Psych Episode Scripts

N/A - The Break Up

All right.
Uh, it all started last week, with the new job.
So you get this? To keep? Not to keep.
It's a company car.
But you can drive it whenever you want as fast as you can with full diplomatic immunity? Do you understand how a company car works? - It is jet-black.
- Like me.
Holy living-- soda fountain! - Gus, that's fully functional.
- Yep.
And you're certain that this stuff I'm eating is flaxseed? I think they mill it with cinnamon or something.
Don't use your hand, okay? Oh, my God, Gus.
You have found the only healthy thing that ever tasted good, ever.
And you have an endless supply right here in your new office kitchen.
I know.
Come on.
These guys were our biggest rivals.
I knew them from college.
Oh, thanks.
We are out of this stuff, though.
Three weeks vacation, yearly retreat in Belize.
But here's the best part.
She loves reggae, brought jerk chicken to the potluck, and rereads Harry Potter once a year to keep herself centered.
You move fast, my friend.
Her name is "Love," literally.
Well, her middle name, but literally.
And she's single.
And how many times have you spoken? None.
I got it off her company bio, and I follow her anonymously on Instagram.
Is this a little creepy? It could be interpreted that way, yes.
That's when I knew.
That's-- that's when it became clear.
You know, that's when it became real.
That's not true.
It didn't become real until I said it out loud.
I've made a decision.
About next weekend? Are you not coming up? 'Cause I can come down.
You're not driving down.
Shawn, what's wrong? I can't do this anymore.
It's too hard.
It's-- it's frickin' impossible.
What are you saying? I am saying that I'm going to move up there to be with you.
- You're closing Psych.
- Yes.
A man can follow a woman because he loves her, okay? There is no rule or law against that.
And if there was, I would break it, and it wouldn't be quiet.
I would do it brazenly and out in the open.
Are you sure this is right? Oh, sweetheart, it is so right.
I have never been so sure about anything.
I-I listed my motorcycle on amishswap.
I already have offers - for a mountain pie maker - What? And a water-powered butter churn.
Oh, my God, this is happening.
This is really happening.
What did Gus say? Shawn? Shawn? I haven't actually told him yet.
I know you know that I'm not telling the truth I know you know they just don't have any proof embrace the deception learn how to bend your worst inhibitions tend to psych you out in the end Gus, sometimes in this life, there are things that are just so difficult to say, you know? I'll give you an example.
I ate all the food in your earthquake emergency barrel.
You raided my emergency kit? Yes--no, not me.
I didn't-- no, someone raided it, and damn it, we're gonna find them, and we're gonna make them pay.
Shawn, I took a year stocking that thing.
That's why I'm so upset that the same dude used all the blankets to make a desk fort.
- Shawn-- - Gus, listen.
You're such a sensitive soul.
A very, very sensitive soul.
Now, I need you to brace yourself for some truly disturbing news.
- Spencer, what the hell? - I don't know.
Lassie, I'm not-- I don't know.
I'm completely freaked out, if that helps.
Get your ass up.
We got a dead body to go see.
I had all the right intentions.
What I didn't have was a plan, until that moment.
Yes, yes, I love that idea.
I love that idea.
Let's get up--let's go see the life sucked out of a hapless victim.
Got that list of junior detectives for you to peruse.
Already have.
No, thanks.
"No, thanks?" If it's all the same to you, I work alone.
Always have.
Not always by choice.
Sometimes by court order, but alone.
- That's my lot.
- Don't do it.
Working alone is the saddest of all situations.
I'm sorry, Lassie.
This isn't nearly as grisly as I was hoping for.
Are there any other crime scenes in the area? Dude, what is this bad news I have to brace myself for? Not yet.
You're not prepared.
Shawn, you know you can't just tell me there's bad news and not tell me.
You know what my head will do.
I know.
Your sweet, sensitive dome.
Warren Dern.
Single, successful, no local next of kin.
The I.
on his cell was his best friend.
I have him here right now.
Yes, we knew each other since grade school.
This situation is nothing like ours.
I understand Mr.
