard to believe, but someday you're gonna want these times back.
Maybe this is your chance to get to know him in a different way.
Mm, I don't know if I need to get to know him in any additional ways.
I mean, the one way seems solid.
It seems sufficient.
I am not making any promises.
But I will take your words under advisement.
Insert plank "J" into peg "H.
" There is no peg "H.
" Peg "H" doesn't exist.
I am going to kill somebody.
You just don't know how to take a Swedish practical joke.
- You can go home, Shawn.
- I can't.
I have to tell you why I'm here.
There's a reason.
It's this.
Jules, I just had a major epiphany.
You know my lease is almost up.
I may have been vaguely aware of that fact.
Right, well, I'm thinking, "Shawn, it's time to move forward in your life.
" - As a man, you know.
- Yeah.
It's not just about me anymore.
I think that is a very mature thought, Mr.
So you know what I'm gonna do? What are you gonna do? I am gonna move in.
With my dad.
- Shawn.
- I know, right? How many more times is my father gonna be recovering from a gunshot wound in my lifetime? Maybe once.
Maybe, if I'm lucky.
What? You're cool, right? Don't lie to me, because I can always tell when you're lying.
Oh, I am so cool, Shawn.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
For a second, you had me worried there.
Uh, what are you doing? Look, it's not what it looks like.
I'm just taking additional photos for my soulmateconnect.
com online dating profile.
I thought there was something truly embarrassing going on in here.
Look, I need to be in love, Shawn.
Everyone I've gone after during the last year has either been a killer or dating a killer.
Oh, well, by all means, let's scour the Internet-- the place where everyone knows it's just decent, normal, sane people looking for true love.
You think you know so much, Shawn.
Take a look at this.
She's perfect.
She's like an Indian princess who bakes pies.
And I have date with her.
So suck it Buddy, you know I'm in your corner, right? But everyone lies on these things.
Of course, she looks all pretty online.
When you show up at the restaurant, guess who's waving at you from the bar? The New Delhi version of Colonel Sanders, with a wig.
And what are you doing here on a Sunday, anyway, Shawn? I was supposed to have privacy.
I need to borrow your suitcase.
What's wrong with yours? And where are you going? Yours has wheels, and the zipper works.
And I'm moving in with my dad.
You're doing what now? Does Juliet know about this? Yeah, I told her last night.
And you're still alive? - Gus, my dad was shot.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay, he's gonna need help doing normal, everyday activities.
- Right.
- Juliet understands that.
She knows that someday, eventually, we will move in together.
You don't know her like I do.
She's not a reactive person.
She's cool.
Juliet is cool.
Yeah, she's cool like that.
But it looks like Helene is back on the market, - like that.
- Helene? Wh-- I know you know that I'm not telling the truth I know you know they just don't have any proof embrace the deception learn how to bend your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end Okay, um, well, I guess I became fascinated with sea horses when I was about eight.
But then I became very serious about them in my 20s.
Uh, little known fact-- you know, they don't actually wear saddles like they do in cartoons.
- Can I show you something? - Sure.
This is a photo of me with my long-snouted sea horse.
His name is Herschel.
- Oh, great name.
- Thanks.
He's sort of like the grandpa of the group.
He's got a very fragile lower G.
You have to be very careful, actually, 'cause they're not omnivores, like some people think.
They're actually herbivores, but-- Oh, sir! Sir! Sir! Sir, excuse me! What the hell? Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
Do you have something to say for yourself? - Who is this guy? - Who am I? Who are you? I'm the boyfriend, so stop staring creepily into her green eyes, Jack.
- Oh, actually, my name's Mike.
- My eyes are blue.
How do you know? You can't see them.
Mike, this is my ex-boyfriend.
Ex? Oh, that's how we're gonna play this.
Oh, come on! He's not even good-looking.
I mean, he's--it's okay.
You know what? It's not great, I'm sorry.
It's not.
You know, I'm not sorry.
Do you have something to say for yourself? You have got to effing be kidding me.
McNab! Get out there and do something about this.
Oh, I wish I could, sir, but I'm in the weeds right now.
