Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - A Touch of Sweevil

You son of a bitch.
That's right, Professor Stein! You got bologna on your face, son! You got lunch meat.
Right on your face, kid! Dude, what are you doing? You know exactly what I'm doing.
Actually, I don't.
Today is the first Friday in the month of March.
Okay.
The day that Professor Bob Stein, paranormal forensic expert from the university of Santa Barbara, sends me a rejection letter to his annual cutting edge consultants convention.
Where supernatural police consultants from all over the country gather for a two-day panel and all receive major boosts to their career in the process.
Where have you been the last three years, man? Take it, Stein.
Shawn, I just met the woman of my dreams.
She works at Johnny Rockets.
Pimento in your mouth.
Dude, I just met my future bride.
She's working at a drive-through at Wienerschnitzel.
Now this is what's up, Stein.
What's up? Shawn, guess who I met walking into the gastroenterologist.
All caught up in whatever girl you were chasing around and creeping out.
But I'm here for you now.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
It doesn't fricking matter, Gus.
You know why? 'Cause Shawn Spencer-- that's me-- doesn't need Professor Bob Stein or his convention of frauds! Technically, you're a fraud.
If he wants to turn a blind eye to my skill set for four years running, then he can eat a hot steaming bowl of suck-it soup! You know why? Because guess what I make from scratch every morning, using only the freshest most organic ingredients local farms.
Suck-it soup? That's right, son.
Shawn, this is not a rejection letter.
It's an invitation.
What? Give me that.
That doesn't belong to you.
Oh, my God, Gus! I did it! I made it! Calm down.
I did it! Well, Detective Brannigan.
I can certainly see why the mayor insisted on me hiring you as our new head detective.
Okay.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't impressed with your file.
It's impeccable.
One of the finest press records I've ever seen.
Oh, you're too kind.
Look, um, full disclosure.
You were not my first choice for the position of head detective.
My former partner Juliet O'Hara was-- Yeah, I got the lowdown.
Amazing detective.
Intimidating.
Gray pantsuits, the whole nine yards.
Very big heels to fill.
I'm sorry, are you doing crafts on my table? Crafting, technically.
I am just an empty vessel for the universe to fill with whatever creative impulse it feels like expressing that day.
You like apple butter? I do not.
'Kay, now listen here.
I work super-duper hard.
And I always go by the book.
I am a team player.
And I always pack my own lunch.
I made this for you as a gesture of platonic kindness.
Did you see that? - See what? - Ha-ha! I have finally arrived, Gus! Look at my fans.
They're so sweet and respectful.
I'm pretty sure they're just students, Shawn.
It's okay, guys.
I put these boxer briefs on one leg at a time.
Shawn, Shawn Spencer.
Hello, I-- Please, no pics or autographs until I go through the works.
That's slang for hair and makeup.
Spanx.
Just a touch of bee pollen.
No, I'm Randall Fishbeck.
Assistant to Professor Stein.
- Oh! - Oh, of course you are! Up high, Fish! Please don't play with my name.
No can do.
Tip-top on the crowd control, Fishman.
I feel good.
I feel safe and secure.
Is there a greenroom, Randall? If so, I drink only vitamin water.
Not the sports drink, just regular Evian with crushed vitamins.
Flintstones chewables.
All Barneys.
Come on, man! All I wanted was a minute with Professor Stein, all right? I shouldn't have been DB'd, man! I was wrongfully DB'd! Hey, Fishfry, who's the crazy guy? That's James Earl Craig.
That's the voice of Darth Vader? That's James Earl Jones.
May the force be with you.
That's Sir Alec Guinness.
Huh.
I gotta see that flick again.
Well, it is just really sad, actually.
James Earl was LAPD's mind-reader consultant.
He helped solve many cases and was on our panel for several years.
What happened? Well, Professor Stein saw some red flags and discovered that he was a fraud.
He outed James Earl at last year's convention.
It was ugly.
Ruined his career.
Subsequently, LAPD cut him loose and he fell to pieces.
Fishtank, let me say this.
If I had one wish in the world, it would be that frauds get what they deserve and not go to heaven.
That and that they're sentenced to fly around in those mirrors from Superman II.
- Shawn-- - Frauds those dicks.
- Stop wishing.
- Sure.
Okay.
- Whaaaaat's up? - Come on, son.
Gentlemen, allow me to introduce the distinguished Professor-- Professor Stein! I'm here! Let the Shawn Spencer era begin.
I'm sorry, I don't shake hands.