Dern was also your business partner? We were partners.
Prestige real estate.
Until he split off on his own this year.
Permission to treat this man as hostile, please? I'm sorry.
Who is this man? My name is Shawn Spencer.
This is my partner-- I can't do it.
Sir, can you tell me why he left the company? He wanted to move on to a new chapter in life, which I found strange because we were doing so well.
Oh, my God.
We had a great partnership and a great friendship, and apart, we'll never really be the same.
Okay, I'm sorry, sir, could you just-- could you just give your statement outside and leave all of this flowery, heartfelt stuff out of it, please? Spencer, what the hell is wrong with you? This man is manipulating our emotions and making us feel bad about our own personal relationships.
I mean, how do we know he didn't do it? Because the body has been dead for two hours, and we picked him up at a fund-raiser.
Okay, Brannigan, did anyone else see him there? Yeah, about 300 people and my wife.
Are we sure we don't wanna drag her pasty ass downtown? I beg your pardon? Okay, Brannigan, would you please take over the scene? Spencer, would you join me outside? What? What? You wanna tell me what this is all about? You wouldn't understand in a zillion years.
You're moving to San Francisco to be with O'Hara, and you don't know how to tell Guster.
Okay, two things: What? And what? I was head detective for a reason, you know.
You thought you could get Guster off kilter by getting him close to a dead body and that would soften the blow.
Well, when you say it like that, it is awfully callous.
He's my best friend in the universe.
How are you supposed to break up with your best friend? You don't take him someplace that's gonna make him sad or uncomfortable.
You take him someplace that's gonna make him happy, filled with happy memories-- good memories.
Memories that can't be tainted by a selfish, inconsiderate act of abandoning your oldest friend in the world.
Oh, Lassie.
I--you just saved my life.
Oh, God.
Let go of me, or I will shoot you.
Jesus, come here.
Look who's a big boy now, huh? There's my big boy.
Get out of here, seriously.
Odd as it may seem, that was the wisest advice that Lassiter had ever given.
To me or anyone, for that matter.
So there was dirt on the floor and dirt deep in the fingernails of our victim.
There were scratches on the hands and cuts.
There were traces of dirt from head to toe.
So we can reasonably assume he was rushing to uncover something or-- He was actually pig-pen using the alias "Warren Dern.
" Thank you.
Anything else? There was also scat? Yes, raccoon! I eyeballed that at the crime scene.
- There were traces of moss? - Three types.
- Did you get the mushroom? - What mushrooms? Tiny fragments of mushroom under the nails mixed in with the moss and the dirt.
I only mention it because it's rare.
Called a playa.
Yeah, bright, colorful, cute as a button, tastes like ass.
All right, now just-- just work with me, okay? So I took the time here to circle the areas where raccoons might run free.
I'm never going outside again.
And then these are the subsets where the moss types could grow.
But you factor in this delectable little beauty.
This right here is where our victim was digging, give or take 40 yards.
Well done, Brannigan.
Thank you, sir.
I live to serve.
Shawn, this woman might make us obsolete.
No, we've got absolutely nothing to worry about, Gus.
Found it! - What? - Now, I am a little confused as to what would fit in a hole this small.
Betsy, this is where we come in.
See, I am sensing that this hole is ideal for a standard-sized pirate's chest.
Shawn, that's ridiculous.
The ground is damp.
It's obvious that our guy was searching for and found the fountain of youth.
Oh, Gus, you're clearly not accounting for the possibility of the lost city of Atlanta.
- Atlantis.
- Well, I've heard it both ways.
- And they're both wrong.
- One of them was yours.
- Uh, they're kidding, right? - Unfortunately, no.
Excuse me, can we at least do a background check to see if there's a chance that our digger is 900 years old? That feels more reasonable.
Dude, I am missing work.
- Get us in the game.
- Okay.
There's two sets of prints here.
All right, now our guy is a 10 1/2, but the other set is a 12.
So that means, based on the weight imprint, that his partner is a 6-footer, give or take.
Well, Spencer, it was very nice knowing you, but I think we've got it from here.