You get-- get Spencer out of there before he blows this whole damn thing! Go! Leave the spaghetti! I'm sorry, Michael.
My ex-boyfriend, he's a little unbalanced, very immature.
He just moved back home.
All right, we're gonna play dirty ball, huh? We're gonna play old-school nasty ball? Well, good luck finding more garlic sticks.
What? What? McNab? What are you doing here? - This is my table.
- This is your-- Hmm.
You know what? I've had some time to think about this, and, uh, I'm way out of line here.
I'd like to apologize.
You are both lovely.
You are especially lovely.
- Thank you.
- Dessert's gonna be on me.
I'm gonna go hit my sidework, marry some ketchups.
We have a chocolate flourless cake, like every other restaurant on the planet, but ours really is amazing.
It really is, and it's coming your way.
- You don't work here, McNab.
- Not yet.
Lassie, I need a flourless chocolate cake, on the fly.
Good going, Spencer.
You may have just blown O'Hara's cover and six weeks worth of work.
So, no cake? Okay, listen up.
In the past three months, two women in their late 20s were killed.
Both of these women were strangled, their bodies both found in a dense wooded area.
However, we were unable to find any other evidence which connected these two women.
Until we found this.
Both of these women had profiles on the dating site soulmateconnection.
Now, in addition, they dated a cross section of these six men in common.
So we believe that one of these men is the possible killer.
So we sent Detective O'Hara undercover to help draw these men out.
Bottom line.
Great news, people.
Allow me to clarify, chief.
What I mean to say is simply that thank goodness it turns out it might just be a maniacal serial killer on the prowl and not that Detective O'Hara was truly out there dating strange men.
Shawn, I have another date tomorrow.
Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? What, are you kidding? You went on a television dating show and made it to the finale.
Because I am a man! And I do what needs to get done! - Okay, enough, the two of you.
- And don't get me wrong.
It's not that Detective O'Hara hasn't done a bang-up job jezebel-ing herself out to half of Santa Barbara.
But it would appear to me that you are dealing primarily with circumstantial evidence.
So, chief, you are going to need me to come in here - and read these men.
- Or assault them.
Pulling needles out of haystacks is Shawn's specialty.
So you can work together on this.
Hey, dude! Where have you been? I need you.
There's major stuff going down on the Jules front.
You just abandon me in the field now? That's your new thing? What? - Shawn, this is Rachel.
- Hi.
Rachel, this is Shawn.
Ah, yes.
Your the girl from the Internet with the picture in the thing.
She knows who I am.
Is this a friend of yours? Friend? Best friends.
From childbirth.
Actually, from before we were both born.
We took our first poops together.
What? Mine was adorable.
His was way too formed.
See, I knew there was something you were holding out on me from that baby album.
Wait a minute.
He showed you his baby album? He's kidding.
About the poop.
He kids, usually inappropriately.
As inappropriate as you last night, telling that waitress she looked a young Eleanor Roosevelt? Well, it was loads of fun for everyone.
But, uh, Gus and I have to attend to some serious matters now, Rachel.
So, if you don't mind I mean, I don't know if you walked or drove or what, but it's a lovely jaunt down the beach path back to wherever it was you came from.
- Did you have a jacket? - Shawn.
I think the date is still going.
Oh, I get it.
You guys need to say your good-byes.
First date, last date.
I'll wait.
I think the first date was last night, Shawn.
Technically, this is the second, no? Technically, you would be right, so, technically, this wouldn't be inappropriate.
Wait a minute.
You guys didn't-- What? What-- - what are you doing? - I used the "Do it" symbol.
Don't worry.
She doesn't know what it means.
I know what the do it symbol means.
I just haven't seen it since I was 12.
The question is what is-- what is this gesture supposed to be? What are you telling me, man.
That you're seriously into this chick? She is amazing, Shawn.
She is amazing and beautiful.
You don't know anything about this girl.
I know she went to Oxford, is a nutritionist, and she has a voice like the angels from the British heavens.
British don't get their own heaven.
She is different, Shawn.
She's not like any of the others.
Really? Because that doesn't seem fair.