Afraid you'll be penetrated by my magical psychic powers? That, and your hands are a cesspool of germs.
Mm.
Then perhaps we should hip-bump.
Mr.
Spencer, please say hello to your other panelists.
- Oh.
- That's Hazel Lazarus.
New Orleans PD's gifted Wicca consultant.
Witch.
I like that very much.
And the fanny pack is a nice touch.
This is a cingulum, which houses my incense, boline, and pentacle.
Amateur.
Hazel, let me just say that I think your magical sacred-circle ring is lovely.
This is a wedding ring, fool.
And Mr.
Garth Mathers.
Anchorage PD's ghost whisperer.
And of course, Bernie.
Bernie? Bernie is my most trusted entity.
And over the years he's become my closest friend.
Cut it out, Bernie.
I'm serious.
There's a ghost on the panel? Really? Really.
Bernie and I have assisted on 247 cases since '94.
Wow.
Professor Stein, it's time.
Ah.
Thanks, Guppy.
- Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Guppy? We've been calling him Randall.
Good old Randall, he's been with me since he was a little fish.
- Oh.
- Okay then.
I will go out and warm up the crowd.
And then I'll bring you out one by one.
Shall we? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ladies and gents, welcome to the 2014 cutting edge consultants convention.
We have an amazing panel of the country's top It's taken so long.
It feels so fricking sweet.
Yeah, sweet it is, but I think you better patch things up with Garth and Bernie.
They do not look happy.
It doesn't matter, Gus.
- It does matter.
- Ow! Uh, hey, Garth.
So how does one go about, you know, teaming up - with a ghost? - Yeah.
Bernie was a famous bear trapper in the Kodiak, in the 1830s.
Oh.
He also haunted my Aunt Junie's house up in Bethel.
Well, that is an interesting twist on "meet cute," huh? Enough, faker.
I'm sorry, I have to agree with Hazel here.
I'm talking about you! James Earl should be here instead of your charlatan ass.
He is a gifted mind reader and dear friend.
Stein got it wrong.
Yeah, I said it.
From New Orleans PD, Hazel Lazarus! Shawn, she just called you the devil.
Shake it off, man.
Shake it off.
And, all the way from Anchorage, Garth Mathers and his main spirit, Bernie.
Let's do this, Bernie.
- Go get 'em.
- Suck it, Bernie.
All right, listen, man, this is my time.
Gus, this is my moment.
You may have to hang back, 'cause I don't know if there's room on the sofa for you.
There's room on the sofa for me.
We hope there's room, but if there's not, you gonna have to lay horizontal at my feet, okay? Or go crisscross applesauce right in front of my knees.
That SBPD's resident psychic consultant is in fact the real thing! - Take it, it's yours.
- Here we go.
Ready? You ready? Please give a-- - Let's do this.
- Put it in your pipe and smoke it.
Boom! Aah! Let me hear it in the east! I know you can do better than that! - Dude.
- What? Oh.
- Somebody help this man! - Man.
I know you know that I'm not telling the truth I know you know they just don't have any proof embrace the deception learn how to bend your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end I know you know There's no shame in crying.
Come on, it's okay, Bernie.
Let it out, man.
Come on.
Oh, would you stop it? You hardly knew Stein.
I'm a sympathetic crier, Shawn.
It's a fricking ghost, Gus.
You can't see his face.
You can't see his tears.
Now, Brannigan, I'm not saying I want to hold your hand through this entire first case.
Hey, you hold it if it helps.
And don't be alarmed by the balminess.
Bernie, take a seat, take a seat.
Listen, you gotta get a hold of yourself, man.
You cannot use this as an excuse to fall off the wagon again.
What? Where are you going? - Where-- - Garth! - Bernie? - Guys! You know what? I'm not playing this game! A vision is coming soon to a crime scene near us all! Oh, sweet hell in a hardcart.
What is happening here? Just a regular Tuesday at the SBPD.
Oh, this can't be acceptable.
I have to corral this.
Lassie! Uhh! Lassie! Lassie, Lassie, Lassie.
- I'm very upset.
- Mm-hmm.
Because that witch is mean.
And the ghost cannot be trusted, because he has a drinking problem, and--hello.
Who is the girl next-door to your face? It's our new head detective.
Hi.
Betsy Brannigan.
It is such an honor to meet both of you.
Shawn.
Burton.
You know my name.
Our names.
Of course I do.
Now can I please remove the-- I know it sounds so silly but here it goes-- the ghost and the witch? Yeah, Lassie, seriously.