What? - Thi-- - This road has a tollbooth with a camera.
So it took her approximately seven minutes to get the picture of our dead guy and his unknown "coconspirator" sitting right there in the front seat.
Dern and his coconspirator paid with a $50 bill.
No usable prints.
Oh, good, because I was sensing-- But the bill was crisp enough that I thought it might have been recently fed from an ATM.
So I cross-checked a few cameras outside local banks.
There is no way that could have worked.
Not this fast.
Name: Klaus Goedecke.
Size 12 wide.
Rapidly improving rap sheet.
Recently made a sizable cash deposit.
Well, at least it was just a name and one bank deposit, so I still had a little more time to break the news.
Gordon Mark Hotel, room 418.
Who's coming with me? I guess we are.
Yeah, and just-- just for the record, this woman does not need a partner.
I don't even know if she needs a police department.
All right, Gus, before we go in there and solve our last case ever-- Whoa, whoa, Shawn, stop.
- Last case? - Ugh.
Man, I-I think that the writing is on the wall for everything in our lives.
Okay, okay, I think I know what's happening here.
Look, Shawn, I may finally have the job that I deserved since I left college.
I may have a sweet company car that has a navigation unit that can be set to "tacos.
" But know this, I will not let that or anything else come between us.
Goedecke, it's SBPD! We are coming in.
This case is gonna be over in 30 seconds, and if you don't know before it ends, the window's gonna close-- - Aw, crap.
- He's already dead.
Wait a minute, you can set your navigation to "tacos"? Love.
That's my middle name.
How did you know? Please be good to him.
- To who? - My best friend.
And he's gonna need someone to take care of him.
Someone kind, someone understanding, like you.
He's fragile, you know? He has night terrors, and he cries a lot, but that's just because he has an extra chamber in his heart.
I believe scientists call it-- call it the compassion chamber.
Oh, my God, are you okay? I'm so sorry.
She's amazing.
My best friend is gonna be just fine.
I'm sorry.
Who are you? Oh, I'm Shawn.
I'm Gus's best friend.
Who's Gus? Hmm.
Maybe not today.
But eventually.
Look at you.
You're so handsome.
- You are handsome.
- Thank you, Mr.
I'll get right on it.
So I need it on my desk by the morning.
I gotta get over to Bosseigh High before dark.
- Oh, wow, you too? - Me what? I like to go to Bosseigh High when the place is empty.
Best days of my life.
I walk around and get perspective.
My troubles melt away.
Well, I finally had the venue for the bad news, at least.
Solve the case, memory lane.
Plus I am almost positive I still have a whatchamacallit bar in my locker.
So you're saying you like to go down to a high school and hang out? No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
You know, I like being there.
It clears my mind, like you.
I was going for my son.
You have a son in high school? We're the same age.
How is that possible? How do you not have kids, man? Childbearing is a very limited window.
Oh, no.
Kids are a big thing.
I just wanted to get things lined up.
Retirement plan, time-share.
I'm looking at a house.
Really? Where? - Downtown.
- That's my neighborhood.
- Do you garden? - Do I garden? Do agapanthus have basal leaves? Good one.
Well, I got a real estate guy if you're looking for someone.
I have an agent.
I have an agent.
How did I not know any of that? I gotta go, buddy.
Take it easy, bud.
Hey, man.
We should probably get going.
- I just got here.
- It's never been more important for us to score a win here, Gus.
This could be our last case.
Okay, give me two hours.
Brannigan'll have the murderer on trial by then.
- Okay, 90 minutes.
- 4 minutes.
- One hour and 15.
- 4 minutes and 5 seconds.
- One hour.
- Four minutes.
- You can't go backwards.
- Fine.
4 minutes, 12 seconds.
That's not a negotiation.
- 43 minutes, 42 seconds.
- Done.
But you clean this mess up.
I didn't do that.
Do you guys have to-go containers? Hey, hey.
Don't worry, bud.
I got it.
Papa bear.
Can't solve your problem today, Shawn.
I am here simply to say hello to my maker.