Shawn, I think she could be the one.
Well, I don't think she's the one for us.
Really? Ow! Gus, don't be the "B" from apartment 23! You're better than that! We're all better than that! At least, I think we are.
Is there anything I can do for you, pop? You wanna help? Go clean out the garage.
How about you let me borrow the truck instead? Where are you going? What time are you gonna be back? - It's a date with Jules.
- Oh, that's so sweet.
Henry, let him borrow the truck.
Where are you taking her? Oh, it's actually not my date.
I have to go to a date that Juliet is having with another dude.
It's a long story, guys.
It's complicated.
But don't worry, there's no touching above the knees and absolutely none of this.
What? Is that opening a can? Mom.
Everybody knows what that is.
I want it back by midnight.
- What am I, Cinderella? - You want to make it 11:30? No.
Oh, hey, mom, what time's your flight tomorrow? - I'll take you to the airport.
- Actually, those bags are going upstairs.
Your mother's gonna stick around for a little while.
Just for a while.
Make sure you're okay.
I told her that I'll be fine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're moving in? Oh, my God.
I'm living with my parents.
All right, the movie should be out.
We're back up and running.
All right.
This is work time.
I can't believe you got that out of me.
I usually don't tell people I'm a Mensa member.
And they won't to play me in "Words With Friends.
" Oh, I am so not intimidated by that.
I bet I could give you a run for your money.
There's a lot of heat coming off these two.
Jules is a much better actress than I give her credit for pretending to be into this Lordan joker--come on.
Please, you're the only one in this van who isn't into this guy.
Oh, ha, ha.
Oh, come on.
You know that girls are better spellers than guys.
Really? 'Cause I have won every Spelling Bee I have ever been in.
Oh, so you're a nerd.
- Spell "xylophone.
" - Wow.
- "X"-- - Wow.
So this is how you're gonna play my boy? Is that Guster? You didn't tell Guster about this? He's gonna ruin the whole operation.
Uh, I don't even know what you're talking about.
I don't know who this is, really.
Oh, okay.
I see how this is.
Girl, that is cold.
And if I wasn't on a date myself right now, we would be having words.
Know that.
That's my boy right there, son.
Let me ask you something.
Who-- who came up with these panic code words for Jules, huh? - "I feel hot"? - What would you prefer? Oh, I don't know, how about something semi-conversational, like "You have a butt chin"? Well, here we are.
The end of the date good-bye.
Now I know that this is a bit strange, but I have a surprise for you.
- Oh? - Okay.
Now I need you to turn around.
- Oh, no.
- Come on, come on.
- Surprise.
- Just play alongplay along.
She needs us.
Let's bounce.
No, no, no.
Hold up.
She knows what she's doing.
We go out to soon, we blow her cover.
Come on, come on, just play along.
That's right.
There you go.
- You know what? I-- - Uh-uh-uh-uh.
You're gonna ruin the surprise.
Now, close your eyes.
You know what? I feel hot.
Very hot.
Get outta the way! - Yah! - Hey! A necklace? You said on your profile that you liked turtles.
It looks just like the ones I saw on my trip to the Galapagos Islands.
- Wow, that is unexpected.
- I know, I know.
So you said you were feeling hot? Oh, yeah, I, uh-- uh, I am feeling cold! I am feeling really cold.
What are you doing? Get your meat hooks off of me.
You want to blow her cover? Put your arms around me.
Come on, sell it! Rub my back at a medium pace.
- You're an idiot.
- Make it tender.
I'm being tender! Wait.
This just in.
Love is in the air, huh? Ha.
Something's in the air.
Beat you within an inch of your life when this is over.
How was the date? Well, uh Juliet's guy turned out to not be a serial killer, so that was a buzzkill.
But I did get a little action off Lassiter, you know, over the clothes.
Middle-school style.
Come sit.
Guys I think we need to talk.
This is not a normal situation.
You see that? I don't see how all of us living together is gonna work.
You're divorced.
I'm in my 30s.
It's weird.
You guys can see that Is that The Boy Who Could Fly? Nobody understood him but Milly.