No, you come here.
I can't come there! I'm serious.
This time, I'm serious.
Brannigan, would you mind keeping an eye on the crime scene? I'm gonna have a quick word with these two gentlemen here.
- Sure.
- Thanks.
Up here.
I'm just gonna be one second.
Okay, Spencer.
Normally, I would arrest the witch, institutionalize the guy with the ghost, and not hire you.
- Flattering.
Keep going.
- Brannigan has got to go.
Her pure cane sugary-sweet nonsense is rotting my chompers, and I can't take one more second of it.
Yes, but the mayor made you hire her.
Yeah, but if she quits, then maybe I can hire O'Hara back.
Lassie, you're gonna have to talk to us like we're five.
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't you get it? We can drive her out.
All right, if all of us, myself included, embrace the ludicrousness of this case, then she will realize that she doesn't belong here.
This is not helping! Maybe she will leave on her own.
And by embrace, I mean that I'm gonna need you, and to some degree you, to go from your everyday drive-me-nuts level 10 antics of stupidity and kick it up to an 11.
Holy balls, everybody! Balls, Brannigan! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! And tequila! Gus, I'm trapped! Bernie! Bernie! I'm trapped in a bottle of tequila.
He's trapped in a bottle of tequila, everybody! Brannigan! I mean, uh, Brannigan, so, are you ready to start your very first investigation all proper like? I am ready to go, go, go, chief.
Great! Then you can go, go, go talk to your three consultants.
The thr--what? Everybody, back up! Calm down, calm down! Give the man some space.
He's warming it up.
- What? - Don't you get it? We have been given a gift from the ghost of Jack Webb.
My gut is telling me that the witch, the ghost whisperer, and our own very talented psychic are gonna help you wrap this case up in a neat, little bedazzled bow that I'm sure you can make by hand.
Well, yes, I can.
Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
You know, booze only numbs the pain temporarily, right? Excuse--excuse us.
Yes.
I know, we gotta go back to Pilates.
- What? - Okay.
Now clearly the ghost has a soft spot for the bottle, so I would start with him.
- The ghost, sir? - Oh, absolutely.
Then you might want to give an offering to the witch-- just a lock of your hair-- and finish strong with Spencer.
Ooh, who, it appears, is having one heck of a vision.
- Warm it up, Shawn! - I can see that.
My, oh, my, I do love watching that man work.
He made his wormhole, and now he's resting.
You can tell that ghost that I will slap him in the face! I wish you could feel what Bernie is doing right now! It doesn't even make any sense! Calm down! Calm down! Fantastic.
The whole team is here.
Chief, do you really think we need all three consultants in the morgue at the same time? Are you kidding me? You have three incredibly gifted paranormalists at your disposal.
Not to mention, arguably the finest coroner in the state of Califor-ni-a.
There's the Wood-man! - Here's that vial, Hazel.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry, you can't give that to a consultant.
Oh, no.
God, no, no.
That's my blood.
You see, Hazel here has graciously offered to undo a spell put on me by my mommy-- ahem, my mother-- years ago.
You can't see the effects.
The magic of clothes.
Who are you? And are you a fan of shotgun weddings? Um, I'm, I'm the new head detective, Betsy Brannigan, and I believe that love travels at varying speeds.
Well, Brannigan, believe it's obvious I have stacked the deck pretty heavily in your favor for your maiden voyage.
Try not to let it go terribly, terribly wrong.
Um, Bernie, always a pleasure, baby.
Mr.
Strode, uh, any, uh, thing thus far on your observations of the body? Sorry.
No! Ahem! Nothing, nothing so far.
I can solve this in a snap.
All I need is a lock of Stein's hair and one of his teeth.
Is that possible? - Got to say no to that one.
- We can solve it too.
As soon as Stein passes through to the afterlife.
Which, depending on traffic, could be, you know, soon.
Any chance it was a topical poison? I mean, check his hands.
Yes, all signs do point to poison.
All right, let's keep that on the down-low.
Excuse me.
Care to share with the class? It could be topical poison, check his hands.
- What? - Whoops! Ignore that.
Also ignore that this poison was given very close to his time of death.
Oops.
So you're saying that someone-- Nothing at all, I didn't say anything.
Come on, Gus.
We gotta beat those quacks to a clue.
There's got to be something in Randall's desk.
Professor Stein, it's time.
Thanks, Guppy.
Hey, Gus! Looks like Randall "The Guppy" is our killer.