Yeah, well, then you can help me.
I got roped in to filling in for a criminology course at the college for a stupid ex-partner who went and let his liver fail.
Come on, dad, you've never been afraid of anything in your whole life.
Yeah, I'm just unsure of the rules.
Let me ask you, how much are you allowed to scream, huh? Why don't you go with medium loud and keep your belly button covered no matter what? Sound advice.
I need to go.
Gotta buy bullets.
Dad, wait! You're--you're right.
I do need something.
I have to deliver some pretty bad news, and--and I can't quite figure out a way in.
Are you breaking up with Juliet? What? No, of course not.
Listen, I-I can't mess this one up.
Not this one.
It's--it's too important.
Just be straightforward.
It's always about the state of mind.
Do you know the day your mother told me she was leaving was the day I solved the Jeannie Codron kidnapping? Best professional day of my life ever.
Did it take the sting off? I don't know.
But at least I knew that not everything in my world was wrong.
That's good.
That's good, dad.
I g--yeah, I get it.
Every time we solve a case, we dance, right? I didn't say to dance, Shawn.
No, but you told me to solve the case.
I always tell you to solve the case.
I love you, kid.
All right.
Come on, let go.
That's good.
Jesus, dad, why do you still have that picture? That guy shot you, point-blank.
I know it probably seems like I'm just jumping from idea to idea, but this one truly does feel like the best.
But first, I needed to solve the case.
There's nothing Brannigan missed.
There has to be.
There always is.
Name: Klaus Goedecke.
Size 12 wide.
Rapidly improving rap sheet.
Recently made a sizable cash deposit.
Stop thinking so hard.
You're gonna pop a blood vessel.
Hey, you remember that gun case that was right over there on the floor? Yeah, it was a pelican pick and pluck.
- A what? - A pelican pick and pluck - pistol pack.
- Somebody brought a pelican pick and pluck pistol pack on a cross-country trip? It's plausible.
Gus, what if it wasn't a criminal? What if he was a hit man? Someone murdered a hit man without breaking in? - He let 'em in.
- It was someone he knew.
Yes, Gus, yes! This wasn't a robbery.
Somebody was looking for something.
Oh, hello.
My name is this.
A treasure map.
Whoever came here and killed the hit man was looking for this.
We found the hole already, and it was empty, and I'm pretty sure it didn't lead to the fountain of youth.
- Okay.
- Wait a second.
The hole we found was somewhere different.
They were digging in the wrong place! - Yes! - What, what, what, what, what! Now punch me in the face.
Hit me.
Hit me as hard as you can.
- With your right fist.
- What? - Everything you got.
- I'm not doing that, Shawn.
Man, you got problems.
I deserve it.
Maybe we should call the cops.
Only good things happen when we dig for stuff.
Shawn, we dug our own grave.
Yes, but that was in Mexico.
It doesn't count.
- Gus, look.
- What? The soil's been disturbed.
The map says this is it.
- Dude.
- Whoa.
- What? - Before we get all dirty, let's just take a--let's take a moment to savor this.
Do you wanna tell me what you've been avoiding saying? You can tell me anything.
I suck! You know, Gus, we really should discuss how much of this treasure we're gonna keep.
Half, maximum.
Unless, of course, there's a talisman with invisibility properties.
Your turn.
No, no, I want you to be the one who finds it.
Really? This is your moment, Gus.
After all, it was you who has steadfastly held true to the belief that someday, we would, in fact, discover treasure and hoard it all for ourselves.
I mean, it feels like-- like closure.
Dude, I hit something.
Closure that represents changing of the guard, perhaps.
- It's big.
- Not who we are as men.
And certainly not what our friendship means, but-- This is exciting! I mean, you could argue that this is the pinnacle of our careers, I mean, we've discovered treasure.
How are we gonna top that? I don't think we can, Gus.
I've made a decision-- It's a skeleton! How do you know it's not a mermaid? It's not a mermaid! Who am I kidding? Our high school.
Much better place to give the speech.
- Hey, Wood.
- Hey, Shawn.