And then he just flew away into the clouds.
You know sometimes I feel like that little boy.
I did some of your laundry today.
It's on your bed.
Mom, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
I don't need you to do my laundry.
But I couldn't remember if you liked your socks folded or rolled into balls.
I like my socks in balls.
- I did balls.
- Well, that's fortuitous.
Fly, Eric Fly.
Uh, O'Hara, Spencer, this is Mr.
Fielding Mellish.
He is a technical rep from soulmateconnection.
com who's gonna help us track our profiles and the correspondence of our suspects.
Hi, Mr.
I'm Detective O'Hara.
And you may not recognize me, but I'm also Helene, the undercover decoy working the case.
I think I'm caught up.
I'm Shawn Spencer.
I'll be playing myself the whole time.
Uh, now that Lordan is less probable, our next likely of the six original suspects goes on the site with the name of "Mr.
" Can you pull him up, please? Mr.
Possibilities? Try "Mr.
" Wow, he looks like a male model.
I was a hand model.
You want to buy this pen? No? Now you do.
Oh, he's also an art dealer, a ski instructor, and he runs his own non-profit children's charity.
And, um, this guy's single? Wow, I really missed out on this online thing.
And I am gonna let you get back to work.
- Okay - Thank you.
So you wrote to this guy four times under your cover profile.
Yes, and I cannot get a date with him! Easy there, "Debbie does Santa Barbara.
" Listen, if you ask me, I think your profile needs some sprucing up.
- Sprucing up? - Well, yeah.
You seem sort of middle of the road.
I mean, who lists The Mentalist as one of their favorite TV shows? You need to get more spicy.
Why would you do that? Why would you make fun of The Mentalist? - I-I don't really-- - I'm serious.
Why would you possibly take a shot at that show? I-I've never actually seen it.
- Okay.
- I'll check it out.
You have to tailor-make your profile to attract this Mr.
What will it take? I think we're looking at a complete overhaul here.
I mean, we're not trying to attract a 30-something-year-old guy who lives with his parents.
That is so true.
Well, I have to say, this is the first time I've ever been fingerprinted on a date.
Ma'am, just keep cooperating.
Or I'll have to take you back into the interrogation room.
- Gus! What are you doing? - I'm in the middle of a date.
How can this possibly still be going on? He's booking me.
Some of us are in ere doing real detective work-- there, in the conference room-- while you two are acting like children, out here.
What? This is my lunch.
Which was packed for me by my mother.
It is clearly labeled "Goose," and now it cannot be stolen, which happens.
Even here at a police station.
Hi, Shawn.
What do you think? Uhyou look like you're late for a Whitesnake video shoot.
Shawn, relax.
I don't actually want to date any of these guys.
I'm trying to solve a murder.
Helene? Lordan.
Come on.
This guy? He's a lame-chop slathered in fail sauce.
Hey, did you get the flowers I sent? Yes, yes, um, I did.
They were gorgeous.
Thank you.
This guy has been eliminated as a suspect.
Therefore, there is no need for flirtation.
Eliminated? Shawn, just because he didn't kill me at the time - doesn't mean he doesn't want to.
- You're right.
We do this together.
I'm your wingman.
Shawn, I don't need a wingman.
Lay back.
- Who's this? - A friend.
Friend, really.
That's me.
I'm at friend status? Yes, what else would you be, Shawn? What is that? Is that a suit for a school picture? No.
Every time I close a big deal, I buy myself a suit.
I'm in the commercial real estate business.
I build skyscrapers.
What business are you in? I'm a psychic, Jack.
And I build Swedish furniture.
And he lives with his parents.
They're old and frail, and I have to care for them.
And one of them has a colostomy bag.
Hey, goose! Come try these on.
I want to see how they fit in your seat.
Look, I ally appreciate the ride over here but I am in the middle of an investigation.
Well, at least hold this up to your shoulders so I can see about the sleeve length.
Mom, do you hear what I just said? I'm investigating a mur-- Oh, look at that.
That is nice.
Do you want to go out again sometime? No.
Um Look, Lordan, you are wonderful.
But I'm not your girl.