Lassie! I've had a vision of who killed Stein.
Wonderful.
Sock it to me.
I need human energy! I need magic head! It's not enough! I'm melting.
Brannigan, join the chain! What exactly is happening here? I believe he wants to borrow some of your lifeforce.
Well get in there! Do you wanna solve the case or not? Come on, be a team player! I'm always a team player! Come on, Brannigan.
Oh! My power's coming back, Jack! Almost there.
Gus, flap it.
Gus, do it, flap it.
Lassie, join it, join it.
You're the cherry on the top of the sundae.
I do like cherries.
Igot it.
Stein's killer is-- Randall Fishbeck, Stein's assistant.
How did you know that? Well, you know, I got a tip a little bit ago.
And I dispatched a couple flatfoots.
Oh, there they are now.
Great job, guys! Man, we got lapped by the supernaturals? What are we doing? You gonna go in there and put the screws to Randall or what? No, I'm gonna let Brannigan.
I mean, it was her collar.
It's only fair I let her do the interrogation.
That's very thoughtful of you.
Let me in! - I solved this case! - Me too! - Bernie's already in there.
- Is he? - Yeah.
- Shh! Y'all can suck it! You can suck it! - Both of you.
- You suck it! Plus, since the tip came from a witch and a ghost, there's no way in hell this little weenie killed anybody.
I get to watch Brannigan publicly crash and burn.
Hmm.
What's it called when someone's being sweet and evil at the same time? - There isn't a word for it.
- Exactly.
This is our chance to finally create a word and get it in the damn dictionary.
Wait, wait, wait.
Give it to me.
Sweevil.
All right.
Hey, Randall.
- Hi.
- Detective Betsy Brannigan.
So, says here that you worked for the dearly departed Professor Stein for 15 years.
But he never gave you any recognition or credit? Not once, is that right? Yes.
I mean, no.
Uh-- I don't know.
Not in any of his articles or lectures.
And he dedicated his last book to his pet turtle Beauregard? I mean, come on.
On a personal note, that just must make your blood boil.
I mean, I know it would mine.
You're damn right it does! Beauregard never did squat! - What can a turtle do - Oh, hell, she is good.
It's gonna be tougher than I thought to get rid of her.
Bernie's in that interrogation room, you know! - What? - You said he was! - Oh! - Wait.
What? Did you hear that, Lassie? Bernie's in there with Brannigan.
Would you stop it? What? He's not supposed to be in there.
That is great thinking, Guster.
So after years of Stein's abuse, you finally snapped like a turtle! I mean, heck, anybody would.
So you put the poison in the one thing that you knew that that old, germophobic old man would need before he walked onto that filthy stage.
- Hand sanitizer! - I-- You put that hand sanitizer into his big furry mitt! - Didn't ya? - Yes! - Yes, Randall, yes! - But I-- what is he-- - there is a ghost in here.
- What? And he is not supposed to be! Chief, I was-- No, the rules of this department are very clear.
There are no consultants allowed in the interview room without the presence of an authorized shaman.
I'm talking to you, Bernie! You know this! All right? Now get outta here! Hang on.
Case closed.
Professor Stein, it's time.
Thanks, Guppy.
I'm not so sure about that, Gus.
Let me ask you this.
- Why would-- - Whoa.
Get up off me, Hazel! Calm down, just calm down.
All right, now check this out.
Why would Randall kill Professor Stein when he was finally about to get the recognition he so richly deserved? All right, well, thank you for nothing.
That was the lab.
Apparently the hand sanitizer bottle tested clean.
There was no trace of poison.
I guess it was discolored because it had expired six months ago.
Great.
So Randall's not a murderer.
He's just sloppy and nasty.
I'm not saying I'm angry.
I'm just disappointed.
I'm sorry, chief.
Hey, I think it's time for an intervention, Bernie.
- Alcoholism is no joke.
- Okay, superfriends.
Can we get back on track and find me a new suspect? Especially you.
Dude, if Randall didn't kill Stein, who else had motive? Come on, man! I just want a minute with Professor Stein, man! James Earl Craig, the mind reader.
The guy that Stein outed as a fraud last year.
He was gonna drag him through the mud again this year.
I can't understand you.
You're slurring your words! Ames Jarl? James Earl! Good boys.
Good boys.
You know you just heard me say that.
You just took that from us! There is no way Earl did this.
He is a gifted, gentle soul.
I'm not wasting my time.
I will consult the spirits, and then I will be at the spa getting my feet done.