Are we keeping the police out of this? Just for a brief moment.
Victim's name is Chris Cheramie.
Killed by nine M&Ms.
That's impossible.
You're right.
That seems low.
Yeah, sprayed by a handful of bullets.
Was he killed by a hit man? Well, it would have to be a really bad one.
The bullets are distributed all over the body.
And, you know, a 9-millimeter pistol, it's just not-- it's not sexy.
Unless Gael Garcia Bernal is holding it.
Shawn, Chris Cheramie was a land speculator.
He came to town to bid on a property and never made it to the auction.
Guess who won the auction.
- Warren Dern.
- And his partner Ian Collins.
- Boom! - What? - Whoo, whoo, whoo.
- Whoo! That's right.
Same bastard who ruined my first chance of breaking the news with his "dedicated friend" routine.
- Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! - Why are we doing this? 'Cause we know who the killer is it's Ian Collins it's, it's Ian Collins That's right, we were partners, and then he left this year.
And I thought that was a surprise.
But Warren wanted out, and his best "friend," Ian, didn't like that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Gus.
So quick to judge.
Breakups are hard, Gus.
Sometimes, circumstances dictate more than personal choice.
What are you talking about, Shawn? Woody, can you give us an hour before you let anyone know about this? Perfect.
I needed some time to sneak out the flaxen-haired hit man's jacket.
You want the clothes he was killed in? Two things: I don't have any hit-man clothes.
And this jacket accentuates both my spring features and my third shoulder blade.
I just have to make sure that I can dry-clean out the stain on the sleeve.
I have identified it as, uh, brake dust or a really stale pixy stick.
That's technically mine.
Was his car impounded? Holy And a 9-millimeter pistol, it--it's not sexy.
Unless Gael Garcia Bernal's holding it.
Gus, we have the murder weapon.
- We solved it.
- It's over.
We're winners.
We've won.
Let's get this to Lassie, so I can get back for my 3:00.
- Or - Or what? All right, Shawn.
You wanna tell me why we're at our old high school? Because it's awesome, Gus.
Because it's your happy place.
And our friendship is the single most important thing in my life.
Got me through my parents' divorce.
Holy crap, that's the car we learned to drive on.
- That's the car you stole.
- Once, for a date.
Ah, indelible memories, unable to be tainted.
You can probably taint those.
Anyway, two steering wheels, dual brakes.
Makes it impossible to make out in the front seat, you know what I'm saying? What are you talking about, Shawn? You've been acting crazy this entire investigation.
Well, there's a reason for that.
This is our last case together.
What? Why? Probably because I'm gonna have to shoot you both.
I have been following you two all day.
Who finds a murder weapon and goes to a Wendy's drive-through? Hungry people.
People who appreciate value and quality and don't have a lot of time.
Besides, we had Mexican yesterday, - so Del Taco was out.
- You went to Del Taco.
- For dessert.
- Where's the gun? - Don't have it.
- It's in the car.
- I already searched the car.
- What? You didn't break the window, did you? That's a custom tint.
And I cut the ignition there, Leno, so don't think about running off.
I'll have you know that I cannot make a damage claim this early into my new job.
You tell me where the gun is, I'll let you live another 30 seconds.
Come on, man, you don't wanna keep killing dudes.
Yeah, I do.
It gets easier.
Does it really? Let's--let's chart your progress as a murderer, shall we? Three years ago, you and your best bud killed Chris Cheramie, your rival in a land deal.
And you all buried his body in the woods.
No, that's not what hap-- I buried the body, he buried the gun.
But I didn't know he was gonna use it for leverage.
See, you can't trust your friends.
Don't try and make this about me.
- Would you give me the gun? - Hold on.
I wanna make sure I have this straight.
Your partner splits, you hire a hit man to kill him while you have the perfect alibi of being at a fundraiser.
But your boy has one more card to play.
I got a murder weapon with his fingerprints.
We can blackmail him.
Put the gun down.
I can take you to the gun.
Because he and the hit man go to the gun and realize, "Wait a second.