That's actually my ex, and we're trying to get back together.
Really? That guy? That's his mom.
He's a lucky guy.
Good luck, Helene.
Thank you.
You know, you're gonna make a really handsome baby-daddy.
So bye, you know Whoa, yep, that's there.
For now.
- See you.
- What the hell is all of that? I know what this is about.
It's not about this dude.
This is about you competing with those girls that Mr.
Possibilities did go out with.
What is it? Am I not as attractive? - Is that what it is? - I don't know, Jules.
Those girls are dead.
You are competing with girls who were murdered.
So that's it.
So I'm--I'm not as attractive.
Wow, it kind of makes me hate those girls.
The dead girls.
The murdered girls.
Yeah, you're right, it's kind of inappropriate and disrespectful that I said that.
Actually, it's great that you just said that.
Hang with me, Mellish.
I know you can.
We have been concentrating this whole time on the men these women are dating.
But what if, what if it's one of the other women.
One who's jealous.
When they smell your pheromones, their claws come out.
Seen it firsthand.
I bet you have.
You strike me as a real swordsman.
Well, I was a fencer in high school.
That's not what I'm talking about.
But, seriously, what if one of these women is literally killing off her competition? I'm doing a search right now of all correspondences with "Mr.
" There were several women who wrote to him but one woman wrote to him multiple, multiple times with no response.
This chick really went off the charts to get this guy.
Kind of creepy.
Even for creepy online-dating people.
Who is she? Uh-oh.
See, it's all about the follow-through.
You've done this move before? First time, actually.
Is it working? Well, let's see if I make this shot.
- Hmm.
- Fore! - Oh! - Ha! Sorry about that! The mouth on that evil clown head is so much wider than I thought.
Shawn, what are you doing here? Don't worry, Gus.
I come in peace.
I'm here to apologize-- not to you, but to Rachel.
Clearly, you and I got off on the wrong foot, or whatever you guys call it "Across the pond.
" We call it a foot.
Well, it was my fault, and I'd like to start over.
Well, that's big of you.
Me too.
Rachel, you seem like a very sweet girl with a lot of love to give.
Thank you, Shawn.
That's very generous of you to say.
Unfortunately, you are also a serial killer.
That's right, Gus.
A killer of women-- at least two-- with blonde hair.
No, no, no.
You will not do this again, Shawn.
You will not take this beautiful, budding relationship and destroy it by accusing the girl of murder.
Not again.
Not this time.
- This has happened before? - Once or twice, yes.
Look, Gus, I didn't pick her.
I can't help it if she likes to kill.
Shawn, while you're accusing my girlfriend of murder, there's a real serial killer out there, maybe getting ready to kill again.
Wait, did you just call me your girlfriend? - I'm sorry.
- No, don't be.
You wanted a date with Mr.
Remember him? You should.
You wrote to him over eight times in a period of three weeks.
Each time he rejected you, you got jealous, and you went after those two women, who were able to capture his attention, for revenge.
Because if you couldn't have him, no one could.
Am I right? Wait, you wrote to some white dude, like, eight times? You're a psychic and you make money off of this? It's very simple, Rachel.
Just prove to me that you have an alibi for the night of the first murder--April 11th, at 9:00 P.
And you stay out of it.
Do not be the Tom Selleck to her Paulina Porizkova.
- What are you talking about? - From Her Alibi, 1989.
Rotten tomatometer--15%.
Audience meter--38%.
If anything, Gus would be my James Farentino.
Who's that? Some other white dude you tried to get a date with? This is me receiving an award for a school nutritional program I initiated.
- Look at the time stamp.
- 7:30 P.
? So what? We're to believe that you gave a speech about nutrition that lasted an hour and a half? You could have been anywhere you wanted in this city - in 20 minutes.
- I wasn't in Santa Barbara.
I was in New York.
This is me in front of the Statue of Liberty.
Okay, look, obviously I'm gonna have to verify all this information down at the station.
But, for now, it would appear that you're okay to keep putting.
Just don't try to skip town.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Well, I am.
If it's all right with you, I'm just gonna-- just gonna play through.