- You don't know-- - Corns.
Dude, please tell me you know where to find James Earl.
You're in luck.
Randall! Turn that frown upside down, man.
We know you didn't kill Professor Stein.
Really? Thank you.
You're very welcome.
But we do need to find James Earl Craig as soon as possible.
Now do you know at what hotel he is staying at? What hotel? He's totally destitute.
Hmm.
Come on, man! I just want a minute with Professor Stein, man! Dude, I think I know where he is.
Okay, what is this animal's name again? No, wait, don't tell me.
Whiskers.
Max? Princess? - Pricilla? Patches? Pumpkin? - Yes! Yes! Did he just say "Pumpkin" to him? - Got that name pretty quick.
- Maybe he's the real deal.
I suppose that's why I happen to have a drawing of one in my pocket.
That looks nothing like a pumpkin.
Hey, I'm a mind reader, okay? Not an artist.
Then again-- excuse us.
- Nice cat.
- Bad sweater.
We have a very important matter to discuss with you, James Earl Craig.
Mainly, how you poisoned Professor Stein.
Not here.
We can talk in my place.
- This is where you live? - Please.
Of course not.
This is my place.
This part of the beach is virtually abandoned.
And it's just temporary.
Brought all my stuff up here to Santa Barbara while I try to clear my name.
Is that table from Z Gallerie? - Yeah.
- Wow.
This stall is nicer than my apartment in college.
You know you lived at home.
I'm just trying to be nice, Shawn.
Let's get down to brass tacks, James Earl.
- We think you poisoned Stein.
- Interesting.
Why would I do that when his blessing is the only thing that could possibly get my career back on track? The career you lost when he outed you as a fraud last year.
Stein branded me a hoax, because I was getting lazy.
Instead of reading minds, I was merely relying on my keen powers of observation.
You should be ashamed of your damned self.
I came up here to prove to Stein that I've rededicated myself to my craft.
But I couldn't get near him.
I went to his office, they threw me out.
I went to his house, but he was, you know, shacked up with some harlot.
Harlot? What harlot? I don't know, I never got a good look at her.
- Stein's house, you say? - Mm-hmm.
- All right, let's-- - I know, I know.
I'm still a suspect, and don't leave town.
Yeah, I'm that good.
Wait, this house was on the Santa Barbara episode of Ghost Hunters.
It's supposed to be haunted.
Hmm.
Well, it's a good thing we don't believe in that kind of nonsense.
What? Haven't we proven on several occasions that there's no such thing as ghosts? - Yes.
- So what's the problem? The problem is this house may be haunted.
- I see.
- Mm-hmm.
Man, this place gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Gives me the drab-bies.
This guy should hire James Earl Craig as his interior decorator.
The things that guy can do to a public can, huh? Dude, I think Beauregard is dead.
Nah, man, he's just chillin'.
He's doing his thing.
Beauregard is chillin'! Dude got to save up his juice.
Mating season.
He's a player.
'Cause turtles'll do their thing, man.
They seem all slow and docile under their shells What? But then they stick their little necks out, and they're like, "What's up? I'm ready to get down!" That's how they talk too.
Professor Stein's bedroom.
Where all the magic happens.
Meaning that this is where Professor Stein-- Shawn.
Specter detecter, Shawn.
You just got ghost-tagged.
It's an alarm in case of spectral activity.
You'd know these things if you'd watch Ghost Hunters.
But you do watch Ghost Hunters.
Yes, I do.
And you couldn't have warned my ass? No, I could not.
This is a wedding ring, fool! - Gus, it was Hazel! - What? Come in here, I'll show you.
- I'm not coming in there! - Start breaking the case.
You must think I'm stupid.
She was having an affair with Stein.
What? That's why he keeps her around, even though she's obviously a fake.
We gotta get back to the SBPD.
What the hell was that? Gus? I guess I'm just finding it a little unsettling, all this psychic-- - Chief! - Hmm? What? Have you not heard a word I said? About what? The spirits have spoken And that witch Hazel is our "killa.
" She was shtupping Stein.
He was all, "Hazel, I love you.
" And she was all, "How 'bout you just be the professor of getting up on this?" And then he was all, "How 'bout I tell your husband about us?" Who we think might be a warlock.
They're known to be the jealous types.
Oh, come on, Gus.
We don't know for sure that he's a warlock.
No.
No, I am definitely feeling warlock.
Warlock.
Okay, so Hazel was shtupping Stein.