"We should be blackmailing the dude whose prints are actually on the weapon.
" And when you give me the weapon, the trail ends.
So how are we gonna play this? All right, look.
There's something I desperately need to admit to my best friend before you blow us away.
- Is that okay with you? - Not really.
Gus, listen.
I stole a whole bunch of this spiced flaxseed from your office kitchen.
- What? - It's delicious.
I can't stop putting it in my mouth.
I'm ashamed.
I'm sorry.
All right, your conscience clear? Yes.
Now it is.
- Thank you for that.
- Sure.
Go, Gus! Run! Did you see that, Gus? He fell for the old "flaxseed in the eye" bit.
Shawn, we need to get out of here.
Then we'll go through the cafeteria.
- The door's locked.
- So is mine! Keep going! - Gus, look, our lockers.
- Shawn! You can't let these moments pass.
- Upstairs! - Okay.
Gus, we're trapped.
All these doors are locked.
Shawn, you know that it's school policy that after 5:00 P.
, all doors to the school-- oh, my gosh! It's him! Gus, I have an idea.
- Aw, sweet.
Got it.
- Shawn, start the car.
- Let me drive.
- Why would I let you drive? You're in the passenger seat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look out! You know I have better eluding skills, Shawn.
Now punch it.
I got the brake.
We both have brakes.
Let go of your wheel, Shawn.
You let go of your face.
Let go of your wheel, Shawn! - He's coming right at us! - Oh, my God! How'd he get his car so fast? Because he's smooth and European and his 'stache is immaculately groomed.
Stop thinking he's cool, and tell me what this is all about, Shawn.
- Why are we here? - I can't.
Now's not the right time.
Yes, it is! Here's the big surprise.
That car can move.
Wait a minute.
- Where's that road end? - At the college.
All right.
Take the wheel.
I have the wheel! What--what are you doing? I guess we'll wait till everybody's here to do roll call.
- This is it.
- That can't be right.
Class is supposed to be online, so none of us are happy about it.
Why are you texting? Will you just work with me here? Whoa! Drive faster.
This car is 20 years old, Shawn.
Stay on the road.
I'm just saying, I don't think you can learn anything about police work online.
Then why do I have all "A"s? Tell you what.
Why don't you show us what you've learned? We don't do quizzes.
Of course you don't.
- Close your eyes.
- What? - You heard me.
Close your eyes.
- You're serious.
You're failing already.
- How many hats are in the room? - How many what? You know, I'm starting to think your problem is hearing.
How many hats are in the room? How many rows of seats? What color shirt am I wearing? I'll take an answer to any one of these questions.
Field trip.
We're coming up on the end of the road, Shawn.
Can we make a u-turn? We're also running out of gas.
All right, Gus, if this is it, I really need you to know something.
- I know, Shawn.
- You do? Yes, I do.
You love me.
You love me in a way that men can love each other and still have wives and children and connecting pools.
Yes, but maybe the pools thing isn't gonna work.
It doesn't matter, Shawn.
Yes, it does, because it's all my fault.
Shawn, I need to hit the brakes.
Dad! No, no.
All right, all right.
He finally called me.
Best class ever.
So what exactly are you trying to say? Look, Gus, the truth is-- look at my dad.
He's totally Matt Damon-ing it up over there.
What? He's like Bruce Willis in Cop Out.
Will you just say it, Shawn? Chiklis in Wired.
- As Belushi? - Sure.
- No.
- "Breaking Dad.
" And so I accept that this is my fatal flaw.
I just can't quite engage all the way when I really need to.
When it really matters, you know? When the chips are down.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sorry, Gus.
I'm sorry that I can't do good-byes.
I tried so hard to tell you, man.
I just--I just suck at the real stuff.
You know that.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be better than fine.
I just can't help thinking that the only problem that you really had this whole time is me.
And I've kept you from the life that you deserve, you know? The life that you've earned.
The life that you'd have if I hadn't barged into your office eight years ago and said, "We're gonna play detective whether you want to or not.
" I love you, man.
Shawn? Shawn? He didn't tell you either, huh? DVD.