Hey, Jules.
Hey, I just accused Gus' girlfriend of being a serial killer, and now I'm playing mini golf by myself.
And I just feel like I may be going down a bad path.
So let's make this a date night, shall we? Ooh, Shawn, I can't.
Because I got a date with Mr.
Perfect! Yes, I guess the new profile worked.
You sound genuinely excited about this.
I am! As a detective.
For the break, Shawn.
But, uh, look, I really need you in my ear for surveillance.
I cannot do this without you.
Shawn, I need you to find a way to be okay with this.
Do you have any idea what I'm going through? My girlfriend has a new boyfriend, my best friend has a girlfriend, my mom bought me shorts.
Look, I just--I need somebody to talk to here.
Shawn, I would, and I'm really, really sorry, but we are just so busy right now.
- Yeah, can you go back? - Okay.
Ma! Dad! Think I could use a quick chat.
Look, dad-- - Oh! - Oh! No! Goose! Fly, Eric.
Fly high.
High into the clouds.
I want you to feel like you can ask me anything.
There are no silly, stupid questions.
Please, stop making sounds with your mouth.
It all happened very organically.
I'm still trying to process it myself.
I think maybe it grew out of our history or maybe my new outlook on life, post being shot.
Plus your mother is a very attractive woman.
And I'm a man.
With needs.
Dad? Yeah.
When I was a kid That's good, that's good.
Keep going.
I had a recurring nightmare that aliens came down and abducted me.
And they did experiments on my brain.
Where are those aliens now? - Shawn, look.
- Please, take me away.
I don't know anything about aliens, but I do know that lovemaking can be a very beautiful thing if it's a product of a loving relationship.
Holy crap.
Dad, look at this guy.
Whoa, whoa, Shawn.
I don't think I'm ready to have this conversation.
No, no, dad, look.
It's the same guy.
This is the same man.
These pictures were taken straight from the catalog and then photoshopped with different backgrounds.
Like this one, with him in the ski gear.
Look, it's shot in a studio, right? Now look at this.
On the profile, he's in front of a ski lift, like he's actually skiing.
Shawn, how long have you been obsessed with this man? Dad, I got to go.
This talk of ours will have to wait until well after we're dead.
And even then, the dead version of me is not gonna have any questions for the dead version of you.
'Cause it wasn't organic.
And you don't know anything about lovemaking.
Thanks for joining the case, buddy.
Not a problem.
And I'm sorry I accused your new girlfriend of trying to pull a Bride of Chucky thing.
It's cool.
I know what it's like - to be lonely and single.
- Well, I'm not single, Gus.
And that was you, as of yesterday.
Oh, Shawn, you don't seem to be in a healthy head space.
I'm sorry.
Maybe it's because I walked in on my divorced parents having sex, Gus.
Then my dad set me down and told me that my body was a wonderland.
Shawn, are you sure you saw what you think you saw? Yes, I'm positive.
I-- - What about you? - What? Did you ever walk in on your parents? My parents never had sex, Shawn.
- Of course, they did.
- Didn't happen.
Look, you're looking at one of God's perfect little miracles right now.
Oh, yeah? Well, what about joy? I'm still not sure she isn't adopted.
- Where is she, by the way? - I don't know.
Man, why are we sitting in front of some dude's house? Because he's not just "some dude," Gus.
He's Mr.
Possibilities isn't who he says he is.
His real name is Ken Dowling.
Fabricated an entire profile to try and create the perfect single man living in Santa Barbara.
Why would he do that? Because he's already married.
Lassie confirmed that he has a record.
And he is the only one left of the original six.
I would never cheat on Rachel.
I can't imagine not having her in my life right now.
Really? Just think back to yesterday at about 6:00 P.
Come on.
We have a marriage to destroy.
My husband is having an affair? If only it were that simple, Miranda.
I'm just coming down for-- What's going on? Who are these guys? Shawn Spencer-- psychic detective.
This is my partner and immaculate conception.
We are both not married.
Although he has a new girlfriend, and my girlfriend's currently seeing other people, but strictly for professional reasons--she's a pro.