And she didn't want to ruin her marriage.
So she killed him to keep him quiet.
- That's our theory, chief.
- I love it.
No, that's a bit of a stretch.
See, Hazel believes in Wicca, an ancient philosophy that regards all life as sacred.
So killing anything would be anathema to her very core, don't you know? How does she know stuff like that? - Ooh.
- No! No, the witch is definitely our perp.
She's probably already on her broom and halfway out of this city.
Brannigan, I need you to contact air traffic control, tell them to be on the lookout.
- I'm sorry, for what? - For the witch on the broom.
Do you really need me to do that? If you want to catch the killer.
Also, put out an APB.
We still do those, right? Okay, this is exactly what I was talking about.
The, you know Hmm? Okay.
God, she's on the ropes.
O'Hara's as good as back.
Oh! Just got a text from Randall.
I bet you that he has evidence that implicates the witch.
Well, gosh, golly, you should probably get over there, don't you know? It's over, Hazel! You had an affair with Professor Stein.
You let him get allup under that cingulum.
And then you killed him because he was gonna tell your husband.
- The warlock.
- My husband's a CPA.
Really? I told you she wasn't married to a warlock.
Let me ask you this.
Is it an automatic red flag if I take the home office deduction? I have no idea.
I knew it.
He's a warlock.
You killed Stein to keep him quiet.
And then Randall "Guppy" Fishhook found out, and you killed him too.
Mm-hmm.
- Caww! - Ma'am, calm down.
Aah I admit I was having a fling with Stein.
Nothing serious.
I have a thing for incontinent men.
Don't you judge me.
Anyway, I just came to apologize to Randall for having him arrested.
But when I got here he was already dead.
You got to come up with something better than that.
We know sweevil, baby.
Sweevil? It's just a word Gus and I created from scratch! - Mm-hmm.
Sweet - Equal parts.
And evil.
We're hoping to get it into the next edition of Webster's.
- You know what? - What? That is pretty cool.
We know.
We doin' our thing.
Oh! No! Gosh! Oh! This is not gonna reflect well on us.
We just need to get our story straight.
Hazel turned me into a rubber tree.
And I was a chicken.
What? A chicken.
Yeah, and when the spells wore off, she was long gone.
But I still have the urge to scratch and peck.
And push out big ol' eggs.
Not big ol' eggs, Shawn.
Well, I, for one, am just so glad that you both made it back into human form fully intact.
Thanks, Lassie, we're still ashamed.
Wait, you're serious? You believe their story? Why wouldn't I? He's moving his head like a chicken.
Well, yeah, there's bound to be some residual effect.
Okay, I guess I just don't know what to believe anymore, least of all my own judgment.
But, I mean, I was sure that Hazel was innocent.
Hmm.
All right, I'm gonna go back to the station and--and rethink things.
Uh, maybe everything.
I-- Don't beat yourself up too much.
We were so close.
Just one more act of outrageous, nonsensical buffoonery, and she will turn in her badge and run for the hills.
Yeah.
I can't believe I'm the one that's gonna say this, but shouldn't we be focusing on solving the case? Yes.
Yes, we should.
Speaking of which, Woody found traces of cyanide in Stein's blood.
So the poison wasn't topical, it was ingested.
I'm guessing it was the same method used on old Randall.
She's gone.
You can stop pecking.
Look, we need to find Hazel.
Well, I've already alerted highway patrol and Amtrak and airport security.
Hazel's trapped in the city.
She's got nowhere to go.
James Earl should be here instead of your charlatan ass.
He is a gifted mind reader and a dear friend.
Actually, Lassie, she does.
- Hazel! - Hazel! We know you're in there! I got it, I got it.
- What the hell? - Whoa! Oh, my gosh.
- What are you doing? - Sorry, sir.
Get out of here! - As you were.
- Carry on.
- As you were.
- Get out! - Must be European.
- What? - Nothing.
- Look.
James Earl's stuff was gone.
You think he went back to L.
A.
? Yes! Damn it! Must have gone back to the City of Angels! Back to his home-sweet-storm drain! We just missed him, Gus! Dang! Damn it! How'd you find me? Spirits told me you were here.
- And the spirits don't lie.
- Mm-hmm.
And I'm gonna call Lassie and tell him that we found our murdering witch.
No, she didn't do it.
- Shh! - Shh! Nobody's talkin' to you.
Oh, man.
- Hazel's innocent.
- What? She's not plotting her escape, Gus.