Yeah, I guess he sent one to everybody.
What am I supposed to do with this place? I'm sure somebody'll figure out what to do with it.
See ya around.
Woodrow I'll miss you most of all.
Stay gold, Pony Wood.
Stay gold.
You know I will, Shawn.
Shawn? Shawn? This is the weirdest Skype call I've ever been on.
Detective Dobson what can I say? We didn't get to speak nearly as much as I ever would have liked, but I heard more about you than anyone ever could.
And you sound heroic.
The kind of guy that I could have worshipped as a child and an adolescent.
Well into my 20s.
Brannigan's making these damn bracelets again.
You gotta take this one.
I clogged the drain with the last batch.
- What's this? - I don't know.
Guy hasn't said one word to me in eight years, and then he sends me a good-bye video.
It's really weird.
Not really.
Carlton Lassiter.
Chief Lassie.
The Lord of Sternbush.
I am proud, honored, and baffled to call you my friend.
But it's true.
It's also true that you might be the only other person on the planet who loves Jules as much as I do.
Even though it's different.
You've always had her back, and for that, I feel I owe you more than the others, so time to come clean.
Regarding my methods and the way that I solve cases, you're the only one that's ever suspected that, uh the truth is, I am not-- - Chief? - Yep.
Okay, chief.
So I've been doing a lot of soul searching, and even though you're technically making me do this, I've chosen a junior detective.
This is far and away the lowest score I've ever seen on a detective's exam.
- Yes.
- No.
It's the perfect project.
A moldable piece of clay.
This hardly qualifies as clay.
I can build him from the ground up.
I can turn him into you.
I suppose stranger things have happened.
Did he say yes? Congratulations, junior detective.
Thank you, sir.
Tighten your tie.
Yes, sir.
All right, get out of here.
I got a lot of busy important things to do.
Thank you, sir.
Put the baby on.
Hello, Lilly.
This is your daddy.
I'm here.
How did you find me? Look, it doesn't matter which dispatcher made me promise not tell you that she gave up the crime scene you were working at-- Loretta-- what matters is that our life together starts now.
And if we don't get busy living it, it is gonna pass us by.
Please don't fire Loretta.
You're standing on evidence.
This is San Francisco.
It's a little more structured, perhaps, than you're used to.
- Oh! - Oh, sure.
Why not? You leave me without so much as saying good-bye, and that's supposed to be okay? You didn't tell him? No, no, I-- I left him a message.
You might as well have just sent me a text saying, "I'm out.
" No, no, no, guys.
It was a video message.
I spent several hours finishing it, it was full of detail that made it even more personal than an actual conversation, and holy crap, man! What are you-- what are you doing here? Well I was about to make my first presentation, right? Okay.
All right, conference room, two minutes.
Be right there.
I am ready.
I just have to pick up my presentation.
Ladies and gentlemen, today's presentation will be handled by our newest team member, Mr.
Burt Guster, a man that I personally saved from a lifetime of underachievement.
I'm sorry.
Burt! What about the house that you wanna buy, the real estate agent you have that I never heard anything about, and--and all the children that you're ready to start pushing out? Shawn, children terrify me.
I'm sure they won't, at some point, but there's plenty of time to have them when you're 60, right? Yes, but that's not true, Gus.
I heard what you said.
I was hiding and hoarding the soda machine.
I drank straight from the tap like an animal.
Like an animal! It's not something I'm proud of, but I heard every word.
Shawn, I was lying.
I was so lying.
I looked at all those faces, and then I realized I have the same job.
Yes, I have a better office, a hotter secretary, a soda machine, but it's the same job, and I cannot be that man, Shawn.
I am an adventurer now, with a friendship for the ages.
And if I have to live in another city to make that happen, then so be it.
That's the way it's gotta be.
You didn't have second thoughts at all? Nope.
What? What? What? What am I doing? According to the figures, it looks like we'll be able to do-- I am so, so sorry.
My closest friend just moved away, and I'm experiencing mixed emotions and No.
You leave, Burt, you don't take that company car with you.