You have a profile on a dating website? Go ahead, Ken.
Tell her.
You used online dating to relive your single days.
Tell her how you created this Mr.
Possibilities profile and started living a double life.
Ken? Only thing you didn't count on were those two poor blonde girls figuring you out and threatening to expose you to your wife.
Isn't that right, Gus? I'm really hearing most of this for the first time.
You had no choice but to get rid of 'em the old-fashioned way.
Cccchhhh! Goose! - Who is goose? - I don't know! I mean, I would never use those pictures to get dates.
How could you do this to us? Yes, Ken.
How could you? Look at that pug's face.
Look at it! Shame on you, shame on you.
I can sense it-- your infidelity, your extracurricular activities, possiblyoffice-related.
- I'm not sure.
- Ken? I went out with my secretary for lunch once.
- Did you order dessert? - Did you order dessert? Yeah, maybe, I don't know! What--what does this matter? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, Ken.
I'm gonna call a car to come here and arrest you.
McNab! Hey! I need one paddy wagon, one Patty melt, some yellow crime-scene tape, and, uh, two cinnamon rolls delivered to the following address-- - Jules.
- So this thing is off? I got good news and I got better news.
Good news is you don't have to go on a date with Mr.
Perfect Because Mr.
Perfect is married.
Married? Don't sound so disappointed.
That was the good news.
I'm sorry, O'Hara.
Why is everybody so sorry? Look, I busted this guy by figuring out that he murdered those women when they discovered his scam.
Did he look as good as his pictures? Honey, please! Yeah, I guess so.
Hello? It's a tough break, O'Hara, but tell you what.
I'll go snatch this guy up and book him.
Why don't you go home, watch a couple episodes of Sex and the City and shake this whole thing off.
Uh, what is she shaking off exactly? Hello? Hello, my dear.
You know what I think might make you feel better is if you go home tonight, change into your Helene outfit, do a little dance to pour some sugar on me.
It isn't Jules, but I'd be willing to wear what I'm wearing right now - and drop it like it's hot.
- Mellish? I know you told me to call you if there was any activity on Mr.
Perfect's account.
Well, that is no longer necessary, because Mr.
Possibilities, aka Mr.
Perfect, has been arrested.
He's done.
Well, then, I don't know how you explain this.
Possibilities just sent an email, ten minutes ago.
Well, unless he used his teeth or hit the little keys with his nose while handcuffed, that's not possible.
Unless the guy you have in cuffs is not Mr.
Mike? Hello, Helene.
You weren't expecting to see me here, Helene? Were you waiting on a date or something? No, uh, to be honest I sort of gave up on that whole dating thing.
It's just too much drama.
Yeah, me too, me too.
Uh, so you're not here expecting to see a Mr.
Possibilities? Who? No.
No, I don't even know who that is.
What? Who is he? Well, he's nobody.
Yeah, he doesn't exist.
I'm sorry, did you think-- Yeah, for you, the bad news for you is that I created him.
To prove a point.
Lassie, we got to go! Jules is in trouble! What are you talking about? I'll explain on the way.
Gus, come on! Such a beautiful day, isn't it? Let's go look at some ducks.
Come on, nice and easy.
Nice and easy.
It'll be just like a date.
To prove a point to who? Oh, to all you women.
Because you lie.
Watch your step.
Yeah, you say you want the nice guy.
You say you want the good guy, but thenHa ha ha! You're all so shallow.
And I just proved it.
I hate this.
This is just-- this is just a terrible, horrible thing you're making me do, Helene.
Mike, no one is making you do anyth-- Yes, you are! Mike.
Juliet's date from the Italian restaurant.
Oh, yeah, I dated both of those girls that were killed.
Yeah, they rejected me.
They gave excuses why they weren't ready for a relationship, and then they turned around and they were totally interested in my, uh, fictitious alter ego Mr.
Possibilities, because he's good-looking, and he seems flawless.
You see, womendon't want what they say they want.
And you're the same.
All right, this was the meeting spot.
Can't be far off.