She's in here with James Earl trying to figure out who the real killer is, clear her name.
I like what you did with the new place.
Oh, yeah, thanks, it turned out nice.
Pretty good, I gotta say.
I'm the best there ever was, witchie-poo.
I'm also superman enough to admit when the spirits are wrong.
They were.
The only thing you're guilty of is cheating on your husband.
That poor cuckolded warlock.
I told you, he's an accountant.
What did we miss? Hazel didn't do it, Garth.
We're back to square one.
Well, yeah, yeah.
What's Bernie saying? Bernie says he knew Hazel didn't do it the whole time.
And he wonders where a brother can get a 40 around here.
What? You know what, the minute we get back to Anchorage, you're going into a 12-step program.
Calm down, Bernie.
Just calm down! Dang.
He passed out.
Okay, guys, can we please just stop all of this ridiculous grandstanding? I mean, look at us.
We are talented crime solvers, all.
Except James Earl.
Right, he got debunked last year.
- He did, he did.
- Even the made-up guy.
We should be working together.
Now let's unite.
Like a sad version of The Avengers.
Let's head back to the police station, let's clear Hazel's decent name, and let's solve this damn thing! You coming or what, Garth? We'll meet you there.
- Bernie's throwing up.
- Oh, boy.
Come on, buddy.
There they are! Nice work, Spencer.
Hazel Lazarus, you are under arrest - for the murder of-- - She's innocent, Lassie.
- Mm-hmm.
- Huh? Based on what? A little lotion, a little potion, and a whole lotta this.
Yeah, but Spencer, I do not have time for your monkeyshines nor your shenanigans.
I need verifiable evidence.
Fine.
I'm sure Woody pinpointed the time at which Randall "The Kingfisher" Fishbeck was poisoned.
Yeah, between - I was with James Earl Craig.
- At his residence.
Fine.
What's the address? - Leadbetter beach.
- Mm-hmm, public restroom.
Mop closet.
Of course it is.
Can anyone at least verify your alibi? A lot of heavy men in swimtrunks.
I'm pretty sure she's clean.
This whole story seems outrageously ridiculous! Which is why I need you to repeat it word-for-word in front of Brannigan.
Okay, Lassie, may I have a word? What are we doing? She's out there.
I'll just--I'll call her in, and you can say it.
Do you think it's possible that maybe, just maybe, you're trying a little too hard to push Betsy out? I mean, her name is Betsy.
No! No, I do not! She is on the ropes.
Listen to me.
I already saw a request for a transfer on her desk, it was halfway filled out! She's on the cusp! We need to push her over! Let's close this son of a bitch! I need you to kick it up to 15.
No.
It's impossible.
It's too dangerous.
Look, any jackassery above a level 12 and Gus breaks into Reese's pieces.
It's true.
It's a risk I'm willing to take.
- What? - That is cold-blooded.
Oh, Detective Brannigan.
A moment of your very, very valuable time, please.
It would appear that we still have a killer on the loose.
We're here! We're here! Excelente! Our entire team of crack consultants is ready to go.
At this moment, I would like to turn things over to our very gifted psychic, Mr.
Shawn Spencer.
Okay, y'all.
Let us all summon our collective powers and make magic as we have ne'er made it before.
Your shoes? Really? It is an offering to the spirits.
Gus, I need you on bass.
Hazel, you're on "Uuuhs.
" Fugee type "Uuuhs"? Are there any other kind? I can do whatever I want.
Spirits - Spirits - Spirits Sorry to wake you - Wake you - Wake you We need you to tell us - Tell us - Tell us Who killed that dude and the other dude too And also the first dude Spirits Bernie's harmonizing.
Tell him to suck it - Suck it - Suck it He's a baritone.
Put your filthy hands in the middle, girl - Middle - Middle You too, Brannigan.
Give me some, team Team, team, team, team, team, team, team, team, team, team, team, team, team, team - Who are you? - Oh! That's recently-discredited mind reader James Earl.
He's a homeless man.
I love it! You're in! Team, team, team Whoa.
Team, team, team, team, team, team-- - Gus! - What? What? Show some respect, man.
Remember, you're a fighter! - He's a fighter, right? - Yes, he is.
Hang in, James Earl.
It's okay, you'll land on your feet.
You're gonna be just fine, Earl.
What? Tell me? Oh, you wanna go high fives? We can go-- Bernie haunted my Aunt Junie's place up in Bethel.
That and your hands are a cesspool of germs.
I was wrongfully DB'd! - Hazel.