Think it through.
That's when I realized I needed to do something bold.
Real bold.
My name is Burton Guster.
I'm a realist, a dreamer, an adventurer, a lover of Harry Potter, vintage safes, all things Jamaican.
And I wanna spend the rest of my life making you the center of my universe.
A universe that contains a solar system with nine planets.
In We Bought A Zoo, Matt Damon promises that if we can have 20 seconds of insane courage, something great will come out of it.
Well this is my moment of embarrassing bravery.
Uh, that didn't play out the way I planned it.
Can I take the speech over? My name is Burton Guster.
Gosh! Shawn, We Bought A Zoo lied.
Sorry, man.
Oh, gosh.
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, gosh.
How many times did you turn around? But look at me now, Shawn.
I am here.
I found myself, and not at a 9:00-to-5:00, but with my closest friend, solving crimes, living life to the fullest.
And if we have to do it a little further up the coast, then that's what we'll have to do.
So be it.
You guys, look at us.
We're all here.
We can set up shop here.
What? We c--we can solve crimes.
And, chief, we're gonna be twice as efficient now.
Wanna know why? 'Cause we have two steering wheels.
Look at Gus.
He's unstoppable.
- He's like Wesley in To Wong Foo.
- What? Um, but, Mr.
Spencer, we already have a guy.
- What? - Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
- That's funny.
I-I don't see him.
He's in the kitchen, alphabetizing the pantry.
What? But he can't possibly be as good as us.
- We'll see.
- Hmm.
Come on, guys, let's hug it out.
- Come on.
- Oh! Okay, Mr.
You're now standing on the dead body.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
Oh, my gosh, Gus.
- This is gonna be so incredible.
- Uh-huh.
Just like it was before, only bigger and better, with more wineries.
- Except for one thing.
- What? You.
I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving Santa Barbara without saying good-bye to Gus, and I am done cowering from the big decisions.
I've wanted this for long enough.
So it's gonna happen right now.
Shawn? Wh--is--is this the time? You bet your ass it is.
Juliet O'Hara, I do not believe in love at first sight because I didn't even need to see you to know that I wanted to spend forever with you.
That didn't make a ton of sense, did it? The center of your universe, nine planets.
Gus, has that Pluto line ever worked on anybody? No.
I'm gonna get back in there.
Scratch that.
I have spent my whole life running from one thing to another.
Quitting and running and quitting and running and pretending that my destiny was to drive a wienermobile.
He was young and afraid of commitment.
That's true, but I'm not that young anymore, and I'm also not afraid.
Because when I'm with you, Jules, I'm just fearless, and--and I'm unbreakable.
Like Samuel L.
No, Sam Jackson was the glass man.
Not emotionally, Shawn.
Not emotionally.
Okay, I need you to dial it back just a teeny bit.
I know that I come with baggage and a best friend who's not going anywhere ever.
But I promise you that from this moment forward, the only running that I will be doing is into your arms.
And I will never stop holding your cold little hands or losing myself when I wake up in the morning and look at you and recognize how frickin' lucky I am.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
It's happening.
Say yes.
Yes! O-okay, but technically, you just said yes to Gus.
Well, ask me, Shawn.
Jules, will you marry us? Me.
- Mostly me.
- Yeah.
Even though Gus is always gonna be part of the deal.
And then some day, he'll have his own Juliet, and her name will be "Juli-ay.
" - And she'll be Jamaican.
- Oh, yeah.
And together, we'll be one big, giant, frosted, black-and-white cookie.
And we're gonna have dogs, all rescues.
And kids, probably before we're 60.
Oh, way, way before 60.
Oh, just marry me so that I can show you how amazing our life will be together.
Yes, I will marry the crap out of you, Shawn Spencer.
Now give me the ring.
Oh, my God! Hey! Hey! - That's my grandmother's! - Oh, my God.
What the hell kind of city is this? No, no, I got this! That's your grandmother's? Come on, let's do this! What is this car? And why is the window broken? It's technically stolen.
Hold on.
- Dude, he went right.
- He went left.