Let's split up! Remember our date at the restaurant? Remember what you told me? Do you remember how you told me that things were--what was it? What was it, Helene? They were too complicated? They were too complicated for you? And then you turn around and you write to Mr.
Possibility, and you practically beg--beg-- to go out with him.
I almost gave you a pass, but then you kept writing.
You were relentless.
You just had to go out with him! Didn't you? - No, I didn't-- - Don't turn around! But I'm not like those other girls.
I did like you.
Maybe a little too much.
I just didn't think that you were into me.
I mean, you actually-- you made me a little nervous, because I just didn't think that someone like you would take someone like me seriously.
It's true.
I just wondered, the whole time, what you looked like without those glasses.
May I? See? That is so much better.
When I look into your eyes, I see how deeply you feel things, and I understand why you had to do what you did to those girls.
- You do? - And now it can just be youand me.
Gah! Ahh! Jules, I'm coming! Oh, come on, you guys! Get a room.
Really? You see? Fake dating isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Had its moments.
You made out with a serial killer.
You made out with Lassiter.
Okay, I guess that makes us even.
Jules, I had a startling revelation this week.
Think I'm ready to co-habitate with someone.
Really? Someone? Yeah, I was gonna put an ad in Craigslist.
But, I mean, if you know somebody I'm wide open.
I, uh, like the way we fit.
And I'm not just talking about when we spoon it up half-moon style, although that's tight.
I think it's time that we moved in together.
That doesn't scare you? Thought about it, believe me.
I just realized that I haven't lived in the same apartment for more than three months since I met you.
Andhome should be wherever you are.
And the dogs that we're gonna get, relatively soon.
So wherever you and the fleet of pugs are that's where I want to be.
I feel the exact same way.
- About pugs.
- Good, good.
Because you can fit their little faces right in your mouth.
They just squish right in there.
Just eat their little faces right off.
So what made you so sure? I learned a lot this week, moving back in with my dad.
I-I learned you can't go back to your childhood home.
No, that's just a place that lives in your head.
No, I mean, literally, I can't go back to that house, ever, ever again, under any circumstances.
I saw my parents doing it.
What? - Yeah.
- You're kidding.
It was horrifying.
It was just a series of limbs.
Like, more limbs than made sense.
And old persons' skin and primal noises.
- Noises? - Noises like an aardvark.
I am so sorry.
You want to know something else crazy? Yes.
I'm going to kiss you on the mouth now.
Live with me.
Good-bye, single Gus.
I know I may have felt a little threatened by you and Rachel, at the beginning.
But I I am very happy for you.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
I only half-mean it.
I still feel a little threatened.
I know, but my relationship isn't quite where you and Juliet's are yet.
- But we're getting there.
- Easy, tiger.
Baby steps, right? These things are delicate.
Take it slowly.
Get to know each other.
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe break up.
Hey! Look who's here.
I'm not interrupting anything, am I? Not at all, not at all.
- We were sort of-- - Mmm.
That's fine.
Hello, boo.
Mmm, that's the sweet kind of kisses I was looking for.
"Hello, boo.
" You dot get to use boo, Shawn.
Oh, is that right? Well, look, Rachel, I just wanted to say that I'm not gonna be accusing you of murder again any time soon.
And I was wrong about you, and I'm sorry.
And it's clear that not everyone on the Internet is a liar and a thief and a harlot.
Thanks, and I want you to know that I recognize you and Gus pooped together.
You're a good friend, and I'd never interfere with that friendship.
I'm gonna go get some snacks.
Who'd like snacks? I'd love an apple, thanks.
I said snacks.
Whichmeans an apple.
You know this is weird.
I know it's a brand-new relationship, but I feel so close to you.
It's not weird.
I feel the same.
I feel comfortable, like I can tell you anything that I wouldn't have the courage to say to other guys, and certainly not so soon.
Boo, you can tell me anything you want.
I'm ready for it all.
Ooh! Hey, Max.
Gus, this is my son Maximus.
Maximus, as I've told you so many times, not to do it indoors on the floor.
All right, I found some Green Apple Jolly Ranchers, but that's the best that I can do.
Holy crap! Who's that?