- Hmm? Have you ever been DB'd? Are you crazy? Only the frauds get debunked.
- Hells yeah, they do.
- Yeah.
Okay, everybody, back up.
Give the man some room.
Calm down.
He's having a vision, people.
Calm down.
He thinks he's in Philly right now, but wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
He realizes he's not in Philly, and he's ready to go.
I know who the killer is.
Or should I say "killers"? It was you, Garth, who poisoned Professor Stein, wasn't it? And perhaps Bernie, the ghost, gave an assist while downing a highball of Woodford reserve, neat, water back.
The man's delusional.
You slipped into his lab and spiked his tea, didn't you? 'Cause you knew you were about to be exposed as a fraud.
Or as the supernatural folk like to call it, debunked, or DB'd for short.
Gus, have I made that part clear? Yes, you did! Just like Professor Stein did to Earl last year, you saw that it ruined him, and you weren't about to let that happen.
Okay.
Now Bernie and I are officially offended.
Well, you shouldn't be.
I put a lotta thought into this.
You figured it out before the convention, didn't you? And you knew that the cops would go after the dude with the most motive to commit the murder.
And that was James Earl.
Isn't this amazing to watch? Yeah, amazing.
Admittedly, it took us a while to get on to Earl.
First, we thought it was good old Randall.
Turns out, he just had "red herring" scribbled across his socially awkward face.
He figured out the truth but he couldn't tell a soul because you poisoned his tea too.
Is everyone following this? Brannigan, how you doing down there? I'm doing great, thanks.
You and Bernie Brazenly decided to stay put right here in Santa Barbara, solve Professor Stein's murder, take all the credit, and frame an innocent man for the crimes you committed.
Are you finished with this nonsense yet? I think so, Garth.
I think I'm close.
God, I hope so.
We thought it was Hazel, but Detective Brannigan was dead-on-balls accurate.
She's no murderer.
She just has a touch of sweevil.
What's up, son? How you like me now, Bernie? How you like me now? And then we circled all the way back to Earl.
Gifted, homeless, interior decorating mind reader that he is, you poisoned him just as he uncovered the truth.
But not before he wrote some pretty damning evidence on his mitts.
Is everything I just said right, Garth? Bernie? Shawn, I owe you an apology.
It turns out you are the real deal.
And I hate to say this, but I strongly suspect that Bernie did it! Well, good luck selling that to the jury.
Yeah.
Brannigan, care to do the honors? With pleasure, sir.
Boom! That's how we do it, people.
Every case, every week.
And sometimes, we do it like this.
What? What? Lassie, you look positively sweevil.
Well, that might be because I just saw Brannigan's transfer request.
It's completely filled out, just awaiting my signature.
- That girl is good as Gonzo.
- Well, congratulations, man.
I have to say I feel a little bad about it.
Boo-hoo.
Detective Brannigan! Penny for your thoughts? Well, sir, I know that I have hid it well, but, um, this last week has been a little hard on me.
- Really? - Yep.
Watching you fellas operate for the past few days, uh, it's kinda kooky.
And most folks would try and hide that level of tomfoolery, but, uh, you didn't.
No.
No, we let our tomfoolery hang all out here.
Yes.
So, uh, I tried to work through it, and, uh, to the conclusion that, uh it works! Finally, I have found a place where I can feel free to come out and be my true self.
I place where I don't have to hide my peccadilloes.
And believe me, I got a lotta peccadilloes! No, look, Brannigan-- those are Colt 1911s.
That's what I carry.
Yes, and I got names for 'em.
This one here is Belle Starr.
And this little beauty is Beatrix Kiddo.
Whoa! It's so freeing! I mean, I know that you probably think that I am completely objective, but I'm far from impartial.
I always assume that everyone's guilty.
Always! Even if a court frees them, even if someone else confesses later.
And at night, before I drift off to dreamy land, I've got a wall of suspects right up there next to my cat paintings because it centers me and gives me sweet, sweet dreams.
Brannigan, I have underestimated you and your choice in sidearms.
It's a heck of an honor to be on the team, sir.
Your team.
Gentlemen, I am home.
- Gimme some sugar! - Whoa.
Sugarwhat? - What was that? - Mama--mama sugar.
- Mama sugar.
- What? You know what? Deep down, I knew it wasn't gonna get O'Hara back.
But on the bright side, I think Brannigan might work out.
Excuse me.
Lassiter has a clone.
She may be part banshee.
And we have to work with the both of them.
Man.